Well I'm hoping to get some answers to questions I had at the end of last weeks episode. Why are all the guys crying? Why does Des like Drew so much? When is Juan Pablo coming back? And why the heck is Lawyer Mike still around?
Sadly, it looks like very few of those questions will be answered tonight. We're off to Madeira. I swear last week they said they were going to Majorca, but whatever. Apparently Des brought all the guys there on a yacht. Five guys and one dude on a boat? Psshht...we had 12 guys and one girl on a boat MUCH smaller than this at C-Runk's bachelor party this weekend. Amateurs.
The week before hometowns always bring the pressure - people start realizing that their parents are going to be meeting this girl, and they almost take the process seriously for the first time. Des brought out three girls from her past season, including one of my favorites - the smoking hot but incredibly boring Jackie. Catherine is also there to dish on her relationship with Sean. Des asks what's up with the two of them, and Catherine gives the most unemotional response ever. "it's been a whirlwind that hasn't ended yet. He wanted a best friend, I wanted a best friend, and that's what we got. The last thing he said to me was 'give Des good advice.'" Nice change of subject, Catherine. It sounded like the answer you would give when someone asked you about your marriage after 10 years, not three months of engagement. Also, I'm pretty sure the whirlwind has stopped. I haven't heard Sean or Catherine's names in months.
Des starts dishing on the guys. A recap:
- Chris is supportive without having to say anything
- Brooks is positive, adventurous, and fun
- Michael is a federal prosecutor - genuine guy
- Zak is adventurous and reflective
- Drew is sweet, but she doesn't see any spice
Out of that group, I'd say Michael the Lawyer might be in trouble. Her description of him was that he had a job. After some more deliberation, the guys walk out to play at the pool, and the girls go super creepy stalker and break out the binoculars and judge the guys on their bodies. Brooks is chastised for wearing a tank top, and then it's on to focusing on how many guys Des kissed again.
What the hell, ABC? Why are we focusing on this so much with Des? I haven't noticed her kissing any more people than any other Bachelorette or Bachelor. Is this some sort of thing where we're trying to hammer home to TV viewers that Des is not just a cute, innocent girl? Why we gotta make her look like a slut? After she gives "best kisser" to Drew, Catherine asks "which guy has the biggest (-----)?" to which Des replies, "I dunno, probably Chris!" to which the girls say "hey, you never know!" So I guess that means that Chris looks like a guy with a small package. Good luck overcoming that stigma, buddy!
Brooks humblebrags that he's been on so many group dates, he's forgotten how to act on single dates....the implication that he's the first dude to get a second one-on-one date. Des whisks him away in a tiny European car, and they cruise out to some cliffs overlooking the water. Brooks is an idiot. Just once I'd like to hear some sort of insightful statement from him. Instead we get "thanks for inviting me on this date," and "we're not above the clouds and not below the clouds...we're like in the clouds!" Des makes a lame "we didn't just have a breakthrough in the clouds, we had a breakthrough in our relationship!" I still don't see it. I just don't get them as a couple. Des apparently does though. She says "picture the best dream you've ever had, then times it by ten, then live it, and that's where I am." After that endorsement, you'd think Brooks is your favorite right? I think that might be Des' version of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you." She'll say something just as over the top about the next guy too I'm sure.
Back at the house, the guys are anxiously awaiting the date card. After Chris Harrison drops off a note on a small table and ding-dong ditches the guys, it is revealed that the next date will go to Chris...who apparently did an internal Tiger Woods fist pump. Back on the date, Des toasts to "one of the best dates she's ever been on." Brooks starts talking about how "he's not lose to his family just because they're his family." So all the rest of us who think we're close to our family are wrong? This is just a bizarre monologue. Basically all he's saying is that he worries that Des doesn't want to meet his family, and doesn't want to bring home a girl that's just keeping him around because ABC won't let her cut him loose yet. They then talk about how there are stages between like and love, and then equate them to speeds: stepping, skipping, running and finish line! Des says she's starting to run, and Brooks is elated. S"he said she's running, and I feel like that was an honest response. I want to start running too!" Ugh. Also, his sweater and her dress get an "ugh." Cue the fireworks! Des loves that he wanted her to meet his family....as if he's going to say no.
Next up is Chris. He's apparently clueless as to why the date card said "let's SEA if we can find love." So the idea that you might be going out on a boat never crossed your mind, buddy? The guys go watch them walk off and Brooks says "oh good they're not holding hands!" Seriously? You're trying to glean something from their body language? Immediately Chris grabs her hand, and Brooks gets all frowny face. Michael says he'll break his fingers, which is a lie. He'd coerce Mikey or James to break them for him. He's a lawyer, right?
