We're down to 13 guys, and we're in Connecticut. I actually like that the recent trend has been to travel around the lower 48 for a few weeks before heading out to Saint Tropez or something. Let's see some of the cool places in this country. However, Chris the Farmer leads us off by showing just how clueless most of America is about geography by saying "I've always wanted to travel to New England, it's like the Heartland, but on the east coast!" You know, but minus the farms and plains. This is a close second to whomever that girl was that told Juan Pablo that New Zealand reminded her of Ohio. Eesh.
First date is for Dylan, and they're taking a steam train. But rather than just taking the train, they're going to be driving it! Everyone into the engine car. Andi says "I hope Dylan's happy he got the date card, this is a BIG date!" He better be happy he's getting a date, Andi. You know, because he supposedly wants to marry you. The whole "hey I'm going to make you shovel coal" threat turned into Andi playfully tooting the horn.
As they cruise through Connecticut past people's houses and stuff, Andi just kind of stares out the window, while Dylan says "this is very New England" while he nervously strokes his own neck. These two aren't connecting so well. What will pick this up? Talking about failed past relationships! Dylan uses the "my ex is engaged now" story to segue into the "my brother is dead" story. Andi, who then goes into a whole "I can tell Dylan wants to burst out and tell me his story" monologue, somehow doesn't take the bait to follow up with the obvious "so what happened with your brother?" question. I recognize that this isn't normal first date banter, but he definitely brought it up, and you are basically speed dating, so it's seems pretty logical for her to inquire. I mean, it's not exactly like he beat around the bush when he asked "so what happened?" about her 3.5 year relationship.
This whole date sucks. They aren't talking to each other about the one thing they obviously both want to talk about. Back at the house, Josh has the unfortunate luck to be the last name written on the date card, so he has to play the bitter "but I wanted the one-on-one date!" guy. Dylan is still talking about how he's nervous, but "don't you worry, Andi, you'll see the real Dylan later!" Andi says "I can tell you're nervous, but maybe it's more than nerves." Ya think? He already mentioned his brother is dead.
Dylan goes into his story, but when he mentions that it's "just him and his mom," Andi says "yeah, you mentioned that." So why is it that when Dylan says that his sister passed, Andi just kind of nods. At this point, you know that both of his siblings are dead, and there's no look of anything other than "ok, continue...." on her face. Having two siblings OD is tragic. Yet somehow, Andi turns this around on herself, saying "it's a big honor for someone to open up to me of all people." YOU'RE DATING HIM!!!!
Then we hit a new low point in Bachelor History when Andi brags about how she "knew" there was a reason his guard was up, and she had to figure it out, and in turn Dylan brags about how "low" his guard is because he "just told her more than most of his friends know." If you're Dylan's friend, aren't you kind of pissed that he just opened up to a national TV audience before you...someone who, as a friend, probably said numerous times, "I'm here for you buddy, literally anything you need let me know." I'd be furious...but you know in that "I can't be that furious because you just went through something incredibly tragic and everyone copes differently so I'm unable to judge you" sort of way. They then have a conversation about how the rose isn't a pity rose, even though that's what it seems like. I'll let my friend Annie sum this is up, as she said it perfectly on facebook last night:
Annie Thomas My thoughts exactly re: this original question. I MUST REVEAL MY SOB STORY WITHOUT DELAY. Also don't give me a pity rose, but really, you know, do.
Group date time! It's time to for some WNBA action. Of course, some guy has to say "oh man she looks so hot!" which is, you know, incredibly offensive and will get you slapped either with a fist or a lawsuit if you said it in any other scenario that involved ten guys strolling towards a girl all by herself. Time for white guy trash talking! All of a sudden they start talking more mess than Payton, and talking like they grew up playing hoops at Rucker Park in Harlem. Cue Andi in a too large jersey mean mugging as she walks in with equally stone faced WNBA players. Now we find out if ten normal guys could beat five elite female athletes. The answer is, predictably, no. Let's switch this up and have the guys play each other? Coach Brian of course takes it way too seriously, drawing up plays, giving a "defense wins championships" speech. In the other locker room, Josh and the guys do the dorkiest locker room cheer ever: "Who are we? FIVE HEARTS!!!"
