Seems like it's been more than week since we saw girls dressed up as dogs or naked signs, right? Let's get it going. The day starts off with Chris Harrison getting a very unenthusiastic welcome from the ladies. They wanted Juan Pabs. Might be the first time the universally adored Chris Harrison has not been warmly received by the house. He drops off the date card and it goes to Cassandra the "way too young to be a former" anything.
While she gets ready, Juan spends some time with his parents and his daughter. They have an adorable lunch, which I'm ninety percent sure was adorable because they were speaking spanish. Put it this way: If I had said "Juan tries to get his daughter to eat three bites of food, but she negotiates for only two" it doesn't sound very interesting. But throw in some "yo quieros" and a few "uno mas" and you've got incredible parenting from Juan Pablo. English sucks. I'm learning as many other languages as I can. They are all cooler.
The date starts with Juan driving into a lake....seriously. But this is no "Michael Scott" moment - he's driving some sort of hybrid car/boat. At first I was thinking it was like those duck boat things, but this is like some sort of jeep/jet ski. I imagine these things might come in handy in the drug smuggling business. Somebody tell Tony Montana to invest in a Panther fleet!
Back at the house, Renee has some one-on-one time with girl whose name escapes me. She tells her sob story - her mom died of melanoma and wrote a letter to get her daughter on The Bachelor - because that's every mother's dream. And I'm sorry if this sounds callous, but there's no way her mom was so sick from melanoma that she couldn't mail a letter. Something else is going on there. Maybe the mom wrote the letter but realized that she didn't want one of her last acts on Earth to be championing her daughter for a reality show, then after she was gone, the letter was found and sent. Maybe she never even wrote the letter, then after she was gone this story was fabricated. I don't know, but I don't buy the story.
Is there anyone who doesn't feel comfortable confiding in Renee? Does she want to move to North Albany to hang with my wife? She could probably use someone to talk to about my unhealthy obsession with this show.
Back on the date, Juan Pablo is teaching a dancer how to dance - amazingly they're good at this! One thing missing on this date.....conversation! There's not talking at all. The cynic in me says this is because she's dumb and Juan Pablo doesn't want to ruin the image here. They finally get into talking about their kids and JP says that he "knows that she's a single mom and the kid depends on her....." does he know this, or is it just assumed? If it is, it's probably hypocritical on Juan's part since I'm sure he'd bristle at the idea of someone saying that Camilla depended on his ex as if he wasn't part of the picture. No issues however, he offers her the rose and she giddily accepts.
Group date time, and it's time for all the girls to try to impress Juan Pablo with their soccer skills! Juan's playing with a few anonymous LA Galaxy players (what, was Landon Donovan busy?) and the girls are starry eyed. Of course one of the girls mentions the only thing most of them probably know about soccer "David Beckham used to play here!"
Sharleen continues her transformation from classy, elegant, opera singer, to perky, giggly girly-girl. Didn't see that one coming. Time for some 5 on 5 soccer while wearing sparkly gold sports bras! Sharleen takes some violent shots in the face and gut, but to her credit she laughs it off and keeps on playing. As far as group dates go, that was probably one of the best - no crying, no dramatics, nobody pouted because they weren't skilled at the activity, and weirdly enough, everyone got along. Of course, nobody's kissed him yet.....
After party time, and for once there's no rooftop pool! Nikki gets the first one-on-one time, and asks Juan Pablo what his biggest fear was coming on the show. Without hesitation, he says "hurting other people." Of course he wasn't concerned about himself getting hurt...he's Juan Pablo. He knows these aren't the only 27 women in the world interested in him. He'll land on his feet. Most people get the chance to date maybe 2 or 3 absolutely gorgeous people in their life. He's got ten times that, and he knows that's not even 10% of the gorgeous women he could date. Again, it's Juan Pablo's world, y'all.
Nikki decided against kissing Pabs, and now we'll get to see if that ends up being a mistake as I'm willing to bet the other 9 girls aren't going to be so coy.
Back at the house, Elise is convinced she's getting the solo date, but instead it goes to Chelsie, who doesn't know it yet, but she's just become Elise's nemesis.
Sharleen's one-on-one time is so vastly different from the first night it's hard to believe that this is the same girl. I'm also wondering if she's ever kissed anyone before because her mouth looked like one of those fish that latches onto the side of a fish tank to get the algae. What the hell was that? She sort of redeems herself on the second kiss, and the shot of her dress from the back makes me forget just about everything else (WOW). Andi and Sharleen both feel that their kiss warranted the rose, but no! It goes to the Nurse Nikki the Non-Kisser! Well played Nikki.
Of course, now everyone starts to wonder if their connection is as strong as they thought....funny in that they all praise Juan Pablo for being so thoughtful and considerate of everyone's feelings and then get mad when he spends time with the other girls. Elise seems like she backing off Chelsie when Juan Pablo comes in and apologizes to her in front of all the other girls for not taking her on a date this week, but once Chelsie's out of the house, she's trashing her as being "too young." Yes, those extra three years you have on her have really seasoned you, Elise. Clearly you're too mature to get catty and talk about people behind their backs....oh wait.
