Bachelorette Episode 9 - Crisis in Killarney

It's a rare thing this season indeed when I get to watch the Bachelorette on the night it airs, so hopefully I'm rewarded with an episode worthy of a semi-live blog.

We start with Kaitlyn walking around a lake (loch?) and telling us how stressful it was letting Chris go and also dealing with the consequences of her decision to let Nick explore her Cave of Wonders (Aladdin reference).  The first date card comes as three of the guys (Ben H., Shawn, and Nick) hilariously sharing a loveseat and looking super uncomfortable.  Ben H. gets the solo date, leaving Nick and Shawn on the loveseat.  Shawn moves over, but strangely puts his arm across the back of the loveseat behind Nick, like he's about to go in for "the movie-move."

The date begins with a romantic rowboat ride to an island in Ireland.  You can almost feel the romance in the air as Ben H. says "I just love to walk around these things and think of...the Vikings." The Vikings?  Not leprechauns?  Vikings?  Kaitlyn clearly isn't on a romantic vibe either as she replies "that's bad ass."  In keeping with the anti-romance vibe of this date, they play a game of hide and seek, where Kaitlyn decides the best place to hide is in a corner like it's the Blair Witch Project or something:

Can you see me?

When they get down to the brass tacks of relationships, Kaitlyn admits that she's hard to deal with sometimes, and she wants someone who won't give up on her.  When Ben says "I didn't realize that was even an option!"  I half expected Kaitlyn to say "good, because I f*cked Nick last week, but I swear it didn't mean anything."  Instead, they kiss as Kaitlyn tells us that when they're talking and kissing "it feels good."  I'm guessing it'd feel pretty good to kiss Hope Solo, but that doesn't mean that  I should consider a relationship based on that.

Ben then says that his biggest fear is that he might not be loved back or be lovable.  Of course that's your biggest fear.  If in a relationship your biggest fear isn't that the person you love doesn't feel the same way about you, then there's something wrong.  What else would your biggest fear be?  That she's an axe murderer? That her parents will be Scientologists?  Kaitlyn lets him know that he's definitely lovable (like a teddy bear.) He says "I can't wait to talk all night," and Kaitlyn immediately feels like "yo this guy might be a virgin."  She's all bent out of shape because she had sex with Nick because he was all over her on their date, and this guy says the opposite, and she's all of a sudden "wait this dude only wants to TALK?  He must be a virgin!"  

Ben says he's not, but he's glad he comes off that way.  Does that not sound like something a serial rapist would say?  Kaitlyn is super relieved that he's not a virgin, then asks him to tell her about the time he lost his virginity.  This girl straight up sucks at romance.  In fact, she sucks at relationships.  She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be at least somewhat intelligent, but she is awful at this.  In no way is she ready for marriage.  Whomever proposes to her, I hope they're ready to be sitting on opposites sides of the couch at After the Final Rose.

Group date time with Shawn, Nick, and Joe.  The "lucky" guy who gets a rose on this date gets the golden ticket to the fantasy suites.  Shawn gets the first solo time on the date, and they lament the fact that they didn't kiss last week.  So, when you spend your time talking instead of kissing, things didn't go so well?  Well rather than figure out why that is, let's just kiss some more!  Kaitlyn knows that she needs to talk to him about having sex with Nick, but it's just so much more fun to kiss...so she avoids it until Nick saves her by stealing her away.

Kaitlyn then decides to talk to Nick, asking him how he feels about having sex with her.  This might be the biggest softball question of all time.  She clearly wants to only have good conversations with people.  She laughs, relieved that he enjoyed humping her, and then proceeds to say that she feels somewhat guilty, although she's "a grown woman who can do what she wants."  Ok, Cartman:

Shawn tries to pressure Joe into breaking up their alone time, but Joe's a sissy and realizes that she likes Nick and Shawn way more than she likes him, and decides he'd rather just sit on a bench outside an Irish castle than hang out with Kaitlyn and tells Shawn "nah, I'm good."  Kaitlyn then decides not to let him sit this out, and forces him off his bench.  Not wanting to waste alone time with a sure thing, Joe makes out with her practically while she's mid-sentence.  Nice plan, Joe.  Get your parting gift on your way out.

Kaitlyn then compliments him on being "brutally honest" with her, and she says that she owes it to him to be "brutally honest" with him.  Somehow, him being brutally honest involves him telling her how great she is, but her brutal honesty involves her telling him she doesn't like him as much as he likes her.  He says "it's cool" but won't look at her.  She says "well just because I'm sending you home doesn't mean I didn't think you were kinda hot when we were making out last week" or something along those lines.  She tries to hug him, but he's like "thanks for dumping me on a bench, I like sitting on benches."  

Kaitlyn returns to the guys, tells them she dumped Joe and that it was really hard, but in the grand scheme of things, it might be then push she needed to finally start actually talking to people rather than just making out and pretending that her own personal booze cruise is going to last forever.  She tells Nick that they're cool, but he needs to go home, because she's got some things she needs to discuss with Shawn.  Shawn's super excited, but only because he doesn't realize that one of those "things" he needs to talk about with her is Nick's penis.

They spend some time laughing on a couch, rubbing each others legs while drinking oversized glasses of alcohol.  Their conversation goes something like this (my interpretation of what Kaitlyn says will be in bold.)

Shawn:  Are you nervous?

Kaitlyn:  Laughs hysterically (YUP)

Shawn: Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn:  Well, I just want to be honest with you, because I know how important trust is to you (Just remember you brought this on yourself, Shawn, what with all your 'be honest with me' mumbo jumbo)

Shawn:  Whatever it is, you can tell me

Kaitlyn: I haven't told anyone else this, but I felt like I needed to tell you (You're so gonna hate this, but your reaction will be super awesome for the cameras)

Shawn: Uhhhhh....(it's slowly dawning on him that this isn't going to be a happy conversation)

Kaitlyn:  On my date with Nick, he came back to my hotel room (you don't need to know it's because I invited him) and things went a little too far (hoping you think that he forced himself on me) and we had sex (cue Lonely Island and Akon)

Shawn: (pauses for an uncomfortably long time) Do you regret it?

Kaitlyn:  I felt guilt and I didn't expect that to happen (Nope), but when I woke up in the morning, I thought about what it would do to our relationship (I was hoping you'd want to even up the score so to speak)

Shawn: Why are you telling me this?

