Dancing With the Stars: Where Dreams go to Die

Thanks to the TV show Friends, everyone has a list. The five celebs that you would hypothetically be allowed to cheat on your significant other with were you to have the chance. Everyone has a list, and every one's significant other is OK with said list because there's no freaking way you're meeting the people on your list.

My list is constantly changing. You might consider this a violation of "The List," but remember, once someone is off my list, I can no longer hook-up with them guilt free. Sorry Alyssa Milano, but that's the way it's gotta be. I like to picture a scenario where I come across a car with smoke billowing out from under the hood on Highway 20 in a rain storm. Being the nice guy I am, I pull over to see if I can offer some assistance, despite the fact that everyone has cell phones and I know absolutely nothing about cars. It happens to be Alyssa Milano, who is so thankful she asks me to come back to her room at the Phoenix Inn in Albany (Sorry, it's the nicest hotel I could think of in my wonderful home town.) At this point I have to say "Sorry Alyssa, I two years ago I would have, but you've since been bumped by Annie Wersching," Thus killing both my dream of hooking up with Sam from Who's the Boss and her dream of hooking up with a dude with a blog from Oregon.

At this point, since I know you're wondering, I'll divulge The List, in no particular order.

1. Annie Wersching - Agent Renee Walker of TV's 24. Qualifies under the "at least one redhead on The List at all times" clause.

2. Lila McCann - One hit wonder country singer. She has a lifetime membership to The List. I don't care if she gets both arms amputated and becomes a member of the KKK, she topped the list at a very impressionable age for me, and for that will never be bumped off.

3. Jennifer Love Hewitt - See explanation for Lila McCann. Was taken off The List for violating the "Nobody who's been with John Mayer rule," but let back on after the statute of limitations passed.

4. Brooklyn Decker - This is a strategic ploy. My wife's List includes Andy Roddick. I figure that Rachel has a better chance of hooking up with Andy than I have of hooking up with anyone I could come up with. Therefore, if she hooks up with him, I would assume this would end his marriage to Brooklyn. Unless of course Rachel is on Andy's list. Anyways, I figure at the very least Brooklyn would be angry enough to want to exact some revenge on Rachel, which is where I come in. I think this is a brilliant move on my part. I'm sure my wife finds it ridiculous. BTW, the rest of my wife's List includes David Beckham and the entire English soccer team.

5. Erin Andrews

I've never watched DWTS, but when a member of The List is featured, I have to at least give it a shot right? Plus, there were lots of other celebs I deem interesting on the show like Chad Ochocinco, Buzz Aldrin, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Gosselin.

Terrible mistake.

One of the great things about The List is that I know almost nothing about these people other than what they look like and the people they play in movies, music videos, television shows, etc. Because of this, I get to make stuff up and say things like "I bet Jennifer Love Hewitt gets excited when there's good food samples at Costco just like me!" or "Annie Wersching was in the celebrity softball game at the MLB All Star game last year, she loves sports!" In reality, JLove probably thinks Costco is "for poor people" and Annie Wersching doesn't know the difference between a fungo and a fungus.

So when E.A. goes on a reality show, I get to know a little more about her. And what I got to know, I didn't really like. It's not that she was annoying, or dumb, or anything like that. I just didn't see our personalities meshing in a way that would lead to a fictional marriage.

I will now wait for the call from my brother where he says "Hey numbnuts, you're not marrying the girls on The List, you're having sex with them." It's my list, I'll interpret it however I want OK? Back off Grant!

So thank you, DWTS, for chipping away at a dream of mine. What was once a rock solid spot on The List is now a slippery slope for Ms. Andrews. I debated not watching anymore to preserve the idyllic persona I've created for her. I thought about this for a good 12 hours. However, in order to preserve the integrity of The List, I feel obligated to support a Listee until she does something to deserve removal. Therefore, DWTS has earned a "season record" on my DVR for the time being.

P.S. I love lists. Lists about anything are fantastic and make for great debate. We do not judge here at the Snacks Blog, though you are welcome to judge mine. I'd love to hear any of your lists or debate the merits of my own with anyone.