Bachelor Season XX, Week 8: HOMETOWNS

Ah, hometowns.  The time when everyone stops pretending that it's easy to marry someone you've only known for a month and gets real....well at least real-ish.  To the tape!

Hometown #1: Amanda (Orange County, CA)
Pre-family visit activity: Day at the beach.  Amanda shows up wearing tiny jean shorts and what looks to be the bottom half of a sweater.  The physics of what keeps that thing from falling to her waist are taught in a science class higher than anything I took.  Ben's got on a shirt and shorts.  Naturally, Amanda's kids show up wearing dresses and laced up knee high native-American moccasins.  Ben is nervous about what to do with the kids.  "They'll love it if you chase them," Amanda suggests.  Because all kids love being chased by strangers.  The older daughter seems fine playing with this guy, but the younger daughter, Charlie, is having none of it.  At one point, Ben picks her up like Arnold Schwarzenegger picking up a kid on his first day undercover in Kindergarten Cop - just hold her at arms length and talk to her like she's a puppy.  This whole thing is kind of weird.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Calling your girlfriend by your mom's name.

It could've been worse - the family kinda treated him with kid gloves, raising the point that "you can't go to the gym with your buddies" whenever you want with kids.  Ben says he never even considered being a step dad until he was dating Amanda, a woman who has kids.  Probably a good plan.  I don't know many men who go around trying to find single moms to date so they can become dads right away.  That's borderline creepy.  Amanda breaks down talking to her mom, saying "I think I've been so focused on the kids because that's what happy families do." No, that's what good parents do.  Also, for someone so focused on her kids, I was a little put off by her taking an upset Charlie to her crib, dropping her in there without a word and walking out to talk to Ben some more.  I'm sure there's some study that says putting your kids in a room by themselves when they're hysterically crying is good for them, but it makes me uncomfortable.

Sibling Factor: Almost none.  I think she had a sister, but she was pretty unremarkable.  Not sure she even talked.

Hometown #2: Lauren (Portland, OR)
Pre-family visit activity: Walking around downtown Portland and eating at food carts.  If I was going to give someone a tour of Portland, it'd probably include that.  I approve.  They end up a the whiskey library, something I've never heard of, but looks pretty cool. Lauren coos "I could sit in a room in total silence with Ben and be totally fulfilled."  I think she forgot to mention that that room needs to be filled with a wall of whiskey bottles from floor to ceiling. Lauren also gets docked for offering up that Portland is the City of Roses but not being able to back up her claim when Ben asks where the roses are.  I thought the Portland Rose Garden was prett y common knowledge.  I guess not.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Having your hand graze someone's butt on the bus when it stops abruptly.

Really not too awkward at all.  I was a little uncomfortable with the families insistence on calling her LoLo, as it's not a nickname that's ever been alluded to before on the show, and really, her going to by LoLo would've solved the four Lauren problem we had early on.  In what would be a common theme, the parents want to know what it is about their daughter that Ben likes.  Ben gives non-answers most of the time. I will give him credit for one thing: when Lauren's dad asks how Ben is handling meeting four families, he immediately answers "not well." It was probably the most real, honest answer anyone has ever given on this show.

Sibling Factor: Her sister was off the charts the star of this family. Before Ben and Lauren show up, she whines to her parents "If I brought a guy home after a month, you would have a lot of questions." Even better was the mom saying "well yeah, but that's you.  This is our LoLo," as if Lauren's judgement is above reproach, but her sister could be prone to bringing home a pimp or drug dealer at any moment.  There's a real sense of jealousy I got from her, as she tells Ben "my sister is pretty, smart, motivated, basically amazing....what do you see in her?" Ben starts crying.  Lauren's sister is all too eager to console him with a hug, as if to say "if it doesn't work out.....call me."  Bonus awkwardness in the final scene as the credits roll as her teenage brothers inquire about the fantasy suite.  Ben says "I'll never put your sister in a position that would be demeaning to her." Dude, you can't talk about "positions" when referencing the fantasy suite.  Guess the kinky stuff is out, Lauren.

Hometown #3: Caila (Hudson, OH)
Pre-family visit activity: A walk around her high school/college? I'm not sure what that was.  This is followed by a trip to her dad's toy factory to makea playhouse.  I thought this was fun and cool, but I seriously wonder what happens to that custom toy house if he picks someone else.  It'd be so ABC to film it being dropped off at Caila's house as she returns home after being dumped.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level: Asking the woman next to you on a cross-country flight when she's due when she's not pregnant.

