Ben's still in his "me against the world" mentality. He doesn't care if everyone ends up hating him, so long as he gets Des in the end. As usual, this is probably the appropriate attitude to have when on a show where the goal is to get married to a specific woman, but that doesn't change the fact that publicly announcing it makes you kind of a asshat.
Dodgeball for a group date? Sounds good! I love the pro dodgeball players. The guy throwing a ball off a wall from five feet away and stomping off like IronMan after blowing up a tank was classic. Gotta love people who take their hobbies seriously, right? Michael, the Miami lawyer, says "I definitely get what Des meant by "love is a battlefield" now." Yep, love is like dodgeball.
I'm also confused by this "group date." Des is practically an afterthought on this date. She's spending more time hanging out with Chris Harrison than the guys. Has she even said a word? The red team is doing "what time is it?" chants, while the blue team does some sort of strange high school volleyball bounce around cheer.
The first round goes to the blue team after a one-on-one battle between Chris and Drew. Amusing that the two scrawniest guys avoided getting hit the longest. Drew really plays up his final throw, explaining that he had a ball come "right to him," and in "one fluid motion" winged the ball at Chris for the victory. What really happened was he picked a ball up off the ground, took about six steps and threw a ball at a scrawny, un-athletic dude who was too slow to get out of the way.
In fact, all these guys are playing up this thing. They're talking about not being able to see the balls whizzing past them and whatnot. The final round starts with Brooks hurting his finger, and Des coming to his aid like he's been shot. It's a finger! Ronnie Lott cut one off to finish a football game! The blue team wins, but Des brings everyone along to the after party anyways. This is cool on the Bachelorette, but Sean did this on the Bachelorette and all the girls got PISSED. Big difference between guys and girls.
Meantime, Brooks is hooked up to oxygen? For a finger? He passed out? He kicked his bed out of pain? This guy went to the Tierra school of overexaggerating injuries. Anyone who thought their first date was "magical" can just forget about him winning. Des will act all sympathetic for a while, but no girl wants a namby pamby man. Last night I was having issues with some pain in my left shoulder area, and I was a little worried I might be having a heart issue. Rachel said "stop freaking out, it's probably a pinched nerve or something, let me give you a massage." She proceeded to dig her well sharpened elbow into my back for about twenty minutes. Her plan was to show me what real pain was, I think. Point is, she wasn't interested in my complaining about my injury....she wanted a real guy who would suck it up and deal with it. As always, I'm amazed she agreed to marry me.
Brad (or Gay Brad as Rachel calls him) tells Des he has a kid and baby mama drama. It involves alcohol and a restraining order, but of course he didn't do anything wrong. I'm pretty sure he just disqualified himself, but kudos for being honest.
Brooks shows back up and tries to say that "it's not a big deal, just a broken finger." Nice try, but last scene you were laid up on a stretcher taking oxygen. I'd hate to be around when this guy gets a paper cut - I imagine ice packs, Bubble Guppies bandaids, and maybe some tylenol being involved. Rachel thinks he may be gay as well. She thinks that's the twist this season....Des got 24 gay guys and one straight guy, and she has to find the guy who likes girls. She might not be wrong.....Brandon is getting all weepy about her dancing with Chris, who maybe had the most ungrateful reaction to getting a rose on a group date ever. Not even a full smile, just a half smirk and an emotionless "thank you for this." I don't see him winning this thing either. Maybe my dude Juan Pablo has a chance! The language barrier may work in his favor....the other guys may know how to speak English, but they certainly haven't mastered it.
Chris and Des get a private concert that isn't all that private, as the other guys can see what's going on. I will give kudos to the singer...her voice was pretty intoxicating. A heck of a lot more romantic than that Andy Grammer fella from last week. Unfortunately I didn't catch her name.
DRAMA TIME!! Chris tells Des she's got some news about one of the guys. Maybe it'll have to wait, because it's time for Des's #date with #Kasey. Or not......time to talk to Brian first!
Brian is kind of an anonymous guy, I'm not sure I know anything about him. Des says "Brian has been trying to get a one on one date since day one!" I'm not sure how that's a bad thing....unless of course you have a girlfriend! OH GURRRLLLL - you got served. I'm not sure how you get away with going on a reality show while having a girlfriend and think you're not going to get caught. Which brings me to this week's segment of
Andy Lasselle's Advice for Guys Cheating on Their Girlfriends
When attempting to cheat on your girlfriend the first rule is this:
- DON'T GO ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED REALITY SHOW TO DO IT
I'm pretty sure this thing is staged, because nobody is as stupid as the paragraph I wrote above, right?
I love that Brian is wearing a pink v-neck for this conversation. I also love that the other guys are all huddled in the kitchen taking this in. This girl looks like she's old enough to be Brian's mother. She apparently is a mother. She's come equipped with FACTS too. She knows dates, she's confirmed six or seven other girls that he's hooked up with (IT'S VERIFIED). This is a crazy scene. All four people are talking, Chris Harrison has already sentenced Brian to death essentially, Stephanie apparently chucked some rocks at this guys face. SHE THREW ROCKS AT HIS FACE. And we're all mad at this guy for wanting to date someone else? I'm dumbfounded by this. The rock throwing has completely changed my view of this situation. I absolutely would date someone who did not throw rocks at my face over someone who did use my face for rock target practice. No wonder he wasn't honest with her...if he told her the truth, she might've stabbed him with a tree branch or something. Des sends him home....Chris acts as if this guy is the most horrible person in the world and asks him to leave this place immediately....but not before the camera crew follows you in front of all the other guys up to the messiest dorm room you've ever seen to pack his crap. Des says she needs to trust her intuition and hope its right. Apparently it's not, because Brian had you fooled until his leather pants wearing mom/girlfriend traipsed in there to verbally assault him. Des reiterates that Brian was not here for the "right reasons." Apparently "trying to get away from a rock throwing psycho" is a wrong reason. Des pleads with the guys "if you're hiding anything, tell me now." As if anyone's going to say "You're right! I have a girl back home too!" Nice try, ABC.
