Bachelor Finale: America Doesn't Care if You Love Someone or Not, YOU WILL SAY IT.

I can't say I'm sad that this season is over.  I've never had higher hopes for a Bachelor and been more disappointed.  He just turned out to be kind of a boring doof.  He was much more interesting when I knew nothing about him.  Chris Harrison has promised us a Bachelor Finale unlike anything we've ever seen before.  Unless someone is going to die tonight (besides America's collective soul that is) I don't believe him.  Gotta love the audience looking like some Romans ready to watch a couple gladiators meet their demise at the hands of a pack of bloodthirsty tigers.  Chris is teasing that, perhaps, Juan Pablo wasn't here for love.  I think we can just assume he picks nobody at this point, but let's let ABC try and boggle our minds.

We start with Juan Pablo in his salmon shorts hanging out with his family.  Juan tells his family that Clare is from Sacramento and that he's not telling them anything else.  Perhaps that's because there's nothing else to say?  "Clare is from Sacramento, her family is insane, and (earmuffs Camilla) we had sex in Vietnam," probably isn't the best intro.

Clare is so turned on by Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter.  I'm so creeped out by this.  Apparently Clare's entire family speaks Spanish, except for of course Clare.  Like Jason Derulo says in that song "her booty don't need explaining." She's too pretty to learn another language.  She definitely seems like she doesn't fit in at the dinner table with his family.  She's kind of off in the corner just hanging out watching him interact with his family.

Next, Clare gets some one on one time with Juan Pablo's mama, who tells her he's hyperactive and rude.  Apparently mom's not his biggest cheerleader.  Clare is unfazed...rather she seems relieved that his mom thinks he's a dick too.  Next up is Juan Pablo's cousin, who straight up asks if she's in love and then follows up with "Juan Pablo likes to cut and run, are you going to hang in there if he's ready to throw in the towel?"  Juan Pablo's family is doing a great job of trying to scare her off, but then Papa Pablo gets in there and starts smooth talking her, to the point that she gives him little "besitos."  I think we see where Juan Pablo gets it.

The fact that this is a two hour show, and fifteen minutes in Clare's date is over makes me nervous.  How many segments of fans saying what they think is going to happen, and how much "expert" commentary are we going to get from girls Juan Pablo dumped and of course Sean, who would never turn down an opportunity to peddle his "aw shucks" schtick are we going to have to sit through?

Juan Pablo's excited because he hasn't seen Nikki in "a couple days."  There is definitely some confusion amongst Juan Pablo and his family as to what state Kansas City is in.  I'll give them a pass, because it would seem pretty stupid to someone from another country that there is a Kansas City that isn't in the state of Kansas.  I'll actually give Nikki some credit for not being a geography snob and explaining the situation, or maybe I should give ABC credit for cutting that out.  Either way, I'm glad we didn't sit through that.

Papa Pablo isn't being as smooth with Nikki as he was with Clare.  He goes straight into a "Juan Pablo is a selfish dude.  Good luck with that" routine.  Next up is Mama Pablo, who is much nicer and friendly with Nikki than she was with Clare.  I'm picturing Juan Pablo's parents in their hotel room flipping a coin to see who gets to be the "bad cop" with the girls.  Juan Pablo's cousin again goes into the "Juan Pablo might take off, can you handle that?" What is it with this guy?  Did Juan Pablo send him out to be the bad guy, plant the seed and force an argument between him and the girls later that gives him an excuse to walk away?  Nikki's response is "a relationship without fights has no passion" which is bullshit.  I'll never buy into the "love hurts" philosophy, or that "you don't care if you don't fight."  It's more of an individual personality thing.  Some people like to fight.  Some people don't.  Doesn't mean either way is right or wrong, or that one style works better than another.  There's my little monologue for the night.

Moving on, we get to listen to the crowd.  Chris Harrison picks out some people to talk to.  The first lady is terrified for the girls, concerned about the family warning the girls off.  He then finds a guy brave enough to admit that he's "Team Nikki" before awkwardly answering a question about his wife.  I'll bet their they're passionate, and yet his wife didn't fly off the handle about him admitting he was "Team Nikki."

Next we get the alumni view of the show.  Kelly is concerned that girls aren't concerned enough, Catherine says that she "likes Juan Pablo as a person" which is stupid because he is a person.  Does this mean she hates him as a dog?  I know I hate those dogs that pretend to be people.  There's our first filler segment that I hated.

Commercial comment - How far has Diddy fallen that he has to have someone else's song be the soundtrack to his own commercial?  C'mon man.

Time for more Clare time - in a helicopter!  ABC almost broke a streak there I think.  Juan Pablo has nothing but good things to say about Clare, but Clare is super pissed off about something Juan Pablo says.  This sounds exactly like what happened with Andi.  Well maybe not.  Apparently Juan Pablo said something perverted to her, and now Clare's ready to bail.  So much for that conversation she had with JP's cousin about hang in in there through the good times and bad.  This is a classic breakup technique - overreact to something minor (I'm assuming it's minor, because unless he said "it's a good thing you're pretty, because I'd never be with you otherwise" how could one comment joking or not derail this so fast) - so that you don't have to explain the real reason you want to break it off.  I've done it before, and I've had it happen to me before.

Clare isn't ready to let it go - she wants Juan Pablo to talk it out.  She says "you made a comment about something we did in private" and how he didn't know know her at all.  Juan Pablo sticks to his guns and refuses to apologize.  Clare apparently thinks that he's only interested in their physical relationship.  Juan Pablo says "I don't need the physical anymore from you."  I want to chalk this up to a language/cultural misunderstanding, but the fact that he's saying "I don't need to touch you anymore five seconds after begging her for some besitos seems disingenuous at best.  Pretty much it sounds like "if you're going to give me an easy way out of this relationship, I'm going to take it, because Nikki has got her life way more together than you do."

Clare doesn't understand why he has doubts.  Let me remind her that she hasn't admitted to him that she loves him yet either.  She keeps reiterating that she is falling in love with her.  They have some sort of conversation about kissing....where Juan Pablo seems to feel he has the upper hand because she "broke the kissing rule."  Neither of them seem to be getting the desired result out of this conversation.  Clare's done with the kissing...she wants serious conversations.  Juan Pablo, who seems to be oblivious to Clare's needs at the moment, says he's going to "move in a little closer."  Clare's still not giving in, so he resorts to a completely new tactic - complete submission.  "I'll put a baby - twins! - in you in 14 months and I'll move to Sacramento!!!"  Clare needs to get some legal advice from Andi, because she clearly doesn't understand that a confession made under duress is not admissible in court.  Juan Pablo then resorts to playing the song that big hairy dude sang to them in the fake snow in LA, which makes Clare all wobbly in the knees and now it's time to make out.  BESITOS FOR EVERYONE!!!

Incredibly, Clare still admits that she doesn't know him and he doesn't know her as much, but she's convinced enough to want to marry the guy.  Back in the arena of the fans, everyone is pissed at Clare for giving in.  C'mon people, what have you seen from her that makes you think she wouldn't fold?

Harrison teases Nikki's date as "a date with the man she THINKS she's in love with."  This can't be good.

Nikki's looking for a little confirmation of his feelings for her.  Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.....You know you're not going to get what you want here.  Juan Pablo does that thing where he asks her what her concerns are, and she says "you seem kind of guarded and you don't really open up."  Juan Pablo says "nope, that's all in your head," or at least that's what his dismissive response implies.  Nikki seems pretty concerned, but not concerned enough to press the issue.  Nikki asks him what he's going to do when he doesn't have a private island anymore.  His answer - "I'll be watching TV in my bed or in my office...probably alone."  OUCH.  At this point I think Juan Pablo is playing a game with all of America - he's trying to singlehandedly destroy the what's left of the fantasy that the Bachelor Franchise peddles.  He's out to prove that whomever the bachelor is just has to be attractive and have a pulse to get these ladies to say yes to whatever he asks.  He wants to show America these girls will accept a proposal from a completely perverted dolt who gives them no positive reinforcement.

Juan Pablo continues to ignore or not pick up on any of the signs that Nikki is putting out there.  She says she's nervous, and rather than put her at ease, he says "I'm nervous too."  She gives him a card telling her how much she loves him, and he says "thank you."  Then, without another word, he kisses her forehead and says "I'll see you tomorrow."  Maybe Juan Pablo thinks he's keeping all of America on the hook by stonewalling both girls so that we have no idea what he's really thinking.  Or maybe he's a moron.  Nikki is left in tears.  Back in the live audience arena, people are not happy.  Their reaction:

Let's finish this off, ok?  Claire finds the largest earrings her ears can support, Nikki's words of excitement definitely don't match the look on her face, and Juan Pablo stares at the ring he got from Neil Lane.  Apparently that conversation didn't go well either, because they cut Neil's face time, which I thought was mandated by their advertising agreement.

Time for one of the ladies to get off the boat, but who is it?  Clare!  Going first usually means you're getting dumped.  The lack of music is kind of making this dramatic.  Now the music is back, and Claire's talking about how she hasn't been in love since before her dad died, and we're back on track with a typical final ceremony.  Clare can barely contain her nerves.  Juan Pablo tells her...well you know what he tells her... and then of course he makes her bare her soul and tell her how awesome he is and how much she believes in him.  Kind of sweet.  He says she's unbelievable and amazing...and he's dumping her.  He goes in for the goodbye hug, and she stops him dead in his tracks and the crowd goes wild.

Time for Clare to start rolling - she's pissed.  She goes off on him, telling him that he could've told her he didn't care for her at any point, which is completely untrue because he has to keep two people to the end because otherwise there wouldn't be a show.  She then gets nasty, telling him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and when he tries to tell her the moment he made his decision, she walks away.  Juan Pablo, in what may be the single greatest moment in the history of this show, casually quips "Glad I didn't pick her!" Unreal...such a petty, bitter statement.  This guy is a world class A-hole.  This guy better hope and pray that Nikki says yes, because I think he might find dating anyone with even a modicum of self respect to be a tough proposition.

