50 Shades of Grey - A Guy's Perspective

So yes, I've read the first two books of the "50 Shades" series.  Much like my experience with the Twilight Books, I needed to see what the fuss was all about.  There were people reading these books at work discreetly under their desks.  Anything that engrosses people that much has to be worth reading, right?

Wrong.  So, so wrong.  These books are awful.  I just don't get it.  If you haven't read the books, bu50 Shades, books, bt are thinking about it, you might not want to read the next paragraph, because I'm going to sum up the entire first two books:

Grey likes rough sex.  Ana does not.  Argument.  Compromise reached.  Condom packet being opened.  Kinky sex.  Emotional bonding.  Self doubt by Grey.  Reassurance by Ana.  Self doubt by Ana.  Reassurance by Grey.  Argument.  Compromised reached.  "EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD, WOMAN!" Angry Sex.  Self doubt......

You get the idea.  It's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.  I don't get why anyone would read these books for anything other than amusement.  The books seriously sound like they were written by this girl, and if you haven't seen that youtube clip, I strongly urge you to watch it and try not to cringe.  It's so awkward.  These books sound like they were written by an adolescent, trying to come up with the most creative way to say "he had an erection."  In fact, there's so much "sexy time" in these books that midway through the first the writer either exhausted her sexual slang vocabulary, or just gave up trying.  Every sexual encounter in the books involves the following:

• dark, hooded eyes - If you know what hooded eyes are, you're a better person than me, because I picture someone having some sort of seizure, and it's not sexy. 
• "everything south" of Ana's waistline "clenching in anticipation." -  Sorry to be a little crass, but that is the feeling I get when I have uncontrollable diarrhea.  It's also not sexy. 
• If there's dialogue, Grey either hisses or growls....two very unsexy vocal characteristics.  He usually swears as he climaxes too, which is something I think that only happens in porn movies or drunken college encounters.  In any event, it's not sexy. 
• When they decide to have deviant sex, I just don't get it.  Maybe the restraining of the hands I can get, but things like spreader bars, plugs, canes, whips, clamps and whatever else they're into have absolutely no allure to me.  I usually just skimmed these sections to figure out what their next argument was going to be about. 

And the language!  Such a potty mouth on that Anastasia Steele!  Actually, it's a potty mind, since it's always her inner monologue that's cussing up a storm.  Do people really say "f*ck my man looks good!" to themselves? Also, what the hell is with her inner goddess and her subconscious?  Are those not the two most annoying entities in the history of the world, and has anyone ever thought of themselves in these terms?  Like, when I decide to get a little crazy at Panda Express and try the spicy Black Pepper Chicken, my inner badass does not say "f*ck yeah!" as he bench presses 400 lbs.  Conversely, when I happen to wander across a free preview of Cinemax showing some movie called "The Hills have Thighs," my inner altar boy doesn't sulk in the corner.  Can you imagine how exhausting it must be to be her?  She's constantly talking to herself, critiquing every single decision she makes over and over and over.  While I'm sure that just acting without thinking gets me in trouble from time to time (my wife is nodding emphatically right now), it's definitely more fun than second guessing myself all the time. 

My other big problem with the series is that my favorite character in the books is Taylor, who says maybe five words a book.  Who is he?  How did he end up employed by Grey?  What happened to his marriage?  I picture him to be a young Liam Neeson in "Taken."  It's obvious that the author wants you to think that there's something there between Taylor and Ana, but it's also quite obvious that nothing will happen between the two of them because it would completely destroy every one's life.  I mean, this girl apparently went anorexic after dating Grey for two weeks because he smacked her around with a belt (at her request), and we're supposed to believe that there's a chance she'd cheat on him with his most trusted employee? 

In short, these books are entertaining in an awful sort of way...sort of like "Dude Where's My Car" or any of those parody movies like "Scary Movie" or "Hot Shots Part Deux."  Just don't take them too seriously.  Remember, you're talking about a book where some of the most cutting edge research in the world is being done at a branch campus of Washington State University which has a student newspaper called the "VanCougar." Yeesh.