Ok, so tonight's the night that everyone goes from pretending Juan Pablo is the greatest man to ever grace the planet to pretending that he's the most self centered, arrogant, soulless d-bag ever to put on pants. Let's just all agree that the only reason he's on TV is because he has a body most men couldn't get if they lived in a gym and speaks adorably broken English. OK? Moving on....
I see one guy in the crowd! It's always nice to get the reassurance that I'm not the only one interested in this crap. OK, so that guy's probably here because he's hoping to score points with the girl he met on eharmony.com a few weeks ago. Chris gets the crowd warmed up, and here come the ladie.....
Oh no.....
no.....
nonononononononono
Not Catherine and Sean. Let's talk about them having sex. Let's talk about them having sex and it not lasting very long! Hahahahaha. Chris lets Sean know that he's not the only person to ever prematurely evacuate, and Catherine makes a very low-degree-of-difficulty joke about Sean being old and needing to have kids soon. Then we talk about a sting ray latching on to Sean's man parts on the honeymoon. Unless Catherine's nickname is "the sting ray" I'm calling B.S. How would that even happen unless you're skinny dipping, and we all know that good, honest, salt of the earth Sean would never do anything so raunchy. Let's just all pretend that never happened.
Oh look, Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison doing a bit with the Muppets. Let's pretend this never happened either. I'm calling this the low point of Kermit's career.
Ok, now it's finally time to start the show. Based on the reactions of the crowd, Andi is your next Bachelorette, and it's not really even that close. We've got quite a few people we barely remember. Now we get a montage of the girl talking about how amazing he is. This is where we build up the Jenga Tower before knocking it down. He's hot, he plays soccer, he can dance, and he makes goofy faces in every picture.
Time to start taking a sledgehammer to the image that is Juan Pablo - "it was all surface level talk," says Alli. "We never got past talking about the kids, said Cassandra." "Don't you want a relationship outside your kids?" say THE GIRL WITH A DOG ON HER LAP!!!!!!! This girl is the first person to bring a pet on the show, allowed herself to be referred to as a professional "dog lover" and then brings her dog back to this special is talking about having a relationship that doesn't revolve around some central focus? Your arguments are invalid Kelly.
A lot of these girls look much tanner now than they did on the show. Is it the lighting, or am I imagining things? Now the hate's starting to focus on Camilla (that he used her as a shield), and thankfully Chris steers the conversation quickly away from a bunch of 20somethings talking crap about a preschooler. The conversation then shifts to Juan Pablo and his ever-changing morals. Cassandra actually says the most intelligent thing so far - that the fact that he's making out with her and not with Renee means he's disrespecting either one or the other.
Now the conversation shifts to Clare in Vietnam, and the girls somehow decide Juan Pablo's spending his one-on-one time with Clare in the hot tub was way more disrespectful than a late night romp in the ocean. Then, in maybe the MOST SHOCKING Women Tell All moment ever (you see what I did there?) the girls all agree that Clare did not circumvent the rules or "cheat" at all by going for some after hours swimming. Other people that went for a little "extra credit" (I'm thinking of Michelle Money and Courtney in particular) were vilified for this. That is how much these women hate Juan Pablo. Incredible.
Sharleen is the first to grace the hot seat, and claims she was "just being honest" (see what she did there?) and basically says that there were sometimes that he was so attractive that she pretty much forgot that he had teeny-tiny brain. We then get a two minute recap of their two month "courtship" that ended with her whispering goodbye and leaving in some weird beige shorts that I totally don't remember. They kind of remind me of a designer version of a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist that some beggar child on the streets of Calcutta would wear.
Sharleen admits that she over-thinks things, which is pretty good self diagnosis. It's probably better than the alternative of not thinking enough (cough cough Juan Pablo), and then she comes to Juan Pablo's defense and says that they actually had intellectual conversations and that he did want to know about her and asked questions. Sharleen admits she knew he liked her, but that she doesn't regret leaving, because "it has to be a two way street." Juan Pablo's only defender just kind of cut him down. Sorry bud, that's as good as it's going to get for you tonight I fear.
