Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3: For all the Wrong Reasons

I can't even get into a top five this week, because it was really all about one situation: Joe vs. Everyone not Named Sam.  We'll get into that in a second, but first, a few other observations:

• What happened to Ashley I? She was the unquestioned star of the first week, and I feel like we've seen nothing of her since....except for her weird way of peeing in the ocean.  Why not wade out to your waist and then pee?  Why squat in the surf?  So bizarre.  Anyways, we need more of her and her special brand of awkwardness.  Looks like we might get it in the coming weeks.
• Clare's Raccoon This used to be funny, now it's just overblown.  Wasn't the raccoon in Paradise last week?  Now he's at her house?  It's just too much.  Also, her freaking out that there's nobody to love her has got to stop.  I can promise you, there are hundreds of guys out there that would date Clare.  Take this guy for example:
  

  @Clare_Crawley I joined Twitter to remind you that you're a beautiful person. Your actions speak louder than TV editing. You deserve love.

  — Terrace Althouse (@TerraceAlthouse) August 12, 2015

  
  
  She's got options, so don't act like the fact that a bunch of drunk fame-whores not wanting to hook up with you is the end of the world.
• The return of Crazy Ashley S. I think this woman is quite possibly the smartest person ever to be on this show, and she's a HAIR STYLIST.  I think she understands people and their intentions incredibly well.  And I think she tried to play it straight for Dan.  But when Dan got bored with her, well.....now it's time for the circus to come to town.  And while I love grounded, intelligent Ashley, half-cocked, bird-talking, crazy-eyes, "MESA VERDE" Ashley is so much better for television.  The only problem is that nobody wants to sleep with that version, so her time on the show is probably numbered.
• Bachelor Math Every episode, some cast member gives us a break down of who's there and who has to leave, like it's a freaking third grade math problem. There are TEN girls here now, and only SEVEN guys. That means that THREE girls are going home this week.  We know how it works, we're not morons.  Yet every week, they explain it to us like it's this big surprise. "Three you say?!?  Holy crap, I had no idea!"

Ok, now back to the main event.  You might not agree with me on this, but....I think Joe is getting a bad rap.  He's a douche, but is he really that much more of a douche than JJ (with his moronic pickup lines and misogynistic comments like "she's not on my plane intellectually, but she's got a couple nice assets that make us a good couple?"  Is he worse than lyin'-ass Josh who's poppin Molly at the club then telling Tenley "nah, girl, that was a one time thing?"  I don't think so.  It was revealed during the show that the cast members submit a list of people they'd like to bang, and ABC happily obligies like the madam at a Las Vegas brothel.  Joe was there to meet Sam.  Sam wasn't there.  Joe needed to stick around to spend time with Sam.  When Joe showed up, Ashley S was with Dan, Jade was with Tanner, Clare had Mikey/Jared, Tenley was occupied with most of the other dudes there, Carley and Kirk were joined at the hip.....he didn't have a lot of options.  He basically dangled that date out there like a worm on a pole and waited for a fish to take a bite.  You know who bit?  Juelia.  The fish that needs love more than anyone not named Clare.  She asked to go on the date with him.  He needed a rose, she needed to feel special.  Did he take it too far?  Probably.  But remember, guys were already starting to run to Juelia saying that he was a bad dude.  He had to say that he was interested in her daughter and contemplating a move to Oregon (we don't want you, Joe) and make out with her to make sure she didn't doubt him enough to give her rose to a "nice" guy like Mikey T. or Jonathan.  And it worked.  

Then, we had to go through literally four hours this week of people trying to get him to admit to being a bad guy.  First the guys have a shot.  Joe tries to downplay his relationship with Sam prior to the show.  The guys know he's lying.  They tell the girls.  The girls try talking to Sam.  Sam shuts them down.  Now all of a sudden, Sam is somehow responsible for Joe's bad behavior.  This is a girl move that I never understand.  Your friend gets cheated on, and it's somehow the other woman's fault?  I just don't get it.  Apparently Sam and Juelia were friends prior to coming on the show, but when Sam asked Joe to go on the date, Juelia didn't go over to her and say "hey look, we've got a good thing going, could you maybe pick someone else?"  She just let her go.  This is followed by the comically idiotic scene of Joe and Sam, who have MICROPHONE PACKS STRAPPED TO THEIR BODIES, trying to have a "secret" conversation behind a bunk bed.  Essentially the only parts of their bodies hidden from the camere were their faces and their knees, yet they think they're hidden?  This is the toddler philosophy of hide n' seek - if you can't see my face, I'M INVISIBLE.  Also, you could literally BE invisible, and we'd still hear everything you say thanks to the aforementioned microphones.  It was pathetic to watch.  

But the real absurdity of the whole situation is that people keep bringing this up to Joe OVER and OVER and OVER, but I don't know what their end game is.  To catch him in a lie?  We already know that he lied.  He's admitted to using Juelia to stay around to get time with Sam.  To get him to apologize to Juelia?  What will that solve?  Juelia isn't going to forgive him, and she's not going to get that time back.  Multiple guys have said "Juelia spent that time with Joe that she could've used to cultivate a relationship with someone who actually liked her back."  WHO IS THIS MYTHICAL PERSON?  They've all had a chance to establish that connection.  Mikey tried, and got shut down.  Jonathan made an attempt, but that went nowhere too.  Juelia is the Mikey T. of the girls:  everyone of the opposite sex loves her as a person, but nobody wants to date her.  The only difference is that Juelia isn't throwing herself at every guy she talks to.  It really seems as if everyone wants Joe to break up with Sam, admit he treated Juelia badly, and then GET BACK TOGETHER WITH JUELIA.  This is insane.  Nobody wants that, yet that's what they all seem to be implying.  

Now, if you want to knock Joe for calling Juelia stupid, for yapping about people being 35 and "running around on a TV show" as if he won't be doing the same damn thing if offered a spot in five years (he's 28), or for just being a caveman with hair products, go for it.  But this bashing of him for maneuvering to get a date with the girl he actually wants to date has to stop.  He made the case that Jared went on a date with Ashley, made her feel special, then went after Clare.  You could say that Dan is doing sort of the same thing to Ashley, only he at least told her he didn't see a future with her.  Point is, he's still sucking face with Amber hours after ending it with Ashley.  It's all crap.  They all want to be on the show as long as possible, to get atrocious sunburns and free booze and have a better chance of not having to get a real job when the show ends.  So let's just move on to something else, shall we?  I'm done with this.