Bachelorette Episode 9 - Crisis in Killarney

It's a rare thing this season indeed when I get to watch the Bachelorette on the night it airs, so hopefully I'm rewarded with an episode worthy of a semi-live blog.

We start with Kaitlyn walking around a lake (loch?) and telling us how stressful it was letting Chris go and also dealing with the consequences of her decision to let Nick explore her Cave of Wonders (Aladdin reference).  The first date card comes as three of the guys (Ben H., Shawn, and Nick) hilariously sharing a loveseat and looking super uncomfortable.  Ben H. gets the solo date, leaving Nick and Shawn on the loveseat.  Shawn moves over, but strangely puts his arm across the back of the loveseat behind Nick, like he's about to go in for "the movie-move."

The date begins with a romantic rowboat ride to an island in Ireland.  You can almost feel the romance in the air as Ben H. says "I just love to walk around these things and think of...the Vikings." The Vikings?  Not leprechauns?  Vikings?  Kaitlyn clearly isn't on a romantic vibe either as she replies "that's bad ass."  In keeping with the anti-romance vibe of this date, they play a game of hide and seek, where Kaitlyn decides the best place to hide is in a corner like it's the Blair Witch Project or something:

Can you see me?

When they get down to the brass tacks of relationships, Kaitlyn admits that she's hard to deal with sometimes, and she wants someone who won't give up on her.  When Ben says "I didn't realize that was even an option!"  I half expected Kaitlyn to say "good, because I f*cked Nick last week, but I swear it didn't mean anything."  Instead, they kiss as Kaitlyn tells us that when they're talking and kissing "it feels good."  I'm guessing it'd feel pretty good to kiss Hope Solo, but that doesn't mean that  I should consider a relationship based on that.

Ben then says that his biggest fear is that he might not be loved back or be lovable.  Of course that's your biggest fear.  If in a relationship your biggest fear isn't that the person you love doesn't feel the same way about you, then there's something wrong.  What else would your biggest fear be?  That she's an axe murderer? That her parents will be Scientologists?  Kaitlyn lets him know that he's definitely lovable (like a teddy bear.) He says "I can't wait to talk all night," and Kaitlyn immediately feels like "yo this guy might be a virgin."  She's all bent out of shape because she had sex with Nick because he was all over her on their date, and this guy says the opposite, and she's all of a sudden "wait this dude only wants to TALK?  He must be a virgin!"  

Ben says he's not, but he's glad he comes off that way.  Does that not sound like something a serial rapist would say?  Kaitlyn is super relieved that he's not a virgin, then asks him to tell her about the time he lost his virginity.  This girl straight up sucks at romance.  In fact, she sucks at relationships.  She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, but she is awful at this.  In no way is she ready for marriage.  Whomever proposes to her, I hope they're ready to be sitting on opposites sides of the couch at After the Final Rose.

Group date time with Shawn, Nick, and Joe.  The "lucky" guy who gets a rose on this date gets the golden ticket to the fantasy suites.  Shawn gets the first solo time on the date, and they lament the fact that they didn't kiss last week.  So, when you spend your time talking instead of kissing, things didn't go so well?  Well rather than figure out why that is, let's just kiss some more!  Kaitlyn knows that she needs to talk to him about having sex with Nick, but it's just so much more fun to kiss...so she avoids it until Nick saves her by stealing her away.

Kaitlyn then decides to talk to Nick, asking him how he feels about having sex with her.  This might be the biggest softball question of all time.  She clearly wants to only have good conversations with people.  She laughs, relieved that he enjoyed humping her, and then proceeds to say that she feels somewhat guilty, although she's "a grown woman who can do what she wants."  Ok, Cartman:

Shawn tries to pressure Joe into breaking up their alone time, but Joe's a sissy and realizes that she likes Nick and Shawn way more than she likes him, and decides he'd rather just sit on a bench outside an Irish castle than hang out with Kaitlyn and tells Shawn "nah, I'm good."  Kaitlyn then decides not to let him sit this out, and forces him off his bench.  Not wanting to waste alone time with a sure thing, Joe makes out with her practically while she's mid-sentence.  Nice plan, Joe.  Get your parting gift on your way out.

Kaitlyn then compliments him on being "brutally honest" with her, and she says that she owes it to him to be "brutally honest" with him.  Somehow, him being brutally honest involves him telling her how great she is, but her brutal honesty involves her telling him she doesn't like him as much as he likes her.  He says "it's cool" but won't look at her.  She says "well just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I didn't think you were kinda hot when we were making out last week" or something along those lines.  She tries to hug him, but he's like "thanks for dumping me on a bench, I like sitting on benches."  

Kaitlyn returns to the guys, tells them she dumped Joe and that it was really hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it might be then push she needed to finally start actually talking to people rather than just making out and pretending that her own personal booze cruise is going to last forever.  She tells Nick that they're cool, but he needs to go home, because she's got some things she needs to discuss with Shawn.  Shawn's super excited, but only because he doesn't realize that one of those "things" he needs to talk about with her is Nick's penis.

They spend some time laughing on a couch, rubbing each others legs while drinking oversized glasses of alcohol.  Their conversation goes something like this (my interpretation of what Kaitlyn says will be in bold.)

Shawn:  Are you nervous?

Kaitlyn:  Laughs hysterically (YUP)

Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn:  Well, I just want to be honest with you, because I know how important trust is to you (Just remember you brought this on yourself, Shawn, what with all your 'be honest with me' mumbo jumbo)

Shawn:  Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn: I haven't told anyone else this, but I felt like I needed to tell you (You're so gonna hate this, but your reaction will be super awesome for the cameras)

Shawn: Uhhhhh....(it's slowly dawning on him that this isn't going to be a happy conversation)

Kaitlyn:  On my date with Nick, he came back to my hotel room (you don't need to know it's because I invited him) and things went a little too far (hoping you think that he forced himself on me) and we had sex (cue Lonely Island and Akon)

Shawn: (pauses for an uncomfortably long time) Do you regret it?

Kaitlyn:  I felt guilt and I didn't expect that to happen (Nope), but when I woke up in the morning, I thought about what it would do to our relationship (I was hoping you'd want to even up the score so to speak)

Shawn: Why are you telling me this?

