Poor Bachelorette. It keeps getting pushed further and further down my priorities list, falling behind NCAA baseball this week. I'm not particularly interested in Andi or any of these guys really, so this is going to be struggle the rest of the season. On deck tonight: Our requisite extreme sports date, Boyz II Men, and old people makeup.
LA dates are over, but Andi is super excited to be going to Santa Barbara. Budget must be getting lower....a whopping trip of 100 miles. Andi gets to stay all week, but the guys are bussing it up there? C'mon ABC. Ten million viewers and you can't splurge a little?
Up first is Nick V. They go for a bike ride, and play in the sand, but almost all of the conversation is voiceover work. Not much of them talking to each other. Apparently I'm not the only person picking up on this, because back at the house F1 bro Andrew is breaking down Nick's chances with Marcus. The chances he comes home are "50/50" according to them, and he's not "committed to the process." This is just a strange date with lots of small talk. Finally, they have a substantive conversation about - what else - the process. Nick deploys the standard "I just don't know where I stand" conversation, or the conversational version of George Strait's "Check Yes or No." Hilariously, as Nick starts talking about how he'd love to exit this date feeling like Andi could be the one, we get a shot of them hugging on a mountain and Andi saying "we could just be silent up here." In other words "don't talk dude, you'll ruin it." What a boring first segment. Nick, America wants to send you home.
Time for a romantic dinner at...a courthouse? Really? What is it with ABC and courthouses? Nothing screams romance like a courthouse. Everyone knows the most romantic weddings happen at courthouses, so why not dinners too? Andi is done messing around - she gives Nick the "why are you single?" question, which always strikes me as funny. Why is Andi single? Is she trying to say that Nick is out of her league? No, this is the ABC way of getting to the tragic backstory of how Nick broke up with his last girlfriend. Synopsis: He dated his high school girlfriend off and on for eight years, met someone else, got engaged to her way too fast because she was new, and they broke it off before tying the knot. Sounds pretty standard. Andi is impressed that he "talks about it" and is "more open." Again, this is not something that anyone should feel the need to keep secret. Nick's idea of a romantic relationship is "we could be dating other people, but we don't want to." Because nothing says romance like "Bitch don't step out of line, because I could find another you in a second." I kind of get what he's saying - I think I've brought up my "relationships are like steak dinners" correlation before: If you go to a restaurant that serves a good steak that you really like, it doesn't mean that there's not another restaurant anywhere that wouldn't serve a steak that you like just as much, or maybe even better. You just keep going to the same restaurant because it is delicious and makes you feel good and why risk eating a crappy steak somewhere else hoping to recreate what you already have? COMMIT TO THE STEAK. You'll be happier.
Anyways, Nick gets a rose.
Time for the group date - and the guys freak out at the sight of the limo's in the driveway. Riding in a limo was cool when I was in seventh grade. I'm not sure it has the same effect in your thirties. Andi is super excited to throw a curveball at the guys...with Boyz II Men singing. At least the three remaining members. Apparently one dude left due to back problems and became a terrible actor. He was set to rejoin the group in 2011 for a reunion album/tour, but talks broke down like his back, and that's that. People who were once a part of a group that left the group willingly and went on to better things: Justin Timberlake. That's it. You can say Lennon or McCartney, but really were they bigger as a solo act than they were as Beatles? No. Today's lesson is apparently "DON'T MESS WITH A GOOD THING.
Eric, who has a look on his face that looks like he may not fully know who Boyz II Men is, nonetheless says "I think I touched my first butt to I'll Make Love to You" in seventh grade. Yay Eric! Bradley has the look of "I'm going to try WAY TOO HARD to win this rose today. The guys are terrible singers. Not so shocking. Singing is hard. There's a reason we all have the music up so loud in the car when we sing along with the iPod...it's because we all don't want to hear our own voices. These dates are all about having fun and not caring that you look stupid, because no matter what you do, you're going to look stupid. Speaking of looking stupid, Bradley's doing the thing where he holds his hand over his ear to really "hear" himself sing. Maybe this is a thing singers do that actually helps, but it just looks like you're trying to hold in an imaginary earpiece. I always assumed that's what it was, and anyways I think it looks stupid when Mariah Carey does it, so when everyone else is present in the room and Bradley's off in a corner singing to himself, it looks extra dumb.
Surprise, they're singing at an actual concert! I love that they're wearing Boyz II Men style outfits from 1994. Not even Boyz II Men is wearing those. Also, why is the crowd more interested in getting video on their phones of the bachelors than the actual singers? Ridiculous. Bradley is working it....Eric actually does a decent job (he's good at EVERYTHING!!!) Other highlights include the Formula One Bros bro hugging while singing, and Andi saying "these guys are butchering the song but they think they are doing such a good job." Literally, nobody could think they were doing a good job. Holy hell that was terrible, but probably a lot of fun. I've done karaoke exactly three times in my life - I sang "Bust a Move" at my high school graduation all night party, I sang "Highwaymen" with my buddy Dave at this dive bar in Brookings, Oregon, and I sang "I Want it That Way" at our wedding reception in Wisconsin with my brother. Nobody ever clapped for me. Even at my own wedding. I'm that awful. I doubt I'll ever do it again. The one exception would be if my kids start getting a little too full of themselves and I see a good opportunity to embarrass the hell out of them.
