Welcome to Munich! Bros on a Train! Things always start to go a little sideways once you get off of the North American continent, and the guys are so giddy, they're fired up over a slow motion jousting competition between two animatronic dudes on a giant cuckoo clock thingy. Let's hope they put that enthusiasm into their dates.
Chris shows up to harsh everyones buzz by announcing the dreaded 2 on 1 date is looming. Then there's a lot of mangled German speaking by Chris and the dudes, and some guy says "I think this hotel is one of the nicest in all of Germany." I'm glad he's able to level such a broad, sweeping statement after visiting all of ONE HOTEL IN GERMANY. Anyways, Chris (not the host, although that would be AWESOME) gets the one on one date, and it's the typical first date overseas - wander around a foreign land mocking local culture!
Meanwhile, back at the house, Bryden is really not feeling that this is for him. He looks really sad, like his owner forgot to throw the ball for him in the yard before he left for work. If Bryden leaves, I'm not sure there's a decent guy left for her. In the biggest cock block ever, Bryden's going to head out into a city of over a million people to find their date and lower the boom. Meanwhile, Chris and Des are speaking horrible German, laughing while wearing traditional German Lederhosen, and dancing to polka music...which by the way, are there really people with horns just playing in the middle of a square in Munich, or is this another example of ABC saying "what's the most stereotypical German thing we can think of to make them do?"
Bryden catches up with them after ABC makes him hilariously ask random people on the street if they've seen television cameras "filming people." Do production assistants no longer carry cell phones? Do their BlackBerry's not work in Europe? Bryden politely waits for a song to end. Chris then is the most gracious man to ever be interrupted on a date, actually hugging Bryden and telling him "of course it's OK...just bring her back!" Chris, she's not a 1997 Ford Taurus, she's the girl you want to marry! Methinks he probably had an idea this was coming, but he dutifully plays dumb for the cameras. Now he seemingly starts to realize that this could ruin the rest of his date.
Bryden feels like this was the right time for him to leave - right after he gets a free trip to Germany. He knew back in Atlantic City that he wasn't really feeling this, yet he flies across the pond just to not go on a date and head home. Chris says she doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants to get back to the date, but they spend the whole meal time rehashing the whole ordeal. Chris reiterates that he's not going to leave, and in a subtle nod to the departed Bryden, says that their time together has been "awesome." They then toast over gigantic beer mugs, which causes my sneaky-funny wife to quip "I'm excited to see how the rest of their date goes after chugging those monsters."
We'll have to wait to find out though, because first we find out that Miami Lawyer Michael and Everyone's Favorite Sleazy Single Dad Ben are going into the Date of Death - two men go in, only one will come out. Michael is already practicing his opening and closing statements ready to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he is just slight less shady than Ben, and therefore deserves to stay a little longer.
Now we're back at something called the Munich Residenz, where Des drunkedly trips over the curb....those beers are working their magic. Furthering the fact that they're drunk, Des seems to think that Chris is a "special guy." He's like the opposite of a special guy....he's about as run of the mill as they come - although you could argue that run of the mill is special in this house of meatheads. There's lots of nervous giggling and rambling on this date, and then Chris goes way goofy with a poem that he either didn't write or is too drunk to remember the words to. Is the poem really as impressive if you can't memorize it? Wouldn't it be way more romantic if he'd committed his words of love to memory? Chris gets the rose, and a kiss from a sleepy eyed Desiree. But wait, there's more! A guy in the corner of the room on a piano that nobody saw before? Was he over there smirking and rolling his eyes while Chris looked down at his shoes and read a mediocre poem? I sure hope so! Love how Chris says "this is perfect, we're getting a private concert from Matt Light (or is it White?), as if we all should know who he is. Shame on us America, for not knowing who this dude is. So far this season, we've seen Andy Grammer, Soulja Boy, Darius Rucker, and now Matt Light/White. I could pick exactly one of those people out of a lineup, and it's because of his time with the Blowfish. I couldn't name one Darius Rucker solo album. Matt looks like it takes all of his energy to sing the high notes...I'm worried for the blood vessels behind his eyes. Chris is pretty sure that Des loves him, because of how she kisses. I'd like to remind him that she's had a giant beer and a couple glasses of wine tonight....and girls always kiss a little differently when they're tipsy buddy. Let's see if you get that passion when she's sober big fella.
