Bachelorette Episodes 5-8: A Show I Don't Recognize

WHAT IS GOING ON? You take four weeks off from watching a show, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. There was a bromance, the return of a guy from two seasons ago that nobody liked, a guy throwing a tantrum and deciding two months into the show that he was better than everyone else, sex on a date, a date in a coffin, a man crying into a scarf, an epically bad haircut, and oh yeah NO HOMETOWNS.  Let's just change it up and bring Britt back for the last few episodes just in case any of the guys get cold feet why don't we!  It was all too much for me, but I'll try to break it down quickly:

JJ is a bad guy.  Clint is not quite as bad of a guy, but still very arrogant.  Clint and JJ get along.  They like to joke about performing sex acts on each other.  Clint decides joking around with JJ is more fun than trying to date Kaitlyn, but his macho bro-code won't let him lose a girl to another guy, so he turns on the machismo.  Kaitlyn kinda likes hooking up with dudes, so she's down with him.  Other guys tell her Clint and JJ are idiots, so she confronts Clint.  Clint doesn't like being challenged, so he gets testy.  Kaitlyn tells him to leave.  Before he leaves, JJ throws him under the bus and asks for an apology.  Now Clint wants to fight JJ.  JJ feels so bad about using his friend's demise for personal gain that he does this:

Get it together man!

Nick returns, lays on the charm, still befuddles me why any girl likes this guy.  Kaitlyn really likes him though, and invites him back to her room.  When he leaves, she suddenly decides that it was a bad idea.  She doesn't regret having sex, mind you.  She regrets that it might damage the rest of her relationships.  She should probably just hump the rest of the guys to make it equitable.  I think that's probably her best course of action here.

Ian wants to be on Broadway.  However, he gets passed over for a nerdy dentist.  This sends him into one of the most epic rants ever on the show.  In case you've forgotten.  Ian:

• Is a very talented singer
• Went to Princeton
• CHEATED DEATH
• Has been around the world MULTIPLE TIMES
• Has LOTS of sex in his real life
• Had a girlfriend that was ten times hotter than Kaitlyn.

He then proceeds to tell Kaitlyn most of this, while also throwing in that she's dumb and sort of a slut.  He then says he was disappointed she wasn't as "deep" as him, then proceeds to exclaim "I need to have sex."  Ian is an idiot.

Shawn was one of my favorites.  I was surprised by his sick burns in the rap battle, and he definitely had that Ryan Gosling vibe working for him.  Unfortunately, he then decided to tell Kaitlyn about how he was in a serious car wreck six years ago that left him in the hospital for two months, but it was worth it because if he hadn't almost died, he wouldn't be her with her.  Car crash stories - you've heard one, you've heard them all, right?

He then shows her pictures of his sister and his dog and then flips out when he doesn't get a group date rose.  I thought this was all very weird, until it's revealed that a drunk Kaitlyn snuck into the guys hotel room and told Shawn that "he was the one." Now it makes a little more sense.  But still...stop whining!

Jared is probably my favorite of the guys left, which isn't saying much.  He looks like a weasel and woo's Kaitlyn with quotes from Dumb and Dumber.  THIS IS YOUR FRONT RUNNER??  Ugh.  

Josh was another guy I liked....the big dumb galoot from Kuna,Idaho.  Unfortunately, he decided that he needed to defend Kaitlyn's honor from that bastard Nick, because that's what big dumb galoots from Idaho do.  It didn't go well.  So, the quick thinking galoot does what any quick thinking galoot would do to get himself back in good graces with a lady, he asks her to give him a haircut while blindfolded.  ABC gives her some clippers with battery life on 10%, she shaves half his head and calls it good.  The result is not exactly Natalie Dorner-esque:

King Kuna

Queen Margaery

Cupake Chris got to (sort of) be Aladdin, and made the comment that "I always go for the princess - maybe this time I'll actually get her to go for me too!"  This is just so, so sad.  It makes you wonder just how many Tennessean princesses have told this guy "you have great teeth, but the answer is no." I love how as Kaitlyn dumps him on the cliffs of Ireland, he cuts her off and says "I see where this is going, what can I do?"  This is like asking the semi truck that's already blown a tire and is crossing median right towards you to take a time-out.  He then narrates his own meltdown "C'mon Chris, get it together.....I promised myself I wouldn't cry!"

Also, Ben Z. (who looks just a little like Superman in Man of Steel when he's still just a lumberjack and doesn't know he's Superman yet) got sent home.  I have no idea why, because he seemed like a pretty good guy, even if Kaitlyn in a coffin in an Irish pub makes him think of his two-decades dead mother.  I think this is why he went home.  Instead of kissing the "dead girl" in the coffin, he instead tries to turn it into an actual funeral.

The biggest development to me was Chris Harrison basically telling Kaitlyn "you're way too much of a ho for me to send you to these guys' mothers."  It was either this, or Kaitlyn said "hey Chris we've got a problem.  I can't hump these guys at their parent's houses.....can we just skip to the fantasy suite part?  I'll cut a few of the prudes this week, I promise!" Either way, this girl needs to get it together.  She's like that girl that says she "hates drama and immature people," yet every time you find yourself a bar with a mechanical bull, there she is, riding that thing like Pecos Bill:

Bachelorette Episode 4: To Be Continued

Was so proud of myself for getting caught up on five hours of Bachelorette last week, only to fall behind again when I went to see San Andreas on Sunday night, which pushed my Game of Thrones watching back a day, which leads to me writing this blog at 10:30 on a Tuesday night, well after most of you have stopped caring about this week's episode.

Anyways, King Kupah is still menacing the staff, and Kaitlyn has to come out and say "dude, chill."  Kupah immediately gets all sheepish and says "uh....I didn't realize you were going to come out here."  Kaitlyn tells him again to relax, and he's like Lenny from of Mice and Men, saying "sorry I yelled.  I won't yell again."  Then as soon as she leaves, he mocks her like she's the one in the wrong in this situation.  Kupah is a dick.  He's that special kind of dick that thinks every problem he's ever had is the fault of others.  He's the kind of guy that isn't paying attention while driving and hits a tree, then blames a squirrel for burying a nut so close to the road.  "Stupid squirrel planted that tree because I"m BLACK!"  See ya Kupah!

Kaitlyn's all mopey.  She feels bad because now the guys can't drink anymore and she has to send someone else home.  It actually ends up more than one someone including Daniel "I'm not actually related to Ed Norton" and Corey "he just needs to be with his daughter."  Always the easy way to get rid of a single parent.  As if it weren't bad enough that they will automatically think they're on the same level as Kupah, they also have to deal with with the fact that "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, spirit of gypsy" Tony is still standing.  They didn't make it as far as the guy who LEFT HIS BANSAI TREE to be to find love.  Leave your child, ya gone.  Leave your tree, that's COMMITMENT.

Up next, it's time to get your sumo on.  There are definitely some annoying ways to wake up (an urban rooster comes to mind) but two of the happiest looking sumo wrestlers banging a gong and screaming "udo udo udo!" ain't one of them.

JJ gets our first bullshit "I love (insert foreign country) culture!" comment when he explains that he loves sushi and THAT'S ALL HE CAN SAY ABOUT JAPAN.  Anyways, they make the guys wear sumo diapers that they don't know how to wear, so we are treated to a lot of pixelated censor bars over peoples twig and berry regions.  Kaitlyn apparently wishes she was born a thousand years ago, when men would duel each other to the death for a lady's affection.  Boxing last week, now sumo wrestling?  Hopefully next week they're heading to Medieval Times to joust each other into oblivion.