Caila's dad makes a big deal about how awesome it is to marry a Philippino, which just seems stereotypical.  Nobody says "I hope you're ready to marry a Mexican, their families are awesome!" or "When you marry a white person, just know that they'll all act like they're super close, but really they just talk shit behind each other's backs, yet still demand everyone bend over backwards to make it to Easter dinner despite not going to church together since 1994." Caila has the emotional maturity of a twelve year old.  She continually calls her mom "mommy" and gushes about how Ben is "the one." Where her dad told her to calm down and be pragmatic about this, her mom is like "girl you get downstairs, jump into his arms, wrap your legs around his waist and show him how much you love him!" Those Philippino women......

Sibling Factor: Nil.  There's a brother, he says nothing.

Hometown #4: JoJo (Dallas, TX)
Pre-family visit activity: Talking about her ex-boyfriend.  Chad conveniently has been stalking her house and waiting for her to return to give her flowers.  Either that, or he's been buying a fresh bouquet of roses every day and placing them on her doorstep every day she's been gone.  Given that the dude is trying to get back together whith her over the phone, I'd guess the first.  He makes the very unconvincing argument of "baby, now that you're not around, I totally get how awesome it was to have you doing my laundry and making my food." She doesn't buy it, but she's clearly rattled.  Ben is also put off....as apparently this has happened to him before.  I can relate.  One time in college, I met a girl through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty well.  She invited me to visit her over spring break at her college in California.  I headed off on the ten hour drive, calling her before I left.  She was stoked.  I was stoked.  Somewhere outside of Redding, I called again and left a message.  By the time I arrived, something was clearly off.  The next day she let me know that her ex had called while driving down and wanted another chance. She was considering it, and therefore offered to pay for my oil change and sent me on my way.  Not the best spring break I ever had.

Family Visit Awkwardness Level:

I just don't think it could've been more awkward.  Her mom's face has been pumped so full of botox she looks like the cheshire cat.  Her dad just looks like he gave up about thirty years ago and has just let his wife and his kids spend his money with impunity since.  Mom seemed to have no clue how the show worked, and was like "you love him, he loves you, what's the problem?" When JoJo says "well, there's three other girls" she was genuinely shocked.  And then there were her brothers.

Sibling factor: Holy mother of God.  There's being protective of your sister, and then there's these guys.  Their concern seemed less out of protection, and more out of some form of jealously that JoJo would rather sleep with Ben than them.  The way they ran to hug her when she came through the door was weird, and it just got worse from there.  JoJo's brothers and Catherine's (Sean's season) sisters would probably get along great.  Ben was in the impossible situation of not being able to express how he really feels about JoJo while being told that they question his sincerity of feelings for their sister.  Also, where the hell was JoJo while this was going on?  Literally the entire family is there bagging on Ben, while she's doing what?  Playing Xbox?  Powdering her nose?  I don't get it.  I'd have told her her journey was over just for that.

Rose Ceremony

Dress Rankings

JoJo - snazzy red number.  She looked good.
Lauren - Simple black dress.  I also liked this.
Caila - Her emotional age might be 12, but that floral print looked like something on a 65 year old couch.
Amanda - Britney Spears called from 1999.  She wants her dress back.

There was no build up at all, no drama.  Amanda's the odd girl out.  She handles it like a champ, not crying, not getting angry, just saying that she wished he hadn't made her drive out here to be sent home.  She lives in LA right?  How far did she really have to go?  In any event, she left in such a way that Ben has to be wondering if he made the right decision.  Did he make this based on the kids? Will he regret that later?  Who knows.  All we know is that he tells more than one girl he loves her next week.  One time in college, my roommate invited two girls he liked to the same party at our house.  They found out.  I didn't go well.  I'm sure Ben's strategy will go much better.

Bachelor Week....who cares anymore? Hometowns!

A little delayed due to Jocelyn asking me to watch Monsters, Inc. with her last night.  I ended up falling asleep and there was not enough Pepsi Max in the world to help me rally for a two hour trip through these ladies families.  Hooray for lunch breaks and ABC Streaming at my desk!  Let's get it on!


We start with....cows.  Kansas City is known for its cows?  Nikki doesn't seem like a Midwest girl to me, I never picked up on that.  She seems pretty Northeasterner to me.  Let's go.  Nikki says "it could be the one and only time my parents get to talk to him."  Not the most confident statement. 

I get the cow thing now...the barbeque.  I love that most famous BBQ place in Kansas City is called Oklahoma Joe's.  Not Kansas City Joes?  The best place is named after a neighboring state?  Kinda shaky, KC.  After eating some ribs, it's time to ride a mechanical bull.  "After making me dance in Korea, I'm going to make him ride a bull in KC.  Nikki's an experienced bull rider?  I'm confused.  Nikki is impressed at how hot Juan Pablo is on a mechanical bull.  "He's a lot more cowboy than I thought!"  So eating some ribs and riding a fake bull in a western bar makes him a cowboy?  In that case, Nikki, I guess that makes me your huckleberry too!  High five for riding the bull tandem slowly then fake falling off so you can make out on a beer stained padded floor!  So romantic.  In fact, it's so romantic, Nikki can't bring herself to tell Juan Pablo she loves him.  The empty country bar where single people go to find people the want to forget hooking up with the next day just didn't cut it I guess.

