Even as I write this, I know it won't change anything. Christmas and Halloween have already won the holiday season. Thanksgiving truly is the middle child of holidays....it just kind of hangs out in the middle doing whatever it wants without anyone paying attention to it. My kids keep asking why we can't just speed ahead to Christmas. My son forgot the name of Thanksgiving the other day, asking me what that holiday coming up was called. My daughter has been watching Frosty the Snowman before bed every night and demands Christmas songs in the car now. I'm losing the fight to make Thanksgiving relevant in my own home. Maybe that's the problem...Thanksgiving doesn't have a hook for the kids. Halloween has the candy and the costumes, Christmas has the presents. Thanksgiving has turkey and mashed potatoes. Not exactly the kind of stuff kids go bonkers for.
I'm not sure how people have missed the boat on commercializing Thanksgiving, and maybe that's what I love about it. It's not promoted by the candy companies like Halloween, or exploited by everyone from Hot Wheels to Lexus like Christmas. Maybe that's what I like about it actually - it's a holiday just because. Now, let's break down the three major holidays of the season:
Federal Holiday?
Halloween: Nope. We all still have to work
Thanksgiving: Since 1863. Thanks, President Lincoln
Christmas. Since 1870 Advantage: Thanksgiving. GUARANTEED FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Stick that in your corncob pipe and smoke it, Frosty. Traditional Outfit:
Halloween:
Sexy snowman? Sexy snowman.
Thanksgiving:
Matching T-shirts for a Turkey Bowl!
Christmas:
Those smiles are masking some real shame
Advantage: Push. This one is too open for debate for me to decide. I love people's Halloween costumes (not just the sexy ones), but I think the last time I actually wore a costume was like 1993. And I'm not into the sweater thing. I just don't get it. I like that there's no pressure to impress on Thanksgiving.
Charlie Brown Special:
Halloween has the Great Pumpkin, Christmas has the Linus speech about the Angel of the Lord, and the Thanksgiving special has.....well if you can tell me one thing that happens in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special, you're a better man than me.
Advantage: Christmas
Music:
Halloween:
Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
Thanksgiving:
Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"
Christmas:
Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas"
These are the most popular songs of each season according to Billboard music, so don't get mad at me. Actually, Billboard didn't make a Thanksgiving list, giving you an idea of where it ranks. As awesome as Thriller is, it doesn't have much backing it up. Christmas gets a whole month for its music. Sure everyone's sick of it by December 15th, but for sheer volume, Christmas has this covered. Advantage: Christmas
Decorations:
Christmas used to be the undisputed king of this, but Halloween is starting to give it a run for its money. Also, the sudden, inexplicable rise of giant inflatable monstrosities is starting to tarnish Christmases once pristine reputation. Advantage: Halloween
Food:
Halloween has candy. Christmas has ham, I guess. But Thanksgiving crushes the competition here. This is a day that prompted John Madden to stuff a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey and call it a "turducken." The holiday itself is literally about being thankful for having food, so we celebrate by EATING ALL OF IT. Advantage: Thanksgiving
TV:
Halloween has a couple yearly specials (Charlie Brown, Simpsons, that new Toy Story one), and Christmas has a bazillion crappy celebrity variety shows now. Those all air in advance however, rarely on the actual day. Thanksgiving has the Macy's parade and then football....ALL DAY. Although it still baffles me that the Detroit Lions somehow secured one of the games every year. Advantage: Thanksgiving
Movies:
We don't even need to discuss this one. Advantage: Christmas
So upon further review, it seems like the holidays are pretty close according to the tale of the tape. Respect the turkey. It has feelings too.
This past Saturday I had the privilege of being a fan at one of the greatest sporting events in Oregon history. It didn't involve the TrailBlazers, Timbers, Winterhawks, Beavers, Ducks, or any other team with players who get paid to play (see what I did there?). It involved the Dark Knights of AYSO Region 870 squaring off against the Renegades.