I'm imagining Juan Pablo dating some girl who doesn't know he was on the show and thinking he's golden.  Then she googles his name and he's dead meat.  Poor Camilla.  I hope her mom is a steady presence in her life, because this is just a mess.  How can you go on this show when you have a kid?  It's incredibly selfish in my opinion.  You're towing your kid along for one of the most ridiculous rides ever.

I almost forgot we're not done yet.  Nikki gets her time to talk about how much she wants to marry him, and to thank him for being so amazing.  I can't wait to hear her reaction to watching the Clare situation.  But first she says she loves him.  True to form, he tells her he loves "so many things about her."  He's going to let her twist 'til the final second.  Actually he's going to make her twist a little longer than that - he's not proposing.  Not only that, he tells her that HE HAS A RING IN HIS POCKET that he's not going to use.  Way to dangle the carrot in front of her a little longer, Juan Pablo.  If they're still together on the after the final rose I'll be shocked.  Actually, I'm shocked that he didn't show it to her and say "if you play your cards right, Toots, you might see this on your finger, so start putting out and stop asking me about my feelings.  BESITOS NOW, BITCH!"  This guy.....

After the final rose time - and Clare's up first.  She's still mad that she said "tell me if you have any doubts, because if you do I'll leave" and he didn't send her home.  She still seems oblivious to the fact that the show rules all.  Harrison presses her to say what it was he said on the helicopter, and she says "it's not something I care to repeat."  My wife thinks it's because she's going to sell an exclusive story to a tabloid.  Maybe the FCC said "you can't say that on TV!!" although I doubt it, because I watch a lot of shows with censor bars and bleeps.  Maybe it really wasn't that bad, and she realizes that keeping it a secret allows people's minds to run wild.

Claire goes on to say that this was the first time in her life that she was able to stand up to a man like she's some sort of beacon of truth that women can look up to.  Nevermind the fact that she didn't stand up to him until AFTER SHE HAD BEEN DUMPED.  This is why Andi is the next Bachelorette and you aren't....she stood up to him before he had a chance to dismiss her.

Next up is Juan Pablo, who comes out to the most pitiful pity-applause in the history of the show.  He makes sure to get out that he's emotional because of the conflict in Venezuela, which is a nice gesture but also acts as a good way to shield himself from the harshness of the crowd.  Juan Pablo makes a good point in that they take over 600 hours of film and compress it into less than 20 hours, but it's too little too late.  Juan Pablo keeps up the "I'm honest and people are going to get hurt sometimes" routine, and then he says to Chris "so what did Clare say about me?"  Incredible.  This guy is amazing.  He's trolling for information about his ex on live television.

Nikki's up next, and she right of the bat confirms that they're very happy and that she's very much in love, and yet Juan Pablo still hasn't told her he loves her.  She says "it's in his actions - I know he cares about me.  He wouldn't be here if he didn't care about me."  These are the words of a desperate woman.  It's like she's got Stockholm Syndrome or something.

This is officially the most awkward and uncomfortable hour in this show's history.  Even the people who paid to get into the audience don't want to be there anymore.  The big surprise that Chris Harrison has been teasing all night?  It's that Juan Pablo and Nikki are together and happy.  #EPICFAIL.  Juan Pablo just trolled the entire nation for two and a half months.  Chris is demanding Juan Pablo tell America that he loves Nikki.  Juan Pablo says he's not going to say it, and the crowd moans its disapproval.  I'll agree with him on this - the first time he says that he loves her should be to her, not to Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo is now talking about people on message boards saying mean things and this somehow ties into him not saying "I love you."  Sensing his moment to shine, Sean says that "everyone is different and does things differently, but I know that I couldn't wait to tell Catherine I loved her."  The crowd roars its approval, and Juan Pablo is now vilified for not telling Nikki he loves her when he doesn't.  Juan Pablo isn't giving in.  Nikki says the only intelligent thing on this entire hour of television, saying "a lot of people have come up here and said they were in love when it was apparent they weren't."  The audience and the Chris Harrison are out for blood.  They want Juan Pablo to make his grand announcement of love and propose to Nikki on the spot.  Instead, we're left with a pretty complicated scenario that plays out more like "real" relationships do off screen.  Chris Harrison is so pissed, he exits the hot seat arena during the commercial rather than sit around an chat.  Back from commercial, Chris Harrison says "We're back - Nikki is in love, Juan Pablo is in love but won't say it."  Holy crap man, stop badgering the witness.  If he says "I'm not in love with her" you hammer him, and if he says nothing, he's admitting by omission that Chris is right that he's in love and not saying it.

Juan Pablo wants to keep things private.  Sean butts in and says "it's not private after the show." Which is a bit misleading because he went on Dancing with the Stars and had his wedding on national television, and shows up every time the show calls him.  There's plenty of Bachelor alums that are pretty anonymous (anyone know what Tierra is up to today?  What about Courtney Robertson?) by choice.  I have no doubt that if Juan Pablo and Nikki can weather the next six months or so, people will lose interest and move on.  They'll only be in the news if they want to be in the news.

Now we get the worst kept secret in world - Andi is the Bachelorette.  We get to see a nice puff piece of her walking through Atlanta's rougher neighborhoods taking pictures of graffiti with her iPhone and saying things like "I mean, that's just like 'Welcome to the Gang."  I don't like her, but she's not afraid to say what she's thinking, so her season should much different from this season.

Perhaps the perfect way to end this terrible season is this exchange between Chris and Andi:

Chris:  What happens if on the final day you say "I love you, I love you, I love you," and the guy you pick says "I like you a lot?"

Andi:  I'll say "where's the other guy?  Can I have a do-over?"

That's what this show wants.  They want to see two people say they love each other, even if it's not true at all.

Bachelor Women Tell All: Bitches Unite!

Ok, so tonight's the night that everyone goes from pretending Juan Pablo is the greatest man to ever grace the planet to pretending that he's the most self centered, arrogant, soulless d-bag ever to put on pants.  Let's just all agree that the only reason he's on TV is because he has a body most men couldn't get if they lived in a gym and speaks adorably broken English.  OK?  Moving on....

I see one guy in the crowd!  It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap.  OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago.  Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....

Oh no.....

no.....

nonononononononono

Not Catherine and Sean.  Let's talk about them having sex.  Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long!  Hahahahaha.  Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon.  Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon.  Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S.  How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy.  Let's just all pretend that never happened.

Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets.  Let's pretend this never happened either.  I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.

Ok, now it's finally time to start the show.  Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close.  We've got quite a few people we barely remember.  Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is.  This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down.  He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.

Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli.  "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra."  "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus?  Your arguments are invalid Kelly.

A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show.  Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things?  Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler.  The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals.  Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.

Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean.  Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming.  Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this.  That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo.  Incredible.

Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain.  We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember.  They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.

Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis.  It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions.  Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street."  Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down.  Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.

Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not."  Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird."  The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect.  Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.

There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.)  Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo.  My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away?  Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away.  For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot.  Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.

Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite.  She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity.  To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?"  I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.

The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again.  She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be.  So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this.  Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation?  Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space.  At least I hope everyone does that.  Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.

Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!"  With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.

Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd.  He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room.  I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America.  We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case.  We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.

Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people.  Juan Pablo points out that leaving  a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)

In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue.  I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality.  Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now.  Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers.  Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done.  Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them.  We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.

And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other  Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!!  It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest.  His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready."  Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?

Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations.  Glad this season's going to be over soon.  I can't take all the angst.  I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.

Bachelor: Fantasy Suites are Brought to you by the Letters "O" and "K"

Back already?  This season's really racing towards the finish line.  We're off to St. Lucia.  Juan Pablo says "oh St. Lucia, you are so pretty."  Um....Juan Pablo, you know you aren't dating the island right? You're not impressing it with your sultry accent and pouty smile.

Claire is up first, and she tells us that she couldn't have imagined a year ago that she would be in St. Lucia with the man of her dreams falling in love.  She can't think of a more romantic place to get engaged.  I think we've already hit our cliche quota for the whole episode.  Claire's super excited about the day, but she says she's on the fence about spending the night in the fantasy suite.  To that I say bullish*t.  She goes on to explain that she's still thinking about how the late night romp in the ocean in Vietnam, and that she's not sure that they'll set the best example for Camilla.  I get that, but this seems like one of those instances where she'll put up just a modicum of resistance before letting Juan Pablo reassure her that there won't be any cameras and Camilla won't be able to see them do things that would make Tiger Woods blush.  She goes on to say that tonight just may be the perfect time to tell him she loves him...you know, right before she turns down an offer to spend the night.  Riiiiiiiight.

Juan Pablo says that "tonight is a good night to figure out how I feel about Claire, and it's a chance to get to know each other better - a LOT better."  Claire, on the other hand wants to talk about Camilla.  "He wants to find a suitable stepmom for his daughter, and I want to let him know that it's important to me."  Nope, Juan Pablo wants to talk about how preeeeeety your dress is, and how much preeeeetier it will be on the floor at the foot of the bed.  The card comes out, and Juan Pablo defers to Claire, who dredges up the Vietnam conversation again.  I'm sure she's saying something worthwhile, but I'm too distracted by her dangly earrings, which are swinging back and forth like a grandfather clock hopped up on cocaine.  I feel like those earrings are going to have her earlobes touching her shoulders by the end of the night - they look like they weigh a ton.  Predictably, Claire expresses her hesitations, and then immediately accepts the offer to spend the night.  Also predictably, Juan Pablo makes a comment about her preeeeety dress.  Juan Pablo really, really, REALLY wants to hear Claire tell her he loves her.  He's been hounding all the girls for a week or two to give up the goods.  Claire obliges, giving her best duck face as she says "I'm loving falling in love with you."  That leads to some making out, and Claire saying that Juan Pablo "melted her."  I know someone else who melted..... I don't think it's necessarily a good thing.  More hot tub making out...and we're left to wonder what happened in the fantasy suite.  (They totally did it.)