Moving on to Nikki's house - and Jesus does it just seem to you that a majority of contestants on this show come from an impressive amount of money?  Granted, real estate prices are probably lower in Missouri, but still that's a NICE house.   Nice touch by Juan Pablo to bring flowers for the mom, nice touch by the dad to tell him he's family because he sat down to dinner.  Everyone seems pretty nice in this situation.  I like the little bit about how the girls flew coach to Korea while Juan Pablo rode first class.  Just another way that ABC makes the ladies feel like he's a huge catch and he's somehow above them.  He's a star, you're a bit player, so you'd be lucky to have this guy pick you.  Just awful, ABC. 

Nikki and her mom talk, and she tells her mom she's in love with JP.  JP and the dad talk, and the super awkward conversation where Juan Pablo says "hypothetically speaking, if I were to ask your daughter to marry me, would you be OK with that?"  Papa Tom says "well I trust my daughter," and then gives the obligatory "if it's not real for you, cut her loose" statement. 

Dad then sits down with Nikki, and grills her on the step-mom thing, which she seems ready for.  Then we get the touching "I love you, you're smart and I support you in everything." Maybe it's a little contrived and cliché, but now that I have a daughter myself, those little moments hit me a little harder.  All in all, this was about the most standard, cookie cutter hometown date of all time.  Nikki kisses him on the porch, Juan Pablo prods her to tell him she loves him, she hesitates, he lingers, she still hesitates, he gives her the "well I've gotta go" ultimatum, and she still balks.  That was pretty much her last chance, and she didn't do it.  Pretty sure she doesn't love him, which is fine.  Telling someone you love them when you really don't is about the worst mistake you can make. However, waiting for the "exact perfect right time" is a bad idea too.  The right time is whenever you say it.  If you say it in line at a Starbucks, that's the right time.  If you say it while cooking a burger on your grill in the backyard, that's right too - so long as you actually mean it.  Sometimes the perfect setting (say sunset on an exotic beach just a flock of dolphins starts jumping in the bay) will make you think "Holy shit, this is like a movie!  I LOVE HIM!" when you're really not ready and then you have what should be a fantastic moment in your life tarnished because you said it to the wrong person and now every time you see a dolphin you hope it gets its stupid little nose stuck in a plastic six pack holder and dies a horrible death.

 Off to Atlanta for Andi's hometown.  Juan Pablo shows up for their "date" wearing what basically looks like a warm-up shirt for baseball practice.  He sees Andi and says "you so preeeeety!"  Andi says "I've got a surprise for you because you've made me do some crazy things."  Juan Pablo asks "what crazy things."  To Andi, crazy stuff is soccer, dancing and karaoke.  So far we've learned that riding a mechanical bull and eating ribs makes you a cowboy, and dancing and playing soccer makes you crazy.  Doesn't take much to impress these ladies, does it?  No wonder they're swooning over his first class plane ticket!  Andi decides to take him to shoot some guns.  Clearly, all Andi and I share in common is a name.   Guns creep me out, and I have no desire to ever shoot one, hold one, see one.  "You want to prove a little manhood in the South, you hold a gun right."  I am not a Southern man.  "We're in Georgia, we're gonna see how he handles a gun."  I am never going to Georgia.  Juan Pablo apparently won't be welcome in her home unless he hits the bullseye on the target.  Strangely, on his first shot, Andi flinches like she's never been around a gun in her life.  What was that?  She's blasting away with automatic weapons, but the sound of a pistol firing at a gun range when you're watching the guy pull the trigger makes you jump?  Guns are weird.  Let's just move on. 

I'm assuming that Juan Pablo hitting the bullseye one out of 25 or so shots is a pretty good metaphor for this whole show, and probably Andi's chances of getting a proposal at the end of all of this.  Let's go have dinner with the parents!  More bad omens - Andi is terrified inside, and she's still "waiting to fall in love."  She feels her parents could be a tipping point in making up her mind for her.  Never a good sign if you need someone else to tell you if you're in love.  Dad's taking the hard line, grilling Juan Pablo about waiting until it's down to eight people to take her on a solo date.  Andi's dad, who's name is Hy, is not digging this at all.  He's taking the realist approach to this, openly acknowledging that his daughter is dating a dude who is dating three other girls.  "We've been married for 30 years" he says, to which Juan Pablo replies "How's it going?"  Oof dude.  Like anyone on earth is going to just acknowledge on the spot that their marriage is failing.  What a terrible question.  Juan Pablo gets a reprieve by speaking to the mom first.  He again puts his foot in his mouth by responding to the "what do you like about my daughter?" question by saying "first of all she's beautiful."  That's worth saying, but to make that the primary thing you like about their daughter? 

