You bet your sweet bippy it is! Ben is the bachelor, which means nothing because he's like the 40th Ben to be on this show, and rates about a -4 on the excitement scale. Let's be honest though - we're here for the "ladies."
A few days ago I went through all their profiles on the website. I crack up every time they ask a "fill in the blank question on those, like "If I never got to see my family again ______" they ALL answer "I would be sad." No shit! Thanks for taking us behind the curtain, wizards. My favorite was the redhead from Kentucky, Laura. She had original answers, seemed like she grasped that this was meant to be fun, and was one of only two girls that said they preferred cold weather to hot. She'll probably be gone tonight.
Who do I think has a chance to win? Lauren! There's four of them, so those are pretty good odds. My leader of the group is Lauren B. who says that she loves love. Another wordsmith on our hands here!
Ok let's get started.
Our season preview involves waterfalls, helicopters, lots of kissing, fireworks, and of course tears and angry eyes. Was that girl wearing a glittery superhero cape? God I hope so.
Ben is 26 going on 50. What a boring dude. He's from Indiana he plays basketball on a the side of a barn, cause it's the Hoosier state, get it! I'll bet that's not his barn. He shares with us that his first kiss came with a girl the night she broke up with him. He's must be a terrible kisser, or perhaps he got really excited about that kiss and freaked her out. In any event, that's a pretty short relationship.
Definitely not his barn. His parents seem to be hanging out at a house on a lake, and look like they have never milked a cow in their lives. Unless of course this isn't their house either. I believe nothing ABC tells me anymore. Bunch of dirty liars.
Ben's dad explains love by saying "I met her (Ben's mom), I said "wow this is pretty cool!" Ben's mom starts crying when saying she's been with "this man" for 32 years. Happy tears? I'm on the fence.
I love the shot of Ben standing by a tree as a combine rolls by on a lonely highway. Why? What's he doing? Can you imagine if you were driving down a country road and saw some dude just leaning against an oak tree seemingly contemplating his existence? I don't know what exactly I'd think, but it definitely wouldn't be "THAT IS THE MOST ELIGIBLE MAN IN AMERICA!"
Ben kills the "first drive up to the house" bingo by uttering every cliche on his way to the house:
- He never imagined he'd be here
- He never thought he'd be dating 25 women
- This is surreal
- Worried he's not enough for the girls
Brilliant. I wonder if they have like a dogeared script from 2004 that lives in some Trapper Keeper with "Episode One"written on it that some PA says "oh yeah, here's your script for tonight. STICK TO IT!"
I get Jason and Sean being there, but why is Chris Soules there? His relationship barely made it past the end of the show! What advice could he have? "Kiss all of them!" he yells. That's why you're single, Chris. Ben asks some good questions, like "how do you not close off other opportunities when you find yourself interested in one girl?" Sean tries to answer, and Chris just nods his head, as if to say "I totally should've done that." Chris advises him to try to make the girls feel as comfortable as possible. This from the guy who had the girls put on bikinis and walk through downtown Los Angeles to race tractors. Chris is quite possibly the stupidest person alive. He's the best.
Here come the ladies!
Up first is Lauren the flight attendant! She seems great. Her friend toasts her with a glass of wine and then says "hashtag Mrs. Higgins!" Major deduction, for stupid friends.
Caila says she broke up with her last boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV and had feelings for him. I remember that time I broke up with girl after seeing Alyssa Milano on that show about the witches.
Jubilee is an Army Vet. She seems nice, but I'm guessing that maybe she's having trouble in civilian life. This might not work. She doesn't seem like the kind of person that normally does well on this show. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's not white.
The Portland Chick reminds me how much I hate my hometown sometimes. She's not going to get along with anyone.
The twins are going to stick around because they're twins, but pretty much nothing else about them is worth mentioning. I hate them.
Amanda has an annoying voice and two tiny children. She's divorced. Seems like an ideal candidate for a 26 year old guy with no baggage.
