Grant, I'm sorry.
Ok, back to the blog
Despite the fact that the show is seemingly getting more popular with time, they nevertheless decide to mess with the format, bringing back not one but TWO girls from last season - Britt and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is probably best remembered for telling Farmer Chris he could "plow the f*ck" out of her field on the first night. Britt is probably best remembered for crying a lot and not taking showers. My memory of Britt is her literally crying when she found out she was going on a hot air ballon date because she was "deathly afraid" of heights, then having "the best time ever" on that date. With the guys getting to vote one of these "ladies" off of Bachelorette Island, I have to wonder if the guys will remember how insane Britt is, or if they'll be brainwashed by
Chris is here, and he hits the ground running, giving us the standard "most talked about, controversial season" line. I gotta ask who truly views this show as controversial? Also, who's talking about it? Even though I didn't watch this episode for almost a week after it aired, I had surprising little trouble avoiding learning the outcome.
I love the shots of the limo caravan bringing these girls to the mansion. But now we get to the good stuff. Let's met the "men."
Up first is Jonathan, who is an automotive spokesman. Does this mean he is the Lorax of cars? He's a minority and a dad. Prime candidate for getting the "you are so great, but you need to be back with your kid because it'll get even harder if I don't let you go now" speech in week three.
Up next is a lonely farmer from Kentucky. Basically Chris Soules with an accent. I didn't even catch his name.
Firefighter Josh is the third guy up and OH MY GOD HE'S NOT A FIREFIGHTER!
Brady the singer/songwriter from Nashville annoys the hell out of me. He seems like the kind of guy who believes that real life should be like the song lyrics he writes. Also he looks like Macklemore, which is killing me.
Some welder from smalltown Idaho won't be around very long I don't think. These girls aren't going to want a guy that reminds them of the #soulestrain they almost rode to Tinyville, Iowa.
Ian is our first sob story of the year, having been "left for dead" after being hit by a car. Despite being told by doctors he'd never run again, surprise! He's chiseled like a Greek God.
Up next is some guy with dumb hair and an even worse shirt who asks his dog what shirt he should pack. NEXT.
Tony the yoga dude seems like he's probably been told that he's going to the be weird sensitive guy and to really play up that angle. Claims he's been "training for this" my whole life.
Personal trainer dude lost his mom twelve years ago, but still stares longingly at picture of her. Hilariously, as he's flipping through pictures, he flips past one of him and his mom in a hospital bed to one of him with some dude at dinner that was obviously taken many years after she had passed away. Who vetted that? And why are those two pictures even anywhere near each other? Even if the dude keeps all his pictures in a shoebox, those pictures probably should've been in different shoeboxes.
Here come the girls, Kaitlyn in the black sparkly dress and Britt in the more innocent looking white dress. Britt's dress actually looks like something at 15 year old would wear to prom.
I like the idea of the guys meeting both of them at the same time.....who do they approach first? Do they have to have two pickup lines?
Guy one goes handshake with Kaitlyn, so naturally Britt gives him a hug. It's on early! The Lorax is next out of the gates, and he makes no bones about his affection for Britt. Britt's digging him too.
In fact, quite a few of the guys seem to be digging on Britt. I'm guessing none of them watched the show last season. Either that, or they're conveniently editing out all of the conversations with Kaitlyn. The way this is setting up, Kaitlyn is going to kill it at the party, and the guys will vote her in (by one vote of course). The worst pick up line goes to the dude who says "hey Disney princess," narrowly edging out the dude who is wearing a headband and a tennis racket, who must have been so lame they edited out everything he said. Also, stripper firefighter sticks to his strengths and keeps his mouth shut and takes his clothes off. JJ tells Kaitlyn that he'd love to "puck" her. Somewhat funny. Some dude said his dad taught him to give a woman a tissue when she cries, and he knows how much Britt cried last season, so "just in case" he hands her a travel pack of Kleenex. Might be the most tone deaf gift ever.
Kaitlyn says that she didn't picture the "start of falling in love" being like this. Oh you didn't picture standing outside of a house with another woman as multiple guys hop out of a limo and size you both up? This whole thing is pretty awkward...can we get to the drinking and over the top machismo? Kaitlyn goes to tell the guys "hey hang in there, the fun part's coming" and Britt is all pissed off about it, mostly because she didn't think of it first, and now she can't go give her own pep talk because then she'd look like a copycat, and here comes the middle school drama that Britt is so good at.