Dad gets his chance, and he asks why Juan Pablo is on the show.  Juan Pablo actually has a pretty good response, saying that people who sign up know who he is, know he has a daughter, and know that he's looking to start a family.  Kind of allows him to skip a few steps in the dating process I suppose.  Hy seems content with that answer.  Juan Pablo then asks if he and Camilla would be accepted into the family, at which Hy puffs out his chest and gives the camera the old "it's not about finding someone for Andi, it's about finding someone good enough for Andi."  Uh oh.  Is Hy going to shut this whole thing down?  Turns out, he has the best answer ever to this question, saying "I'm not having this conversation with you until you're 100% sure she's the one for you."  Hy just won this episode.  However, he probably damaged Andi's chances of winning because he definitely didn't make Juan Pablo feel as comfortable as Nikki's dad. 

Further belaboring the issue, Andi's sister tells her that she hasn't heard Andi say "he's the one."  Andi just kinda shrugs and says "yep."  Not a good sign.  Andi then talks to her dad, and definitely doesn't sound like someone who's in love saying "if he dumps me, he dumps me."  Actually ended up liking Andi's family more than I thought I would.  They are intelligent, well mannered, logical people.  Which begs the question as to how their daughter ended up thinking it was a good idea to go on this show.  Andi says she found what she was looking for, and yet she isn't in love with him yet.  "Very, very close though."  Ugh. 

Next up is Renee, who has no doubt that she is madly, crazy, in love with Juan Pablo.  But, will she be able to say it?  Time to start the date by showing up at Ben's little league game.  Nothing makes a kid play well like seeing his mom canoodling on a blanket with some strange dude surrounded by cameras.  Juan Pablo shakes the kids hand and then squeezes his shoulder and starts talking to him like he's four years old.  He's not Camilla, idiot.  I also love that Ben won't even look at Juan Pablo while they talk to each other.  Time for the game to start - do you think ABC mandated that Ben pitch this game?  I'm imagining the coach getting all huffy and saying something like "We're ONE GAME out of first and you want me to shuffle my pitching rotation for your GIRLY SHOW?"  Then ABC shoves a little cash his way and all of a sudden he's "got a hunch" that Ben's going to go out there and throw the game of his life.  Sorry, little Johnny Tucker, you're riding the pine today so Ben's mommy can have a good date before she gets dumped.  Hope your grandparents didn't drive down from Knoxville to see you play today.

We start family time by having the grandparents talk about all the stuff that Renee missed - meeting the coach, the bracelets he's been making.  Way to make her feel crummy, grandma.  This whole family seems to like Juan Pablo, and I'm hoping they don't put the poor kid on the spot and make him answer questions about if he'd be okay with having Juan Pablo be his daddy.  That's just not fair.  Fortunately they didn't go down that path.  We also don't get to see the "would you be OK with me asking your daughter to marry you" sequence, which either means that it didn't happen (UH OH!) or he asked, dad said "of course" and it was so boring that it didn't need to be shown.  We say our goodbyes, and again the girl misses her last chance to say "I love you."  I'm now starting to think this is an ABC mandate that you aren't allowed to tell him you love him before the fantasy suite.  Hmmm...

Alright time for a trip to Claire's hometown of Crazyville, Insania.  Get your popcorn ready! Kansas City is known for its cows, Atlanta had ducks, Sarasota had seagulls, and now Sacramento has honeybees!  I'm learning so much about local wildlife.  Juan Pablo and Claire get right down to the making out and hugging and holding hands.  She kind of reminds me of Isla Fisher's character in Wedding Crashers.  Juan Pablo says that he can't wait to meet her family, because "he can't wait to see why she is the way she is."  Incredible.  We're all thinking that exact same thing.  Claire tells us that it's difficult not having him meet her dad - probably not as difficult as having Juan Pablo meet her dad, amirite?  Sorry, bad death joke.  She then tells kind of a sweet story about how she danced with her dad before he died since she wouldn't get to at her wedding, and you kind of almost want things to turn out OK for Claire.  But then the next moment they're making out again and she's saying obvious things like "you're in Sacramento!" and  I just want her to be off my television. 