Major League Baseball likes to promote its annual All-Star Game with the tag line "this one means something," a reference to the winning league of the game securing home field advantage for its participant in the World Series that year (go Angels!). As is the case with just about every meaningful "greatest" game played, something has to be at stake, be it a championship, rivalry, comeback story, "David vs. Goliath," matchup, whatever. There has to be a backstory.
The story of why this random soccer game between a bunch of first and second graders from Albany was so great begins about a year ago. My wonderful wife Rachel had volunteered to coach Jonah's AYSO team, and as a result would have to go through mandatory "coach orientation" prior to beginning the season. Nobody enjoys these things, but when the instructor launches into a lecture about teaching "the five principles of offensive play" to the coaches of a bunch of elementary schoolers, it gets even more unbearable. Rachel came home from that meeting with a very negative view of AYSO in general, thinking the whole organization could stand to take it down a notch on the self-importancy scale.
Fast forward a few months to the final game of the season. U-6 soccer games are just 3-on-3 scrimmages with no goalies and no score kept.....the idea behind this is to encourage having fun on the field over winning and losing I'd assume. Before the last quarter, Rachel and the opposing coach got together and agreed to let all five kids on their rosters play together for the final five minutes - because who really wants to sit on the sidelines and watch the last few minutes of their season? Who could see a problem with this? The answer to that question: Mr. Five Principles of Offensive Play, that's who. He saw this occurring from another field, made his way over to Rachel, and - while the game is still in play - proceeds to tell Rachel that she "can't do this" and that "the league will hear about this." Rachel is not exactly the kind of person you tell that she can't do something, and it'd didn't sit well with her. If he made good on his threat to narc on her to the league I can't say, because it certainly never came back to Rachel.
When this season started, Rachel noticed a familiar name on the coaching roster - yep, you guessed it. The showdown was set for the fourth game of the season. When Rachel saw that game on the schedule, she said "I don't care if we lose every other game, we will not lose that one." Keep in mind that score isn't officially kept for U-8 games either. No matter, Rachel does not like to lose. For reference, here is her reaction after losing a dance battle to her six year old son in Just Dance 2014 on the Wii:
The first few games of the season were a struggle for the Dark Knights. After dropping the first game 2-0 on a pair of own-goals, the team was completely overwhelmed in the second game, losing 6-1. Again, no official score keeping is kept, but we don't pay attention to that in this household. Coach Rachel was starting to doubt her abilities as a coach. From my sideline seat, I got the impression that the team was having a little trouble adjusting to the larger size of the U-8 field (it's probably twice as big as the U-6 version) and weren't really translating the skills and concepts they executed in practice to the games. I think there were more than a few times that Rachel and I discussed that she had a team of really good kids that just probably needed a few more games to really understand what was going on. By the third game, they'd figured it out. Rachel had asked Jonah to kind of be more vocal on the field. Our son has become a legitimate soccer nut over the past year - playing FIFA games on the iPad, watching Premier League games with me on Sunday mornings, begging Rachel and I to kick the ball around with him in the backyard during every free moment. As a result, he's starting to have a more advanced understanding of what needs to happen on the field. He took Rachel's suggestion to heart, even organizing the team into a wall in front of the goal during corner kicks without being instructed to. The Dark Knights prevailed 3-0 that day, setting the stage for Saturday's showdown.
Rachel was gradually getting more anxious throughout the week. On Thursday, she made sure to stress to the parents that they needed to have the kids there by 8:30 (our team has a tendency to show up just prior to kick.) On Friday, Jonah told me he couldn't wait to play soccer tomorrow, because he was so excited to "beat mommy's nemesis." By Saturday morning, Rachel was in a full frenzy . Her alarm went off at 5 am, so she could get her workout in and be home in time for me to go on my usual weekend 3 mile jog by 6:30. By the time I rolled out of bed at 6:45, Rachel was already back and showered. She says to me "You were supposed to be out jogging 15 minutes ago. Stick to the schedule!" Yes, ma'am. When I got back from my jog around 7:30, Jonah was already in his uniform and he and Rachel were having a rematch in Just Dance on the Wii, in which Rachel redeemed herself by crushing Jonah. "I didn't have that bad controller today" she said triumphantly.