Kaitlyn: I felt like it was the right thing to do. (ABC made me)

Shawn then excuses himself from the table.  He's hiding in the bathroom, but we are treated to his voice telling us that he's "so tense right now he can't even piss."  Well that's classy.  Shawn comes back and seems a bit more relaxed (maybe he figured out how to pee again?"  Then he incredibly thanked her for telling him, and says "you know how I feel about that guy, but I'm gonna fight through this."  Kaitlyn then asks him if he thinks that this going to be worth it at the end.  I can't be certain, but I think she basically just told him that any guy that wants to be with her has to be ok with her having sex with other guys while not having sex with him.  Shawn, because he's an idiot, agrees.  Glad we're all on the same page.  Hang in there Shawn....you're the prince of this fairy tale, but first the princess is gonna have sex with all the other frogs to make sure they're really just frogs. 

Shawn comes back and says "It went great" and Nick is not cool with Shawn going to bed feeling confident, so he throws out there that "he feels great" about his time, while subtly reminding Shawn that she had a perfect opportunity to offer him a rose, but didn't give it to him.

Heading into the rose ceremony, Shawn is contemplating heading home because the more he thinks about it, the more he's not OK with her having sex with Nick.  He needs to talk to Kaitlyn about these things before the ceremony.  That's usually Chris Harrison's cue to tell the guys that the Bachelorette is forgoing cocktail party time to dole out roses, and tonight is no exception.  Kaitlyn then tells the guys that it's "shocking" to her to be there with only four "beautiful faces" looking back at her - another indication that she's wishing she still had twenty guys to wine and dine her and make out with.  Instead, she's cutting one guy loose so she can hump the other three.  Nick should be worried, because he's already been down that road, and Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl that's not going to climb the same mountain twice, when there's three other mountains there that she hasn't dug her crampons into.  

Shawn gets offered the first rose, but he's like "yo we need to talk."  He basically says "you told me I was the one, I told you I hated Nick, you spent "off-camera time" with Nick, and I'm just wondering why you think that's a good idea."  Kaitlyn starts off a little rough saying "I'm here to explore other relationships" but then gets down to business saying "I shouldn't have told you that you were the one, because even if I felt it at the time, I still wanted to make sure.  But rest assured, that when this process is over, there will be no more exploring."  She then accuses Shawn of not trusting her, which makes sense because she basically did the one thing that could hurt him the most on this show and then told him AND ONLY HIM about it.  Nonetheless, when she offers him the rose again, he says "absolutely" as if there was no chance he was going to say no.  Maybe this was a power play to make Nick sweat a little bit.  

Ben the virgin serial rapist gets a rose, leaving it down to rat-faced Jared and Nick.  Jared gets sent home, which of course is a bummer because he seems like the best guy out of the remaining four, and maybe he was the best out of all the guys this season.  Because he's an idiot, he offers her his coat and then tells her it's OK that she just sent him home for a guy who apparently exudes no sex appeal whatsoever, a smarmy guy with bad sweaters who relishes making other people uncomfortable, and another guy who has turned this into a personal battle to beat the smarmy bad sweater dude (whose name he won't even say anymore) rather than having it be about love.

Kaitlyn is now sobbing because Jared is gone.  She then basically admits that she sent him home because he wasn't outwardly telling her how awesome she was enough.  

Nick gets the first fantasy date which are apparently called "overnights" when they're not in a tropical location.  They wander into a church, and Nick tells her about how he "grew up in the church" and how his parents met at church and then he tells some story that sounds made up about how a four year old walked up to his dad and said  "you're going to marry that girl."  I don't believe that for a second, because I've been around four year olds, and they all think that people marry their sisters or cousins.  Anyways, they spend the day in an Irish pub talking to a couple of old Irish guys about what the secret of marriage is.  I repeat, they asked a couple of guys in their sixties who spend their afternoons in the bar without their wives what the secret of marriage was. 

Shawn continues to blame Nick for stealing Kaitlyn away like she's got not choice or free-will in the matter.  You can almost see his biceps getting bigger just thinking about it.  Nick then says that he "wants to connect with Kaitlyn on every possible level there is to connect with another person" which is one of those things that people say that sound really sweet, but when you actually think about it make absolutely no sense.  

Nick then goes insane.  Rather than playing it cool and keeping the focus on her, he instead figures that now would be the perfect time to try to bury Shawn.  Such a stupid move.  He could've just laid back, kept talking about connecting on a subatomic level and making her the center of his universe, and yet he decides to talk about Shawn and make some reference to him bragging about having sex with a girl who went on to have sex with a country singer later that night.  Kaitlyn then seems to be a little chafed at the direction of this conversation and kind of bites back at Nick, asking him why everyone says he's bad news, but he's the only one saying anything about Shawn.  Nick is now backpedalling, talking about how "it's weird that the guys all love Shawn and seem to be ok with him winning."  Who are all these guys?  There's only one other guy left, and he's super sweet and sensitive and his a questionable virgin.

Kaitlyn then shrugs all this off like.....well like this:

"So that was a really terrible conversation that totally killed the vibe, but I'm still DTF if you are, ya?"

After a semi funny prank where Kaitlyn pretends they're having their fantasy night in a jail cell, but then they head off to the real hotel and spend their night apparently talking and eating ham.   Are they just pretending they didn't have sex, or does it not really matter at this point?

I'll tell you who it does matter to - SHAWN.  He's about to go Incredible Hulk on Nick.  Of course he calls the hotel and is able to just ask for Nick's room number and of course they give it to him.  I'll give Shawn this - at least he didn't try to come up with a lame gambit to get the room number like Nick did with Andi on his last run on the Bachelorette.  

Shawn gets the room number and goes over to tell Nick he hates him to his face.  Nick says "that's cool, I hate you too." They then proceed to basically talk over each other and I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever. 

Then we get to see Britt and Brady holding hands and talking about how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, and I have to cut and paste the end of the last paragraph, because I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.

