Monday, January 11, 2016

Bachelor Season XX: Week 2 - A Collection of Tweets

Remember the days before you had kids when you could watch the Bachelor when it aired?  Jonah's sports schedule has completely consumed Monday nights.  I didn't even walk in the door until 9:30.  Reality TV proved a powerful motivator though, and I got Jonah a snack, made his lunch, got him showered and in bed asleep by ten.  After watching ten minutes of highlights and analysis of the national championship game (in order to be able to competently talk about it at work tomorrow) I'm now ready to start this show.

However, I'm not really prepared to do a full in depth blog on the Bachelor, so you're just going to get a running list of my tweets from the night.  We'll see how this goes.





























































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Monday, January 4, 2016

Bachelor Season XX, Week One

Welcome back!  It's been a long winter, but now the sun is shining.  It's about to go down...I'm sure Chris Harrison has something shocking to tell us:


You bet your sweet bippy it is!  Ben is the bachelor, which means nothing because he's like the 40th Ben to be on this show, and rates about a -4 on the excitement scale.  Let's be honest though - we're here for the "ladies."

A few days ago I went through all their profiles on the website.  I crack up every time they ask a "fill in the blank question on those, like "If I never got to see my family again ______" they ALL answer "I would be sad."  No shit! Thanks for taking us behind the curtain, wizards.  My favorite was the redhead from Kentucky, Laura.  She had original answers, seemed like she grasped that this was meant to be fun, and was one of only two girls that said they preferred cold weather to hot.  She'll probably be gone tonight.

Who do I think has a chance to win?  Lauren!  There's four of them, so those are pretty good odds.  My leader of the group is Lauren B. who says that she loves love.  Another wordsmith on our hands here!

Ok let's get started.

Our season preview involves waterfalls, helicopters, lots of kissing, fireworks, and of course tears and  angry eyes.  Was that girl wearing a glittery superhero cape?  God I hope so.

Ben is 26 going on 50.  What a boring dude.  He's from Indiana he plays basketball on a the side of a barn, cause it's the Hoosier state, get it! I'll bet that's not his barn.  He shares with us that his first kiss came with a girl the night she broke up with him.  He's must be a terrible kisser, or perhaps he got really excited about that kiss and freaked her out.  In any event, that's a pretty short relationship.

Definitely not his barn.  His parents seem to be hanging out at a house on a lake, and look like they have never milked a cow in their lives.  Unless of course this isn't their house either.  I believe nothing ABC tells me anymore.  Bunch of dirty liars.

Ben's dad explains love by saying "I met her (Ben's mom), I said "wow this is pretty cool!" Ben's mom starts crying when saying she's been with "this man" for 32 years.  Happy tears?  I'm on the fence.

I love the shot of Ben standing by a tree as a combine rolls by on a lonely highway.  Why?  What's he doing?  Can you imagine if you were driving down a country road and saw some dude just leaning against an oak tree seemingly contemplating his existence?  I don't know what exactly I'd think, but it definitely wouldn't be "THAT IS THE MOST ELIGIBLE MAN IN AMERICA!"

Ben kills the "first drive up to the house" bingo by uttering every cliche on his way to the house:

  • He never imagined he'd be here
  • He never thought he'd be dating 25 women
  • This is surreal
  • Worried he's not enough for the girls
Brilliant.  I wonder if they have like a dogeared script from 2004 that lives in some Trapper Keeper with "Episode One"written on it that some PA says "oh yeah, here's your script for tonight.  STICK TO IT!"

I get Jason and Sean being there, but why is Chris Soules there?  His relationship barely made it past the end of the show!  What advice could he have?  "Kiss all of them!" he yells.  That's why you're single, Chris.  Ben asks some good questions, like "how do you not close off other opportunities when you find yourself interested in one girl?"  Sean tries to answer, and Chris just nods his head, as if to say "I totally should've done that."  Chris advises him to try to make the girls feel as comfortable as possible.  This from the guy who had the girls put on bikinis and walk through downtown Los Angeles to race tractors.  Chris is quite possibly the stupidest person alive.  He's the best.

Here come the ladies!

Up first is Lauren the flight attendant!  She seems great.  Her friend toasts her with a glass of wine and then says "hashtag Mrs. Higgins!"  Major deduction, for stupid friends.

Caila says she broke up with her last boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV and had feelings for him. I remember that time I broke up with girl after seeing Alyssa Milano on that show about the witches.  

Jubilee is an Army Vet.  She seems nice, but I'm guessing that maybe she's having trouble in civilian life.  This might not work.  She doesn't seem like the kind of person that normally does well on this show.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's not white.  

The Portland Chick reminds me how much I hate my hometown sometimes.  She's not going to get along with anyone.

The twins are going to stick around because they're twins, but pretty much nothing else about them is worth mentioning.  I hate them.

Amanda has an annoying voice and two tiny children.  She's divorced.  Seems like an ideal candidate for a 26 year old guy with no baggage.

Tiara is a chicken enthusiast.  She loves chickens.  She has a picture of Ben amongst 8X10's of her chickens.  "What comes first, the chickens or the Ben?" The bullet.  That's what comes first.  Kill me now. Who wants to be on TV so badly that they're willing to be branded "the crazy chicken lady?"  It's incredible.  

Sam from Florida is an attorney.  She thinks having a family is important because her Dad died from Lou Gehrig's disease.  This happened half of her lifetime ago.  I object to her being here.  I don't know why, but these people who break down into tears every single time they mention a dead relative bother me.  Maybe (probably) that makes me insensitive, but I blame ABC for desensitizing me to personal loss.  

