Bachelorette Week 7: Madeira makes Michael call his Mommy

Well from a Bachelor party over the weekend to the Bachelorette!  I'm flying solo tonight with the family in Wisconsin, so I can't use the "only watch this show because my wife watches it" excuse anymore.  So here I sit in a pair of basketball shorts eating watermelon and watching very bad reality television.  You know what?  Couldn't be happier!

Well I'm hoping to get some answers to questions I had at the end of last weeks episode.  Why are all the guys crying?  Why does Des like Drew so much?  When is Juan Pablo coming back?  And why the heck is Lawyer Mike still around?

Sadly, it looks like very few of those questions will be answered tonight.  We're off to Madeira.  I swear last week they said they were going to Majorca, but whatever.  Apparently Des brought all the guys there on a yacht.  Five guys and one dude on a boat?  Psshht...we had 12 guys and one girl on a boat MUCH smaller than this at C-Runk's bachelor party this weekend.  Amateurs.

The week before hometowns always bring the pressure - people start realizing that their parents are going to be meeting this girl, and they almost take the process seriously for the first time.  Des brought out three girls from her past season, including one of my favorites - the smoking hot but incredibly boring Jackie.  Catherine is also there to dish on her relationship with Sean.  Des asks what's up with the two of them, and Catherine gives the most unemotional response ever.  "it's been a whirlwind that hasn't ended yet. He wanted a best friend, I wanted a best friend, and that's what we got.  The last thing he said to me was 'give Des good advice.'"  Nice change of subject, Catherine.  It sounded like the answer you would give when someone asked you about your marriage after 10 years, not three months of engagement.  Also, I'm pretty sure the whirlwind has stopped.  I haven't heard Sean or Catherine's names in months.

Des starts dishing on the guys.  A recap:

• Chris is supportive without having to say anything
• Brooks is positive, adventurous, and fun
• Michael is a federal prosecutor - genuine guy
• Zak is adventurous and reflective
• Drew is sweet, but she doesn't see any spice

Out of that group, I'd say Michael the Lawyer might be in trouble.  Her description of him was that he had a job.  After some more deliberation, the guys walk out to play at the pool, and the girls go super creepy stalker and break out the binoculars and judge the guys on their bodies.  Brooks is chastised for wearing a tank top, and then it's on to focusing on how many guys Des kissed again.

What the hell, ABC?  Why are we focusing on this so much with Des?  I haven't noticed her kissing any more people than any other Bachelorette or Bachelor.  Is this some sort of thing where we're trying to hammer home to TV viewers that Des is not just a cute, innocent girl?  Why we gotta make her look like a slut?  After she gives "best kisser" to Drew, Catherine asks "which guy has the biggest (-----)?" to which Des replies, "I dunno, probably Chris!" to which the girls say "hey, you never know!"  So I guess that means that Chris looks like a guy with a small package.  Good luck overcoming that stigma, buddy!

Brooks humblebrags that he's been on so many group dates, he's forgotten how to act on single dates....the implication that he's the first dude to get a second one-on-one date.  Des whisks him away in  a tiny European car, and they cruise out to some cliffs overlooking the water.  Brooks is an idiot. Just once I'd like to hear some sort of insightful statement from him.  Instead we get "thanks for inviting me on this date," and "we're not above the clouds and not below the clouds...we're like in the clouds!"  Des makes a lame "we didn't just have a breakthrough in the clouds, we had a breakthrough in our relationship!"  I still don't see it.  I just don't get them as a couple.  Des apparently does though.  She says "picture the best dream you've ever had, then times it by ten, then live it, and that's where I am."  After that endorsement, you'd think Brooks is your favorite right?  I think that might be Des' version of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you."  She'll say something just as over the top about the next guy too I'm sure.

Back at the house, the guys are anxiously awaiting the date card.  After Chris Harrison drops off a note on a small table and ding-dong ditches the guys, it is revealed that the next date will go to Chris...who apparently did an internal Tiger Woods fist pump.  Back on the date, Des toasts to "one of the best dates she's ever been on."  Brooks starts talking about how "he's not lose to his family just because they're his family."  So all the rest of us who think we're close to our family are wrong?  This is just a bizarre monologue.  Basically all he's saying is that he worries that Des doesn't want to meet his family, and doesn't want to bring home a girl that's just keeping him around because ABC won't let her cut him loose yet.  They then talk about how there are stages between like and love, and then equate them to speeds: stepping, skipping, running and finish line!  Des says she's starting to run, and Brooks is elated. S"he said she's running, and I feel like that was an honest response.  I want to start running too!" Ugh.  Also, his sweater and her dress get an "ugh."  Cue the fireworks!  Des loves that he wanted her to meet his family....as if he's going to say no.  

Next up is Chris.  He's apparently clueless as to why the date card said "let's SEA if we can find love." So the idea that you might be going out on a boat never crossed your mind, buddy?  The guys go watch  them walk off and Brooks says "oh good they're not holding hands!"  Seriously?  You're trying to glean something from their body language?  Immediately Chris grabs her hand, and Brooks gets all frowny face.  Michael says he'll break his fingers, which is a lie.  He'd coerce Mikey or James to break them for him.  He's a lawyer, right?

Chris finally grasps the "we're going on a boat" concept, and shows genuine emotion for the first time on the show.  He says "we're going to be chilling boat style, drinking some vino...." I think I liked boring Chris better.  Des asks Chris if he's the same around her as he is around his friends, and he says 100%, well..I'm not hugging everyone and holding their hands."  Goes without saying buddy.  Sometimes less is more.  During their picnic, Chris brings out a bottle and says "we're going to do a message in a bottle, but we're going to write a poem together."  GAG ME NOW.  

Experiences we share together

keep the memories close to heart

so that with time

our love never parts

No matter the distance or hours away

know that I'm out there somewhere thinking of you

just as the waves crash into the shore

I long for the day I'll be with your forevermore.

That poem looks like it was written by two people that were hours apart and couldn't communicate.  Some lines are short, some are long.  Some rhyme, some don't.  Also, ending it with "forevermore" gives it a real Edgar Allen Poe-y feeling to me, and that's not a good thing.  I'm not a fan of their poetry.  Actually, I'm not a big fan of any poetry.  It's all too flowery and over the top for me.  Except haikus.  Haikus are awesome.  Here's a Bachelorette Haiku for you.

Des kisses many men

Their man junk she dreams about

Stab me with a knife

At dinner, Chris is nervous.  He's trying to tell her he loves her, but of course the only way he can do it is through the power of poetry.

Individually Defined

The strongest word with so much meaning

hard to say without a stammer

but when expressed with true feeling

sincere, for no other word can mean so much more

like the time we had atop the hotel

seventeen above

feelings had changed and were oh so real

meant to be is how I feel

our hearts are open

words expressed by you

feelings I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

appreciate your emotion you have shown

and I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

Expressed in writing 

and felt through touch

enjoy this moment

and embrace this rush

The strongest word with so much meaning

not so hard to believe its true

our hearts are open and in each kiss

I truly mean that I love you.

