Spurred by people calling me "soft" and "LeBron-like" for quitting on the blog midseason, I'm back to blogging. Unfortunately, I'm back the week of the Women Tell All, which - well.....like every other "special" episode in the Bachelor universe - sucks. It's commercials on top of commercials on top of recycled material on top of six women yelling at each other at the same time. Oh, and Chris² head out to "crash" viewing parties. Just the biggest crap ever. There's absolutely no way these women decorate their house and put together tailgate worthy meals every week. I will buy that there are small groups that "woo!" and drink every time he kisses someone, but for the most part it looks like really drunk, probably desperate women willing to make fools of themselves on national television. I might tweet at them and invite Chris Harrison and the next bachelor/ette to come watch with me while I blog on my couch alone with a Pepsi and a blanket - that might be some pretty compelling television, as I say "dude, seriously? Do you think anyone aside from those super drunk ladies at the fake viewing parties is buying what you're selling us right now?
When Chris introduces the ladies, and I like how they put all the girls nobody remembers in the same quadrant where they aren't going to get in the camera shots of anyone we really want to hear from. Trina? Megan? Nikki? Samantha? All in a row together. We get some recaps of stuff that happen - some funny stuff, mostly all the mean things the girls said about each other so that they are primed to be super-bitchy to each other. Carley comes off looking the worst, which is funny, because during the show, all her comments seemed to make sense and was exactly what everyone else at home was thinking, but all spliced together at the same time, make her look super awful. Britt is crying, and it's hard to pay attention, because Samantha's super revealing shirt with bits of sheer material is pretty distracting.
Britt confronts Carley, which leads to every woman talking at the same time, to the point that Harrison has to pull Britt up to the "hot seat." I guess this was to rescue her, but it didn't really make it better. It turned into Britt yelling at Carley, Carley trying to explain herself, Britt interrupting her before she can ever get to her point (one of which was "if you read Chris' blog..." which just made me so sad for all these women who dated this guy and then have to log on to People.com to find out what he really thought about them after the episodes air) and then all the other women chiming in. Jillian calls Britt the most beautiful person inside and out, which I really saw no evidence of either way. Also, I figured out why Britt never showers - it's because she cries so much she is able to bathe in her own tears. Another hilarious moment occurs when Britt starts telling us how she has apparently devoted the better part of her life to the betterment of children. She's built ORPHANAGES! She coaches SOCCER! Her occupation is listed as "waitress."
Ashley Kardashian tries to explain how they heard Britt say she was in no rush to get married, and Britt jumps in to say that she needs to love herself as a single person before she let someone else love her or something like that, which really sounds like EXACTLY what Ashley just said, but for some reason the audience applauds her. Britt then claims that she'd still be on the show if it wasn't for Carley, which....what does that say about Farmer Chris? She then directly addresses Carley by saying "I don't want to say you were jealous" which means "you were so jealous of me." Britt loves playing a victim. Her entire argument is discredited by the scene where she cried because she was afraid of heights and then has absolutely no reservations or anything about getting into a hot air balloon, which is the most terrifying height related activity you can do in my opinion.
Back from commercial, and Britt is still crying. Or is she? Has anyone seen one tear? It looks like there might be some condensation under her eyes, or maybe it's just glitter. I can't tell. From a victim to a widow....bring on Kelsey! Side note, I listened to a half hour interview with Kelsey this afternoon, and she was every bit as arrogant in that as she came off on the show. She referred to herself in the third person and all that jazz. After Kelsey's little video recap, she doesn't wait for Chris to prompt her, she just rolls into her "I'm feeling betrayed...." and on and on. She then talks down to all the women, saying they didn't like her because she can be condescending and "use big words" as if the women all hate her because she uses the word condescending. She then says "I don't think I'm better than these women - how do you evaluate humanity?" She can say she doesn't think she's better than the other women, but she clearly thinks than she comports herself in a better manner than her. She's one of those people that has wine parties and makes sure to invite people from different ethnic backgrounds so that they can talk about how open minded and diverse they are and how the rest of the world is so close-minded. I imagine she has lots of conversations about gentrification and other "big picture" problems in the world without ever really doing anything to combat those issues. Chris Harrison finally realizes that he needs to actually earn his paycheck and shuts the women down from interjecting because he realizes this group is about one angry comment away from turning this into an episode of Jerry Springer.