Does it bother anyone else that these girls all seem to be best friends in the limo?  Hooting and hollering and giggling as they pull up, then they get inside and it's all resting bitch face and side-eyes.

The intros start and go like this:
Lauren B. - gives him wings
Caila - runs and jumps into his arms
Jennifer - Nothing worth mentioning
Jami - Laughs a lot, has a Canadian accent, says all Canadians know each other, says Kaitlyn (another Canadian) told her he has a really big....heart.  Ugh
Sam - giggles, mentions she's a lawyer, asks him "boxers or legal briefs."  Ben responds, and she has no witty response, just a high five.  NOPE.
Jubilee - Much like I thought, she has terrible social skills.  Tells a bad pickup line with a story about how she forgot her pickup line when she got out of the limo.  No chemistry.
Amanda - Ben's definitely into her, but she hasn't dropped the "divorced mommy of 2" bomb yet.  Not sure it's gonna happen for her.
Lace - makes him close his eyes and the gives him a peck on the lips.  He's digging it.  Definite contender. Definitely has the "I'm better than all younbitches" look about her.
Lauren #2: math teacher/stalker  Seems straight crazy.  Ignores Ben and continues on her mission to explain how much she knows about him.  I don't like her.
Shoshanna: Speaks another language (Russian), obviously understands English.  Wondering how longs she keeps this up....and at what point she tells him how her grandmother stressed how important her heritage is and why his family values are so attractive to her.
Leah: Squats in a dress and hikes a football.  Actually yells "Higgy Higgy, HIKE HIKE HIKE!"  I love her.
JoJo: Wears a unicorn mask, has no apparent reason for doing so.  Ben asks to keep it, sadly doesn't wear it for the next girl out of the limo.  Bad form, Ben.
Lauren #3: Another teacher, backs up towards him and tosses him a bouquet she caught at a wedding.  Lauren are not having a good run so far.
Laura:  Well, she got out of the car looking amazing, ruins it by saying "my friends call me Red Velvet."  Damnit, Laura.
Mandi:  The Portland girl wears a giant rose on her head and is the walking personification of Portland.  Something needs to be done about the flagship city of our state.  It's a menace, and it's only getting bigger.  As predicted, the other girls hate her.  If the states were people, Kansas and Nebraska quickly finish their drinks and quietly walk for the exit when Oregon showed up.
Twins:  So. Many. Giggles.  Act like it's strange that they've never dated the same guy.  Is this something lots of twins do? 
Maegan: Has a mini-horse named Huey.  Super nice, super country.  Not gonna win.  
Breanne: Calls gluten "Satan" then stomps on bread. I'd throw her back in the limo, right now, Ben.
Izzy: wears pajamas, asks Ben if he's "the onesie for her."  Yikes.
Rachel: unemployed, shows up on a hoverboard. AMERICA!!!!!!
Jessica: Nothing interesting, but gets the upbeat "this could be love" music from ABC...guessing she's a player.
Tiara: Says the Bachelor mansion is like Disneyland.  Neglects to bring a chicken.  Smart move
Lauren #4: Nothing special
Jackie: fangirls out at the sight of Ben.  Makes him a fake wedding invitation to their wedding.  #tohigginsandtohold.  #barf
Olivia: Really pretty, really sparkly.  Says "you're so tall," discuss dimples.  I like her.  Doesn't refer to herself as "Sparkle Satin."  

Phew!  Interspersed in there, we got plenty of cuts of Lace confirming that she does think she is better than all the bitches.  She'll be the one that is very fun-loving with Ben, and all the other girls form a cabal to figure out who should be sent in to tell Ben that she's not the person she presents herself to him as.

Ben's got 25 girls waiting on him, but he calls his parents.  Calls his dad "Big guy." I'll ask my readers, at least the female ones (so not you, Grant): Did any of you say "what a great guy!  He calls his parents while on a date with 25 women!" I'm betting no.

Olivia quit her job as a news anchor because she had no "zest" in her life.  She's the kind of person who likes to "throw a dart at a map and go." So, I'm guessing she really hopes this celebrity thing works out for her, because it's kinda hard to travel when you have no money because you quit your job to travel.  

The twins seem to think that everyone has a fantasy of dating twins.  It just seems like a lot of work.  Do they get mad when you call one by the other's name?  Plus, they're still sisters.  It's kinda gross, right?

Becca and Amber are here!  Chris makes sure to remind everyone Becca's a virgin, and that Amber was actually a contestant.  I mean, she's been on two previous iterations of this show, and I still had to look her up to remember who exactly she was.  For reference, she got booted by Chris early on, then went on the Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  She's the girl Dan dumped "Mesa Verde" Ashley for, only to dump Dan for Justin, the meathead with the horrible sunburn.  In the end, nobody wanted a relationship with her, and she was sent packing.  I see it going much the same here.

Like Lace said, "I'm not going to let Becca intimidate me."  No mention of Amber whatsoever.  She's the drunk girl at a party that nobody is talking to, but she's still there, drinking more thinking "eventually someone's gonna want to talk to me, right?"  She still doesn't realize that the next person she's going to talk to is the cop, asking her why she's puking in a mailbox on the corner at 2:30 am by herself while wearing only one shoe.

Why is Becca treated like royalty on this show?  I'm not sure what's going on with this.  At the end of Chris' season, she seemed pretty done with the whole ordeal.  Yet here she is again.  

