A day late, but not a dollar short! Due to a visit from my sister-in-law and her family, this weeks Bachelor blog was a little postponed. It was hard last night to see that little light on the DVR light up and know that Juan Pablo was probably whoring his way through the final six, but what can you do?
We start with Juan Pablo making a surprise visit to see his daughter who he whistles to like Rue whistling to Katniss - slightly weird. Also, his daughter is only four? She looks older than my six year old. Oh, and she's got her ears pierced? JUDGMENTAL FATHER ALERT!!
The girls are put up in a penthouse and given skimpy bikini's to wear. If they didn't feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before....
He barges in on the girls with a goofy look on his face and gives a date card to Sharleen, who's back to first night jitters where she doesn't understand why he likes her. She goes to get ready while Claire tries to figure out why she's not doing internal cartwheels that Juan Pablo wants her for this date. She says she's missing some sort of intellectual connection as she pensively stares out over Miami from the balcony. If she needed another reason to not be excited about her date, how about the fact that the guy you're getting dressed up for is lounging casually on the couch with five other girls while you're putting on your face?
Time for a yacht date! He assumes the same casual pose he had with the other girls back at the hotel and then they make out and moan and don't really talk about anything. Sharleen says that he's "trouble" and Juan Pablo says "What? Why? I have not done anything!" Except moan and kiss her, JP. He's found that his lips are a good line of defense when it comes to confrontation. Hard to say anything that gets him into trouble if his mouth is busy smooching, right?
After some water frolicking and champagne, Sharleen finally gets a chance to say what she wants, and apparently she wants to give up opera singing to be a step-mommy. Or at least that's what she hints at. She gets all vague and says she's ready for change. Juan Pablo has heard enough - back in the water to make out with him you sexy opera singer you! She keeps talking about their chemistry, but it's pretty clear that it's physical only. Juan Pablo pays her a nice compliment - saying that she impresses him without trying to impress him - which of course leads to more and more and more kissing. Then they talk about kissing while kissing. Then she talks about kissing to the camera while we see pictures of them kissing. Finally they stop kissing, and Juan Pablo finally gets serious and asks her how she feels about him meeting her family. She pauses, and he presses her for more info. She says "I wish I was dumber" which to me sounds like a not so subtle dig at the other girls. Juan Pablo says she can tell him anything, but she just leans in for another kiss. Oddly, there's no mention of a rose, and yet she's back in the house talking to house mom Renee. At this point, Renee could really use her power and influence to gently push her out the door, but Renee just plays it right down the middle and lets Sharleen talk herself into a frenzy. I didn't think she was going to send herself home before watching this, because ABC has a tendency to make everything look like it's going in one direction before revealing that the situation was never really as dire as we all thought. However, seeing how she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family, I'd say that's a good sign this relationship is doomed. Even if she does stick around, and he ends up picking her, there's no way this relationship would make it to a wedding.
Up next is a date with Nikki! "Hola, someone is looking pretty today!" Juan Pablo croons. No indication if he's talking about Nikki or himself. The date.....is going to Camilla's dance recital! And, surprise! Camilla's mom is going to be there! This seems kinda serious - and also awesome. I've been hoping all season that Juan Pablo was going to present the girls to his daughter's mother. How is this going to go? This is the most excited I've been about a date in a long time....but of course first we have to see Sharleen get all mopey because....well because she's clearly realizing she thinks Juan Pablo has the brain of a Stegosaurus wrapped in a sexy body. He's like a bacon wrapped turd. Speaking of bacon-wrapped turds, that show down with the family was a total bust. There was hardly any interaction at all. BOOOOOO! I want to see EVERY SINGLE WORD that the mom and Nikki shared. And if we did see all their interaction, well then Juan Pablo learned nothing from this date and I would think he'd be pissed at his family for not even doing anything to help him make a decision.
Dinner time, and they're playing baseball. Nikki's wearing a "shirt" which really looks like a long piece of fabric strategically placed to make it safe for her to be shown on television. No wonder Juan Pablo is throwing her grounders and forcing her to bend down to pick up the ball. She tries to have a conversation with him, and he starts out by kissing her shoulder after every word he says. Juan Pablo says he's glad that Nikki "thinks" about if she wants to be a part of his life. Then they kiss on the pitchers mound. They kiss in the stands. They kiss on the concourse.
Back at the house, Sharleen has done enough thinking, and calls the girls together to let them know that she's going home. I love that she's having a hard time telling the girls, who all clearly want her to leave. Not one of them deep down wants her to stay, and yet they all put on their best pouty faces and give her hugs on her way out. The girls only concern seems to be that she might put a little bit of a damper on their Juan Pablo time.
Now she's off to throw a fastball at Juan Pablo's junk by telling him he will not be getting any more lip action from her. She then whispers her feelings to Juan Pablo, which seem to be "I'm totally into you and you are amazing and our time together is amazing, but I'm totally afraid of commitment so I'm going to leave." Juan Pablo's response is basically a very polite "ok!" Pretty easy to get dumped when you have five other gorgeous girls waiting for you, eh buddy? This reminds me of the time I was struggling to figure out how to tell a girl I dated in college that I no longer wanted to date her, and then she broke up with me before I got the chance. Inside, I was super relieved, but externally I tried my best to look somewhat bummed about what just happened. And really, I was a little bummed, because I tried not to make a practice of dating people I didn't really like. Clearly, both Juan Pablo and Sharleen are going to both be better off for this decision, so no need for tears.