Time to meet the mom and sisters.  She can't wait to tell them "everything."  Will she bring up the late night romp in the ocean?  Let's hope so!  Is it concerning that Claire looks like absolutely nobody in her family?  I need to know more about this.  Moving onto dinner, and, yup, the midnight romp comes up right away.  This apparently isn't surprising to anyone, because they just kinda shrug it off.  "Oh, that's just Claire! She's always romping around in her bikini!"  Moving on, Claire talks to sister Madeline - who apparently is the surrogate daddy for Claire.  She seems to trust her the most.  She also says she'd say yes "in a heartbeat."  Time to talk with mom, and the angry sister Laura is kind of speaking for mom.  Why are they talking as if mom isn't there?  What is going on right now?  Claire says that she'd be OK with him turning her down because of how strong she's become because of how her family has supported her.  Laura is having none of it.  She seems to think that Claire is somehow disrespecting her mom.  I get the sense that Claire's mom doesn't speak the best English.  Claire then talks to another sister about the situation, and it seems to be almost expected that Laura was going to torpedo this whole situation.  Laura is loving her time on the TV, gently petting the puppy as she continues to pass judgment on the situation while simultaneously acknowledging that she doesn't know Juan Pablo.  Yowza. 

Juan Pablo goes out to talk to Mama, and Laura goes out and weasels her way into the situation, and again acts as Mama's interpreter...rambling on about Daddy and how important he was.  I will say this, he must've been a great man to put up with all of these competing personalities.  Laura gets her two cents in (or was it her fifteen minutes of fame?) and finally begs off to let Mama talk with Juan Pablo.  Turns out that I was right in that English isn't her first language, but she speaks English just fine.  Mama Claire seems kind of alright....sort of like the wise town elder in a Disney movie about a remote tribe of people that doesn't speak much but everyone respects.  Claire says "if he can look past my crazy family, I would love to marry him."  I'll bet she can't wait to move to Florida to be with Juan Pablo.  She's like the cheerleader girlfriend of a star quarterback in a small, backwards West Texas town who is pinning her whole future on her boyfriend's NFL future.  If she gets dumped, she's gotta go back to her house with her tail tucked between her legs, while Laura sits there in her Wal-Mart elastic waist sweats petting that stupid little dog and saying "told you so...now look how upset you've made Mama.  Daddy would be so ashamed."  Someone help her get out of this situation.

Alright, rose ceremony time.  We know Andi makes it based on the teasers for next episode, so is it Nikki, Claire, or Renee?  I think Nikki is safe.  That leaves Renee, who is awesome but has a kid of her own, or Claire, who has a crazy family, but is smoking hot and Juan Pablo doesn't seem to be able to keep his manos off of her.  (Google tells me manos is Spanish for hands).  Sure enough, Nikki and Claire are safe, so that means Renee is left to wonder if ABC telling her she couldn't tell Juan Pablo she loved him did her in.  Nope, it was probably your son, though nobody would ever admit it.  I get it too - if it was just about Renee moving, it's not a big deal - but when you talk about pulling her kid out of his school, off his little league team, away from his friends...well, it's just easier to pick the hot girl who has absolutely no qualms following you to the end of the earth and leaving everything in her past behind.  He took the easy way out.  Once again, Juan Pablo seems to be taking it harder than the lady he just dumped.  This has to be a first.  None of these girls seem all that broken up to be departing.  I mean, Renee just spent a whole hour of the show telling us how in love with him she was, and yet she seems totally fine getting excused.  I'm fine with it too, Renee.  I'm sure you will find someone way better for you and your family.  And if you ever make it out to Oregon, I'm sure my wife would love to sit down and have a glass of wine with you.  You seem like a cool lady. 

Alright, time to take a 24 hour breather before getting back into the drama. 

Bachelor - Your Family Will Ruin Your Fantasy

Welcome to the most highly anticipated episode of the Bachelor since....well since Tierra said she couldn't control her face.  I'm super excited to see this confrontation between Sean and Desiree's brother, but knowing ABC, they've shown us the tensest parts and it'll end with Sean earning the brother's acceptance.

AshLee gets the first date, and she's brought her teacup puppy!  His name is Bailey, but I'm willing to guess she spells it BayLee.  God I hate little dogs.  The dog is exhausted and AshLee needs to carry him - if she has a stroller for him, I'll lose it.  AshLee keeps calling Sean "this man" which is just awful.  She also says that she has fallen into love with him.  Then she says that she wants a person as amazing as her dad....which to me is just a creepy statement.  Sean gave some answer that was apparently the most perfect answer in the history of the world.  AshLee says it's the exact answer her dad would've given, and the creepy factor is off the charts.  She then gives a fist pump and kind of whisper-shouts "yayy!!! Let's meet my family."  Apparently you can't yell at the top of your lungs in a city of five million people like Houston.  Much easier on a deserted island where your exhausted dog is the only person that can hear you, eh honey?  Let's meet these foster parents already!