Time for the post group date pool party....only it looks pretty cold, judging from Bradley's Brokeback Mountain style sheep's wool jacket. Andi decides she wants to mess with Cody by saying "some of the guys say he's got a girlfriend......and she's a STRIPPERRRRRRRRRR!" What a terrible prank. Her sense of comedic timing is terrible. She didn't let him twist nearly long enough. There needed to be a lot more of him stuttering and getting angry and whatnot. Instead all we got is Cody going "errrrrr......" Wheels turn slow in that meathead's brain.
Awkward moment of the night:
Marquel: What's your favorite color?
Andi: Is black a color?
Marquel: Duly noted!
Meanwhile the other guys are going way off the deep end now - lots of "she's flawless" and "you're the first girl in forever that I've been excited to see." This is in stark contrast to Single Andy Lasselle, who was excited to see EVERY GIRL. Josh gets a kiss, and grunts like he's lifting a refrigerator every time he comes up for air. It must work though, because he gets the rose. Marcus, who also got a kiss, is not happy at all. But he's not jealous, cause you know "what we have together is so much more than anything she has with the other guys." There's a whole lot of insecurity wrapped in that bravado, Marcus.
JJ's up next, and their date consists of dressing up like old people. Kind of odd that they're spending the first however many hours of their date are spent not seeing each other, but it probably forces them to actually talk to each other. Once dressed up, they head off to the park to "fool some people." I'm not sure how they're fooling people....their idea of how old people talk is awful. Apparently Andi is one breath away from dying and JJ just got punched in the nuts.
Meanwhile, back at the house....Smooth Ron drama! He's on a cell phone angrily shooing away the cameras, who respectfully keep filming him from further away. Classy, ABC. Given that Smooth Ron hasn't shown us much smoothness since his initial conversation with Andi, my theory is that Ron just isn't feeling Andi and wants off the show. However, since they're pushing this "Andi is the perfect woman that everyone wants" angle, they need to manufacture some drama to get him off the show.
JJ and Andi spend the rest of the day treating their date like an episode of Jackass, doing young people things while they look like old people. They're playing football! They're doing pushups! They're swinging on a tire swing!
Ron's far too smooth to risk not getting the girl on national TV, so they employ the "my friend died" excuse. I love that the guys feel bad for Ron because they know he wants to be there. Nevermind the dead close friend, such a bummer that you had to leave the Bachelorette!! The whole thing seems weird....if he really wanted to be there, he couldn't have at least told Andi goodbye? I'm not buying the story here.
Dylan needs to tell Andi his story. But first he's going to tell the guys and all of us: His sister OD'd on drugs, then his brother got more into drugs as a result of this and OD'd himself. Very sad. Doesn't make you more dateable. JJ got a rose, and he didn't need to drop a sob story on her to get it.
As the guys hem and haw about who gets a rose. Marquel says "everyone deserves a rose." Very youth sports of you, Marquel. Hope you brought Capri Sun for everyone too. Andi brings up the Ron situation, saying "I care for everyone here.... This is real life.... Everyone have a good night!" Interesting pep talk there Andi. Eric thanks Andi again for his first date then tries to very unsubtly figure out how the other dates have gone by saying "that was best date, right?" Before Andi has to maneuver that minefield, Nick V. orders up a delivery of a bouquet of flowers. Nice timing, Nick. Eric is not accustomed to being one-upped, and it shows. He's out of his depth now. Quick, where's a mountain to climb?
Andi is excited that the guys are bringing it and being thoughtful. Hate to break it to her that all guys are like that at first. You know why? Because there's an unlimited number of options of things you can do. The first gift I got Rachel was a soccer ball and tickets to the Women's World Cup semifinals. HOW DO I EVER TOP THAT?
Speaking of being thoughtful, apparently Formula One Bro Andrew snagged a girl's phone number at dinner last week, and it's up to Playboy Josh to get to the bottom of this. We get our first "for the right reasons" reference, but Andrew is having none of it. "I'm not going to engage in this with you guys" he huffs as he walks away. Not to be outdone, JJ and Josh follow him up the stairs, recapping the whole situation to him again as the poor camera guys struggle to keep up. Andrew is taking the fifth here.
I like that the guys gave him a chance to explain himself before they take it to Andi. Let's be honest here, Andrew probably didn't have a chance. Andi and Andrew? It's just too much. During this drama, Marcus steals off to get some kisses and give her a note. Andrew feels attacked because "he's a threat." Andrew, who has now crafted his story, says that some girl handed him his number and that's the end of the story. If that's the case, then he really doesn't have anything to apologize for. If some girl gave me her number out of the blue, I'd tell everyone about it, because that would be AWESOME. Would I do anything about it? Of course not, I love my wife. But everyone likes being desired. Then it breaks down into "who found out what when" and Josh goes Mike Gundy reference, bellowing "I'm a grown ass man." Andrew then shows a complete misunderstanding of how a dating show works, saying "I thought we were all in this together!"
Time for the roses....of course nobody lets Andi know what's going on, because it's probably a non-issue that they're trying to make sound bigger than it is. Andi gives the guys the "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" pep talk, and then hands out roses to Marcus, Brian, Marquel (black is her favorite color!), Tasos, Meathead Cody (again?), Patrick, Farmer Chris, Eric (his chance at love is not dead yet!), Dylan of the drug family, and Andrew the number getter. Gone are the opera singer who thought being able to sing a Boyz II Men song would make her fall in love with him, and then goes real melodramatic style, crying and sobbing "I just want to love and be loved," and Brett the hairstylist. Basically roses were given to Eric, Marcus, and a bunch of guys who don't really have a shot.
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