Tony gets his turn, and the sumo wrestler literally laughs at him as he parries Tony's feeble attacks away.  Tony's not amused and stomps off.  Kaitlyn goes after him and really condescends to him as she says "what's up?  Did you get hurt?"  No wonder he's pissed.  He brings up the exact point I just made about her and the aggressive "challenges."  Not surprisingly, JJ interjects himself into the situation and goes after Tony.  JJ is the worst ever.  Also, It's impossible to be intimidating wearing a diaper and Ray Bans whilst holding a mason jar of sweet tea.  Not even your extremely busy and messy tattoo makes you look tough, bro.  Kaitlyn says "obviously I offended him, but he offended me too."  What, by disagreeing with your dopey challenges?  Kaitlyn is definitely in the wrong here, but let's be honest - Had Tony miraculously caught the sumo champion off balance and actually knocked him back, he'd have loved that challenge and talked about how he channeled the pain of leaving his little tree on the counter next to his sand garden into kinetic energy that flowed through his warrior's heart or some crap.  Anyways, they have a conversation where Tony says he want's Kaitlyn to see all he has to offer (as he spits into a flower bed on the patio) and she says she won't judge him if he sits out a challenge or two.  So yeah, they're both lying but at least we can stop talking about it.

We're treated to a fun little scene of Kaitlyn wrestling a giant sumo wrestler where he flings her around like a rag doll before letting her win.  Then Clint (a former wrestler) lays down the hammer on all the guys and we get back to the real star of the show - Tony.

Tony's still mad that every competition is about who is the "realest man."  He just wants to go to the zoo and see who makes the best elephant noise.  I'm actually in agreement with him on this one.  I love the zoo, and I love making animal noises.  Tony would probably rethink his suggestion if I was on the show with him.  And obviously you can't go to the zoo, because:

Apparently Tony's heart is closed too, because he's excusing himself to go practice naked yoga with his bansai tree or something.

At the after party, the guys are struggling with getting time with Kaitlyn, particularly Clint, who doesn't really even look at her when she sits next to him.  Shawn seizes the opportunity and squires her away for a kiss.  He gets the rose.  JJ feels awful for Clint because, as a friend, he doesn't like to see him miss an opportunity or something.  The guy who last week was very willing to let everyone in the world know that he wasn't here to make friends and wasn't here to meet guys, apparently is allowing his grinch heart to grow a little bit.  Clint says that he's "coming to the realization that Kaitlyn isn't the woman for him, but he wants to stick around because he's developing relationships with some of the guys, including JJ, who is a "sweetheart."  Weird.

Chris Harrison then takes the lead of smashing Kaitlyn and Ben Z. together for a date.  Apparently Chris Harrison is a big fan of Bud Light, because he's planned this date as an "up for whatever" style adventure.  They have to go into a room, and work together to find a code that will let them out.  When they open the door, a pigeon flies out at them.  OK......

Apparently Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, which seems slightly weird since she let weird Asian monkeys crawl all over her while on a date with Chris Soules.  Ben gets all sensitive about it, tells her to be strong and he won't let her go.  It turns out to be something out a scene from a bad horror movie.  They have to do weird stuff and solve very obvious clues that require her to kiss because they're going to get gassed if they don't get out in 45 minutes or something.  Meanwhile, some dude in a sheet is growling and writhing around in the bed.  The final clue can only be obtained by putting your hand into a dirty toilet in a bathroom crawling with snakes.  WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?  In the end, the password is Roses which probably would've been my second or third guess if you didn't give me any clues, yet it took them 45 minutes to get out of there.  It bothers me that intelligence is never rewarded or lauded as an attractive quality on this show.  "Sure he doesn't know how to put a deck of cards in numerical order without help, but damnit he can put his hand in a dirty toilet to pull out a blacklight! He's a MAN."

Kaitlyn invites Ben back to her house for wine and conversation, but mostly wine.  Ben then tries to explain that he's not THAT scared of snakes, and Kaitlyn totally mocks him for being an idiot.  However, he then tells the story about how his mom made him walk the dog while she died and he didn't cry, and he hasn't cried in eleven years, and already you can see that Kaitlyn is making it her mission to make him cry.  Because if he cries over her when he wouldn't even cry over his dead mom, that means he loves her.  #Bachelogic

Time for another group date, where the guys get to go to a school and teach the kids about sex.  I'm already pissed at the parents who signed off on letting these idiots teach their children about sex.  Meanwhile, JJ finds another way to get screen time, as him and Clint apparently pretend to be into each other as more than friends.  This seems very demeaning to homosexuals in some way.  Are we supposed to that the idea that these two guys might love each other or be into each other is weird or wrong?

Turns out the kids are all actors that were given planted questions.  Even still, this seems like a horrible idea.  The guys all stumble their way through sex ed, where we learn that words like "clitoris" and "ejaculate" aren't ok to say on ABC, but vagina is fine.  Also, fake inserting a tampon into a fake model of the female anatomy is taboo.  ABC could probably save itself a couple hundred thousand dollars and hours of editing if they cut back on their censor bar usage.

Josh the Idahoan tells Kaitlyn that he didn't kiss a girl until college and that he had a tough time talking to girls growing up, which is commendable of him to say.  It's not something most people would be willing to admit.  Rather than say she understands, and is impressed that he's willing to open up to her, Kaitlyn says "bro you need to step it up because I'm ready to bang like ten other guys here."  Again, things guys are commended for in real life are seen as negatives on this show, while being solely focused on physical traits and beating up other men are seen as desirable traits.

JJ and Clint are still hanging out, and I fail to see why we're making such a big deal out of this.

Jared gets a pity invite to Kaitlyn's hotel room because she still feels bad he got concussed during one of her Roman Gladiator style challenges.  They make out, Jared says he feels a connection, Kaitlyn says "he's a MAN!"  Jared expects to get the rose and says he'll be confused if he doesn't.  Naturally, Ben gets the rose, and Jared is bumming.

Cocktail party time, and more than one guy have bruises or black eyes.  It's like drunk fight club.  Clint gets the first alone time, and of course all the guys are pissed.  I'm actually waiting for the episode where all fifteen guys run up to her at the same time saying "KaitlyncanIstealyoupleasepleassepleaseplease!"  Clint makes a couple self deprecating jokes, and Kaitlyn loves it and says that he's on the way back to being in her good graces.  He attributes his ability to come back into the game to his "power socks" and then says he's only trying to woo Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ.  Him and JJ then have some mocking homoerotic banter, and then make fun of the other guys for not being sweet bros like they are.  JJ says he feels like he's in a house with a bunch of "JV croquet players" which is weird because JJ is probably the guy I could most see playing croquet in the house.  Also croquet is awesome.  Apparently, every single guy uses their alone time to tell her Clint and JJ are dicks.  Somehow, Kaitlyn hears only that Clint is an ass, and singles him out for a serious conversation.

And now we're left to hang on until next week.  #noclosure  Let's recap:  Clint is using Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ, most likely because he's using JJ and the bromance angle to get a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.  Ben won't cry when his mom dies, but you kiss the girl he stuck his hand into a dirty snake filled toilet for, he might just cry.  Tony just wants to go to the zoo, and JJ is a monster who hates croquet.  See you next week!

