Circumstances being what they are, I had to delay watching all three episodes of the Bachelorette until today (Tuesday, May 26th). I'd never recommend binge watching this show. I'm about to claw my eyes out, but I don't want to end up in this situation ever again, so I'm powering through my fourth hour of this show tonight. Thank god for DVR and skipped commercials, or I'd never make it. As a result, there are far less in depth observations or links/.gifs included in the blog, but I intend to start beefing up the content again next week, so thanks for sticking with me.
Kaitlyn's ready to go, and tells us about forty bazillion times that she's REALLY excited to be the Bachelorette. She has a talk with Harrison where she basically says "you know what? When Soules kissed a girl on the first night, we were all shocked, but I get it now. I'm gonna really whore it up from here on." The guys are starting off the day with mimosas and bloody mary's, so this will probably go well.
Now we smash cut straight to Britt, who's probably glad that one dude gave her the Kleenex about now, amirite? She's crying and telling her mom the guys didn't love her, but fear not, because AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, Brady is right outside her hotel room door! A strong move by him, that may just work out better than a normal Bachelor/ette romance because they're on their own, pretty much off camera and they don't have to hide their relationship at all from the public. I could see them working out, because Brady will tell Britt all the things she wants/needs to hear, and Britt just needs someone to tell her how pretty she is on the inside and out.
Group date time, and the guys are getting to punch the crap out of each other with Laila Ali! How many times do you think these guys talk about how much they love her dad? And how many of them actually have seen her dad fight? I'll be honest, I've never watched a Muhammad Ali fight. I saw the movie with Will Smith, and I've seen a few highlights, but come on. Kupah immediately says she's a big deal because of her dad, not because of her own boxing career.
Some of these guys have some decent punches and look decent, others look like I can imagine I would in a ring. Corey talks about how good Kaitlyn is at jumping rope, and then they show her jumping like a person who has maybe jumped six times in their life. She's barely better than a toddler, but at least she can get both feet off the ground at the same time. (I love watching toddlers try to learn to jump.)
Kaitlyn is concerned that Kupah is not really into her. He's probably not. He's probably more into impressing Laila Ali in some crazy fantasy scenario he's concocted where Laila is so impressed with his determination and devotion to boxing that she invites him to meet her dad. Good luck Kupah, but my guess is the first thing Muhammad Ali would say to you is "what kind of freaking name is Kupah? Has Mario hit you with a banana peel out in MooMoo Meadows lately?"
Time for the boxing "matches" and why are they fighting in a run down industrial district? And where did all these people come from? Did they bus these people in from the suburbs? The first match is Ben Z. vs. Daniel, which looks kind of like a cocky twelve year old challenging his dad. It didn't work out so well for the smaller Daniel. In his defense, he was giving up 30 lbs. Kupah wins his match because he's still trying to meet Muhammad Ali. It doesn't go so well for him in the second round though, as Jared knocked him down. Kupah seems to be taking it in stride, classically talking about how hard the final is going to be for Jared - what with him having to just go through two "excruciatingly tough" battles. He just patted himself on the back for getting knocked down! Way to go Kupah, you're the best.
Turns out he was right though, as Ben Z. lands a pretty vicious punch to Jared's face, ringing his bell and knocking him down. Hilariously, the crowd shows it has no knowledge of the effects of a concussion, which can include sensitivity to sound, by chanting "JARED, JARED, JARED" as if the sheer volume of their voices can counteract the blunt force trauma his brain just took. Jared too shows a lack of understanding of the situation, as he tries to brush off the paramedic. "I'm fine, I just got PUNCHED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD," he says. The paramedic is having none of it and sends him off to the hospital.
Ben Z. feels bad about sending a dude to a hospital, but then says "here's something: My mom fell down the stairs, broke her back, then they found cancer and she died." Oops. Forgot Ben Z. (which, when Kaitlyn says his name sounds like "Bensie") was the guy who was still dealing with the passing of his mom from a decade ago.