When we arrived at the field 35 minutes prior to the 9am kick-off, I assumed we'd be the first people to the field. However, the opposing coach had beaten us there. As we set up the field, Jonah loudly asked "hey mom, which one is the coach you don't like?" Thankfully, nobody heard that, and Rachel calmly explained to Jonah that it wasn't that he was a bad guy, he just did things a different way than mommy did, and that she wanted to win to prove that his way wasn't the only way to get positive results. Then, the coach comes over to ask Rachel which sideline she preferred to be on. Up until this point of the season, the teams and the spectators had all been on the same side of the field for every game. He was adamant, however, that the teams and the fans be on OPPOSITE sides of the field. This guy is 100% by the book. Then, he comes over to Rachel with the referee to make sure that Rachel is OK with them instituting the "mercy rule" in the event that "the game gets out of hand." Rachel calmly says "That's fine, but my team's not going to need it." (Author's note: I LOVE MY WIFE.)
The game starts, and for the next forty minutes, I saw a bunch of six and seven year olds play one of the best games ever. The kids were hustling all over the field, plays were being made, and the crowd LOVED IT. I don't think I'm overstating the fact that Rachel's determination was felt by every single person there. The referee kept lauding the players' effort during the game, saying "this is one of the best games I've ever refereed" at one point. My dad, who is a life-long soccer hater, said "if every soccer game was like this one, I'd have no problem with it."
The game ended in a 1-1 tie, and nobody went home disappointed. I literally ran across the field after the game to give my wife a hug because I was so proud of the performance of her team. Also, I was pretty relieved for her. "I can live with that," she said, smiling after the game. We all could. I think she had a new level of appreciation for her nemesis too, as he turned out to be a pretty good coach who was positive and fair with his team throughout, despite the fact that we all had the impression that this was the first game they hadn't absolutely blitzed the competition. My mom said at the end of the game she noticed that our team's entire cheering section immediately stood up and cheered loudly, while the other team's fans kind of just stood up and started ambling towards the field to greet their kids, as if they weren't used to what they had just seen.
I didn't notice, I was too busy running to congratulate my wife and son, who both made me pretty proud.
I know that hardly anyone's going to be interested in actually watching the game, but I posted the whole game on YouTube because it really was a game that I think our whole family will be talking about for years. If you do watch it, I apologize for the poor camera work. I take my duties as a dad far more seriously than my duties as a videographer. As a result, there's many times when I'll forget to move the camera with the action and you get a lovely shot of an empty field. Also, the battery died with about 3 minutes left in the game. Thankfully, nothing of consequence happened in those last three minutes. Anyways, here's the game, broken up by quarter:
Remember the good ol' days? When what happened in the fantasy suite stayed in the fantasy suite? Yeah, I hated those days too. The new Bachelor norm is to make like Salt n' Pepa and talk about sex all the time. But that was the end of the episode. Let's start at the beginning.
I know I missed recapping last week's episode, but it could basically be summed up by saying that the producers realized that people were paired up quicker than maybe they expected, so they had to make up a bunch of drama to fill time in order to make it to the end of the season. This is why we get multiple women pretending to be infatuated with this guy:
Sarah was so fake-infatuated that she felt the need to break up with a guy who had been nothing but respectful and nice to her from the get-go (or at least once he was rejected by Lacy). Of course, he has conveniently planned a romantic time for them on the beach just as Sarah has decided to break up with him, and she abandons her plans and gleefully runs back into his arms. Jackie wasn't quite so Brooks smitten, but still marveled at the fact he spoke Spanish and laughed at his horrible dinner jokes. In the end, Brooks and his constant jokey chatter went home, and everyone was happier for it.