Kaitlyn: I felt like it was the right thing to do. (ABC made me)

Shawn then excuses himself from the table.  He's hiding in the bathroom, but we are treated to his voice telling us that he's "so tense right now he can't even piss."  Well that's classy.  Shawn comes back and seems a bit more relaxed (maybe he figured out how to pee again?"  Then he incredibly thanked her for telling him, and says "you know how I feel about that guy, but I'm gonna fight through this."  Kaitlyn then asks him if he thinks that this going to be worth it at the end.  I can't be certain, but I think she basically just told him that any guy that wants to be with her has to be ok with her having sex with other guys while not having sex with him.  Shawn, because he's an idiot, agrees.  Glad we're all on the same page.  Hang in there Shawn....you're the prince of this fairy tale, but first the princess is gonna have sex with all the other frogs to make sure they're really just frogs. 

Shawn comes back and says "It went great" and Nick is not cool with Shawn going to bed feeling confident, so he throws out there that "he feels great" about his time, while subtly reminding Shawn that she had a perfect opportunity to offer him a rose, but didn't give it to him.

Heading into the rose ceremony, Shawn is contemplating heading home because the more he thinks about it, the more he's not OK with her having sex with Nick.  He needs to talk to Kaitlyn about these things before the ceremony.  That's usually Chris Harrison's cue to tell the guys that the Bachelorette is forgoing cocktail party time to dole out roses, and tonight is no exception.  Kaitlyn then tells the guys that it's "shocking" to her to be there with only four "beautiful faces" looking back at her - another indication that she's wishing she still had twenty guys to wine and dine her and make out with.  Instead, she's cutting one guy loose so she can hump the other three.  Nick should be worried, because he's already been down that road, and Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl that's not going to climb the same mountain twice, when there's three other mountains there that she hasn't dug her crampons into.  

Shawn gets offered the first rose, but he's like "yo we need to talk."  He basically says "you told me I was the one, I told you I hated Nick, you spent "off-camera time" with Nick, and I'm just wondering why you think that's a good idea."  Kaitlyn starts off a little rough saying "I'm here to explore other relationships" but then gets down to business saying "I shouldn't have told you that you were the one, because even if I felt it at the time, I still wanted to make sure.  But rest assured, that when this process is over, there will be no more exploring."  She then accuses Shawn of not trusting her, which makes sense because she basically did the one thing that could hurt him the most on this show and then told him AND ONLY HIM about it.  Nonetheless, when she offers him the rose again, he says "absolutely" as if there was no chance he was going to say no.  Maybe this was a power play to make Nick sweat a little bit.  

Ben the virgin serial rapist gets a rose, leaving it down to rat-faced Jared and Nick.  Jared gets sent home, which of course is a bummer because he seems like the best guy out of the remaining four, and maybe he was the best out of all the guys this season.  Because he's an idiot, he offers her his coat and then tells her it's OK that she just sent him home for a guy who apparently exudes no sex appeal whatsoever, a smarmy guy with bad sweaters who relishes making other people uncomfortable, and another guy who has turned this into a personal battle to beat the smarmy bad sweater dude (whose name he won't even say anymore) rather than having it be about love.

Kaitlyn is now sobbing because Jared is gone.  She then basically admits that she sent him home because he wasn't outwardly telling her how awesome she was enough.  

Nick gets the first fantasy date which are apparently called "overnights" when they're not in a tropical location.  They wander into a church, and Nick tells her about how he "grew up in the church" and how his parents met at church and then he tells some story that sounds made up about how a four year old walked up to his dad and said  "you're going to marry that girl."  I don't believe that for a second, because I've been around four year olds, and they all think that people marry their sisters or cousins.  Anyways, they spend the day in an Irish pub talking to a couple of old Irish guys about what the secret of marriage is.  I repeat, they asked a couple of guys in their sixties who spend their afternoons in the bar without their wives what the secret of marriage was. 

Shawn continues to blame Nick for stealing Kaitlyn away like she's got not choice or free-will in the matter.  You can almost see his biceps getting bigger just thinking about it.  Nick then says that he "wants to connect with Kaitlyn on every possible level there is to connect with another person" which is one of those things that people say that sound really sweet, but when you actually think about it make absolutely no sense.  

Nick then goes insane.  Rather than playing it cool and keeping the focus on her, he instead figures that now would be the perfect time to try to bury Shawn.  Such a stupid move.  He could've just laid back, kept talking about connecting on a subatomic level and making her the center of his universe, and yet he decides to talk about Shawn and make some reference to him bragging about having sex with a girl who went on to have sex with a country singer later that night.  Kaitlyn then seems to be a little chafed at the direction of this conversation and kind of bites back at Nick, asking him why everyone says he's bad news, but he's the only one saying anything about Shawn.  Nick is now backpedalling, talking about how "it's weird that the guys all love Shawn and seem to be ok with him winning."  Who are all these guys?  There's only one other guy left, and he's super sweet and sensitive and his a questionable virgin.

Kaitlyn then shrugs all this off like.....well like this:

"So that was a really terrible conversation that totally killed the vibe, but I'm still DTF if you are, ya?"

After a semi funny prank where Kaitlyn pretends they're having their fantasy night in a jail cell, but then they head off to the real hotel and spend their night apparently talking and eating ham.   Are they just pretending they didn't have sex, or does it not really matter at this point?

I'll tell you who it does matter to - SHAWN.  He's about to go Incredible Hulk on Nick.  Of course he calls the hotel and is able to just ask for Nick's room number and of course they give it to him.  I'll give Shawn this - at least he didn't try to come up with a lame gambit to get the room number like Nick did with Andi on his last run on the Bachelorette.  

Shawn gets the room number and goes over to tell Nick he hates him to his face.  Nick says "that's cool, I hate you too." They then proceed to basically talk over each other and I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever. 

Then we get to see Britt and Brady holding hands and talking about how hard it is to have a long distance relationship, and I have to cut and paste the end of the last paragraph, because I think it's the most annoying way to end a show ever.

Bachelorette Episodes 5-8: A Show I Don't Recognize

WHAT IS GOING ON? You take four weeks off from watching a show, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. There was a bromance, the return of a guy from two seasons ago that nobody liked, a guy throwing a tantrum and deciding two months into the show that he was better than everyone else, sex on a date, a date in a coffin, a man crying into a scarf, an epically bad haircut, and oh yeah NO HOMETOWNS.  Let's just change it up and bring Britt back for the last few episodes just in case any of the guys get cold feet why don't we!  It was all too much for me, but I'll try to break it down quickly:

JJ is a bad guy.  Clint is not quite as bad of a guy, but still very arrogant.  Clint and JJ get along.  They like to joke about performing sex acts on each other.  Clint decides joking around with JJ is more fun than trying to date Kaitlyn, but his macho bro-code won't let him lose a girl to another guy, so he turns on the machismo.  Kaitlyn kinda likes hooking up with dudes, so she's down with him.  Other guys tell her Clint and JJ are idiots, so she confronts Clint.  Clint doesn't like being challenged, so he gets testy.  Kaitlyn tells him to leave.  Before he leaves, JJ throws him under the bus and asks for an apology.  Now Clint wants to fight JJ.  JJ feels so bad about using his friend's demise for personal gain that he does this:

Get it together man!

