Spurred by people calling me "soft" and "LeBron-like" for quitting on the blog midseason, I'm back to blogging. Unfortunately, I'm back the week of the Women Tell All, which - well.....like every other "special" episode in the Bachelor universe - sucks. It's commercials on top of commercials on top of recycled material on top of six women yelling at each other at the same time. Oh, and Chris² head out to "crash" viewing parties. Just the biggest crap ever. There's absolutely no way these women decorate their house and put together tailgate worthy meals every week. I will buy that there are small groups that "woo!" and drink every time he kisses someone, but for the most part it looks like really drunk, probably desperate women willing to make fools of themselves on national television. I might tweet at them and invite Chris Harrison and the next bachelor/ette to come watch with me while I blog on my couch alone with a Pepsi and a blanket - that might be some pretty compelling television, as I say "dude, seriously? Do you think anyone aside from those super drunk ladies at the fake viewing parties is buying what you're selling us right now?
When Chris introduces the ladies, and I like how they put all the girls nobody remembers in the same quadrant where they aren't going to get in the camera shots of anyone we really want to hear from. Trina? Megan? Nikki? Samantha? All in a row together. We get some recaps of stuff that happen - some funny stuff, mostly all the mean things the girls said about each other so that they are primed to be super-bitchy to each other. Carley comes off looking the worst, which is funny, because during the show, all her comments seemed to make sense and was exactly what everyone else at home was thinking, but all spliced together at the same time, make her look super awful. Britt is crying, and it's hard to pay attention, because Samantha's super revealing shirt with bits of sheer material is pretty distracting.
Britt confronts Carley, which leads to every woman talking at the same time, to the point that Harrison has to pull Britt up to the "hot seat." I guess this was to rescue her, but it didn't really make it better. It turned into Britt yelling at Carley, Carley trying to explain herself, Britt interrupting her before she can ever get to her point (one of which was "if you read Chris' blog..." which just made me so sad for all these women who dated this guy and then have to log on to People.com to find out what he really thought about them after the episodes air) and then all the other women chiming in. Jillian calls Britt the most beautiful person inside and out, which I really saw no evidence of either way. Also, I figured out why Britt never showers - it's because she cries so much she is able to bathe in her own tears. Another hilarious moment occurs when Britt starts telling us how she has apparently devoted the better part of her life to the betterment of children. She's built ORPHANAGES! She coaches SOCCER! Her occupation is listed as "waitress."
Ashley Kardashian tries to explain how they heard Britt say she was in no rush to get married, and Britt jumps in to say that she needs to love herself as a single person before she let someone else love her or something like that, which really sounds like EXACTLY what Ashley just said, but for some reason the audience applauds her. Britt then claims that she'd still be on the show if it wasn't for Carley, which....what does that say about Farmer Chris? She then directly addresses Carley by saying "I don't want to say you were jealous" which means "you were so jealous of me." Britt loves playing a victim. Her entire argument is discredited by the scene where she cried because she was afraid of heights and then has absolutely no reservations or anything about getting into a hot air balloon, which is the most terrifying height related activity you can do in my opinion.
Back from commercial, and Britt is still crying. Or is she? Has anyone seen one tear? It looks like there might be some condensation under her eyes, or maybe it's just glitter. I can't tell. From a victim to a widow....bring on Kelsey! Side note, I listened to a half hour interview with Kelsey this afternoon, and she was every bit as arrogant in that as she came off on the show. She referred to herself in the third person and all that jazz. After Kelsey's little video recap, she doesn't wait for Chris to prompt her, she just rolls into her "I'm feeling betrayed...." and on and on. She then talks down to all the women, saying they didn't like her because she can be condescending and "use big words" as if the women all hate her because she uses the word condescending. She then says "I don't think I'm better than these women - how do you evaluate humanity?" She can say she doesn't think she's better than the other women, but she clearly thinks than she comports herself in a better manner than her. She's one of those people that has wine parties and makes sure to invite people from different ethnic backgrounds so that they can talk about how open minded and diverse they are and how the rest of the world is so close-minded. I imagine she has lots of conversations about gentrification and other "big picture" problems in the world without ever really doing anything to combat those issues. Chris Harrison finally realizes that he needs to actually earn his paycheck and shuts the women down from interjecting because he realizes this group is about one angry comment away from turning this into an episode of Jerry Springer.