Tiara is a chicken enthusiast. She loves chickens. She has a picture of Ben amongst 8X10's of her chickens. "What comes first, the chickens or the Ben?" The bullet. That's what comes first. Kill me now. Who wants to be on TV so badly that they're willing to be branded "the crazy chicken lady?" It's incredible.
Sam from Florida is an attorney. She thinks having a family is important because her Dad died from Lou Gehrig's disease. This happened half of her lifetime ago. I object to her being here. I don't know why, but these people who break down into tears every single time they mention a dead relative bother me. Maybe (probably) that makes me insensitive, but I blame ABC for desensitizing me to personal loss.
Does it bother anyone else that these girls all seem to be best friends in the limo? Hooting and hollering and giggling as they pull up, then they get inside and it's all resting bitch face and side-eyes.
The intros start and go like this:
Lauren B. - gives him wings
Caila - runs and jumps into his arms
Jennifer - Nothing worth mentioning
Jami - Laughs a lot, has a Canadian accent, says all Canadians know each other, says Kaitlyn (another Canadian) told her he has a really big....heart. Ugh
Sam - giggles, mentions she's a lawyer, asks him "boxers or legal briefs." Ben responds, and she has no witty response, just a high five. NOPE.
Jubilee - Much like I thought, she has terrible social skills. Tells a bad pickup line with a story about how she forgot her pickup line when she got out of the limo. No chemistry.
Amanda - Ben's definitely into her, but she hasn't dropped the "divorced mommy of 2" bomb yet. Not sure it's gonna happen for her.
Lace - makes him close his eyes and the gives him a peck on the lips. He's digging it. Definite contender. Definitely has the "I'm better than all younbitches" look about her.
Lauren #2: math teacher/stalker Seems straight crazy. Ignores Ben and continues on her mission to explain how much she knows about him. I don't like her.
Shoshanna: Speaks another language (Russian), obviously understands English. Wondering how longs she keeps this up....and at what point she tells him how her grandmother stressed how important her heritage is and why his family values are so attractive to her.
Leah: Squats in a dress and hikes a football. Actually yells "Higgy Higgy, HIKE HIKE HIKE!" I love her.
JoJo: Wears a unicorn mask, has no apparent reason for doing so. Ben asks to keep it, sadly doesn't wear it for the next girl out of the limo. Bad form, Ben.
Lauren #3: Another teacher, backs up towards him and tosses him a bouquet she caught at a wedding. Lauren are not having a good run so far.
Laura: Well, she got out of the car looking amazing, ruins it by saying "my friends call me Red Velvet." Damnit, Laura.
Mandi: The Portland girl wears a giant rose on her head and is the walking personification of Portland. Something needs to be done about the flagship city of our state. It's a menace, and it's only getting bigger. As predicted, the other girls hate her. If the states were people, Kansas and Nebraska quickly finish their drinks and quietly walk for the exit when Oregon showed up.
Twins: So. Many. Giggles. Act like it's strange that they've never dated the same guy. Is this something lots of twins do?
Maegan: Has a mini-horse named Huey. Super nice, super country. Not gonna win.
Breanne: Calls gluten "Satan" then stomps on bread. I'd throw her back in the limo, right now, Ben.
Izzy: wears pajamas, asks Ben if he's "the onesie for her." Yikes.
Rachel: unemployed, shows up on a hoverboard. AMERICA!!!!!!
Jessica: Nothing interesting, but gets the upbeat "this could be love" music from ABC...guessing she's a player.
Tiara: Says the Bachelor mansion is like Disneyland. Neglects to bring a chicken. Smart move
Lauren #4: Nothing special
Jackie: fangirls out at the sight of Ben. Makes him a fake wedding invitation to their wedding. #tohigginsandtohold. #barf
Olivia: Really pretty, really sparkly. Says "you're so tall," discuss dimples. I like her. Doesn't refer to herself as "Sparkle Satin."
Phew! Interspersed in there, we got plenty of cuts of Lace confirming that she does think she is better than all the bitches. She'll be the one that is very fun-loving with Ben, and all the other girls form a cabal to figure out who should be sent in to tell Ben that she's not the person she presents herself to him as.