Bachelorette Episode 3: Villains Gotta Vill

Circumstances being what they are, I had to delay watching all three episodes of the Bachelorette until today (Tuesday, May 26th).  I'd never recommend binge watching this show.  I'm about to claw my eyes out, but I don't want to end up in this situation ever again, so I'm powering through my fourth hour of this show tonight.  Thank god for DVR and skipped commercials, or I'd never make it. As a result, there are far less in depth observations or links/.gifs included in the blog, but I intend to start beefing up the content again next week, so thanks for sticking with me.

Kaitlyn's ready to go, and tells us about forty bazillion times that she's REALLY excited to be the Bachelorette.  She has a talk with Harrison where she basically says "you know what?  When Soules kissed a girl on the first night, we were all shocked, but I get it now.  I'm gonna really whore it up from here on."  The guys are starting off the day with mimosas and bloody mary's, so this will probably go well.

Now we smash cut straight to Britt, who's probably glad that one dude gave her the Kleenex about now, amirite?  She's crying and telling her mom the guys didn't love her, but fear not, because AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, Brady is right outside her hotel room door!  A strong move by him, that may just work out better than a normal Bachelor/ette romance because they're on their own, pretty much off camera and they don't have to hide their relationship at all from the public.  I could see them working out, because Brady will tell Britt all the things she wants/needs to hear, and Britt just needs someone to tell her how pretty she is on the inside and out.

Group date time, and the guys are getting to punch the crap out of each other with Laila Ali!  How many times do you think these guys talk about how much they love her dad?  And how many of them actually have seen her dad fight?  I'll be honest, I've never watched a Muhammad Ali fight.  I saw the movie with Will Smith, and I've seen a few highlights, but come on.  Kupah immediately says she's a big deal because of her dad, not because of her own boxing career.

Some of these guys have some decent punches and look decent, others look like I can imagine I would in a ring.  Corey talks about how good Kaitlyn is at jumping rope, and then they show her jumping like a person who has maybe jumped six times in their life.  She's barely better than a toddler, but at least she can get both feet off the ground at the same time.  (I love watching toddlers try to learn to jump.)

Kaitlyn is concerned that Kupah is not really into her.  He's probably not.  He's probably more into impressing Laila Ali in some crazy fantasy scenario he's concocted where Laila is so impressed with his determination and devotion to boxing that she invites him to meet her dad.  Good luck Kupah, but my guess is the first thing Muhammad Ali would say to you is "what kind of freaking name is Kupah?  Has Mario hit you with a banana peel out in MooMoo Meadows lately?"

Time for the boxing "matches" and why are they fighting in a run down industrial district?  And where did all these people come from?  Did they bus these people in from the suburbs?  The first match is Ben Z. vs. Daniel, which looks kind of like a cocky twelve year old challenging his dad.  It didn't work out so well for the smaller Daniel.  In his defense, he was giving up 30 lbs.  Kupah wins his match because he's still trying to meet Muhammad Ali.  It doesn't go so well for him in the second round though, as Jared knocked him down.  Kupah seems to be taking it in stride, classically talking about how hard the final is going to be for Jared - what with him having to just go through two "excruciatingly tough" battles.  He just patted himself on the back for getting knocked down!  Way to go Kupah, you're the best.

Turns out he was right though, as Ben Z. lands a pretty vicious punch to Jared's face, ringing his bell and knocking him down.  Hilariously, the crowd shows it has no knowledge of the effects of a concussion, which can include sensitivity to sound, by chanting "JARED, JARED, JARED" as if the sheer volume of their voices can counteract the blunt force trauma his brain just took.  Jared too shows a lack of understanding of the situation, as he tries to brush off the paramedic.  "I'm fine, I just got PUNCHED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD," he says.  The paramedic is having none of it and sends him off to the hospital.

Ben Z. feels bad about sending a dude to a hospital, but then says "here's something:  My mom fell down the stairs, broke her back, then they found cancer and she died."  Oops.  Forgot Ben Z. (which, when Kaitlyn says his name sounds like "Bensie") was the guy who was still dealing with the passing of his mom from a decade ago.

While Daniel is having a chat with Kaitlyn, a note is delivered to her, and she makes a huge deal out of it by not talking about it and being all cryptic and dismissing him.  Turns out it's just Jared who explains that "he got hit in the bridge of the nose" which is the exact opposite of where he thought he got hit a few hours ago.  Despite the doctor's prescribing rest for him, he goes for a walk with Kaitlyn and gives her a kiss.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot," to be kissed by a concussed dude wearing a red shirt, yellow boxing shorts, and black converse high tops on a dirty Hollywood street.  Given that he's still in boxing attire, he probably hadn't showered.  I get that "sweaty boxing guy" might be kind of sexy to some girls, but "concussed guy who is no longer sweaty but still wearing stinky clothes" is probably not part of that fantasy.

Bensie gets the rose, and a big kiss (go figure).  Kaitlyn is here to PARTY.

Now time for the one on one date, and it's Clint the drawer of triceratops.  Their date is an underwater photo shoot, which seems a little weird, which gets weirder when Gisele greets them and tells them she's a conceptual underwater photographer.  I think underwater photographer would have sufficed.  Turns out that "spontaneous underwater jump" that I thought I saw in the "scenes upcoming" thing wasn't spontaneous at all.  Makes more sense now.

What doesn't make sense is underwater photography.  Gisele makes them go through breathing exercises that involve feeling your partner's breathing, and - bonus for Clint - Clint gets to second base by placing his hand right on her boob.  They pile into the water, and the pictures are absurd, as Kaitlyn can't stop blowing bubbles out of her nose, so there's this annoying trail of bubbles in every shot, that I'm sure Gisele wasn't conceptualizing.  Also, apparently conceptual underwater photographers don't wear wetsuits or other approved water wear - they just go in wearing regular clothes, fingerless biker gloves and scuba masks.  Basically she grabbed the most annoying props from a wedding photo booth.  At dinner, Kaitlyn tells Clint that she "knew she could bring out his funny side" which I tried to do once in college with a girl and is way harder than you think.  Turns out some people don't have a funny side.  Clint gets his rose.

Back at the house, the second group date is announced, and Tony is shocked she actually noticed him enough to bring him on a group date.  Tony is the worst.  Well JJ is the worst - he just wants to make fun of every other guy in the house and act like he belongs on Mount Olympus or something - but Tony is a close second.  He's going on about openness and mixing up the girls' names, calling Kaitlyn Britt, and just basically saying whatever cliche about love and spiritualism pops into his head.

(Note - due to my DVR segmenting the episode into two separate lines in my menu, I accidentally watched the second hour first, which you will see really confuses me when we get to the rose ceremony.)

We're not wasting any time tonight, as Amy Schumer is kicking off this episode with a "do you know how lucky you are?  You could be driving a tractor right now!" joke.  Good stuff.  The guys are excited about the stand-up, which of course means they're going to be terrible.  if their initial jokes are any indication, we're in for some bad stand-up.  Amy trots out three female comedians I've never heard of, but they're funny as they openly mock the guys.  Amy just lays out JJ saying he is a great guy, just missing "charisma, humility and a sense of humor."  JJ belabors his point by telling Amy he feels "he's smarter than 90% of the audience 90% of the time."  Amy deadpans "I hope it comforts you to know you're not smarter than anyone here." JJ responds with "just a second" and continues to write his horrible jokes down on a notepad.  What kind of idiot doesn't take advice from one of the best comedians in the world right now?  Amy wins the night by saying "hopefully JJ looks back on the show and stops being such a turd."  We need to refer to more people as turds.  It's a great word!

