Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Bachelorette 2018 Episode 1: I'll Do the Damn Thing Whenever I Want, Becca!

Alright, so we're back. Memorial Day is a terrible time to kick the damn thing off, because everyone is off doing damn things all damn weekend, so by the time the damn kids go to bed and the damn show starts, everyone is exhausted in the damn bed. Damn you, ABC.....so we're watching on a Tuesday, and you can't do a damn thing about it.

We kick off with a reminder that Arie has his own wing in the douche bag hall of fame. It's right beyond the Hall of Car Salesmen and just above the Frat Bro Auditorium. Then we get to meet the girls who have won the damn thing: Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel all show off their engagement rings to prove to Becca than love is possible for someone in her situation. Of course none of them mention the fact that they all got engaged at least a year ago and none of the are actually married yet......



 .....But that's none of my business.


Anywho, they all talk about how great being The Bachelorette is, then burn some sage because the process sucks and they need to exorcise some demons or something. Kaitlyn, who is barely even recognizable from when she was on the show, says nothing the entire time other than "why are we waving a giant blunt around?" So glad she's here for that insight.

Then we get our little intros to the guys. This is a good time to mention that some occupations mean more than others. We can't tell much from you being an athlete - there have been some good ones (Jordan Rodgers, these two football playing guys this season) and there have been some bad ones (Josh Murray, Arie)....but one occupation always alerts us that this person is going to suck: MODEL. Courtney Robertson was the first that I remember, and God was she a lot to handle. Now we get Jordan the male model. He really doesn't have a choice, he has to be a nightmare. It was foretold to be his persona from the jump, and he really plays it to perfection. Saying that his shoes sound like the heartbeat of a proper gentleman and he wore a sharkskin suit to symbolize his elusive pursuit of his prey....just oh my god. I asked my wife if manners had any impact on heartbeat, and she said "If yours suck, my heartbeat gets faster, is that what you mean?" Also, predators are not elusive. They are the opposite of elusive. They try to catch shit, not get away from it, you moron. He's a real life Derek Zoolander, or he's doing a damn good impression for television. Either way, I hope he sticks around forever, because he's fun to watch...sort of like why you're following Donald Trump on Twitter.

Joe the Grocer seems like a fun guy, but a bad grocer. If you're chucking your tomatoes around willy nilly, nobody is going to buy them, bub. Also, he gets so nervous talking to Becca that he just cuts himself off and walks away. That's gotta be a first. Also, an unhealthy number of guys reference Arie in their walk-ups: wearing a racing suit or bringing a cardboard cutout just seems like a terrible idea. You don't want her brain making any sort of a connection between you and the guy who shredded her heart and humiliated her on national television, dudes. Those guys are shooting worse than the Houston Rockets from 3-point range in Game 7 of the Western Conference Finals.

Not a big fan of Jean Blanc, who says he wants to say something in French because he has a French name, and then proceeds to speak French as if it's the first time he's ever used the language.  Je ne parle pas beaucoup Francias, but I think I could've done a better job, dude.

I'm a big fan of Garrett, the minivan driving jokester. He's just out there having fun, not taking himself so seriously. Meanwhile, the guys talk about how great Becca looks. One guy can't think of anything to add to the conversation, so he says "the sparkles on her dress are great," as if that has anything to do with her as a person. You could put me in a $2,000 suit and I'd still be the same dude who watches The Bachelorette while eating popcorn and drinking Pepsi in the dark. By himself. Don't judge me.

You know who you can judge though? The dude who says he and his buddies have a handshake back home that involves two quick high fives (while saying "bop bop" and then kissing the hand of the person. I have never kissed my buddy's hand. Any of them. I'm judging you.

I'm also judging the guy who brings in a full choir and thinks that Uncle Gary is going to be impressed by them singing a song that starts "I've got a rose, you've got a rose." Uncle Gary has watched the show before, and he knows that the Bachelorette doesn't have a rose....she just hands them out. I hope that guy gets to meet Uncle Gary, and Uncle Gary shuns his ass. C'mon man.

Clay the football player decides the best way to get her to remember him, is to play with some Play D'oh, which he calls clay. They decide to make sculptures of each other, while Clay tells her that she was his favorite girl on Arie's season....which, duh dude. Can you imagine if Clay had said "my favorite girl was Bibiana, but I'm glad you're here."

Christon dunks over Becca, which.......is that something girls look for in a man? I think it probably had more of an effect on the guys, who look totally shook that this guy in slacks just hurdled a fully grown human and threw a basketball through a hoop. Guys hate it when another guy can do something they can't do.

I love Chris the choir director pulling two dudes he just met aside to ask for advice. Naturally, he grabs the guy who can dunk, because duh. Turns out, he knows Chase's ex girlfriend, who (SHOCKER!) doesn't have anything good to say about them. This should go well.

Chris confronts Chase and says "Danielle texted me dude, said you didn't have the truest intentions....." at which point Chase cuts him off and says "dude I dated her for like a month, I mean..."

Don't say it Chase

"you know...."

Don't say it!

"women."

Chase cooks own goose. News at eleven.

Chase continues to make a meal of himself by going to Becca and BRINGING CHRIS ALONG to talk things out. Surprisingly, she decides to send neither of them home, sending Jake the dude from Minnesota home instead.

Jake references a Christmas party and tells Becca he's had "a very transformative year." Which is code for "I know I was kind of a dick, but now I think you're being the dick for not giving me a chance to prove I'm not longer a dick, which makes me look like a dick again for saying that there's something wrong with you." Jake and Chase.....chefs specializing in mariniating in their own idiocy.

I love the guy who claims he got a Harry Potter tattoo because he was looking forward to protecting Becca's heart. A quick google search tells me that the actual spell is "Expecto Patronum" which conjures a patronus.....but again, I wouldn't have caught that in the moment, and clearly Becca didn't either. PLENTY of Harry Potter fans caught it on twitter though, and they are not letting it go:










Also, the book came out 19 years ago, the movie 14 years ago, and you got this tattoo when? You're impressing a girl with a decades old movie reference?

That being said, one time a girl was impressed that I knew who Audrey Hepburn was (or at least she pretended to be impressed)...so maybe that stuff does work.

Also, Becca gave the first impression rose to Minivan Garrett. Good choice Becca.

Rose ceremony time! Becca hands one out to Lincoln the weird pooper, Blake in the bad red jacket, Ricky, Jean Blanc the fake french dude, Christon the dunker (girls do like getting dunked on), Clay the Play D'oh guy, Mills (or maybe it's Wills), Conner, Jason, Sean, Ryan in the flower jacket, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton the cystic fibrosis guy, Chicken man, Jordan the model, the Long haired guy that looks like Weird Al and Fabio's lovechild, and a couple other dudes. Honestly, these guys have done next to nothing to distinguish themselves from each other in my eyes.

Grocery Store Joe is going home, but other than that, good riddance to the rest of these jamokes. Kamil seems completely unconcerned that he lost a shot with Becca, but he's very upset that he got embarrassed and that a chicken man "beat" him.  Chase still thinks that the only reason he's going home is because Danielle texted Chris and not because he made a whole deal out of it trying to explain his way out of a non-issue.

Coming up this season - guys fall in love with Becca, Becca cries a lot, Arie gets referenced numerous times, Jordan face IS professionality, Colton is a virgin (maybe?), an ambulance, lots of kissing, camels, a seaplane, and DRAMA!
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