Lace is slurring her words and trying really hard to get another kiss.  Ben's overthinking this and explaining to her his thought process long enough for Portland to come whisk him away.  Lace is starting to flip out and is acting like she's gonna fight Portland.  Thankfully, Ben intercedes and pulls Lace away to lecture her on how much he needs to her to understand his thought process.  I get what he's doing, trying to make sure there's no mixed signals going on, but it comes off almost like he's the dad explaining life to his daughter.  I'm of the opinion that if a girl is going to get all bent out of shape and fly off the rails on the first night, she's not worth keeping around anyways.  Let the crazies weed themselves out, man!

Ben says "any girl" could get the first impression rose, which is an outright lie.  It goes to Olivia, who probably would've got my first impression rose too, even if she went a little cliche with the "I'm spontaneous, I travel" schtick.  

I love how much Ben feels the need to tell every girl how gorgeous they are.  It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most beautiful people in the world are the ones that need to be reassured of their beauty.  Somebody pretty needs to explain this to me.  

Finally, the Rose Ceremony. 

Roses go to Flight Attendant Lauren, Lauren #4 (who now goes by L.B.), Caila, Amber the soon to be three time loser, Jaime the Canadian, Jennifer the unremarkable, Jubilee the awkward soldier, Amanda the divorced mommy of two, JoJo the Unicorn mask wearing, Pictionary playing psycho, Leah the football hiker, Rachel the unemployed hover boarder, Samantha the high strung attorney, Jackie the fangirl, Twin #1, Twin #2, Shoshanna the Russian Spy, Lauren #2 (or is it #3), Becca the royal virgin, Mandi the creepy Portlander, and Lace the drunk bitch.  That's it.  For the 800th season in a row, my personal favorite is bounced on the first night.  All because she referred to herself as RED FUCKING VELVET.  Who does that?  I hope she ends up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  She seemed somewhat together, would like to see more of her....just lose the nickname.

RED VELVET!!!!!

Of course, we can't go home until a drunken Lace calls out Ben for not paying enough attention to her.  She didn't get enough eye contact during the rose ceremony.  Ben, yank her rose.  Give it to the chicken enthusiast, or call red velvet back for a slice of cake, or give it to the mini-horse.  Just please don't put yourself through what we can all see coming over the next 10 weeks.  We're all gonna be at home like "oh here she goes again!" while you are calmly explaining to her how pretty and special and interesting she is.  Don't do it man.  Please.





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Monday, December 21, 2015

Lasselle Christmas Travel: Amtrak Version

Day 1

Well, the Great Lasselle Train Trip of 2015 is underway! I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.  Last week I was talking to my 97 year old grandmother about taking the train, and she told me some stories about her experiences riding the train cross country in the 1940’s, and it was cool to think about doing something in almost the same manner it was done 75 years ago.  It really started last night, with an epic packing session.  Trains (unlike planes) don’t charge you per bag.  You are allowed two checked bags AND two personal items.  Impressive!  Only problem is packing all that luggage around.  Rachel did some research and discovered that our stop (the station in Wisconsin Dells) doesn’t offer baggage service, meaning all of our luggage would have to be of the carry-on variety.  The website wasn’t entirely clear if this meant we needed to use smaller suitcases or not, so I called the 800 number.  Amtrak has an automated helper named “Julie” that is not helpful at all.  Though she never gives you an option to “speak to an agent” I asked her to anyways.  I was promptly put on hold and then had a lovely conversation with a woman named Louise.  Louise reminded me of Smash Williams' mom from Friday Night Lights.  She was super sassy and also very helpful.  When I asked about differences in carry-on vs. checked bags, she said “Sir we are not the airlines – a bag is a bag!”  When I told her this was our first trip, she then gave me a few more helpful tips, most importantly that trains are made of metal, and as such they get cold when the lights go down.  Also, pillows and blankets don’t count against your personal items limit.  I thought about asking her if it was ok then to put said pillows and blankets in a bag, but decided better of it.  Besides, our carry-on count was 3 (I actually measured our bags for the first time in my life to make sure they would fit) and our personal item count was 6, so we had a bag or two to play with.  Why six personal bags do you ask?  Well, because you can bring food!  We had a cooler full of sandwiches and snacks and another bag with popcorn and granola bars.  The goal was to make it through this 40-hour ordeal without buying all our meals in an overpriced dining car.  Once everything was packed and Rachel’s double sided checklist was all checked off, we headed to sleep, excited to head to Portland for our first train trip as a family!

After an early Christmas at my mom’s house, we made it to Union Station in Portland about an hour or so before our scheduled time of departure (4:45 pm). As we pulled into the station, we passed by a rather large homeless camp that was set up on the street.  The kids seemed a little confused why people were camping out for trains. 

Look how happy we were!
Turns out, we almost camped out ourselves.

The first thing Jonah did when we got into the station was try to find Platform 9 ¾.  He valiantly slammed into a wall, with predictable results.  I wish I had a video of it, but he did it too fast, and I couldn't get him to try again.  At 4:15, we made our way to the train conductor to get checked in.  She told us to go to ignore the people going to Gate 6 (our scheduled gate) and head to Gate 7.  That’s because they send families to a “special gate” so that we can board first and ensure we all get seats together.  She then told us to “get comfortable” because it was going to be an hour before we boarded.  Portland is the endpoint of the Empire Builder train route, so I thought it was a little weird that the train would be delayed before anyone even got on.  No matter, a half an hour wasn’t going to be that big of a deal.

The kids were not thrilled with the delay.  Jonah wrote in his journal about how dumb the train was.