Time for the guys to embarrass themselves.  Surprisingly, the first few aren't bad, and Dentist Chris does a great job playing the super nervous guy routine to a T.  Healer Tony goes into a monologue about how blessed he is for the opportunity and then he just rambles.  This sets up JJ who only gets to tell one joke that gets aired.  That just really sucks.  I want to know if he was terrible, or he was able to channel his arrogance into some funny stuff.  Damn you ABC!  Can you watch full stand-up routines online?

I was worried about Idaho Welder Josh as being too much like Chris Soules, but I actually kinda like the guy.  He seems like an actual person.  A dumb actual person, but still an actual person.  Unlike sensitive Tony who can't stop talking in cliches and existential thoughts.  JJ can't stop being a condescending douche who thinks he's hilarious.  JJ is awful.  Back at the house, the guys are playing a prank on Justin, knocking on the walls and sending him out to find out what's on the date card.

JJ continues his douchebaggery, going on and on about how much he misses his daughter who is growing up too fast and all this, and then tells Kaitlyn that there's no other place he'd rather be and makes out with her.  JJ thinks this kiss puts him in the lead, even willing to put $50K on his getting a rose.  Not to be outdone, Kentucky Joe decides to kiss first and ask questions later.  The first thing he says is "Well I'll be!"  Then Kaitlyn says "theres's something about that I like and I'm not sure what it is."  I don't think this is a good thing for Joe.  She basically said "you're dumb and I don't see a future with you, but I like kissing you, so you can stay for now."  JJ cashes in his bet and gets the rose, after Kaitlyn says "I like the sensitive dad thing you're portraying.  Keep playing that angle, because I like it."  Naturally, the tease as we go to break shows JJ doing the exact opposite.  All he had to do was keep talking about how his daughter is his princess and that nothing will ever take her place in his heart, and he can't do it.

Somehow we're at the rose ceremony already, and I'm wondering if I somehow missed the one-on-one date(s).  Did my DVR screw this up?  Whatever, I'm not complaining.  JJ breaks some sort of verbal agreement the bros all made that they would let the guys who didn't have the dates go first at the cocktail party.  He basically rubs it in all the guys faces, telling them "I had to remind her what husband material looks like."  Ian goes right into his "I was hit by a car, but now I'm here" story.  Kaitlyn is very impressed that he didn't die apparently, and gives him a big kiss for not letting that car murder him.  JJ continues to aggressively antagonize the guys leading to one of them saying "Villains gotta vill" which just supplanted Amy Schumer's "turd" line and my favorite quote of the night.

Kupah is really frustrated with his lack of roses, and feels like he may only be here because he's a minority and fills a quota.  Way to distance yourself from any responsibility in your own exit, which seems more and more likely to be tonight.  He sits down to beg for Kaitlyn to validate him being there.  When Kaitlyn tells him she didn't think he noticed her, he acts shocked.  Kaitlyn kinda needles him about paying more attention to Laila than her, and he kinda says "well she's a big deal!" which isn't going to help him out at all.  He then lays out his quota scenario to Kaitlyn, who doesn't want to hear that she's keeping around for affirmative action.  Kupah, whose name autocorrects to Kaput when I type, is just about kaput here, as he says when I was watching last season, he thought she was a real person.  When Kaitlyn asks if he still thinks that, he kinda stumbles over his words and starts saying something about how hot she is.  Kaitlyn is not impressed.

Kaput then lays out the situation to the guys, and Kaitlyn can overhear the whole thing.  She's not happy at all, and gives him the ol' heave ho.  Kupah isn't happy, and says "I don't want to go home.  I think you're hot."  Whoops.  Kaitlyn says "there's more to me than that," and he replies with "yeah, and I like that stuff too!"  There will be no last minute stay of execution here.

Kupah then goes after some poor production assistant, saying "you're process probably works for Jared and Cupcake, but it doesn't work for me.  He then starts approaching the camera in a menacing fashion, and Kaitlyn apparently decides she needs to defend the cameraman.  What is she going to do?  Why does she need to do anything?  Where's that big bouncer looking dude that escorted Drunk Ryan out of the building last week?

Anyways, we end on a  "To be continued......." and that'll probably be less dramatic than we all want it to be.  I will say that despite there only being a few guys that seem to have any realistic shot of winning (Ben Z., Shawn, maybe the dentist) this season is working so far because of Kaitlyn's humor and horniness.  Also, I'm never going to try to work in five hours of Bachelorette in two nights again. That was just too much.  It is not a binge-worthy show.

Bachelorette Episode 2: And then there was One

We pick up right were we left off, with some over the top, Dark Knight-esque musing playing over shots of a gritty Los Angeles skyline.  Chris Harrison comes out and tells Britt by herself that she won't be the girl, which is somewhat of a classy move, not announcing it in front of the guys.  I respect the decision, but at the same time, in the ratings driven television universe, public shaming of a person seems like a no-brainer.  I don't understand how the show can exploit the hell out of people getting too drunk or outing some sort of poor decision they made in their past, yet pulls back some other times and does the classy thing.  Figure out what you are, Bachelorette!

Britt says "she didn't see this coming at all."  Either she was over confident, or she failed her probabilities class in high school.  Kaitlyn is happy, and yet her first words are "is Britt OK?"  Classy move by her.  In a complete lack of understanding of how the show works, Kaitlyn seems shocked that Chris tells her she has to send some guys home.  Kaitlyn then calls her mom, who tells her she's proud of her.  For what?  For being attractive and funny enough to get a bunch of horny guys to pick her over the other attractive and less funny girl?  Some parents are easy to please.

In another moment that has become a staple of premiere week, Kaitlyn tells the guys that she truly thinks that she's looking at her future husband in the room.  The guys all of sudden morph into "hey it's time for us to impress her!" mode.  Josh from Idaho makes a strong impression by giving her a steel welded rose that he made.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot" that he made a rose out of metal.  Harrison then shows up with the first impression rose, and Kaitlyn feels like she hasn't been Bachelorette long enough to have to make a decision.  I would think that the first impression rose would be the easiest decision (aside from sending the guy who drank too much home) they'd have to make.  Is he attractive?  Does he have a real job, and not a made up job like auto spokesman or sex coach?  Did he not bore me in the thirty seconds I talked to him?  Congrats, you get a rose!  How often does the first impression rose winner actually make it to the finale?  It doesn't mean anything.  Just pick someone you don't hate.  

We get a nice little segment of guys who wanted Britt trying to mask their disappointment.  Tony says something about how everyone has to drink from the same drinking fountain, but he's ready to head home to dig his own well.  I think that means he's gonna go home and give himself a long, firm handshake below the belt if you know what I mean.  I think you do.  Jared can't wait to tell Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, which just seems like one of those things that you don't just come out and say off the bat.  I mean, I wouldn't lie about it, but you don't need to say "hey, I'm pretty happy you're the Bachelorette and all, but I voted for the other girl."  JJ says he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn and then tells her he has a 3 year-old daughter and thinks that's going to be a strike against him, but Kaitlyn thinks he's great.  I think he's weird.  Dentist Chris tells Kaitlyn that "no one is more deserving of this than you" and gets a kiss out of it.  Jared is starting to second guess his idiotic decision to out himself as pro-Britt (duh?) and wonders is Kaitlyn feels the same way he does.  About what?  About Britt?  Probably not bro.

