Bachelor Week 6: The One Where Everyone Lies

Let's get right into this mess - Kelsey's sobbing on the floor and the girls are just sitting there completely unconcerned.  They look like they just saw someone drop a tray of their food in a restaurant - it's somewhat amusing, but also pretty annoying.  Is Kelsey making jokes about brownies?  Who makes jokes during a panic attack?  If she can make jokes, she doesn't need oxygen. Through the oxygen mask, she says she feels better, but needs to talk to Chris.  "I'm going to get a rose for sure," she says slyly, as her breath fogs up the inside of the oxygen mask.  Naturally, being the "good" guy Chris is, he comes to her, and I love how ABC leaves the medical equipment out for someone else to trip over and have a real medical emergency.  She's back, telling the girls about her harrowing journey to the bathroom, LAUGHING about how she was saying the most delirious things while she was on the floor.  This is a woman bragging about how she became so emotionally overcome that she fainted and started talking about brownies, as if any of the other women will find any of this funny.  KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, Kelsey.  I don't call my dad to discuss the Bachelor.

Chris then apologizes to the girls for canceling the cocktail party, because he's a spineless jellyfish.  He won't apologize to them for making out with other girls in front of them, but he's got to apologize for denying them more booze.  Ashley is having her own mini-meltdown, explaining how her sad story is going to be the fact that her story isn't sad or something, but then she gets the rose.  Kelsey gets the last rose, and Samantha gets sent home for never talking and McKenzie gets sent home because of course she's a mom and he just HAD to send her home to her kid because it's not fair to her and blah blah blah.  I feel bad, because McKenzie never really had a chance.  He kept her around this long because she was fun and he obviously liked her on some level, but realistically he never intended to bring a child with a child to his farm.  That's just a recipe for disaster.  Either her kid or her would've got their hand caught in a harvester or something within a few months.

Wheels up!  We're flying off to Deadwood, South Dakota on our tour of the least populated places in the United States.  Next, a tour of the hollers of Northern Kentucky!  Chris feels like a badass walking down the streets of Deadwood, mostly because he's the only person on the street, similar to how I feel like a badass walking into my daughter's preschool.  "I'm like four feet taller than you little punks, don't step to me!"  Kelsey and Britt have a conversation where Kelsey says that she's "earned" the one-on-one date, and that she's so glad that she's gotten her story off her chest, because now she "won't have to be the widow" on the date.  Ironically, you wouldn't have been the widow on the date if you hadn't told him either, because nobody assumes that someone in their twenties is a widow.  Nobody goes "I'll bet her husband died."  Or how I asked a girl in my dorm when her mom was going to show up for mom's weekend and she replies "my mom passed away when I was 14."  Never crossed my mind that someone my age would have a deceased parent, even though it's one of those things that happens.  You just don't assume people have a tragic backstory - or maybe you do if you're on the Bachelor.  Maybe every one-on-one date should just start with the Bachelor pouring a big glass of wine and saying "alright, so what's wrong with you?  Let's get this out of the way."

Becca the well-adjusted virgin gets the solo date, and of course Chris says she "looks smokin' hot on that horse."  Horses aren't sexy.  C'mon Chris.

The girls finally call Kelsey on her whack behavior, and Kelsey does her best to explain that she was so nervous and upset that she should be excused for her actions.  The girls continue to call her on her stuff, and she says in her confessional that she "gets it."  She uses big words that the girls don't understand, and that makes them nervous.  She then refers to the death of her spouse as some "bullshit" she had to get through.   I'm done with this girl.  I hope her in-laws are banging on her door right now demanding an explanation for why she thinks that the death of their son was a plot twist in her love story with a farmer who has the emotional warmth of a potato.  I just don't get how you couldn't comprehend that the words coming out of your mouth are insulting and offensive to a majority of the public.

Becca and Chris have their date, and we don't hear much of what they're saying, because it's probably boring as hell.  However, we do get hear a lot of Chris giggles.  When they finally get into what their five year plans are - it turns out neither of them really have one.  Lots of "you know, married with kids and stuff," which is something single people say as if you can map out when and where you'll be when you meet the person you love.  That's a great way to talk yourself into marrying someone you probably shouldn't marry.