It was closer to four and a half hours before we boarded.  Train gates are not like plane gates.  There’s minimal seating, and everyone else is left to fend for themselves on hard, cold concrete.  Jocelyn fashioned herself a bed on an old timey luggage cart. Rachel, who hadn’t been feeling well all day, really went downhill and curled into the fetal position on the ground, surrounded by our bags.  Around 6:30, they let us know the train engine was having issues, and there was no timetable for our departure.  Around 7:00, they brought us all snacks and water.  The snack bags consisted of some raspberry shortbread cookies, generic goldfish crackers, and a blue shiny bag that said “snack du jour” on it.  I was really excited to see what the mystery snack was.  It turned out to be almonds. (Insert Sad Trombone Music Here). Finally, around 8:30, a replacement engine was hooked up. We boarded our train and were off!
See if you can find Rachel in the picture on the left.  Jocie's makeshift bed on the right.

Once we figured out where to stash our luggage and found our seats, we settled in to our new home for the next 40 hours or so.  Jocelyn made friends with the boy sitting in front of her, a kid named Henry who was about her age.  They discussed their favorite colors, if they thought spies were on the train, and if the large building with all the windows we passed was a hotel or not.  It was a warehouse at the Port of Portland. 

While a four hour delay is not ideal, so far I’m really digging the train over plane thing.  A few of the pro-train arguments thus far:


  • Shorter check-in time - From curb to gate, it took us roughly fifteen minutes.  There’s no security check points, no putting your bags on conveyor belts, no showing your ID to anyone…none of that mess.  The station is small enough you don’t feel like you’re walking halfway to your final destination just to find your gate.  You could say that the drawback to this is that there is much less security: No bags were scanned, no IDs checked. 
  • Friendlier people - This goes for staff as well as other passengers.  Louise was one of the more delightful customer service reps I’ve ever talked to.  The lady who scanned our tickets also gave us a few train trips.  Everyone in line to check-in was chatting each other up, talking about how often they rode the train and where they were going.  A guy with a service dog was going to Minot, North Dakota.  An elderly lady was heading to Winona, Minnesota.  A younger girl was just out of some service organization like Americorps or something, and was heading to Minneapolis, Minnesota.  Jocelyn’s friend Henry was heading to Chicago.  Also, nobody seemed too bummed out about the delay.  Sure, we were all a little annoyed, but nobody started yelling about how horrible Amtrak was and how it they were ruining Christmas.  A group of hipsters broke out a hacky sack to pass the time, then used some Bluetooth speakers to have a dance party to some Bruno Mars.  Seemed an un-hipsterish choice of music, but maybe they were trying to be ironic.  Henry’s mom sang some song about aquatic animals that included wild hand motions, which drew polite applause from the other passengers.  When Jonah was having trouble locating a pen to write in his journal, a man quickly dug into his bag and handed it over to Jonah with a smile.  I love train people.
  • Space - OH MY GOD THE SEATS.  They’re essentially recliners with a little less padding.  Leg room for days.  Every seat reclines to about 45 degrees, leg rests come up, tray tables extend back to you.  It’s incredibly more comfortable than a plane, and there’s no middle seats….just windows and aisles. 
  • Connectivity - Allegedly, this train has wifi, but I haven’t been able to make it work yet.  I was hoping to post this blog from the train, but it might have to wait until we get ot our destination.  Also, there’s an elecrical plug for every seat, so all your devices can stay fully charged. 
So it was a first day with some good and some bad, but it ended on a high note.  Initially, we were due to hit Glacier National Park just about the time the sun comes up tomorrow, and I’m pretty excited to see that.  May be closer to lunch time before we actually make it, but that’s life on the train I guess.  Things just move a little slower.

Day 2

Our first (and only) full day on the train.  First off, all those people who told us trains were cold are dirty liars.  I went to bed under a blanket wearing a sweatshirt anticipating arctic conditions.  By morning I was in a t-shirt and there were a pile of blankets on the floor.  While the seats are spacious for sitting in, they’re not quite large enough for a 6’2, 250lb. individual to sleep comfortably.  If you are of these dimensions, I’d recommend dropping fifty or so pounds.  Although there was a guy who had to be about 6’4 and 350 who had no problem sleeping behind me, so maybe I shouldn’t complain. 

While train travel lends itself to sleeping (what else are you going to do?), the wake up calls start at 6:30 local time.  That’s when they start announcing the next stop on the line, and also let you know that the dining car is open and ready to accept hungry passengers.  Trains also don’t let you sleep in:  they stop serving breakfast at 9:30.  There’s also a lounge car, which I haven’t yet visited, but serves booze and fast food from what I can gather.  Sort of like the saddest convenience store you can imagine.  Also the lady who runs the lounge car comes on the PA system to let you know when she’s closing the lounge car so she can eat.  It seems sort of crazy to me that they don’t just have someone fill in for her for half an hour while she eats, but whatever. 

The PA system is a constant source of amusement on this train.  Trains may be an outdated mode of transportation these days, but it doesn’t seem to affect the moods of the people working.  Sometime early afternoon, a guy came on the PA to let us know the bathrooms in our car were being cleaned, and to please hold off on using them until he was done.  It’s not a big deal to head one car over and use their bathrooms anyways. A little later, he comes back on to let us know that the bathrooms were cleaned.  “To those of you who waited until I was done cleaning, I thank you,” he said.  “To those that came down here anyways, shame on you for not listening to the announcements.”  I found that pretty amusing.