The girls finally get their moment to attack, and Kelsey is way outgunned. She tries to hold herself to her own high standards, but she doesn't do much to combat the onslaught of verbal abuse. The real star of this show is Ashley Kardashian's reactions to everything Kelsey says. If she had been able to show this much variety and range of emotions with her face during the show, she might've been able to stay a little longer, but alas she only showed two faces - pouty face and tongue down Chris' throat face. Kelsey tries to explain her "my story is amazing" comment, but it's too late for her. Everyone's already made up their mind on her. A great moment comes when she tells Ashley that it was very hurtful for her to imply that her husband was a figment of her imagination. Jillian has appointed herself defender of everyone on the hot seat, and Britt, having just been eviscerated herself, says "you better be 100% sure before you say something like that, because it's really mean."
Up next is Mesa Verde Ashley! Her highlight reel might be the first one in the history of the franchise that I wasn't annoyed to have to watch. Ashley gives probably the most honest hot seat interview ever, talking about how bored she was, and how it's hard for her to not be silly when the cameras are on. She's like that friend every single one of us has that says something just to see how people react, only she's way better at it than anyone you know is. She knows exactly what's going on, but she's got everyone believing she has no grasp of reality whatsoever. Harrison begs her to come on Bachelor in Paradise, and her reaction is "it's so weird.....that we're on TV." True statement. She never gets to respond, but I'd be shocked if we don't see her down in Tulum or wherever they send the people this season. Other current season girls I'd like to see down there include Jade, Ashley Kardashian, and maybe Carley.
Jade gets her moment, and it's pretty much all about her having naked pictures taken of her at one point in her life. If she wants to do some nude modeling again, I'm pretty sure she's got a pretty good shot of making quite a bit of money off of that. She does say that Chris told her when she left that "it wasn't because of your nekkid pix" which means that "it was totally because you posed nude, you tramp."
Kaitlyn is up next, and why is she wearing a crop top? Also, she's got more makeup on than she ever wore during the show...she looks like Melanie Griffith or the Joker. I'm not liking this new look Kaity. She's still kind of sad, and I don't like sad Kaitlyn. Fun loving Kaitlyn is one of the best people to ever be on this show, but now we get cliché Kaitlyn, who talks about letting her guard down and being authentic and talking about how her being funny doesn't take away from who she is, whatever that means. I will say that it's pretty evident that she's not ashamed of anything that happened on the show, which is further evidenced by none of the other girls calling her out for anything. I think she had the easiest time on the hot seat despite being the one that came the closest out of any of girls there to actually getting married to Chris, and that's probably because she's not pretending to be anything other than who she really is and not holding back with any of her answers.
Finally, Prince Farming comes out, and we get crying Britt heading out to reenact her full length feature film length hug from the first episode with Chris. She then goes on to say that she understands why he would've believed Carley, at which point Chris tells her that she didn't go home because of what Carley said. Britt then says "Of course I don't think you're that small-minded." Just an hour ago she said that she believed that she went home because of Carley's comments. DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE HER? I'm actually shocked that the women all had the restraint not to call her out on this right on the spot. Incredible.
Caitlyn gets the chance to say her piece, and really the only thing that comes out of it is her asking Chris why he didn't extend the same courtesy to her the he showed Becca or Andi showed him and pull her aside and not make her stand through what is going to be a rough moment for her. A reasonable explanation, and his response of "I kind of played that one on the fly, which was not the best way to go about things" is equally reasonable. The civility everyone is showing each other would make Will McAvoy proud, but it makes for pretty boring TV.
Jade gets her chance to ask why he doesn't love her, and like Britt, she needs to be close to him to talk to him. Kaitlyn was able to have a conversation with him without running out to hug him, showing she's in a more stable emotional state than the rest of them. They then yap at each other for a while, and the only interesting moment is when Jade questions him on why he agreed to see the pictures when he said it was awkward, and that they could've saved looking at them for "some time special." Like the fantasy suite, perhaps?
Bloopers come up, and the animals are funnier than any of the people. A little creeped out that Whitney just lets her dog hump stuffed animals all the time and then says "that's what she does?" How do you get anything done when your dog is just openly humping stuff in front of you? I don't think I could sit there and eat my cereal and read the paper while my dog is staring at me and grinding on Buzz Lightyear, but she makes it seem like that's a normal day for her.
Ugh....three hour finale next week. Not looking forward to that at all. My guess is Whitney wins, because I think Kaitlyn went home only to add drama because she was the clear #2 over Becca but wasn't going to top Whitney.
Showing posts with label Women Tell All. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women Tell All. Show all posts
Monday, March 2, 2015
Monday, March 3, 2014
Bachelor Women Tell All: Bitches Unite!
