We start with the JPMM - Juan Pablo Make-out Montage and then the tears start flowing. The Latin Lover will be breaking hearts left and right apparently. Then we get JP talking his life over a series of shots of him making ridiculous faces during photo shoots. Seriously, does he ever smile normally, or is it always a sarcastic look? Oh yes, and he has a daughter. Camilla is the center of his universe. Make sure you remember that....it'll come up about sixty six thousand times in the next few months.
I think the accent is going to serve him well. He can be a complete idiot and say things like "I'm the first Latin bachelor...I speak the language of loooooove" and everyone will think it's adorable. A guy from Boise, Idaho says that and he looks like a fool. Do people in other countries find American accents appealing? I doubt it....we don't even find the way we talk ourselves appealing, so why would they?
First commercial break, and ABC is now leaving a "bachelor will return" border around the commercials? Seriously? Seems kind of irrelevant in this day and age, where everyone's TV tells them what show is on when they switch the channel, but whatever. Pay those bills, ABC. I will give them credit for also showing the logo of the company whose commercial is airing, many commercials these days don't make it easy to identify the product being advertised just by watching.
We're back, and oh goody it's Sean. Juan says "who else was I going to call?" How about ANYONE ELSE? We get a bunch of buzz-words from Sean - "this will be a journey" "when that first limo rolls up, then it'll get REAL." Juan wants to call it an adventure rather than a journey. Not exactly a big leap, but at least it's different. Sean's sage advice is to not kiss a girl in front of the other girls. Solid advice...but I can imagine ABC is already plotting ways for some of the girls to "accidentally" stumble across an encounter.
Sean also says that Catherine wasn't even on his radar for the first month....isn't the taping only about six weeks? Crazy. He then tells what may very well be a bullshit story about his dog getting sprayed by a skunk at 2 am and that making him realize he's in love with Catherine. I guess I shouldn't say that, because just about everyone has an "aha" moment where they realize that their significant other is THE ONE, and it's usually some completely mundane thing that happens to just about every couple. It's just that usually I would assume that moment before the engagement. It's an early reminder to suspend your version of reality when you're watching the Bachelor.
Interesting that Juan Pablo has seemingly given his daughter more airtime already than Emily's daughter got her whole season. Not sure what it means, but just an observation.
Let's get a look at the ladies!
First up is Chelsie, the 24 year old Science Educator (don't most people call this a teacher?) who apparently likes soccer. She then hides in some weeds and thinks learning bad Spanish will help her impress Juan Pablo (it probably won't.)
Renee, the real estate agent evidently likes long walks on the beach as we see her walking at both sunrise and sunset, in bikinis, in dresses, on rollerblades, with her son, with her son and birds.....pretty much any scenario you can envision someone walking on the beach, she did it. Good thing Juan Pablo lives in Miami!
Andi, the federal prosecutor, was one of my preseason favorites, but she's already annoying me with her staged courtroom scene. It took me all of 15 seconds to flip on my favorites. She just seems like she's acting about EVERYTHING. She can't even put on her sunglasses in a manner that you can't tell she's on camera.
I missed the masseuse's name, but that's ok because she's pretty much awful.
NIkki, the pediatric nurse, seems awesome. Seems like a normal person (so far.) She can take Andi's place in my preseason favorites.
Lauren is a mineral coordinator. What the hell is that? I'm not a big fan of how they try to sexy up everyone's job title. She was dumped by her fiancé over the phone. Bummer for her.
Valerie is a personal trainer... of goats? She's shoots arrows and isn't afraid to scratch out eyeballs. Terrifying. Watch out for her.
Lacy the elderly care girl has a crazy life. 9 special needs siblings and running elderly care facilities? NO wonder she's single....how's she have time to date? Good luck to her.
Claire the hairdresser is part Mexican. Good for her? I'm not sure why that's relevant. Her dad died though (sad) and she's looking for a man to replace him. Still weirded out by the whole "I want to date a man like my dad" thing...she was one of my other preseason favorites. Not the most impressive impression.
Chris is here, and he surprises Juan - there's two additional ladies added to the talent pool! Why? Are they people we're familiar with? What's the point of only adding two? I don't get it.
Casandra the "former NBA dancer" is unemployed because she's an idiot. She just kind of stares at Juan Pablo for a while. Ugh.
Seems like more than a few girls are going with the "I can speak a little Spanish!" routine, but not Lucy the Free Spirit....she's barefoot and looks like she's just champing at the bit to take some psychedelic drugs and dance naked around a fire. She can leave whenever she wants.
Chelsie the science educator makes a really bad chemistry pun, and I'm not really on board with her. Some other girl is from Forty Fort, PA - kind of like I'm from Porty Port, Oregon.
I'm convinced everyone will hate Valerie by the end of the night, and Ashley the 25 year old has a voice like a 40 year old 1960's prostitute, but the big cliffhanger is.....a pregnant girl in the limo! She's making such a show of how hard it is to get out of the limo, this has got to be a joke.
....and it is! Claire went for the "I'm going to scare the shit out of you" impression. Better than the Masseuse (her name is Amy) and her "i'm here for you because it's you" line. I'm not even sure what that means. Some super southern girl gives him a fishing hook, Lacy the Champion of the Underpriviledged gives him some drugs (just kidding they're Red Hots!), and Sharleen the Candian Opera Singer from Germany seems very different from your usual Bachelor competitors. I'll be interested to see how she gels with the other girls.