Bachelorette Episodes 5-8: A Show I Don't Recognize

WHAT IS GOING ON? You take four weeks off from watching a show, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. There was a bromance, the return of a guy from two seasons ago that nobody liked, a guy throwing a tantrum and deciding two months into the show that he was better than everyone else, sex on a date, a date in a coffin, a man crying into a scarf, an epically bad haircut, and oh yeah NO HOMETOWNS.  Let's just change it up and bring Britt back for the last few episodes just in case any of the guys get cold feet why don't we!  It was all too much for me, but I'll try to break it down quickly:

JJ is a bad guy.  Clint is not quite as bad of a guy, but still very arrogant.  Clint and JJ get along.  They like to joke about performing sex acts on each other.  Clint decides joking around with JJ is more fun than trying to date Kaitlyn, but his macho bro-code won't let him lose a girl to another guy, so he turns on the machismo.  Kaitlyn kinda likes hooking up with dudes, so she's down with him.  Other guys tell her Clint and JJ are idiots, so she confronts Clint.  Clint doesn't like being challenged, so he gets testy.  Kaitlyn tells him to leave.  Before he leaves, JJ throws him under the bus and asks for an apology.  Now Clint wants to fight JJ.  JJ feels so bad about using his friend's demise for personal gain that he does this:

Get it together man!

Nick returns, lays on the charm, still befuddles me why any girl likes this guy.  Kaitlyn really likes him though, and invites him back to her room.  When he leaves, she suddenly decides that it was a bad idea.  She doesn't regret having sex, mind you.  She regrets that it might damage the rest of her relationships.  She should probably just hump the rest of the guys to make it equitable.  I think that's probably her best course of action here.

Ian wants to be on Broadway.  However, he gets passed over for a nerdy dentist.  This sends him into one of the most epic rants ever on the show.  In case you've forgotten.  Ian:

• Is a very talented singer
• Went to Princeton
• CHEATED DEATH
• Has been around the world MULTIPLE TIMES
• Has LOTS of sex in his real life
• Had a girlfriend that was ten times hotter than Kaitlyn.

He then proceeds to tell Kaitlyn most of this, while also throwing in that she's dumb and sort of a slut.  He then says he was disappointed she wasn't as "deep" as him, then proceeds to exclaim "I need to have sex."  Ian is an idiot.

Shawn was one of my favorites.  I was surprised by his sick burns in the rap battle, and he definitely had that Ryan Gosling vibe working for him.  Unfortunately, he then decided to tell Kaitlyn about how he was in a serious car wreck six years ago that left him in the hospital for two months, but it was worth it because if he hadn't almost died, he wouldn't be her with her.  Car crash stories - you've heard one, you've heard them all, right?

He then shows her pictures of his sister and his dog and then flips out when he doesn't get a group date rose.  I thought this was all very weird, until it's revealed that a drunk Kaitlyn snuck into the guys hotel room and told Shawn that "he was the one." Now it makes a little more sense.  But still...stop whining!

Jared is probably my favorite of the guys left, which isn't saying much.  He looks like a weasel and woo's Kaitlyn with quotes from Dumb and Dumber.  THIS IS YOUR FRONT RUNNER??  Ugh.  

Josh was another guy I liked....the big dumb galoot from Kuna,Idaho.  Unfortunately, he decided that he needed to defend Kaitlyn's honor from that bastard Nick, because that's what big dumb galoots from Idaho do.  It didn't go well.  So, the quick thinking galoot does what any quick thinking galoot would do to get himself back in good graces with a lady, he asks her to give him a haircut while blindfolded.  ABC gives her some clippers with battery life on 10%, she shaves half his head and calls it good.  The result is not exactly Natalie Dorner-esque:

King Kuna

Queen Margaery

Cupake Chris got to (sort of) be Aladdin, and made the comment that "I always go for the princess - maybe this time I'll actually get her to go for me too!"  This is just so, so sad.  It makes you wonder just how many Tennessean princesses have told this guy "you have great teeth, but the answer is no." I love how as Kaitlyn dumps him on the cliffs of Ireland, he cuts her off and says "I see where this is going, what can I do?"  This is like asking the semi truck that's already blown a tire and is crossing median right towards you to take a time-out.  He then narrates his own meltdown "C'mon Chris, get it together.....I promised myself I wouldn't cry!"

Also, Ben Z. (who looks just a little like Superman in Man of Steel when he's still just a lumberjack and doesn't know he's Superman yet) got sent home.  I have no idea why, because he seemed like a pretty good guy, even if Kaitlyn in a coffin in an Irish pub makes him think of his two-decades dead mother.  I think this is why he went home.  Instead of kissing the "dead girl" in the coffin, he instead tries to turn it into an actual funeral.

The biggest development to me was Chris Harrison basically telling Kaitlyn "you're way too much of a ho for me to send you to these guys' mothers."  It was either this, or Kaitlyn said "hey Chris we've got a problem.  I can't hump these guys at their parent's houses.....can we just skip to the fantasy suite part?  I'll cut a few of the prudes this week, I promise!" Either way, this girl needs to get it together.  She's like that girl that says she "hates drama and immature people," yet every time you find yourself a bar with a mechanical bull, there she is, riding that thing like Pecos Bill:

Bachelorette Episode 1: Double Trouble

Welcome to yet another season of this incredible show.  I know this post is late this week, and II'd like to take the time to personally apologize to every person that contacted me concerned that I wasn't watching or blogging this season:

Grant, I'm sorry.

Ok, back to the blog

Despite the fact that the show is seemingly getting more popular with time, they nevertheless decide to mess with the format, bringing back not one but TWO girls from last season - Britt and Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn is probably best remembered for telling Farmer Chris he could "plow the f*ck" out of her field on the first night.  Britt is probably best remembered for crying a lot and not taking showers.  My memory of Britt is her literally crying when she found out she was going on a hot air ballon date because she was "deathly afraid" of heights, then having "the best time ever" on that date.  With the guys getting to vote one of these "ladies" off of Bachelorette Island, I have to wonder if the guys will remember how insane Britt is, or if they'll be brainwashed by her beauty alcohol.

Chris is here, and he hits the ground running, giving us the standard "most talked about, controversial season" line.  I gotta ask who truly views this show as controversial? Also, who's talking about it?  Even though I didn't watch this episode for almost a week after it aired, I had surprising little trouble avoiding learning the outcome.

I love the shots of the limo caravan bringing these girls to the mansion.  But now we get to the good stuff.  Let's met the "men."

Up first is Jonathan, who is an automotive spokesman.  Does this mean he is the Lorax of cars?  He's a minority and a dad.  Prime candidate for getting the "you are so great, but you need to be back with your kid because it'll get even harder if I don't let you go now" speech in week three.

Up next is a lonely farmer from Kentucky.  Basically Chris Soules with an accent.  I didn't even catch his name.

Firefighter Josh is the third guy up and OH MY GOD HE'S NOT A FIREFIGHTER!