Tony the sensitive yoga dude, gives the EXACT SAME SPEECH to both girls, which is about the most insensitive thing he could do. What a poser.
Time for the drunk person who has become a staple of every season premiere of this show. Ryan's basically morphed into a skinny Chris Farley character. Shawn the "amateur sex coach" shows up in a hot tub car, and I'm completely flabbergasted. Drunk Ryan is not impressed. Yet, he's completely enthralled with the next guy's vehicle: Chris the Dentist shows up in a cupcake and says it's because he wanted to do something sweet.....that's much worse than calling someone a Disney princess.
The guys seem to be excited at the prospect of having two Bachelorettes, most likely because they could strike out and still have a chance a redemption with the other girl. Kaitlyn starts off with a very, very bad joke that the guys courtesy laugh at, and Britt goes straight for the "I'm looking for my best friend." These two couldn't be more different. The guys talking to Kaitlyn are picking up on her goofiness and acting accordingly. All the conversations they show with Britt seem to revolve around their children, or sponsored children. One dude has a kid named Aurellious. I wonder if his favorite movie is Gladiator? I'm too lazy to figure out who it was or look up the profiles on ABC.com to see how many guys picked Gladiator as their favorite movie.
Tony the sensitive guy looks like he got punched under his left eye maybe? In any event, he votes for Britt because her rose was "pulsating." Some other drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. He gets my first impression rose. I love triceratops.
I also love that the girls have to lobby for the guys while the guys are simultaneously lobbying for them. It makes for a little bit more interesting opening episode, although I'm slightly annoyed with the three hour season premiere. If they can figure out how to compress this into one standard two hour episode, that'd be great.
A nice little moment when Ben asks Kaitlyn about her tattoo and she says "you know, Chris never asked me about it once." What the hell, Chris? This seems like second/third date territory, and she made it to the final two or three? Tattoos are incredibly personal things to most people, and it's an easy way to show you're interested in a person. Even if you don't really care, you still ask. However, I always want to know about people's tattoos, because I'm fascinated by the thought process that goes into engraving an image or word on your body forever.
Ok, back to the show. Drunk Ryan gets confronted by Shawn the sex coach for insulting his hot tub car. Let me type that sentence again:
DRUNK RYAN GETS CONFRONTED BY SHAWN THE SEX COACH FOR INSULTING HIS HOT TUB CAR.
Reality TV my ass. In any event, Drunk Ryan doesn't remember telling Shawn him and his stupid car sucked, but he doesn't miss a chance to tell that he (and everything about him) sucks again. Drunk people are the best. Ryan continues his one-man race to the bottom by telling Britt "a lot of guys like her," referring to the Bachelorettes as a "couple a' hoes," and then tapping Kaitlyn on the ass and telling her she's "Ryan approved."
The guys decide that Ryan needs to go, most likely because they feel the need to protect the ladies who have not asked for their protection. JJ tells him that he's being inappropriate, and I'm pretty sure Ryan threatens to rape him. How do you not laugh at the guy at that point? Apparently Chris Harrison also feels the need to protect the ladies, but hilariously sends in an enormous crew member/bouncer to escort Ryan out of the house so he can dismiss him. Nobody is bigger than Harrison, you betta' recognize!
Dude who brought the Kleenex gets his time with Britt, and she calls out his Kleenex move for the dick-move it was, and they immediately cut to Kleenex dude telling some other guys "I like Kaitlyn more...she's more real." What a sissy. Also sissyish is Brady the crooner who says "Britt is a billion on a scale of one to ten." He played baseball, prayed when his career was over, and it led him to writing songs that are "so spiritual." Britt LOVES it.
Chris Harrison interrupts to let everyone know that the votes are in.....and I just had a thought. Does Drunk Ryan's vote count? What if it's thirteen to twelve and HIS vote is the deciding vote? Although it looked like he just chucked his rose at Britt's picture, so I'm not sure if that's a vote for or against her. We get lots of shots of the girls looking bored/nervous while Chris takes way too long to count twenty-five roses.
Votes have finally been tallied and the winner is.........
(continued next blog)
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