Nick returns, lays on the charm, still befuddles me why any girl likes this guy.  Kaitlyn really likes him though, and invites him back to her room.  When he leaves, she suddenly decides that it was a bad idea.  She doesn't regret having sex, mind you.  She regrets that it might damage the rest of her relationships.  She should probably just hump the rest of the guys to make it equitable.  I think that's probably her best course of action here.

Ian wants to be on Broadway.  However, he gets passed over for a nerdy dentist.  This sends him into one of the most epic rants ever on the show.  In case you've forgotten.  Ian:

• Is a very talented singer
• Went to Princeton
• CHEATED DEATH
• Has been around the world MULTIPLE TIMES
• Has LOTS of sex in his real life
• Had a girlfriend that was ten times hotter than Kaitlyn.

He then proceeds to tell Kaitlyn most of this, while also throwing in that she's dumb and sort of a slut.  He then says he was disappointed she wasn't as "deep" as him, then proceeds to exclaim "I need to have sex."  Ian is an idiot.

Shawn was one of my favorites.  I was surprised by his sick burns in the rap battle, and he definitely had that Ryan Gosling vibe working for him.  Unfortunately, he then decided to tell Kaitlyn about how he was in a serious car wreck six years ago that left him in the hospital for two months, but it was worth it because if he hadn't almost died, he wouldn't be her with her.  Car crash stories - you've heard one, you've heard them all, right?

He then shows her pictures of his sister and his dog and then flips out when he doesn't get a group date rose.  I thought this was all very weird, until it's revealed that a drunk Kaitlyn snuck into the guys hotel room and told Shawn that "he was the one." Now it makes a little more sense.  But still...stop whining!

Jared is probably my favorite of the guys left, which isn't saying much.  He looks like a weasel and woo's Kaitlyn with quotes from Dumb and Dumber.  THIS IS YOUR FRONT RUNNER??  Ugh.  

Josh was another guy I liked....the big dumb galoot from Kuna,Idaho.  Unfortunately, he decided that he needed to defend Kaitlyn's honor from that bastard Nick, because that's what big dumb galoots from Idaho do.  It didn't go well.  So, the quick thinking galoot does what any quick thinking galoot would do to get himself back in good graces with a lady, he asks her to give him a haircut while blindfolded.  ABC gives her some clippers with battery life on 10%, she shaves half his head and calls it good.  The result is not exactly Natalie Dorner-esque:

King Kuna

Queen Margaery

Cupake Chris got to (sort of) be Aladdin, and made the comment that "I always go for the princess - maybe this time I'll actually get her to go for me too!"  This is just so, so sad.  It makes you wonder just how many Tennessean princesses have told this guy "you have great teeth, but the answer is no." I love how as Kaitlyn dumps him on the cliffs of Ireland, he cuts her off and says "I see where this is going, what can I do?"  This is like asking the semi truck that's already blown a tire and is crossing median right towards you to take a time-out.  He then narrates his own meltdown "C'mon Chris, get it together.....I promised myself I wouldn't cry!"

Also, Ben Z. (who looks just a little like Superman in Man of Steel when he's still just a lumberjack and doesn't know he's Superman yet) got sent home.  I have no idea why, because he seemed like a pretty good guy, even if Kaitlyn in a coffin in an Irish pub makes him think of his two-decades dead mother.  I think this is why he went home.  Instead of kissing the "dead girl" in the coffin, he instead tries to turn it into an actual funeral.

The biggest development to me was Chris Harrison basically telling Kaitlyn "you're way too much of a ho for me to send you to these guys' mothers."  It was either this, or Kaitlyn said "hey Chris we've got a problem.  I can't hump these guys at their parent's houses.....can we just skip to the fantasy suite part?  I'll cut a few of the prudes this week, I promise!" Either way, this girl needs to get it together.  She's like that girl that says she "hates drama and immature people," yet every time you find yourself a bar with a mechanical bull, there she is, riding that thing like Pecos Bill:

Bachelorette Episode 4: To Be Continued

Was so proud of myself for getting caught up on five hours of Bachelorette last week, only to fall behind again when I went to see San Andreas on Sunday night, which pushed my Game of Thrones watching back a day, which leads to me writing this blog at 10:30 on a Tuesday night, well after most of you have stopped caring about this week's episode.

Anyways, King Kupah is still menacing the staff, and Kaitlyn has to come out and say "dude, chill."  Kupah immediately gets all sheepish and says "uh....I didn't realize you were going to come out here."  Kaitlyn tells him again to relax, and he's like Lenny from of Mice and Men, saying "sorry I yelled.  I won't yell again."  Then as soon as she leaves, he mocks her like she's the one in the wrong in this situation.  Kupah is a dick.  He's that special kind of dick that thinks every problem he's ever had is the fault of others.  He's the kind of guy that isn't paying attention while driving and hits a tree, then blames a squirrel for burying a nut so close to the road.  "Stupid squirrel planted that tree because I"m BLACK!"  See ya Kupah!

Kaitlyn's all mopey.  She feels bad because now the guys can't drink anymore and she has to send someone else home.  It actually ends up more than one someone including Daniel "I'm not actually related to Ed Norton" and Corey "he just needs to be with his daughter."  Always the easy way to get rid of a single parent.  As if it weren't bad enough that they will automatically think they're on the same level as Kupah, they also have to deal with with the fact that "eyes of a child, heart of a warrior, spirit of gypsy" Tony is still standing.  They didn't make it as far as the guy who LEFT HIS BANSAI TREE to be to find love.  Leave your child, ya gone.  Leave your tree, that's COMMITMENT.

Up next, it's time to get your sumo on.  There are definitely some annoying ways to wake up (an urban rooster comes to mind) but two of the happiest looking sumo wrestlers banging a gong and screaming "udo udo udo!" ain't one of them.

JJ gets our first bullshit "I love (insert foreign country) culture!" comment when he explains that he loves sushi and THAT'S ALL HE CAN SAY ABOUT JAPAN.  Anyways, they make the guys wear sumo diapers that they don't know how to wear, so we are treated to a lot of pixelated censor bars over peoples twig and berry regions.  Kaitlyn apparently wishes she was born a thousand years ago, when men would duel each other to the death for a lady's affection.  Boxing last week, now sumo wrestling?  Hopefully next week they're heading to Medieval Times to joust each other into oblivion.