Group date card shows up, and the significant part isn't who is on the card, but who isn't.  Emotionally Selfish Widow vs. Emotionally Selfish Virgin Slut.  Can I just fast forward to that part?  I don't need to see the rest of this junk.  Becca's still on her date somehow, and makes a good point that nobody wants their dad to see them kiss.  Probably should've thought about that before you went on a TV show, Toots.  At first, I thought she was going to punk out with just a tiny peck on the lips, but Chris isn't about to take that as the final act of this date.  He does the face hover thing until she forgets all about her dad watching and begins to suck face like an old school vet.  You go, Becca.  Worry about your disapproving dad later.

Group date time!  Chris tells the ladies that "country music is a big part of my life" which, I just don't even know what to say.  Look who's here to teach the ladies how to sing!  It's a couple of dudes who are in their fifties who finally got put out to pasture by ESPN College Game Day, but as a parting gift they get put on ESPN's sister station ABC for one night to try and get a few extra iTunes downloads.  Actually, only one of these guys is fifty (Big Kenny), but he looks old enough to drag the average age of the group up to sixty.  Jade is really stressed out about this...she is not confident at all.  So, in order to feel confident, she runs down the street with a washed up country rocker saying "I'm in Deadwood!" and now she's a song writing savant or something.  She's filling up the pages of her little songbook, until she sees Chris and Britt sucking face and now she needs to take another lap down a deserted street in a city with a population comparable to my high school.  Hopefully she ends up writing a "Before He Cheats" style song that involves her waiting for Chris to come back from his date with Britt with a shotgun.  That'd be fun.

What will not be fun is listening to these girls.  I will give Chris a bit of props for getting out there and singing first.  The real star of this singing thing is the diminutive banjo player with the Willie Nelson vibe.  Britt goes next and I was about to say she was terrible, but she is saved by Whitney, who we should've known would be the worst.  Her voice is tough to listen to when she talks, but I hoped it'd be one of those things like where British singers lose their accents, but nope, she's just as nasally.  Carley goes next, and pulls Chris up on stage.  This is her version of the Jillian running through mud date.  She says "I didn't see anyone else, it was just one of those moments."  Maybe because Chris and his humongous head are so close to you that he's blocking out your entire field of vision?  Jade, the girl who has told us for the last fifteen minutes how nervous she is, of course has to follow the professional singer.  She's SO nervous and knows it's going to go SO badly, but she's able to dig deep and channel her feelings for Chris through the microphone and survive the one minute song she wrote.  Probably will complete the redemption story by garnering a rose.

Two on one time yet?  Not quite - but we are teased with Kelsey trying to make Ashley feel stupid by pretending she can describe the Badlands and why Deadwood is not the Badlands.  Good luck.  Wikipedia describes Badlands this way:

Badlands are a type of dry terrain where softer sedimentary rocks and clay-rich soils have been extensively eroded by wind and water.^[1] They are characterized by steep slopes, minimal vegetation, lack of a substantial regolith, and high drainage density.^[2] They can resemble malpaís, a terrain of volcanic rock. Canyons, ravines, gullies, hoodoos and other such geological forms are common in badlands. They are often difficult to navigate by foot. Badlands often have a spectacular color display that alternates from dark black/blue coal stria to bright clays to red scoria.

Kudos to anyone who actually knew that.  I feel like a fairly knowledgable guy, but if you asked me to describe Badlands, I would've said "you know, sort of a prairie desert thing with tumbleweeds and prairie dogs."  Probably if you've actually been to the National Park, you'd know - but how many people have actually been to Badlands?  My good friend Wikipedia says that over 800,000 visited in 2011.  For comparison's sake - 1.6 million people visited the Oregon Zoo, which is known for having peacocks that attacked children.  For zoo comparison, that's about half the visitors the San Diego Zoo sees annually.  So yeah, it sounds like a big number, but you've probably only been there if your dad was tired of driving on your family's summer vacation and needed an excuse to stretch his legs between Denver and Chicago.