Ok, so tonight's the night that everyone goes from pretending Juan Pablo is the greatest man to ever grace the planet to pretending that he's the most self centered, arrogant, soulless d-bag ever to put on pants. Let's just all agree that the only reason he's on TV is because he has a body most men couldn't get if they lived in a gym and speaks adorably broken English. OK? Moving on....
I see one guy in the crowd! It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap. OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago. Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....
Oh no.....
no.....
nonononononononono
Not Catherine and Sean. Let's talk about them having sex. Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long! Hahahahaha. Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon. Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon. Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S. How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy. Let's just all pretend that never happened.
Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets. Let's pretend this never happened either. I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.
Ok, now it's finally time to start the show. Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close. We've got quite a few people we barely remember. Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is. This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down. He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.
Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli. "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra." "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus? Your arguments are invalid Kelly.
A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show. Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things? Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler. The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals. Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.
Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean. Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming. Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this. That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo. Incredible.
Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain. We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember. They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.
Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis. It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions. Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street." Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down. Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.
Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not." Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird." The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect. Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.
There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.) Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo. My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away? Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away. For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot. Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.
Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite. She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity. To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?" I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.
The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again. She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be. So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this. Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation? Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space. At least I hope everyone does that. Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.
Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!" With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.
Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd. He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room. I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America. We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case. We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.
Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people. Juan Pablo points out that leaving a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)
In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue. I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality. Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now. Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers. Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done. Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them. We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.
And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!! It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest. His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready." Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?
Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations. Glad this season's going to be over soon. I can't take all the angst. I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.
I see one guy in the crowd! It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap. OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago. Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....
Oh no.....
no.....
nonononononononono
Not Catherine and Sean. Let's talk about them having sex. Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long! Hahahahaha. Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon. Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon. Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S. How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy. Let's just all pretend that never happened.
Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets. Let's pretend this never happened either. I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.
Ok, now it's finally time to start the show. Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close. We've got quite a few people we barely remember. Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is. This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down. He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.
Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli. "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra." "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus? Your arguments are invalid Kelly.
A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show. Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things? Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler. The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals. Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.
Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean. Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming. Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this. That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo. Incredible.
Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain. We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember. They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.
Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis. It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions. Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street." Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down. Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.
Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not." Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird." The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect. Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.
There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.) Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo. My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away? Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away. For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot. Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.
Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite. She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity. To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?" I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.
The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again. She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be. So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this. Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation? Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space. At least I hope everyone does that. Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.
Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!" With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.
Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd. He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room. I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America. We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case. We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.
Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people. Juan Pablo points out that leaving a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)
In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue. I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality. Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now. Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers. Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done. Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them. We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.
And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!! It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest. His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready." Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?
Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations. Glad this season's going to be over soon. I can't take all the angst. I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Bachelor: (Some) Women Tell All
Forgive me for the late post, but I just don't have it in me to live blog these "specials". They're just too boring and I end up surfing the web for something else while watching them. There weren't many memorable moments from last night, but let's touch on them:
Fast forward a few years and now I'm in college. I'm hanging out with this girl that I'm attracted to but not sure that I'm interested in having a relationship with. I end up getting some very bad advice from a friend who tells me that this girl doesn't want a serious relationship, she's totally looking for a friends with benefits situation. Because that's what I want to hear, I totally believe it, even though no two people in the history of the world have ever only wanted a friends with benefits situation at the same time. We end up going on a few dates and having a few heavy petting sessions, but it becomes clear to me that we don't want the same things out of this relationship. So I try to break it off, but again, hormones get the better of me and I end up saying "so I think we should just stay friends, but I'm totally OK with still hooking up every now and then." THEN I TRIED TO KISS HER.
My point is, GUYS SAY DUMB STUFF AROUND PRETTY WOMEN. It's not intentional. We're not doing it out of malice. Girls make it hard for us to think straight, not that we do a whole lot of thinking in the first place. So I'm betting that Sean (a rumored virgin) is really enjoying his alone time with AshLee, an attractive and super intense woman. She starts saying things, he starts saying things, and before he knows it, he's said something like "let's not talk about the other women, they're not important to me right now" or something along those lines. That's what he SAID. What AshLee heard was "Those other girls have never meant anything to me ever and I'm going to propose to you next week." What Sean probably meant was "keep doing that thing with your tongue and stop talking about other girls."
It's OK Sean, we've all been there before.
- Why are all the women there? Half of them didn't say anything (I'm looking at you, 50 Shades, in particular.) Lesley, Robyn, and Selma offered up little tiny comments about Tierra, but other than that this show was about four women: Tierra, Sarah, Des, and AshLee.