Time for Andi's fantasy date.  She's taken to a local seafood fiesta, where they play the drums with some local musicians.  Juan Pablo says that "if I want someone to just go with the flow, Andi's the girl."  Because so many times Juan Pablo's had a girl turn down his idea for a date because she didn't feel up to it.  After drum time, Juan Pablo starts feeding some local children in one of the weirdest scenarios I've ever seen.  A few weeks ago we were stuck at the San Francisco Airport for half a day, and there was this dad there that was just out there high fiving random kids and having conversations with them like they were old friends, and it was super uncomfortable.  I love kids, but there's got to be a feeling out period.  You don't just go buy a kid a lemonade because you're sitting at the same table as them.  Maybe that's just me.

After some pick-up soccer, Juan Pablo squires his lady away in a dune buggy to a waterfall.  They recap their time with Andi's family, where Juan Pablo recaps his conversation with her dad in one of the worst American accents ever.  It sounded nothing like her dad....pretty comical.  Then they strip off their clothes and frolic around under the waterfall.  Well, Juan Pablo keeps kissing Andi's neck.  She just kinda sits there and lets him nibble.  Later on at dinner, Juan Pablo tells Andi that he's been thinking about her saying "I want badly to fall in love" and how he doesn't want this to feel forced.  Basically he's looking for her to say that she loves him.  She just says that she does want to love him, but she's not going to force it for his daughter's sake.  He's satisfied, she seems happy, but then she needles him about what else he is concerned about.  Here we go.  She keeps asking him what he thinks about and he says he thinks about a lot of things....among them if she's going to be a good mother.  His answer - "I don't know."  Yikes, not a good sign for Andi.   He didn't exactly give her a ringing endorsement there.  Fantasy Suite Card comes out, and Andi says "if this is a relationship you're serious about" and Juan Pablo says "absolutely, we can answer a lot of your questions."  The mood going into her fantasy suite is much different than it was with Claire.  This seems less.....fun.  It seems more like a closed door business negotiation than "OHMIGOD THE CAMERAS ARE FINALLY GONE LET"S DO THIS."  Nonetheless, Andi is on "Cloud 9.  But not for long......

Juan Pablo wakes up, and is pretty happy about how the night went.  They talked for hours and hours and laughed....everything is great!  But...where is Andi?  Oh she's on a spirit walk.  She couldn't wait to get out of there.  The night was a disaster, and she really hopes he didn't think that was a good date.  Well I think we can rule out a made for TV wedding between these two.  Andi JUST NOW started to realize that Juan Pablo always changed the subject when she brought up feelings or serious questions.  Andi's not dumb....she's been looking for a way out for a long time, but needed to wait until the cameras were off.  She's been totally fine with everything we've seen from Juan Pablo all season.  She needed some time away from the camera so nobody could refute her version of what happened.  She's a lawyer, she didn't want a smoking gun where we could see her laughing and snuggling all night while Juan Pablo talked about himself.  She just found her get out of jail free card.

I'm sure we'll get back to this later, but it's time for Nikki's da....OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING?  She looks like she's getting ready to star in a Native American themed Pornographic Film.  Pocohontas.....more like Poke-a-Hot-Ass, Amirite?  Juan Pablo says she smiled when she saw her family, and she smiled when she got here today, so he knows she's excited.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.  They kiss as Nikki tries to reassure herself that Juan Pablo's kisses are his way of saying he loves her.  They then run out into the ocean - well Juan Pablo runs into the ocean.  Nikki sort of wades out into a wave before getting shoved back to shore like a piece of drift wood.  THE WAVE IS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP, NIKKI!  Hesitation will take you back to the beginning.  You need to dive into it fearlessly if you want to reach the calm, peaceful waters.  Anyone who's watched this show knows that!  Her fantasy suite deliberation lacks any hesitation however.  While Claire and Andi expressed reservations before accepting, Nikki was practically grabbing the key and heading for the room before the whole card has been read.   Despite her eagerness, she needs to sit pensively on the couch and bite her lip for a while before finally outright saying "I love you."  That's a win for Nikki right there.  Claire kind of hedged by saying "I'm loving falling in love with you" and Andi...well apparently Andi hates his guts, so I'll say Nikki's the front runner here.

Time for some deliberation with Chris Harrison. Juan Pabs is conflicted.  Juan Pablo says he "feels good."  Chris says "what does that mean?"  Juan Pablo replies, "it means I feel good about the girls."  Glad we got that cleared up.  Further muddling things, Juan Pablo says he "has no idea" what he's going to do.  Probably not a good sign that he doesn't have a front runner at this point.  He can see himself with any one of the three.  "Ay yay yay" he says for the hundredth time this episode, so you know how serious he is about this.  Time for the girls to leave  him a personal message.  Nikki's is pretty standard, she's glad she got to tell him she loves him, she's honored that she got to meet his family, and she's excited about where this is going.   Claire goes into her whole "this is a fairy tale" thing.  Andi is smiling as she goes into her video....clearly she's enjoying this.  This is her end game.  This is her moment where she takes control of the situation and leaves on her terms and lets the whole country know that she won't be "one of many" to any man.  I only wonder how long she's been planning this.  Again, there's no tears.  There's no "I trusted him and he betrayed me."  This is a power play, plain and simple.  I don't think she can sit there and talk about Juan Pablo being dishonest when it's pretty clear to me that she's been playing along the whole time.

Andi is going to follow Sharleen's lead, only she's not going to handle it with half the grace that Sharleen did.  She leads right off with "I realized I wasn't in love with you."  Juan Pablo, says "that's OK...if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be."  Andi is not happy that Juan Pablo is taking this so well.  She's pissed that he's not begging her to stay.  This is not how she saw this going.  I'm on Juan Pablo's side here.  But she missed weddings to fly around the world with him!  Everything that Pabs is saying makes sense...right up until he says "you only have to think about one guy....I've got other people to think about."  That might not have been the best thing to say.  "But you never listened to me!" she whined.  She's mad that he brought up he had an overnight date with Claire.  I'd counter that it can go two ways...to pretend that nothing is going on with the other girls is a little disingenuous and can backfire as well.  She wants Juan Pablo to "feel something."  Well, he feels angry.  He's had enough of being attacked.  They have some discussion that involves Renee and him saying "default." I didn't really understand what they were talking about.  Andi then goes on about how he doesn't know her religion, her political views, how she wants to raise her children.  Juan Pablo says "if I don't know those things, it's because you didn't tell me."  Juan Pablo then hilariously asks her "fine then, what's my religion?"  Andi fires back "Catholic" to which Juan Pablo has no response.  He really walked into that one.  According to Wikipedia, 92% of Venezuela is Catholic, so she didn't even need to know to get that one right.  Oops.  Andi again waits for him to try to talk her out of this or something, but he says "I appreciate your honesty 100%, thanks for coming."  Well there you go.

Honestly, I think she was going home this week anyways, so this really didn't change the game at all anyways.  Andi says "nobody wants to be with someone who is that honest and puts you down."  I'm not sure I ever saw him put her down.  I'm sure she took some stuff as disrespectful and hurtful, but I didn't get that.  Andi tries to self-diagnose the situation in the van, and she does a pretty good job when she says "are my standards so high that I'll never find what I'm looking for?"  My guess is...yep.

Back from commercial, and Juan Pablo does kind of get one final jab in at Andi by saying "she wanted to go home, but I have other women here, so it's OK." The way he said it made it clear he knew that would drive her up a wall that he used that phrase.  Andi, who apparently is taking the van all the way around the island, is still whining about how rude and awful Juan Pablo was to her, and that she hopes for everyone's sake he treats Nikki and Claire differently.

Chris drops the bomb on Nikki and Claire that they are the two final contestants, and Nikki wants answers.  She needs to know why.  My question for her is "why do you care?"  Clearly you didn't want her to be here instead of you, so what does it matter.  You'd think that a smile would come across her face after the initial shock wore off, but no.  "It's bittersweet because I'm sad for Andi."  Really?  Claire has a more rational reaction:  "Nikki and I are completely different women, so it's interesting that we're the two left."  Agreed, but it fits with my belief that there's not one type of woman or one specific woman that people are "meant to be with."  It's ok to love two different types of women.  When I think about the women I dated before I met Rachel, it's almost comical how different they are from her.  And you know what?  I honestly liked them all, in part because of the things that differentiated them from other women.  Peanut butter and chocolate is amazing, but then again it goes well with jelly too.  Remember that, y'all.

Bachelor Week....who cares anymore? Hometowns!

A little delayed due to Jocelyn asking me to watch Monsters, Inc. with her last night.  I ended up falling asleep and there was not enough Pepsi Max in the world to help me rally for a two hour trip through these ladies families.  Hooray for lunch breaks and ABC Streaming at my desk!  Let's get it on!


We start with....cows.  Kansas City is known for its cows?  Nikki doesn't seem like a Midwest girl to me, I never picked up on that.  She seems pretty Northeasterner to me.  Let's go.  Nikki says "it could be the one and only time my parents get to talk to him."  Not the most confident statement. 

