WHAT IS GOING ON? You take four weeks off from watching a show, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. There was a bromance, the return of a guy from two seasons ago that nobody liked, a guy throwing a tantrum and deciding two months into the show that he was better than everyone else, sex on a date, a date in a coffin, a man crying into a scarf, an epically bad haircut, and oh yeah NO HOMETOWNS. Let's just change it up and bring Britt back for the last few episodes just in case any of the guys get cold feet why don't we! It was all too much for me, but I'll try to break it down quickly:
JJ is a bad guy. Clint is not quite as bad of a guy, but still very arrogant. Clint and JJ get along. They like to joke about performing sex acts on each other. Clint decides joking around with JJ is more fun than trying to date Kaitlyn, but his macho bro-code won't let him lose a girl to another guy, so he turns on the machismo. Kaitlyn kinda likes hooking up with dudes, so she's down with him. Other guys tell her Clint and JJ are idiots, so she confronts Clint. Clint doesn't like being challenged, so he gets testy. Kaitlyn tells him to leave. Before he leaves, JJ throws him under the bus and asks for an apology. Now Clint wants to fight JJ. JJ feels so bad about using his friend's demise for personal gain that he does this:
Get it together man!
Nick returns, lays on the charm, still befuddles me why any girl likes this guy. Kaitlyn really likes him though, and invites him back to her room. When he leaves, she suddenly decides that it was a bad idea. She doesn't regret having sex, mind you. She regrets that it might damage the rest of her relationships. She should probably just hump the rest of the guys to make it equitable. I think that's probably her best course of action here.
Ian wants to be on Broadway. However, he gets passed over for a nerdy dentist. This sends him into one of the most epic rants ever on the show. In case you've forgotten. Ian:
Is a very talented singer
Went to Princeton
CHEATED DEATH
Has been around the world MULTIPLE TIMES
Has LOTS of sex in his real life
Had a girlfriend that was ten times hotter than Kaitlyn.
He then proceeds to tell Kaitlyn most of this, while also throwing in that she's dumb and sort of a slut. He then says he was disappointed she wasn't as "deep" as him, then proceeds to exclaim "I need to have sex." Ian is an idiot.
Shawn was one of my favorites. I was surprised by his sick burns in the rap battle, and he definitely had that Ryan Gosling vibe working for him. Unfortunately, he then decided to tell Kaitlyn about how he was in a serious car wreck six years ago that left him in the hospital for two months, but it was worth it because if he hadn't almost died, he wouldn't be her with her. Car crash stories - you've heard one, you've heard them all, right?
He then shows her pictures of his sister and his dog and then flips out when he doesn't get a group date rose. I thought this was all very weird, until it's revealed that a drunk Kaitlyn snuck into the guys hotel room and told Shawn that "he was the one." Now it makes a little more sense. But still...stop whining!
Jared is probably my favorite of the guys left, which isn't saying much. He looks like a weasel and woo's Kaitlyn with quotes from Dumb and Dumber. THIS IS YOUR FRONT RUNNER?? Ugh.
Josh was another guy I liked....the big dumb galoot from Kuna,Idaho. Unfortunately, he decided that he needed to defend Kaitlyn's honor from that bastard Nick, because that's what big dumb galoots from Idaho do. It didn't go well. So, the quick thinking galoot does what any quick thinking galoot would do to get himself back in good graces with a lady, he asks her to give him a haircut while blindfolded. ABC gives her some clippers with battery life on 10%, she shaves half his head and calls it good. The result is not exactly Natalie Dorner-esque:
King Kuna
Queen Margaery
Cupake Chris got to (sort of) be Aladdin, and made the comment that "I always go for the princess - maybe this time I'll actually get her to go for me too!" This is just so, so sad. It makes you wonder just how many Tennessean princesses have told this guy "you have great teeth, but the answer is no." I love how as Kaitlyn dumps him on the cliffs of Ireland, he cuts her off and says "I see where this is going, what can I do?" This is like asking the semi truck that's already blown a tire and is crossing median right towards you to take a time-out. He then narrates his own meltdown "C'mon Chris, get it together.....I promised myself I wouldn't cry!"
Also, Ben Z. (who looks just a little like Superman in Man of Steel when he's still just a lumberjack and doesn't know he's Superman yet) got sent home. I have no idea why, because he seemed like a pretty good guy, even if Kaitlyn in a coffin in an Irish pub makes him think of his two-decades dead mother. I think this is why he went home. Instead of kissing the "dead girl" in the coffin, he instead tries to turn it into an actual funeral.