Time for a seaplane trip to a secluded island to figure out who gets the guaranteed hometown. Up first is Chelsie, who is basically at 15 year old. Her mom is "awesome" and her "best friend." Her parents even wrote her notes on fluorescent stationery! Her mom gives her three bits of advice "have fun" "two drink maximum" and "keep your clothes on." Her dad says "don't do anything your mom tells you to." Dad basically says "make bad decisions and hope for the best, but if nothing else, you'll have a good story!" I'm now hoping that Chelsie stays around so we can see more of her family dynamic. Her parents sound like they're way into their daughter's business, which could make for some great TV.
Andi, who I think is Chelsie's biggest competition to go home after this date, uses her time to cry and wonder if all of this is going to be worth it and if she's really ready to have him meet her family when she's not promised a ring at the end of this. Not the best strategy, since the last girl to voice similar concerns just sent herself home and Juan Pablo didn't even seem to bat an eye. Oh sure, he mustered up a few tears for the camera, but in the moment, he was all too happy to pat her on the head, kiss her cheek, and say "vaya con dios!" as he ushers her to the door.
Claire is a moron. She thinks the rose means that Juan Pablo is sure of the girl, that he wants to meet her family. Wow...worked that out all by yourself, did ya? Juan says he wishes he could meet her dad, which of course opens her up to talk about the video, which apparently she knows is all about her dad telling her future husband how amazing she is, even though nobody has ever seen it. Interesting. Is there any way we as the viewing public don't get to see this video? I say no.
Andi gets the date and Claire is pissed. She rants about how he gave the rose to the girl who seems to be doubting herself the most, but then she says it's a trend - which is crap because a majority of date roses have gone to either herself or Nikki, two girls without any self doubt. Andi gets to stay on the island, and Claire has to hop back on the reject seaplane with Chelsie and Renee (who apparently had such an unmemorable "date" with Juan Pablo that ABC didn't need to show us any of it.) "Let's f*cking wrap this sh*t up and go home!" Claire fumes. Best line of the season. That just killed me. I'll say this for Claire - she wants to be Juan Pablo's wife. She wants to get her "besitos" and watch her dad's deathbed DVD and show off the rock and have a made for TV wedding more than all the other girls.
Andi gets to go to a concert with Juan Pablo, and according to her she's led up onto the middle of the stage to dance with Juan Pablo. Translation - we find a raised platform somewhere in the venue to dance while nobody pays a lick of attention to us. At least the music sounded catchy.
Claire's about to rage. She's clearly not happy about any of this - Nikki says it's funny how Chelsie is giggling, Renee is grinning, and Claire is checked out. Claire says "Andi got the date because she needed that reassurance" which doesn't sit well with Nikki, who just leaves. Claire's not having any of this. She goes to confront Nikki about why she left. Nikki says that she felt Claire was about to talk crap about Andi, so she left. Claire says "who was talking crap?" and Nikki says "nobody was, but I felt it was heading that way" and Claire says "who was talking crap?" as if she didn't hear a think Nikki said. They then agree that they don't like each other, and Nikki asks Claire to excuse herself from her room. Claire then goes into the idiot logic of "you didn't pay for this, so it's not yours....it's OURS." There is nothing worse than trying to argue with an idiot who thinks they are smart. They keep trying to hammer home one insignificant technicality because they think it proves your entire argument is invalid, as if every conversation is the OJ Simpson trial and you just tried the glove on that didn't fit. "Oh you agree that you didn't pay for this room, Nikki? THE DEFENSE RESTS! I HAVE NOTHING MORE FOR THIS PATHETIC JOKE OF A WITNESS, YOUR HONOR. It did lead to a fascinating goodbye, where Claire calls Nikki a "piece of work" and Nikki shoots back "and you're batsh*t crazy." A shame to think this is pretty much the last time they'll be together on this journey. At least we've got The Ladies Tell All special to look forward to, right?
Nikki is acting all "holier than thou" at the cocktail party, while Claire and Chelsie talk about how amazing it would be if she left. Renee, bless her heart, just sits there and keeps her mouth shut like the responsible, mature person she is. Chelsie then conveniently has to go pee and leaves Nikki and Claire sitting on the couch together to ignore each other in icy silence. Weather forecast calls for a chill coming through Miami tonight...cue distant train sound effects! One by one, the other girls filter back in, but it does nothing to improve the mood. Juan Pablo, oblivious idiot that he is, shows up and talks about what a great night this is. Chris mercifully shows up to break up the uncomfortable scene we're being subjected to. Juan Pablo gets up and tries to fake his way through how hard this decision is going to be for him, but he can't stop smiling and looking like he anxious for this night to be over so he can get back to making out with the four who are staying. He's so excited to get this rose ceremony over and dispatch a lady I'm surprised he didn't run to the deliberation room.
Time for the roses, and they go to Nikki, Claire, and Renee. Chelsie gets to go home to her note writing parents. I'm not surprised - I've thought all along the final four would be Sharleen, Nikki, Claire and Renee - but as the season's worn on, I've kind of been hoping he'd boot Renee for her own sake.
Chelsie gets walked out, and says "it's nice to finally date a good guy for once, ya know?" This just makes me sad. Are there really that many asshole guys out there? (don't answer that) Juan Pablo goes into his fake, post dumping malaise and weeps tears for Chelsie that he didn't let her see. Ugh.
Previewing next weeks two parter (wait, no women tell all?) - it appears that Andi's dad doesn't approve, Claire's less attractive older sister is a jealous bitch, and Juan Pablo does something unforgivable in the fantasy suite with Andi. My guess? He whispers one of the other girl's name in his sleep. Good job ABC - you gave me a reason to see this thing to the bitter end, even if I'm rooting for Renee to get dumped because she's the only person I still have even a small amount of respect for.
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