So now we're down to an even dozen, and Chris Harrison has proclaimed that the "game" is about to change. Of course they all act like he's just volunteered them all as Tributes for the next Hunger Games, because Chris Harrison is pretty much their deity - or maybe their dictator. I'm not sure. Anyways, God Harrison proclaims that the couples need to decide to break-up or commit to a long term relationship. Because there is no other option. Those who break up must leave the island immediately. Those that choose to make a go of it get to stay for a few hours more. That's pretty much it. The whole thing seemed like a really anticlimactic way to end the season.
But then Michelle, designated house mother/St. Bernard nanny from Peter Pan of the group, decides that she's tired of AshLee using her mind control boobs to poison Graham's mind, and let's him know that she's not right for him and he needs to break up with her. Graham's body language response is basically "OH THANK GOD SOMEONE GAVE ME A WAY OUT." Graham offers no counterpoint to Michelle's line of reasoning, and practically skips his way over to AshLee's hut to break up with her. Then, with no explanation of why, he tells her that "he doesn't think what they have will last once they go home." Even more curiously, AshLee never asks for one. She just kind of accepts it by coldly saying "I knew it. I knew this was too good to be true." This was probably the biggest letdown in Bachelor history - that AshLee didn't beat an explanation out of Graham with a coconut, then turn her wrath on Michelle for wrecking her dream of being a Stepford Wife.
So Graham and AshLee are the first to leave. In true bachelor fashion, once you're of no use to the show, you're immediately discarded, unable to say goodbye to the people you've spent the last few weeks hanging out with. After that, the domino's start to fall: Christy and Tasos, who have known each other for all of 42 minutes of screen time, wisely decide that there isn't enough to commit to a long term relationship, though I thought it was interesting given how into Tasos Christy seemed she immediately agreed that they should just end any courtship whatsoever and just hook up in the bathroom hang out at Bachelor functions in the future. Likewise, Jackie and Zack exit stage left, because Zack is an emotionless robot and Jackie is still the attractive/boring person she always was. This leaves us with three couples who have chosen to stick it out long enough to stick it in each other in a fantasy suite:
Cody and Michelle
Sarah and Robert
Marcus and Lacy
Michelle, who spent last week perpetually changing her mind about whether or not Cody was an obsessive stalker or the man of her dreams, still can't decide. So she decides to ask an expert: Her nine year old daughter who has never met Cody. This is a terrible plan on so many levels. TV and movies always display single parent/child relationships as more of friendships, where the child is inevitably much too mature for their age. Michelle seems to have picked up on this, though it seems like those extra emotional years her daughter has picked up were transmitted from Michelle to her through the phone, to the point that they both sound like eighteen year olds. Michelle says "so I need your advice about a super-cute boy named Cody," as if this one sentence gives her daughter all the information she needs to make an informed decision. The best part of the conversation was Michelle saying "I just don't know if I want to bring him home, remember how hard it was when Matt left?" If her emotional baggage were actual luggage, then she just left four suitcases at the feet of a 9 year old bellhop and said "carry this, bitch." Her daughter responds with the lesson she's learned from watching "She's all That" and every other teen rom-com on DVD with her mom: "it doesn't matter what he looks like, it just matters that you like each other and like to do the same things." Michelle acts like her daughter is some sort of relationship oracle that just showed her the path of enlightenment. "She's such an old soul" she says, her voice full of pride. Sadly, the only reason she's like that is because you turned her from a child into your bestie and forced her to deal with things like one-night stands and adulterous relationships with NBA players because you weren't equipped to handle these things on your own, Ms. Money.
Fantasy Suite dates go great - or so we're led to believe. There's lots of making out, Sarah hopes that Robert gets to know her "in every way possible - I hope he digs deep." Michelle ruminates on what Cody's junk look likes saying "maybe it's very muscular....like the Hulk." which sounds absolutely terrifying. Lacy and Marcus just continue to make out and let their skin soak in an astoundingly unhealthy amount of UV rays....how tan can those two get? Anyways, Lacy in particular looks almost creepy she's so tannish.