The biggest development to me was Chris Harrison basically telling Kaitlyn "you're way too much of a ho for me to send you to these guys' mothers." It was either this, or Kaitlyn said "hey Chris we've got a problem. I can't hump these guys at their parent's houses.....can we just skip to the fantasy suite part? I'll cut a few of the prudes this week, I promise!" Either way, this girl needs to get it together. She's like that girl that says she "hates drama and immature people," yet every time you find yourself a bar with a mechanical bull, there she is, riding that thing like Pecos Bill:
Was so proud of myself for getting caught up on five hours of Bachelorette last week, only to fall behind again when I went to see San Andreas on Sunday night, which pushed my Game of Thrones watching back a day, which leads to me writing this blog at 10:30 on a Tuesday night, well after most of you have stopped caring about this week's episode.
Anyways, King Kupah is still menacing the staff, and Kaitlyn has to come out and say "dude, chill." Kupah immediately gets all sheepish and says "uh....I didn't realize you were going to come out here." Kaitlyn tells him again to relax, and he's like Lenny from of Mice and Men, saying "sorry I yelled. I won't yell again." Then as soon as she leaves, he mocks her like she's the one in the wrong in this situation. Kupah is a dick. He's that special kind of dick that thinks every problem he's ever had is the fault of others. He's the kind of guy that isn't paying attention while driving and hits a tree, then blames a squirrel for burying a nut so close to the road. "Stupid squirrel planted that tree because I"m BLACK!" See ya Kupah!
Kaitlyn's all mopey. She feels bad because now the guys can't drink anymore and she has to send someone else home. It actually ends up more than one someone including Daniel "I'm not actually related to Ed Norton" and Corey "he just needs to be with his daughter." Always the easy way to get rid of a single parent. As if it weren't bad enough that they will automatically think they're on the same level as Kupah, they also have to deal with with the fact that "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, spirit of gypsy" Tony is still standing. They didn't make it as far as the guy who LEFT HIS BANSAI TREE to be to find love. Leave your child, ya gone. Leave your tree, that's COMMITMENT.
Up next, it's time to get your sumo on. There are definitely some annoying ways to wake up (an urban rooster comes to mind) but two of the happiest looking sumo wrestlers banging a gong and screaming "udo udo udo!" ain't one of them.
JJ gets our first bullshit "I love (insert foreign country) culture!" comment when he explains that he loves sushi and THAT'S ALL HE CAN SAY ABOUT JAPAN. Anyways, they make the guys wear sumo diapers that they don't know how to wear, so we are treated to a lot of pixelated censor bars over peoples twig and berry regions. Kaitlyn apparently wishes she was born a thousand years ago, when men would duel each other to the death for a lady's affection. Boxing last week, now sumo wrestling? Hopefully next week they're heading to Medieval Times to joust each other into oblivion.
Tony gets his turn, and the sumo wrestler literally laughs at him as he parries Tony's feeble attacks away. Tony's not amused and stomps off. Kaitlyn goes after him and really condescends to him as she says "what's up? Did you get hurt?" No wonder he's pissed. He brings up the exact point I just made about her and the aggressive "challenges." Not surprisingly, JJ interjects himself into the situation and goes after Tony. JJ is the worst ever. Also, It's impossible to be intimidating wearing a diaper and Ray Bans whilst holding a mason jar of sweet tea. Not even your extremely busy and messy tattoo makes you look tough, bro. Kaitlyn says "obviously I offended him, but he offended me too." What, by disagreeing with your dopey challenges? Kaitlyn is definitely in the wrong here, but let's be honest - Had Tony miraculously caught the sumo champion off balance and actually knocked him back, he'd have loved that challenge and talked about how he channeled the pain of leaving his little tree on the counter next to his sand garden into kinetic energy that flowed through his warrior's heart or some crap. Anyways, they have a conversation where Tony says he want's Kaitlyn to see all he has to offer (as he spits into a flower bed on the patio) and she says she won't judge him if he sits out a challenge or two. So yeah, they're both lying but at least we can stop talking about it.
We're treated to a fun little scene of Kaitlyn wrestling a giant sumo wrestler where he flings her around like a rag doll before letting her win. Then Clint (a former wrestler) lays down the hammer on all the guys and we get back to the real star of the show - Tony.
Tony's still mad that every competition is about who is the "realest man." He just wants to go to the zoo and see who makes the best elephant noise. I'm actually in agreement with him on this one. I love the zoo, and I love making animal noises. Tony would probably rethink his suggestion if I was on the show with him. And obviously you can't go to the zoo, because:
Apparently Tony's heart is closed too, because he's excusing himself to go practice naked yoga with his bansai tree or something.
At the after party, the guys are struggling with getting time with Kaitlyn, particularly Clint, who doesn't really even look at her when she sits next to him. Shawn seizes the opportunity and squires her away for a kiss. He gets the rose. JJ feels awful for Clint because, as a friend, he doesn't like to see him miss an opportunity or something. The guy who last week was very willing to let everyone in the world know that he wasn't here to make friends and wasn't here to meet guys, apparently is allowing his grinch heart to grow a little bit. Clint says that he's "coming to the realization that Kaitlyn isn't the woman for him, but he wants to stick around because he's developing relationships with some of the guys, including JJ, who is a "sweetheart." Weird.