Chris finally grasps the "we're going on a boat" concept, and shows genuine emotion for the first time on the show. He says "we're going to be chilling boat style, drinking some vino...." I think I liked boring Chris better. Des asks Chris if he's the same around her as he is around his friends, and he says 100%, well..I'm not hugging everyone and holding their hands." Goes without saying buddy. Sometimes less is more. During their picnic, Chris brings out a bottle and says "we're going to do a message in a bottle, but we're going to write a poem together." GAG ME NOW.
Experiences we share together
keep the memories close to heart
so that with time
our love never parts
No matter the distance or hours away
know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you
just as the waves crash into the shore
I long for the day I'll be with your forevermore.
That poem looks like it was written by two people that were hours apart and couldn't communicate. Some lines are short, some are long. Some rhyme, some don't. Also, ending it with "forevermore" gives it a real Edgar Allen Poe-y feeling to me, and that's not a good thing. I'm not a fan of their poetry. Actually, I'm not a big fan of any poetry. It's all too flowery and over the top for me. Except haikus. Haikus are awesome. Here's a Bachelorette Haiku for you.
Des kisses many men
Their man junk she dreams about
Stab me with a knife
At dinner, Chris is nervous. He's trying to tell her he loves her, but of course the only way he can do it is through the power of poetry.
Individually Defined
The strongest word with so much meaning
hard to say without a stammer
but when expressed with true feeling
sincere, for no other word can mean so much more
like the time we had atop the hotel
seventeen above
feelings had changed and were oh so real
meant to be is how I feel
our hearts are open
words expressed by you
feelings I know are so true
I look forward to the unknown
appreciate your emotion you have shown
and I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.
Expressed in writing
and felt through touch
enjoy this moment
and embrace this rush
The strongest word with so much meaning
not so hard to believe its true
our hearts are open and in each kiss
I truly mean that I love you.
I guess it's the sentiment that counts, but man is that tough to read. Des loves it. She's blown through the roof and wasn't expecting him to say the big "L." She's pretty happy, and her every kiss seems to say "Brooks who?" Chris thinks he's found "the one." Des has no words, since she seems intent on kissing Chris for the rest of her life.
Time for a date with Michael now. Des would love having Michael in her life. "I feel like we would have a blast together, he would have my back...I feel like he has all the qualities that would make a loyal, trustworthy husband." You take out the word husband, and you could replace it with "Labradoodle." Seriously she just described all the qualities I'm looking for in the next pet for our family.
Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 criteria for the perfect woman. I'm not sure what she sees in this guy. So far he's shown only that he's a petulant tattletale who likes to back people into a corner. Des, who apparently picked up on none of that, says that he's "the sweetest person she's ever met." So that makes two guys that are "the sweetest person in the world." I think they should fight for that title. Next, it's time for two guys dressed like ice cream vendors to shove them down a hill on a couch. What the hell is going on? Michael gets the short straw and has to equate love to couch bobsledding. I really love that these two guys have to push them all the way down the hill. What kind of job is that? "Oh, I push people on couches down hills. It's really tough, because if you don't steer them correctly, the couch will bump into the curb at a low rate of speed."
After a wardrobe change (Michael goes for sport coat, v-neck and jeans while Des opts for denim jacket over form fitting white dress. Advantage, Desiree. Michael says that date exceeded his expectation, and that he had so much fun. Des says "awww............thanks." Clearly, she was looking for more.
Time for Michael to tell his sob story about being the product of a broken home with diabetes. It's prepared him to be a good dad apparently. Des seems content, but is definetly not feeling it the way she was on the other two dates. My hypothesis is that she picked two one-on-one dates with her front runners, then gave the third to Michael because she knows this week she won't have to straight up diss him and listen to him try to lawyer his way out of it. We'll see if I'm right. Also, Michael apparently found out via a Facebook photo that his girlfriend had moved on. Ouch.
As they wander through the streets, they come across an old women wailing away to some opera music. They sort of stand there with an arm around each other and then finally give each other little pecks on the cheek. I'm convinced now. She wants Michael as a friend, but not as a lover. He's her labradoodle.
Drew's super confident, which is funny since the previews make it look like he's not anywhere near 100% committed to this process. Good times. Zak sums up the absurdity of the show perfectly: "I'm 100% in love with this woman. I've known her for WEEKS." Alrighty then....time for some European go-karting! Des is ready to see the guys let loose and show her their fun sides. Zak says "there's so many twist and turns that complicate this track..." So basically it's not a straight line.