Group date time on a mountain that Des calls "Zoupitza" (It's really Zugspitze). German is a rough language to try to speak when you don't know what's going on. It's the highest peak in Germany apparently. Drew is excited to share this with Des...."she's seeing something she's NEVER seen before." Apparently Drew is a world traveler and comes to Zoupitza twice a year. I don't know why this sounded so condescending to me, but they way he said it reminds me of how excited I was to take Jonah to the zoo for the first time.
Of course there's a yodeler. Props to Juan Pablo for trying super hard to say "yodeler." I don't understand why they all have to put their arms around the guy as if he's some sort of goofy sideshow act, like the little person at the Corvallis Knights games that goes by the name "Lil' K" and wears the number 1/2 on his jersey. Can't we give him like a name that doesn't focus on his smallness, like "Sir Strikeout" (cause they're the Knights) or something? I'm always blown away by this. Isn't yodeling like a serious thing in the Alps? I really dislike how every time they go overseas on this show it turns into "look how weird foreign cultures are!" Zak says "he's kind of a funny guy...I don't know how to take some of those notes he hit." Take them as an extremely difficult talent that you can't do, you super enthusiastic idiot.
After mocking their elders, it's time to ride a sled down a hill. "it's like a black diamond hill with major freeway, rush hour style pileups!' Or it's a well manicured slope with eight people on it. They should try to get in a bounce house with a bunch of six year olds at Wacky Bounce, because that seems way more dangerous than what they did. I did appreciate Drew's "I'm just going to crash into Des and hope I don't hurt her too bad so that I can apologize and get a hug" tactic. Reminds me of the time we thought it'd be a good idea to lob water balloons at the girls sunbathing at the sorority across the street in college. I think in our heads we saw it going one of two ways - either they'd laugh and we'd get into a flirtatious water fight with some bikini clad sorority sisters, or they'd be mildly upset and we'd get to take them to an apology dinner. I failed to see option three - where the water balloon lands in an adjacent pile of bark mulch, coating the girls and their blanket in little dirty bits of wood. Oh I ended up apologizing alright, and getting to do a load of laundry for them as well. But hey, good luck with that tactic, Drew!
Back at the house, awkwardness is really dominating the room as Michael and Ben aren't even trying to hide their hatred for each other anymore, and poor Chris is just trying to blend into the couch cushions so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire. This should be good.
Back on Zugspitse, it's an ice mansion! What's the point of an ice mansion? Do people actually stay in these things? I know that James Bond did in one of those Pierce Brosnan flicks, but all I remember is rapid ice melting and people drowning. Not my idea of fun. Do like the polar bear ice sculpture in the corner though...that was a nice touch.
Mikey and Des are making the Zuccarelli family snowmen. "This could be me," Mikey says as he points to a amorphous blob of snow. How right you are, Mikey, how right you are. They have some sort of awkward conversation that is interrupted by Zak, goofily yodeling in the background. "Grrr, Mikey no like Zak!" Mikey grumbles to the camera.
New development, the guys don't like James anymore. Their reasoning is something along the lines of "He doesn't treat us like he does the girl he's trying to marry!" I never understand the "bros before ho's" mentality of the guys on the Bachelorette. Brooks creepily peeps on a James/Desiree make out session from an ice hallway. At this point I think all the guys hearts are turning into hard blocks of ice.
As if things weren't weird enough on here, Brooks somehow garners the rose on this date. If he hadn't been ice-peeping, I don't think I even would've known he was on this date. How did that happen. I'm almost as baffled as James, who snottily says "at this point, I'm focusing on my relationship with Des and I don't really care about what happens with the other guys." He is turning into the new Ben...maybe just in time, because he might not be coming home from this date, am I right?