The kiss count moves to two as the not-a-sex-coach Shawn gets the first impression rose.  Kaitlyn is not holding back...she's not here to play hard to get, she's here to get them hard.....hey-oh!

Rose ceremony time! Dentist Chris, Ben H., JJ, Kentucky Joe, Koopah(?), Daniel, Not Drunk Ryan, Josh the Rose Welder, and Sensitive Tony get roses, prompting some of the guys to get a little frosty that guys who voted for Britt are getting roses.  They think that the pro-Britt crowd should opt-out of the rest of the show.  Wonder if they'd feel the same way if the vote had gone the other way?

Brady, the guy who sings songs of spiritualism, apparently has had enough of this business, and one-ups Too-Honest Jared and tells Kaitlyn he was so into Britt that he's taking off to pursue her.  Hilariously, the guys think that he's back there trying to talk himself into Kaitlyn's good graces.  Also hilarious is that, as Harrison takes him off to find Britt, the sun is coming up!  What an exhausting process.  I'm definitely too old to go on a reality show.

Back to the roses, as Clint, Cory, Jonathan the Car-Lorax, Cory the Second, Second Ben, Tanner, All-In Ian (who made no bones about his pro-Kaitlyn stance), Justin, and Too-Honest Jared collect the roses.  Looks like Jared's bold move paid off.  That was a big risk, but he cashed it in.  If he'd been the second guy to announce he'd picked Britt, he might be going home.  

Moving on to scenes upcoming - they go to Ireland, they spontaneously jump into a pool despite the fact that there was a waterproof camera ready to film them, the go to the Alamo, she kisses all the guys, Amy Schumer! the guys are jealous, of course they fight, Nick the A-hole from Andi's season is back and apparently a major threat to win Kaitlyn, more angry dudes, Kaitlyn has sex with a dude who then runs naked across a golf course, lots of Kaitlyn tears, she tells the guys she had sex, someone burns a picture, guys cry, the dudes get lost in a hotel, more Kaitlyn tears, and a lot of "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person" comments.  I feel like these are things that wife beaters and child molesters say the first time they get caught.  

In any event, on to week 2!

Bachelorette Episode 1: Double Trouble

Welcome to yet another season of this incredible show.  I know this post is late this week, and II'd like to take the time to personally apologize to every person that contacted me concerned that I wasn't watching or blogging this season:

Grant, I'm sorry.

Ok, back to the blog

Despite the fact that the show is seemingly getting more popular with time, they nevertheless decide to mess with the format, bringing back not one but TWO girls from last season - Britt and Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn is probably best remembered for telling Farmer Chris he could "plow the f*ck" out of her field on the first night.  Britt is probably best remembered for crying a lot and not taking showers.  My memory of Britt is her literally crying when she found out she was going on a hot air ballon date because she was "deathly afraid" of heights, then having "the best time ever" on that date.  With the guys getting to vote one of these "ladies" off of Bachelorette Island, I have to wonder if the guys will remember how insane Britt is, or if they'll be brainwashed by her beauty alcohol.

Chris is here, and he hits the ground running, giving us the standard "most talked about, controversial season" line.  I gotta ask who truly views this show as controversial? Also, who's talking about it?  Even though I didn't watch this episode for almost a week after it aired, I had surprising little trouble avoiding learning the outcome.

I love the shots of the limo caravan bringing these girls to the mansion.  But now we get to the good stuff.  Let's met the "men."

Up first is Jonathan, who is an automotive spokesman.  Does this mean he is the Lorax of cars?  He's a minority and a dad.  Prime candidate for getting the "you are so great, but you need to be back with your kid because it'll get even harder if I don't let you go now" speech in week three.

Up next is a lonely farmer from Kentucky.  Basically Chris Soules with an accent.  I didn't even catch his name.

Firefighter Josh is the third guy up and OH MY GOD HE'S NOT A FIREFIGHTER!

Brady the singer/songwriter from Nashville annoys the hell out of me.  He seems like the kind of guy who believes that real life should be like the song lyrics he writes.  Also he looks like Macklemore, which is killing me.

Some welder from smalltown Idaho won't be around very long I don't think.  These girls aren't going to want a guy that reminds them of the #soulestrain they almost rode to Tinyville, Iowa.

Ian is our first sob story of the year, having been "left for dead" after being hit by a car.  Despite being told by doctors he'd never run again, surprise! He's chiseled like a Greek God.

Up next is some guy with dumb hair and an even worse shirt who asks his dog what shirt he should pack.  NEXT.

Tony the yoga dude seems like he's probably been told that he's going to the be weird sensitive guy and to really play up that angle.  Claims he's been "training for this" my whole life.

Personal trainer dude lost his mom twelve years ago, but still stares longingly at picture of her.  Hilariously, as he's flipping through pictures, he flips past one of him and his mom in a hospital bed to one of him with some dude at dinner that was obviously taken many years after she had passed away. Who vetted that?  And why are those two pictures even anywhere near each other?  Even if the dude keeps all his pictures in a shoebox, those pictures probably should've been in different shoeboxes.

Here come the girls, Kaitlyn in the black sparkly dress and Britt in the more innocent looking white dress.  Britt's dress actually looks like something at 15 year old would wear to prom.

I like the idea of the guys meeting both of them at the same time.....who do they approach first?  Do they have to have two pickup lines?

Guy one goes handshake with Kaitlyn, so naturally Britt gives him a hug.  It's on early!  The Lorax is next out of the gates, and he makes no bones about his affection for Britt.  Britt's digging him too.

In fact, quite a few of the guys seem to be digging on Britt.  I'm guessing none of them watched the show last season.  Either that, or they're conveniently editing out all of the conversations with Kaitlyn.  The way this is setting up, Kaitlyn is going to kill it at the party, and the guys will vote her in (by one vote of course).  The worst pick up line goes to the dude who says "hey Disney princess,"  narrowly edging out the dude who is wearing a headband and a tennis racket, who must have been so lame they edited out everything he said.  Also, stripper firefighter sticks to his strengths and keeps his mouth shut and takes his clothes off.  JJ tells Kaitlyn that he'd love to "puck" her.  Somewhat funny.  Some dude said his dad taught him to give a woman a tissue when she cries, and he knows how much Britt cried last season, so "just in case" he hands her a travel pack of Kleenex.  Might be the most tone deaf gift ever.

Kaitlyn says that she didn't picture the "start of falling in love" being like this.  Oh you didn't picture standing outside of a house with another woman as multiple guys hop out of a limo and size you both up?  This whole thing is pretty awkward...can we get to the drinking and over the top machismo?  Kaitlyn goes to tell the guys "hey hang in there, the fun part's coming" and Britt is all pissed off about  it, mostly because she didn't think of it first, and now she can't go give her own pep talk because then she'd look like a copycat, and here comes the middle school drama that Britt is so good at.

Tony the sensitive yoga dude, gives the EXACT SAME SPEECH to both girls, which is about the most insensitive thing he could do.  What a poser.

Time for the drunk person who has become a staple of every season premiere of this show.  Ryan's basically morphed into a skinny Chris Farley character.  Shawn the "amateur sex coach" shows up in a hot tub car, and I'm completely flabbergasted.  Drunk Ryan is not impressed.  Yet, he's completely enthralled with the next guy's vehicle:  Chris the Dentist shows up in a cupcake and says it's because he wanted to do something sweet.....that's much worse than calling someone a Disney princess.