Brady the singer/songwriter from Nashville annoys the hell out of me.  He seems like the kind of guy who believes that real life should be like the song lyrics he writes.  Also he looks like Macklemore, which is killing me.

Some welder from smalltown Idaho won't be around very long I don't think.  These girls aren't going to want a guy that reminds them of the #soulestrain they almost rode to Tinyville, Iowa.

Ian is our first sob story of the year, having been "left for dead" after being hit by a car.  Despite being told by doctors he'd never run again, surprise! He's chiseled like a Greek God.

Up next is some guy with dumb hair and an even worse shirt who asks his dog what shirt he should pack.  NEXT.

Tony the yoga dude seems like he's probably been told that he's going to the be weird sensitive guy and to really play up that angle.  Claims he's been "training for this" my whole life.

Personal trainer dude lost his mom twelve years ago, but still stares longingly at picture of her.  Hilariously, as he's flipping through pictures, he flips past one of him and his mom in a hospital bed to one of him with some dude at dinner that was obviously taken many years after she had passed away. Who vetted that?  And why are those two pictures even anywhere near each other?  Even if the dude keeps all his pictures in a shoebox, those pictures probably should've been in different shoeboxes.

Here come the girls, Kaitlyn in the black sparkly dress and Britt in the more innocent looking white dress.  Britt's dress actually looks like something at 15 year old would wear to prom.

I like the idea of the guys meeting both of them at the same time.....who do they approach first?  Do they have to have two pickup lines?

Guy one goes handshake with Kaitlyn, so naturally Britt gives him a hug.  It's on early!  The Lorax is next out of the gates, and he makes no bones about his affection for Britt.  Britt's digging him too.

In fact, quite a few of the guys seem to be digging on Britt.  I'm guessing none of them watched the show last season.  Either that, or they're conveniently editing out all of the conversations with Kaitlyn.  The way this is setting up, Kaitlyn is going to kill it at the party, and the guys will vote her in (by one vote of course).  The worst pick up line goes to the dude who says "hey Disney princess,"  narrowly edging out the dude who is wearing a headband and a tennis racket, who must have been so lame they edited out everything he said.  Also, stripper firefighter sticks to his strengths and keeps his mouth shut and takes his clothes off.  JJ tells Kaitlyn that he'd love to "puck" her.  Somewhat funny.  Some dude said his dad taught him to give a woman a tissue when she cries, and he knows how much Britt cried last season, so "just in case" he hands her a travel pack of Kleenex.  Might be the most tone deaf gift ever.

Kaitlyn says that she didn't picture the "start of falling in love" being like this.  Oh you didn't picture standing outside of a house with another woman as multiple guys hop out of a limo and size you both up?  This whole thing is pretty awkward...can we get to the drinking and over the top machismo?  Kaitlyn goes to tell the guys "hey hang in there, the fun part's coming" and Britt is all pissed off about  it, mostly because she didn't think of it first, and now she can't go give her own pep talk because then she'd look like a copycat, and here comes the middle school drama that Britt is so good at.

Tony the sensitive yoga dude, gives the EXACT SAME SPEECH to both girls, which is about the most insensitive thing he could do.  What a poser.

Time for the drunk person who has become a staple of every season premiere of this show.  Ryan's basically morphed into a skinny Chris Farley character.  Shawn the "amateur sex coach" shows up in a hot tub car, and I'm completely flabbergasted.  Drunk Ryan is not impressed.  Yet, he's completely enthralled with the next guy's vehicle:  Chris the Dentist shows up in a cupcake and says it's because he wanted to do something sweet.....that's much worse than calling someone a Disney princess.

The guys seem to be excited at the prospect of having two Bachelorettes, most likely because they could strike out and still have a chance a redemption with the other girl.  Kaitlyn starts off with a very, very bad joke that the guys courtesy laugh at, and Britt goes straight for the "I'm looking for my best friend."  These two couldn't be more different.   The guys talking to Kaitlyn are picking up on her goofiness and acting accordingly.  All the conversations they show with Britt seem to revolve around their children, or sponsored children.  One dude has a kid named Aurellious.  I wonder if his favorite movie is Gladiator?  I'm too lazy to figure out who it was or look up the profiles on ABC.com to see how many guys picked Gladiator as their favorite movie.

Tony the sensitive guy looks like he got punched under his left eye maybe?  In any event, he votes for Britt because her rose was "pulsating."  Some other drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops.  He gets my first impression rose.  I love triceratops.

I also love that the girls have to lobby for the guys while the guys are simultaneously lobbying for them.  It makes for a little bit more interesting opening episode, although I'm slightly annoyed with the three hour season premiere.  If they can figure out how to compress this into one standard two hour episode, that'd be great.

A nice little moment when Ben asks Kaitlyn about her tattoo and she says "you know, Chris never asked me about it once."  What the hell, Chris?  This seems like second/third date territory, and she made it to the final two or three?  Tattoos are incredibly personal things to most people, and it's an easy way to show you're interested in a person.  Even if you don't really care, you still ask.  However, I always want to know about people's tattoos, because I'm fascinated by the thought process that goes into engraving an image or word on your body forever.

Ok, back to the show.  Drunk Ryan gets confronted by Shawn the sex coach for insulting his hot tub car.   Let me type that sentence again:

DRUNK RYAN GETS CONFRONTED BY SHAWN THE SEX COACH FOR INSULTING HIS HOT TUB CAR.

Reality TV my ass.  In any event, Drunk Ryan doesn't remember telling Shawn him and his stupid car sucked, but he doesn't miss a chance to tell that he (and everything about him) sucks again.  Drunk people are the best.  Ryan continues his one-man race to the bottom by telling Britt "a lot of guys like her," referring to the Bachelorettes as a "couple a' hoes," and then tapping Kaitlyn on the ass and telling her she's "Ryan approved."

The guys decide that Ryan needs to go, most likely because they feel the need to protect the ladies who have not asked for their protection.  JJ tells him that he's being inappropriate, and I'm pretty sure Ryan threatens to rape him.  How do you not laugh at the guy at that point?  Apparently Chris Harrison also feels the need to protect the ladies, but hilariously sends in an enormous crew member/bouncer to escort Ryan out of the house so he can dismiss him.  Nobody is bigger than Harrison, you betta' recognize!