To pass the time, we watched a few movies on the computer.  Turns out that the free wifi was a myth, and doesn’t exist on the Empire Builder line.  I suppose this makes sense, given that this train travels through some of the most remote parts of the country.   There were large portions of the day where my phone said “no service,”  so definitely download any movies onto your laptop/devices before you get on a long distance train.  The remoteness of the area is phenomenal though, and Jonah and I spent some time just hanging out in the observation lounge, which is pretty awesome.  It’s got much larger windows, and the chairs face outward.  As we traveled through Western Montana, Jonah and I marveled at the snow-covered trees along the river.  Jonah even saw a few deer running across a field, which was pretty neat.  Rachel commented that it was “pretty awesome to see a part of the country inaccessible by cars."  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, but she was absolutely right. 

The highlight of the trip from a scenery standpoint was definitely Glacier National Park.  While you don’t see any actual glaciers (unless they were on the opposite side of the train while I was looking out my window), it was still beautiful.  I hope to get the chance to go back and spend more time there, rather than just passing through. 

Once we were through the park and on the eastern side of the Rocky Mountains, the views were a little less spectacular.  No hills, no trees, hardly any snow.  As we made our way through Montana and into North Dakota, it was almost as if I could see the country getting older the further we moved East.  I’m reading a book about a guy who took a covered wagon across the Oregon Trail with his brother about ten years ago, and it wasn’t hard to imagine the Northern plains country looking much different 160 years ago than it does today. 

The afternoon wore on slightly, and the kids started to get a little restless.  Jonah may have caught whatever Rachel was just starting to get over, as he spent a good portion of the afternoon sleeping.  Jocelyn kept asking what else there was to do, until she too succumbed to the boredom and took a nap.  Earlier in the afternoon, a conductor had come through the cars taking reservations for dinner in the dining car.  Reservations started at 5:00.  By the time she got to our car (we were in the second car from the rear), the earliest dinner slot available was 9:00.  Between her taking reservations and eating time, we passed from the Mountain time zone into the Central time zone, meaning we wouldn’t be eating until 10pm local time.  We opted for the lounge car, which served microwaveable cheeseburgers and personal pizzas.  The pizzas are nothing special, but they cost about the same as a large at Papa Murphy’s. 


Day 3

Sleeping on the train the second night was a little easier – I slept for close to six hours straight, only waking up once briefly to check the time.  The first night, I think I got maybe four hours, all in one-hour increments.  The train does seem to be making up time, as we are pulling into stations about two hours behind schedule – pretty good considering we were four hours late from the start.  The conductors kept harping on this, saying "if this isn't your stop, please stay in your seats."  On the last stop before ours, somebody actually didn't move fast enough and missed their opportunity to get off the train and had to ride forty minutes down the line to the Dells before they could get off.  The conductor made sure to tell everyone.  It's like the Hunger Games on Amtrak....they're looking to make an example of any malcontents.  Despite this, I only heard one person complain the entire trip - a lady who was upset at how far her sleeper car was from the dining car.  She was on her phone loudly complaining to someone: "You know how I frickin' can't walk more than 30 feet before I want to frickin' pass out?  Well my sleeper is five frickin' cars away from the food!" Probably was the most exercise she'd done in months.  By the time we pulled into Wisconsin Dells, we were only about an hour and fifteen minutes behind schedule.  Just a short day remaining as we just rolled past the University of Minnesota’s football stadium, where the Beavers play in about ten months or so.  Maybe a second train trip of the year? The kids were restless, asking almost from the time they woke up if we were there yet.  The kids got a little squirrelly, but when compared to some of the other kids on the train, they were pretty well behaved.  About two hours out, I was able to convince the kids to watch a movie (Space Jam - for the third time) and that brought us home.  Rachel's dad was there to greet us at the station and we promptly capped our trip with a celebratory trip to Culvers.  

Happy Holidays everyone!
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Friday, December 18, 2015

2015 Lasselle Christmas Card/Letter


As is typical with most American households I would assume, my wife is typically the one who handles Christmas card responsibilites, and in most years, this isn't an issue.  She's got plenty of time to select a photo or photos, find a design that she likes, run to Costco, print address labels or (because she's awesome) hand write addresses with a Christmassy pen, buy stamps, affix those stamps, and get to the post office to deliver them.

I just wrote an entire paragraph about how much work goes into Christmas cards.  I had no idea.  This December has been sort of a whirlwind (more on that later) and there just wasn't time to handle the Christmas cards.  Plus, Rachel has a theory that the Christmas card industry is dying out due to oversharing on Facebook/Instagram/etc.  She's sort of taking an inventory of how many Christmas cards we get this year vs. how many we typically send out.  So, to those of you who sent us a Christmas card this year, thank you.  You're the reason I'm writing this.

So, 2015: best year ever for the Lasselles?  You could make that case.  We spent New Year's Eve at Disneyland - hard to top that opening!  Jonah really got into sports this year... REALLY INTO them. He played basketball and baseball, but his real true love is soccer.  He would set his alarm for before six am to watch games live in Europe, took a ball with him to school whenever he could, and wears a different soccer jersey pretty much every day.  Rachel coached his team (as well as Jocelyn's), and it's been great fun to have something our entire family can enjoy together.

  Jocelyn also found something she's passionate about: dancing.  She began taking ballet this year, and just recently performed in her first recital.  She likes the dance outfits, the shoes, the songs...she's hooked.  She is just as feisty as ever as she transitions from a toddler to a little kid.  She still has her moments where the toddler in her comes out, demanding that someone else go get her blanket because her legs won't work, blocking the television until you agree to play princesses with her, that sort of thing.  But she's taken a serious interest in learning to read, and is always offering to help cook meals, fold clothes, empty the dishwasher - you know, becoming a productive human.