Brandon apparently thinks Brian leaving a single mom is the worst thing ever, because now he's crying. I can't believe I picked this guy as my favorite on the first night. Juan Pablo is now Numero Uno in my book? Who? Juan. Who Juan? Juan Pablo. Can we get him some airtime please?
Juan Pablo time will have to wait, because Kasey gets to #danceonabuilding with Des. Des is glad to be on this date because Kasey is so #fun and #trustworthy. How she knows these things is beyond me. Must be that razor-sharp intuition of hers.
Dancing on the side of a building is a thing? Why is that a thing? Why is called Bandalooping? Kasey thinks they're sharing a moment that nobody else will share. Clearly he's never watched a season of this show. Apparently they got really tired and sucked at bandalooping, so they quit and decide to eat dinner instead. No speech about "it was amazing that we competed this difficult task together, we can definitely overcome anything now!" Des seems grumpy. Dinner's no better, because there's a full-scale tornado going on out there. They can't even talk about anything, so they decide to jump into a pool, which of course is freezing. Kasey tries to make the best of it, but they somehow end up kissing with towels on their heads, which is just awful. Des is completely not feeling this, but she gives him the rose anyways. I think she just felt she couldn't ditch the guy after one of the biggest #fail dates of all time, since it really wasn't his fault. He won't stick around long though.
Group date time, and we're stagecoaching it out to a ranch. Des is dressed like a turn of the 20th century prostitute, and she's kicking a guy off a balcony. Turns out this date is a fifteen minute infomercial for The Lone Ranger. Yawn.
First "bootcamp" activity is lassoing. Why do they have pink ropes? What is the purpose for the pink ropes? They also get to practice "quick drawing" a pistol and punching people. Now they get to put it all together in the worst movie scene of all time.....
UNTIL JUAN PABLO KILLS IT. He's kicking dirt on people, cussing in Spanish....I love this guy. His reward is getting to watch The Lone Ranger in the barn with Des. They don't spend very much time actually watching the movie, instead flirting and making out. I'm not sure this was the best way to plug your movie, ABC...."Pay $11.25 to not watch our movie and make out!" At least Juan Pablo hasn't proven himself to be an idiot yet. He's still in the running to win this thing. If anyone else gets the rose, I'm not sure I understand the point of this show.
Bryden gets to sit in a tree with Des for some alone time, and of course he thinks that it's "awesome." Bryden is a nice guy, but he might be "too nice" to win this competition. Des has to basically draw him a map to her face again to get a kiss, but of course he thinks that kissing her is "awesome," and he "wants to do it again." He's a child, but I like him.
Shirtless Zak is growing on me. He's over the top enthusiastic, but at least he's not whiny, like our next guy, Meathead James.
Meathead James is having a nice, fun conversation with Des, until he drops the bomb that he's worried about his dad, who has pancreatic cancer or something. He then basically says "I hope you see a future for us, because ol' Dad is sick, and I might need to go home if you don't give me a rose tonight." What a smooth move. Des falls for it, and gives him the sympathy rose. Juan Pablo got hosed.
Des says "the rose to me represents time....more time." James says "this rose represents that our feelings are the same." Clearly not, but good try buddy.
We can't end this episode without a little Ben drama, right? Why is he wearing a tankini and hot pink shorts? He heads Des off at the pass to talk her ear off about how he doesn't want to be in the "dad zone." They make out, and then Ben says 'remember it's our little secret!" Yeesh. Ben continues lie to the guys about everything. Of course he makes the mistake of lying to Meathead James and Meathead Mikey - two guys Rachel has dubbed "the Chicago Mafia." They take Ben out to "whack" him or something...even bringing their Miami Lawyer Michael with them to make sure they don't do anything that can be pinned on them or something. How many times do we have to have these conversations.
Brandon has another horrible one on one time with Des....talking about throwing a ball with some random dude that was boning his mom when he was a kid and then saying he had a secret to tell her and going in for the most awkward kiss ever. So awkward that Des laughs all the way through it, yet Brandon seems to think it was amazing. He's clueless, and I'm sad for him, because he clearly doesn't get it. He's going to get dismissed and he's going to be shocked by it. I feel bad for people who never seem to be able to see their role in their own failures. It's got to be hard going through life thinking that you've done everything right at every turn and then getting dumped again and again. Self-reflection is a powerful tool that everyone should have in their toolbox.
Time for the rose ceremony (finally.) Roses go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Shirtless Zak the Enthusiastic, Broken-Finger Brooks, Skinny Drew, The Other Drew, Gay Brad, Miami Lawyer Michael, Chicago Mafia Mikey, and Ben. Confusion covers Brandon's face like a cloud rolling in off the coast. He still doesn't get it. He goes right on the offensive telling Des "you're making a huge mistake, I don't understand." Des says tersely "you're a great guy, just not for me." I feel like she handled it pretty well.....oh God no, she's following him out. Do not give this guy anything else. She tells him she needed to send him home now before he got any further in, and he's dumbfounded. "Once again, someone left me" he moans. As Coolio once said "you can't help me if you can't help yourself." Good move Des.
Loved the tankini comment. That thing was nasty! Great blog as usual. Wish Des wasn't so boring though!
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