The guys seem to be excited at the prospect of having two Bachelorettes, most likely because they could strike out and still have a chance a redemption with the other girl.  Kaitlyn starts off with a very, very bad joke that the guys courtesy laugh at, and Britt goes straight for the "I'm looking for my best friend."  These two couldn't be more different.   The guys talking to Kaitlyn are picking up on her goofiness and acting accordingly.  All the conversations they show with Britt seem to revolve around their children, or sponsored children.  One dude has a kid named Aurellious.  I wonder if his favorite movie is Gladiator?  I'm too lazy to figure out who it was or look up the profiles on ABC.com to see how many guys picked Gladiator as their favorite movie.

Tony the sensitive guy looks like he got punched under his left eye maybe?  In any event, he votes for Britt because her rose was "pulsating."  Some other drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops.  He gets my first impression rose.  I love triceratops.

I also love that the girls have to lobby for the guys while the guys are simultaneously lobbying for them.  It makes for a little bit more interesting opening episode, although I'm slightly annoyed with the three hour season premiere.  If they can figure out how to compress this into one standard two hour episode, that'd be great.

A nice little moment when Ben asks Kaitlyn about her tattoo and she says "you know, Chris never asked me about it once."  What the hell, Chris?  This seems like second/third date territory, and she made it to the final two or three?  Tattoos are incredibly personal things to most people, and it's an easy way to show you're interested in a person.  Even if you don't really care, you still ask.  However, I always want to know about people's tattoos, because I'm fascinated by the thought process that goes into engraving an image or word on your body forever.

Ok, back to the show.  Drunk Ryan gets confronted by Shawn the sex coach for insulting his hot tub car.   Let me type that sentence again:

DRUNK RYAN GETS CONFRONTED BY SHAWN THE SEX COACH FOR INSULTING HIS HOT TUB CAR.

Reality TV my ass.  In any event, Drunk Ryan doesn't remember telling Shawn him and his stupid car sucked, but he doesn't miss a chance to tell that he (and everything about him) sucks again.  Drunk people are the best.  Ryan continues his one-man race to the bottom by telling Britt "a lot of guys like her," referring to the Bachelorettes as a "couple a' hoes," and then tapping Kaitlyn on the ass and telling her she's "Ryan approved."

The guys decide that Ryan needs to go, most likely because they feel the need to protect the ladies who have not asked for their protection.  JJ tells him that he's being inappropriate, and I'm pretty sure Ryan threatens to rape him.  How do you not laugh at the guy at that point?  Apparently Chris Harrison also feels the need to protect the ladies, but hilariously sends in an enormous crew member/bouncer to escort Ryan out of the house so he can dismiss him.  Nobody is bigger than Harrison, you betta' recognize!

Dude who brought the Kleenex gets his time with Britt, and she calls out his Kleenex move for the dick-move it was, and they immediately cut to Kleenex dude telling some other guys "I like Kaitlyn more...she's more real."  What a sissy.  Also sissyish is Brady the crooner who says "Britt is a billion on a scale of one to ten."  He played baseball, prayed when his career was over, and it led him to writing songs that are "so spiritual."  Britt LOVES it.

Chris Harrison interrupts to let everyone know that the votes are in.....and I just had a thought.  Does Drunk Ryan's vote count?  What if it's thirteen to twelve and HIS vote is the deciding vote?  Although it looked like he just chucked his rose at Britt's picture, so I'm not sure if that's a vote for or against her.  We get lots of shots of the girls looking bored/nervous while Chris takes way too long to count twenty-five roses.

Votes have finally been tallied and the winner is.........
(continued next blog)

Bachelor Finale: Whit's World, Party Time, Excellent...

Here we go.....a virgin who's never seen semen vs. a woman who handles it on a daily basis.  What's a guy to do?  I'm thinking he picks Whitney, but that's just a guess.  Maybe her voice isn't as annoying in person?

Live from Bachelor Arena in L.A., Harrison and his army of women spectators are fired up and ready to go.  Single guys, if you want some good odds, either buy a ticket to the Bachelor finale, or hang out on the street outside right when the show lets out.  Harrison doesn't do his typical stroll through the first few rows of the audience asking for their predictions, he just throws out to the perfect place to fall in love/propose, Bali!

Or not.  Chris is bringing the women to Iowa for the finale?  The women got to go to Albuquerque, Deadwood, and now Iowa....for the second time. Worst Bachelor locations ever.  I get that Chris is super paranoid about his hometown, but he really took it to extremes.  Whitney gets the first crack at winning over the family - and boy are they a farming family.  Everyone's wearing plaid (including Whit) and there's pictures of combines and crop dusters on the wall of the kitchen.  The decor shows the evidence of a small midwest town - There's probably one furniture store in town, and if you want a sofa, you get to choose between the ugly green or the loud flower print.  In the Soules family, you just buy both and pretend they match.  Forget ordering something online, because free shipping only extends to within fifty miles of the warehouse, which is 200 miles away.  Whit cries and wins the family over instantly.  When the girls ask what the difference between Whit and Becca is, Chris can't put into words what he likes about Becca. He starts a lot of sentences he couldn't finish.  She's just....when I'm with her....she's athletic.....

She's athletic? That's what you come up with?  Let me translate for Mushmouth - She's hot, and I had to bring someone who wasn't Whitney back here.  Chris' mom asks why Whitney loves Chris, and she says "I want someone to call mom."  So the fact that he has living parents make him marriage material?  Flattery clearly works with mom, because she's ready to adopt Whit regardless of what Chris thinks.  Becca has a real uphill road ahead of her.  This is going to be a whole lot of awkward.

Before that though, Chris has guy time in the traditional Midwest farm garage, which is essentially a giant warehouse that everyone with more than an acre of land from Wyoming to Indiana has on their property.  It's where you park your lawnmower, snow blower, combine, backhoe, and any thing else that you guy buy at Cabelas/Menards/Lowes/Home Depot.  I don't know how those stores stay in business, because I swear every Midwesterner has their own mini hardware store out in their garage/warehouse.  Need a 3/4" hex bolt? Don't worry, I've got some out in the shed?  One year, Jonah asked for tools for Christmas.  He got a few from us, but we were at my wife's sister's house, and my brother-in-law loaded him up with an extra set of safety glasses, a couple screwdrivers, a flashlight, and a couple other things.  Just had extras lying around he could spare.  Lying around is a bad term.  These were the ones that were in the garage attached to his house, because they weren't worthy enough to get a place in the warehouse.  Anyways, the men of the family say "dude's really screwed if he can't see Whitney's the one."  Good luck Becca!

The women say they're going to give Becca a fair shake.  When asked if his realationship with Becca is on par with Whitney, he says "we're both on the same page, but logistically, no."  What the hell does that mean?  "Just trust me family, I love these girls EXACTLY the same, even if it looks like I have no interest in her, because LOGISTICS."

While Whitney opted for bringing flowers, Becca brings food.  Advantage, Becca.  Becca is talking about her impressions of Iowa, and Mama Soules is either really drunk or really faking her reactions. Becca says "what do we do on the weekends, go to the post office?" and Mom reacts like the crowd at a Benny Hinn sermon.

Becca continues to say "I'm not ready to get married and have kids and move to Iowa, but I love Chris."  Which would be great, if you know she wasn't on a television show that is on a pretty strict timeline.  Mama tries to counsel Becca and tell her that she needs to tell Chris how much she loves him, but Becca clearly isn't ready to get married or move to Arlington.  Becca is so completely out of her depth right now.  This is why you shouldn't go on a show that ends in marriage when you've never held hands with a boy.  You wouldn't go on a reality show that involves diving off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean if you don't know how to swim.