As for Rachel and I, we're just trying to hold it together parenting these two.  I just "celebrated" ten years at the OSU Foundation this week.  You know you're getting old when you start talking about things that have lasted decades in your life.  Rachel also had an eventful year at work, which culminated last week with her being promoted to manager of her department!  She never ceases to amaze me with the constant internal motor she has.  She's one of the few people I've ever seen that tries to be all things to all people and actually succeeds at it.

So there you have it.  We had pretty fantastic 2015 - from Disneyland, to dance recitals, soccer practice, more soccer practice, tailgating at Beaver games, a trip to Wisconsin in the summer, more soccer practice, surprising Jonah for his birthday with a trip to see the Portland Timbers win an incredible playoff game in penalty kicks, our first official family camping trip to Elk Lake, bike riding, roller skating, 4th of July at the beach , and everything else in between.  Hope your year was as great as ours, and that next year we all are able to tell each other 2016 was the best year yet.

Happy Holidays,
photo credit: Ava Joyce Photography
~The Lasselles
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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: For all the Wrong Reasons

I can't even get into a top five this week, because it was really all about one situation: Joe vs. Everyone not Named Sam.  We'll get into that in a second, but first, a few other observations:


  • What happened to Ashley I? She was the unquestioned star of the first week, and I feel like we've seen nothing of her since....except for her weird way of peeing in the ocean.  Why not wade out to your waist and then pee?  Why squat in the surf?  So bizarre.  Anyways, we need more of her and her special brand of awkwardness.  Looks like we might get it in the coming weeks.
  • Clare's Raccoon This used to be funny, now it's just overblown.  Wasn't the raccoon in Paradise last week?  Now he's at her house?  It's just too much.  Also, her freaking out that there's nobody to love her has got to stop.  I can promise you, there are hundreds of guys out there that would date Clare.  Take this guy for example:


    She's got options, so don't act like the fact that a bunch of drunk fame-whores not wanting to hook up with you is the end of the world.
  • The return of Crazy Ashley S. I think this woman is quite possibly the smartest person ever to be on this show, and she's a HAIR STYLIST.  I think she understands people and their intentions incredibly well.  And I think she tried to play it straight for Dan.  But when Dan got bored with her, well.....now it's time for the circus to come to town.  And while I love grounded, intelligent Ashley, half-cocked, bird-talking, crazy-eyes, "MESA VERDE" Ashley is so much better for television.  The only problem is that nobody wants to sleep with that version, so her time on the show is probably numbered.
  • Bachelor Math Every episode, some cast member gives us a break down of who's there and who has to leave, like it's a freaking third grade math problem. There are TEN girls here now, and only SEVEN guys. That means that THREE girls are going home this week.  We know how it works, we're not morons.  Yet every week, they explain it to us like it's this big surprise. "Three you say?!?  Holy crap, I had no idea!"
Ok, now back to the main event.  You might not agree with me on this, but....I think Joe is getting a bad rap.  He's a douche, but is he really that much more of a douche than JJ (with his moronic pickup lines and misogynistic comments like "she's not on my plane intellectually, but she's got a couple nice assets that make us a good couple?"  Is he worse than lyin'-ass Josh who's poppin Molly at the club then telling Tenley "nah, girl, that was a one time thing?"  I don't think so.  It was revealed during the show that the cast members submit a list of people they'd like to bang, and ABC happily obligies like the madam at a Las Vegas brothel.  Joe was there to meet Sam.  Sam wasn't there.  Joe needed to stick around to spend time with Sam.  When Joe showed up, Ashley S was with Dan, Jade was with Tanner, Clare had Mikey/Jared, Tenley was occupied with most of the other dudes there, Carley and Kirk were joined at the hip.....he didn't have a lot of options.  He basically dangled that date out there like a worm on a pole and waited for a fish to take a bite.  You know who bit?  Juelia.  The fish that needs love more than anyone not named Clare.  She asked to go on the date with him.  He needed a rose, she needed to feel special.  Did he take it too far?  Probably.  But remember, guys were already starting to run to Juelia saying that he was a bad dude.  He had to say that he was interested in her daughter and contemplating a move to Oregon (we don't want you, Joe) and make out with her to make sure she didn't doubt him enough to give her rose to a "nice" guy like Mikey T. or Jonathan.  And it worked.  

Then, we had to go through literally four hours this week of people trying to get him to admit to being a bad guy.  First the guys have a shot.  Joe tries to downplay his relationship with Sam prior to the show.  The guys know he's lying.  They tell the girls.  The girls try talking to Sam.  Sam shuts them down.  Now all of a sudden, Sam is somehow responsible for Joe's bad behavior.  This is a girl move that I never understand.  Your friend gets cheated on, and it's somehow the other woman's fault?  I just don't get it.  Apparently Sam and Juelia were friends prior to coming on the show, but when Sam asked Joe to go on the date, Juelia didn't go over to her and say "hey look, we've got a good thing going, could you maybe pick someone else?"  She just let her go.  This is followed by the comically idiotic scene of Joe and Sam, who have MICROPHONE PACKS STRAPPED TO THEIR BODIES, trying to have a "secret" conversation behind a bunk bed.  Essentially the only parts of their bodies hidden from the camere were their faces and their knees, yet they think they're hidden?  This is the toddler philosophy of hide n' seek - if you can't see my face, I'M INVISIBLE.  Also, you could literally BE invisible, and we'd still hear everything you say thanks to the aforementioned microphones.  It was pathetic to watch.  