I guess it's the sentiment that counts, but man is that tough to read.  Des loves it.  She's blown through the roof and wasn't expecting him to say the big "L."  She's pretty happy, and her every kiss seems to say "Brooks who?"  Chris thinks he's found "the one."  Des has no words, since she seems intent on kissing Chris for the rest of her life.

Time for a date with Michael now.  Des would love having Michael in her life.  "I feel like we would have a blast together, he would have my back...I feel like he has all the qualities that would make a loyal, trustworthy husband."  You take out the word husband, and you could replace it with "Labradoodle." Seriously she just described all the qualities I'm looking for in the next pet for our family.

Michael says that Des has 48 of the 47 criteria for the perfect woman.  I'm not sure what she sees in this guy.  So far he's shown only that he's a petulant tattletale who likes to back people into a corner.  Des, who apparently picked up on none of that, says that he's "the sweetest person she's ever met."  So that makes two guys that are "the sweetest person in the world."  I think they should fight for that title.  Next, it's time for two guys dressed like ice cream vendors to shove them down a hill on a couch.  What the hell is going on?  Michael gets the short straw and has to equate love to couch bobsledding.  I really love that these two guys have to push them all the way down the hill.  What kind of job is that?  "Oh, I push people on couches down hills.  It's really tough, because if you don't steer them correctly, the couch will bump into the curb at a low rate of speed."  

After a wardrobe change (Michael goes for sport coat, v-neck and jeans while Des opts for denim jacket over form fitting white dress.  Advantage, Desiree.  Michael says that date exceeded his expectation, and that he had so much fun.  Des says "awww............thanks."  Clearly, she was looking for more.  

Time for Michael to tell his sob story about being the product of a broken home with diabetes.  It's prepared him to be a good dad apparently.  Des seems content, but is definetly not feeling it the way she was on the other two dates.  My hypothesis is that she picked two one-on-one dates with her front runners, then gave the third to Michael because she knows this week she won't have to straight up diss him and listen to him try to lawyer his way out of it.  We'll see if I'm right.  Also, Michael apparently found out via a Facebook photo that his girlfriend had moved on.  Ouch.

As they wander through the streets, they come across an old women wailing away to some opera music.  They sort of stand there with an arm around each other and then finally give each other little pecks on the cheek.  I'm convinced now.  She wants Michael as a friend, but not as a lover.  He's her labradoodle.

Drew's super confident, which is funny since the previews make it look like he's not anywhere near 100% committed to this process.  Good times.  Zak sums up the absurdity of the show perfectly:  "I'm 100% in love with this woman.  I've known her for WEEKS."  Alrighty then....time for some European go-karting!  Des is ready to see the guys let loose and show her their fun sides.  Zak says "there's so many twist and turns that complicate this track..."  So basically it's not a straight line.  

After some warm-up laps, Des pits the two bros against each other, and ABC hilariously makes them talk to the cameras while wearing the helmets.  As they whip around the track, Drew tells us how the feeling you get from love is similar to the feeling from racing around the track.  Not to be outdone, Zak says the same thing in slightly different words.  Drew is bummed that he loses the race, but then issues a warning.  "I have the upmost respect for Zak, but I'm going to go above and beyond to show her how I feel."  Does Drew have a few cards up his sleeve to play?  Find out after the break!

Zak's "prize" for winning is the first time with Des.  That seems like a pretty crappy prize....you're not getting anything extra.  And, Drew gets the opportunity to leave the last impression before she gets the rose.  Drew turns on the charm, showing her his drawings and talking about how it symbolizes the feelings he felt when he kissed her.  Zak played that well.

Drew's turn.  Come, let's sit on a flimsy blanket atop some old Firestone tires!  Des really tries to get Drew to be flirty with her, but he's not going for it.  He's in total serious mode.  He wants Des to meet his sister.  Des is looking right at Drew, but he's looking at the ground.  Like, seriously not looking at her at all.  I'm really confused by this fella.  The words coming out of his mouth do not jive with they way he's saying them.  But Des is smitten.  She's all about the kissing, and Drew drops in a "I've fallen for you" which is the poor man's "I love you."  

While Drew seems to think that he'll get another chance to say "I love you" later on, Zak feels like it wasn't even necessary to say, because he was so smooth.  Rose goes to Drew, for sharing a heart wrenching story about his sister having a severe mental handicap.  Aside from the obvious reasons I would never be on the Bachelor (happily married, lacking a six-pack), I feel like I'd be instantly disqualified because I feel largely unaffected by my parents splitting up and because I have all my limbs and am not related to anyone with a deformity or handicap.  It's like a requirement now that you talk about some struggle in your life.  If you've led a happy life, you're at a serious disadvantage, so much so that you need to exploit the memory of a deceased relative or blow some unhappy moment out of proportion just to garner a sympathy rose.  Otherwise, you're seen as "not opening up."  It's a great show to watch, but seriously would it be worth it to be a part of this?

After a montage of the guys packing their bags, Des deliberates with Chris.  This is the best week she's had, which makes sense because she's more comfortable with the guys.  Chris reminds Des that she's about to break someone's heart (probably).   He brings up the fact that she'd never been to Europe again, and Des talks about how she never imagined that she'd get to travel overseas as a part of the Bachelorette.  Chris asks about the guys, and Des says that Drew is the best looking guy she's ever seen, and he's so sincere.  She then drops a bomb and has moved from running to the finish line with Brooks.  Then she starts crying.  Holy crap...how is this guy the first to win her heart?  He's so boring!  I also think this is a first for a bachelor/ette to admit to loving one of the contestants before the final rose.  Interesting.  Chris asks if the competition is over, and Des isn't ready to say that...yet.  She's still giving Chris a chance at least.  So basically it looks like all Brooks has to do is not screw up, and he'll win.  Either that, or she's giving Chris a chance to dramatically improve his poetry and seal the deal.

In the end, it's Michael the Labradoodle that gets sent packing, as I thought.  He should really be proud of the fact that he was able to lawyer his way into the final five, because he really had no business being there.  Des gets to give Michael the traditional "you're such a special guy" send-off.  He gets the "we have a great friendship" line, and then Des smartly just shakes her head and says "I dunno."  Might be the first genuine send-off ever.  Michael's still laying on the charm trying to sway her, saying things like "no girl is going to compare to you."  Guess he's going to have to settle with looking for a girl with only 47 out of 47 perfect woman categories.

He's grumpy in the limo, talking about how he's tired of being rejected, then says "this would've made his mom's life."  He then calls his mom from the limo!  His mom says "here we go again!"  Best line ever from a mom!  That just made this entire episode worth it.  So much behind those four words!  Then Michael moans 'maybe I'm just never meant to have a family!"  Oh god, cry me a river!

Next week, the return of Des' brother!  Also, there's absolutely no indication we'll get to see any of the man crying that was teased on last week's episode.  ABC's again found a way to keep me in the game to the very end.

Bachelorette Week 5: And there goes Meathead #1

After the pre-show teasers, it seems like Des is starting to doubt the process.  I don't want her to not give it 100%, so I need to set an example and blog at 100% too, right.  A refreshed, rededicated blog is coming your way....RIGHTNOW.

