Bachelor in Paradise: Week 2 - We have a new leader in the crazy clubhouse

So just when you think AshLee has a stranglehold on the crazy title, here comes Elise to knock the crown off her head!  I'm going to try something different this week and rank all the "contestants" for their performance this week...from the person who had the worst episode to the person who had the best.  And by best, I'm talking about my enjoyment watching them make idiots of themselves.  Omitted from this list is any mention of that absurd Michelle K. hooked up with a sound guy who jumped off a balcony that was 4 times as high as he thought it was and broke both his legs" scenario, because the whole thing was just ridiculous and that sound guy should have been fired but wasn't because ABC probably encouraged the whole thing from the jump.  OK, here we go:

• Robert - Was he even there?  His screen time consisted of brooding over Lacy's newfound romance with Marcus, and then telling Michelle he didn't think she drank too much.  More on that later.
• Lacy - Went on a date, bought Marcus' crap about how he didn't think he'd find anyone here for him, but then he saw her face and now he's a believer. 
• AshLee - Had less screen time than Robert, but made the most of it when she called Elise crazy.  AshLee, who has everyone terrified to even talk to Graham, calling another girl crazy.  Also, she gets bonus points for wearing overall shorts over a bikini.  Who does that anymore?  Do girls still own overalls?  I remember thinking girls in overalls were super cute in the 90's.  Why would I think this?  Maybe I watched too much Dawson's Creek:

• Graham -  He's like the wise old owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials - everyone comes to him for advice, and he'll give some sort of sage answer, but then he'll eat the Tootsie Pop after 3 licks himself.  In other words, he's full of crap.  He has almost this "I'm above being on this show" attitude, and yet there he is, trapped in a relationship with someone because she'd probably kill him if he left her. 
• Zach - Showed up, acted like people should remember him (nobody does), made out with Clare.  The end.
• Michelle Money - Pains me to put her this low, but her sobby "I left my daughter to be here" speech after it's discovered Ben has a girl back home was just painful to watch.  You don't get to act like it's hard to leave your daughter when you're spending a few weeks on an island resort hooking up with people and drinking free booze (more on this later).  It's hard to leave your daughter if you're going to war, or working on an oil pipeline in Alaska to provide for your family.  If you want to make the argument that this is the only way you can provide for your family because you have literally no ability to hold down any other kind of job, then so be it, but those were not the words that I heard.
• Sara - Shockingly, not one comment about her arm.  It's like it wasn't even there! Play me out, Keyboard Cat! Bonus points for asking, even though Elise's body language makes it clear that she doesn't want you to go on the date with Dylan, if she's OK with her going on the date with Dylan.
• Marquel - Oh, Marquel.  He's one of those guys that can't get out of his own way.  During the Ben fiasco, he and Marcus go to Ben, and honorably ask him about the letter away from the entire group.  Yet, when Clare walks up and says "what's up?" he immediately tells her and lets her scurry back to everyone else and spill the beans.  Classy.  Then, he tells a girl at an island resort that he's only known for a week that he's concerned that she drinks too much....while doing this: 
  

• Marcus -  Still a dick.  Spills water on Ben's bag (allegedly), so of course he has to rifle through it and read folded up letters.  The guy is a huge asshole. 
• Ben - Wears his hat backwards to play up his "bad boy" image, says he's totally into a girl, yet goes on a dating show to hang out with a bunch of other attractive women, has one of the most incredible turtleshell backpacks I've ever seen, reminds everyone that he hasn't hooked up with anyone and is only there to #YOPO.  Acts like he's too good for the show and doesn't need ABC, despite COMING ON THE SHOW.  Probably now securely #1 on the list of people who did not come on the show "for the right reasons,"  surpassing Justin the Wrestler, Jake Pavelka, and even Bentley as most villainous character ever on the show.
• Dylan - Expertly deployed the "I'm going to tell you it's OK to do something, then dump you for doing it" strategy on Elise.  To further grind it in, takes her "best friend" on a one-on-one date.  Thinks that date with Sara went well despite her constant eye rolls and sarcastic "this was fun" comments.  Sticks to his vow to turn down Elise if she offers him a rose, leading to one of the most awesomely-bad speeches ever, where Elise thanked Dylan for making her realize that she needed a man to be there for her through thick and thin.  Ends up going home when Sara picked Robert.  Best flame-out in a supporting role.  Really set up Elise for her epic performance.
• Clare -  Still coming to grips that she doesn't have an "i" in her name.  Continues to date guys, who then hook up with other people immediately after that date (see Robert, Chris B.)  Hooks up with Zack, and continues to say stupid things like "I mean, I am ready, but I could get more ready if you'd like" and "I could feel his commitment in the ocean."  Also says being in Mexico sort of makes her feel like she's getting in touch with her heritage, since she's half Mexican.  Still strangely the only member of her family who doesn't speak Spanish.  No raccoon this week, but fear not...the raccoon has his own Twitter account! 
• Chris B. -  Shows up, makes out with Elise, tries to play the "I've been a jerk in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to find 'the one'" angle, only gets a rose because Dylan didn't fold when Elise offered him the rose.  Pretty boring actually.  So why is he second on the list?  Because he called Dylan "Fatt Damon." 
• Elise - Where do we begin?  With her incredible statement that she likes the water because she's a Pisces?  As if anyone born in a month other than February/March can't like water, or doesn't like water as much?  Or with her not paying any attention to the legions of people telling her "don't kiss Chris?"  Or with her thinking Dylan's anger at her hooking up with Chris means he now realizes how special she is.  Or with her realizing that "holy crap, he is mad at me?"  Or her putting the blame for her actions on Dylan by saying "He put me in the shark tank, and I got bit...and it's my fault, but HE PUT ME IN THE SHARK TANK!"  I mean...it was just incredible.  She wins just for the final segment of the show really, where she offers Dylan the rose despite his continued statements that he wouldn't accept it, and then rambling on about how she needs to thank Dylan for reminding her that she deserves a man that will be there for her through thick and thin, through ups and downs, til death do they part, and then offering the rose to a guy who knew she was into Dylan, yet made out with her on the beach anyways, despite taking Clare on a date just hours before....a guy who every single person at the resort told her was a player.  She's the best.  Don't ever change Elise.