Ok, back to Juan Pablo's quest for
The girls are all convinced that Juan Pablo is their lobster with the exception of Claire, who is still confused as hell as to why a guy would sleep with her and then say that it was a bad idea and that she made things weird for him with his daughter. I'm with you Claire. It's like drinking an insane amount of alcohol, puking, then getting mad at Captain Morgan. What'd you think was going to happen, Juan Pablo? This situation is a little different, because he probably could blame Captain Morgan for his impaired judgement, but, like my father used to say "when you seek the advice of pirates, don't be surprised when you end up plundering some nice townsfolk." (Ok, he didn't say this, but Dale Lasselle is a man of surprising wisdom.)
Andi gets the first one on one, much to Claire's dismay. She feels like this would have been the perfect chance to get back on track with Juan Pablo, but I think the problem is that the train was riding a little too smoothly on the rails for Mr. Galavais, amirite?
Cassandra "never expected" Andi to get a one on one date? Why? Strange statement. She then has a little mommy-to-mommy chatter with Renee about how great it is that Juan Pablo is invested in both her happiness and the happiness of her child. Complete bullcrap, because he's never met the kid. It's amazing to me that any parent would be so cavalier with their child's wellbeing. "Oh he says he wants to do right by my son that he's never met, he cares so much about him!" I wonder how she'd feel if Juan Pablo said "hey, lemme take your son whom I've never met to the zoo for the day to get to know him." We'd find out how much she trusted JP then. Because if you can't trust a guy who's telling eight women at once how much he's into them with your son, who can you trust?
Date time....Andi's ready to rock in her white leggings and flannel shirt. White pants while in a jet boat? No way those things are coming back clean. I'm embarrassed that my first thought about her outfit was that she might get it dirty, but I had a pair of white warmup pants once that I thought were super awesome until I wore them outside for the first time. I opened the car door and all the dirt just wiped off on my pants and never left again.....EVER. Good thing she's got a swimsuit on underneath! Time to swim/walk/piggyback our way through a tiny crevasse towards god knows what. I'm half expecting them to pop out in a lost world filled with dinosaurs and other long extinct animals.
Andi is impressed that Juan Pablo is helping her over rocks. Is this really all it takes to impress a lady anymore? What asshole guy is going to say "sorry, you find your own way over the rocks honey." Or do those little gestures go a lot further when you have washer board abs and speak in a sultry Latin accent? Also, I find it hard to believe that it was all that treacherous when a dude with a giant HD camera is following right behind you, without the aid of a shirtless Venezuelan. You hear that JP? A REAL MAN would've helped the camera dude too!
After some of the most hardcore making out we've ever seen on the show (I've seen carpets have less contact with floors), Juan Pablo toasts to a long wait and a great first date in New Zealand. Andi says that "it's like a fantasy-land to be in New Zealand in front of a geyser kissing a guy I'm starting to really like!" No, Andi, it IS a fantasy land. I love how surprised they are that a geyser got them wet and "ruined their dinner." This was a total plan by ABC and/or Juan Pablo to cut short the talky-talky time and get more kissy kissy going on. If I could subtitle this date, it would say:
Juan Pablo: Talking is so boring when our belly buttons aren't touching. It's like what's the point?"
Andi: "Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the tingly sensation in my loins."
Big surprise, she gets the rose.
Looks like Claire's gonna get that chance to get back on the rails with Juan Pablo, because he selected her for the other one on one date this week. If he ends up talking things out with her, making her feel comfortable again and then knockin' da boots with her again, well...he'd basically be the best manipulator in the history of reality television. On the other hand, if he took her on a one-on-one date just so he could dump her away from the other ladies so she couldn't flip out in front of them and let them all know how he hit it and quit it, well then there's a special place in hell for him as the Devil's personal advisor.
First, let's go on a group date that involves Kat saying one of the dumbest line's of all time: "I just rolled down a hill in a large ball with Juan Pablo?" Kat, Cassandra, and Chelsie bring absolutely no substantive conversation to the table. I'd be ok with all of them going home. As if to illustrate my point, Chelsie says that New Zealand reminds her of Ohio, except that they don't have hills." So, nothing like Ohio aside from a few cows. I picture everyone at the Ohio Tourism Board high fiving each other as they realize their new slogan is "Visit Ohio - like New Zealand without hills!" One of the girls says "I thought we were just going to have a nice quiet picnic, but nope, we're going to be rolling down a hill in an Ogo!" Good thing they all wore bikini's under their picnic clothes! Yeah, no clue you'd be doing anything other than picnicking. While it does look like it's fun, it doesn't look like one of those bucket list type of event that you HAVE to do while you're in New Zealand. It's one of those things that'd be just as fun in Columbus, Ohio as it would be in Rotrua, New Zealand. Except of course there wouldn't be a hill to roll down there, so never mind. Also, it costs $40 per trip down the hill.