Chelsie's date involves eating a bunch of foreign food and then jumping off a bridge while strapped to Juan Pablo. Sounds like a good plan. Chelsie isn't handling the bungee jump well. She gets her drugs mixed up when she says "this is like the high dive on crack" - I would've opted for steroids. Then she says "on a scale of one to terrified, my terrified meter is off the charts." Do charts have scales? Or can scales be charted? I don't know, but her stomach is full of Venezuelan food and her brain is full of mush right now. She doesn't know if she's going to be able to do this. While we're in the commercial break, let me just predict what's going to happen.
Chelsie freaks out, Juan Pablo tells her to trust him, she comes close to crying, they jump, she screams, he laughs, she talks about how she can't believe they just jumped off a bridge, Juan Pablo talks about how proud he is of her for overcoming her fears, she talks about how she never would've been able to do it without Juan Pablo, and they both talk about how their relationship has gone to another level because of this shared experience. Also throw in some sort of "this jump symbolizes being on The Bachelor" and we're good to go.
Ok now we're back, and.....well I'll give myself an 85%. I didn't see her hesitating for as long as she did, and I can't believe I didn't see the "hanging off a bridge" kiss coming. Also dock myself points for the "this jump symbolizes being on the Bachelor" when I should've said "if we can jump off a bridge, we can get through anything together" comment. That was a horrible error on my part.
Time for dinner at Pasadena's City Hall. Chelsie calls it "the most romantic place" ever. Every city hall I've ever seen has been the exact opposite of romantic, but Pasadena's is a little bit of a step up. City Hall - the official location of second marriages - is now the most romantic place in the world.
Elise is still railing on Chelsie's lack of age and experience. Kat tells her Chelsie is 25 or 26, (she's 24 according to the on screen graphics) and Elise has to sheepishly admit that she's "only" 27. Chelsie doesn't help herself look older in the eyes of viewers at dinner as she talks about how kids are "so funny" and just basically acts like a twelve year old. Of course, Juan Pablo acts like a 15 year old most of the time, so just roll with it. She gets a rose (has anyone ever not received a rose on a bungee date?)
We've got a few minutes left on this date...just enough time for a private concert! At least I've heard of Billy Currington. While the song is catchy, their dancing is atrocious, and I'm just ready for this date to be over. Just before we go, Juan Pablo calls her "wife material" and "a keeper." Really? Based on the fact that she's giddy about EVERYTHING?
Juan Pablo decides to surprise the girls with breakfast, and Kelly and Lauren are SO EMBARRASSED that JP might see them without makeup on. Kelly, in fact, says that her grandma told her to "never let a man see you without your face on" so she hides it from JP as she walks on by. HOWEVER she has no problem talking to a camera in that exact same look. Crazy, right?
Renee, on the other hand, rolls into the kitchen and is all "sweet, he's making breakfast!" That right there ladies and gentlemen is the difference between your 20's and your 30's.
Juan decides that instead of having a cocktail party, they should have a pool party instead. With his accent however, it sounds like he says "how about we have a poopatay instead?" and I think it took the girls a few seconds to comprehend what he said. High five for language barriers!
Chicken fights in the pool apparently mean you're trying too hard. Nobody seems to think that Renee is trying to hard despite her being out there chicken fighting. I"m not faulting Kat at all here. I'm sensing a bit of a rift forming between girls who like swimming at pool parties and girls who would rather not get wet. Sharleen reverts back to first night Sharleen and acts like she's above the Bachelor fray. Not so above it though that she can't cry a little, check to see if the other girls are watching, and then steal a kiss from Mr. Galavais. Well played, Opera Singer.
Claire's seen enough, and decides to go shut herself in a bathroom to pout until Juan comes to tell her it's ok and make out with her. Instead, she gets her turn with Mother Renee. Does her "Mommy Sense" start tingling every time one of the girls starts feeling insecure? I love that she tells Renee all the things she should be telling Juan Pablo, and yet because of the setting, nobody is willing to show weakness for fear of being cut loose in favor of the umpteen other gorgeous girls. Finally she gets to Juan Pablo and spends her one on one time telling Juan Pablo how jealous she is all the while adamantly denying that she's jealous. He says "I'm sorry you didn't get a date this week" and she says "it's ok." If it was ok, why did you just cry your ass off in the bathroom and then complain to him for five minutes about how much it bothered you? That crap wouldn't fly with me....although I've never been in that situation with a smoking hot girl in a bikini either.
Why do they keep showing us shots of the "live" wedding of Catherine and Sean? How can we be seeing the guests already if it's live? Are those stock shots of JP and Ashley's wedding? I need to know these things?
Back to the rose ceremony and Juan Pablo says this is the best day yet because he got to see them in pajamas, bikinis, AND evening dresses! Totally pig-headed and misogynistic thing to say, and yet they all think it's cute and funny. JP's world, y'all!
Andi, Renee, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alison??, Claire, Lauren, Kelly, and Danielle get roses, in addition to Nikki, Chelsea and Cassandra, who already had roses. Gone are Christy (who?) and Lucy the free spirit. Christy feels she's gone because she didn't open up. Lucy, the happy go lucky free spirit, isn't really going with the flow right now. She's a little bummed, but at least she remembered to take her shoes off to maintain her hippie persona.
And it looks like we're done with L.A, and as we all know, once we leave L.A., we also leave any sense of sanity as well. Everyone is a man-stealing she-bitch from hear on out, and don't you forget it!
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