Chris Harrison is here to humblebrag about his house (will this work for you guys?) and to explain how the dates work just in case these guys have never seen the show before. Up first is Brooks who is so excited he's giving "arm pumps" and doing "the Rocky Balboa." I dislike him already. He says "Des is a big ball of mystery to me." That's good, given that he's never been on a date with her. When talking with the guys, he also says he is "actually excited" to go on the date, and one of the guys chimes in "you do seem to be be pretty positive about this." Call me crazy, but if you're about to go on a first date where Walt Disney is picking up the tab and all you know about the girl is that she's super attractive and desperate for a relationship, shouldn't you be pretty amped about the prospects for the night? Is there an alternative? "I dunno guys, maybe I shouldn't have auditioned for the show...I'm kinda bummed now that I'm living in this mansion stocked with free booze where I spend my days hanging by a pool and my nights going on incredible dates with a hottie....this is going to suck!"
Des is "hopeful" that her husband is in the group. Des shows up in her Bentley and Shirtless Zak is "knocked off his seat" by her beauty. I will say that it looks like Des has been hitting the gym since her stint on the Bachelor. Maybe she was always that fit, but either she dressed in baggier clothes or the fact that we no longer have her enormous bangs to stare at made me notice her physique a little more this season. In any event - well done Des!
Single Daddy Ben gives a glimpse of the D-bag we've been led to believe he is when he whines "I didn't want to see Brooks go on this date...I mean, he's nice and genuine, but he's not me." I'm assuming he means that he wants to go on the date, but maybe he's alluding to the fact that he is neither nice nor genuine.
Des says that this date is going to be a slice of her life....so they're off to a bridal shop to play dress up. Des picks out a wedding dress, Brooks picks out the Dumb and Dumber special - a lime green getup. I have many pet peeves about this show, but one of them is how it always goes for the obvious laugh. "Oh, I know what I'll do...I'll find the ugliest tux in here and wear it! She'll see how quirky I am!" Brooks is smitten with Des. "Des is beautiful, I think that's because of who she is...she could literally wear any dress in the store!" I'm not sure how her inner beauty relates to her ability to wear a dress, but OK.
Off they go in stolen wedding attire! They stop at what looks like a mobile cake truck, and apparently there's 47 people who watch the bachelorette that just happen to also want cake, because Des is immediately surrounded by women in their late 20s and 30s who are freaking out like it's a Michael Jackson concert. I've never really understood the freaking out over meeting a celebrity if you're over the age of say 17. Yes, it's cool. If I happened to be walking down the street to my favorite mobile cake truck and ran into Des, I'd probably be fairly excited, given that the Bachelor/ette consumes a sizable chunk of my free time. Yes, I'd probably ask for a picture. But that'd be it. There'd be none of this "I just hit a half court shot to win the championship" celebration.
Time to drive to the top of a hill - and not just any hill...the Hollywood Sign hill. Des says the reason they get to do this because "it's the 90th anniversary of the sign and normally people don't get access to the sign." So then why did Ali get to take Frank to the Hollywood sign a few years back? Was that the 87th anniversary of the sign? Furthermore, I'm pretty sure if I showed up down in Hollywood this weekend and try to walk up to the sign and say "hey, I'm here for the 90th birthday party for the sign. I just want to hang out on the L for a while." I'd probably get told to leave in some strong language.
Brooks says he loves being "above the clouds." Somebody tell this guy about smog, OK? That hill's not THAT high. Des says the sign symbolizes everyone coming to California to pursue their dreams. I guess I can see that....the Hollywood sign is essentially the Statue of Liberty for people who are destined to become porn stars or waitresses (or both).
Moving on to the dinner portion of our amazing date and they're either eating at some abandoned warehouse or Des is lost. Seriously, the neighborhood they're in is looking rough. I'd suggest they lock the doors on the car and roll through all the stop signs, but of course they're driving a convertible Bentley. That car costs more than my house. So, of course, Des comes to a complete stop at a roadblock and then exits the vehicle. I thought she had more sense than that. Brooks looks slightly less sure of Des's plan to exit the vehicle and cruise right on through the road block. At this point I realized that Des is probably in on some sort of prank. Yep..it's a blocked off bridge for a date! Because nothing says romance like eating in the middle of an overpass. When did this become a thing? On top of a building I get. Picnic in the park, OK. But a freaking bridge? Unless it's the Golden Gate, I say pass.