Dude who brought the Kleenex gets his time with Britt, and she calls out his Kleenex move for the dick-move it was, and they immediately cut to Kleenex dude telling some other guys "I like Kaitlyn more...she's more real."  What a sissy.  Also sissyish is Brady the crooner who says "Britt is a billion on a scale of one to ten."  He played baseball, prayed when his career was over, and it led him to writing songs that are "so spiritual."  Britt LOVES it.

Chris Harrison interrupts to let everyone know that the votes are in.....and I just had a thought.  Does Drunk Ryan's vote count?  What if it's thirteen to twelve and HIS vote is the deciding vote?  Although it looked like he just chucked his rose at Britt's picture, so I'm not sure if that's a vote for or against her.  We get lots of shots of the girls looking bored/nervous while Chris takes way too long to count twenty-five roses.

Votes have finally been tallied and the winner is.........
(continued next blog)

Bachelor in Paradise: Week 2 - We have a new leader in the crazy clubhouse

So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head!  I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best.  And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves.  Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump.  OK, here we go:

• Robert - Was he even there?  His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much.  More on that later.
• Lacy - Went on a date, bought Marcus' crap about how he didn't think he'd find anyone here for him, but then he saw her face and now he's a believer. 
• AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy.  AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy.  Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini.  Who does that anymore?  Do girls still own overalls?  I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's.  Why would I think this?  Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:

• Graham -  He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself.  In other words, he's full of crap.  He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her. 
• Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare.  The end.
• Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch.  You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later).  It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family.  If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
• Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm.  It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
• Marquel - Oh, Marquel.  He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way.  During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group.  Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans.  Classy.  Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this: 
  

• Marcus -  Still a dick.  Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters.  The guy is a huge asshole. 
• Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO.  Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW.  Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons,"  surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
• Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise.  To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date.  Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments.  Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin.  Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert.  Best flame-out in a supporting role.  Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
• Clare -  Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name.  Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.)  Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean."  Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican.  Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish.  No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account! 
• Chris B. -  Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose.  Pretty boring actually.  So why is he second on the list?  Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon." 
• Elise - Where do we begin?  With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces?  As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much?  Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?"  Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is.  Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?"  Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!"  I mean...it was just incredible.  She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player.  She's the best.  Don't ever change Elise.

Bachelor: Week 3

Week 3 already....Sean's got some good ones (Kristy the model, AshLee the Organizer) and some bad ones (Taryn the insecure, Sarah the self conscious) and quite a few irrelevant ones.  After a day home with the kids, this seems like the perfect "adult" conclusion to the night.  Tonight it looks like we get some lengthy kissing, bikini volleyball, and neck injuries!!  Let's get it on!

Sean's still working out - is he  the first bachelor/ette in history to exercise?  He also says one week in that he's "really diggin' on a lot of women."  As it should be man....16 women keep telling you how amazing you are - you should be loving it.

Robyn really wants that date card.  She wants the date card to say "let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real."  This is a woman who called Tierra a "trashy ho" last week.  From now on Robyn's new nickname is "Pot" since she seems to like calling kettles black.  And no Robyn, if you're reading this, I chose that nickname because of the saying, not because you're black, though it makes it just about perfect.

Lesley gets the first one-on-one, and takes her to the Guiness Book of World Records Museum.  Kind of a weird place for a date, but turns out Sean's dad holds a world record for driving all of the 48 contiguous states in under 100 hours, which is just insane.  Now the date goes from weird to cool. Then it goes from cool to corny when Chris informs the couple that they'll be breaking the record for longest on screen kiss.  So she's going from getting shut  down trying to drunkenly kiss him in a wedding dress to being forced to kiss him in front of a hundred or so people on one of the scummiest streets in the country.  I stayed in a hotel just off Hollywood Boulevard a few months ago, and it was full of drugged out youths barefoot and singing as they strolled in and out of people in half assed celebrity costumes.  So romantic.

Chris introduces a very stuffy British dude who gives us the official rules while holding a copy of the current edition of the Guiness Book of World Records.  Is that like their bible?  Do you have to hold your right hand on it while you kiss?  Sheesh.  This kiss is not passionate at all.  It's like they're stuck to each other.  They're trying to make it passionate, Lesley playing with his hair, Sean playing with her butt.  Also, Lesley's dress is kinda short, and she has to raise her arms up to reach Sean, pulling it dangerously close to giving some dude in the front row a free show.  Sean says "Lesley's a great kisser," which is bullshit since she just smashed her face against his.  She did "work her hands," which makes her a great hand mover in my opinion.  Barack Obama's reaction to this kiss was a little different than his brother-in-law's:

Sorry, I had to work that in somehow.  I mean, look at Coach Robinson's face!!

Time for the rooftop dinner.  They're on top of the famous Roosevelt Hotel.  Sean toasts her by saying "here's to setting records with the only girl I want to set records with," which is complete crap and something he can't back up at all, but of course she likes it.  I'm a little confused as to why Lesley doesn't look at Sean while they're talking.  She's looking everywhere else.  I'm not sure the chemistry is really there. She admits that Sean makes her nervous, which she thinks probably is good, but when there's going to be five or six girls that aren't nervous to be around him, she might have her work cut out for her.  Sean, apparently not thinking like I am, says that he likes the fact that she's nervous.  He then says she made him nervous right out of the limo in her wedding dress.  She apologizes, and then Sean says he had to "take the power back."  He then challenges her to "take it back again," which of course is his way of saying 'you should kiss me right now."  She of course obliges, and then says "how is that for taking the power back?"  She's an idiot, because she still has no power.  He walked her right down the primrose path.  Taking the power back would've been to NOT kiss him.  In a shocking twist, ABC opts not for fireworks, but for confetti.  Budget smaller this year or what?

Meanwhile, back at the house the group date card has arrived.  Most of the major players are going, Sarah's left home to wonder if her missing hand has anything to do with her not getting a date card along with AshLee the Organizer.  AshLee says that she's glad she's not going on the group date because it sounds like it could be some sort of activity, and she'd prefer to do something romantic with him.  Translation:  I'm clumsy as hell.  Either that, or she can't handle the pressures that group dates can bring, and therefore is relieved that she won't end up a wallflower.

