It's been about 3 years since I've watched a single second of the Bachelor franchise. The magic was gone for me. I felt like I was making the same jokes every year, and the faces of the cast would change, but the storyline would be largely the same - Someone was there for Instagram clicks or some other reason other than love and everyone could see it except for the Bachelor/ette. Then right before hometowns, there'd be some bombshell - an ex-lover, or someone who had been dismissed earlier would return, or something.
Largely these things didn't bother me. They were still mildly amusing, if a little tired. But the sob stories went from something that happened in the past (death of a family member, divorce, etc.) to trying to tackle thorny subjects that society was dealing with. Suddenly everything was about racism, sexual assault, etc. These are important topics, and I get the reasoning of the show leaning into these topics. If we don't talk about them, we ignore them, and nothing changes for the better. I can empathize with that, but also I am a goddamn adult who doesn't need Chris Harrison or some 27-year-old yoga instructor on TV telling me how I should feel about the #metoo movement. It just got too heavy for me.
Anyway, when I heard they were going to do an older version of the show, I was intrigued....at least enough to give this a shot again. Maybe the fact that the cast would be as old or older than I am would make me feel less like scolding the people on my TV screen..."goddamnit Brittany, you don't need to shove your tongue down his throat to get him to talk to you!"
So let's get this started! Here comes Gary. Gary has a hearing aid. We're leaning into this age thing right out of the gate. The white hair and wrinkles aren't enough to let me know he's old apparently. Gary was married for 43 years! It is just now that I realize how old this dude is. I'm a terrible gauge of how old people are. I would've thought late 50s to early 60s, but nope, he's 71.
Gary's wife died right after they bought their dream house, or as he says "her dream house." This sucks. I feel bad for Gary. Life in your 40s and 50s is all about your kids for most people. I see my wife for roughly an hour a day on average it seems like during the weeks right now. When you get to your mid-60s and are retired, that's when you get to make up for all the time you sacrificed raising a family and working to be able to raise that family. To have that taken away....that sucks Gary deserves love.
I just have my doubts he's going to find it on this show, but whatever. Do you Gary!
As the first limo shows up to greet Gare-bear, I'm hopeful that we get a more mature version of this show, but I'm extremely fearful we're just going to get an older version of the same stuff. Lots of sexual innuendos, drunken lunacy, and high-school bitchiness.
Edith is dressed like an Oscar award, but she looks good. Edith knocked it out of the park. Great first impression. Big fan of Edith.
Ellen is next. Ellen immediately shouts out her best friend Roberta. Gary is definitely getting a package deal if he picks Ellen. Then again Roberta has cancer....so maybe not! (Roberta, I'm sorry. You're probably awesome.) I don't think I could handle Ellen. Seems like a lot.
I"m impressed at Sandra's ability to wear heels at 75. She's moving slow. She does some deep breathing and swearing. Sandra is more my speed. So far, I'm a fan of the casting on this show......
And then we meet Leslie....Leslie claims Prince wrote a song about her. She says "Ironically I was married twice for seven years." Nothing I've seen so far says that it's ironic, Leslie. Your husbands probably got tired of you saying "Alexa, play 'Sexy Dancer' by Prince" every time you guys had an argument. Leslie totally did this, I'm convinced of it. Leslie is our first older version of a generic Bachelor contestant, and I hate her already.
We get a big montage of women, ranging in age from 60 to 75....but there's a lot of 60 year olds. Seems like that was the lowest age they allowed on the show.
And then Theresa shows up. Theresa turns 70 today, and wants to show Gary her birthday suit. I hope Theresa doesn't have grandkids. Nope...she has a grandson. Send her home Gary.
April is insane. She says her eggs are still fresh. Gary does not want more kids, April!
Chippy is 84!!!! She's Jimmy Kimmel's aunt apparently. She seems amazing. I hope she sticks around just to narrate what happens.
Gary says "a smile is one thing, but a smile that goes up to the eyes...." I think he meant this to be a compliment, but I immediately thought he was talking about plastic surgery. Gary and I aren't on the same page at all.
Is Gary toasting the women with a glass of orange juice? Fantastic.
April gives him a calendar where every month is April. If I didn't already hate April, I'd think this was funny. She's crazy. Ellen brings up Roberta. We're 2 for 2 on Ellen mentioning Roberta. I'm telling you, this is more about Roberta than Gary for her. We're now at 4 Roberta references.
Gary and Marina talking about the slang their kids/grandkids use and laughing hysterically about it is awesome. Major points for Marina. Minus points for Faith and her motorcycle and guitar and who knows what other props she has. Faith seems to do a lot of fun stuff, but to me that probably means she's not fun when there isn't stuff to do. Put it this way - if you have an unlimited summer pass to the water park, it's great for like a week, and then you're just tired and you want to lie down. Faith is like a water park. I don't think I could handle a lifetime of Faith....but she'd be fun to hang out with from time to time. Gary is too excited about having water park passes right now. Pace yourself, Gary.
Leslie again wants to dance. Now everyone joins in on the dancing. Gary reminds me of the dog from Up! He just seems simple and happy to have people around to hang out with. Gary's a good dude, I'm just not sure there's much there with him.
Gary gives the human water park the first impression rose. She's in this for the long haul. I'm still not sold.
The rose ceremony was boring as hell. I love that the old people version of this show is only an hour long and everyone goes to bed at a decent hour. Nobody of consequence was sent home, nobody that was sent home went pyscho, nobody drank too much......maybe it is a little more mature.
Nope. In the "coming up this season" montage, we get Gary crying to Jesse Palmer that "the worst I've ever felt in my life is when my wife passed away, and this is a goddamn close second." WHAT POSSIBLY ON THIS SHOW COULD BE CLOSE TO YOUR WIFE DYING?" Then again...that's a pretty good life he's lived if the only bad things he can think of is his wife dying and whatever this is.