Tony gets his turn, and the sumo wrestler literally laughs at him as he parries Tony's feeble attacks away.  Tony's not amused and stomps off.  Kaitlyn goes after him and really condescends to him as she says "what's up?  Did you get hurt?"  No wonder he's pissed.  He brings up the exact point I just made about her and the aggressive "challenges."  Not surprisingly, JJ interjects himself into the situation and goes after Tony.  JJ is the worst ever.  Also, It's impossible to be intimidating wearing a diaper and Ray Bans whilst holding a mason jar of sweet tea.  Not even your extremely busy and messy tattoo makes you look tough, bro.  Kaitlyn says "obviously I offended him, but he offended me too."  What, by disagreeing with your dopey challenges?  Kaitlyn is definitely in the wrong here, but let's be honest - Had Tony miraculously caught the sumo champion off balance and actually knocked him back, he'd have loved that challenge and talked about how he channeled the pain of leaving his little tree on the counter next to his sand garden into kinetic energy that flowed through his warrior's heart or some crap.  Anyways, they have a conversation where Tony says he want's Kaitlyn to see all he has to offer (as he spits into a flower bed on the patio) and she says she won't judge him if he sits out a challenge or two.  So yeah, they're both lying but at least we can stop talking about it.

We're treated to a fun little scene of Kaitlyn wrestling a giant sumo wrestler where he flings her around like a rag doll before letting her win.  Then Clint (a former wrestler) lays down the hammer on all the guys and we get back to the real star of the show - Tony.

Tony's still mad that every competition is about who is the "realest man."  He just wants to go to the zoo and see who makes the best elephant noise.  I'm actually in agreement with him on this one.  I love the zoo, and I love making animal noises.  Tony would probably rethink his suggestion if I was on the show with him.  And obviously you can't go to the zoo, because:

Apparently Tony's heart is closed too, because he's excusing himself to go practice naked yoga with his bansai tree or something.

At the after party, the guys are struggling with getting time with Kaitlyn, particularly Clint, who doesn't really even look at her when she sits next to him.  Shawn seizes the opportunity and squires her away for a kiss.  He gets the rose.  JJ feels awful for Clint because, as a friend, he doesn't like to see him miss an opportunity or something.  The guy who last week was very willing to let everyone in the world know that he wasn't here to make friends and wasn't here to meet guys, apparently is allowing his grinch heart to grow a little bit.  Clint says that he's "coming to the realization that Kaitlyn isn't the woman for him, but he wants to stick around because he's developing relationships with some of the guys, including JJ, who is a "sweetheart."  Weird.

Chris Harrison then takes the lead of smashing Kaitlyn and Ben Z. together for a date.  Apparently Chris Harrison is a big fan of Bud Light, because he's planned this date as an "up for whatever" style adventure.  They have to go into a room, and work together to find a code that will let them out.  When they open the door, a pigeon flies out at them.  OK......

Apparently Kaitlyn is afraid of birds, which seems slightly weird since she let weird Asian monkeys crawl all over her while on a date with Chris Soules.  Ben gets all sensitive about it, tells her to be strong and he won't let her go.  It turns out to be something out a scene from a bad horror movie.  They have to do weird stuff and solve very obvious clues that require her to kiss because they're going to get gassed if they don't get out in 45 minutes or something.  Meanwhile, some dude in a sheet is growling and writhing around in the bed.  The final clue can only be obtained by putting your hand into a dirty toilet in a bathroom crawling with snakes.  WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?  In the end, the password is Roses which probably would've been my second or third guess if you didn't give me any clues, yet it took them 45 minutes to get out of there.  It bothers me that intelligence is never rewarded or lauded as an attractive quality on this show.  "Sure he doesn't know how to put a deck of cards in numerical order without help, but damnit he can put his hand in a dirty toilet to pull out a blacklight! He's a MAN."

Kaitlyn invites Ben back to her house for wine and conversation, but mostly wine.  Ben then tries to explain that he's not THAT scared of snakes, and Kaitlyn totally mocks him for being an idiot.  However, he then tells the story about how his mom made him walk the dog while she died and he didn't cry, and he hasn't cried in eleven years, and already you can see that Kaitlyn is making it her mission to make him cry.  Because if he cries over her when he wouldn't even cry over his dead mom, that means he loves her.  #Bachelogic

Time for another group date, where the guys get to go to a school and teach the kids about sex.  I'm already pissed at the parents who signed off on letting these idiots teach their children about sex.  Meanwhile, JJ finds another way to get screen time, as him and Clint apparently pretend to be into each other as more than friends.  This seems very demeaning to homosexuals in some way.  Are we supposed to that the idea that these two guys might love each other or be into each other is weird or wrong?

Turns out the kids are all actors that were given planted questions.  Even still, this seems like a horrible idea.  The guys all stumble their way through sex ed, where we learn that words like "clitoris" and "ejaculate" aren't ok to say on ABC, but vagina is fine.  Also, fake inserting a tampon into a fake model of the female anatomy is taboo.  ABC could probably save itself a couple hundred thousand dollars and hours of editing if they cut back on their censor bar usage.

Josh the Idahoan tells Kaitlyn that he didn't kiss a girl until college and that he had a tough time talking to girls growing up, which is commendable of him to say.  It's not something most people would be willing to admit.  Rather than say she understands, and is impressed that he's willing to open up to her, Kaitlyn says "bro you need to step it up because I'm ready to bang like ten other guys here."  Again, things guys are commended for in real life are seen as negatives on this show, while being solely focused on physical traits and beating up other men are seen as desirable traits.

JJ and Clint are still hanging out, and I fail to see why we're making such a big deal out of this.

Jared gets a pity invite to Kaitlyn's hotel room because she still feels bad he got concussed during one of her Roman Gladiator style challenges.  They make out, Jared says he feels a connection, Kaitlyn says "he's a MAN!"  Jared expects to get the rose and says he'll be confused if he doesn't.  Naturally, Ben gets the rose, and Jared is bumming.

Cocktail party time, and more than one guy have bruises or black eyes.  It's like drunk fight club.  Clint gets the first alone time, and of course all the guys are pissed.  I'm actually waiting for the episode where all fifteen guys run up to her at the same time saying "KaitlyncanIstealyoupleasepleassepleaseplease!"  Clint makes a couple self deprecating jokes, and Kaitlyn loves it and says that he's on the way back to being in her good graces.  He attributes his ability to come back into the game to his "power socks" and then says he's only trying to woo Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ.  Him and JJ then have some mocking homoerotic banter, and then make fun of the other guys for not being sweet bros like they are.  JJ says he feels like he's in a house with a bunch of "JV croquet players" which is weird because JJ is probably the guy I could most see playing croquet in the house.  Also croquet is awesome.  Apparently, every single guy uses their alone time to tell her Clint and JJ are dicks.  Somehow, Kaitlyn hears only that Clint is an ass, and singles him out for a serious conversation.