The next morning, Michelle announces she is sore, and then proclaims that Cody's *beep* is amazing and we *beeped* in every *beep* of that place. Your nine year old daughter must be so proud. Cody can't stop smiling and dreamily tells the cameras "she broke the code!" which really confused me for a while as I tried to figure out what secret message Michelle cracked, but then I finally realized that Cody was just referring to himself by his own moronic nickname "Code." This is the equivalent of me saying something like "She really devoured The Snacks," which is super gross and I'd never say that in a million years. Marcus is sporting a hickey. Sarah is pissed. Apparently Robert did not explore her cave of wonders the way she was hoping. He slept in his jeans and there "was no neck sucking" she reports glumly. At this point she proclaims that if a guy won't "dig deep" and suck your neck in a fantasy suite, he never will. Seems a bit extreme, but she can't sit idly by and let two other couples have sex while she's not. So it's splitsville for the two of them, which, to be honest, was inevitable. Sarah is so self conscious that she's not even willing to wait to see what could happen with a guy who has been respectful towards her. She's already convinced herself that he sees her as flawed and therefore will never really love her. Yikes.
All this leads up to Chris Harrison trotting out pretty much the only success stories this entire franchise has ever produced: Jason and Molly, Sean and Catherine, and Des and Chris (who probably shouldn't count since they're not even married yet). Of course they're treated like King Richard returning from the Crusades, and the two remaining couples hope to soak up all the knowledge of how to turn TV trysts into lasting relationships. Unfortunately, such advice is super boring, so instead they discuss what body parts are their favorite on their significant others and what sports they played in high school. Ugh.
Finally, it's time to give out roses. Perhaps my least favorite part of Bachelor in Paradise was the weird rose ceremonies where people decided they needed to exchange vows when they hand out the roses. Cody gives a heartfelt "I'm ready to be a father to your daughter" speech, and then Michelle starts hers by saying "Cody Code: you came into my life exactly when I needed you." Cody Code! Nothing says sincerity like referring to the dude by a silly nickname.
Marcus and Lacy are next, and Marcus is so choked up he needs to step outside. "I just wanted to spend a few moments alone" he says, as multiple cameras follow them, and the Bachelor Illuminati rush to the balcony to continue watching them. In the end, Marcus just wanted some soft sand on which to kneel so he could propose to is super tan bride-to-be. Hooray!
In all, this show was a success, even if they didn't really map out an appropriate ending to such a crazy show. Thankfully, they'll get another chance to improve on this year's surprisingly entertaining season: Bachelor in Paradise was renewed for next summer, after being the most watched new show amongst adults 18-49.
I don't care that this show is staged beyond belief. I don't care that these people are getting paid to fake fall in love. I just love that there's people willing to do this stuff for my enjoyment. It's awesome.
Let's see if we can pack all four hours of this week's goodness into one blog. The flip flopping between Monday and Tuesday's episode was impressive. For example:
Cody on Monday: Claire, I'm here for you and only you. So much so, I will give this date card away because I don't want to date anyone here. Cody on Tuesday: Michelle, it's you or nobody girl. I'm only here for you.
Side note....does Cody remind anyone else of Chris Griffin, or is it just me?
Michelle on Monday: I'll never find love! I'll never get out of Utah! Michelle on Tuesday: This thing with Cody is amazing. It's moving too fast!
Clare on Monday: Nothing will come between Zach and me! Clare on Tuesday: I'm out of here. Zach doesn't know what he wants.
Graham on Monday: AshLee is freaking me the hell out. I'm not sure I can do this. Graham on Tuesday: AshLee is like a sports car. I love driving her!