Welcome to Munich!  Bros on a Train!  Things always start to go a little sideways once you get off of the North American continent, and the guys are so giddy, they're fired up over a slow motion jousting competition between two animatronic dudes on a giant cuckoo clock thingy.  Let's hope they put that enthusiasm into their dates.

Chris shows up to harsh everyones buzz by announcing the dreaded 2 on 1 date is looming.  Then there's a lot of mangled German speaking by Chris and the dudes, and some guy says "I think this hotel is one of the nicest in all of Germany."  I'm glad he's able to level such a broad, sweeping statement after visiting all of ONE HOTEL IN GERMANY.  Anyways, Chris (not the host, although that would be AWESOME) gets the one on one date, and it's the typical first date overseas - wander around a foreign land mocking local culture!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bryden is really not feeling that this is for him.  He looks really sad, like his owner forgot to throw the ball for him in the yard before he left for work.  If Bryden leaves, I'm not sure there's a decent guy left for her.  In the biggest cock block ever, Bryden's going to head out into a city of over a million people to find their date and lower the boom.  Meanwhile, Chris and Des are speaking horrible German, laughing while wearing traditional German Lederhosen, and dancing to polka music...which by the way, are there really people with horns just playing in the middle of a square in Munich, or is this another example of ABC saying "what's the most stereotypical German thing we can think of to make them do?"

Bryden catches up with them after ABC makes him hilariously ask random people on the street if they've seen television cameras "filming people."  Do production assistants no longer carry cell phones?  Do their BlackBerry's not work in Europe?  Bryden politely waits for a song to end.  Chris then is the most gracious man to ever be interrupted on a date, actually hugging Bryden and telling him "of course it's OK...just bring her back!"  Chris, she's not a 1997 Ford Taurus, she's the girl you want to marry!  Methinks he probably had an idea this was coming, but he dutifully plays dumb for the cameras.  Now he seemingly starts to realize that this could ruin the rest of his date.

Bryden feels like this was the right time for him to leave - right after he gets a free trip to Germany.  He knew back in Atlantic City that he wasn't really feeling this, yet he flies across the pond just to not go on a date and head home.  Chris says she doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants to get back to the date, but they spend the whole meal time rehashing the whole ordeal.  Chris reiterates that he's not going to leave, and in a subtle nod to the departed Bryden, says that their time together has been "awesome."  They then toast over gigantic beer mugs, which causes my sneaky-funny wife to quip "I'm excited to see how the rest of their date goes after chugging those monsters."

We'll have to wait to find out though, because first we find out that Miami Lawyer Michael and Everyone's Favorite Sleazy Single Dad Ben are going into the Date of Death - two men go in, only one  will come out.  Michael is already practicing his opening and closing statements ready to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he is just slight less shady than Ben, and therefore deserves to stay a little longer.

Now we're back at something called the Munich Residenz, where Des drunkedly trips over the curb....those beers are working their magic.  Furthering the fact that they're drunk, Des seems to think that Chris is a "special guy."  He's like the opposite of a special guy....he's about as run of the mill as they come - although you could argue that run of the mill is special in this house of meatheads.  There's lots of nervous giggling and rambling on this date, and then Chris goes way goofy with a poem that he either didn't write or is too drunk to remember the words to.  Is the poem really as impressive if you can't memorize it?  Wouldn't it be way more romantic if he'd committed his words of love to memory?  Chris gets the rose, and a kiss from a sleepy eyed Desiree.  But wait, there's more!  A guy in the corner of the room on a piano that nobody saw before?  Was he over there smirking and rolling his eyes while Chris looked down at his shoes and read a mediocre poem?  I sure hope so!  Love how Chris says "this is perfect, we're getting a private concert from Matt Light (or is it White?), as if we all should know who he is.  Shame on us America, for not knowing who this dude is.  So far this season, we've seen Andy Grammer, Soulja Boy, Darius Rucker, and now Matt Light/White.  I could pick exactly one of those people out of a lineup, and it's because of his time with the Blowfish.  I couldn't name one Darius Rucker solo album.  Matt looks like it takes all of his energy to sing the high notes...I'm worried for the blood vessels behind his eyes.  Chris is pretty sure that Des loves him, because of how she kisses.  I'd like to remind him that she's had a giant beer and a couple glasses of wine tonight....and girls always kiss a little differently when they're tipsy buddy.  Let's see if you get that passion when she's sober big fella.

Group date time on a mountain that Des calls "Zoupitza" (It's really Zugspitze).  German is a rough language to try to speak when you don't know what's going on.  It's the highest peak in Germany apparently.  Drew is excited to share this with Des...."she's seeing something she's NEVER seen before."  Apparently Drew is a world traveler and comes to Zoupitza twice a year.  I don't know why this sounded so condescending to me, but they way he said it reminds me of how excited I was to take Jonah to the zoo for the first time.

Of course there's a yodeler.  Props to Juan Pablo for trying super hard to say "yodeler."  I don't understand why they all have to put their arms around the guy as if he's some sort of goofy sideshow act, like the little person at the Corvallis Knights games that goes by the name "Lil' K" and wears the number 1/2 on his jersey.  Can't we give him like a name that doesn't focus on his smallness, like "Sir Strikeout" (cause they're the Knights) or something?  I'm always blown away by this.  Isn't yodeling like a serious thing in the Alps?  I really dislike how every time they go overseas on this show it turns into "look how weird foreign cultures are!"  Zak says "he's kind of a funny guy...I don't know how to take some of those notes he hit."  Take them as an extremely difficult talent that you can't do, you super enthusiastic idiot.

After mocking their elders, it's time to ride a sled down a hill.  "it's like a black diamond hill with major freeway, rush hour style pileups!'  Or it's a well manicured slope with eight people on it.  They should try to get in a bounce house with a bunch of six year olds at Wacky Bounce, because that seems way more dangerous than what they did.  I did appreciate Drew's "I'm just going to crash into Des and hope I don't hurt her too bad so that I can apologize and get a hug" tactic.  Reminds me of the time we thought it'd be a good idea to lob water balloons at the girls sunbathing at the sorority across the street in college.  I think in our heads we saw it going one of two ways - either they'd laugh and we'd get into a flirtatious water fight with some bikini clad sorority sisters, or they'd be mildly upset and we'd get to take them to an apology dinner.  I failed to see option three - where the water balloon lands in an adjacent pile of bark mulch, coating the girls and their blanket in little dirty bits of wood.  Oh I ended up apologizing alright, and getting to do a load of laundry for them as well.  But hey, good luck with that tactic, Drew!

Back at the house, awkwardness is really dominating the room as Michael and Ben aren't even trying to hide their hatred for each other anymore, and poor Chris is just trying to blend into the couch cushions so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire.  This should be good.

Back on Zugspitse, it's an ice mansion!  What's the point of an ice mansion?  Do people actually stay in these things?  I know that James Bond did in one of those Pierce Brosnan flicks, but all I remember is rapid ice melting and people drowning.  Not my idea of fun.  Do like the polar bear ice sculpture in the corner though...that was a nice touch.

Mikey and Des are making the Zuccarelli family snowmen.  "This could be me," Mikey says as he points to a amorphous blob of snow.  How right you are, Mikey, how right you are.  They have some sort of awkward conversation that is interrupted by Zak, goofily yodeling in the background.  "Grrr, Mikey no like Zak!" Mikey grumbles to the camera.