And now we're left to hang on until next week.  #noclosure  Let's recap:  Clint is using Kaitlyn to spend more time with JJ, most likely because he's using JJ and the bromance angle to get a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.  Ben won't cry when his mom dies, but you kiss the girl he stuck his hand into a dirty snake filled toilet for, he might just cry.  Tony just wants to go to the zoo, and JJ is a monster who hates croquet.  See you next week!

Bachelorette Episode 3: Villains Gotta Vill

Circumstances being what they are, I had to delay watching all three episodes of the Bachelorette until today (Tuesday, May 26th).  I'd never recommend binge watching this show.  I'm about to claw my eyes out, but I don't want to end up in this situation ever again, so I'm powering through my fourth hour of this show tonight.  Thank god for DVR and skipped commercials, or I'd never make it. As a result, there are far less in depth observations or links/.gifs included in the blog, but I intend to start beefing up the content again next week, so thanks for sticking with me.

Kaitlyn's ready to go, and tells us about forty bazillion times that she's REALLY excited to be the Bachelorette.  She has a talk with Harrison where she basically says "you know what?  When Soules kissed a girl on the first night, we were all shocked, but I get it now.  I'm gonna really whore it up from here on."  The guys are starting off the day with mimosas and bloody mary's, so this will probably go well.

Now we smash cut straight to Britt, who's probably glad that one dude gave her the Kleenex about now, amirite?  She's crying and telling her mom the guys didn't love her, but fear not, because AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, Brady is right outside her hotel room door!  A strong move by him, that may just work out better than a normal Bachelor/ette romance because they're on their own, pretty much off camera and they don't have to hide their relationship at all from the public.  I could see them working out, because Brady will tell Britt all the things she wants/needs to hear, and Britt just needs someone to tell her how pretty she is on the inside and out.

Group date time, and the guys are getting to punch the crap out of each other with Laila Ali!  How many times do you think these guys talk about how much they love her dad?  And how many of them actually have seen her dad fight?  I'll be honest, I've never watched a Muhammad Ali fight.  I saw the movie with Will Smith, and I've seen a few highlights, but come on.  Kupah immediately says she's a big deal because of her dad, not because of her own boxing career.

Some of these guys have some decent punches and look decent, others look like I can imagine I would in a ring.  Corey talks about how good Kaitlyn is at jumping rope, and then they show her jumping like a person who has maybe jumped six times in their life.  She's barely better than a toddler, but at least she can get both feet off the ground at the same time.  (I love watching toddlers try to learn to jump.)

Kaitlyn is concerned that Kupah is not really into her.  He's probably not.  He's probably more into impressing Laila Ali in some crazy fantasy scenario he's concocted where Laila is so impressed with his determination and devotion to boxing that she invites him to meet her dad.  Good luck Kupah, but my guess is the first thing Muhammad Ali would say to you is "what kind of freaking name is Kupah?  Has Mario hit you with a banana peel out in MooMoo Meadows lately?"

Time for the boxing "matches" and why are they fighting in a run down industrial district?  And where did all these people come from?  Did they bus these people in from the suburbs?  The first match is Ben Z. vs. Daniel, which looks kind of like a cocky twelve year old challenging his dad.  It didn't work out so well for the smaller Daniel.  In his defense, he was giving up 30 lbs.  Kupah wins his match because he's still trying to meet Muhammad Ali.  It doesn't go so well for him in the second round though, as Jared knocked him down.  Kupah seems to be taking it in stride, classically talking about how hard the final is going to be for Jared - what with him having to just go through two "excruciatingly tough" battles.  He just patted himself on the back for getting knocked down!  Way to go Kupah, you're the best.

Turns out he was right though, as Ben Z. lands a pretty vicious punch to Jared's face, ringing his bell and knocking him down.  Hilariously, the crowd shows it has no knowledge of the effects of a concussion, which can include sensitivity to sound, by chanting "JARED, JARED, JARED" as if the sheer volume of their voices can counteract the blunt force trauma his brain just took.  Jared too shows a lack of understanding of the situation, as he tries to brush off the paramedic.  "I'm fine, I just got PUNCHED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD," he says.  The paramedic is having none of it and sends him off to the hospital.

Ben Z. feels bad about sending a dude to a hospital, but then says "here's something:  My mom fell down the stairs, broke her back, then they found cancer and she died."  Oops.  Forgot Ben Z. (which, when Kaitlyn says his name sounds like "Bensie") was the guy who was still dealing with the passing of his mom from a decade ago.

While Daniel is having a chat with Kaitlyn, a note is delivered to her, and she makes a huge deal out of it by not talking about it and being all cryptic and dismissing him.  Turns out it's just Jared who explains that "he got hit in the bridge of the nose" which is the exact opposite of where he thought he got hit a few hours ago.  Despite the doctor's prescribing rest for him, he goes for a walk with Kaitlyn and gives her a kiss.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot," to be kissed by a concussed dude wearing a red shirt, yellow boxing shorts, and black converse high tops on a dirty Hollywood street.  Given that he's still in boxing attire, he probably hadn't showered.  I get that "sweaty boxing guy" might be kind of sexy to some girls, but "concussed guy who is no longer sweaty but still wearing stinky clothes" is probably not part of that fantasy.

Bensie gets the rose, and a big kiss (go figure).  Kaitlyn is here to PARTY.

Now time for the one on one date, and it's Clint the drawer of triceratops.  Their date is an underwater photo shoot, which seems a little weird, which gets weirder when Gisele greets them and tells them she's a conceptual underwater photographer.  I think underwater photographer would have sufficed.  Turns out that "spontaneous underwater jump" that I thought I saw in the "scenes upcoming" thing wasn't spontaneous at all.  Makes more sense now.

What doesn't make sense is underwater photography.  Gisele makes them go through breathing exercises that involve feeling your partner's breathing, and - bonus for Clint - Clint gets to second base by placing his hand right on her boob.  They pile into the water, and the pictures are absurd, as Kaitlyn can't stop blowing bubbles out of her nose, so there's this annoying trail of bubbles in every shot, that I'm sure Gisele wasn't conceptualizing.  Also, apparently conceptual underwater photographers don't wear wetsuits or other approved water wear - they just go in wearing regular clothes, fingerless biker gloves and scuba masks.  Basically she grabbed the most annoying props from a wedding photo booth.  At dinner, Kaitlyn tells Clint that she "knew she could bring out his funny side" which I tried to do once in college with a girl and is way harder than you think.  Turns out some people don't have a funny side.  Clint gets his rose.