Other things that need addressing (in no particular order):
Jesse is living proof that looks will get you everywhere with some people. He fooled Jackie right up until he too Christy on a date. Christy then tells him how her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she found a bra in his bed (I'm sorry, but who are these people who forget their undergarments in other people's beds? When you're getting dressed after a covert humping, isn't that something you'd grab first? You don't just forget to put on a bra. Unless this was some sort of "Kristy found the bra but conveniently didn't see the naked girl crouched behind the laundry basket" scenario). When Jesse finds out that he denied knowing how it got there, he gleefully blurts "that's what I would've done!" Kristy, rightly says "so you've been in this situation before?" at which point Jesse just starts singing Shaggy lyrics and is saved by a "stray" dog (with a collar!), because girls love dogs and will stop whatever they're doing to pet them and baby-talk to them. Lucy then shows up, takes off her clothes and goes on a date with Jesse. Lucy says that he is "hot, funny, and smart." Nice is not a quality she saw in him. She knows he's a douche, but doesn't care. Somehow, Christy sees it as an attractive quality in men that they are willing to go on dates with her friends. Naturally, they all end up in bed together.
Lacy gets dehydrated and everyone acts like she's got bit by the Outbreak monkey. The girl straight up ran to the bathroom to throw up, and all of a sudden she needs a stretcher? Then Marcus is spooning her in a gurney while she gets checked out by a doctor? First off, if I was a doctor, I'd refuse to help anyone who was in an emergency room but felt well enough to spoon. If it's an end of life thing, that's different, but I'd refuse to administer an IV to someone whose boyfriend was rubbing his junk on her butt at the same time. OVER THE LINE. If they allow that stuff in Mexico, I'm never going. Don't trust doctors who encourage this behavior.
Marcus loves Lacy. He accidentally tells her. She's happy. He tells her for real. She's super happy. Does she say it back?
Sarah does everything short of sedating Robert and tongue raping him to get him to kiss her, and yet she thinks he's totally into her? At one point, she's sitting in his lap in a secluded pool and their faces are about three inches apart. She says something about "getting more comfortable," so he positions himself so that HE CAN NO LONGER SEE HER FACE. Basically he looked like he was getting ready to burp her. Finally he sees no other option, so they kiss, and she's super pleased to have won this battle of attrition. Of course scenes from next week make it look like she's totally into the new guy, whomever that is.
AshLee is still pissed that Clare had sex in the ocean with Juan Pablo. Why, I have no clue. Also, she thinks nobody will hear her say it because there's not a camera on her? Apparently she forgot about the giant microphone she's got taped to her ass at all times. Also, what does the fact that it's "caught on camera" matter? By the time Clare (or anyone else really) sees the footage, you'll have been long gone from the island. Such a contrived, bullshit story line.
Cody asks Clare on a date. Clare wants to talk to Zack to "see what he'd say." Zack says "I'm not going to tell you not to go." Clare says "well, what if some girl asked you on a date - would you say yes?" Zack's answer: "depends on who the girl is." Worst answer ever. Unless of course he was trying to get her to dump him, in which case, he's a genius. I vote for the latter, because when she did leave, not once did he try to stop her. In fact, HE HELPED HER PACK.
Jackie - so hot, so boring. Maybe this means she'd be the only person you could actually hang out with in a non-reality show setting. Maybe not.
Kalon (much like Lucy) was brought in just to cause a ruckus and get the hell out. Neither of them had any intention of staying. Kalon's whole goal seemed to be to test the limits of what ABC would allow him to say on air. ("I'm looking for 5'10" and some boobs," "I'd love to motorboat those things," and whatever that was he said about a "tight Mexican hole." Ugh.
Jesse's liberal use of the term "what's-her-nuts" was wonderful, and it may make its way into my daily vocabulary.
So, we've established how this show is going to go now: Every week, somebody new shows up and takes one of the veterans on a date. Then, as soon as that date is over, another new person shows up and takes the same vet on a date. DRAMA. The editors are earning their paychecks this season though: First the raccoon, then sound bites of Chris grunting over his "injured" knee as the lights go out in his hotel room with Elise. I have serious doubts as to the validity of his knee actually being injured, because these people have cameras on them all the time, yet they missed a significant event like that? No way.