Sorry, back to the group date.  Britt has somehow garnered the special alone time of tonight's group date, and she somehow seems surprised that they end up a Big and Rich concert.  Hilarity ensues when Big and Rich sing on stage while nobody is looking at them because they're staring a dorky farm guy making out with a girl who hasn't showered in six weeks.  Britt gets the rose (she stole that shit from Jade) and then they dance on stage to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.  Chris is trying to sing along with the words, but gets them completely wrong.

Also awful, is that Chris and Britt walk back in and Chris says "so I gave Britt the rose, see y'all tomorrow!"  I mean, I get that it's awkward, but if you wanted to smooth things over with the girls, at least stick around for half an hour or so and let the girls vent to you.  Take one on the chin bud.  Poor Britt instead is left to say "sorry girls, I just went to a concert with him." Like really, all he had to say is that "I had a great time, but I could only take one girl to the concert, and Britt was that girl tonight."  I think they'd all have still been upset, but maybe they wouldn't have felt embarrassed.  Or maybe you invite them all to the concert? You can still pull Britt up on stage and give her the rose.  However, that doesn't make for as many unstable, weepy girls.

Finally, it's time for the main event.  Bottom line, I hope Chris pulls a fast one and leaves them both on top of Mount Rushmore as he departs in the helicopter alone.  Chris says "it's going to be awkward" because he can't envision two more different girls being on this date, pretty much confirming that the people on the dates aren't chosen by the Bachelor himself.  Anyways, their 2 on 1 date is a bed on some carpets in the middle of some flags that were borrowed from the corners of the local AYSO field.  In an even weirder twist, when it's time for Chris to have time with just one of the girls, they take blanket the size of our bathtub mat and chat on the other side of a dirt hill.  This makes no sense to me.  Ashley uses her one on one time to tell Chris how awful Kelsey is.  Chris seems to take what she says to heart, saying "the person I want to be my wife is going to be comfortable in group situations."  Kelsey uses her time to....I shit you not.....explain that she's prepared to be a wife because she's been one.  I'm speechless.  Her qualifications for being the love of his life is that she was the love of someone else's life.  Chris, being the idiotic idiot that he is, thinks it'd be a good idea to tell Kelsey that Ashley said she's fake.  Way to go buddy.  Incredibly, Chris then sends Kelsey back to sit on the romantic bed without him.  Kelsey says that she doesn't appreciate what Ashley did, but that she still respects her.  Ashley gets up and leaves, at which time Kelsey says - very respectfully - that Ashley needs to go play dress up and that she's not even near Kelsey's level. Ok then, glad we got that straight.

Ashley, logically, wants to know why Chris ratted her out.  Chris, who apparently was watching the little haboob of emotional anger he stirred up with some binoculars from a dust hill.  Chris stammers over his words for a while, then says "I couldn't lie" as if he didn't rat her out immediately and wilted under intense cross examination from Prosecutor Kelsey.  This was not A Few Good Men.  However, since turnabout's fair play, he narcs on Kelsey, telling Ashley "she said it was a difference of maturity."  Chris then ends this awful display of how to be respectful to people by telling Ashley he's letting her go because he doesn't think she'd be happy in Iowa.  Never asks her what's she thinks, just tells her what he thinks she thinks.  Kelsey tries to eat the grin that comes over her face, but fails.  The girls back at the hotel room get to see a PA grab Ashley's bag, and they are not happy.  Chris, the world's most oblivious man, tells Kelsey "I don't know if you knew this, but I just sent Ashley home."    In a hilarious move, Kelsey apologizes to Chris for having to go through that and hugs him.  And then....YES YES YES YES......he send Kelsey home because he's just not that into her either.  And he's leaving them both out in the BADLANDS!  Brilliant!  The girls are treated to Kelsey's bag getting unceremoniously yanked away, and then the party starts.  The girls break out the champagne and start dancing on the couches.  Kelsey again tells us how "immeasurably blessed" she is, which I guess would be a good lesson for us all to realize that even at our worst, being alive and American is truly a blessing, but you know we're supposed to think she's talking about how lucky she is to have a dead husband AND get dumped on national television!  She's a SURVIVOR.