Back at the house, the second group date is announced, and Tony is shocked she actually noticed him enough to bring him on a group date.  Tony is the worst.  Well JJ is the worst - he just wants to make fun of every other guy in the house and act like he belongs on Mount Olympus or something - but Tony is a close second.  He's going on about openness and mixing up the girls' names, calling Kaitlyn Britt, and just basically saying whatever cliche about love and spiritualism pops into his head.

(Note - due to my DVR segmenting the episode into two separate lines in my menu, I accidentally watched the second hour first, which you will see really confuses me when we get to the rose ceremony.)

We're not wasting any time tonight, as Amy Schumer is kicking off this episode with a "do you know how lucky you are?  You could be driving a tractor right now!" joke.  Good stuff.  The guys are excited about the stand-up, which of course means they're going to be terrible.  if their initial jokes are any indication, we're in for some bad stand-up.  Amy trots out three female comedians I've never heard of, but they're funny as they openly mock the guys.  Amy just lays out JJ saying he is a great guy, just missing "charisma, humility and a sense of humor."  JJ belabors his point by telling Amy he feels "he's smarter than 90% of the audience 90% of the time."  Amy deadpans "I hope it comforts you to know you're not smarter than anyone here." JJ responds with "just a second" and continues to write his horrible jokes down on a notepad.  What kind of idiot doesn't take advice from one of the best comedians in the world right now?  Amy wins the night by saying "hopefully JJ looks back on the show and stops being such a turd."  We need to refer to more people as turds.  It's a great word!

Time for the guys to embarrass themselves.  Surprisingly, the first few aren't bad, and Dentist Chris does a great job playing the super nervous guy routine to a T.  Healer Tony goes into a monologue about how blessed he is for the opportunity and then he just rambles.  This sets up JJ who only gets to tell one joke that gets aired.  That just really sucks.  I want to know if he was terrible, or he was able to channel his arrogance into some funny stuff.  Damn you ABC!  Can you watch full stand-up routines online?

I was worried about Idaho Welder Josh as being too much like Chris Soules, but I actually kinda like the guy.  He seems like an actual person.  A dumb actual person, but still an actual person.  Unlike sensitive Tony who can't stop talking in cliches and existential thoughts.  JJ can't stop being a condescending douche who thinks he's hilarious.  JJ is awful.  Back at the house, the guys are playing a prank on Justin, knocking on the walls and sending him out to find out what's on the date card.

JJ continues his douchebaggery, going on and on about how much he misses his daughter who is growing up too fast and all this, and then tells Kaitlyn that there's no other place he'd rather be and makes out with her.  JJ thinks this kiss puts him in the lead, even willing to put $50K on his getting a rose.  Not to be outdone, Kentucky Joe decides to kiss first and ask questions later.  The first thing he says is "Well I'll be!"  Then Kaitlyn says "theres's something about that I like and I'm not sure what it is."  I don't think this is a good thing for Joe.  She basically said "you're dumb and I don't see a future with you, but I like kissing you, so you can stay for now."  JJ cashes in his bet and gets the rose, after Kaitlyn says "I like the sensitive dad thing you're portraying.  Keep playing that angle, because I like it."  Naturally, the tease as we go to break shows JJ doing the exact opposite.  All he had to do was keep talking about how his daughter is his princess and that nothing will ever take her place in his heart, and he can't do it.

Somehow we're at the rose ceremony already, and I'm wondering if I somehow missed the one-on-one date(s).  Did my DVR screw this up?  Whatever, I'm not complaining.  JJ breaks some sort of verbal agreement the bros all made that they would let the guys who didn't have the dates go first at the cocktail party.  He basically rubs it in all the guys faces, telling them "I had to remind her what husband material looks like."  Ian goes right into his "I was hit by a car, but now I'm here" story.  Kaitlyn is very impressed that he didn't die apparently, and gives him a big kiss for not letting that car murder him.  JJ continues to aggressively antagonize the guys leading to one of them saying "Villains gotta vill" which just supplanted Amy Schumer's "turd" line and my favorite quote of the night.

Kupah is really frustrated with his lack of roses, and feels like he may only be here because he's a minority and fills a quota.  Way to distance yourself from any responsibility in your own exit, which seems more and more likely to be tonight.  He sits down to beg for Kaitlyn to validate him being there.  When Kaitlyn tells him she didn't think he noticed her, he acts shocked.  Kaitlyn kinda needles him about paying more attention to Laila than her, and he kinda says "well she's a big deal!" which isn't going to help him out at all.  He then lays out his quota scenario to Kaitlyn, who doesn't want to hear that she's keeping around for affirmative action.  Kupah, whose name autocorrects to Kaput when I type, is just about kaput here, as he says when I was watching last season, he thought she was a real person.  When Kaitlyn asks if he still thinks that, he kinda stumbles over his words and starts saying something about how hot she is.  Kaitlyn is not impressed.

Kaput then lays out the situation to the guys, and Kaitlyn can overhear the whole thing.  She's not happy at all, and gives him the ol' heave ho.  Kupah isn't happy, and says "I don't want to go home.  I think you're hot."  Whoops.  Kaitlyn says "there's more to me than that," and he replies with "yeah, and I like that stuff too!"  There will be no last minute stay of execution here.

Kupah then goes after some poor production assistant, saying "you're process probably works for Jared and Cupcake, but it doesn't work for me.  He then starts approaching the camera in a menacing fashion, and Kaitlyn apparently decides she needs to defend the cameraman.  What is she going to do?  Why does she need to do anything?  Where's that big bouncer looking dude that escorted Drunk Ryan out of the building last week?

Anyways, we end on a  "To be continued......." and that'll probably be less dramatic than we all want it to be.  I will say that despite there only being a few guys that seem to have any realistic shot of winning (Ben Z., Shawn, maybe the dentist) this season is working so far because of Kaitlyn's humor and horniness.  Also, I'm never going to try to work in five hours of Bachelorette in two nights again. That was just too much.  It is not a binge-worthy show.

Bachelorette Episode 2: And then there was One

We pick up right were we left off, with some over the top, Dark Knight-esque musing playing over shots of a gritty Los Angeles skyline.  Chris Harrison comes out and tells Britt by herself that she won't be the girl, which is somewhat of a classy move, not announcing it in front of the guys.  I respect the decision, but at the same time, in the ratings driven television universe, public shaming of a person seems like a no-brainer.  I don't understand how the show can exploit the hell out of people getting too drunk or outing some sort of poor decision they made in their past, yet pulls back some other times and does the classy thing.  Figure out what you are, Bachelorette!