I get the cow thing now...the barbeque.  I love that most famous BBQ place in Kansas City is called Oklahoma Joe's.  Not Kansas City Joes?  The best place is named after a neighboring state?  Kinda shaky, KC.  After eating some ribs, it's time to ride a mechanical bull.  "After making me dance in Korea, I'm going to make him ride a bull in KC.  Nikki's an experienced bull rider?  I'm confused.  Nikki is impressed at how hot Juan Pablo is on a mechanical bull.  "He's a lot more cowboy than I thought!"  So eating some ribs and riding a fake bull in a western bar makes him a cowboy?  In that case, Nikki, I guess that makes me your huckleberry too!  High five for riding the bull tandem slowly then fake falling off so you can make out on a beer stained padded floor!  So romantic.  In fact, it's so romantic, Nikki can't bring herself to tell Juan Pablo she loves him.  The empty country bar where single people go to find people the want to forget hooking up with the next day just didn't cut it I guess.

Moving on to Nikki's house - and Jesus does it just seem to you that a majority of contestants on this show come from an impressive amount of money?  Granted, real estate prices are probably lower in Missouri, but still that's a NICE house.   Nice touch by Juan Pablo to bring flowers for the mom, nice touch by the dad to tell him he's family because he sat down to dinner.  Everyone seems pretty nice in this situation.  I like the little bit about how the girls flew coach to Korea while Juan Pablo rode first class.  Just another way that ABC makes the ladies feel like he's a huge catch and he's somehow above them.  He's a star, you're a bit player, so you'd be lucky to have this guy pick you.  Just awful, ABC. 

Nikki and her mom talk, and she tells her mom she's in love with JP.  JP and the dad talk, and the super awkward conversation where Juan Pablo says "hypothetically speaking, if I were to ask your daughter to marry me, would you be OK with that?"  Papa Tom says "well I trust my daughter," and then gives the obligatory "if it's not real for you, cut her loose" statement. 

Dad then sits down with Nikki, and grills her on the step-mom thing, which she seems ready for.  Then we get the touching "I love you, you're smart and I support you in everything." Maybe it's a little contrived and cliché, but now that I have a daughter myself, those little moments hit me a little harder.  All in all, this was about the most standard, cookie cutter hometown date of all time.  Nikki kisses him on the porch, Juan Pablo prods her to tell him she loves him, she hesitates, he lingers, she still hesitates, he gives her the "well I've gotta go" ultimatum, and she still balks.  That was pretty much her last chance, and she didn't do it.  Pretty sure she doesn't love him, which is fine.  Telling someone you love them when you really don't is about the worst mistake you can make. However, waiting for the "exact perfect right time" is a bad idea too.  The right time is whenever you say it.  If you say it in line at a Starbucks, that's the right time.  If you say it while cooking a burger on your grill in the backyard, that's right too - so long as you actually mean it.  Sometimes the perfect setting (say sunset on an exotic beach just a flock of dolphins starts jumping in the bay) will make you think "Holy shit, this is like a movie!  I LOVE HIM!" when you're really not ready and then you have what should be a fantastic moment in your life tarnished because you said it to the wrong person and now every time you see a dolphin you hope it gets its stupid little nose stuck in a plastic six pack holder and dies a horrible death.

 Off to Atlanta for Andi's hometown.  Juan Pablo shows up for their "date" wearing what basically looks like a warm-up shirt for baseball practice.  He sees Andi and says "you so preeeeety!"  Andi says "I've got a surprise for you because you've made me do some crazy things."  Juan Pablo asks "what crazy things."  To Andi, crazy stuff is soccer, dancing and karaoke.  So far we've learned that riding a mechanical bull and eating ribs makes you a cowboy, and dancing and playing soccer makes you crazy.  Doesn't take much to impress these ladies, does it?  No wonder they're swooning over his first class plane ticket!  Andi decides to take him to shoot some guns.  Clearly, all Andi and I share in common is a name.   Guns creep me out, and I have no desire to ever shoot one, hold one, see one.  "You want to prove a little manhood in the South, you hold a gun right."  I am not a Southern man.  "We're in Georgia, we're gonna see how he handles a gun."  I am never going to Georgia.  Juan Pablo apparently won't be welcome in her home unless he hits the bullseye on the target.  Strangely, on his first shot, Andi flinches like she's never been around a gun in her life.  What was that?  She's blasting away with automatic weapons, but the sound of a pistol firing at a gun range when you're watching the guy pull the trigger makes you jump?  Guns are weird.  Let's just move on. 

I'm assuming that Juan Pablo hitting the bullseye one out of 25 or so shots is a pretty good metaphor for this whole show, and probably Andi's chances of getting a proposal at the end of all of this.  Let's go have dinner with the parents!  More bad omens - Andi is terrified inside, and she's still "waiting to fall in love."  She feels her parents could be a tipping point in making up her mind for her.  Never a good sign if you need someone else to tell you if you're in love.  Dad's taking the hard line, grilling Juan Pablo about waiting until it's down to eight people to take her on a solo date.  Andi's dad, who's name is Hy, is not digging this at all.  He's taking the realist approach to this, openly acknowledging that his daughter is dating a dude who is dating three other girls.  "We've been married for 30 years" he says, to which Juan Pablo replies "How's it going?"  Oof dude.  Like anyone on earth is going to just acknowledge on the spot that their marriage is failing.  What a terrible question.  Juan Pablo gets a reprieve by speaking to the mom first.  He again puts his foot in his mouth by responding to the "what do you like about my daughter?" question by saying "first of all she's beautiful."  That's worth saying, but to make that the primary thing you like about their daughter? 

Dad gets his chance, and he asks why Juan Pablo is on the show.  Juan Pablo actually has a pretty good response, saying that people who sign up know who he is, know he has a daughter, and know that he's looking to start a family.  Kind of allows him to skip a few steps in the dating process I suppose.  Hy seems content with that answer.  Juan Pablo then asks if he and Camilla would be accepted into the family, at which Hy puffs out his chest and gives the camera the old "it's not about finding someone for Andi, it's about finding someone good enough for Andi."  Uh oh.  Is Hy going to shut this whole thing down?  Turns out, he has the best answer ever to this question, saying "I'm not having this conversation with you until you're 100% sure she's the one for you."  Hy just won this episode.  However, he probably damaged Andi's chances of winning because he definitely didn't make Juan Pablo feel as comfortable as Nikki's dad. 

Further belaboring the issue, Andi's sister tells her that she hasn't heard Andi say "he's the one."  Andi just kinda shrugs and says "yep."  Not a good sign.  Andi then talks to her dad, and definitely doesn't sound like someone who's in love saying "if he dumps me, he dumps me."  Actually ended up liking Andi's family more than I thought I would.  They are intelligent, well mannered, logical people.  Which begs the question as to how their daughter ended up thinking it was a good idea to go on this show.  Andi says she found what she was looking for, and yet she isn't in love with him yet.  "Very, very close though."  Ugh. 

Next up is Renee, who has no doubt that she is madly, crazy, in love with Juan Pablo.  But, will she be able to say it?  Time to start the date by showing up at Ben's little league game.  Nothing makes a kid play well like seeing his mom canoodling on a blanket with some strange dude surrounded by cameras.  Juan Pablo shakes the kids hand and then squeezes his shoulder and starts talking to him like he's four years old.  He's not Camilla, idiot.  I also love that Ben won't even look at Juan Pablo while they talk to each other.  Time for the game to start - do you think ABC mandated that Ben pitch this game?  I'm imagining the coach getting all huffy and saying something like "We're ONE GAME out of first and you want me to shuffle my pitching rotation for your GIRLY SHOW?"  Then ABC shoves a little cash his way and all of a sudden he's "got a hunch" that Ben's going to go out there and throw the game of his life.  Sorry, little Johnny Tucker, you're riding the pine today so Ben's mommy can have a good date before she gets dumped.  Hope your grandparents didn't drive down from Knoxville to see you play today.

We start family time by having the grandparents talk about all the stuff that Renee missed - meeting the coach, the bracelets he's been making.  Way to make her feel crummy, grandma.  This whole family seems to like Juan Pablo, and I'm hoping they don't put the poor kid on the spot and make him answer questions about if he'd be okay with having Juan Pablo be his daddy.  That's just not fair.  Fortunately they didn't go down that path.  We also don't get to see the "would you be OK with me asking your daughter to marry you" sequence, which either means that it didn't happen (UH OH!) or he asked, dad said "of course" and it was so boring that it didn't need to be shown.  We say our goodbyes, and again the girl misses her last chance to say "I love you."  I'm now starting to think this is an ABC mandate that you aren't allowed to tell him you love him before the fantasy suite.  Hmmm...

Alright time for a trip to Claire's hometown of Crazyville, Insania.  Get your popcorn ready! Kansas City is known for its cows, Atlanta had ducks, Sarasota had seagulls, and now Sacramento has honeybees!  I'm learning so much about local wildlife.  Juan Pablo and Claire get right down to the making out and hugging and holding hands.  She kind of reminds me of Isla Fisher's character in Wedding Crashers.  Juan Pablo says that he can't wait to meet her family, because "he can't wait to see why she is the way she is."  Incredible.  We're all thinking that exact same thing.  Claire tells us that it's difficult not having him meet her dad - probably not as difficult as having Juan Pablo meet her dad, amirite?  Sorry, bad death joke.  She then tells kind of a sweet story about how she danced with her dad before he died since she wouldn't get to at her wedding, and you kind of almost want things to turn out OK for Claire.  But then the next moment they're making out again and she's saying obvious things like "you're in Sacramento!" and  I just want her to be off my television. 