Tune in next week, when Chris says - and I kid you not - that he didn't know that Kelsey would go confront Ashley.  Keep selling that shit, Pinocchio.

Bachelor Week 5 - My Husband Died, Top that!

Are y'all ready for the season to explode?  I have no clue what that means, but apparently it involves a "mystery" woman and Kelsey having some sort of mental/physical breakdown.

We're off to Santa Fe, which Chris tells us is the perfect place to fall in love.  The girls are not geography majors...Megan says that she's excited to spend time at the "beach resort" and wear sombreros, because she's never been out of the country.  Carley and Whitney apparently had some advance warning that this season would be heading to Santa Fe, because they packed their woven Native American garb.

Apparently the Indian dress worked, because Carley gets the one on one date.  The date card says "Carley, let's come together....."

I'll let you make the joke, because it's just too easy.

Carley and Chris head to an abandoned house....which I learned in Breaking Bad is probably a bad thing to enter in New Mexico.  Not to fear, there's a witch doctor lady named Tziporah meditating by an infinity pool in the backyard.  Tziporah!  I love the juxtaposition of this lady who apparently studies ancient mystic love arts, yet lives in a hypermodern house with an infinity pool and an electric outdoor grill.  But hey, she's wearing feather earrings, so she must be authentic right?  I'll bet her real name is Tina.  What a quack.

Unfortunately the rain drives them indoors.  Tina burns some sage and tells them to fell their nervous energy, then has them sit back to back and moan.  This segues into Tina telling them that sexuality and spirituality are not mutually exlusive. and then tells Carley to blindfold Chris and then goes full on into directing them in low-budget scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.  "Touch him like you haven't ever touched a body before." Tina's really getting into this, and now she wants do a "disrobing" which symbolizes them removing their walls and the tension between them.  Tina is super creepy, and I honestly feel terrible for Chris and Carley.

When it comes time to take the pants off, Carley and Chris call a time-out, and Tina says "Why don't we keep the pants on and talk?"  BRILLIANT FIRST DATE ADVICE!  Unfreakingbelievably, Chris and Carley seem to think that somehow having a horny senior citizen direct them in a Showtime After Dark movie has made them come closer together.  I'm dumbfounded - Tina then has Carley sit on his lap and breathe all over his face.  Hope he's immunized, because I bet those cruise ships she sings on are just little measles colonies.

Back at the ranch, Kelsey is telling people about her husband dying - she's like "he just collapsed and died.  It's called congestive heart failure, and that's life!"  The girls are creeped out about how nonchalant Kelsey's being about the whole thing, and frankly so am I.  I am more animated and upset when telling people about the time I waited in line for thirty minutes at Baskin Robbins on "Free Scoop Day" and then bumped into somebody in the parking lot and my free scoop fell on the asphalt. That happened 13 years ago, and I'm still bitter.  Her husband died less than two years ago.  But hey, that's life!

Of course, Kelsey doesn't wrangle the one-on-one date, and in her mind this is due to the fact that these fake whores she's living with are throwing themselves at her beloved Chris who she hasn't spent more than a few hours with in the past five weeks.  Methinks we're about to see a reprise of pouty Kelsey from the camping trip last week.  Can I get another outdoor date please?

Back from the break, and we get to see the thrilling conclusion of their date, where Carley talks about how awful the date was, but Chris' uncomfortableness and squeezing of her hand carried her through the date.  The both agree that softcore porn was more of a date seven experience, which.....man I'm a prude.  Carley then tells Chris that her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her, which is strange.  Even stranger is why she would stay with him.  The no touching thing usually doesn't come until like year 15 of the marriage, right?  Carley goes on to say that closeness and intimacy is what she fears the most, because it could be taken away from her.  Yes, because going back to a cruise ship with a bunch of octogenarians sounds like a much better idea.