Next up is Renee, who Chris harshly introduces as "she thought a proposal might be coming, but it did not." Renee sums up her relationship by saying "it was weird." The term single parent is brought up like sixteen times, which always makes me bristle because the stereotype of that is that they are getting absolutely zero support from the child's other parent, which I think is more often than not incorrect. Even in her exit interview, she says something about how hard it is to find love as a single mom - as if the fact that she has a kid was the overriding factor in her being dumped.
There's a lot of conversation about kissing (who he kissed, when he kissed them, what he said before he kissed people, etc.) Renee then says that "being a single parent" isn't something that you bring up right away when dating, but she did with Juan Pablo. My question is why wouldn't it be something you'd bring up right away? Seems like you'd want to get that out there right away. For me, my kids are pretty much the best thing about me, so of course I'm going to talk about them a lot. Just seems strange that you'd hide the fact you have a kid in any circumstance.
Moving on to Andi - She recaps what she liked about Juan Pablo - he was attractive and she enjoyed spending time with him - before getting into how he talked about how awesome he was in the fantasy suite. She then says he was being very negative about the whole TV show process and that he wasn't grateful for the opportunity. To that I say "would you be grateful for an opportunity to stand there and face 25 women you've dumped?" I'm not sure he's got anything to be grateful for tonight.
The worst thing about this interview is that we just saw all this crap last week, and now we're rehashing it again. She explains that he was rude and hurtful, but he didn't intend to be. So he's just an idiot is what we're getting out of this. Oh, and she pretended to be asleep, which is apparently hilarious, but who hasn't done that, and not even in an awkward situation? Sometimes you're just done talking or cuddling or you're so insanely hot because the other person is like a little mini furnace under your covers and you need some space so you fake snort and roll over like you're in the middle of a fitful dream to clear yourself some bed space. At least I hope everyone does that. Otherwise I need to apologize to my wife.
Andi concludes by saying "she's still looking" and that she's "not going to sit here and knock the process" which is code for "PLEASE MAKE ME THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!" With Renee making it known that she's happily dating, I'd say you're going to get your wish Andi.
Finally, we bring out Juan Pablo, and he gets a more positive reaction than you would've expected from the crowd. He says that "he hopes can be friends with" some of the people in the room. I think a lot of this is cultural - my opinion of the whole situation is that people in Latin countries are more direct and more HONEST in their dealings than we are here in America. We all like to pretend that the way we handle situations is the "right" way here in 'Merica, which isn't always the case. We shun the metric system like it's "weird" when in reality it makes a heck of a lot more sense.
Anyways, the girls go back and forth about how his honesty wasn't always exactly honest, and that he treated certain people differently - which makes sense, since you know, they're different people. Juan Pablo points out that leaving a kid at home is different than leaving other things (which I agree with him) and then Andi also says that he was good about some things and there are "some things she still doesn't like about him," to which Juan Pablo replies "it's OK." which makes everyone laugh, and all of sudden it seems more like everyone's friends that annoy each other from time to time (like just about everyone in the world.)
In the end, I feel like this was a constructive dialogue. I think they've all come to an agreement to disagree on things, but at least they understand each other and so we're all good....oh no wait we need to bring up the fact that he made a regrettable comment about homosexuality. Juan Pablo apologizes and says that he'd appreciate the fact to talk to Kelly after the show in private, but noooo, we need to grill him right now. Thankfully Sharleen shuts down the conversation and we're able to move on to the bloopers. Nothing really noteworthy (women dancing, wind blowing things over, Juan Pablo referring to his daughter as his "little package")...and we're done. Surprised they didn't bring out Nikki or Clare, as it would've been fun to see how the girls interacted with them. We do get the girls input on what they think is going to happen and how everyone agrees that it's interesting that they're very different women.
And now we get the preview of a Bachelor finale unlike any other Chris Harrison promised us guys! It's going to be different this time!! It seems like from the previews that Juan's family is just like him - very honest. His dad calls him "not an easy guy to live with" and his mom says she "thinks he's ready." Clearly not what the girls want to hear, but maybe that gives them a little insight into why he is the way he is?
Oh and then we close with the audience getting their 2 seconds of fame by telling us things like "he's going to pick one of the girls" and other vast generalizations. Glad this season's going to be over soon. I can't take all the angst. I know I just defended everyone for being honest, but it turns out that deep down I'm a Real American and prefer my Reality TV where everyone pretends that fairy tale romances are the norm and cry crocodile tears when that image is shattered.
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