- Tierra was clearly the perceived main event going into this dumpster fire of a show, but she really underwhelmed. She didn't freak out and the girls were politely mean, using their super mega bitch looks instead of words to cut her down. Harrison gave her credit for facing the mob, but I had no doubt she'd be there. She loved the spotlight way too much to pass up a chance to wear a dress with a strange hole in it right around her sternum on national television. She did dabble a little in crazy talk, mentioning how she "brings a light into every room" she walks into, but other than that, I think America was pretty disappointed. She did mention that she was Little Miss Nevada as a child, in response to which all of America leaned back in their chairs, lifted their hands towards the sky and said "OF COURSE SHE WAS!!"
- One more Tierra note - It seemed like the girls were angling for an apology from her for her actions, but once Tierra did apologize (saying she apologized for handling the whole situation in a "bad way") the women rolled their eyes and shrugged their shoulders as if to say "whatever, ho-bag, we don't believe you." I made a comment about this to my wife, who responded "that's just what girls do." Good to know that apologies are about as valuable as a Canadian penny to the female gender.
- Sarah got up there to talk about how she's always getting dumped, and the reason must be her missing arm, because she's funny and pretty and smart. OH MY GOD JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. You know who else is always getting dumped? Every person who isn't currently in a relationship. Two handed people get dumped all the time too Sarah. The live audience of course cheers wildly when she listed off her positive qualities, further reinforcing her misguided belief that her missing hand is holding her back (bad pun absolutely intended). Furthermore, when you break up with someone, isn't the reason always "some thing's missing?" I have a hard time believing anyone enters a relationship saying "this is totally not going to work out in the long run." So, unless Sarah has a habit of dating complete sleazeballs (which, if she's as smart as she begged the audience to tell her she is, doesn't seem likely), every guy started dating her with the intention of seeing it through. And you know what? Every single guy knew from the moment they saw her that she only had one arm. So what, six months later, every guy just freaks out and says "I can't do this, your missing limb is just too much for me to take?" No freaking way. Relationships may start based on appearances, but the end based on personalities. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and constantly looking to other people to make you feel good and she'll be fine.
- So then Sarah "hands-off" the hot seat to Des and.....well we didn't learn anything here. Des is cute, Sean smiles every time he thinks about her, her brother certainly didn't help the situation. I get why they had her on, but there wasn't really a need to. Everyone's clearly OK emotionally and has moved on already.\
- Now we get to AshLee, and hoo boy is she pissed. She claims she's not, but she's clearly got an axe to grind. She blindsides Sean with her accusation that he told her that the other two girls (Catherine and Lindsey) mean nothing to him. Sean, of course, denies this. Obviously one of them is lying, but even if AshLee is telling the truth, there's no way she can claim she's not upset or angry anymore. Say she is telling the truth - burning Sean down like that on national television is clearly the act of an angry, spiteful woman who has now transferred all of her abandonment issues from being placed in foster care on to Sean. She had to know that whichever girl Sean ended up with was going to see that, and there's no way Sean wouldn't have to explain himself to her. It was a bitch move pure and simple. And I think I know what happened in that fantasy suite. I'll get to it in a second, but first let me provide a few stories to illustrate my point:
Fast forward a few years and now I'm in college. I'm hanging out with this girl that I'm attracted to but not sure that I'm interested in having a relationship with. I end up getting some very bad advice from a friend who tells me that this girl doesn't want a serious relationship, she's totally looking for a friends with benefits situation. Because that's what I want to hear, I totally believe it, even though no two people in the history of the world have ever only wanted a friends with benefits situation at the same time. We end up going on a few dates and having a few heavy petting sessions, but it becomes clear to me that we don't want the same things out of this relationship. So I try to break it off, but again, hormones get the better of me and I end up saying "so I think we should just stay friends, but I'm totally OK with still hooking up every now and then." THEN I TRIED TO KISS HER.
My point is, GUYS SAY DUMB STUFF AROUND PRETTY WOMEN. It's not intentional. We're not doing it out of malice. Girls make it hard for us to think straight, not that we do a whole lot of thinking in the first place. So I'm betting that Sean (a rumored virgin) is really enjoying his alone time with AshLee, an attractive and super intense woman. She starts saying things, he starts saying things, and before he knows it, he's said something like "let's not talk about the other women, they're not important to me right now" or something along those lines. That's what he SAID. What AshLee heard was "Those other girls have never meant anything to me ever and I'm going to propose to you next week." What Sean probably meant was "keep doing that thing with your tongue and stop talking about other girls."
It's OK Sean, we've all been there before.
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