AshLee's been dreaming of the day she brings home a guy since she was 5 years old?  I'm super confused.  AshLee's dad is apparently the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.  He looks EXACTLY like Andy Reid.

AshLee recaps the polar bear plunge and then proceeds to tell her parents that there was "a lot of romance" as they rolled around on the beach.  Her mama, who looks like a no-nonsense kinda lady, is not impressed.  I personally hope my daughter never tells me about her romps on the beach with men.  The mom then goes straight into the "what are your intentions for AshLee...do you plan on breaking her heart?"  Easiest question in the world to answer.  Not exactly the way to get at what you want to know AshLee's mom.

The Dad conversation goes pretty well.  I'm pretty impressed that Sean goes right into the "why did you let your daughter get married at 17?"  The dad's answer is a good one.  He said at the time he felt that AshLee might have made some even worse decisions if he'd said no, so he signed off on it.  Looking back, he would've done things differently.  I can respect that, even though my initial reaction was "you mean like NOT LETTING A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR GET MARRIED, ANDY REID?"  That was a worse decision than signing Michael Vick, buddy.  Dad starts crying talking about how much he loves AshLee and that makes her start crying.  It's kinda touching....I really respect foster/adoptive parents that care for their children as if they were their own flesh and blood.  That being said, I still think they raised a crazy woman whose outlook on life is such that she thinks dating a guy with three other girlfriends qualifies as "pixie dust sprinkled over everything."  Tinkerbell would kick your delusional ass, girl.

Off to Seattle for Catherine's date.  Apparently she's recovered from the shock of her girlfriend Lesley being voted off the island.  Their date starts at Pike Street Market - as all dates in Seattle start.  They'll probably end up at the original Starbucks and the Space Needle too.  We get to catch some fish - props to Catherine for one handing a fish!  That was impressive.  Maybe the best impression she's made on me thus far.  She's also straddled a giant piggy bank and danced a jig to a street vendor....she is a super fun person.  I want to be her friend.  Plus I want to hear more about the tree crushing a girl in front of her.

Catherine preps Sean to meet her family, including Graham Cracker, her Philippino Grandmother.  Apparently Sean's supposed to put her hand to his head as a sign of respect.  Sean's asks if she's going to give him her hand, and Catherine says "oh of course she will."  I get the sense that Graham Cracker got some coaching as well.

There's a lot of women in the room with Sean right now.  Three generations of women grilling him.  I can't imagine this is going to be super fun.  Catherine's impressed that he cooked with her mom and talked to her Grandma.....as if he was going to decline anything on this date.  I hate it when someone gets credit for something that obviously they're going to do.  It'd be like saying "he's so sweet, can you believe he walks his dog after working all day?"  If you're going to have a dog, you better f'ing walk it. But don't walk it til it's exhausted like AshLee.  That's too much.

Catherine's sisters remind me of the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp.  They just seem like they're out to ruin everyone's fun.  All they've done is crap on Catherine's feelings for Sean and then they kind of criticize Catherine's bad habits to Sean.  Not exactly the best wingmen.

 I get the sense they're almost jealous of the attention she's getting.  Mom also kinda rains on the parade when her mom says "we'll see" when he asks for a blessing.  I always love the parents of the women on the hometowns.  The guy always asks for a blessing, and they all basically say "if you love her, sure, but if you don't you need to cut her loose."  It's always such a hollow endorsement.  I can't blame the families...they've all watched the show, they know the bachelor is always "crazy" about umpteen women and that he's having the same conversations with three other girls families.  It always cracks me up...like what is Sean expecting to hear from these parents?  He seems disappointed and says that Catherine's sisters gave him information that makes him "question their relationship."  All they showed was the sisters saying she was kinda messy.  If leaving clothes on the floor was such a deal-breaker for Sean, don't you think he'd have brought this up with the ladies in the cocktail party on the first night?  I feel like there's an easy plan you can lay out for your time as the bachelor.  It goes something like this:

Step One - Identify absolute hard and fast limits.  If you hate smokers, ask them if they smoke on the first night.  If you can't handle someone who likes the movie Dirty Dancing, work it into a conversation the first night.  Then send them home.

Step Two - After the first night, you should have a fairly good idea of girls you really are interested in and girls you probably aren't.  Take girls you probably aren't interested in on solo dates in the first few weeks to confirm initial reactions.

Step Three - For the sake of television, identify one girl that you know the audience loves and one girl you know the audience hates.  Even though you have no intention of marrying either girl, keep them around long enough that you can put them on a two on one date and then kick off the sweet girl.  Watch mayhem ensue amongst the ladies and imagine what the reaction is going to be like on Twitter.  Keep crazy girl around as long as you can without killing her.  Ask ABC if they're willing to shoot you an extra $250K if you propose to her.