Andi comes in last, and Juan Pablo seems to be digging her. I'll admit she was much more likable in that encounter than in her little intro video. Time for a little interaction! Let's get the drinks flowing and the judgmental bitching rolling!
Amy the weather girl has HUGE FACIAL FEATURES. Her eyes and her mouth seem to take up her whole face. She thinks he's way better looking in person. Another girl goes all valley girl and says "Ohmigosh I'm gonna die he's so cute." Juan comes in and makes a lot of jokes and the girls love it, and then all of a sudden a wedding reception breaks out. Photo booths and some music...Juan Pablo is ready to shake up this show.
Nikki gets the first on screen one on one time, and she makes a really good impression - on me at least. I like her. Renee and Juan Pablo bond over the fact that they're "single parents." They call each other Mami and Papi....ugh. My favorite part of their conversation is that Juan has a huge lipstick smudge on his check the whole conversation.
Juan thinks Lacy is a "happy camper." I think she's a few logs short of a campfire. Still better than Amy the masseuse, though...she's insane. She loves his socks, and thinks he's beautiful and that they probably have a lot in common. What that is, I'm not sure, since she seems to be enjoying the massage more than Juan Pablo. If she doesn't go home tonight, she's this season's ABC mandated "the crazier you are the longer we'll make Juan Pablo keep you so viewers will turn in to see what whacked out thing you do this week."
First impression rose is out, and the girls are starting to freak out. Maggie the Southern Stereotype says the rose "is not just a rose it's her future." Good times. Elise believes in love at first sight with JP...obviously he didn't feel the same, because he couldn't remember her name. Bad sign for her chances. The girls that aren't as outgoing are starting to panic because they haven't got their time, which may bring out some panicky craziness. It looks like Lauren - the girl with the great life but sucky love life - might be our woman! She's crying and asking the other girls how to get time with him. Now she's hyperventilating and talking about how she's always positive and confident except for this situation..you know where you have to have those two qualities. She's doing a great job of pouring her heart out to the other girls...a move that won't get her anywhere. If one of the other girls drags her over to Juan Pablo and says "you need to talk to her" I'm going to flip out. She reminds me of that one awkward girl in the sorority that all the sisters look out for and try to find some guy to take pity on her at a party. In their minds, they're being "good sisters" looking out for her, but in reality they just want someone else to listen to her craziness so they can make bedroom eyes at they guy at the beer pong table. Of course the guy that finally relents will make out with her and then not call her, which starts the cycle all over again.
Lauren's only a few months out of a broken engagement.....she clearly shouldn't be here. ABC really took advantage of this girl. Shame on them, but then again, it's going to make for good tv for us, so shame on me too?
Southern girl giggles that her first time on an airplane was coming out to see Juan Pablo...she's SO SOUTHERN! Andi seems to be right up JP's alley, and Sharleen keeps reinforcing that she's different in a good way...opera singer from Canada and all. Sharleen really tickles JP's fancy, so much so that he gives her the first impression rose. She doesn't seem very enthusiastic about the whole deal. He likes that she's different, but I think she's probably looking for someone who's EXACTLY like her. I love how confident he is that she's being quiet and awkward because she's nervous, and it never enters his mind that she might not be interested in him. The other girls are pissed that he wasted the rose on a girl who doesn't appreciate it. She was going to have enough trouble fitting in before this. She could be our candidate for this season's girl who excuses herself from the competition.
Time for the rose ceremony already? Sometimes I feel like it takes forever to get to this point in an episode, but tonight I feel like it got here too soon. I hope that continues as the season rolls on.
Safe are Claire the Part-Mexican Pregnancy-Faker, Nikki the Nurse (my new favorite), Renee the Beach-Walking Mami, Andi the Camera-Conscious Prosecutor, Alli the girl I don't remember seeing tonight, Chantal the girl in a blue dress who also happens to be african american, Some girl with her dog, Lauren the Piano Player, Cassandra the Idiot NBA Dancer (formerly), Emile the Random Girl, Chelsie the Bubbly Science Educator, Kat (not Kylie the redhead who REALLY wants a rose), Victoria the unremarkable, Christy the Impossibly Blonde, Lucy the Free Spirit (boy that really pissed off a few girls.) Elise (who will now believe her own love at first sight nonsense), and Amy (the weather girl with large facial features).
Gone are Maggie the Southern, Ashley the 1960's prostitute, Amy the Psycho Masseuse, Kylie the Attempted Rose Usurper, Lauren the recently engaged, and a few other girls that weren't worth the goodbye screen time. Surprised that Valerie is gone...she seemed like an obvious villain for the season. Also surprised Lacy the Elderly Care girl is gone. She seemed like a good bet for the "she's just too nice to not give a rose to" girl of the season.
Season's just heating up...and looking at the scenes from upcoming episodes, our impossibly adorable bachelor is going to drive these ladies to unprecedented levels of craziness!
Juan Pablo is already driving me crazy! Check out my video recap of episode 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3lOiNtpPlA
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