Andi is impressed by false bravado, turned on by guys being intense in competition. I can personally attest that this is most likely bullshit, because I don't think there's anything Rachel likes less about me than my hyper competitiveness on the basketball court. I can't remember how many times she'd come to a rec league basketball game of mine and roll her eyes as I shoved some guy who was invading my personal space or did some sort of primal scream after missing a shot I felt I should have made. Maybe women differ on thinking this trait is attractive....or maybe it's just that women dig that about guys they're trying to date, and once they have them, it becomes a bit tiresome. More likely, girls like guys who are good at stuff. If you're a really good fly fisher, or you're a really good singer, my guess is that girls are going to be drawn to that because of your talent. However, if you're a terrible golfer, but buy the Calloway X-Hot Driver for $400 and drag her out to the links every weekend to sit in the cart while you hack your way to 26 over par 98, she's probably not going to admire your passion for the game.
Patrick is excited that his team is winning, because then they'll be going on a date "just the five of us!" Really man? This is like being excited that there's only five people in your taxi instead of eleven. Sure, your face isn't smashed against the back window anymore, but you're still cramped and uncomfortable.
Brian is calling out defenses, moving guys around the court, and just basically destroying the competition. Andi is excited to share some time with the red team because "they were awesome." She's heartbroken that the white team got their asses kicked. Josh is pissed, and has the look of someone who may resort to blaming his teammates for the loss. Meanwhile, Tasos and Chris have the look of some guys who are just happy the game is over. They then try to cheer themselves up by saying "we played way harder than anyone on their team did." Well, "A for Effort" Guys! As we cut to the commercial, we're left with a hilarious shot of a dejected Josh lingering in the shadows of a women's basketball court that he just got his ass kicked on as we hear five grown man chant "Rosebuds" over and over again, celebrating beating five guys in a game of basketball that means they get to all five fawn over the same girl for a few more hours. I mean, has there ever been anything lamer than this? They popped champagne over a pickup game in an empty arena! Furthermore, it seems like there's six guys on this winning team. They had a sub! Of course they won. I call shenanigans.
Eric gets the first solo time. Andi says Eric is great, but their relationship has stalled. Eric acknowledges he's actually terrible at basketball. This is Andi's way of saying "dude I hate your stories, and I'm going to set you up to fail." Eric says "I'm frustrated that everything is so formal, but it is what it is." Andi, then says "well that's the way it is!" So let me get this straight: Eric says "this format isn't really me, but I'm making the best of it because I like you." Andi says "I understand that this isn't the ideal setting for you, but I'm holding that against you anyways." Well Eric, I'd say your doomed. Then, unbelievably, Andi chastises him for only telling her about his work and his travels.....WHICH IS THE ONE UNIQUE AND INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE GUY! "You never talk about your family!" she whines. Eric says "fine, I'm going to tell you about my family." He then talks about how he traveled around the country to see everyone! Way to go bud. He then reveals that he was raised Mormon, and then says that leaving his religion felt like leaving his family, but that it wasn't that big of a deal because his family loved him and they had a good relationship. Andi apparently got the answers she wanted, to the point that she feels their relationship has moved forward. You know, after they got to spend some time alone together, which is pretty much the only way any relationship moves forward.
Brian is still feeling the high of basketball victory, and needs to get back onto the court to be back in his element. Brian then says "I love scoring points, but seeing you in a jersey was the best." They then have that weird conversation where a girl tries to impress a guy by throwing out random sports terminology like "this is for the MVP" which is absurd because you can't win the MVP when you're the only one on the court. Like if you miss, who's the MVP? The rim? Rim's not a player! Ha ha, Andi! Of course he makes a half court shot, and Andi says "he didn't just make it, it swooshed right in!" Swooshed! Of course the fact that he swooshed it makes him infinitely more desirable to Andi and she must be kissed by this sexy half-court shot swoosher immediately!
Side note: We just had that whole #yesallwomen movement start up, bringing to the forefront of society that seedy side of gender relations where men feel women should be impressed by the fact that they are men and submit to them because of their prowess. It's a problem. What's also a problem is this woman Andi being held up to us by ABC as a woman whom men will literally compete to be next to essentially throwing herself at a guy because he can put a ball through a hoop from fifty feet. It's insane.
Andi is BEGGING for a kiss, and instead, Brian goes in for the bro hug. Well at least we know Brian does view her as a conquest. Good for you Brian....unfortunately Andi is looking for a take charge kind of guy. Nick is that guy, apparently. He's all over her. He's so into her that he can't even put his drink down while they kiss. So of course, the rose goes to....Brian? Let's break this down:
Brian: Good at Basketball, says she "looks hot in a jersey," made a half court shot, didn't kiss her, totally misread the situation
Nick: Repeatedly tells Andi how much he likes her. Kisses her, holds her hand. Andi says "he gets me. He sees all of me, of who I am."