New development, the guys don't like James anymore.  Their reasoning is something along the lines of "He doesn't treat us like he does the girl he's trying to marry!" I never understand the "bros before ho's" mentality of the guys on the Bachelorette.  Brooks creepily peeps on a James/Desiree make out session from an ice hallway.  At this point I think all the guys hearts are turning into hard blocks of ice.

As if things weren't weird enough on here, Brooks somehow garners the rose on this date.  If he hadn't been ice-peeping, I don't think I even would've known he was on this date.  How did that happen.  I'm almost as baffled as James, who snottily says "at this point, I'm focusing on my relationship with Des and I don't really care about what happens with the other guys."  He is turning into the new Ben...maybe just in time, because he might not be coming home from this date, am I right?

The tension in the limo as Michael and Ben ride to meet Des for this cage match of love.  Michael is talking about putting Ben on trial....a move that I'm sure he thinks he's going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben needs to go home, but will probably end up garnering some sympathy for Ben in Des' eyes.  Time will tell.

On to the awkward park bench chat!  Ben tries a joke about Texas being so flat that you can watch a dog run away for three days - and nobody laughs.  Michael says "I embrace the confrontation and I think Ben knows that."  Ugh.  Des suggests a polar bear plunge, sort of like the girls did in Canada on the last season of the Bachelor....only this water looks a hundred times colder than that water did.  I gotta think Des is joking, and turns out she is.  Instead they're going to take some sort of navigable hot tub out onto the water.  I gotta say that Des' enthusiasm for this contraption is infectious...I'm kind of excited for her!  Unfortunately, much like the Grand Canyon, the "awesomeness" of the "hot tug" is fleeting....next thing you know, you're stuck in the middle of a lake with two dudes who hate each other.

Michael decides that court is now in session and starts the trial of Ben.  Much like I thought, his offensive on Ben is making Des uncomfortable, and she immediately picks up on Michael's tactic.  All Ben has to do at this point is not retaliate and he's got this in the bag.  With what he's saying to the cameras however, it doesn't look like this is going to happen.

Back at the house, the guys are talking about how the Chicago meatheads have been having a conversation about how this is going to make their lives great once they get back to the Windy City.  NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS ALERT!!  The guys are bound and determined to defend Des' honor at the rose ceremony tomorrow night.

Michael continues his assault on Ben at dinner, attacking Ben for not going to church on Easter even though all the other guys went, and not mentioning his son on Easter.  Look, I'm not saying that what Michael is saying doesn't have merit, but if I was hanging out with a bunch of guys who don't like me and are constantly trying to get under my skin, I'm not going to be all chatty about my son either.  Ben's playing this exactly right though, excusing himself from the table.  Des is grumpy, Michael all of a sudden realizes "hey, this might not be the right tactic."  Ben waits long enough for Des to come to him, then plays the wounded single dad perfectly.  It's not going well for Michael.  Des says that she wants to know why he feels so passionate about exposing Ben as a fraud.  Puzzling, since that's what it seemed like he was trying to do at dinner and she got all mad at him.  Michael spends all his one on one time talking about Ben, which is usually the kiss of death on these things.

Des throws a curveball though, and follows the "don't get involved with the person everyone else hates" theory.  THE DEFENSE RESTS!!!  Ben gets his walking papers, and then goes on and says everything you'd expect an asshole to say.  "She picked him over ME?  How did he make it further than I did? Where are we getting drunk tonight?  How soon can I be seen with someone else in public?"  Any sympathy you garnered during that brutal cross examination just vanished in the back of that spite-filled limousine, Benjamin.  You better hope nobody shows your son a copy of this season in a few years, buddy.

Time for a little tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison.  Chris is going to get to the serious stuff, but first he goes all middle school sleepover on Desiree and asks who's the best kisser.  I'm surprised he didn't say "truth or dare!" first, then tell her to prank call Brooks and ask him if his refrigerator was running.

Let's bring on the guys.  Des does the "we don't need a cocktail party" trick, she's got her mind made up.  Kasey and Drew are pissed....what are we gonna do??  James says he's confident in his relationship, and whatever happens, he's cool with it.  Behind him, Drew is wearing the face of someone about to commit a murder.  I'm not liking the energy coming from his face right now.

Why are we making such a big deal out of Des' first time being in Europe?  Chris has brought it up about three times tonight.  Have you not lived until you've been to Europe?  Has everything I've done in my life been meaningless since I've not yet been to the Old World?  Poor Drew is about to pass out from the anger bubbling up inside him.  Oh what I wouldn't give for him to just blurt out "James is using you!" right now.  That would be the best moment in this shows history!  Unfortunately, Drew gets a rose, and it's down to Meathead Mikey vs. Meathead James.  Bummer for those bros.  Maybe he should've put a little more effort into his lump of snow-family that he built.

He, of course, is shocked.  "How could she not want to know me better?"  The problem is that Mikey sees himself like an ocean when he's really like that little pool of water at the end of your children's Crocodile Mile.

Mikey's depth is not what he thinks it is

Looking forward to next week when the tears start really flowing!

Bachelorette Week 4 - Atlantic City Sucks

The episode started off with Chris telling the guys they were going to Atlantic City.  I can't remember who said it, but one of the guys said "This is going to be great!  Des is going to be there!"  At first I thought he was a moron, because OF COURSE SHE'LL BE THERE, but I slowly realized that that was the only nice thing he could say about Atlantic City.

That's how I felt about this episode.  The only nice thing I can say about it is that Des was there.  She sent home the spousal abuser after committing 87 health code violations and a candy shop, the guys had a Mr. Bachelorette pageant in a high school gym where they all did meathead things, and then she toured an area damaged by hurricane Sandy and gave some old couple a night on the town and then treated them to some Darius Rucker music, which I'm sure they thought was too damn loud and said at least one time "what's a Hootie?"  Oh, and the Zack who keeps his shirt on went home. 

The End.

Bring me something better next week, ABC.

Bachelorette Week 2 - That's a (bad) Rap!

Welcome back y'all.  Let's hope we get into the bro-drama early.  Is anyone else alarmed by the huge amount of meatheads on this season?  Did Des say she wanted the most caveman-like dudes ever?

Chris Harrison is here to humblebrag about his house (will this work for you guys?) and to explain how the dates work just in case these guys have never seen the show before.  Up first is Brooks who is so excited he's giving "arm pumps" and doing "the Rocky Balboa."  I dislike him already.  He says "Des is a big ball of mystery to me."  That's good, given that he's never been on a date with her.  When talking with the guys, he also says he is "actually excited" to go on the date, and one of the guys chimes in "you do seem to be be pretty positive about this."  Call me crazy, but if you're about to go on a first date where Walt Disney is picking up the tab and all you know about the girl is that she's super attractive and desperate for a relationship, shouldn't you be pretty amped about the prospects for the night?  Is there an alternative?  "I dunno guys, maybe I shouldn't have auditioned for the show...I'm kinda bummed now that I'm living in this mansion stocked with free booze where I spend my days hanging by a pool and my nights going on incredible dates with a hottie....this is going to suck!"