Time to meet the mom and sisters.  She can't wait to tell them "everything."  Will she bring up the late night romp in the ocean?  Let's hope so!  Is it concerning that Claire looks like absolutely nobody in her family?  I need to know more about this.  Moving onto dinner, and, yup, the midnight romp comes up right away.  This apparently isn't surprising to anyone, because they just kinda shrug it off.  "Oh, that's just Claire! She's always romping around in her bikini!"  Moving on, Claire talks to sister Madeline - who apparently is the surrogate daddy for Claire.  She seems to trust her the most.  She also says she'd say yes "in a heartbeat."  Time to talk with mom, and the angry sister Laura is kind of speaking for mom.  Why are they talking as if mom isn't there?  What is going on right now?  Claire says that she'd be OK with him turning her down because of how strong she's become because of how her family has supported her.  Laura is having none of it.  She seems to think that Claire is somehow disrespecting her mom.  I get the sense that Claire's mom doesn't speak the best English.  Claire then talks to another sister about the situation, and it seems to be almost expected that Laura was going to torpedo this whole situation.  Laura is loving her time on the TV, gently petting the puppy as she continues to pass judgment on the situation while simultaneously acknowledging that she doesn't know Juan Pablo.  Yowza. 

Juan Pablo goes out to talk to Mama, and Laura goes out and weasels her way into the situation, and again acts as Mama's interpreter...rambling on about Daddy and how important he was.  I will say this, he must've been a great man to put up with all of these competing personalities.  Laura gets her two cents in (or was it her fifteen minutes of fame?) and finally begs off to let Mama talk with Juan Pablo.  Turns out that I was right in that English isn't her first language, but she speaks English just fine.  Mama Claire seems kind of alright....sort of like the wise town elder in a Disney movie about a remote tribe of people that doesn't speak much but everyone respects.  Claire says "if he can look past my crazy family, I would love to marry him."  I'll bet she can't wait to move to Florida to be with Juan Pablo.  She's like the cheerleader girlfriend of a star quarterback in a small, backwards West Texas town who is pinning her whole future on her boyfriend's NFL future.  If she gets dumped, she's gotta go back to her house with her tail tucked between her legs, while Laura sits there in her Wal-Mart elastic waist sweats petting that stupid little dog and saying "told you so...now look how upset you've made Mama.  Daddy would be so ashamed."  Someone help her get out of this situation.

Alright, rose ceremony time.  We know Andi makes it based on the teasers for next episode, so is it Nikki, Claire, or Renee?  I think Nikki is safe.  That leaves Renee, who is awesome but has a kid of her own, or Claire, who has a crazy family, but is smoking hot and Juan Pablo doesn't seem to be able to keep his manos off of her.  (Google tells me manos is Spanish for hands).  Sure enough, Nikki and Claire are safe, so that means Renee is left to wonder if ABC telling her she couldn't tell Juan Pablo she loved him did her in.  Nope, it was probably your son, though nobody would ever admit it.  I get it too - if it was just about Renee moving, it's not a big deal - but when you talk about pulling her kid out of his school, off his little league team, away from his friends...well, it's just easier to pick the hot girl who has absolutely no qualms following you to the end of the earth and leaving everything in her past behind.  He took the easy way out.  Once again, Juan Pablo seems to be taking it harder than the lady he just dumped.  This has to be a first.  None of these girls seem all that broken up to be departing.  I mean, Renee just spent a whole hour of the show telling us how in love with him she was, and yet she seems totally fine getting excused.  I'm fine with it too, Renee.  I'm sure you will find someone way better for you and your family.  And if you ever make it out to Oregon, I'm sure my wife would love to sit down and have a glass of wine with you.  You seem like a cool lady. 

Alright, time to take a 24 hour breather before getting back into the drama. 

Bachelor Week 6: Only Because Curling Wasn't On

We're back.  To be honest, I'm really hate-watching tonight, because I'd rather be watching the Olympics.  Unfortunately, the Olympics aren't showing anything I want to watch (speed skating just doesn't do it for me) and also the 12 hour time difference means I pretty much know who won everything already anyways (thanks technology!).  On a side note, I've stuck my foot in my mouth twice in the last two days because of the Olympics (first because I said that twenty year old Norwegian snowboarder Silje Norendal was "not hard to look at," and second because I said if I won the lottery I'd hire the women's curling team from Great Britain to coach me.  Really, it's because of their accents, and because Scotland is the birthplace of curling I swear!)

Ok, back to Juan Pablo's quest for booty love.  New Zealand this week!  Land of Hobbits and sheep.  One time at a dinner party at my grandparent's house in college, my roommate asked a New Zealand exchange student "so...you got a lot of sheep there, right?"  This is how I learned that there are more sheep than people in New Zealand.

The girls are all convinced that Juan Pablo is their lobster with the exception of Claire, who is still confused as hell as to why a guy would sleep with her and then say that it was a bad idea and that she made things weird for him with his daughter.  I'm with you Claire.  It's like drinking an insane amount of alcohol, puking, then getting mad at Captain Morgan.  What'd you think was going to happen, Juan Pablo?  This situation is a little different, because he probably could blame Captain Morgan for his impaired judgement, but, like my father used to say "when you seek the advice of pirates, don't be surprised when you end up plundering some nice townsfolk."  (Ok, he didn't say this, but Dale Lasselle is a man of surprising wisdom.)

Andi gets the first one on one, much to Claire's dismay.  She feels like this would have been the perfect chance to get back on track with Juan Pablo, but I think the problem is that the train was riding a little too smoothly on the rails for Mr. Galavais, amirite?

Cassandra "never expected" Andi to get a one on one date?  Why?  Strange statement.  She then has a little mommy-to-mommy chatter with Renee about how great it is that Juan Pablo is invested in both her happiness and the happiness of her child.  Complete bullcrap, because he's never met the kid.  It's amazing to me that any parent would be so cavalier with their child's wellbeing.  "Oh he says he wants to do right by my son that he's never met, he cares so much about him!"  I wonder how she'd feel if Juan Pablo said "hey, lemme take your son whom I've never met to the zoo for the day to get to know him."  We'd find out how much she trusted JP then.  Because if you can't trust a guy who's telling eight women at once how much he's into them with your son, who can you trust?

Date time....Andi's ready to rock in her white leggings and flannel shirt.  White pants while in a jet boat?  No way those things are coming back clean.  I'm embarrassed that my first thought about her outfit was that she might get it dirty, but I had a pair of white warmup pants once that I thought were super awesome until I wore them outside for the first time.  I opened the car door and all the dirt just wiped off on my pants and never left again.....EVER.  Good thing she's got a swimsuit on underneath!  Time to swim/walk/piggyback our way through a tiny crevasse towards god knows what.  I'm half expecting them to pop out in a lost world filled with dinosaurs and other long extinct animals.

Andi is impressed that Juan Pablo is helping her over rocks.  Is this really all it takes to impress a lady anymore?  What asshole guy is going to say "sorry, you find your own way over the rocks honey."  Or do those little gestures go a lot further when you have washer board abs and speak in a sultry Latin accent?  Also, I find it hard to believe that it was all that treacherous when a dude with a giant HD camera is following right behind you, without the aid of a shirtless Venezuelan.   You hear that JP?  A REAL MAN would've helped the camera dude too!

After some of the most hardcore making out we've ever seen on the show (I've seen carpets have less contact with floors), Juan Pablo toasts to a long wait and a great first date in New Zealand.  Andi says that "it's like a fantasy-land to be in New Zealand in front of a geyser kissing a guy I'm starting to really like!"  No, Andi, it IS a fantasy land.  I love how surprised they are that a geyser got them wet and "ruined their dinner."  This was a total plan by ABC and/or Juan Pablo to cut short the talky-talky time and get more kissy kissy going on.  If I could subtitle this date, it would say:

Juan Pablo:  Talking is so boring when our belly buttons aren't touching.  It's like what's the point?"
Andi:  "Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the tingly sensation in my loins."

Big surprise, she gets the rose.

Looks like Claire's gonna get that chance to get back on the rails with Juan Pablo, because he selected her for the other one on one date this week.  If he ends up talking things out with her, making her feel comfortable again and then knockin' da boots with her again, well...he'd basically be the best manipulator in the history of reality television.  On the other hand, if he took her on a one-on-one date just so he could dump her away from the other ladies so she couldn't flip out in front of them and let them all know how he hit it and quit it, well then there's a special place in hell for him as the Devil's personal advisor.

First, let's go on a group date that involves Kat saying one of the dumbest line's of all time:  "I just rolled down a hill in a large ball with Juan Pablo?"  Kat, Cassandra, and Chelsie bring absolutely no substantive conversation to the table.  I'd be ok with all of them going home.  As if to illustrate my point, Chelsie says that New Zealand reminds her of Ohio, except that they don't have hills."  So, nothing like Ohio aside from a few cows. I picture everyone at the Ohio Tourism Board high fiving each other as they realize their new slogan is "Visit Ohio - like New Zealand without hills!"  One of the girls says "I thought we were just going to have a nice quiet picnic, but nope, we're going to be rolling down a hill in an Ogo!"  Good thing they all wore bikini's under their picnic clothes!  Yeah, no clue you'd be doing anything other than picnicking.  While it does look like it's fun, it doesn't look like one of those bucket list type of event that you HAVE  to do while you're in New Zealand.  It's one of those things that'd be just as fun in Columbus, Ohio as it would be in Rotrua, New Zealand.  Except of course there wouldn't be a hill to roll down there, so never mind.  Also, it costs $40 per trip down the hill.

Hobbit time!  I was just kind of kidding about it being the land of Hobbits, but actually pretty cool that they are hanging out in the Shire.  First Hobbit-solo time goes to Renee, and they kiss - a lot.  Up next is Nikki.  She tells him this journey is hard, but he's making it easier.  Then they kiss - a lot.  Sharleen tells Juan Pablo...well she says hi, then he kisses her - a lot.  Then he finally lets her come up for ai...nope, he's kissing her again.  I swear to god he's like one of those dogs that gets so worked up he starts humping the air because there's not a leg close enough to hop on.