Beach time!  All the girls are frolicking in their bikini's, ogling Shirtless Sean.  Then Chris Harrison shows up, which prompts Kacie B to say "you know when Chris shows up, the fun's going to end for someone."  I wonder if his ex-wife just said "TRUE DAT, GIRLFRIEND!' as she bitterly poured herself another glass of wine.  Time for some beach volleyball - losing team has to ride the bus home.  We saw this bit with some baseball in Ben's season, where Blakely dominated, yet her team sucked and lost and she bitched out everyone in the dugout.  We won't have that issue here, because these girls are AWFUL.  Pretty much whoever gets it over the net is going to win.  One of the girls calls it the "biggest game of her life."  Yipes.  Blue team gets the win, sending Kristy the Model into tears.  She blames herself for the loss, then says something about letting the rest of her team down.  In the reject van, there's lots of tears in the reject van.  It got dark in a hurry there didn't it?  The sun was out when they got in the van, and they're still driving in the dark?  Man those girls must be pissed if ABC made them sit in the parking lot at the beach in their bikinis for a couple hours waiting for the sun to go down.  No wonder they're crying.

Back with the winners, Desiree is gloating that the other girls are probably back home crying in their beds...which they probably would be if ABC hadn't made the circle the parking lot for six hours.  Kristy is taking this extremely hard, talking about how exhausting it is to work for time with Sean.  Sean is the master of the compliment, telling one girl "I haven't seen this side of you yet," which sends her heart aflutter, then telling Desiree that she looked so beautiful in her "little bikini" and complimenting her "confidence."  Of course he left out the fact that the 11 other girls looked good in their bikini's as well.

AshLee gets her wish, getting the final one on one date, though Tierra plays a little joke and pretends Selma's name is on the date card too.  Brief panic shoots through the room, before Tierra laughs and says it's just a joke.  Girls hate it, mostly because they fell for it.  The mark of a quality prank is one that catches everyone off guard.  Points for Tierra, although from the previews it looks like Karma is going to shove her jokey ass down a flight of stairs.

Amanda, she of the cold shoulder to the girls and megawatt smile to Sean, gloats that she's killing it with Sean.  The women don't love it, and Kacie B. again takes it upon herself to inform Sean of the dynamics between the women.  Kacie, Kacie, Kacie.  You did this on Ben's season with regards to Courtney and that didn't work out for you at all.  Sean rightly calls her on this, and tells her to "be Kacie, not a crazy person."  Kacie suddenly thinks this plan isn't going to work and now she's freaking out.  I swear to God I wonder what the hell is wrong with her.  I constantly yell at people who go on this show, wondering why they don't do their research and learn from previous seasons.  Yet Kacie was ON THE SHOW and is making the same mistakes again.  I'm done with her.  She deserves to go back home to Tennessee alone.  Again.  Oh, and Lesley gets the rose for showing Sean "another side of her."  Everyone has another side, or a deeper side, or needs to let people in.  We get it.  I'm getting cranky.  Maybe I should've waited until tomorrow to watch this, instead of trying to get into it at 10:00 because the kids wouldn't go to sleep.

AshLee thinks this is the most perfect day and nothing will go wrong.  Cue Tierra tumbling down the stairs like Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her.  Sean walks in and says "she might have a concussion."  I'm about to wonder what prompted him to think that, when he divulges "I've had many concussions."  Well that explains a lot.  Tierra insists she's fine, yet six medical personnel are basically strapping her to a gurney.  AshLee thinks this is an intentional ploy by Tierra to get time with Sean.  Personally, I think she just fell down the stairs and took a few moments to gather herself.  I'm not an expert on EMT policy, but I think if she was seriously injured, or they suspected she was seriously injured, there's no freaking way they'd let her casually waltz out to the balcony to flirt with Sean.  So basically the neck brace was just for show.  Now did she create this drama herself?  I don't think she did it intentionally.  I think she slipped and fell down the stairs, then when everyone around her overreacted, she played along until it got way out of hand and she said "you know what?  Enough."  I honestly don't think she's smart enough to hatch a plot like that to derail AshLee's date.  At least not by herself.  ABC might've given her a little "push." AshLee is really pouting and whining about Tierra liking to play the victim.  She might get the nickname "Lil' Pot" for that outburst.  Stop whining, you're still going to get your time.  Apparently I'm still cranky, might be time for a Pepsi.

Sean, says "there's nobody else he'd rathe have on this date."  Obviously, since you picked her to go on the date, then tailored it to her.  Off to an amusement park, which seems way too fun for a personal organizer who doesn't seem like she appreciates chaos at all.  In another move that's sure to rankle her, he's invited some chronically ill girls.  The girls apparently have never met each other, but the lady from the chronically ill children's charity calls them "lifelong friends who have known each other online only  for a year."  Maybe next date they can bring along Manti Te'o and Lennay Kekua.  Had to go there.

AshLee actually seems to be handling the diverted attention on this date rather well, for someone who was pissed she had to share her morning with a girl who fell down the stairs.  She's moved to tears by their friendship.  Or is it the soulful music of the Eli Young Band?  Gotta love those private concerts.  We may never know.

After the sick girls go home, Sean says "we had the best day today!  Can you imagine a better day?" AshLee emphatically says "no," but Sean looks away and halfheartedly says "me neither!"  Way to sell it Sean.  He then asks AshLee what she sees her family looking like in the future and she says "I definitely want to have as many kids......as my husband and I decide."  I really wish I knew how she wanted to finish that sentence before she got worried she'd scare the shit out of Sean.  My best guesses:

.......as my uterus will allow.
.......as my husband can afford.
.......as the state will let me keep.
.......as the Duggers.

ok, moving on.  Turns out she was abused by a foster family.  "Isn't that crazy?" she quips.  I know that's the first thing I think about child abuse - it's just crazy man.  Rachel and I got a good laugh out of that one.  Fortunately she found a good adoptive family that love her, and she's developed into a beautiful, successful, crying mess.  As a professional organizer, she needs to get her emotions organized in a hurry, because she's stressing me out.  Good luck, Sean!

Rose ceremony time! Sean developed some strong relationships, which probably made the girls who didn't get time start to panic, but Sean says "his heart's still open."  Sean wants to make Sarah feel confident in her place with him, so he has a surprise for her.  A limo shows up, and Sarah starts gripping that he's sending her home, frantically saying "you can't do this to me!"  Don't worry, he's not sending you home, he's delivering your dog!  To reiterate, he brought a girl, one of sixteen he's currently dating, her dog in a limo.  My first thought was  that if she had  two hands her dog would still be at home.