Des is "hopeful" that her husband is in the group.  Des shows up in her Bentley and Shirtless Zak is "knocked off his seat" by her beauty.  I will say that it looks like Des has been hitting the gym since her stint on the Bachelor.  Maybe she was always that fit, but either she dressed in baggier clothes or the fact that we no longer have her enormous bangs to stare at made me notice her physique a little more this season.  In any event - well done Des!

Single Daddy Ben gives a glimpse of the D-bag we've been led to believe he is when he whines "I didn't want to see Brooks go on this date...I mean, he's nice and genuine, but he's not me."  I'm assuming he means that he wants to go on the date, but maybe he's alluding to the fact that he is neither nice nor genuine. 

Des says that this date is going to be a slice of her life....so they're off to a bridal shop to play dress up.  Des picks out a wedding dress, Brooks picks out the Dumb and Dumber special - a lime green getup.  I have many pet peeves about this show, but one of them is how it always goes for the obvious laugh.  "Oh, I know what I'll do...I'll find the ugliest tux in here and wear it!  She'll see how quirky I am!"  Brooks is smitten with Des.  "Des is beautiful, I think that's because of who she is...she could literally wear any dress in the store!"  I'm not sure how her inner beauty relates to her ability to wear a dress, but OK. 

Off they go in stolen wedding attire!  They stop at what looks like a mobile cake truck, and apparently there's 47 people who watch the bachelorette that just happen to also want cake, because Des is immediately surrounded by women in their late 20s and 30s who are freaking out like it's a Michael Jackson concert.  I've never really understood the freaking out over meeting a celebrity if you're over the age of say 17.  Yes, it's cool.  If I happened to be walking down the street to my favorite mobile cake truck and ran into Des, I'd probably be fairly excited, given that the Bachelor/ette consumes a sizable chunk of my free time.  Yes, I'd probably ask for a picture.  But that'd be it.  There'd be none of this "I just hit a half court shot to win the championship" celebration.

Time to drive to the top of a hill - and not just any hill...the Hollywood Sign hill.  Des says the reason they get to do this because "it's the 90th anniversary of the sign and normally people don't get access to the sign."  So then why did Ali get to take Frank to the Hollywood sign a few years back?  Was that the 87th anniversary of the sign?  Furthermore, I'm pretty sure if I showed up down in Hollywood this weekend and try to walk up to the sign and say "hey, I'm here for the 90th birthday party for the sign.  I just want to hang out on the L for a while."  I'd probably get told to leave in some strong language. 

Brooks says he loves being "above the clouds."  Somebody tell this guy about smog, OK?  That hill's not THAT high.  Des says the sign symbolizes everyone coming to California to pursue their dreams. I guess I can see that....the Hollywood sign is essentially the Statue of Liberty for people who are destined to become porn stars or waitresses (or both). 

Moving on to the dinner portion of our amazing date and they're either eating at some abandoned warehouse or Des is lost.  Seriously, the neighborhood they're in is looking rough.  I'd suggest they lock the doors on the car and roll through all the stop signs, but of course they're driving a convertible  Bentley.  That car costs more than my house.  So, of course, Des comes to a complete stop at a roadblock and then exits the vehicle.  I thought she had more sense than that.  Brooks looks slightly less sure of Des's plan to exit the vehicle and cruise right on through the road block.  At this point I realized that Des is probably in on some sort of prank.  Yep..it's a blocked off bridge for a date!  Because nothing says romance like eating in the middle of an overpass.  When did this become a thing?  On top of a building I get.  Picnic in the park, OK.  But a freaking bridge?  Unless it's the Golden Gate, I say pass. 

As is customary, talk turns a little more serious at dinner.  Des talks about how her parents are her guiding light for love, then flips it on Brooks and asks how his divorced parents shape his views on marriage.  Brooks gets crazy flustered, and says "well, I don't really share this with a lot of people."  Turns out Brooks went six years without talking to his dad.  There's no real explanation as to why.  Brooks wants to make sure that doesn't happen to him in his marriage.  Basically Brooks parents taught him that he doesn't want to get divorced.  Good to know.  He then says today has been an "emotional roller coaster" for him.  Because she asked one question about your parents?  Yikes Brooks.  He earns the rose, because he told Des his "stories."  She also said he was vulnerable.  I'm not sure what that means.  Brooks says that this is the kind of date guys wish they could give girls and girls wish their guys would do for them.  Yes, because every girl hopes to date a guy with ABC's budget. 

Date's over right?  Nope...there's music rolling in from the darkness.  Private concert time!  What random singer that you've never heard of is it this time?  Andy Grammer and his band!  Who is Andy Grammer?  Well he sings that "keep your head up" song that once made it all the way to #53 on the charts!  He's not even a Top 40 guy!  Casey Kasem would've made this guy tie his shoes if he saw him on the street.  The last official stop on your trip to irrelevance is a private concert on the Bachelor/ette. 

Case in point, it's group date time with one hit wonder Soulja Boy Tell'em!  As one of my coworkers put it - "He's still alive??"  Yup, and he's a horrible coach.  I don't think he offered the guys one constructive piece of advice during the entire episode.  Furthermore, I don't think ABC even played any of his music.  We're making a rap video.  Soulja Boy (whose real name is DeAndre Cortez Way - Which is way better than Soulja Boy BTW) has them freestyle a little bit, and it doesn't go well at all.  These guys are terrible.  Also, I need to apologize to Soulja Boy - he's a two hit wonder.  While he's mostly known for "Crank That" of his debut album souljaboytellem.com - which was number one for an incredible seven weeks despite only having roughly seven words in the entire song - he also had a less acclaimed but much more listenable song "Kiss Me Through the Phone" off his 2008 album iSouljaBoyTellEm.  And yes, his album names are idiotic.  Don't be surprised if his next album is called #souljaboytellem.  Which brings me to this week's edition of:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for the next Soulja Boy Tell'em
When releasing an album, DO NOT just throw any title on your album.  You gain nothing by doing this.  As an artist, you already have fans.  Those people are going to buy your album regardless.  People like Jay-Z and Dr. Dre and Billy Joel and Justin Bieber can do this, because they're household names already and will sell bajillions of records regardless.  You know who won't sell bajillions of records on name recognition alone?  Soulja Boy!!  If you've already released seven multi platinum albums, go ahead and name the next one VIII or The Black Album or something.  If not, name it something that will make people at least pick it up if they have no idea who you are.  Jay-Z's first album was "Reasonable Doubt" and contains exactly one song that I've heard before.  Once he'd released a bunch of hits, then he started getting generic with his album names - His latest was The Blueprint Vol. 3 which gives you an idea that he's so rich he could name his album "Jay-Z Raps" and not care at all.  So don't throw a .com or an "i" or a hashtag on your Album Name.  Either name it after something that announces to the world who you are or what you're about (For instance, I think the name "Pit Bulls and Pole Dancers" would merit at least a few impulse buys) or at the very least name it after your biggest single.  But iYourName is stupid, and it will make me LESS likely to buy your crummy rap album.