But the real absurdity of the whole situation is that people keep bringing this up to Joe OVER and OVER and OVER, but I don't know what their end game is.  To catch him in a lie?  We already know that he lied.  He's admitted to using Juelia to stay around to get time with Sam.  To get him to apologize to Juelia?  What will that solve?  Juelia isn't going to forgive him, and she's not going to get that time back.  Multiple guys have said "Juelia spent that time with Joe that she could've used to cultivate a relationship with someone who actually liked her back."  WHO IS THIS MYTHICAL PERSON?  They've all had a chance to establish that connection.  Mikey tried, and got shut down.  Jonathan made an attempt, but that went nowhere too.  Juelia is the Mikey T. of the girls:  everyone of the opposite sex loves her as a person, but nobody wants to date her.  The only difference is that Juelia isn't throwing herself at every guy she talks to.  It really seems as if everyone wants Joe to break up with Sam, admit he treated Juelia badly, and then GET BACK TOGETHER WITH JUELIA.  This is insane.  Nobody wants that, yet that's what they all seem to be implying.  

Now, if you want to knock Joe for calling Juelia stupid, for yapping about people being 35 and "running around on a TV show" as if he won't be doing the same damn thing if offered a spot in five years (he's 28), or for just being a caveman with hair products, go for it.  But this bashing of him for maneuvering to get a date with the girl he actually wants to date has to stop.  He made the case that Jared went on a date with Ashley, made her feel special, then went after Clare.  You could say that Dan is doing sort of the same thing to Ashley, only he at least told her he didn't see a future with her.  Point is, he's still sucking face with Amber hours after ending it with Ashley.  It's all crap.  They all want to be on the show as long as possible, to get atrocious sunburns and free booze and have a better chance of not having to get a real job when the show ends.  So let's just move on to something else, shall we?  I'm done with this.
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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise, Week 2: Put the Molly in the Coconut......

So this week continued on the themes of last week:  Lauren I. continues to hate being there, Mikey continues to not have any sort of a clue about how people perceive him, and everyone continues to apparently disregard every warning they ever heard about using sunblock.  Onto this week's power rankings:

Women in their 30's: I'm not sure when the switch actually happened, but the women attracting the most men are the elder stateswomen of the group.  Clare has multiple guys angling for her (or had, until her rambly speech about how her friends never ask her how she's doing or what she wants), Tenley barely makes it back to the cabana before a new dude scurries her off to some other part of Mexico attached to her lips, and Juelia....well Juelia has a lot of guys using her to get a rose.  It's like a four hour weekly infomercial for cougarlife.com:

Joe:  Definitely not the most popular guy around, but boy did he ease right on in to that villain role.  He finds the desperate widow who doesn't really have an attachment to anyone and makes her feel special to earn him a rose to apparently hang around to meet a girl named Samantha that nobody really remembers except for him.  Of course he says all the right things to her while telling production assistants that she's "not very smart" and sucks at kissing and all sorts of other unflattering things.  Joe's a jerk, but as pointed out on After Paradise, he has to do something to get a rose from a girl in order to even have a chance to connect with Samantha, who isn't even there yet.

Josh:  Who saw the drug thing coming?  The backwater yokel from smalltown Idaho gets a little taste of the nightlife and starts changing the words of Harry Nilsson's classic song:
Put the LIME in the coconut, idiot!
I'll bet that bar he referenced in LA that's passing out drug filled coconuts is pissed.  Juelia should take him out on a date, because you know he'll take her extra "e." (drug pun, and also a good reminder that Juelia spells her name wrong.) Of course, when Tenley questions him about it, he shrugs it off like it was no big deal.  If I remember correctly, he got booted from Kaitlyn's season after saying something to the guys and then flat out denying it to Kaitlyn in front of them, or something along those lines.  So it isn't this guy's first rodeo with "misremembering" what happened.  Of course Tenley gives him the rose, apparently oblivious to red flags.

Ashley S:  Count me among the people who think the whack job thing is basically her Verbal Kint persona that hides the Keyser Soze underneath.   Once she got on the Bachelor with Chris Soules, she realized he was a doof and had to get out of there....but how to do it while still ensuring she would get the level of fame that would allow her to continue to capitalize on her appearance?  Act like a psychopath.  As a result, she goes Mesa Verde on people and talks to animals, parlays the nutjob act into a spot on Bachelor in Paradise, where she meets Dan, a guy with an acutal personality, talks to a few parakeets for effect, and poof....she's happy and can collect appearance fees for the next couple years.  She seems like an actually intelligent person, and one of the first people to see through Joe.

Jonathan:  This guy.  He goes from playing the token minority guy on Kaitlyn's season, to Mr. "I've had threesomes with sisters and, oh yeah, did I mention I've bagged my fair share of virgins?" in the first week, to Joe's patsy in the second week.  Did Joe have his kid tied up in a Brooklyn basement? (Notorious BIG "Hypnotize" reference)  I just didn't get it.  He's crying and apologizing to Joe for what?  For telling Juelia what he observed?  It was all so weird.  Also weird was his spot on After Paradise, where Mean Jenny from Twitter says that Joe did him a favor by making him likeable again after the "virgin" comments.  No.  This is not true.  He's not likeable, he's an idiot.  This guy can't think for himself.  I'm worried about his child.  

After Paradise:  Tenley was the star of this week's episode, but I really felt bad for her as they continued to bring up the fact that her ex dumped her and put a baby in a new girl a few months later.  "Didn't your ex have a baby the same day this show debuted?  How do you feel about that?"  Why do they ask these questions?  Then, when she says that she has no animosity towards them, and that the new girl is actually quite nice, Mean Jenny from Twitter screams "so what, you're gonna babysit for them?"  No, idiot.  Mean Jenny annoys the crap out of me.  Also, Tenley seems like the kind of girl that guys on reality shows like the idea of:  cute, nice, energetic, normal.  If the guys are Brad Pitt (they're not, but just go with me), she's Jennifer Anniston.  You know how that ended up:  she got Jolie'd right out of that relationship.  Juelia is an Anniston too.  I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to both of them here in the coming weeks.