Moral of the story: Guys that are good at sports get the girl. Yet somehow we're still surprised when an athlete has multiple children with multiple women, or is accused of sexual assault. It's because their whole lives, women like Andi keep reaffirming to them that women are turned on by the fact that they can dunk a basketball and look good in a tank top, to the point that they'll completely overlook a guy that, you know, cares about them to chase a jersey. AMERICA!!!!
On a more positive note, we're moving on to a one on one date where at least people act somewhat rationally. UNFORTUNATELY, we've made it to the extreme sports date of the season. I can't get over the fact that Marcus is keeping his scarf on to repel down a building. A SCARF!!!! We're talking about how intense this activity is, and this dude is wearing jeans and a scarf. Despite all the hand wringing before hand, Marcus calmly leans off the edge and says "oh this is easy!" Andi is not quite convinced, and will not step off the edge. Marcus says "I'm way more scared than you, I promise." LIES. He then says "Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, Andi, hon, Andi, Andi, Andi," until she finally realizes she's OK. They then go over the side, and Marcus asks her about her mother and they have one of the dumbest conversations ever about how bad her mom is at golf. Instantly, all of her fear is gone, and she's swinging around like a ninja to get a kiss. Also, they happen to be repelling right past the suite the guys are in. Marcus asks if they can kiss in front of the other guys, and Andi says "no." Juan Pablo just threw something at his TV and said "I would've totally kissed in front of them to make them jealous, but ESSSS OKAY!" Marcus and Andi are proud of each other, and couldn't have gotten through this without each other. I'm about to throw up my lunch.
Time for dinner, at the "oldest working inn in America." Marcus toasts their day together, calling something he was able to do while wearing a scarf and jeans the "toughest time in his life." Marcus asks to cover up the rose, which Andi seems to think means he doesn't realize what a catch he is. Marcus was dumped 3.5 years ago, and this is the first time he's been able to trust a woman since. Andi, a prosecutor, says she trusts people immediately. Maybe it's a good thing she quit her job. Talk talk talk...he gets a rose. They go to a concert and dance in front of a bunch of strangers who just want to see themselves on TV. ROMANCE. He says he's falling in love with her, Andi has the look of a drunk girl who really appreciates having a guy to prop herself against as she sways to the music.
As Andi sups her hot cocoa and ponders the upcoming rose ceremony, she's given a love letter from a secret admirer. Don't really understand the whole "secret admirer" idea. Tell someone you love them, but you don't want them to know who you are? It's like a gateway note to stalkerism. Plus, in a competition where you could be going home in a few hours and lose your window, it's not like after you've been cut you can say "but I wrote you that letter!" and get back on the show. Brian, who has a rose and is safe, says he's "confident" going into the rose ceremony. Well done buddy. Tasos, who tried so hard and yet was never even seen on the court, steals her away. Andi says she likes that he's doing something different or something, but then says that it's "on the guys to stand out, and it's not about the little things or the gimmicks, it's about them." I'm a little confused. Tasos is talking about being true to himself, just as Brian comes up to steal Andi away. Tasos, true to himself, says "no problem buddy!" and removes himself from the room. Brian takes her back to the basketball court, the only place he's apparently able to function, and finally gives her that kiss. I'm starting to wonder if he has to turn on Jock Jams and introduce himself by saying "AND NOW, AT COACH, , 5'11" FROM PENNSYLVANIA...BRIAN OSBOURNE!!!" before having relations with a lady in his bedroom.
Eric's up next, and he's apparently worked himself into a lather since their last conversation where she questioned him not opening up. Eric's grumpy, and he's going to let Andi know that, in fact, he is the open one.....she's the one not talking about herself! "I want to date a person, not a TV actress." Uh oh, you're in the Pablo Zone now buddy. Eric's about to get taken down. Eric's trying to be honest with her, and says she's got a "poker face" on. Eric tries to say "this is you being real" as she starts railing on her. Eric's point is that he feels she hasn't been comfortable, but Andi does not like her motives questioned. They go around and around in circles where Eric says "I see the real Andi when we're alone, and I see a different Andi when the other guys are around." Andi gives him the "you have no idea how hard this is to me to stay up so late and then have to send somebody home...." What I get from that is that Andi would really rather be sleeping than talking to some of these guys, which I think is Eric's point. Eric doesn't really seem to understand that it's a TV show and that she has to kind of pretend there's a relationship with some of these guys to an extent. They both agree that a relationship between the two of them isn't going to work, and then Andi yells at all the other guys about how offensive the "poker face" comment was. However, all I think about is this Lady Gaga and this:
Love your recaps! Keep em' coming! They always make me laugh.
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