Hobbit time! I was just kind of kidding about it being the land of Hobbits, but actually pretty cool that they are hanging out in the Shire. First Hobbit-solo time goes to Renee, and they kiss - a lot. Up next is Nikki. She tells him this journey is hard, but he's making it easier. Then they kiss - a lot. Sharleen tells Juan Pablo...well she says hi, then he kisses her - a lot. Then he finally lets her come up for ai...nope, he's kissing her again. I swear to god he's like one of those dogs that gets so worked up he starts humping the air because there's not a leg close enough to hop on.
Cassandra the birthday girl gets her one on one time, and she gets pretty sentimental and emotional. I take it back, she can bring a little substance to a conversation. She actually was pretty well spoken there. However, she didn't get a kiss. Based on what happened with the other girls, it's not looking good for her. Renee actually goes so far as to say that she wants Cassandra to win if it's not her. Sharleen gets the rose, and then he pulls Cassandra aside. "He's probably telling her happy birthday," says Nikki, trying to convince herself. Nope. Juan Pablo is dumping her on her birthday on a group date. Harsh. He could've just waited two more days and let her go organically. WAY TO RUIN HER BIRTHDAY, JUAN PABLO! She's only had 22 of them, way to taint almost 5% of her total birthdays. Single parents are really handicapped on this show. They're the easiest to dump, all that you have to say is that you can't keep them away from their child any longer. Nothing like walking into a room of women and telling them you just dumped their roommate on her birthday. THAT SHOULD GO WELL. He says he had to send her home because he didn't see a future with her and it wasn't fair to keep her one more day. Could he have seen it before he rolled down a hill in a bikini with her, but not after? Ugh.
Nothing to cheer up Juan Pablo like a little Skype-time with Camilla. Good way to prep for alone time with Claire....especially if our intrepid air-humper wants to keep it in his pants around Claire - his underwear's kryptonite. I'll give Juan Pablo a little credit for saying that it was "his mistake" but I'm not entirely sure if he's apologizing for the ocean hook-up or for her not understanding his reaction. They talk so more, and now it's clear he's apologizing for the misunderstanding. Claire smartly presses him for boundaries, and he starts to explain that he's never kissed a girl or held hands with a girl in front of his daughter. Um.....what? This should send up a huge red flag for anyone dating Juan Pablo. It says he's either hung up on his ex or completely averse to commitment of any kind.
Claire says he took her being pouty like a man, and then said the fact that he loves his daughter is a quality not every man has, and that makes her want him to father her babies. Let's throw on some sweats and hang out! I'm confused as to how Juan Pablo knows what Hammer Pants are, but doesn't understand the term "I was ready to bolt." He gives Claire a rose, and so at least he didn't dump her. There was no implied sex this time, but plenty of kissing again. Safe are Claire, Andi, and Sharleen....let's send somebody home!
Cassandra already got sent home, so I'm assuming only one more is hitting the road. My money is on Kat, if only because she's the only non-Cassandra girl not to get an on-screen kiss this week. However, Sharleen and her "I can't decide if I'm too good for the bachelor or not" personality might torpedo that idea. The girls are all tight-lipped, and Juan Pablo isn't getting much interaction from the ladies. He's not digging the vibe. He pulls Nikki aside first, and he just out of nowhere lets her know that he's wearing pink underwear. Ooof. They then alternate between inane flirting and serious "this is what I want out of life" conversation. Also, they kiss a lot....but not in front of Camilla, because that would be bad.
Renee is up next, and she's scared because she knows that he could pull the kid card at any time. She's right, but then again, he's not going off both the single moms in the same week. He then praises Renee for the way she talks about her son, which could also be seen as an insult to Cassandra - did she not light up as much when she talked about her son? - but whatever. He makes out with Renee. Again. I know that every bachelor/bachelorette makes out with their suitors a lot, but my goodness Juan Pablo seems to be raising the bar to a whole new level.
Chelsie is a fast-talker. She's super nervous and not making much sense, and Juan Pablo has a look like he's not listening to her at all. Of course he says he understands her completely, then gives her a kiss on the cheek. NOT GOOD CHELSIE.
Kat gets her chance, and she talks about her journal. Or at least she starts talking about that, and then goes into how her dad was so drunk that she had to crawl into her sister's crib to calm her down. That is an awful story, and I can totally see how that would screw you up for life. I was a little skeptical about Kat possibly exaggerating her sob story, but now I take it back She also doesn't get a kiss. Clearly it's either Chelsie or Kat.
Juan Pablo says he thinks his wife is one of the girls in the room....but who? Renee and Nikki get roses, as expected, and the last rose goes to........Chelsie! No need to back to Ohiozealand yet! Kat and her daddy issues are going to need some serious therapy. I can't imagine how messed up it must be to share something so personal and get dumped a few hours later. No wonder she doesn't trust men.
Sharleen is really having conflicting emotions, and she's not sure that she can take it anymore...but she's going to take a trip to Miami to make her decision. I'll make the decision for her....she should go home now. Even if they got engaged, there's no way they'd make it to the altar.
Enough Bacheloring - is curling on yet?
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