Back to the dates, and Ben is first up on alone time.  He's already taking the antagonist stance of "I'm on this group date by myself and there's a bunch of other dudes watching me on my date with Des."  This is the battle cry of the most hated person on the show every time (see Robertson, Courtney and LiCausi, Tierra for examples).  I'm pretty sure that none of these guys even practiced the rapping.  Des says it's good that Soulja Boy is there to guide things.  The only advice he gives is "you got to get more into it.  It sounds like you're reading a poem."  Well there we go.  At least his choreographer taught me the "flip the burgers" move which I plan on debuting at my brother's wedding in August.  Before we go too much further into this disaster of a date, here's the whole music video for you:

Brandon got the enviable task of wearing a speedo, which ABC went to great lengths to block out with a strange black bar.  Wasn't this the same network that brought us NYPD Blue, which made headlines for showing naked backsides like twenty years ago?  So basically they went out of their way to block off his butt....which seems like a waste of money.  Not that I wanted to see his butt....errr.....really backed myself into a corner here.  Moving on.....

How is it that Des is the best rapper of the bunch?  A precocious doe eyed girl known for her down on the farm hairstyle (BANGS!) just a few months ago is now rocking a bikini and outrapping twelve guys who probably grew up listening to Nelly, Lil' Wayne and the like?  I'm not saying that these guys were terrible, but my brother made a whole rap CD with songs about me for Christmas one year, and it wasn't completely awful.  Oof.

Back on the group date, Zak gives her an antique diary that's "never been written in."  That's probably good, because what is she going to do with an antique diary that has someone else's thoughts in it?  Also, what's the chance that it was like those new jeans you pay $87 for that have a hole in the knee and look "vintage" - as in it looks like your grandpa wore them on the farm while tilling the cornfield back in the drought of '57.  He probably bought it at Ikea or Pottery Barn or something.

Mikey and his five o'clock shadow are interrupted by Single Dad Ben, who proceeds to talk about how much he misses his son and how he knows it's a big step starting a relationship with someone who is a parent...and asks her if she has any questions for him.  Seems like a logical thing to say, but Des is like "nope, I'm cool with it."  I'm not sure what she was supposed to ask...like did he want to know if she thought his son was going to call her "Mommy" or what.  He quickly changes the subject to kissing, using the cowboy hat he wore earlier as the reason he didn't make out with her earlier.  I'm sure it was the hat and not the 12 other dudes burning holes in his back with their judging eyes.

Michael the Miami Lawyer also has something on his mind...and it's respect.  Nobody disses his Nana on his watch!  He tells Des that he likes the guys, but he'll narc on them in a second if he thinks they're dissing Des.  Meanwhile 5 o'clock shadow Mikey is starting to feel like Ben is not a good guy.  He calls him over to tell him he's kind of miffed at the way he's going about things, and Ben responds with a "thanks for the heads up" but doesn't really apologize, instead complimenting Mikey on his shoes.  Mikey seems strangely distracted by this and smiles and claps him on the back like they're cool again.  Very weird.

 Also not cool with Ben is my pre-show favorite - Motorcycle Brandon.  Brandon's a bit of a whiny dude - he somehow thinks that because Ben is making out with Des that he's not there for the right reasons.  He's not going to miss his chance to make an impression on Des, so after sitting forlornly in the dark by himself he unloads his sob story about how his dad split and his mom was a drug addict and he raised his siblings instead of going to school and that's why he's not a millionaire.  Then he gets really weird and starts gushing "I just want to come home to you and love you...." wow.  Coming on a little strong here Brandon.  You're not doing yourself any favors.  In a strange twist, after coming on strong with Des, he tries to backtrack by saying that he is "falling in like" with Des way faster than he thought.  I used to fall in like with girls in line at 7-11, so I'm not sure how he's moving too fast on the "like" train.

Back in front of the entire group, Des announces that the rose is going to the guy who opened up to her and really used his one-on-one time to the fullest extent - Single Dad Ben!  He asked her if she had any questions about dating a parent, and then he made out with her.  Very efficient use of time.

Bryden gets our second solo date.  The guys razz him when she honks the horn for him, and then somebody makes the comment that "even though he wouldn't be driving, he wishes he was in the car." I can't tell if he is upset that he's not with Des or that he's not with the car.

The date is a road trip, and Des is excited to show Bryden California.  Bryden seems like a bit of a puppy dog, getting super excited about picking up SmartFood popcorn at the supermarket.  I get the sense that he didn't go on many dates back in Montana or when in Iraq on military duty.  He's super curious about everything.  The beach is awesome, the orange grove is "so cool," he's never had brie cheese in his life, and the spa "sounds perfect.!"  So he's a bit of a sheltered dude, I actually like the guy.  He doesn't seem to be full of himself or feel the need to establish dominance like some of the other guys Des has in her stable.  At dinner, Bryden gets to unload his sob story - He got in a bad car wreck and had 100 staples put in his head and shoulder.  You'd think that description would be enough to illustrate the point, but nope...he brought illustrations.  My favorite was the picture of him seemingly in a coma with a teddy bear.  He points out that his mom took that picture because she took care of him and nursed him back to health.  I love that he threw that in there....he's close with his mom because she didn't abandon him when he was in a life threatening car wreck.  This has taught him that life is short and you need to live it hour to hour or something.  He earns vital "life has taught him how to love" points from Desiree.

Des asks him about his future plans, and he starts talking about the past.  Clearly he doesn't have a good answer for this.  He starts talking about how he used the military as an excuse to not get close to people, and that he's not going to do that anymore.  Works for Des, she gives him the rose, commenting on how glad she is that he told her "his story."

Why does everyone have to have "a story?"  Are you not marriage material if you haven't had to overcome some sort of personal tragedy?  When I was ten years old, a friend of mine and her sister were killed by their mother before she turned the gun on herself.  It was sad and tragic and all that stuff, but do I think that it in any way affected my ability to love or shaped my outlook on life?  No, but if I were on the Bachelorette, I'd have to tell the girl that it did in order to show her that I was broken at one point in my life and now can accept love, which seems like a huge disservice to my friend and her sister.  Yet if I don't come forward with something like that, I get seen as a guy who "puts up walls" and isn't willing to "open up" about his past.  It's a crazy system.  Every guy should walk around with some sad piano music on an iPod for when he gets alone time.

Bryden then gets some quality hot tub time where he just keeps saying how "awesome" the date was.  Des clearly wants to be kissed and is sort of blown away that he's not picking up on the signals.  It probably has something to do with him looking at his hands in the water, but whatever.  Finally Des ends the madness by demanding he kiss her to which he says "I should?  I should just go for it?"  Good Lord he's sheltered.  However, he's not sheltered enough to not use an obscene amount of tongue on the kiss.  I get the feeling he practiced that kiss on a pillow once or twice....

Mercifully, it's time for the rose ceremony.  Michael needs to get something off his chest.  He has diabetes.  There!  It's out!  Phew, thank God he didn't hide that from her!  Before he can get too far into his story about how his blood sugar was 890, which means absolutely nothing to anyone who doesn't have diabetes, here comes Single Dad Ben again!