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Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise, Week One - We need to talk about After Paradise

So we're off and running on Bachelor in Paradise.  It's pretty fantastic....in fact, it almost always seems to rejuvenate my love-hate relationship with this franchise after slogging through the regular shows, which always seem about three episodes too long.  It always seems like the more serious the relationships become on the Bachelor/ette, the less interesting they get.  However, there's no marriage /commitment pressure in Paradise, so people are more willing to be flippant with their affection, and it makes for some great "eh...he'll do" hookups.  Likewise, with a more equal distribution of the sexes, there's more opportunities for sparks to fly.  Nothing's better than the "I really hit it off with this dude, he's AMAZING, and I think he feels the same about me!" followed by some new floozy coming in with a date card and taking Mr. Perfect out to a sexy salsa dancing class.  The heat, humidity, hormones and hooch (the 4 H's of good summer TV) all combine for some truly epic meltdowns.

I'm not going to go into a long breakdown of the episodes, but let's do a power rankings of the competitors:

Ashley I: Unquestioned star of the show.  Refers to anyone over 30 as an "old lady," actually said the sentence "I could give a crap about Cinderella, Jasmine is MY princess!", and when feeling her relationship with Jared was threatened says she needs to "get drunk and claim my steak."  Methinks she might've already been drunk.
Claim it!
Mikey T: Call him a meathead, call him a beefheart, call him Jersey Shore, whatever you call him, he's hilarious.  He referred to himself as the Alpha Male, despite the fact that he takes almost no steps to establish dominance over anyone, in fact at one point giving Tenley advice on how to get another man to notice her.  Once he set his sights on Lauren, his first thought is to take his shirt off.  However, he can't just simply take his shirt off - he has to ANNOUNCE that he's taking his shirt off to make sure everyone gets a good look.  Furthermore, I don't know that there's any time a man should be shirtless while wearing slacks/khakis regardless of his physique.  Jeans are a bit of a gray area for me, I'll need some sort of ruling from someone who is physically attracted to men.  But really he takes the second spot for his performance on the date with Clare, when he said his favorite position was  the "Downward Clare" and then lets everyone at home know that he really wants to have sex with her in that position.  Such a classy individual.  Even better, after Clare lets him know that she's there to "explore every opportunity" and hasn't had a chance to talk to some of the guys yet, Mikey responds with "I really want to kiss you right now."  I don't think he heard a single word she said.  It's like his brain only processes visual stimulation.  I love this guy.

Kirk/Carley: Goddamnit, I actually like these two.  They act like normal people.  Teasing each other about their quirks, awkwardly trying to figure out the right time to kiss, and making fun of the other people there.  I hope they make it.

Jared:  Ashley I., Tenley, Clare......really?  How is this guy the "it" guy this season?  He's not particularly funny, he kind of looks like a rodent (not his fault, but still) and he stubbornly wears facial hair despite the fact that it looks awful on him.  I just don't get it.  He is nice, which is an honest to goodness quality that is desirable in the real world, but typically not catnip for desperate women on a reality show.  

Lauren I: pains me to include her here, but nobody else really did anything memorable (Ashley "MESA VERDE" S.  got sent to the  ER and even that was pretty boring!) and she was at least interesting, from her opening "I'm the opposite of a virgin" statement, to her confusing "I hate being here attitude" despite there being no real reason for her to have come in the first place, to the almost constant pleasure she derives from tearing apart what little self esteem her older sister has.  

Most Unexpected Moment: Jonathan letting us know he's had a threesome with two sisters, and that it didn't feel nearly as "dirty" as he thought it would, and then letting us know that he's been intimate with a couple of virigins too, and that while they "might require a little more work" they're also fun.   Where the hell did that come from?  Like nothing that happened on Kaitlyn's season led you to believe that this guy was the type of guy to casually brag about his sexual conquests, especially since he got absolutely nowhere with Kaitlyn and has yet to even talk to a girl on the show that I've seen.  I'm tempted to call shenanigans in on his Penthouse confessions.

After Paradise:  THIS WAS AMAZING.  I've never really been into these "after the show" things before...in fact I go out of my way to avoid shows like Talking Dead, but I may have to re-evaluate my stance after watching this.  It was incredible.  The unquestioned star of the show was the lady whose name I  didn't get, but she's essentially a female me who just talks crap about the show and its contestant and someone decided it'd be a good idea to let her say these things to people's faces.  I figured she might be a little tentative and hesitant in her first national TV appearance, but homegirl took her earrings off and got FIERCE.  She made really off color sexual innuendos (the chicken or the egg comment was incredible), she said Jillian had a hairy ass or a penis (or both!), and just basically said the most "OMG" statement she could think off as fast as possible before Harrison could cut her off.  She's definitely that friend that you have that everyone invites to parties, has a ton of followers on Twitter, is super fun to be around, but inevitably gets way too wasted and has to be helped out of the bar and ends up sleeping alone on her own couch every night.  I picture some guy asking her friends about her, and the girlfriends saying "she's amazing!  So funny, smart, sexy....I LOVE HER!" and then when the guy asks to be set up with her, the girlfriends all look at each other and say "yeah......well.......I'm just not sure she's your type......" because she's such a disaster in one on one situations.  It's fascinating television.  
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