Bachelor in Paradise Finale: The Fantasy Suite is Sacred No More

Remember the good ol' days?  When what happened in the fantasy suite stayed in the fantasy suite?  Yeah, I hated those days too.  The new Bachelor norm is to make like Salt n' Pepa and talk about sex all the time.  But that was the end of the episode.  Let's start at the beginning.

I know I missed recapping last week's episode, but it could basically be summed up by saying that the producers realized that people were paired up quicker than maybe they expected, so they had to make up a bunch of drama to fill time in order to make it to the end of the season.  This is why we get multiple women pretending to be infatuated with this guy:








Sarah was so fake-infatuated that she felt the need to break up with a guy who had been nothing but respectful and nice to her from the get-go (or at least once he was rejected by Lacy).  Of course, he has conveniently planned a romantic time for them on the beach just as Sarah has decided to break up with him, and she abandons her plans and gleefully runs back into his arms.  Jackie wasn't quite so Brooks smitten, but still marveled at the fact he spoke Spanish and laughed at his horrible dinner jokes.  In the end, Brooks and his constant jokey chatter went home, and everyone was happier for it.

So now we're down to an even dozen, and Chris Harrison has proclaimed that the "game" is about to change.  Of course they all act like he's just volunteered them all as Tributes for the next Hunger Games, because Chris Harrison is pretty much their deity - or maybe their dictator.  I'm not sure.  Anyways, God Harrison proclaims that the couples need to decide to break-up or commit to a long term relationship.  Because there is no other option.  Those who break up must leave the island immediately.  Those that choose to make a go of it get to stay for a few hours more.  That's pretty much it.  The whole thing seemed like a really anticlimactic way to end the season. 

But then Michelle, designated house mother/St. Bernard nanny from Peter Pan of the group, decides that she's tired of AshLee using her mind control boobs to poison Graham's mind, and let's him know that she's not right for him and he needs to break up with her.  Graham's body language response is basically "OH THANK GOD SOMEONE GAVE ME A WAY OUT."  Graham offers no counterpoint to Michelle's line of reasoning, and practically skips his way over to AshLee's hut to break up with her.  Then, with no explanation of why, he tells her that "he doesn't think what they have will last once they go home."  Even more curiously, AshLee never asks for one.  She just kind of accepts it by coldly saying "I knew it.  I knew this was too good to be true."  This was probably the biggest letdown in Bachelor history - that AshLee didn't beat an explanation out of Graham with a coconut, then turn her wrath on Michelle for wrecking her dream of being a Stepford Wife. 

So Graham and AshLee are the first to leave.  In true bachelor fashion, once you're of no use to the show, you're immediately discarded, unable to say goodbye to the people you've spent the last few weeks hanging out with.  After that, the domino's start to fall:  Christy and Tasos, who have known each other for all of 42 minutes of screen time, wisely decide that there isn't enough to commit to a long term relationship, though I thought it was interesting given how into Tasos Christy seemed she immediately agreed that they should just end any courtship whatsoever and just hook up in the bathroom hang out at Bachelor functions in the future.  Likewise, Jackie and Zack exit stage left, because Zack is an emotionless robot and Jackie is still the attractive/boring person she always was.  This leaves us with three couples who have chosen to stick it out long enough to stick it in each other in a fantasy suite:

• Cody and Michelle
• Sarah and Robert
• Marcus and Lacy

Michelle, who spent last week perpetually changing her mind about whether or not Cody was an obsessive stalker or the man of her dreams, still can't decide.  So she decides to ask an expert:  Her nine year old daughter who has never met Cody.  This is a terrible plan on so many levels.  TV and movies always display single parent/child relationships as more of friendships, where the child is inevitably much too mature for their age.  Michelle seems to have picked up on this, though it seems like those extra emotional years her daughter has picked up were transmitted from Michelle to her through the phone, to the point that they both sound like eighteen year olds.  Michelle says "so I need your advice about a super-cute boy named Cody," as if this one sentence gives her daughter all the information she needs to make an informed decision.  The best part of the conversation was Michelle saying "I just don't know if I want to bring him home, remember how hard it was when Matt left?"  If her emotional baggage were actual luggage, then she just left four suitcases at the feet of a 9 year old bellhop and said "carry this, bitch."  Her daughter responds with the lesson she's learned from watching "She's all That" and every other teen rom-com on DVD with her mom:  "it doesn't matter what he looks like, it just matters that you like each other and like to do the same things."  Michelle acts like her daughter is some sort of relationship oracle that just showed her the path of enlightenment.  "She's such an old soul" she says, her voice full of pride.  Sadly, the only reason she's like that is because you turned her from a child into your bestie and forced her to deal with things like one-night stands and adulterous relationships with NBA players because you weren't equipped to handle these things on your own, Ms. Money.

Fantasy Suite dates go great - or so we're led to believe.  There's lots of making out, Sarah hopes that Robert gets to know her "in every way possible - I hope he digs deep."  Michelle ruminates on what Cody's junk look likes saying "maybe it's very muscular....like the Hulk." which sounds absolutely terrifying.  Lacy and Marcus just continue to make out and let their skin soak in an astoundingly unhealthy amount of UV rays....how tan can those  two get?  Anyways, Lacy in particular looks almost creepy she's so tannish. 

The next morning, Michelle announces she is sore, and then proclaims that Cody's *beep* is amazing and we *beeped* in every *beep* of that place. Your nine year old daughter must be so proud. Cody can't stop smiling and dreamily tells the cameras "she broke the code!" which really confused me for a while as I tried to figure out what secret message Michelle cracked, but then I finally realized that Cody was just referring to himself by his own moronic nickname "Code."  This is the equivalent of me saying something like "She really devoured The Snacks," which is super gross and I'd never say that in a million years.    Marcus is sporting a hickey.  Sarah is pissed.  Apparently Robert did not explore her cave of wonders the way she was hoping.  He slept in his jeans and there "was no neck sucking" she reports glumly.  At this point she proclaims that if a guy won't "dig deep" and suck your neck in a fantasy suite, he never will.  Seems a bit extreme, but she can't sit idly by and let two other couples have sex while she's not.  So it's splitsville for the two of them, which, to be honest, was inevitable.  Sarah is so self conscious that she's not even willing to wait to see what could happen with a guy who has been respectful towards her.  She's already convinced herself that he sees her as flawed and therefore will never really love her.  Yikes. 

All this leads up to Chris Harrison trotting out pretty much the only success stories this entire franchise has ever produced:  Jason and Molly, Sean and Catherine, and Des and Chris (who probably shouldn't count since they're not even married yet).  Of course they're treated like King Richard returning from the Crusades, and the two remaining couples hope to soak up all the knowledge of how to turn TV trysts into lasting relationships.  Unfortunately, such advice is super boring, so instead they discuss what body parts are their favorite on their significant others and what sports they played in high school.  Ugh.

Finally, it's time to give out roses.  Perhaps my least favorite part of Bachelor in Paradise was the weird rose ceremonies where people decided they needed to exchange vows when they hand out the roses.  Cody gives a heartfelt "I'm ready to be a father to your daughter" speech, and then Michelle starts hers by saying "Cody Code:  you came into my life exactly when I needed you."  Cody Code!  Nothing says sincerity like referring to the dude by a silly nickname. 

Marcus and Lacy are next, and Marcus is so choked up he needs to step outside.  "I just wanted to spend a few moments alone" he says, as multiple cameras follow them, and the Bachelor Illuminati rush to the balcony to continue watching them.  In the end, Marcus just wanted some soft sand on which to kneel so he could propose to is super tan bride-to-be.  Hooray! 

In all, this show was a success, even if they didn't really map out an appropriate ending to such a crazy show.  Thankfully, they'll get another chance to improve on this year's surprisingly entertaining season:  Bachelor in Paradise was renewed for next summer, after being the most watched new show amongst adults 18-49.