Chris Harrison then takes the lead of smashing Kaitlyn and Ben Z. together for a date. Apparently Chris Harrison is a big fan of Bud Light, because he's planned this date as an "up for whatever" style adventure. They have to go into a room, and work together to find a code that will let them out. When they open the door, a pigeon flies out at them. OK......
Apparently Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, which seems slightly weird since she let weird Asian monkeys crawl all over her while on a date with Chris Soules. Ben gets all sensitive about it, tells her to be strong and he won't let her go. It turns out to be something out a scene from a bad horror movie. They have to do weird stuff and solve very obvious clues that require her to kiss because they're going to get gassed if they don't get out in 45 minutes or something. Meanwhile, some dude in a sheet is growling and writhing around in the bed. The final clue can only be obtained by putting your hand into a dirty toilet in a bathroom crawling with snakes. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY? In the end, the password is Roses which probably would've been my second or third guess if you didn't give me any clues, yet it took them 45 minutes to get out of there. It bothers me that intelligence is never rewarded or lauded as an attractive quality on this show. "Sure he doesn't know how to put a deck of cards in numerical order without help, but damnit he can put his hand in a dirty toilet to pull out a blacklight! He's a MAN."
Kaitlyn invites Ben back to her house for wine and conversation, but mostly wine. Ben then tries to explain that he's not THAT scared of snakes, and Kaitlyn totally mocks him for being an idiot. However, he then tells the story about how his mom made him walk the dog while she died and he didn't cry, and he hasn't cried in eleven years, and already you can see that Kaitlyn is making it her mission to make him cry. Because if he cries over her when he wouldn't even cry over his dead mom, that means he loves her. #Bachelogic
Time for another group date, where the guys get to go to a school and teach the kids about sex. I'm already pissed at the parents who signed off on letting these idiots teach their children about sex. Meanwhile, JJ finds another way to get screen time, as him and Clint apparently pretend to be into each other as more than friends. This seems very demeaning to homosexuals in some way. Are we supposed to that the idea that these two guys might love each other or be into each other is weird or wrong?
Turns out the kids are all actors that were given planted questions. Even still, this seems like a horrible idea. The guys all stumble their way through sex ed, where we learn that words like "clitoris" and "ejaculate" aren't ok to say on ABC, but vagina is fine. Also, fake inserting a tampon into a fake model of the female anatomy is taboo. ABC could probably save itself a couple hundred thousand dollars and hours of editing if they cut back on their censor bar usage.
Josh the Idahoan tells Kaitlyn that he didn't kiss a girl until college and that he had a tough time talking to girls growing up, which is commendable of him to say. It's not something most people would be willing to admit. Rather than say she understands, and is impressed that he's willing to open up to her, Kaitlyn says "bro you need to step it up because I'm ready to bang like ten other guys here." Again, things guys are commended for in real life are seen as negatives on this show, while being solely focused on physical traits and beating up other men are seen as desirable traits.
JJ and Clint are still hanging out, and I fail to see why we're making such a big deal out of this.
Jared gets a pity invite to Kaitlyn's hotel room because she still feels bad he got concussed during one of her Roman Gladiator style challenges. They make out, Jared says he feels a connection, Kaitlyn says "he's a MAN!" Jared expects to get the rose and says he'll be confused if he doesn't. Naturally, Ben gets the rose, and Jared is bumming.
Cocktail party time, and more than one guy have bruises or black eyes. It's like drunk fight club. Clint gets the first alone time, and of course all the guys are pissed. I'm actually waiting for the episode where all fifteen guys run up to her at the same time saying "KaitlyncanIstealyoupleasepleassepleaseplease!" Clint makes a couple self deprecating jokes, and Kaitlyn loves it and says that he's on the way back to being in her good graces. He attributes his ability to come back into the game to his "power socks" and then says he's only trying to woo Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ. Him and JJ then have some mocking homoerotic banter, and then make fun of the other guys for not being sweet bros like they are. JJ says he feels like he's in a house with a bunch of "JV croquet players" which is weird because JJ is probably the guy I could most see playing croquet in the house. Also croquet is awesome. Apparently, every single guy uses their alone time to tell her Clint and JJ are dicks. Somehow, Kaitlyn hears only that Clint is an ass, and singles him out for a serious conversation.
And now we're left to hang on until next week. #noclosure Let's recap: Clint is using Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ, most likely because he's using JJ and the bromance angle to get a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. Ben won't cry when his mom dies, but you kiss the girl he stuck his hand into a dirty snake filled toilet for, he might just cry. Tony just wants to go to the zoo, and JJ is a monster who hates croquet. See you next week!