All that was background noise though to the train wreck Michelle Money was this week. Let me sum up her episode: "What Marquel and I have is special. Nothing can come between us. Except that I'm going to encourage this new girl to take Marquel on a date. I can't believe he accepted the date! Screw him, I never liked him anyways. Secretly, I've been pining for Robert (who also happens to be the only guy not hooking up with anyone at the moment.) That's who I really want to date! Wait, there's Jackie! I wish she'd take her butt back to the mainland.
Nevermind the fact that we are not on an island (unless you count the Americas as the largest island since Pangea), I want her out of here because she's sooooooooo pretty. Thank God she picked that man-whore Marquel for her date...I hate that guy. Robert is amazing. He'll totally pick me over that one-armed insecure whiner Sarah....wait what? I'm going home? How'd that happen? Wait....what's Chris saying? He's giving me his rose because I deserve love? Damn right I deserve love. Even though every guy here had a chance to give me a rose and gave it to another girl, I deserve to stay here and do the other girls hair as they get ready for their dates. I'm not ready to go home to my daughter, I am going to stay on the island of Mexico until love comes my way. That next guy who gets off the plane better understand how much I love him even though I haven't met him yet."
It was exhausting watch her play the desperate old single lady. That next guy isn't going to be three steps into the compound before this happens:
Good luck, buddy. Hope you like biological clock ticking single moms.
In other news, Jackie continues to be the most attractive and boring person ever to grace the Bachelor show, Claire is distraught about her dad dying a decade ago until she sees a pregnant turtle, which apparently is her dad reincarnated to tell her it's ok to be happy, and AshLee has regained the throne of craziest person on the beach, although Graham slightly overreacted to the news that she follows his instagram feed. You could set that shit to private if you don't want crazy desperate women looking at your photos, Graham Cracker.
So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head! I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best. And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves. Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump. OK, here we go:
Robert - Was he even there? His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much. More on that later.
AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy. AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy. Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini. Who does that anymore? Do girls still own overalls? I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's. Why would I think this? Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:
Graham - He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself. In other words, he's full of crap. He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her.
Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare. The end.
Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch. You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later). It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family. If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm. It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
Marquel - Oh, Marquel. He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way. During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group. Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans. Classy. Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this:
Marcus - Still a dick. Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters. The guy is a huge asshole.
Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO. Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW. Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons," surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise. To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date. Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments. Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin. Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert. Best flame-out in a supporting role. Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
Clare - Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name. Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.) Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean." Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican. Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish. No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account!
Chris B. - Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose. Pretty boring actually. So why is he second on the list? Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon."
Elise - Where do we begin? With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces? As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much? Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?" Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is. Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?" Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!" I mean...it was just incredible. She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player. She's the best. Don't ever change Elise.
So Bachelor in Paradise is my new favorite "reality" show. It really only took one episode. Why? Let me count the ways:
Level playing fields. When there's only one girl or one guy, by the end of the season you're sick of hearing the same person say the same things over and over to different people. With multiple conversations between multiple people, there's a lot less chance of fatigue on the viewers part
Nobody worries about being there for the right reasons. If a guy/girl doesn't like someone, then it's on to the next one. Thank God for that.
The return of Michelle Money. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has ever given better confessional interviews. She's the best.
MIND GAMES. Everyone is just angling to stay around. If you don't have a connection with the Bachelor/ette, you can deceive him/her to keep you around, but in the end, you're going to end up on an altar with the choice of accepting it (think Emily Maynard accepting Brad's proposal and then dropping him before the rose ceremony, making you look crazy) or turning them down (think Brad again giving a rose to nobody, making him look callous). On this show, you just say your feelings changed and bang, you're hooking up with someone else next week. The possibilities are endless.
