Here we go.....a virgin who's never seen semen vs. a woman who handles it on a daily basis. What's a guy to do? I'm thinking he picks Whitney, but that's just a guess. Maybe her voice isn't as annoying in person?
Live from Bachelor Arena in L.A., Harrison and his army of women spectators are fired up and ready to go. Single guys, if you want some good odds, either buy a ticket to the Bachelor finale, or hang out on the street outside right when the show lets out. Harrison doesn't do his typical stroll through the first few rows of the audience asking for their predictions, he just throws out to the perfect place to fall in love/propose, Bali!
Or not. Chris is bringing the women to Iowa for the finale? The women got to go to Albuquerque, Deadwood, and now Iowa....for the second time. Worst Bachelor locations ever. I get that Chris is super paranoid about his hometown, but he really took it to extremes. Whitney gets the first crack at winning over the family - and boy are they a farming family. Everyone's wearing plaid (including Whit) and there's pictures of combines and crop dusters on the wall of the kitchen. The decor shows the evidence of a small midwest town - There's probably one furniture store in town, and if you want a sofa, you get to choose between the ugly green or the loud flower print. In the Soules family, you just buy both and pretend they match. Forget ordering something online, because free shipping only extends to within fifty miles of the warehouse, which is 200 miles away. Whit cries and wins the family over instantly. When the girls ask what the difference between Whit and Becca is, Chris can't put into words what he likes about Becca. He starts a lot of sentences he couldn't finish. She's just....when I'm with her....she's athletic.....
She's athletic? That's what you come up with? Let me translate for Mushmouth - She's hot, and I had to bring someone who wasn't Whitney back here. Chris' mom asks why Whitney loves Chris, and she says "I want someone to call mom." So the fact that he has living parents make him marriage material? Flattery clearly works with mom, because she's ready to adopt Whit regardless of what Chris thinks. Becca has a real uphill road ahead of her. This is going to be a whole lot of awkward.
Before that though, Chris has guy time in the traditional Midwest farm garage, which is essentially a giant warehouse that everyone with more than an acre of land from Wyoming to Indiana has on their property. It's where you park your lawnmower, snow blower, combine, backhoe, and any thing else that you guy buy at Cabelas/Menards/Lowes/Home Depot. I don't know how those stores stay in business, because I swear every Midwesterner has their own mini hardware store out in their garage/warehouse. Need a 3/4" hex bolt? Don't worry, I've got some out in the shed? One year, Jonah asked for tools for Christmas. He got a few from us, but we were at my wife's sister's house, and my brother-in-law loaded him up with an extra set of safety glasses, a couple screwdrivers, a flashlight, and a couple other things. Just had extras lying around he could spare. Lying around is a bad term. These were the ones that were in the garage attached to his house, because they weren't worthy enough to get a place in the warehouse. Anyways, the men of the family say "dude's really screwed if he can't see Whitney's the one." Good luck Becca!
The women say they're going to give Becca a fair shake. When asked if his realationship with Becca is on par with Whitney, he says "we're both on the same page, but logistically, no." What the hell does that mean? "Just trust me family, I love these girls EXACTLY the same, even if it looks like I have no interest in her, because LOGISTICS."
While Whitney opted for bringing flowers, Becca brings food. Advantage, Becca. Becca is talking about her impressions of Iowa, and Mama Soules is either really drunk or really faking her reactions. Becca says "what do we do on the weekends, go to the post office?" and Mom reacts like the crowd at a Benny Hinn sermon.
Becca continues to say "I'm not ready to get married and have kids and move to Iowa, but I love Chris." Which would be great, if you know she wasn't on a television show that is on a pretty strict timeline. Mama tries to counsel Becca and tell her that she needs to tell Chris how much she loves him, but Becca clearly isn't ready to get married or move to Arlington. Becca is so completely out of her depth right now. This is why you shouldn't go on a show that ends in marriage when you've never held hands with a boy. You wouldn't go on a reality show that involves diving off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean if you don't know how to swim.
Back from commercial, Harrison teases a "shocking twist" that has never happened on this show, but first we have to watch a couple boring dates where Whitney probably cries because her love is so vast and Becca probably cries because she doesn't know what love is. Chris says that the hotel in Dubuque is the perfect place to relax because it's the last time they see each other before the final rose ceremony. That is not a reason, Chris. That's like me saying this couch is the perfect place to blog about this show because I'm sitting on it right now. It's FATE!