Ben's got 25 girls waiting on him, but he calls his parents. Calls his dad "Big guy." I'll ask my readers, at least the female ones (so not you, Grant): Did any of you say "what a great guy! He calls his parents while on a date with 25 women!" I'm betting no.
Olivia quit her job as a news anchor because she had no "zest" in her life. She's the kind of person who likes to "throw a dart at a map and go." So, I'm guessing she really hopes this celebrity thing works out for her, because it's kinda hard to travel when you have no money because you quit your job to travel.
The twins seem to think that everyone has a fantasy of dating twins. It just seems like a lot of work. Do they get mad when you call one by the other's name? Plus, they're still sisters. It's kinda gross, right?
Becca and Amber are here! Chris makes sure to remind everyone Becca's a virgin, and that Amber was actually a contestant. I mean, she's been on two previous iterations of this show, and I still had to look her up to remember who exactly she was. For reference, she got booted by Chris early on, then went on the Bachelor in Paradise this summer. She's the girl Dan dumped "Mesa Verde" Ashley for, only to dump Dan for Justin, the meathead with the horrible sunburn. In the end, nobody wanted a relationship with her, and she was sent packing. I see it going much the same here.
Like Lace said, "I'm not going to let Becca intimidate me." No mention of Amber whatsoever. She's the drunk girl at a party that nobody is talking to, but she's still there, drinking more thinking "eventually someone's gonna want to talk to me, right?" She still doesn't realize that the next person she's going to talk to is the cop, asking her why she's puking in a mailbox on the corner at 2:30 am by herself while wearing only one shoe.
Why is Becca treated like royalty on this show? I'm not sure what's going on with this. At the end of Chris' season, she seemed pretty done with the whole ordeal. Yet here she is again.
Lace is slurring her words and trying really hard to get another kiss. Ben's overthinking this and explaining to her his thought process long enough for Portland to come whisk him away. Lace is starting to flip out and is acting like she's gonna fight Portland. Thankfully, Ben intercedes and pulls Lace away to lecture her on how much he needs to her to understand his thought process. I get what he's doing, trying to make sure there's no mixed signals going on, but it comes off almost like he's the dad explaining life to his daughter. I'm of the opinion that if a girl is going to get all bent out of shape and fly off the rails on the first night, she's not worth keeping around anyways. Let the crazies weed themselves out, man!
Ben says "any girl" could get the first impression rose, which is an outright lie. It goes to Olivia, who probably would've got my first impression rose too, even if she went a little cliche with the "I'm spontaneous, I travel" schtick.
I love how much Ben feels the need to tell every girl how gorgeous they are. It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most beautiful people in the world are the ones that need to be reassured of their beauty. Somebody pretty needs to explain this to me.
Finally, the Rose Ceremony.
Roses go to Flight Attendant Lauren, Lauren #4 (who now goes by L.B.), Caila, Amber the soon to be three time loser, Jaime the Canadian, Jennifer the unremarkable, Jubilee the awkward soldier, Amanda the divorced mommy of two, JoJo the Unicorn mask wearing, Pictionary playing psycho, Leah the football hiker, Rachel the unemployed hover boarder, Samantha the high strung attorney, Jackie the fangirl, Twin #1, Twin #2, Shoshanna the Russian Spy, Lauren #2 (or is it #3), Becca the royal virgin, Mandi the creepy Portlander, and Lace the drunk bitch. That's it. For the 800th season in a row, my personal favorite is bounced on the first night. All because she referred to herself as RED FUCKING VELVET. Who does that? I hope she ends up on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. She seemed somewhat together, would like to see more of her....just lose the nickname.
RED VELVET!!!!!
Of course, we can't go home until a drunken Lace calls out Ben for not paying enough attention to her. She didn't get enough eye contact during the rose ceremony. Ben, yank her rose. Give it to the chicken enthusiast, or call red velvet back for a slice of cake, or give it to the mini-horse. Just please don't put yourself through what we can all see coming over the next 10 weeks. We're all gonna be at home like "oh here she goes again!" while you are calmly explaining to her how pretty and special and interesting she is. Don't do it man. Please.
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