Cassandra the birthday girl gets her one on one time, and she gets pretty sentimental and emotional.  I take it back, she can bring a little substance to a conversation.  She actually was pretty well spoken there.  However, she didn't get a kiss.  Based on what happened with the other girls, it's not looking good for her.  Renee actually goes so far as to say that she wants Cassandra to win if it's not her.  Sharleen gets the rose, and then he pulls Cassandra aside.  "He's probably telling her happy birthday," says Nikki, trying to convince herself.  Nope.  Juan Pablo is dumping her on her birthday on a group date.  Harsh.  He could've just waited two more days and let her go organically.  WAY TO RUIN HER BIRTHDAY, JUAN PABLO!  She's only had 22 of them, way to taint almost 5% of her total birthdays.  Single parents are really handicapped on this show.  They're the easiest to dump, all that you have to say is that you can't keep them away from their child any longer.  Nothing like walking into a room of women and telling them you just dumped their roommate on her birthday.  THAT SHOULD GO WELL.  He says he had to send her home because he didn't see a future with her and it wasn't fair to keep her one more day.  Could he have seen it before he rolled down a hill in a bikini with her, but not after?  Ugh.

Nothing to cheer up Juan Pablo like a little Skype-time with Camilla.  Good way to prep for alone time with Claire....especially if our intrepid air-humper wants to keep it in his pants around Claire - his underwear's kryptonite.  I'll give Juan Pablo a little credit for saying that it was "his mistake" but I'm not entirely sure if he's apologizing for the ocean hook-up or for her not understanding his reaction.  They talk so more, and now it's clear he's apologizing for the misunderstanding.  Claire smartly presses him for boundaries, and he starts to explain that he's never kissed a girl or held hands with a girl in front of his daughter.  Um.....what?  This should send up a huge red flag for anyone dating Juan Pablo.  It says he's either hung up on his ex or completely averse to commitment of any kind.

Claire says he took her being pouty like a man, and then said the fact that he loves his daughter is a quality not every man has, and that makes her want him to father her babies.  Let's throw on some sweats and hang out!  I'm confused as to how Juan Pablo knows what Hammer Pants are, but doesn't understand the term "I was ready to bolt."  He gives Claire a rose, and so at least he didn't dump her.  There was no implied sex this time, but plenty of kissing again.  Safe are Claire, Andi, and Sharleen....let's send somebody home!

Cassandra already got sent home, so I'm assuming only one more is hitting the road.  My money is on Kat, if only because she's the only non-Cassandra girl not to get an on-screen kiss this week.  However, Sharleen and her "I can't decide if I'm too good for the bachelor or not" personality might torpedo that idea.  The girls are all tight-lipped, and Juan Pablo isn't getting much interaction from the ladies.  He's not digging the vibe.  He pulls Nikki aside first, and he just out of nowhere lets her know that he's wearing pink underwear.  Ooof.  They then alternate between inane flirting and serious "this is what I want out of life" conversation.  Also, they kiss a lot....but not in front of Camilla, because that would be bad.

Renee is up next, and she's scared because she knows that he could pull the kid card at any time.  She's right, but then again, he's not going off both the single moms in the same week.  He then praises Renee for the way she talks about her son, which could also be seen as an insult to Cassandra - did she not light up as much when she talked about her son? - but whatever.  He makes out with Renee.  Again.  I know that every bachelor/bachelorette makes out with their suitors a lot, but my goodness Juan Pablo seems to be raising the bar to a whole new level.

Chelsie is a fast-talker.  She's super nervous and not making much sense, and Juan Pablo has a look like he's not listening to her at all.  Of course he says he understands her completely, then gives her a kiss on the cheek.  NOT GOOD CHELSIE.

Kat gets her chance, and she talks about her journal.  Or at least she starts talking about that, and then goes into how her dad was so drunk that she had to crawl into her sister's crib to calm her down.  That is an awful story, and I can totally see how that would screw you up for life.  I was a little skeptical about Kat possibly exaggerating her sob story, but now I take it back   She also doesn't get a kiss.  Clearly it's either Chelsie or Kat.

Juan Pablo says he thinks his wife is one of the girls in the room....but who?  Renee and Nikki get roses, as expected, and the last rose goes to........Chelsie!  No need to back to Ohiozealand yet!  Kat and her daddy issues are going to need some serious therapy.  I can't imagine how messed up it must be to share something so personal and get dumped a few hours later.  No wonder she doesn't trust men.

Sharleen is really having conflicting emotions, and she's not sure that she can take it anymore...but she's going to take a trip to Miami to make her decision.  I'll make the decision for her....she should go home now.  Even if they got engaged, there's no way they'd make it to the altar.

Enough Bacheloring - is curling on yet?

Bachelor Week 5 - Juan Pablo is a Grande A-Hole. Mucho Grande.

Vietnam!  We continue our tour of Asia, and it looks like the humidity is starting to wreak havoc on our ladies hair.  Also, apparently Juan goes to second base with Claire?  So much for taking it slow and not looking like a sleaze bag for CAMEEEEEEEELA!   Since his self proclaimed nookie ban lasted all of one conversation with a girl he was planning on getting rid of anyways, is he free to make out with anyone?  He's kissed six women, there's eleven left....that's only 17 total (assuming no repeat smooches) which is under his threshold for embarrassing his daughter.  He's good to go.

First up is Renee, who is so excited to get a one on date that her palms hurt.  Not "are sweaty", they hurt.  Is this a common reaction?  I know that when I met Rachel, I knew I was really into her because my ankle started clicking, but sore palms?

That's a total joke, I have never felt any pain on account of my feelings for Rachel.  Sarcasm is tough to convey sometimes.

Anyways, Renee is ready to head out for her group date and the girls fake being supportive, saying things like "good luck" and "cute shorts!"  I'm guessing they really meant, "hope to see you at The Women Tell All Special in a few weeks" and "ugh those shorts are so not made for someone with her hip structure!"  Girls suck.

"Renee's so cuuuuuuuuute" Juan Pablo croons.  This guy gets more and more sleazy the more I see of him.  He's excited to have a good date and eat some weird stuff.  But first, Renee, you sit in a stroller for adults and Juan will pedal push you like a little kid.  How awkward.  Juan takes her to a dress shop, where he's going to get Renee into a form fitting dress which apparently is a metaphor for him seeing if they fit well together.  "Ooooh thirty-six!" Juan Pablo drawls as a lady takes her measurements.  What a perv.  At least he got her a fan because she was sweaty.  I'm not sure if it's because he was sympathetic to her being hot, or that he didn't want her being all stank while he's rubbing up on her later.  Renee seems to have a good head on her shoulders except when she's around Juan Pablo.  When he suggests looking for gifts for their kids, she melts as if this is a hugely kindhearted gesture.  I don't know a single parent that wouldn't look for a gift for their children while they were traveling without them.  It's almost expected of parents - you're slacking on your parental duties if you're not bringing home a Vietnamese stuffed animal in your carry-on guys.

In any event, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Juan is really looking forward to dinner - or maybe it's just see Renee in her custom dress!  To show how far off they are on this date, when she does show up in the dress, Renee says "he pulls me into this hug that is so sweet and sincere" while Juan Pablo meows at her and gushes about how hot she looks.

Getting into dinner, Juan wants to know about her baby daddy.  She kind of brushes off the question, saying only that they were young and grew apart.  She does mention that their relationship is good now, but also throws in that they "make it work" for Ben.  Renee really wants a kiss, leaning in and closing her eyes, but Juan Pablo just brushes the hair out of her face.  She's getting the Lauren treatment so far!

Back at the house Andi finds out she's on another group date, and she's pissed.  "How long to I have to wait?" she moans.  It's funny, because it reminds me of moaning about getting a raise of only $1,000 - sure you were hoping for more, but at the end of the day, you're still getting more money and are still employed.

Renee gets the rose, but not really the make-out session she's hoping for - yet.  Juan says he's shutting Renee down because her son will see this and have all sorts of questions.  Apparently his daughter is still not old enough to comprehend him making out with multiple women so it's OK for him to kiss a bunch of single ladies, but out of respect for the single mom, he can't allow her to kiss one guy.  Nevermind the fact that this date happened MONTHS ago and undoubtedly if Renee's still around Juan Pablo has met the freaking kid.  Renee's days may be numbered here - eventually she's going to have a Lauren-level freak out on the guy, and we saw what happened to her.

Time for the group date, and let's hop in giant coconut shell boats!  Everyone goes two to a boat, and nobody wants to be Claire's partner, so Juan Pablo takes her as his first mate.  Of course they get "stuck" in a grove of trees and so Juan Pablo takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down her throat, almost toppling the boat.  His duplicity with how he doles out kisses is awful.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Nikki quips "I'm glad I'm on the one on one date, because if I was on another group date and didn't get the rose....that's stupid, I always do!"  I don't care if it was staged, that was kind of funny.

Back on the group date, the girls are put to work in a community garden.  Andi is pouting and off by herself, which if history has taught us anything, will probably result in her getting the group date rose....that is assuming nobody else is off pouting.  As they eat the dinner (how hilarious would it be if they slipped some octopus into Claire's meal and didn't mention it to her?)  the girls all bitch about how much time Juan spent with Claire in the coconut boat, but in a jokey way so he thinks they really don't care all that much.  He seems perfectly content with this, and Claire certainly isn't complaining. Juan toasts the women, and then squires off Claire for the first one-on-one time.  This is not sitting well with the girls at all, who spend their entire time wondering if Juan Pablo has gotten to second base with Claire.  Meanwhile, Juan says he's looking for a girl who loves him and his daughter, is smart, pretty, funny and mature.  So basically what everyone is looking for.