Back from commercial, Harrison teases a "shocking twist" that has never happened on this show, but first we have to watch a couple boring dates where Whitney probably cries because her love is so vast and Becca probably cries because she doesn't know what love is.  Chris says that the hotel in Dubuque is the perfect place to relax because it's the last time they see each other before the final rose ceremony.  That is not a reason, Chris.  That's like me saying this couch is the perfect place to blog about this show because I'm sitting on it right now.  It's FATE!

Becca gets first shot and winning Chris over for good, and I'd take it as a pretty bad sign that Chris hardly looks at her while he's talking about their future together.  Becca says "I can't give you a timeline of when I'd be ready to pick up my life."  So much for relaxing, Chris!!!  After arguing about timelines for  a while, Chris just flat out asks her why she doesn't think she loves him.  The answer is "I don't know."  Why is she here again? Because sometimes guys like a challenge.  I dated a girl for a while that was really quiet, reserved, and a little uptight, but I was convinced that if I hung out with her long enough, she'd eventually loosen up.  It didn't happen, and our relationship kind of got stuck in neutral for a few months before my decision to hang out with my brother on his birthday instead of spending it with her led to a break-up.  I feel like that's what might happen with Chris and Becca - they'll just kind of hang out together for a while, until some seemingly insignificant or minor thing trips them up and the whole relationship falls apart.

Chris seems to be weighing a lifetime of "pretty good" with Whitney against the potential for "amazing" with Becca.  It's like having $20 and taking it to a friend who says "I can turn that $20 into $100 guaranteed next year, OR give me that $20 and I might turn it into $1,000, but there's also a pretty good chance I'll just take your $20 and buy myself dinner."  It really just depends if Chris is willing to settle for a woman who loves him unconditionally or hold out for a woman he loves unconditionally.

Becca got a hotel date, Whitney gets to harvest some corn.  Makes me think back to when Rachel and I were first dating and I was baling hay in the summers.  She came out with me for one day, and I think she just about broke up with me that night because she hated it so much.  Big gamble by Chris there.  Becca should probably not unpack her bag at that hotel, because Whit gets a tour of Chris' house on her date.  There's no way he pick Becca right?  However, this is the Bachelor, and Harrison's already teasing some sort of jaw dropping moment, so clearly someone's going to do something stupid.  I can't wait to see who it is.

Whitney says that this is their last night together so they need to be serious with each other - and then takes him into the bedroom with a couple glasses of wine  Guess she know what her final argument is going to be:  Remember what happens in this room tonight, because the virgin does not know how to do this.  Or...instead she reiterates exactly what she's been saying for like six weeks about how much she loves him.  Chris then says "I reciprocate those feelings....no matter what happens tomorrow."  Which is not exactly the words every girl wants to hear, but it's the best you get on the Bachelor.

As day breaks over a snow hay field, Chris tell us that he's really excited for today, a day he's been looking forward to for a while.  He then follows it up with "I was hoping for some clarity that never came."  This really sounds like a dude who isn't ready to get married.  Maybe he picks Becca because it's not a "time to get married" situation and he can feel things out.  Maybe this all a bunch of hogwash trying to get us to think he does something other than the obvious choice.

As they roll up to a barn retrofitted to be rose ceremony worthy, I think it's a bad sign that I see a skeleton's face on Chris' tie.  Maybe it's not intentional, but that's what it looks like to me.  That barn might burn down on him!  Harrison again teases something big coming up on After the Final Rose, which makes me grumpy, because I wasn't planning on watching that tonight.

Beck's first out the limo, and they whisper through their hellos like it's a hospital or library instead of a freaking barn in the middle of nowhere.  Chris lets her down fairly well.  I was actually impressed with the way he tells her he's dumping her. No tears, no questions, and only one cliche - the "you'll make some guy very lucky someday." I get the sense the Becca's almost relieved that he's letting her go....she's now off the hook and can go back to not holding hands with people in San Diego.  Chris on the other hand seems slightly bummed that she didn't put up a bigger fight.  In the limo, Becca stares out the window, while Chris stares at a bale of hay out in front of the barn.  The hay bale doesn't want to live in Arlington either, Soules.

This is setting up like Whitney's going to get the "you did everything right, but I love Becca for reasons I can't properly explain to you," then maybe on After the Final Rose, Becca realizes that she IS in love and she DOES want to marry Chris and move to Arlington.

I can't tell if Whitney's voice is wavering because she's nervous or because she's freezing in her bare shoulders dress in a drafty barn in Iowa in the middle of winter.  Whitney bares her soul, and tells Chris how much she loves him and all that stuff, and man it's going to crush her if he says no.  Of course, that doesn't happen, because that would be too much fun.  Chris tells her he loves her, and proposes to her and she says yes and it's all very sweet and I'm actually happy for these two.......

....FOR NOW......

After the Final Rose kicks off with the standard "it's been so hard for us to keep this a secret and now we can let everyone see our love and we're so excited!"  He then talks about how Becca's not ready, and then Chris asks if it would've changed things if Becca would have said she loved him.  Of course it would have Chris!  Might not have changed the final outcome, but it definitely would've altered the decision making process.

Then Becca talks for a while and it's boring, and then Chris says Whitney is the closest thing he's found to his sister which is so insanely creepy.  Let's be honest, we're all here to see Kaitlyn crowned next Bachelorette, right?

Well, now it's time for your twist -  Britt somehow weaseled her way into this thing, and they're going to let the guys decide which of the two they want to make out with for a few weeks before probably getting dumped by.  Good times.  Britt's gotta love the fact that, judging by the reactions of the Bachelor Arena crowd, nobody really wants her to be there.

I don't think these girls like each other, so this ought to make for a good first episode that probably will be a three night, two hours a night extravaganza.

Bachelor: Women Yell All

Spurred by people calling me "soft" and "LeBron-like" for quitting on the blog midseason, I'm back to blogging.  Unfortunately, I'm back the week of the Women Tell All, which - well.....like every other "special" episode in the Bachelor universe - sucks.  It's commercials on top of commercials on top of recycled material on top of six women yelling at each other at the same time.  Oh, and Chris² head out to "crash" viewing parties.  Just the biggest crap ever.  There's absolutely no way these women decorate their house and put together tailgate worthy meals every week.  I will buy that there are small groups that "woo!" and drink every time he kisses someone, but for the most part it looks like really drunk, probably desperate women willing to make fools of themselves on national television.  I might tweet at them and invite Chris Harrison and the next bachelor/ette to come watch with me while I blog on my couch alone with a Pepsi and a blanket - that might be some pretty compelling television, as I say "dude, seriously?  Do you think anyone aside from those super drunk ladies at the fake viewing parties is buying what you're selling us right now?

When Chris introduces the ladies, and I like how they put all the girls nobody remembers in the same quadrant where they aren't going to get in the camera shots of anyone we really want to hear from.  Trina?  Megan?  Nikki?  Samantha?  All in a row together.  We get some recaps of stuff that happen - some funny stuff, mostly all the mean things the girls said about each other so that they are primed to be super-bitchy to each other.  Carley comes off looking the worst, which is funny, because during the show, all her comments seemed to make sense and was exactly what everyone else at home was thinking, but all spliced together at the same time, make her look super awful.  Britt is crying, and it's hard to pay attention, because Samantha's super revealing shirt with bits of sheer material is pretty distracting.