New blood. I love the bringing in of a new person every week. It's almost like a tournament where the best teams get a bye. If you don't like any of the guys this week, just flirt with one enough to make him think you're in, then pounce on the fresh meat the next week. But what happens if you don't like the new guy either? DRAMA
It's just brilliant, and kudos for the casting choices to ABC. Now for some first episode awards:
BEST PRODUCER AWARD
To whichever person put together that brilliant scene where Claire let all her emotions out to a wayward raccoon, who probably wasn't even there. Great job, ABC.
You talkin' to me?
BIGGEST A-HOLE
To Marcus. "HUH?" you say? Well, hear me out. Marcus' first interview on the show is about how he's still not over Andi. So much so, that he can't hang out with everyone else. In fact, he needs to be alone. In the water. Wearing an obnoxiously orange speedo. In plain view of everyone else. I used to play this game when I moved to a new school in seventh grade, Marcus. I'd get to the cafeteria as fast as possible at lunch so I could grab a table by myself and see who would come sit with me, so I'd know who my potential new friends were. It's basically saying "do you like me?" without having to sound desperate. The only difference is that we were fishing with different bait. I had bad acne and was socially awkward, and he has perfectly groomed body hair and eyes that ladies invent adjectives about. So of course some slightly drunk and horny coed is going to come over to say hello. You can't play the "I'm not in this fishing tournament, but I'm going to put my pole in anyways" game, Marcus. Then, he goes on a date with Sarah and makes out with her. Really looking lovesick, buddy. Then, when Lacy, who took your orange speedo bait, goes on a date with Robert, you get all "oh boo hoo, I'm getting my heart broken again!" and proceed to tell Sarah that you're into Lacy, but that she deserves a rose so you will give one to her. Translation: YOU HAVE ONE ARM AND YOU NEVER LET ANYONE FORGET IT AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HATE PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES. ABC of course makes him give out his rose before Robert, and of course he forgets all about who deserves what and gives the rose to Tits McGee because he knows she's going to be easier to hook up with. Nobody's forgotten that the lie detector indicated you've slept with over twenty women, buddy. He's an A-Hole.
CRAZIEST
AshLee, and it's not even close. Somehow convincing herself that because she's there to hook up with Graham means he's there to hook up with her is insane. Want to know how crazy she is? She's so crazy that no other girl will even talk to Graham, Claire backed out of a date to calm her down, and Graham is so terrified he can't even think about handing a rose out to anyone else. She's next level crazy.
WORST ACTOR
Claire. Look, we all know by now that ABC directs these people to say certain things or give roses to certain people. The key is that the people need to deliver those lines in a way that looks like they weren't coached. Claire is terrible at this. When she was crying to that raccoon, she's looking directly at a cameraman. When she said "I don't even know what a vista is, but I'm looking at one!" She's got a twinkle in her eye that says "I know exactly what a vista is!" And nobody believes for a second that you had a dream of yourself standing on top of some ruins. I love that she's on the show because she's willing to do literally anything the producers ask her to, but at least sell it a little better.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"She has this look like she's plotting how to kill you and your whole family, and it makes you feel like girl is going to lose it." Honorable mention go to Claire's "vista" statement, and Lacy suggesting that she's "80/40" on her decision, despite the fact that she has no decision to make since the guys are handing out the roses this week. In the end, it was Michelle's delivery of the crazy line that carried the day.
MOST COWARDLY ROSE
To Ben, who told Daniela and all the viewers that he just wanted to have fun and that he wasn't feeling a connection with anyone so he was going to pick the person who he would have the most fun with, yet when he's faced with picking Daniela or one-armed Sarah, he picks the biggest wet blanket in the history of reality television, and now we get to hear all next week from Sarah how she was really nervous that she wasn't going to get a rose and she didn't really know Ben was interested in her, so she is trying to fight the feeling that she only got the rose because of her missing arm. Even though that is probably the only reason she's still around. Thanks Ben.
I seriously can't wait for next week. After Andi's season, I thought I was out. But damned if ABC didn't do the damn thing with this show. I'm all in.