He then takes her back to his suite.  Can we put the ring on her finger now?  Unless he's doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on the other girls to see how they react to him having other interests...in which case most of them are failing.  I also loved how she claims that Juan Pablo is "melting the ice queen."  Has she EVER given the impression she was an ice queen.  Sharleen and her amazing back (which has gotten more airtime than just about any body part on this show other than Sean Lowe's abs) go next, and she's determined to show Juan Pablo that she's a "panda in a room full of brown bears."  This is my new favorite analogy, especially because brown bears about about a thousand times cooler than panda bears.  You ever see a panda bear do this? 

Andi also gets some smooch-time, and suddenly she's back to feeling like things are good between her and JP.  Until of course Claire is awarded the rose - now she's convinced he's an assbag again.  Again, what did you think was going to happen on this show?????  How is it that women are never prepared for the reality that you're not going to be the only one he spends time with/kisses?  Drives me insane.

Date's over, and the girls are back at the house decompressing after the date....but Claire's feeling tired and she's off to bed.  PSYCHE LADIES I'M GOING SKINNY DIPPING WITH YO MAN!!!!  Ok, I guess they're keeping their clothes on.  But she seductively asks Juan Pablo to go out in the ocean with her, and of course Juan Pablo, being the fake douchebag he is, claims he's going to do this because he doesn't want Claire to feel uncomfortable.  I assume this means that he doesn't want to send her mixed signals by making out with her, giving her a rose,  and then turning her down for a little midnight hanky panky in the ocean.  Again, he has no problem making the other girls feel uncomfortable by letting Claire monopolize his time and doing a little coconut-boat tongue wrestling whilst the other girls are in his midst.  This is all about Juan Pablo.  But then again, can you blame him?  He's got two dozen gorgeous ladies vying for him and ABC turning him into the 21st century Fabio.

Nikki's ready for her date, and she looks like she's ready to play a round of tennis with Steffi Graf.  What's up with headband?  Juan Pablo says he had a great time with Claire last night (apparently the other 8 ladies didn't register at all) but he's looking forward to seeing Nikki today, because, "she's sexy too."  Your daughter is learning SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, GALAVAIS!!

Time for another one on one extreme date!  This time we're repelling into Hell.  Shockingly, Nikki is afraid of heights.  What a coincidence that Juan Pablo picked her for this specific date!  Nikki sees only three possible outcomes of this experience:  Live, die, or poop her pants.  Got that everyone?  Pooping your pants is some sort of purgatory between living and dying.  Will she be the first person to turn down an extreme event?  Nope!  This is like falling in love, because she's just got to go for it!  Good thing Juan Pablo is there to pat her on the ass and tell her he's right there.  Time to fast forward to them at the bottom.....oh no wait it's time to make out on the side of a cliff!  Now that she's got an injection of some Venezuelan saliva with its mystical courage powers, she can make it to the bottom! Give me another dose of that magic spit, Juan Pablo!

The recap the date, and to be honest, they do sound like a couple that just had sex for the first time.  "Looking back, I can't believe I did that...but I'd do it again, and maybe I'd be better the next time," Nikki says.  "You weren't bad," Juan Pablo coos.  "You had quite the view, didn't you?" Nikki purrs.  Ugh kill me now.  I hope your parents break in on your next cave jump you horndogs.  Moving on, Juan Pablo asks her for what seems like the 40th time about her being a pediatric nurse.  She of course loves the attention he's showing her, claiming that in her last relationship her boyfriend wasn't interested in her.  How long did this relationship last, because I hope it wasn't long.  And if it wasn't long, I'm wondering why it's even worth mentioning.  She gets the rose.  I don't know what the stats are on one-on-one dates resulting in a rose, but it's gotta be north of 90%.  Juan Pablo loves her heart, but he seems to think it's in her mouth, because he's inspecting that like it could hold the secret to curing cancer.  "This is a potential wife" he says, because that's what we all think while making out with a girl in a mini-dress in a cave in Vietnam.

Juan Pablo lowers the boom on the ladies, saying he's sending home 3 of them tonight.  With three already safe, that leaves eight women vying for the five roses.  My predictions are Danielle, Alli (who is definitely not the same as Andi although you could've fooled me) and Chelsie.  Andi gets her alone time and they have a little serious talk before she wants him to lighten the mood by saying something funny in Spanish.  Juan says "give me a little kiss" which isn't funny at all, and is really a way to not talk anymore, but she concedes and then goes all Oliver Twist and pleads "please sir can I have another?"  Ugh.

Renee finally gets her kiss, but she has to basically demand it by saying her son is a very mature eight year old.  My wife says "she's definitely my favorite, probably because she's old an a mom."  I kind of agree, in that she's the one I can most relate to.  Her giddiness seems sort of genuine in that "I've been focusing all my time and energy on my son lately and it feels so good to get some me time with a sexy Venezuelan!" way.

If Juan Pablo's saliva gives ladies courage, apparently Renee's spit gives Juan Pablo a sense of morality.  All of a sudden NOW he thinks he might have maybe been taking things a little too far with Claire and feels the need to tell her that she needs to back off a little bit, citing how his daughter will view it.  This might be the biggest dick move of all time - putting this on Claire.  Claire didn't coerce him into that ocean.  Claire didn't beg him to take her back to his suite.  HE did these things knowing full well his daughter was going to eventually see them one day.  This is a little like buying a super expensive outfit, wearing it to a party and sweating all over it, but keeping the tag on so you can return it once you're done using it.  Congrats Claire, you're a tux from Mr. Formal on prom night, and Juan Pablo just blamed you for the creamy alfredo sauce he spilled on you.

I hate how these girls all feel like they've made mistakes when the Bachelor pulls this hypocritical crap on them.   Even when Claire rightly asks him why he said yes if this was how he was going to react, and he flips it on her and basically says "you left me no choice because you were so happy and had all that positive emotion pouring out of you, I couldn't say no. YOU MADE ME SHAME MYSELF IN MY DAUGHTERS EYES YOU HUSSY!"  You're dead to me, Juan Pablo.  I take back every nice thing I ever said about your deceptively charming self.  Worse, you made Claire - the closest thing we have to a villain on this season - a sympathetic character!  I have nobody left to root against, except for maybe you.  But if you lose, then all the ladies lose too.  You're messing with established story lines here, Pabs.  I do not approve.


Rose Ceremony time, and he kept Cassandra, Sharleen the Panda, Chelsie (missed this one), Kat, and Andi.  So I was right about Alli and Danielle, but Dog Lover Kelly gets the axe in Chelsie's place.  Two out of three right, but then again, those were the obvious two in that nobody was really sure who in the hell they were the whole season.  If he's crying when he sends home these three relatively anonymous people, how awful are the next few weeks going to be?

Bachelor Week 4: Seoul Train

Going international this week!  Time to say goodbye to Ca-MEEEE-lah.  "It's sad to say goodbye to someone I care about," Juan Pablo laments.  "Someone I care about" sounds like something you'd say about a good friend, or an ex girlfriend that you're on good terms with, not your daughter.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the ladies it's time to board a jet for the "home of K-Pop and Gagnam Style."  The girls start screaming, but you can tell that half of the girls have no clue where they're going yet.  Also, apparently South Korea is known for it's catchy music and nothing else.  To me, South Korea will always remind me of Janet Evans at the 1988 Olympics.  I'm not sure why, but I was completely enamored with her, she was my first Olympic hero.  Claire takes the early lead in the "Ignorant American" contest, remarking how she "doesn't even have a kimono."

The girls seem pretty chummy with each other as they tour the city and explore every inch of their hotel suite.  Seems in stark contrast to all the previews and the solo confessionals ABC shows.  True to form, as soon as Nikki starts whining about not getting one on one time, she's predictably thrown in on another group date.  I wonder if the girl chose to read the date card has to read it multiple times with the names in different orders, pausing before reading the last name each time, so that ABC can get the right shot, or if there's some tricky editing that goes on to fit the situation.  No less than one second after Nikki found out that she's on the group date, she starts trashing the other girls as "annoying" and bitching that her head is going to explode.  So much for the sorority sister-bff vibe of the previous day!

How is it that the girls have no clue where they're going?  Didn't Chris tell them that Korea was the home of K-Pop?  That's literally the only thing he told them about Korea!  Maybe some of them don't know what K-Pop is, but all of them?  Apparently Korea's biggest pop group is a group called "21."  I'd disagree because I've never heard of them and I have heard of Girls Generation.  Nikki, after a little more whining about how group dates suck (she's losing points here for pouting), all of a sudden is star-struck about meeting a group with 77 million youtube views that she'd never heard of.  Also, for reference, this catchy little ditty by Girls Generation has 114 million views:

21 (who I'm starting to think is the biggest pop group in Korea that also happens to speak flawless English for the convenience of an American television audience) asks who's going first on the dance floor, and Juan Pablo throws himself into it like the super good looking dork that he is.  Kat is consistently showing that her bucket list contains only one item: to be in a music video.  Nikki opts for the classic "I suck at this, so I'm going to make this as awkward as possible for everyone by pouting and half-assing everything" move, all the while dissing Kat for taking it seriously and actually trying to help the other girls learn the moves that come naturally to her.  Nikki is in a free fall right now on my draft board.  She needs to get back to the lovable nurse that seemed well adjusted and not crazy jealous psycho that boarded the plane to Korea.  