Tierra's flirting with him, but Desiree jumps in.  Tierra's pissed off, claiming she wants to punch some walls.  So she steals him back, but Sean promises to come back to Des, who in turn vows to wait for him "right here."  The girls now smell the blood in the water, and they all start stealing Sean like he's second base and they're Rickey Henderson.  Poor Des is forgotten, sitting forlornly on a little bench.  Kacie B shows up in a dress that looks like she's got a match with Serena Williams at the Australian Open later...what is up with that neon green zipper?  She tries to smooth things out with Sean, but not one but TWO girls steal him away.  That is what we call a "double steal."  Mercifully, Chris Harrison shows up to set the circus down.  Let's find out who's going home already!

Sean can't let the drama die, he has to lead Kacie outside to finish their conversation.  He takes a rose with him, but then cruelly doesn't give it to her.  That was just mean, ABC.  She's done.  She handles it much better than she did the last time, so congrats to her.

Tierra, Lesley H., Katherine (who?), Daniella (who just looks mean to me), Robyn (aka Pot), Selma, Sarah, Jackie (again, who?), Two-Faced Amanda all get Roses.  Desiree, Model Kristy, and the Oregon girl are left.  Des gets it, again knocking out my favorite early on.  I feel this is a good thing, since it means I don't have very much at common with the bachelor at all.  I hope he didn't send her home because she sucked at volleyball.  But then again, she was historically bad.

Tune in next week, when Tierra equates a stint on The Bachelor to being locked up in Guantanamo Bay, or something like that.  Ugh.

The Journey begins again

Props to Alabama for putting Notre Dame down.  For you sports fans, I'd recommend reading this story about the rumor that Knute Rockne was killed by the mob.  I'd never heard that rumor, but found the article pretty interesting.

But we all know that's not why you're here, right?  Nope, you're here to hear what I have to stay about Mr. Sean Lowe - a guy who thought it was a good move to pretend he lived at home with his parents and left half eaten cookies all over his room - and his quest to find a girl.  Let's get to it!

We're not even through the intro, and I'm already bored with Sean.  There's no emotion in anything he says.  I have more enthusiasm in my voice when talking about the burger I just ate at First Burger than he does when telling a girl he likes her.  Thank goodness the girls are here to crazy this thing up.  Chris Harrison is up to his usual hyperbolic ways, saying that "no one deserves a second shot a love more than Sean."  What, because Emily didn't pick him?  You're right, he just barely missed out on being the third ex-fiance of Emily Maynard.  What a bummer. 

We get to see the recap of Sean's time with Emily.  It's a good time to remember Emily dumped him wearing a skirt that made her look like a mermaid and what looks like a $4 Hanes for Her gray tank top.  Back at his parents super awesome Dallas house (remember they built his niece an air conditioned play house?)  we get to see Sean chilling with his niece and nephew, and he looks like he's good with kids.  The four women in America who watch the show that aren't googly eyed over Sean have now converted.  Abs conquer all. 

I love that ABC sent Sean to the beach with a fake wedding in the background and optimistic music as Sean talks about how excited he is to find the love of his life.  Then....Arie shows up?  And he's trying to teach Sean how to kiss a girl?  I'm confused.  Remember those abs?  Sean's kissed a girl before Arie.  Maybe not as many as you, Mr. Race Car Driving son of a Rich Race Car Driver, but Sean's done alright I'm sure. 

Sean's cutting up some fruit (because he eats healthy ALL THE TIME America!) when Arie shows up.  Sean then talks about how Arie and him have been through "so much together."  They both got to go on a world tour and have a brief but passionate relationship with a super hottie.  Gee, must've been tough guys.  Arie uses his bad boy influence to convince Sean to forget the berries and crack a few beers.  Then we have the most contrived, awkward conversation ever between two men in recorded TV history.  Two self confident, attractive men, pretending to break up with each other and discussing how much tongue to use is just weird.  Up next is my favorite part of any season...the completely contrived, ABC influenced introductions!

First, Chris Harrison has to just blow everything out of proportion, talking about how "no one will ever forget" his break up with Emily, and "hopefully he'll become a father" as if his chance of procreating hinges on him marrying one of these 25 ladies. Let's meet 'em!

Desiree is a slight dorky, klutzy bridal planner.  I like her, but she seems like the kind of person who might have self esteem issues.  She'll cry later tonight.

Tierra(?) is a hot mess.  Her fake reaction to finding out that Sean was the bachelor was awful.  She has a little dog.  I do not like her, not one little bit.

Robyn is a big nerd who does handstands in her room and uses post it notes to learn Spanish.  She'll go home early. 

There's a hair stylist.  She has two kids.  I'll need to see more.

There's a girl named Sarah who seems pretty normal.  Not sure how she got on the show.....oh wait she's only got one arm. 

Another hair stylist with a cat and a 50 shades of grey fetish!  She'll go home tonight.  Sean does not seem like the guy who will humor her.

random girl, random girl, model who immediately has every guy watching the show drooling, and then girl with adoption issues.  I'm a little concerned about her well being on this show.  The other girls are going to eat her alive.  She also has a little dog.

Bring on the limos!

Sean and Chris exchange pleasantries - Chris tells Sean that 25 girls were here specifically because he was the bachelor, confirming that Tierra was full of shit when she squealed during that interview. They're not even trying to pretend anymore on this show. 

First girl out is named AshLee.  She does a fairly normal introduction.  She's lucky she wasn't wearing a nametag, because that capital L would probably get her a return trip in that limo.

Next girl out kisses him, and third girl just happens to have a tissue to wipe it off with. 

Some girl uses the term "Holy Toledo" and then calls him "Mr. McSteamy."  Eesh.

Handshake girl was cute, but that handshake was awful.

Cruise Ship girl needs to take more cruises to cloudy locations.  Her skin looks like she's takes naps in a RonCo food dehydrator.

50 Shades hops out....and she's going home.  Guaranteed.  The tie thing did not impress him.

There's a girl from Seattle that reminds me of Neela from ER.  She calls him a "hunk."  No chance.

Robyn the nerd goes for the handstand and......apparently she thought she was on another ABC show....Wipeout.  Nerds may rule the world, but they do not rule the driveway.

Paige!  From Bachelor Pad!  I loved her....I'm hoping she does well here.  She plays it pretty cool on the intro, and probably makes a good move by being up front with her Bachelor past immediately.  No reason to hide it.