Chris goes on to say that he's insecure because Iowa sucks.  Seriously, he blames all his shortcomings and faults in this process on the fact that he's afraid someone is going to get to Iowa and be so disgusted that they will dump him.  HOW BAD IS IOWA?  They apparently have reached some common ground on how uncomfortable they were stripping for Tina and how they both hate themselves deep down or something.  Carley gets the rose.

Group date time!  The them of this date is "rapidly falling in love" so yeah, it's an outdoor date!  Woo hoo for pouty Kelsey!  Megan apparently thinks that the Rio Grande is the River Hades or something, full of alligators and dead bodies.  Then the "river guide" pops up to tell them every single worst case scenario, as if they're sending them some class 5 rapids or something.  Jade fell into the water, which apparently is a problem because she goes into hypothermia at "normal temperatures."  Fortunately Chris is ready to rub her feet, which annoys Kelsey to no end.  She needs to yell about how nobody's going to rub her feet because she's fine.  First off, I'm sure if you asked for a foot rub, you'd get it.  Second, you're clearly not fine, because your eyes are getting wider by the second and the words that are coming out of your mouth are starting to make you sound like a murderer.  Also, apparently McKenzie likes to get her butt rubbed.  Because of course she does.

Time for the after rafter party, and Whitney brilliantly says "time is the most important thing in this process, because if you don't get time, you can't start a relationship."  Thanks Whitney.  But wait....mystery girl is here.  It's Jordan the drunk twerker from week 2 that was obsessed with Jillian's butt.  In fairness, ABC seemed obsessed with her butt too.  Jordan says "I'm not going to bother you, I just wanted to talk to you."  That would be bothering him, Jordan.  He's got prior engagements, lady.  Chris says that the Jordan he saw a few weeks ago is not the same girl he sees before him here.  Incredibly, Chris makes the completely illogical decision to walk her into the group of ladies arm-in-arm.  Essentially Jordan just took a ride on the Reading and passed go to collect her $200.  Now we're  to the point where all the girls get to say "apparently Chris isn't sure about any of us, so he's rethinking everything."

Ashley I is either wearing a very short dress or a very long shirt and no pants.  While she explains why Jordan is not the right girl for her, the rest of the girls get to grill Jordan.  Whitney tells her "I'm really happy to see you...." as she looks anywhere but at Jordan.  The rest of the girls let Chris know how disappointed they are in his decision, which is blatantly a "stir the pot" option.  I'll be very, very surprised if Jordan is still around next week.  Ashley decides that it's time to be a mean girl and yell at Jordan.  Ashley's trying to rally the girls to sharpen their pitchforks, but nobody's really joining her lynch mob, which of course makes her angrier.  My guess is Kelsey is secretly picturing Jordan's head on the end of her pitchfork, but she does a better job of hiding her true murderous intentions.

Britt is the only remaining girl, so it's obvious she's getting the last date card, but of course it's a 'sky's the limit' date, and Britt immediately breaks into tears because she's so scared of heights.  This means a lot of crying and talking about how terrified she is before she either jumps and praises Chris for giving her the strength to overcome her fears or that Chris tells her it's ok to back out and she praises him for not pressuring her into doing something that made her uncomfortable.

Chris has come back to his senses and is sending Jordan home.  I'm pretty convinced that Jordan is only back here because she was the only girl that had been kicked off that was within comfortable driving distance of Santa Fe.  Seriously, how'd she even know they were in Santa Fe?  Who's the leak?

Becca has a lot of respect for Chris because he sent home the girl he'd already sent home.  Never mind the part where he dragged a retread back into the fray and paraded her around in front of them like a dog at the Westminster Kennel Club...he is a REAL MAN.  The real man goes on to talk about how he's excited about his potential with Whitney in front of everyone else and gives her the rose.  Chris then says "well this was fun" and then leaves.  Does this ever happen?  Where Chris drops off the rose and then skedaddles to let the girls fight it out?

Ashley I continues her rage against every girl that's not McKenzie, calling Whitney fake.  This from the virgin who acts slutty while wearing hair extensions and aspiring to look like either Jasmine or Cinderella or Kim Kardashian...basically anyone except herself.  She better thank her lucky genie lap belly ring that she's still around, because I bet her time is coming to an end.