Britt confronts Carley, which leads to every woman talking at the same time, to the point that Harrison has to pull Britt up to the "hot seat."  I guess this was to rescue her, but it didn't really make it better.  It turned into Britt yelling at Carley, Carley trying to explain herself, Britt interrupting her before she can ever get to her point (one of which was "if you read Chris' blog..." which just made me  so sad for all these women who dated this guy and then have to log on to People.com to find out what he really thought about them after the episodes air) and then all the other women chiming in.  Jillian calls Britt the most beautiful person inside and out, which I really saw no evidence of either way.  Also, I figured out why Britt never showers - it's because she cries so much she is able to bathe in her own tears.  Another hilarious moment occurs when Britt starts telling us how she has apparently devoted the better part of her life to the betterment of children.  She's built ORPHANAGES! She coaches SOCCER!  Her occupation is listed as "waitress."

Ashley Kardashian tries to explain how they heard Britt say she was in no rush to get married, and Britt jumps in to say that she needs to love herself as a single person before she let someone else love her or something like that, which really sounds like EXACTLY what Ashley just said, but for some reason the audience applauds her.  Britt then claims that she'd still be on the show if it wasn't for Carley, which....what does that say about Farmer Chris?  She then directly addresses Carley by saying "I don't want to say you were jealous" which means "you were so jealous of me."  Britt loves playing a victim.  Her entire argument is discredited by the scene where she cried because she was afraid of heights and then has absolutely no reservations or anything about getting into a hot air balloon, which is the most terrifying height related activity you can do in my opinion.

Back from commercial, and Britt is still crying.  Or is she?  Has anyone seen one tear?  It looks like there might be some condensation under her eyes, or maybe it's just glitter.  I can't tell.  From a victim to a widow....bring on Kelsey!  Side note, I listened to a half hour interview with Kelsey this afternoon, and she was every bit as arrogant in that as she came off on the show.  She referred to herself in the third person and all that jazz.  After Kelsey's little video recap, she doesn't wait for Chris to prompt her, she just rolls into her "I'm feeling betrayed...." and on and on.  She then talks down to all the women, saying they didn't like her because she can be condescending and "use big words" as if the women all hate her because she uses the word condescending.  She then says "I don't think I'm better than these women - how do you evaluate humanity?"  She can say she doesn't think she's better than the other women, but she clearly thinks than she comports herself in a better manner than her.  She's one of those people that has wine parties and makes sure to invite people from different ethnic backgrounds so that they can talk about how open minded and diverse they are and how the rest of the world is so close-minded.  I imagine she has lots of conversations about gentrification and other "big picture" problems in the world without ever really doing anything to combat those issues.  Chris Harrison finally realizes that he needs to actually earn his paycheck and shuts the women down from interjecting because he realizes this group is about one angry comment away from turning this into an episode of Jerry Springer.

The girls finally get their moment to attack, and Kelsey is way outgunned.  She tries to hold herself to her own high standards, but she doesn't do much to combat the onslaught of verbal abuse.  The real star of this show is Ashley Kardashian's reactions to everything Kelsey says.  If she had been able to show this much variety and range of emotions with her face during the show, she might've been able to stay a little longer, but alas she only showed two faces - pouty face and tongue down Chris' throat face.  Kelsey tries to explain her "my story is amazing" comment, but it's too late for her.  Everyone's already made up their mind on her.  A great moment comes when she tells Ashley that it was very hurtful for her to imply that her husband was a figment of her imagination.  Jillian has appointed herself defender of everyone on the hot seat, and Britt, having just been eviscerated herself, says "you better be 100% sure before you say something like that, because it's really mean."

Up next is Mesa Verde Ashley!  Her highlight reel might be the first one in the history of the franchise that I wasn't annoyed to have to watch.  Ashley gives probably the most honest hot seat interview ever, talking about how bored she was, and how it's hard for her to not be silly when the cameras are on.  She's like that friend every single one of us has that says something just to see how people react, only she's way better at it than anyone you know is.  She knows exactly what's going on, but she's got everyone believing she has no grasp of reality whatsoever.  Harrison begs her to come on Bachelor in Paradise, and her reaction is "it's so weird.....that we're on TV."  True statement.  She never gets to respond, but I'd be shocked if we don't see her down in Tulum or wherever they send the people this season.  Other current season girls I'd like to see down there include Jade, Ashley Kardashian, and maybe Carley.

Jade gets her moment, and it's pretty much all about her having naked pictures taken of her at one point in her life.  If she wants to do some nude modeling again, I'm pretty sure she's got a pretty good shot of making quite a bit of money off of that.  She does say that Chris told her when she left that "it wasn't because of your nekkid pix" which means that "it was totally because you posed nude, you tramp."

Kaitlyn is up next, and why is she wearing a crop top?  Also, she's got more makeup on than she ever wore during the show...she looks like Melanie Griffith or the Joker.  I'm not liking this new look Kaity.  She's still kind of sad, and I don't like sad Kaitlyn.  Fun loving Kaitlyn is one of the best people to ever be on this show, but now we get cliché Kaitlyn, who talks about letting her guard down and being authentic and talking about how her being funny doesn't take away from who she is, whatever that means.  I will say that it's pretty evident that she's not ashamed of anything that happened on the show, which is further evidenced by none of the other girls calling her out for anything.  I think she had the easiest time on the hot seat despite being the one that came the closest out of any of girls there to actually getting married to Chris, and that's probably because she's not pretending to be anything other than who she really is and not holding back with any of her answers.

Finally, Prince Farming comes out, and we get crying Britt heading out to reenact her full length feature film length hug from the first episode with Chris.  She then goes on to say that she understands why he would've believed Carley, at which point Chris tells her that she didn't go home because of what Carley said.  Britt then says "Of course I don't think you're that small-minded."  Just an hour ago she said that she believed that she went home because of Carley's comments.  DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE HER?  I'm actually shocked that the women all had the restraint not to call her out on this right on the spot.  Incredible.

Caitlyn gets the chance to say her piece, and really the only thing that comes out of it is her asking Chris why he didn't extend the same courtesy to her the he showed Becca or Andi showed him and pull her aside and not make her stand through what is going to be a rough moment for her.  A reasonable explanation, and his response of "I kind of played that one on the fly, which was not the best way to go about things" is equally reasonable.  The civility everyone is showing each other would make Will McAvoy proud, but it makes for pretty boring TV.

Jade gets her chance to ask why he doesn't love her, and like Britt, she needs to be close to him to talk to him.  Kaitlyn was able to have a conversation with him without running out to hug him, showing she's in a more stable emotional state than the rest of them.  They then yap at each other for a while, and the only interesting moment is when Jade questions him on why he agreed to see the pictures when he said it was awkward, and that they could've saved looking at them for "some time special."  Like the fantasy suite, perhaps?

Bloopers come up, and the animals are funnier than any of the people.  A little creeped out that Whitney just lets her dog hump stuffed animals all the time and then says "that's what she does?"  How do you get anything done when your dog is just openly humping stuff in front of you?  I don't think I could sit there and eat my cereal and read the paper while my dog is staring at me and grinding on Buzz Lightyear, but she makes it seem like that's a normal day for her.

Ugh....three hour finale next week.  Not looking forward to that at all.  My guess is Whitney wins, because I think Kaitlyn went home only to add drama because she was the clear #2 over Becca but wasn't going to top Whitney.