Ben gets his one on one time while the other guys talk about how much a douche he is.  Ben is a walking cliché, telling Des he just loves her smile and how he can't wait to see her again and blah blah blah.  He is also glad that he and Des share a secret: that only he knows how good of a kisser she is.  Jokes on him though - Brooks and Bryden also know, although I'm not sure that Bryden could tell much other than his tongue was definitely attacking something other than the back of his own teeth.

Miami Michael calls Ben aside to talk to him about his swooping problem, which basically is a bunch of lawyer speak.  He says "we're all here for Des and not to make friends, but you're not getting along with the guys like everyone else."  Can't have it both ways Michael.  He says he doesn't care if he makes friends with the other guys, yet gets angry at him for doing "unfriendly" things.  Mikey feels the need to inject himself in here, reiterating that "you got a rose, why don't you let my buddy here have a few moments with her?"  I'm confused, but then Ben offers the lame excuse that he didn't know he was interrupting a conversation and says "the other guys think I was being selfish, but I'm just doing what I need to do for me and Des."  Sounds pretty selfish to me man!

It was interesting to here the guys griping about how he hasn't brought his son up with them since the first night, yet has talked at length about his bar and his other business ventures.  RIGHT REASONS ALERT!

And now we're finally on to the rose ceremony.  Chris says that the drama that's already going down is "actually a good thing" because it shows how serious they are about this.  Translation:  "you guys are going to get people to watch this show with your bitchy tantrums."  I wish I could take pictures of these guys faces, because they all look like they're about to vomit.  Just awesome television.  They didn't even need any sound.  #RoseCeremonyFace!  Hashtagger gets a rose, despite not making a single Twitter reference the entire episode.  Also safe is Juan (Who? Juan.  Who Juan?  Juan Pablo!) Pablo, who also had a pretty uneventful episode.  Des did take the time to learn how to ask "will you accept this rose in Spanish though, so that's a good sign for ol' "Who Juan."  Not safe are Black Yoga Man, some scrawny dude who looks like Captain America BEFORE he gets the Super Soldier Serum named  Robert (who called his experience "a nightmare" and a completely forgettable fella named Nick who seems shocked that he's going home heartbroken.

On to next week, which features a lot of bro-drama and bad tank tops!  Can't wait!

Bachelorette: Week One - Good Luck, Des!

Welcome back everyone!  Des wastes no time in delivering our first overblown statement by saying "this is the ultimate risk" which I think is offensive to Indy Car Drivers, Base Jumpers, and pretty much anyone who has ever served in a combat scenario (had to work in a shout out to the armed forces on Memorial Day.  Respect.)  Let's follow Desiree's lead and get right to it, shall we?

First we get to recap how amazing her relationship was with Sean right up until he chose no less than THREE women over him her.  Chris gives her a tour of the Bachelorette Castle, which is on top of a mountain overlooking the entire world pretty much.  It's the kind of place that you'd expect some Eastern spiritual leader to live.  So Desiree is like a Tibetan monk, only the exact opposite.  She further illustrates the dichotomy between her Zen dwelling and everything else, by rollerblading in a bikini and touring Los Angeles in a Bentley.  Did other bachelor/ette's get their own personal convertible Bentley that matches their jewelry?  What makes her so special?  I really liked Des on the Bachelor, and my opinion of her is already changing.  Quick, bring out the guys so she can look better in my eyes by comparison!

Chris and Des have a little chat before the guys show up, and Chris is quick to plug the Bentley again, just in case we forgot.  Des then gets in about sixty-seven Disney references, amongst them "fairy-tale" "Cinderella" and "Prince Charming."  Des is ready to bring on the men.  She's looking forward to weeding out the men from the boys because "she wants a man."  She seems almost over-eager.  Whomever garners that first impression rose better have brought an extra pair of BVD's, because Des may rip the underpants right off  of that guy.

I love that she's crying just thinking about the possibility of falling in love with one of these 25 guys.  Yikes.  I'm not digging her high levels of emotion right now.  She reiterates that this is her "fairy tale."  Desiree's fairy tale involves making out with approximately a dozen men over a one month period.  Got it.  I thought the guys would be out two paragraphs ago...c'mon ABC let's get this show going!

Here we go....our first guy is from Montana, and his name is Bryden.  He's a military guy, and shoots big guns.  Is that sexy?  It's terrifying to me.  I love the guns and camo image they give him.  He's a man's man.  He even has a manly dog - a German Shepard.  Oh wait...the dog has a pink bow tied around its neck.  Nevermind.  Maybe the next guy is more of a man.

Nope.  He does Bikram yoga.  He giggles as he says "not a lot of black guys do yoga."  Really?  I hope a black guy kicks your butt for saying that.  I'm assuming he's talking about a metaphorical black man, because his blackness may be only skin deep.

There's a guy that does magic, another guy that loves his dog, a dental student.  He claims he's a renaissance man because he's been in the military and dental school.  So he's done two things...congrats bud.  Turns out he's also from England, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.  The next guy is a real Derek Downer, immedately going into his sob story about his dad leaving and his mom struggling with addiction.  He's ready to be in love with Desiree.  He hasn't even met her yet....but he's fully prepared to fall in love with her.  I guess this is similar to me in high school being fully prepared to fall in love with Lila McCann knowing only that she sang kick-ass songs about blackbirds, but I'd like to think I grew out of that stage by my early 20's.

Des is getting delivered to the mansion in a limo.  Where's the Bentley?  Actually, with the amount of booze that's about to be consumed at this social mixer, probably a good idea to leave the keys with Chris Harrison.  Time for some awkward introductions!

Drew and Brooks both kind of awkwardly work through their intros...nothing too special.  Brad shows that he watches the show, and references something she did on the Bachelor and breaks out a wishbone.  First prop is a decent one...not too over the top, but still fairly lame.  Michael the federal prosecutor tries to take it to the next level and crawls around in the fountain looking for her penny.  He's unsuccessful, much like that attempt to be cute.  Hashy Hashtaggerson steps out and hashtags her #perfectmarriagematerial.  I think I'll hashtag him #dontgetcomfortable and #lookingforwardtoyourexitinterview.  Will, the black yoga man, decides that Desiree isn't a good enough name to call her, and announces that he's going to refer to her as Athena.  I think it was supposed to be a nickname, but it came off bad.  The next guy rolls up with a note inviting her to a fantasy suite.  I was kinda digging the letter as funny until he went all fantasy suite on her.  She says she's "not that kind of girl" to which he looks....disappointed?  Not a good debut.

Shirtless guy gets out with a confused look on his face.  It was good, but then he immediately references Sean and asks her to rate his abs more or less.  Eh.  He's going to be received about as well as Kalon was when he showed up in a helicopter.  Creepy ER doctor tries to dance with her, but it doesn't go well at all.  Magic man, goes for a paper rose into a real rose.  Actually goes off better than expected.  One of the Zacks shows up wearing Chuck Taylor's with his suit, trying to show off his individuality.  In other words, he tried to show his individuality in the same way every guy wearing a suit tries to show individuality.  I'm classy AND casual!  At least he's dressed better than Diogo.