While Daniel is having a chat with Kaitlyn, a note is delivered to her, and she makes a huge deal out of it by not talking about it and being all cryptic and dismissing him. Turns out it's just Jared who explains that "he got hit in the bridge of the nose" which is the exact opposite of where he thought he got hit a few hours ago. Despite the doctor's prescribing rest for him, he goes for a walk with Kaitlyn and gives her a kiss. Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot," to be kissed by a concussed dude wearing a red shirt, yellow boxing shorts, and black converse high tops on a dirty Hollywood street. Given that he's still in boxing attire, he probably hadn't showered. I get that "sweaty boxing guy" might be kind of sexy to some girls, but "concussed guy who is no longer sweaty but still wearing stinky clothes" is probably not part of that fantasy.
Bensie gets the rose, and a big kiss (go figure). Kaitlyn is here to PARTY.
Now time for the one on one date, and it's Clint the drawer of triceratops. Their date is an underwater photo shoot, which seems a little weird, which gets weirder when Gisele greets them and tells them she's a conceptual underwater photographer. I think underwater photographer would have sufficed. Turns out that "spontaneous underwater jump" that I thought I saw in the "scenes upcoming" thing wasn't spontaneous at all. Makes more sense now.
What doesn't make sense is underwater photography. Gisele makes them go through breathing exercises that involve feeling your partner's breathing, and - bonus for Clint - Clint gets to second base by placing his hand right on her boob. They pile into the water, and the pictures are absurd, as Kaitlyn can't stop blowing bubbles out of her nose, so there's this annoying trail of bubbles in every shot, that I'm sure Gisele wasn't conceptualizing. Also, apparently conceptual underwater photographers don't wear wetsuits or other approved water wear - they just go in wearing regular clothes, fingerless biker gloves and scuba masks. Basically she grabbed the most annoying props from a wedding photo booth. At dinner, Kaitlyn tells Clint that she "knew she could bring out his funny side" which I tried to do once in college with a girl and is way harder than you think. Turns out some people don't have a funny side. Clint gets his rose.
Back at the house, the second group date is announced, and Tony is shocked she actually noticed him enough to bring him on a group date. Tony is the worst. Well JJ is the worst - he just wants to make fun of every other guy in the house and act like he belongs on Mount Olympus or something - but Tony is a close second. He's going on about openness and mixing up the girls' names, calling Kaitlyn Britt, and just basically saying whatever cliche about love and spiritualism pops into his head.
(Note - due to my DVR segmenting the episode into two separate lines in my menu, I accidentally watched the second hour first, which you will see really confuses me when we get to the rose ceremony.)
We're not wasting any time tonight, as Amy Schumer is kicking off this episode with a "do you know how lucky you are? You could be driving a tractor right now!" joke. Good stuff. The guys are excited about the stand-up, which of course means they're going to be terrible. if their initial jokes are any indication, we're in for some bad stand-up. Amy trots out three female comedians I've never heard of, but they're funny as they openly mock the guys. Amy just lays out JJ saying he is a great guy, just missing "charisma, humility and a sense of humor." JJ belabors his point by telling Amy he feels "he's smarter than 90% of the audience 90% of the time." Amy deadpans "I hope it comforts you to know you're not smarter than anyone here." JJ responds with "just a second" and continues to write his horrible jokes down on a notepad. What kind of idiot doesn't take advice from one of the best comedians in the world right now? Amy wins the night by saying "hopefully JJ looks back on the show and stops being such a turd." We need to refer to more people as turds. It's a great word!
Time for the guys to embarrass themselves. Surprisingly, the first few aren't bad, and Dentist Chris does a great job playing the super nervous guy routine to a T. Healer Tony goes into a monologue about how blessed he is for the opportunity and then he just rambles. This sets up JJ who only gets to tell one joke that gets aired. That just really sucks. I want to know if he was terrible, or he was able to channel his arrogance into some funny stuff. Damn you ABC! Can you watch full stand-up routines online?