The girls finally get their moment to attack, and Kelsey is way outgunned. She tries to hold herself to her own high standards, but she doesn't do much to combat the onslaught of verbal abuse. The real star of this show is Ashley Kardashian's reactions to everything Kelsey says. If she had been able to show this much variety and range of emotions with her face during the show, she might've been able to stay a little longer, but alas she only showed two faces - pouty face and tongue down Chris' throat face. Kelsey tries to explain her "my story is amazing" comment, but it's too late for her. Everyone's already made up their mind on her. A great moment comes when she tells Ashley that it was very hurtful for her to imply that her husband was a figment of her imagination. Jillian has appointed herself defender of everyone on the hot seat, and Britt, having just been eviscerated herself, says "you better be 100% sure before you say something like that, because it's really mean."
Up next is Mesa Verde Ashley! Her highlight reel might be the first one in the history of the franchise that I wasn't annoyed to have to watch. Ashley gives probably the most honest hot seat interview ever, talking about how bored she was, and how it's hard for her to not be silly when the cameras are on. She's like that friend every single one of us has that says something just to see how people react, only she's way better at it than anyone you know is. She knows exactly what's going on, but she's got everyone believing she has no grasp of reality whatsoever. Harrison begs her to come on Bachelor in Paradise, and her reaction is "it's so weird.....that we're on TV." True statement. She never gets to respond, but I'd be shocked if we don't see her down in Tulum or wherever they send the people this season. Other current season girls I'd like to see down there include Jade, Ashley Kardashian, and maybe Carley.
Jade gets her moment, and it's pretty much all about her having naked pictures taken of her at one point in her life. If she wants to do some nude modeling again, I'm pretty sure she's got a pretty good shot of making quite a bit of money off of that. She does say that Chris told her when she left that "it wasn't because of your nekkid pix" which means that "it was totally because you posed nude, you tramp."
Kaitlyn is up next, and why is she wearing a crop top? Also, she's got more makeup on than she ever wore during the show...she looks like Melanie Griffith or the Joker. I'm not liking this new look Kaity. She's still kind of sad, and I don't like sad Kaitlyn. Fun loving Kaitlyn is one of the best people to ever be on this show, but now we get cliché Kaitlyn, who talks about letting her guard down and being authentic and talking about how her being funny doesn't take away from who she is, whatever that means. I will say that it's pretty evident that she's not ashamed of anything that happened on the show, which is further evidenced by none of the other girls calling her out for anything. I think she had the easiest time on the hot seat despite being the one that came the closest out of any of girls there to actually getting married to Chris, and that's probably because she's not pretending to be anything other than who she really is and not holding back with any of her answers.
Finally, Prince Farming comes out, and we get crying Britt heading out to reenact her full length feature film length hug from the first episode with Chris. She then goes on to say that she understands why he would've believed Carley, at which point Chris tells her that she didn't go home because of what Carley said. Britt then says "Of course I don't think you're that small-minded." Just an hour ago she said that she believed that she went home because of Carley's comments. DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE HER? I'm actually shocked that the women all had the restraint not to call her out on this right on the spot. Incredible.
Caitlyn gets the chance to say her piece, and really the only thing that comes out of it is her asking Chris why he didn't extend the same courtesy to her the he showed Becca or Andi showed him and pull her aside and not make her stand through what is going to be a rough moment for her. A reasonable explanation, and his response of "I kind of played that one on the fly, which was not the best way to go about things" is equally reasonable. The civility everyone is showing each other would make Will McAvoy proud, but it makes for pretty boring TV.
Jade gets her chance to ask why he doesn't love her, and like Britt, she needs to be close to him to talk to him. Kaitlyn was able to have a conversation with him without running out to hug him, showing she's in a more stable emotional state than the rest of them. They then yap at each other for a while, and the only interesting moment is when Jade questions him on why he agreed to see the pictures when he said it was awkward, and that they could've saved looking at them for "some time special." Like the fantasy suite, perhaps?
Bloopers come up, and the animals are funnier than any of the people. A little creeped out that Whitney just lets her dog hump stuffed animals all the time and then says "that's what she does?" How do you get anything done when your dog is just openly humping stuff in front of you? I don't think I could sit there and eat my cereal and read the paper while my dog is staring at me and grinding on Buzz Lightyear, but she makes it seem like that's a normal day for her.
Ugh....three hour finale next week. Not looking forward to that at all. My guess is Whitney wins, because I think Kaitlyn went home only to add drama because she was the clear #2 over Becca but wasn't going to top Whitney.
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