Poor, poor Diogo.  He goes for the literal "knight in shining armor" look, showing up in a full silver suit of metal.  Unfortunately, I don't think he enlisted ABC's help in getting a custom fit, because he looks like he took a dump in his aluminum pants.  He also looks a little in over his head.  We get the graphic that he's a ski resort manager, which explains a lot.  I worked at a ski resort in Colorado for a few summers, and it's such a unique, strange culture up there in the Rockies, it's not surprising that he doesn't fit in to his armor or social situations that don't involve chairlifts and fresh powder.

Chris the mortgage broker gets down on one knee and asks if he can tie his shoe.  Ugh.  Des lets him walk away before going stonefaced and deadpans "funny."  Chris will be back to denying people loans in no time.

Juan Pablo the Venezuelan soccer player is my all-time favorite.  I'm pretty sure he thinks his accent and his looks are going to get him an express ticket to the fantasy suite.  They have this conversation:

"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

They connect so well!

Brandon shows up on a bike motorcycle, and while it's a bold move, he actually pulls it off.  He might get my first impression rose....in a completely platonic way.  Some guy shows up in a ridiculous suit with the words "designed by this guy" on it.  Pass, Des.  Please pass.

We get our first dad on the show...and he brought his son with him.  I liked the move.  Get it out there right away, show who you are and what you're about right off the bat.  Des likes it too.  When the kid says "I wish I got to go to the party" it immediately reminded me of my own son, whose first question when he hears someone is getting married is "will there be dancing at the wedding?"  Chris Harrison then comes in and says "wow, these guys are pulling out all the stops for you Des!"  A kid is not "a stop" Chris.  Sheesh.  Let's get to the drinking and awkward conversations!  Who is this season's 50 Shades of Grey girl?

Hashtag guy says #iwantarose.  I say #everyonehateshim.  Using a hashtag in verbal speech can be funny when used sparingly.  But if it's you're "thing" you're going to piss a lot of people off.  Unfortunately it looks like it is most definitely his "thing."

Magic-man commandeers the room and acts like he's going to pull another magic trick, but in reality he's going to make Des "disappear" for five minutes.  This elicits groans from the crowd, but probably was a better move than making someone's card magically appear in their breast pocket.  My rule of thumb with Magic is that if you aren't on David Blaine's level, don't do magic.  It's just not that impressive.

The traditional "I'm just going to steal her for a second" ritual is going on, and the desperation is palpable.  The Daddy guy (I promise I'll learn their names by next week) pulls her aside to talk about his son, and how he's all about family.  Des asks the logical question: "Were you married?"  He says "no, it was more of a 'two friends have a kid together' situation, and she's my best friend.  He's got a great mom."  I'm not sure that you want to start off you first conversation with a girl you're hoping to marry with "I'm still super tight with my kid's mom," but Des likes his honesty and apparently loves a challenge, because he gets the first rose.

Once the rose seal is broken, stuff gets REAL.  All of sudden all the guys are gripping.  I don't think I have the correct words to illustrate how hilarious it is to see a guy without a shirt talk about how important it is to show Desiree how "serious" he is about the process.  He should've seriously considered putting his shirt back on then.  This brings me to a new segment in the blog I'd like to call:

Andy Lasselle's Advice for Bachelor/ette Contestants
It's important to make a positive first impression when you get out of the limo.  Back when I took Comm 111 at OSU in the spring of 1998, we had to give a speech about ourselves.  They told us to start with an attention grabber, something that will make people pay attention and remember you.  However, you can't let that thing define you.  My roommate panicked before his speech and decided to grab people's attention by kicking an empty two liter bottle around the room.  For the rest of the term, he was the bottle kicker.  If you show up without a shirt, then the rest of the night, you're the shirtless guy.  Don't be the shirtless guy.

Shirtless guy is already committed, so he loses the pants too and jumps into the pool.  Now he's the guy in the pool.  Hashtag guy shouts out #shrinkage, overplaying his hand yet again.  Neither of these guys stand a chance.  Des gives shirtless guy a rose anyways, which seems like more of a consolation prize so he doesn't feel like a complete moron more than anything else.

Juan Pablo proves that you can get away with pretty much anything if you speak with an accent and play a professional sport. Des calls him a dream of a man.  I'm going to repost their initial conversation just so you understand why average looking guys with average athletic talent have to resort to eHarmony.com and other dating websites to find a wife these days:


"Who?"
"Who?"
"Juan."
"Who Juan?"
"Juan Pablo."

Dream. Of. A. Man.

So he takes her out front to play soccer with her, and of course all the other guys want to join in.  Somehow shirtless guy ends up on the ground.  Of course he does.  He gets maybe two more weeks tops.

I'm actually pretty surprised that nobody's gotten so drunk that they have to be excused prior to the rose ceremony.  Drew may be the most awkward bachelor contestant ever.  He's the kind of guy who would giggle uncontrollably if someone mentioned the word "boobies."  He gets a rose for being nervous.  Pity roses always go first.

Larry the ER doctor is definitely no Dr. Doug Ross.  He's awful.  He does show a little self awareness by telling the other guys, he'd definitely be going home first if it wasn't for Fantasy Suite Guy.  Fantasy Suite Guy, meanwhile, has been doing pushups and talking about how he's going to kiss her "on the mouth."  He then completely disregards Andy's advice and brings up the fantasy suite again.  I'm not sure what's about to happen, but he's definitely the drunk one now.  Did he really just say something about his mom and his "love tank" in the same sentence?  I'm completely terrified for what's about to happen to Des.  Kasey the Hashtagger says he wonders if he's going to have to save her....#fantasysuitefail.  Kasey is awful.  Des, however, doesn't need #help, as she calmly and commandingly dismisses Fantasy Suite Guy.

Time for the ceremony....Motorcycle Brandon gets a rose - so my initial favorite is still in the running.  Chuck Taylor Zach gets a rose, as does Black Yoga Will.  Brooks (is he two people?  Why is he not just Brook?  Are there other names that end in s?  I need to do some research on this.)  Juan Pablo, Brad, #Kasey, James, Robert, Brian (I need to pay more attention because I know nothing about these guys), Dan, Chris (I still got nothing), get roses, and now there's only one left.  Another random dude gets the rose.  The magician's assistant, Dr. Not George Clooney, the Renaissance Man, Diogo the Knight in Poopy Armor, and Patches the Bad Suit Guy are left out in the cold.  Can't say I'm surprised by any of those dismissals.  ER guy is the first to leave, and sadly, I think he was much more calm and reserved once he came to grips with the fact that he had bombed spectacularly.  I actually felt bad for him when he left, because I think he was probably a better guy than he showed tonight.

Previews for the next seasons show a lot of conflict between the dudes, a girlfriend who looks like she's about 10-15 years older than anyone on the show, and James is established as the "guy who is only on the show to become the next Bachelor."  He's this season's Tierra - the person the other contestants decide to collectively hate with a passion.  There's also a very brief clip of someone getting full on punched in the face - something that looks straight out of a movie or something.  The first ten times I saw it, I thought "you know, it's surprising that there's never been an actual brawl on any season before.  Now I'm starting to think it's some sort of staged event, like they're filming a movie on one of the group dates or something.  ABC has turned me into the ultimate skeptic - I question everything now.