Step Four - Act like you're having a really tough time making a decision.  ABC basically set up this show so that you can be extremely vague about your true feelings to a bunch of attractive women, then let their minds run wild.  You can say something like "I always smile when I see you" and the woman will interpret that to mean you're in love with her because technically you can't tell her you're in love with her per ABC's rules.  So now you basically get to lead a bunch of attractive women on and make out with them while you actually have a relationship with the one or two girls you identified as marriage material on the first night.  Remind me again why any single guy wouldn't want to be the bachelor?  It's like getting a free pass to make out with a bunch of hot women in front of your girlfriend for "research purposes."

Step Five - Meet families, say the same thing to all of them, then break up with a girl.  Say you're just too different.  Girl blames her family because, well you just met them so they MUST be the reason.  Feel bad for a second, but hey, you've still got three smoking hot ladies to take to fantasy suites.  Feel better immediately.

Step Six - If you haven't already made a decision of who to propose to, do it now.  Introduce girls to your family.  Encourage one family member to be super hard on the girls (I'm looking at you, Grant.)  Tell your family which one you really like, then let them be the bad guys.  Break up with another girl.

Step Seven - Propose to one girl, even if you're not sure you want to marry either one.  If she says yes (and she will because she doesn't want to look like a cold hearted ice princess on national television) give it a shot.  If it works out, you got yourself a pretty attractive lady and probably some endorsement deals and appearance fees to collect.  If it doesn't work out, parlay that into a spin on Bachelor Pad where you get to make out with even more emotionally unstable attractive women with no repercussions.  Plus, you still get those appearance fees.  It's really a no lose situation.

Off to Major General Lindsey's house in small town Missouri.  Her town apparently thinks it's still WWII, because there's cannons and American flags everywhere.  There's even a jukebox in a tiny bar that I'm betting Lindsey has never set foot in before.  After a cute conversation about what to call Lindsey's dad (General? Mister?  Mark?  Hey you?) Sean gets the always comforting "I've never brought a guy I like home to my dad who has combat training, so good luck." Now it's time for Lindsey to take Sean to the cutest boot camp ever.  While I'm sure it was totally staged and directed by ABC, she made it pretty fun.  I'd pick Lindsey if I were Sean.  I realize she got a little tipsy the first night and went big with the wedding dress thing, but it was fun.  There's something to be said for fun drunk girls.  I love my wife.  She's fun all the time.  But she's like SUPER fun when she's drinking.  Can't knock a girl for getting a little goofy when she gets into the wine!

Apparently being a two star general is a big deal.  I have no clue how many two star generals there are in the Army....I know the more stars you have, the higher your rank.  But it's like saying you're a third degree black belt.  Do you know how many degrees of blackness there are in belts?  I don't.  I know it means you're good at karate, but I have no frame of reference for how good you really are.  Are you like one of the best in the world?

Lindsey's family seems pretty cool off the bat.  Her mom seems like she's the "best friend" mom.  All the other army girls probably loved going to sleepovers at Lindsey's house.  She probably was making the popcorn and leading games of "I never" while braiding the girls hair.  Mom approves, even applauding Sean for giving a non answer like "I can't comment on if I love your daughter or not."  Again Sean gets credit for being vague.  Gotta love being the Bachelor.

Now it's time to be interrogated by General Dad.  I love that Dad stands while Sean sits at the bar.  Let's just play up the "her dad's important" angle.  Sean asks for his blessing, and he gives the ABC mandated answer of "I'm going to act like I don't really understand the question so I'm going to repeat it, then talk in circles for about 45 seconds so that you think that I'm going to say no, but then I'm going to smile and shake your hand and say "of course you can marry my daughter!  See I'm not scary, military people can be cool too!"  Based on hometowns, Lindsey is definitely winning this episode.  And looking at the teasers for Sean vs. Desiree's brother, she's got this locked up.

Wait...there's a Sean special tomorrow?  There goes my hope of catching up on the DVR tomorrow night.  Damn you ABC....I was really hoping to finally watch "Sexting in Suburbia" which is in my top five lifetime movies based on name alone.