Chris breaks into the girls room to wake Britt up for their date, which I'm pretty sure is going to be a hot air balloon ride.  Chris is amazed that Britt looks the same at 4:30 am as she does when she's all dolled up for a rose ceremony, which, you know, is because she wears makeup to bed.  Doesn't that get all over her pillow?  Then they get ready with all the quiet gracefulness that your college roommate and his girlfriend had when they stumbled home from the bar drunk to make out while loudly shushing each other and saying "you'll wake him up!" in their outdoor voices.

Turns out it is a hot air ballon ride and, wouldn't you know it, Britt feels so safe in Chris' arms.  How the girl with a fear of heights so intense that she cries when a card has the word "air" on it is ok standing in a floating wicker basket is beyond me.  Back at the hotel, Britt and Chris are chilling in his room, while the girls sit around a talk smack about Britt.  Ashley randomly throws out that she doesn't want to have kids and that she loves being single.  Why is it that the cameras never catch these "shocking" confessions?  Carley is having trouble being the last girl to have a one on one date and then getting shushed, while Britt and Chris have a fully clothed roll in the sheets.

Time for the rose ceremony, and Kelsey is really frustrated.  How is this girl a guidance counselor?  I hope to god she loses her job because of this show.  She's determined to tell Chris about her past.  Kelsey makes sure to tell Chris that the other girls don't know she's there.  Kelsey's dead husband was apparently named Sanderson Poe, which I want to make fun of, but he's dead, so Sanderson Poe gets a pass.  I will make fun of him...nevermore.  Kelsey on the other hand, then tells the cameras that her story is amazing.  Tragic, but amazing.  She loves being a widow.  Clearly the best time to share a first kiss is right after you tell people how happy you are that your husband died.  Sanderson, buddy, you don't deserve this.  Also, the chances that she's a murderer just went up.  A husband that died under unusual circumstances?  A grieving widow that isn't so much grieving as she is basking in the glow of appearing to be a grieving widow?  Hmmm....

The girls are all freaking out....except for Whitney, Britt and Carley of course.  Well, they're at least pretending to be tense.  Kelsey, on the other hand, is joking around and smiling ear to ear.  She played the dead husband card, and she doesn't think anything can trump that.  Brilliantly, Chris leads off his time with the girls by spilling Kelsey's beans and letting the other girls know that he talked to her, then he freaks and leaves the girls to grill Kelsey.  Harrison, who has been stealing money from ABC this season, appears for his twelve seconds of airtime by saying "you alright Chris?  What happened in there?"

The girls get to talk to Kelsey who lays out the improbable scenario that she was going to tell the girls at the cocktail party that she spent time with Chris.  We're supposed to believe that she was going to clink her champagne flute and announce that she snuck off to Chris' room?  She then says that "every day is a gift" and that she's "sad that she has to say goodbye to people."  But oh no, not because she's going home, because she's confident she's staying.  As if she knows who's going home and who isn't.  She's all of a sudden morphed into that annoying person that feels that because of her life experiences she's somehow superior to everyone else.  I didn't see that coming.

Chris is still wandering around outside the hotel lobby looking at constellations or something.  He sends Harrison in to lower the boom that nobody's getting any one-on-one time because Chris has his mind made up.  ABC is playing these girls like fiddles.  They start talking about how important one-on-one time is, and ABC yanks it.  Now the girls somehow seem to think that Chris is looking for someone with a sad story to marry.  Silly girls.  He's not here looking for someone to make him cry.  He's looking for someone with a great rack who thinks he's the greatest person in the world.

Suddenly, Kelsey on the ground by the drinking fountains having a panic attack.  Fortunately, there's a paramedic with a full medical kit on hand who just happens to be getting a drink of water AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.   Come the hell on, ABC.  Between Megan pretending not to know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico, and Kelsey going from super confident to sobbing so hard that she needs medical attention in five minutes, you're really putting the "fake" in reality TV.  Even I can't suspend my reality that far.

To be continued.....