I was worried about Idaho Welder Josh as being too much like Chris Soules, but I actually kinda like the guy. He seems like an actual person. A dumb actual person, but still an actual person. Unlike sensitive Tony who can't stop talking in cliches and existential thoughts. JJ can't stop being a condescending douche who thinks he's hilarious. JJ is awful. Back at the house, the guys are playing a prank on Justin, knocking on the walls and sending him out to find out what's on the date card.
JJ continues his douchebaggery, going on and on about how much he misses his daughter who is growing up too fast and all this, and then tells Kaitlyn that there's no other place he'd rather be and makes out with her. JJ thinks this kiss puts him in the lead, even willing to put $50K on his getting a rose. Not to be outdone, Kentucky Joe decides to kiss first and ask questions later. The first thing he says is "Well I'll be!" Then Kaitlyn says "theres's something about that I like and I'm not sure what it is." I don't think this is a good thing for Joe. She basically said "you're dumb and I don't see a future with you, but I like kissing you, so you can stay for now." JJ cashes in his bet and gets the rose, after Kaitlyn says "I like the sensitive dad thing you're portraying. Keep playing that angle, because I like it." Naturally, the tease as we go to break shows JJ doing the exact opposite. All he had to do was keep talking about how his daughter is his princess and that nothing will ever take her place in his heart, and he can't do it.
Somehow we're at the rose ceremony already, and I'm wondering if I somehow missed the one-on-one date(s). Did my DVR screw this up? Whatever, I'm not complaining. JJ breaks some sort of verbal agreement the bros all made that they would let the guys who didn't have the dates go first at the cocktail party. He basically rubs it in all the guys faces, telling them "I had to remind her what husband material looks like." Ian goes right into his "I was hit by a car, but now I'm here" story. Kaitlyn is very impressed that he didn't die apparently, and gives him a big kiss for not letting that car murder him. JJ continues to aggressively antagonize the guys leading to one of them saying "Villains gotta vill" which just supplanted Amy Schumer's "turd" line and my favorite quote of the night.
Kupah is really frustrated with his lack of roses, and feels like he may only be here because he's a minority and fills a quota. Way to distance yourself from any responsibility in your own exit, which seems more and more likely to be tonight. He sits down to beg for Kaitlyn to validate him being there. When Kaitlyn tells him she didn't think he noticed her, he acts shocked. Kaitlyn kinda needles him about paying more attention to Laila than her, and he kinda says "well she's a big deal!" which isn't going to help him out at all. He then lays out his quota scenario to Kaitlyn, who doesn't want to hear that she's keeping around for affirmative action. Kupah, whose name autocorrects to Kaput when I type, is just about kaput here, as he says when I was watching last season, he thought she was a real person. When Kaitlyn asks if he still thinks that, he kinda stumbles over his words and starts saying something about how hot she is. Kaitlyn is not impressed.
Kaput then lays out the situation to the guys, and Kaitlyn can overhear the whole thing. She's not happy at all, and gives him the ol' heave ho. Kupah isn't happy, and says "I don't want to go home. I think you're hot." Whoops. Kaitlyn says "there's more to me than that," and he replies with "yeah, and I like that stuff too!" There will be no last minute stay of execution here.
Kupah then goes after some poor production assistant, saying "you're process probably works for Jared and Cupcake, but it doesn't work for me. He then starts approaching the camera in a menacing fashion, and Kaitlyn apparently decides she needs to defend the cameraman. What is she going to do? Why does she need to do anything? Where's that big bouncer looking dude that escorted Drunk Ryan out of the building last week?
Anyways, we end on a "To be continued......." and that'll probably be less dramatic than we all want it to be. I will say that despite there only being a few guys that seem to have any realistic shot of winning (Ben Z., Shawn, maybe the dentist) this season is working so far because of Kaitlyn's humor and horniness. Also, I'm never going to try to work in five hours of Bachelorette in two nights again. That was just too much. It is not a binge-worthy show.
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