The tension in the limo as Michael and Ben ride to meet Des for this cage match of love. Michael is talking about putting Ben on trial....a move that I'm sure he thinks he's going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben needs to go home, but will probably end up garnering some sympathy for Ben in Des' eyes. Time will tell.
On to the awkward park bench chat! Ben tries a joke about Texas being so flat that you can watch a dog run away for three days - and nobody laughs. Michael says "I embrace the confrontation and I think Ben knows that." Ugh. Des suggests a polar bear plunge, sort of like the girls did in Canada on the last season of the Bachelor....only this water looks a hundred times colder than that water did. I gotta think Des is joking, and turns out she is. Instead they're going to take some sort of navigable hot tub out onto the water. I gotta say that Des' enthusiasm for this contraption is infectious...I'm kind of excited for her! Unfortunately, much like the Grand Canyon, the "awesomeness" of the "hot tug" is fleeting....next thing you know, you're stuck in the middle of a lake with two dudes who hate each other.
Michael decides that court is now in session and starts the trial of Ben. Much like I thought, his offensive on Ben is making Des uncomfortable, and she immediately picks up on Michael's tactic. All Ben has to do at this point is not retaliate and he's got this in the bag. With what he's saying to the cameras however, it doesn't look like this is going to happen.
Back at the house, the guys are talking about how the Chicago meatheads have been having a conversation about how this is going to make their lives great once they get back to the Windy City. NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS ALERT!! The guys are bound and determined to defend Des' honor at the rose ceremony tomorrow night.
Michael continues his assault on Ben at dinner, attacking Ben for not going to church on Easter even though all the other guys went, and not mentioning his son on Easter. Look, I'm not saying that what Michael is saying doesn't have merit, but if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who don't like me and are constantly trying to get under my skin, I'm not going to be all chatty about my son either. Ben's playing this exactly right though, excusing himself from the table. Des is grumpy, Michael all of a sudden realizes "hey, this might not be the right tactic." Ben waits long enough for Des to come to him, then plays the wounded single dad perfectly. It's not going well for Michael. Des says that she wants to know why he feels so passionate about exposing Ben as a fraud. Puzzling, since that's what it seemed like he was trying to do at dinner and she got all mad at him. Michael spends all his one on one time talking about Ben, which is usually the kiss of death on these things.
Des throws a curveball though, and follows the "don't get involved with the person everyone else hates" theory. THE DEFENSE RESTS!!! Ben gets his walking papers, and then goes on and says everything you'd expect an asshole to say. "She picked him over ME? How did he make it further than I did? Where are we getting drunk tonight? How soon can I be seen with someone else in public?" Any sympathy you garnered during that brutal cross examination just vanished in the back of that spite-filled limousine, Benjamin. You better hope nobody shows your son a copy of this season in a few years, buddy.
Time for a little tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison. Chris is going to get to the serious stuff, but first he goes all middle school sleepover on Desiree and asks who's the best kisser. I'm surprised he didn't say "truth or dare!" first, then tell her to prank call Brooks and ask him if his refrigerator was running.
Let's bring on the guys. Des does the "we don't need a cocktail party" trick, she's got her mind made up. Kasey and Drew are pissed....what are we gonna do?? James says he's confident in his relationship, and whatever happens, he's cool with it. Behind him, Drew is wearing the face of someone about to commit a murder. I'm not liking the energy coming from his face right now.
Why are we making such a big deal out of Des' first time being in Europe? Chris has brought it up about three times tonight. Have you not lived until you've been to Europe? Has everything I've done in my life been meaningless since I've not yet been to the Old World? Poor Drew is about to pass out from the anger bubbling up inside him. Oh what I wouldn't give for him to just blurt out "James is using you!" right now. That would be the best moment in this shows history! Unfortunately, Drew gets a rose, and it's down to Meathead Mikey vs. Meathead James. Bummer for those bros. Maybe he should've put a little more effort into his lump of snow-family that he built.
He, of course, is shocked. "How could she not want to know me better?" The problem is that Mikey sees himself like an ocean when he's really like that little pool of water at the end of your children's Crocodile Mile.
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| Mikey's depth is not what he thinks it is |
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