As is customary, talk turns a little more serious at dinner. Des talks about how her parents are her guiding light for love, then flips it on Brooks and asks how his divorced parents shape his views on marriage. Brooks gets crazy flustered, and says "well, I don't really share this with a lot of people." Turns out Brooks went six years without talking to his dad. There's no real explanation as to why. Brooks wants to make sure that doesn't happen to him in his marriage. Basically Brooks parents taught him that he doesn't want to get divorced. Good to know. He then says today has been an "emotional roller coaster" for him. Because she asked one question about your parents? Yikes Brooks. He earns the rose, because he told Des his "stories." She also said he was vulnerable. I'm not sure what that means. Brooks says that this is the kind of date guys wish they could give girls and girls wish their guys would do for them. Yes, because every girl hopes to date a guy with ABC's budget.
Date's over right? Nope...there's music rolling in from the darkness. Private concert time! What random singer that you've never heard of is it this time? Andy Grammer and his band! Who is Andy Grammer? Well he sings that "keep your head up" song that once made it all the way to #53 on the charts! He's not even a Top 40 guy! Casey Kasem would've made this guy tie his shoes if he saw him on the street. The last official stop on your trip to irrelevance is a private concert on the Bachelor/ette.
Case in point, it's group date time with one hit wonder Soulja Boy Tell'em! As one of my coworkers put it - "He's still alive??" Yup, and he's a horrible coach. I don't think he offered the guys one constructive piece of advice during the entire episode. Furthermore, I don't think ABC even played any of his music. We're making a rap video. Soulja Boy (whose real name is DeAndre Cortez Way - Which is way better than Soulja Boy BTW) has them freestyle a little bit, and it doesn't go well at all. These guys are terrible. Also, I need to apologize to Soulja Boy - he's a two hit wonder. While he's mostly known for "Crank That" of his debut album souljaboytellem.com - which was number one for an incredible seven weeks despite only having roughly seven words in the entire song - he also had a less acclaimed but much more listenable song "Kiss Me Through the Phone" off his 2008 album iSouljaBoyTellEm. And yes, his album names are idiotic. Don't be surprised if his next album is called #souljaboytellem. Which brings me to this week's edition of:
Andy Lasselle's Advice for the next Soulja Boy Tell'em
When releasing an album, DO NOT just throw any title on your album. You gain nothing by doing this. As an artist, you already have fans. Those people are going to buy your album regardless. People like Jay-Z and Dr. Dre and Billy Joel and Justin Bieber can do this, because they're household names already and will sell bajillions of records regardless. You know who won't sell bajillions of records on name recognition alone? Soulja Boy!! If you've already released seven multi platinum albums, go ahead and name the next one VIII or The Black Album or something. If not, name it something that will make people at least pick it up if they have no idea who you are. Jay-Z's first album was "Reasonable Doubt" and contains exactly one song that I've heard before. Once he'd released a bunch of hits, then he started getting generic with his album names - His latest was The Blueprint Vol. 3 which gives you an idea that he's so rich he could name his album "Jay-Z Raps" and not care at all. So don't throw a .com or an "i" or a hashtag on your Album Name. Either name it after something that announces to the world who you are or what you're about (For instance, I think the name "Pit Bulls and Pole Dancers" would merit at least a few impulse buys) or at the very least name it after your biggest single. But iYourName is stupid, and it will make me LESS likely to buy your crummy rap album.
Back to the dates, and Ben is first up on alone time. He's already taking the antagonist stance of "I'm on this group date by myself and there's a bunch of other dudes watching me on my date with Des." This is the battle cry of the most hated person on the show every time (see Robertson, Courtney and LiCausi, Tierra for examples). I'm pretty sure that none of these guys even practiced the rapping. Des says it's good that Soulja Boy is there to guide things. The only advice he gives is "you got to get more into it. It sounds like you're reading a poem." Well there we go. At least his choreographer taught me the "flip the burgers" move which I plan on debuting at my brother's wedding in August. Before we go too much further into this disaster of a date, here's the whole music video for you:
Brandon got the enviable task of wearing a speedo, which ABC went to great lengths to block out with a strange black bar. Wasn't this the same network that brought us NYPD Blue, which made headlines for showing naked backsides like twenty years ago? So basically they went out of their way to block off his butt....which seems like a waste of money. Not that I wanted to see his butt....errr.....really backed myself into a corner here. Moving on.....