After some warm-up laps, Des pits the two bros against each other, and ABC hilariously makes them talk to the cameras while wearing the helmets. As they whip around the track, Drew tells us how the feeling you get from love is similar to the feeling from racing around the track. Not to be outdone, Zak says the same thing in slightly different words. Drew is bummed that he loses the race, but then issues a warning. "I have the upmost respect for Zak, but I'm going to go above and beyond to show her how I feel." Does Drew have a few cards up his sleeve to play? Find out after the break!
Zak's "prize" for winning is the first time with Des. That seems like a pretty crappy prize....you're not getting anything extra. And, Drew gets the opportunity to leave the last impression before she gets the rose. Drew turns on the charm, showing her his drawings and talking about how it symbolizes the feelings he felt when he kissed her. Zak played that well.
Drew's turn. Come, let's sit on a flimsy blanket atop some old Firestone tires! Des really tries to get Drew to be flirty with her, but he's not going for it. He's in total serious mode. He wants Des to meet his sister. Des is looking right at Drew, but he's looking at the ground. Like, seriously not looking at her at all. I'm really confused by this fella. The words coming out of his mouth do not jive with they way he's saying them. But Des is smitten. She's all about the kissing, and Drew drops in a "I've fallen for you" which is the poor man's "I love you."
While Drew seems to think that he'll get another chance to say "I love you" later on, Zak feels like it wasn't even necessary to say, because he was so smooth. Rose goes to Drew, for sharing a heart wrenching story about his sister having a severe mental handicap. Aside from the obvious reasons I would never be on the Bachelor (happily married, lacking a six-pack), I feel like I'd be instantly disqualified because I feel largely unaffected by my parents splitting up and because I have all my limbs and am not related to anyone with a deformity or handicap. It's like a requirement now that you talk about some struggle in your life. If you've led a happy life, you're at a serious disadvantage, so much so that you need to exploit the memory of a deceased relative or blow some unhappy moment out of proportion just to garner a sympathy rose. Otherwise, you're seen as "not opening up." It's a great show to watch, but seriously would it be worth it to be a part of this?
After a montage of the guys packing their bags, Des deliberates with Chris. This is the best week she's had, which makes sense because she's more comfortable with the guys. Chris reminds Des that she's about to break someone's heart (probably). He brings up the fact that she'd never been to Europe again, and Des talks about how she never imagined that she'd get to travel overseas as a part of the Bachelorette. Chris asks about the guys, and Des says that Drew is the best looking guy she's ever seen, and he's so sincere. She then drops a bomb and has moved from running to the finish line with Brooks. Then she starts crying. Holy crap...how is this guy the first to win her heart? He's so boring! I also think this is a first for a bachelor/ette to admit to loving one of the contestants before the final rose. Interesting. Chris asks if the competition is over, and Des isn't ready to say that...yet. She's still giving Chris a chance at least. So basically it looks like all Brooks has to do is not screw up, and he'll win. Either that, or she's giving Chris a chance to dramatically improve his poetry and seal the deal.
In the end, it's Michael the Labradoodle that gets sent packing, as I thought. He should really be proud of the fact that he was able to lawyer his way into the final five, because he really had no business being there. Des gets to give Michael the traditional "you're such a special guy" send-off. He gets the "we have a great friendship" line, and then Des smartly just shakes her head and says "I dunno." Might be the first genuine send-off ever. Michael's still laying on the charm trying to sway her, saying things like "no girl is going to compare to you." Guess he's going to have to settle with looking for a girl with only 47 out of 47 perfect woman categories.
He's grumpy in the limo, talking about how he's tired of being rejected, then says "this would've made his mom's life." He then calls his mom from the limo! His mom says "here we go again!" Best line ever from a mom! That just made this entire episode worth it. So much behind those four words! Then Michael moans 'maybe I'm just never meant to have a family!" Oh god, cry me a river!
Next week, the return of Des' brother! Also, there's absolutely no indication we'll get to see any of the man crying that was teased on last week's episode. ABC's again found a way to keep me in the game to the very end.
Love your recaps, and am looking forward to week 8. Hoping you were able to watch, as it was hometown week and I'd love to hear what you thought!
ReplyDeleteI did watch Hometown week, but unfortunately I was on vacation and didn't really have access to a computer. But if Zak thought that having his siblings sing a song while he strummed a guitar while soulfully looking at his shoes was going to woo her, well then he deserved to be sent home. That was just awkward.
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