Next comes Tierra, whose opening line is "I just wanted to show that I have a heart on my finger, and it's open."  I thought this was some weird metaphor, but nope, she has an actual tattoo of an open heart on her finger.  Sean then tells her to hold on.  If he gives her a goddamn rose, Sean will never be able to redeem himself in my eyes.  She's an absolute moron.  But Sean's giving her a rose.  He tells Chris he's "clicking with her."  HE HASN'T SAID A WORD!!!  He also says he's "hoping that giving her a rose doesn't create any tension."  So apparently he's a bigger moron than she is.

The girls are pissed.  50 Shades looks like she's going to use that tie for murder rather than fornication.  Back to the girls outside.

Amanda has huge teeth.  Not in a bad way, but holy smokes her teeth are big and white.  They're the Santa Claus beard of teeth.  Desiree goes with the pennies to make a wish in the well intro, and I like it.  I hope she doesn't melt down, because she's one of my favorites so far, along with Paige and the Model. 

Lesley breaks out the football, and it reminds me of this clip that I saw this morning.  Turns out she doesn't want to actually play, just look as his butt.  Probably smart, her girly throwing motion could've turned him off immediately. 

Model is from Wisconsin!  Another reason to like her.  Her confidence will take her far in this show.  After her is another model, who says "hi Ken, I'm Barbie."  I don't like this one.  Her voice sounds like something from a 976 hotline.  I don't like her. 

Some Italian girl thinks it's a good joke to threaten bodily harm is he breaks her heart.  Get it, she's Italian, her family does mob hits....Not a strong impression.

Bridal girl gets out and says "you may kiss the bride."  She's giggling the whole time, clearly embarrassed that she let ABC talk her into this.  I wonder if she knows that by agreeing to put on the dress she ended any chance she had of winning.  Perhaps she was in it for fame over love.  In which case, mission accomplished lady!

Mystery girl has arrived!  But first a commercial for the Miss America pageant.  Wasn't the Miss Universe pageant last week?  No time off on the girly girl circuit, I guess.

Kacie B is our mystery girl.  You may remember her from Ben's season....everyone loved her, but her super overprotective and religious family torpedoed her shot at love.  Commence the girls freaking out in 3,2,1.....

As I feared, Desiree is already panicking.  She doesn't think it's fair because Kacie had her shot at Ben, and why should she get a second shot.  So apparently if you've fallen in love before and had it not work out, then you're not allowed to try again with any other men.  I'm not looking forward to watching her self destruct, but it's going to happen.  Reminds me of Jamie and her awkward lap dance with Ben and subsequent meltdown on Bachelor Pad.

Kacie gets the first one on one time.  She's probably thankful that she won't be mentioned as Kacie B for the duration of the show.  She says that she didn't expect to be here.  Really?  You called the show and asked to come on.  Where did you think you were going to be?  She has a big leg up in that she's already hung out with Sean and they have a familiarity.

Desiree gets her time next, and it goes well enough that Sean hands out a rose.  He's like the Johnny Appleseed of roses!!!  Kacie rightfully wonders why she didn't get a rose.  My guess is that Sean knows there's no chance he's going to forget her name or over extend himself on roses before getting one to her.  Desiree is just one of 25 new faces, and not even the only one in a red dress.  Better to get her a rose now before you accidentally give one to another girl. 

The girls are blowing up over the extra roses.  "But we've never seen this happen before on the show!"  Remember this statement, because these same girls are going to freak out when he goes on dates with other girls and or they're on a group date, and at least one of them will say "I had no idea it would be this hard!"  You should have, because EVERY SEASON SOMEONE SAYS THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE.   Girls are freaking out about the roses...Model 2 says "obviously I don't have a rose - I'm empty handed" but it sure sounded to me like she said "empty headed." 

The bride is trashed.  She's trying to keep it together, but it's never a good idea to talk about your morals while completely drunk and attempting to kiss a guy while wearing a wedding dress.  Also, did Sean say somewhere in there that "just because he gives a rose to a girl, it doesn't mean anything?"  Why did he give out the roses then?  Just to mess with these poor girls heads?  Lots of mixed signals from this dude.

50 Shades decides to have a dance party to the music in her head.  Anastasia Steele would never drop it like it's hot - she's way out of character.  She apparently called her mom when Sean got dumped by Emily and said she'd marry him.  Now her mom calls him her son in law.  No clue why 50 shades starts dancing when she says this, but OK.  Being drunk sure does look like fun sometimes.  I mean, there's 26 people trying to keep it together under the pressure of the situation, and she's dancing like Elisabeth Shue in her bedroom.  Maybe she's trying for the "this girl's so crazy we need to keep her around for ratings" rose.  If so, she's definitely in the lead for that one. 

Taryn, who is from Oregon, is trying to play the "I'm too much of a lady to interrupt another girl for attention."  Basically saying "the guys come to me."  Well, there's only one guy here.  She declares herself a "hot mess."  At least she's self aware.

One armed girl is getting emotional and saying that guys see that she only has one arm and assume that there's going to be more emotional work.  Having one arm is a challenge that I can't imagine facing, but if you don't want people to think you're emotional, you can't act emotional.  Sean then gives her a rose, and suddenly he loves her and she's good enough for love and on and on and on.  A pessimist would say that he only gave her a rose BECAUSE she has one arm and is probably sensitive about that, so he threw her a bone - really, really awful pun intended.  I'm probably going to hell for that line, but there it is.  Look, if you don't want people to treat you differently based on some characteristic you have, stop drawing attention to it. 

Chris Harrison continues on his quest to overstate everything - saying Sean is "the most sincere" bachelor ever and "is here for one thing and one thing only."  The man could sell ice to Eskimos.  Time for the rose ceremony.  Kacie gets her rose, as I predicted.  Also as I predicted, 50 shades and model 2 go home.  Taryn the non interrupter gets a rose and puts herself in strong competition with Desiree for most insecure.  Desi didn't cry (that honor went to Taryn).  Paige again gets the boot way earlier than she deserved.  Sean's an idiot.  Cruise ship girl is already over Sean, she's worried about what the next guy she dates is going to think about her singing a song for Sean and then not getting a rose.  Model 2 says "the disappointment is there, but the devastation - I try not to let it sink in, but it does.  It hurts!"  Wow. 

A pretty entertaining first two hours!  50 Shades exit video was awesome.  Shame she lost the crazy girl rose to the Bride, because she was at least 50% crazier.  At least.