How is it that Des is the best rapper of the bunch? A precocious doe eyed girl known for her down on the farm hairstyle (BANGS!) just a few months ago is now rocking a bikini and outrapping twelve guys who probably grew up listening to Nelly, Lil' Wayne and the like? I'm not saying that these guys were terrible, but my brother made a whole rap CD with songs about me for Christmas one year, and it wasn't completely awful. Oof.
Back on the group date, Zak gives her an antique diary that's "never been written in." That's probably good, because what is she going to do with an antique diary that has someone else's thoughts in it? Also, what's the chance that it was like those new jeans you pay $87 for that have a hole in the knee and look "vintage" - as in it looks like your grandpa wore them on the farm while tilling the cornfield back in the drought of '57. He probably bought it at Ikea or Pottery Barn or something.
Mikey and his five o'clock shadow are interrupted by Single Dad Ben, who proceeds to talk about how much he misses his son and how he knows it's a big step starting a relationship with someone who is a parent...and asks her if she has any questions for him. Seems like a logical thing to say, but Des is like "nope, I'm cool with it." I'm not sure what she was supposed to ask...like did he want to know if she thought his son was going to call her "Mommy" or what. He quickly changes the subject to kissing, using the cowboy hat he wore earlier as the reason he didn't make out with her earlier. I'm sure it was the hat and not the 12 other dudes burning holes in his back with their judging eyes.
Michael the Miami Lawyer also has something on his mind...and it's respect. Nobody disses his Nana on his watch! He tells Des that he likes the guys, but he'll narc on them in a second if he thinks they're dissing Des. Meanwhile 5 o'clock shadow Mikey is starting to feel like Ben is not a good guy. He calls him over to tell him he's kind of miffed at the way he's going about things, and Ben responds with a "thanks for the heads up" but doesn't really apologize, instead complimenting Mikey on his shoes. Mikey seems strangely distracted by this and smiles and claps him on the back like they're cool again. Very weird.
Also not cool with Ben is my pre-show favorite - Motorcycle Brandon. Brandon's a bit of a whiny dude - he somehow thinks that because Ben is making out with Des that he's not there for the right reasons. He's not going to miss his chance to make an impression on Des, so after sitting forlornly in the dark by himself he unloads his sob story about how his dad split and his mom was a drug addict and he raised his siblings instead of going to school and that's why he's not a millionaire. Then he gets really weird and starts gushing "I just want to come home to you and love you...." wow. Coming on a little strong here Brandon. You're not doing yourself any favors. In a strange twist, after coming on strong with Des, he tries to backtrack by saying that he is "falling in like" with Des way faster than he thought. I used to fall in like with girls in line at 7-11, so I'm not sure how he's moving too fast on the "like" train.
Back in front of the entire group, Des announces that the rose is going to the guy who opened up to her and really used his one-on-one time to the fullest extent - Single Dad Ben! He asked her if she had any questions about dating a parent, and then he made out with her. Very efficient use of time.
Bryden gets our second solo date. The guys razz him when she honks the horn for him, and then somebody makes the comment that "even though he wouldn't be driving, he wishes he was in the car." I can't tell if he is upset that he's not with Des or that he's not with the car.
The date is a road trip, and Des is excited to show Bryden California. Bryden seems like a bit of a puppy dog, getting super excited about picking up SmartFood popcorn at the supermarket. I get the sense that he didn't go on many dates back in Montana or when in Iraq on military duty. He's super curious about everything. The beach is awesome, the orange grove is "so cool," he's never had brie cheese in his life, and the spa "sounds perfect.!" So he's a bit of a sheltered dude, I actually like the guy. He doesn't seem to be full of himself or feel the need to establish dominance like some of the other guys Des has in her stable. At dinner, Bryden gets to unload his sob story - He got in a bad car wreck and had 100 staples put in his head and shoulder. You'd think that description would be enough to illustrate the point, but nope...he brought illustrations. My favorite was the picture of him seemingly in a coma with a teddy bear. He points out that his mom took that picture because she took care of him and nursed him back to health. I love that he threw that in there....he's close with his mom because she didn't abandon him when he was in a life threatening car wreck. This has taught him that life is short and you need to live it hour to hour or something. He earns vital "life has taught him how to love" points from Desiree.