Bachelor Week 4 - Virgin Territory

Took a one week hiatus - just wasn't feeling it last week.  It was MLK day, and after spending the day having fun with my kids, I wasn't really in the blogging mood.  I did watch, so here's a quick rundown of my thoughts:

• Jimmy Kimmel really wanted to have sex with those girls!
• Kaitlyn's been so funny and off the wall this season, I didn't realize she had a fantastic body until week 3.  That might be a first on the Bachelor.  Also - who still wears crop tops?  Are those still a thing for women?
• Apparently America is still not ready for Jillian's jelly.  Her body really is too bootylicious for us. (And let's be honest: any chance to listen to Destiny's Child is worth it, right?)
• Chris may be a good guy, but he's a terrible liar.  The whole time they were at that wedding they "crashed," I kept expecting him to just start crying and yell "I can't take it anymore!  We're not supposed to be here!" At least his future wife won't have to worry about him lying to her about hooking up with the runner-up.  She'll know right away.
• With Ashley not going psychotic during the daytime farm challenge date, I think it's safe to say her bizarre behavior is related to her drinking alcohol (or a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs).  Some people get happy, some get angry....Ashley worships onions and thinks she's in:

• Let the above video be Exhibit A as to why all dates should start at 11:00pm at the earliest

Alright, let's get this week going!

Harrison starts things off by telling the ladies that Chris' sisters will be picking who gets the one-on-one date.  I'm not sure why, but the girls seem super excited about this.  I suppose that whomever they pick will feel like she's already been accepted into the family and therefore have Alpha status over the rest of the pack.  However, I think it's more likely that the sisters say "well, I suppose we have to pick one, and this girl is the one we least want to kill right now."

Date time, and the card says "let's do what feels natural."  Now everyone's playing "The Imitation Game" trying to decode what Chris means, as if he writes these things himself.  I find it so amusing that these girls seem to actually think that if they wear makeup on the date, that may be the deciding factor in him keeping them around, as if anyone's has ever been kicked off for misinterpreting a date card.  However, Mesa Verde is still around, so who knows what this dude's criteria are for a spouse.

The girls take off in a couple classic cars with Chris.  Ashley Kardashian says that "driving is one of the sexiest things a guy can do." Nice to know that I'm at my peak sexy on my way to work every morning.  Chris is excited to see how the girls react to being in nature.  Really, this looks like the pool party they had last week only with a larger pool and less clothing, as Kardashian takes her top off and Kaitlyn removes her bottoms.  Honesty, Intelligence, Humor, and Public Nudity are the pillars of any healthy marriage, duh!

Back at the house, the sisters have shown up.  Jillian and her blacked out booty are sleeping out in the sun while the girls get to know the sisters.  This censorship bar is starting to get on my nerves.  Whitney gets the first time with the sisters, and I love that they have notes.  At least someone is taking this farce seriously.  Britt is up next, and she's intimidated that there's three of them.  Is she complaining that it's unfair that he has three sisters?  That's kind of one of those variables you can't control, sweetie.  I also love that when the girls are asked about living in Iowa, none of them say much about it, more "well if you love someone, you'll go anywhere" as if Iowa is the last exit on the highway to Hell.  

Back on the group date, Chris tells the girls he's having a great time at the lake with the girls in their swimming suits.  Kelsey on the other hand is not having a great time.  In her defense, when's the last time a group of people over the age of 10 played Red Rover?  That is STUPID.  Tough luck for you, Toots - you're CAMPING!  Yet again, Chris gets to put on more clothing while the girls are forced to pitch tents in bikini's - something no normal person does.  In a the least shocking turn of events ever, Ashley Kardashian and McKenzie the Teen Mom who believes in aliens have trouble putting up a tent.  Other things those two probably have trouble doing:  Using the popcorn button on a microwave,   opening doors that include a lock AND a deadbolt, sinks that have separate knobs for the hot and cold water, and telling time on a clock that isn't digital.  