Off to LA for Sean vs. Desiree's family.  It starts with a hike in some god awful highlighter colored clothes (she's sporting a standard electric yellow tank top, He's wearing some 3/4 length bright pink board shorts.  LA fashion is weird.)  We're ending the solo date time early, so you know the family stuff is going to be good.  Des is talking stuff up, Sean's talking stuff up....and why is this the first time ever that family hasn't been at the house?  Oh.....it's because an ex-boyfriend has just showed up.  This boyfriend is the worst actor ever.  You can see him hyperventilating as he tries to act angry.  I'm still trying to figure out if ABC actually expects us to believe that this guy didn't know that Des had gone on The Bachelor and that he just happened to show up at her house the first night she's been back in five weeks.  Or maybe he's been driving by her house every night for five weeks waiting for her to come back, in which case I'd say there's a 50% chance he's got a chloroform soaked rag and some duct tape in his back pocket.  Oh wait Des is punking Sean!  Gotta admit, I fell for it, sort of.  A much better prank than the Art Gallery disaster he tried to pull on her on their first one on one date.  Des is thrilled that Sean was so protective of her.  Although if some guy walked in an put his hands on me, I'd probably get pretty testy too.  Sean's a good sport about the pranking, and says "this sets us up for a great night."  Famous last words....

Mom loves him, Dad loves him, Brother does not.  She says "he makes me happy."  Bro says "psssht.  Lots of guys could make you happy."  I love that he's got his sleeves rolled up to show off his completely random tattoos.  I love how he says "can I holla at you for a minute?" and Sean responds "yeah buddy!" These two aren't really acting like they don't like each other.  I'm convinced that they would hate each other under any circumstances.  They could be leads in some dance movie involving a girl either moving in or out of the inner city and falling for a guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

Des' brother tries to use big words like "reciprocation" to illustrate his displeasure.  He's like the definition of a "bro."  Sean calmly tries to explain his feelings, but then tells her brother "she loves all the affection I show her."  Not exactly what I'd want to hear some guy say about my sister.  "Actually dude, I'm all over her all the time, so there!"  Sean then says "my character and my integrity are number one to me."  Again, if you're the bro, don't you want to hear "your sister is number one to me?"  I'm really surprised Bro Nate didn't jump all over him on that one.  Now we're back to the awkward full family sit down.  Bro clearly runs the family.  He's used to popping off and not getting called on it.  The family tries to scold him, but it comes off as "Nate, you know you shouldn't have done that.  Would you like another piece of cake for dessert?"  Bro says he sees it ending badly for Des if she doesn't get picked.  Ya think, bro?  He clearly doesn't grasp that he's going to come out the villain in this scenario if Des doesn't make it out of this week.  He thinks it'll justify his actions.

Time for a deliberation with Chris Harrison and his fancy clothes that he designs.  Sean breaks it down right away, and guess what - the two girls he's torn between sending home are the two whose siblings weren't fully on board with the whole Bachelor love thing.  Catherine and Des will both end up blaming their families (see Step Five above).  Time for the roses.  Lindsey is wearing something that looks like a cross between a dinner dress and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit circa 1993.  She must be feeling confident to wear that baby.  Sean starts giving the girls his song and dance, but I don't even think he believes the words that are coming out of his mouth.

Des interrupts the deliberations to apologize for her brother and the tears start flowing.  Strong move by her.  He's shown preference for girls that have struggled emotionally throughout this process.  Takes a special kind of guy to tell a girl "it's alright, you have nothing to apologize for, everything's good" and then send her packing five minutes later.  Catherine's gripping, and she probably should be.  Sean's got his character and integrity to uphold after all.

After issuing roses to AshLee and Lindsey, Sean takes a lengthy pause, then puts the rose down and runs away like a scared little puppy.  He heads back into his little shrine room to stare at their pictures, because that's easier than looking the girls in the face.  What a punk move.  Chris Harrison comes in and commands him to "take as much time as he needs to get this right."  Which in Bachelor-speak means "we've only got about two more hours before the sun comes up, so hurry up or we're going to lose the lighting we need for this shot."  I love the idea that the answer is just going to come to him in the next few hours without spending any more time with either of the girls.  What's going to change...what is going to provide him with the clarity he apparently craves?  After staring into the pictures for a few more seconds, he admits that he was going to send Des home, and now he's having second thoughts because of her teary apology.  It was a good move, but Sean countered with a good move of taking a few extra moments to make it look like he was having a really tough time deciding, before doing what he was planning on doing all along despite Chris Harrison's speech to the girls about Sean having "no idea" what he was going to do.

Sean then walks her out and offers the WORST breakup speech ever.  "You have every quality I'm looking for, and I think I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize I made a huge mistake." This is worse than when Emily sent him home and then asked him what he was thinking and started crying and made him console her.  Des tells him he's right, he is making a mistake and then cries her butt off.  In the limo, she actually says "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life" and "all I want to do is make someone else happy."  That's a byproduct of a good relationship, not a reason for a good relationship.  I'll bet she regretted saying that when she saw it on film.  At least I hope she did.

Alright we get more Tierra tomorrow night.  See y'all then!