Des asks him about his future plans, and he starts talking about the past. Clearly he doesn't have a good answer for this. He starts talking about how he used the military as an excuse to not get close to people, and that he's not going to do that anymore. Works for Des, she gives him the rose, commenting on how glad she is that he told her "his story."
Why does everyone have to have "a story?" Are you not marriage material if you haven't had to overcome some sort of personal tragedy? When I was ten years old, a friend of mine and her sister were killed by their mother before she turned the gun on herself. It was sad and tragic and all that stuff, but do I think that it in any way affected my ability to love or shaped my outlook on life? No, but if I were on the Bachelorette, I'd have to tell the girl that it did in order to show her that I was broken at one point in my life and now can accept love, which seems like a huge disservice to my friend and her sister. Yet if I don't come forward with something like that, I get seen as a guy who "puts up walls" and isn't willing to "open up" about his past. It's a crazy system. Every guy should walk around with some sad piano music on an iPod for when he gets alone time.
Bryden then gets some quality hot tub time where he just keeps saying how "awesome" the date was. Des clearly wants to be kissed and is sort of blown away that he's not picking up on the signals. It probably has something to do with him looking at his hands in the water, but whatever. Finally Des ends the madness by demanding he kiss her to which he says "I should? I should just go for it?" Good Lord he's sheltered. However, he's not sheltered enough to not use an obscene amount of tongue on the kiss. I get the feeling he practiced that kiss on a pillow once or twice....
Mercifully, it's time for the rose ceremony. Michael needs to get something off his chest. He has diabetes. There! It's out! Phew, thank God he didn't hide that from her! Before he can get too far into his story about how his blood sugar was 890, which means absolutely nothing to anyone who doesn't have diabetes, here comes Single Dad Ben again!
Ben gets his one on one time while the other guys talk about how much a douche he is. Ben is a walking cliché, telling Des he just loves her smile and how he can't wait to see her again and blah blah blah. He is also glad that he and Des share a secret: that only he knows how good of a kisser she is. Jokes on him though - Brooks and Bryden also know, although I'm not sure that Bryden could tell much other than his tongue was definitely attacking something other than the back of his own teeth.
Miami Michael calls Ben aside to talk to him about his swooping problem, which basically is a bunch of lawyer speak. He says "we're all here for Des and not to make friends, but you're not getting along with the guys like everyone else." Can't have it both ways Michael. He says he doesn't care if he makes friends with the other guys, yet gets angry at him for doing "unfriendly" things. Mikey feels the need to inject himself in here, reiterating that "you got a rose, why don't you let my buddy here have a few moments with her?" I'm confused, but then Ben offers the lame excuse that he didn't know he was interrupting a conversation and says "the other guys think I was being selfish, but I'm just doing what I need to do for me and Des." Sounds pretty selfish to me man!
It was interesting to here the guys griping about how he hasn't brought his son up with them since the first night, yet has talked at length about his bar and his other business ventures. RIGHT REASONS ALERT!
And now we're finally on to the rose ceremony. Chris says that the drama that's already going down is "actually a good thing" because it shows how serious they are about this. Translation: "you guys are going to get people to watch this show with your bitchy tantrums." I wish I could take pictures of these guys faces, because they all look like they're about to vomit. Just awesome television. They didn't even need any sound. #RoseCeremonyFace! Hashtagger gets a rose, despite not making a single Twitter reference the entire episode. Also safe is Juan (Who? Juan. Who Juan? Juan Pablo!) Pablo, who also had a pretty uneventful episode. Des did take the time to learn how to ask "will you accept this rose in Spanish though, so that's a good sign for ol' "Who Juan." Not safe are Black Yoga Man, some scrawny dude who looks like Captain America BEFORE he gets the Super Soldier Serum named Robert (who called his experience "a nightmare" and a completely forgettable fella named Nick who seems shocked that he's going home heartbroken.
On to next week, which features a lot of bro-drama and bad tank tops! Can't wait!
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