Britt says "she didn't see this coming at all."  Either she was over confident, or she failed her probabilities class in high school.  Kaitlyn is happy, and yet her first words are "is Britt OK?"  Classy move by her.  In a complete lack of understanding of how the show works, Kaitlyn seems shocked that Chris tells her she has to send some guys home.  Kaitlyn then calls her mom, who tells her she's proud of her.  For what?  For being attractive and funny enough to get a bunch of horny guys to pick her over the other attractive and less funny girl?  Some parents are easy to please.

In another moment that has become a staple of premiere week, Kaitlyn tells the guys that she truly thinks that she's looking at her future husband in the room.  The guys all of sudden morph into "hey it's time for us to impress her!" mode.  Josh from Idaho makes a strong impression by giving her a steel welded rose that he made.  Kaitlyn thinks it's "hot" that he made a rose out of metal.  Harrison then shows up with the first impression rose, and Kaitlyn feels like she hasn't been Bachelorette long enough to have to make a decision.  I would think that the first impression rose would be the easiest decision (aside from sending the guy who drank too much home) they'd have to make.  Is he attractive?  Does he have a real job, and not a made up job like auto spokesman or sex coach?  Did he not bore me in the thirty seconds I talked to him?  Congrats, you get a rose!  How often does the first impression rose winner actually make it to the finale?  It doesn't mean anything.  Just pick someone you don't hate.  

We get a nice little segment of guys who wanted Britt trying to mask their disappointment.  Tony says something about how everyone has to drink from the same drinking fountain, but he's ready to head home to dig his own well.  I think that means he's gonna go home and give himself a long, firm handshake below the belt if you know what I mean.  I think you do.  Jared can't wait to tell Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt, which just seems like one of those things that you don't just come out and say off the bat.  I mean, I wouldn't lie about it, but you don't need to say "hey, I'm pretty happy you're the Bachelorette and all, but I voted for the other girl."  JJ says he was 1000% in for Kaitlyn and then tells her he has a 3 year-old daughter and thinks that's going to be a strike against him, but Kaitlyn thinks he's great.  I think he's weird.  Dentist Chris tells Kaitlyn that "no one is more deserving of this than you" and gets a kiss out of it.  Jared is starting to second guess his idiotic decision to out himself as pro-Britt (duh?) and wonders is Kaitlyn feels the same way he does.  About what?  About Britt?  Probably not bro.

The kiss count moves to two as the not-a-sex-coach Shawn gets the first impression rose.  Kaitlyn is not holding back...she's not here to play hard to get, she's here to get them hard.....hey-oh!

Rose ceremony time! Dentist Chris, Ben H., JJ, Kentucky Joe, Koopah(?), Daniel, Not Drunk Ryan, Josh the Rose Welder, and Sensitive Tony get roses, prompting some of the guys to get a little frosty that guys who voted for Britt are getting roses.  They think that the pro-Britt crowd should opt-out of the rest of the show.  Wonder if they'd feel the same way if the vote had gone the other way?

Brady, the guy who sings songs of spiritualism, apparently has had enough of this business, and one-ups Too-Honest Jared and tells Kaitlyn he was so into Britt that he's taking off to pursue her.  Hilariously, the guys think that he's back there trying to talk himself into Kaitlyn's good graces.  Also hilarious is that, as Harrison takes him off to find Britt, the sun is coming up!  What an exhausting process.  I'm definitely too old to go on a reality show.

Back to the roses, as Clint, Cory, Jonathan the Car-Lorax, Cory the Second, Second Ben, Tanner, All-In Ian (who made no bones about his pro-Kaitlyn stance), Justin, and Too-Honest Jared collect the roses.  Looks like Jared's bold move paid off.  That was a big risk, but he cashed it in.  If he'd been the second guy to announce he'd picked Britt, he might be going home.  

Moving on to scenes upcoming - they go to Ireland, they spontaneously jump into a pool despite the fact that there was a waterproof camera ready to film them, the go to the Alamo, she kisses all the guys, Amy Schumer! the guys are jealous, of course they fight, Nick the A-hole from Andi's season is back and apparently a major threat to win Kaitlyn, more angry dudes, Kaitlyn has sex with a dude who then runs naked across a golf course, lots of Kaitlyn tears, she tells the guys she had sex, someone burns a picture, guys cry, the dudes get lost in a hotel, more Kaitlyn tears, and a lot of "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person" comments.  I feel like these are things that wife beaters and child molesters say the first time they get caught.  

In any event, on to week 2!

Bachelorette Episode 1: Double Trouble

Welcome to yet another season of this incredible show.  I know this post is late this week, and II'd like to take the time to personally apologize to every person that contacted me concerned that I wasn't watching or blogging this season:

Grant, I'm sorry.

Ok, back to the blog

Despite the fact that the show is seemingly getting more popular with time, they nevertheless decide to mess with the format, bringing back not one but TWO girls from last season - Britt and Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn is probably best remembered for telling Farmer Chris he could "plow the f*ck" out of her field on the first night.  Britt is probably best remembered for crying a lot and not taking showers.  My memory of Britt is her literally crying when she found out she was going on a hot air ballon date because she was "deathly afraid" of heights, then having "the best time ever" on that date.  With the guys getting to vote one of these "ladies" off of Bachelorette Island, I have to wonder if the guys will remember how insane Britt is, or if they'll be brainwashed by her beauty alcohol.

Chris is here, and he hits the ground running, giving us the standard "most talked about, controversial season" line.  I gotta ask who truly views this show as controversial? Also, who's talking about it?  Even though I didn't watch this episode for almost a week after it aired, I had surprising little trouble avoiding learning the outcome.

I love the shots of the limo caravan bringing these girls to the mansion.  But now we get to the good stuff.  Let's met the "men."

Up first is Jonathan, who is an automotive spokesman.  Does this mean he is the Lorax of cars?  He's a minority and a dad.  Prime candidate for getting the "you are so great, but you need to be back with your kid because it'll get even harder if I don't let you go now" speech in week three.

Up next is a lonely farmer from Kentucky.  Basically Chris Soules with an accent.  I didn't even catch his name.

Firefighter Josh is the third guy up and OH MY GOD HE'S NOT A FIREFIGHTER!

Brady the singer/songwriter from Nashville annoys the hell out of me.  He seems like the kind of guy who believes that real life should be like the song lyrics he writes.  Also he looks like Macklemore, which is killing me.

Some welder from smalltown Idaho won't be around very long I don't think.  These girls aren't going to want a guy that reminds them of the #soulestrain they almost rode to Tinyville, Iowa.

Ian is our first sob story of the year, having been "left for dead" after being hit by a car.  Despite being told by doctors he'd never run again, surprise! He's chiseled like a Greek God.