Becca gets first shot and winning Chris over for good, and I'd take it as a pretty bad sign that Chris hardly looks at her while he's talking about their future together. Becca says "I can't give you a timeline of when I'd be ready to pick up my life." So much for relaxing, Chris!!! After arguing about timelines for a while, Chris just flat out asks her why she doesn't think she loves him. The answer is "I don't know." Why is she here again? Because sometimes guys like a challenge. I dated a girl for a while that was really quiet, reserved, and a little uptight, but I was convinced that if I hung out with her long enough, she'd eventually loosen up. It didn't happen, and our relationship kind of got stuck in neutral for a few months before my decision to hang out with my brother on his birthday instead of spending it with her led to a break-up. I feel like that's what might happen with Chris and Becca - they'll just kind of hang out together for a while, until some seemingly insignificant or minor thing trips them up and the whole relationship falls apart.
Chris seems to be weighing a lifetime of "pretty good" with Whitney against the potential for "amazing" with Becca. It's like having $20 and taking it to a friend who says "I can turn that $20 into $100 guaranteed next year, OR give me that $20 and I might turn it into $1,000, but there's also a pretty good chance I'll just take your $20 and buy myself dinner." It really just depends if Chris is willing to settle for a woman who loves him unconditionally or hold out for a woman he loves unconditionally.
Becca got a hotel date, Whitney gets to harvest some corn. Makes me think back to when Rachel and I were first dating and I was baling hay in the summers. She came out with me for one day, and I think she just about broke up with me that night because she hated it so much. Big gamble by Chris there. Becca should probably not unpack her bag at that hotel, because Whit gets a tour of Chris' house on her date. There's no way he pick Becca right? However, this is the Bachelor, and Harrison's already teasing some sort of jaw dropping moment, so clearly someone's going to do something stupid. I can't wait to see who it is.
Whitney says that this is their last night together so they need to be serious with each other - and then takes him into the bedroom with a couple glasses of wine Guess she know what her final argument is going to be: Remember what happens in this room tonight, because the virgin does not know how to do this. Or...instead she reiterates exactly what she's been saying for like six weeks about how much she loves him. Chris then says "I reciprocate those feelings....no matter what happens tomorrow." Which is not exactly the words every girl wants to hear, but it's the best you get on the Bachelor.
As day breaks over a snow hay field, Chris tell us that he's really excited for today, a day he's been looking forward to for a while. He then follows it up with "I was hoping for some clarity that never came." This really sounds like a dude who isn't ready to get married. Maybe he picks Becca because it's not a "time to get married" situation and he can feel things out. Maybe this all a bunch of hogwash trying to get us to think he does something other than the obvious choice.
As they roll up to a barn retrofitted to be rose ceremony worthy, I think it's a bad sign that I see a skeleton's face on Chris' tie. Maybe it's not intentional, but that's what it looks like to me. That barn might burn down on him! Harrison again teases something big coming up on After the Final Rose, which makes me grumpy, because I wasn't planning on watching that tonight.
Beck's first out the limo, and they whisper through their hellos like it's a hospital or library instead of a freaking barn in the middle of nowhere. Chris lets her down fairly well. I was actually impressed with the way he tells her he's dumping her. No tears, no questions, and only one cliche - the "you'll make some guy very lucky someday." I get the sense the Becca's almost relieved that he's letting her go....she's now off the hook and can go back to not holding hands with people in San Diego. Chris on the other hand seems slightly bummed that she didn't put up a bigger fight. In the limo, Becca stares out the window, while Chris stares at a bale of hay out in front of the barn. The hay bale doesn't want to live in Arlington either, Soules.
This is setting up like Whitney's going to get the "you did everything right, but I love Becca for reasons I can't properly explain to you," then maybe on After the Final Rose, Becca realizes that she IS in love and she DOES want to marry Chris and move to Arlington.
I can't tell if Whitney's voice is wavering because she's nervous or because she's freezing in her bare shoulders dress in a drafty barn in Iowa in the middle of winter. Whitney bares her soul, and tells Chris how much she loves him and all that stuff, and man it's going to crush her if he says no. Of course, that doesn't happen, because that would be too much fun. Chris tells her he loves her, and proposes to her and she says yes and it's all very sweet and I'm actually happy for these two.......
....FOR NOW......
After the Final Rose kicks off with the standard "it's been so hard for us to keep this a secret and now we can let everyone see our love and we're so excited!" He then talks about how Becca's not ready, and then Chris asks if it would've changed things if Becca would have said she loved him. Of course it would have Chris! Might not have changed the final outcome, but it definitely would've altered the decision making process.
Then Becca talks for a while and it's boring, and then Chris says Whitney is the closest thing he's found to his sister which is so insanely creepy. Let's be honest, we're all here to see Kaitlyn crowned next Bachelorette, right?
Well, now it's time for your twist - Britt somehow weaseled her way into this thing, and they're going to let the guys decide which of the two they want to make out with for a few weeks before probably getting dumped by. Good times. Britt's gotta love the fact that, judging by the reactions of the Bachelor Arena crowd, nobody really wants her to be there.
I don't think these girls like each other, so this ought to make for a good first episode that probably will be a three night, two hours a night extravaganza.
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