Cassandra does an admirable job of pretending that she's never danced in front of thousands of people  before, and Chelsie makes me feel old by saying her childhood dream was to be Britney Spears backup dancer.  Fashion in Korea is apparently thirty years behind America, because they're all dressed up in '80s garb.  The girls all love their outfits, except of course Nikki, who looks like sad, female Justin Bieber.  I could not like her any less right now.  Kat seems to think everyone's there to see her (no they're not.)  I'm confused why everyone seems to think it would be so cool to be a backup dancer.  Quick name me one backup dancer not named Federline.  NOBODY CARES IF YOU'RE A BACKUP DANCER!  If you go to an Usher concert, are you really watching the backup dancers?  When Ke$ha was on Saturday Night Live, did I pay a lick of attention to the backup dancers?  No.  Aim higher ladies!  Your dream should be to have backup dancers!  Of course, if you're willing to be one of 25 ladies in Juan Pablo's harem (and let's be honest, they'd have been on the show no matter who the bachelor was) then you're probably ok with playing second fiddle you're whole life.

Nikki gets in one more dig about Kat's dancing ability.  I'm guessing that if this date was about giving a kid an IV drip or a blood draw or something she wouldn't take over that date.  She's being very petty right now.  Kat's got her one on one time with Juan Pablo, and Nikki takes that time to trash her to the rest of the girls - and judging by their faces, they're not really agreeing with her, and Kat is using her one on one time to tell Juan Pablo about her parent's divorce twenty years ago.  How is this still an issue for her?  Why is she crying?  Look, I'm not saying that divorce isn't a traumatic thing, because it is.  But really?  

Meanwhile Elise confirms my suspicions - the girls aren't really jumping on Nikki's hate train.  Nikki, after talking about how Kat is one way around the girls and another when the camera's come on, does a bit of the same thing by shedding all her negativity and pettiness when she gets her time with Juan Pablo.  Now she's excited and "giddy."  Juan Pablo asks her how she feels about Camilla - which of course she says she loves kids and then curiously says that she's ready to be step-mom and that she's a great diaper changer.  Camilla's four going on fourteen from the clips they've shown of her....not exactly diaper age.  I suppose there's a chance that she's still in diapers, but if she is, oh my god I feel bad for Juan Pablo.  Jocie's not even 2 and a half yet, and I'm like twitching at the idea of her being in diapers for another year and a half.  

Elise, after calling Nikki the most negative person in the house, immediately says "yuck" when she realizes Nikki gets the first rose.  Kat still can't believe that her popping and locking didn't result in a rose.  Nikki now has two group dates and two roses from those dates.  I'd say she's sitting pretty.  Juan Pablo doesn't need to take her on a one on one because he doesn't need more time to see if she's worthy of continuing on the show, but he doesn't want her to feel neglected, so he pins that rose on her to let her know he's thinking about her.  Still think she's a lock for the top four, despite being a real whiny girl.

First one-on-one of the Korean adventure goes to Sharleen.  They go to a market, and here's our first mocking the local culture date of the season!  Look they wear funny, uncomfortable dresses!  Korean malls are confusing!  They eat weird stuff!  After they leave the mall, they go to a tea house and Juan Pablo looks at her like a total dork as he says "when did you start singing?"  He has the look of an elementary school reporter.  He asks basic questions and waits for the answer like he just asked a question of a presidential candidate in a debate.  

Sharleen sings for him briefly, after making a big stink about how she didn't want to sing,  and then they kiss.  Sharleen says Juan's a good kisser, but she looks awful when she kisses him.  I'd now like to take the time to thank God that there's not someone with a camera filming every kiss I share with someone, because I probably look awful too.  I mean, I'd say I'm a pretty experienced Pepsi drinker, but I still spill a little bit on my shirt more often than I'd like to admit.  Maybe she really has only ever kissed other opera singers?  They all open their mouths super wide when they're singing, maybe it translates to kissing too?  I mean, if you'd never had pizza before and then you went to Little Caesar's, you'd be able to say truthfully that it's a good pizza, right? 

Sharleen has surprised me this season - I thought I was going to hate her the first night, but since then I've found myself doing less typing and more watching when she's on the screen than any other girl.  It seems like she's surprising herself too, as she keeps saying how surprising it is how much she's enjoying Juan's company.  

Juan then asks how many kids she wants, and ABC feels now is the time to show the girls dishing about how they think Sharleen isn't down with the kids.  Renee leads the charge, even going so far as to say that she doesn't think Sharleen's coming home.  Juan continues to press, and to Sharleen's credit, she tells Juan Pablo the truth, even though she knows it's not what he wants to hear.  She can't even look at him while she tells her story of dating a guy with a daughter and how it didn't go well.  I mean, you can't think of a worse story to tell this guy.  So yes, I admire her for being honest.  And I admire Juan Pablo for acknowledging her honesty and giving her a rose.  True to form, Juan Pablo continues his streak of assuming he knows exactly what's going on in these girls heads.  Has there ever been a person more sure of themselves than Juan Pablo?  I'll bet the guy pisses pure confidence.

Group Date #2 with the leftover women.  We start with karaoke in a giant dollhouse.  Somehow, this might be the thing about Korean culture that isn't mocked by the ladies.  Next they take pictures in a photo booth and ride paddle boats shaped like enormous swans.  Naturally, this is followed by letting fish eat the dead skin off your feet.  Naturally.  This is followed by a trip to a Korean food truck type thing.  Claire just offers up out of nowhere "please tell me we're not eating octopus."  Of course, this is the #1 way to ensure you will be eating octopus.  I think Claire knows this, and ensures that they eat something semi weird that she knows she can handle, but can act like she really made a big leap to prove that she's willing to put herself out there for Juan Pablo.  Dog Lover (is her name Kellie?  I forget) makes a really tacky oral sex joke (as if the size of the octopus was the issue) and Claire dramatically chokes down the cephalopod morsel.  

After party time!  Renee gets the first one-on-one time, and says that "it's getting easier" to be away from her son.  Ben, your therapist will see you now.  Renee says how much she wants to kiss Juan Pablo, and then thinks the best way to do this is to mention kissing and his daughter in the same sentence.  Boom goes the dynamite.  Mood has been obliterated.  Juan Pablo then boasts to the camera "I've kissed six girls already, but I don't want my daughter to see me kissing twenty."  As a dad, I can safely say you only have to do something once for your kid to pick up on it.  It doesn't matter if you pick your nose once or seventeen times.  If your kid sees you doing it, they're going to think it's ok.   If you don't wear your seatbelt on one trip to the store out of hundreds of trips to the store, that's the one trip they're going to remember.  

All the girls are really hung up on this kissing business, but none more than Lauren the awkward piano cyclist.  She thinks that his refusal to kiss her means he's just not that into her.  Juan Pablo has set a precedent here, and when you change the rules of the game halfway through, people get kind of pissed.  You can't just play Calvinball with people's emotions.  Lauren's got a right to be upset.  Juan tells her to trust her gut, which is his way of saying "just send yourself home."  Renee surprisingly cedes her role as comforting mother to Andi, who is nowhere near as good at it as Renee is.  She actually said "you're probably just friends!" before she realizes the awfulness of her mistake by saying "but relationships can start as friends!"  Lauren, you got put in a really bad situation tonight, and my heart goes out to you.  

Compounding the situation is Claire playing the stupid girl.  "OMG I ATE OCTOPUS!"  I take it back, she's not playing the stupid girl, she is the stupid girl.  Juan Pablo then calvinball's the group by basically saying his no kissing rule applies only to girls he hasn't already kissed.  If he thinks Claire isn't going to tell the other girls he kissed her, he's an idiot.  I hope that kiss was good, because you just sacrificed a lot of sanity the rest of the season for a few minutes of making out.  At this point, Lauren should go home.  I never read that "He's Just Not That Into You" book, but I'd imagine that one of the chapters was "he says he's not ready to kiss you, then kisses some one else later that night."  As my buddy Charles Ramsey would say, "dead giveaway!"  Andi gets the rose, evidently for telling him he's a bad dancer.  Never underestimate the power of an insult when flirting.  We are a stupid stupid species.

Claire talks about how great stepping out of her comfort zone is.  Ugh.  Then she just starts to go into how amazing her dad was, and how she's waited for so long to find "the one" because of that when Nikki swoops in to steal him.  Claire is not happy.  Nikki's one on one time is a little more substantive, but she leaves it awkwardly when he brings up tension in the house.  Nikki's convinced Claire put this in his head, and voices this concern to Dog Lover, who is already a documented Claire hater.  Claire makes her way over to the two of them.  Rather than handle the situation with a scalpel, Dog Lover takes a sledgehammer to the situation by saying "JP told Nikki he thought there was tension in the house, and this was right after he talked to you, so Nikki thinks you told him she was a cancer to the harem."  I'm done with Dog Lover.  She's not bringing anything to the table, and it doesn't appear her dog made  the trip to Korea, so really what was the point of bringing your dog in the first place?   Claire and Nikki bicker back and forth before ending with Claire telling Nikki she wouldn't give her a rose and Nikki answering back "good thing you're not handing them out."  We'll give that point to Nikki, but barely.  She was like the least of three evils in that situation.  

On to the rose ceremony.  Chris comes in to set everyone on edge by reminding them how long the reject flight home is.  Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen are already safe, and joining them are Renee, Chelsie, Kelly (boooooo!), Danielle (why?), Cassandra (why the long pause before that rose?), Alison (is she Andi's sister?  I didn't even realize they were two different people until right now), Claire (he misses her kisses already!), and Kat.  Gone are Elise and Lauren the rejected kisser.  Lauren got really humiliated on this episode, and I feel bad for her.  She thinks she did something wrong, but I really think she played it well...she just never had a chance from the beginning.  Elise handled it fairly well - although it's hard to make a graceful exit with a dress that looks like a cross between a ball gown and a hooker's uniform.  She really couldn't make up her mind on that one.   Her exit is almost as conflicted as her dress, as she tries to find a respectful way to call all the other girls bitches.  

Apparently Juan Pablo feels he has set a good enough example for his daughter, because next week is all about the making out!  Eesh buddy.  In fifteen years when your daughter is asking you to hustle one boy out the back door so she can welcome another in the front, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.