Up next is some guy with dumb hair and an even worse shirt who asks his dog what shirt he should pack.  NEXT.

Tony the yoga dude seems like he's probably been told that he's going to the be weird sensitive guy and to really play up that angle.  Claims he's been "training for this" my whole life.

Personal trainer dude lost his mom twelve years ago, but still stares longingly at picture of her.  Hilariously, as he's flipping through pictures, he flips past one of him and his mom in a hospital bed to one of him with some dude at dinner that was obviously taken many years after she had passed away. Who vetted that?  And why are those two pictures even anywhere near each other?  Even if the dude keeps all his pictures in a shoebox, those pictures probably should've been in different shoeboxes.

Here come the girls, Kaitlyn in the black sparkly dress and Britt in the more innocent looking white dress.  Britt's dress actually looks like something at 15 year old would wear to prom.

I like the idea of the guys meeting both of them at the same time.....who do they approach first?  Do they have to have two pickup lines?

Guy one goes handshake with Kaitlyn, so naturally Britt gives him a hug.  It's on early!  The Lorax is next out of the gates, and he makes no bones about his affection for Britt.  Britt's digging him too.

In fact, quite a few of the guys seem to be digging on Britt.  I'm guessing none of them watched the show last season.  Either that, or they're conveniently editing out all of the conversations with Kaitlyn.  The way this is setting up, Kaitlyn is going to kill it at the party, and the guys will vote her in (by one vote of course).  The worst pick up line goes to the dude who says "hey Disney princess,"  narrowly edging out the dude who is wearing a headband and a tennis racket, who must have been so lame they edited out everything he said.  Also, stripper firefighter sticks to his strengths and keeps his mouth shut and takes his clothes off.  JJ tells Kaitlyn that he'd love to "puck" her.  Somewhat funny.  Some dude said his dad taught him to give a woman a tissue when she cries, and he knows how much Britt cried last season, so "just in case" he hands her a travel pack of Kleenex.  Might be the most tone deaf gift ever.

Kaitlyn says that she didn't picture the "start of falling in love" being like this.  Oh you didn't picture standing outside of a house with another woman as multiple guys hop out of a limo and size you both up?  This whole thing is pretty awkward...can we get to the drinking and over the top machismo?  Kaitlyn goes to tell the guys "hey hang in there, the fun part's coming" and Britt is all pissed off about  it, mostly because she didn't think of it first, and now she can't go give her own pep talk because then she'd look like a copycat, and here comes the middle school drama that Britt is so good at.

Tony the sensitive yoga dude, gives the EXACT SAME SPEECH to both girls, which is about the most insensitive thing he could do.  What a poser.

Time for the drunk person who has become a staple of every season premiere of this show.  Ryan's basically morphed into a skinny Chris Farley character.  Shawn the "amateur sex coach" shows up in a hot tub car, and I'm completely flabbergasted.  Drunk Ryan is not impressed.  Yet, he's completely enthralled with the next guy's vehicle:  Chris the Dentist shows up in a cupcake and says it's because he wanted to do something sweet.....that's much worse than calling someone a Disney princess.

The guys seem to be excited at the prospect of having two Bachelorettes, most likely because they could strike out and still have a chance a redemption with the other girl.  Kaitlyn starts off with a very, very bad joke that the guys courtesy laugh at, and Britt goes straight for the "I'm looking for my best friend."  These two couldn't be more different.   The guys talking to Kaitlyn are picking up on her goofiness and acting accordingly.  All the conversations they show with Britt seem to revolve around their children, or sponsored children.  One dude has a kid named Aurellious.  I wonder if his favorite movie is Gladiator?  I'm too lazy to figure out who it was or look up the profiles on ABC.com to see how many guys picked Gladiator as their favorite movie.

Tony the sensitive guy looks like he got punched under his left eye maybe?  In any event, he votes for Britt because her rose was "pulsating."  Some other drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops.  He gets my first impression rose.  I love triceratops.

I also love that the girls have to lobby for the guys while the guys are simultaneously lobbying for them.  It makes for a little bit more interesting opening episode, although I'm slightly annoyed with the three hour season premiere.  If they can figure out how to compress this into one standard two hour episode, that'd be great.

A nice little moment when Ben asks Kaitlyn about her tattoo and she says "you know, Chris never asked me about it once."  What the hell, Chris?  This seems like second/third date territory, and she made it to the final two or three?  Tattoos are incredibly personal things to most people, and it's an easy way to show you're interested in a person.  Even if you don't really care, you still ask.  However, I always want to know about people's tattoos, because I'm fascinated by the thought process that goes into engraving an image or word on your body forever.

Ok, back to the show.  Drunk Ryan gets confronted by Shawn the sex coach for insulting his hot tub car.   Let me type that sentence again:

DRUNK RYAN GETS CONFRONTED BY SHAWN THE SEX COACH FOR INSULTING HIS HOT TUB CAR.

Reality TV my ass.  In any event, Drunk Ryan doesn't remember telling Shawn him and his stupid car sucked, but he doesn't miss a chance to tell that he (and everything about him) sucks again.  Drunk people are the best.  Ryan continues his one-man race to the bottom by telling Britt "a lot of guys like her," referring to the Bachelorettes as a "couple a' hoes," and then tapping Kaitlyn on the ass and telling her she's "Ryan approved."

The guys decide that Ryan needs to go, most likely because they feel the need to protect the ladies who have not asked for their protection.  JJ tells him that he's being inappropriate, and I'm pretty sure Ryan threatens to rape him.  How do you not laugh at the guy at that point?  Apparently Chris Harrison also feels the need to protect the ladies, but hilariously sends in an enormous crew member/bouncer to escort Ryan out of the house so he can dismiss him.  Nobody is bigger than Harrison, you betta' recognize!

Dude who brought the Kleenex gets his time with Britt, and she calls out his Kleenex move for the dick-move it was, and they immediately cut to Kleenex dude telling some other guys "I like Kaitlyn more...she's more real."  What a sissy.  Also sissyish is Brady the crooner who says "Britt is a billion on a scale of one to ten."  He played baseball, prayed when his career was over, and it led him to writing songs that are "so spiritual."  Britt LOVES it.

Chris Harrison interrupts to let everyone know that the votes are in.....and I just had a thought.  Does Drunk Ryan's vote count?  What if it's thirteen to twelve and HIS vote is the deciding vote?  Although it looked like he just chucked his rose at Britt's picture, so I'm not sure if that's a vote for or against her.  We get lots of shots of the girls looking bored/nervous while Chris takes way too long to count twenty-five roses.

Votes have finally been tallied and the winner is.........
(continued next blog)