Key moment from the sister interviews:  Cruise ship Carly starts crying when they ask how she is "in relationships."  Bottom line, she's never had a guy treat her nicely and she doesn't have the love that her grandparents had.  I think it's probably a bad idea to tell the people deciding your dating fate that you're a terrible judge of character and date guys that treat you terribly.  Then again, she's trapped on a cruise ship, so her options are probably pretty damn limited.

Jade snags the coveted sister's pick solo-date, which is a royal ball from 8 to midnight.  "It's like Cinderella!" Britt coos, as if she's just solved the evil troll's riddle and now gets to cross the bridge.  However, I'm willing to bet this is EXACTLY what it's like - because there's a new Disney Cinderella movie coming out soon.  We all think of Disney as this wonderful company that makes movies for kids and runs a theme park, but we forget they also OWN OUR SOULS.  You don't think unless the mouse tells you what to think first.  We're all slaves to Mickey:

As the camping date wears on, the alcohol starts to take it's inevitable toll on Ashley, transforming her from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Mesa Verde.  She's singing crazy songs that nobody's ever heard and expecting people to join in, and Kelsey the pouty widow is trying to turn on the charm with Chris, laughing like there's no tomorrow.  Actually, if she keeps laughing like that, there probably is no tomorrow for her.  Can you imagine hearing that laugh every day for the rest of your life?  I've never been a fan of writing a person off because of one negative trait - I wouldn't stop dating someone just because they were messy or just because they liked pickles or because they sang the wrong words to a song everyone knows the words to - but that laugh would just grind on me like a stone on a knife, until I eventually used that knife to end someone's life.  Maybe my own, maybe hers....but that laugh would be an accessory to murder.  

Ashley uses her one on one time to ramble about the moon and tell him how much she loves him and peck him on the lips and tell him to "let that resonate in your mind."  Fantastic.  She's the best.  

Close runner up is Ashley Kardashian who calls this the "craziest night of her life" and then tells Chris that it's "so hard for her to like a guy" but that Chris makes her feel like she has a unibrow and that somehow means she has to inhale his lips and then pause and say "Like seriously, you don't even know."  Shockingly, she doesn't get the rose she so desires (it goes to Kaitlyn) and Ashley seems to think that this means that Chris thinks she's a slut.  

So to prove how unslutty she is, she crawls into his tent at night to tell him she's a nerd and "inexperienced in every way" as she continues to stare into his eyes and, of course, suck face with him as she tells us all that she's "not a hook-up girl."  

Side note:  I can't wait for the episode where two girls sneak out of their rooms/tents/whatever to "surprise" the Bachelor as he's sleeping at the same exact time.  I picture them meeting at the door and playing dumb with each other like they don't know why the other one is there, then calling each other sluts for trying to sneak some extra booty time with the Bachelor.  After God knows how many seasons of watching this show, I feel like I'm entitled to produce/direct at least one episode, right?

Now with everyone back at the house, Ashley Kardashian finds out that she's not getting to be the princess, and she is PISSED.  How dare they not pick her for this date?  Meanwhile, props to ABC for doing all the interviews with Jade while she has absolutely no makeup and looks as plain and ordinary as possible so that the "transformation" once it's over will make her look incredible.  Also, SURPRISE!  Here's the clips from the new Cinderella movie that inspired the look she's wearing tonight!  SHOCKER.

Time for the date, and Chris is nervously practicing his ballroom dancing.  Jade shows up and says "Chris is there smiling at me, and I had....like....permasmile all the way down the stairs!  Permanent smiles only last for a flight of stairs.  Apparently I need to update my personal definition of permanence.  Chris and Jade bond over their own respective failed engagements and shared midwesternness.  Chris then says the words every girl wants to hear on a date - "My sisters knocked it out of the park. Like FOR REALS."  This is totally like a fairy tale!  Everyone remembers that scene where Prince Charming leans over and says "damn Cinda-relly, you are totes amazing!"  Then we get to watch them dance while watching movie Cinderella dancing and an orchestra plays.  Alas, midnight is fast approaching, and our princess has to run away.  Will she leave a shoe on the steps?  Nope...there's a pre-placed shoe for her to run past.  Also, call me crazy, but it seems like he's way more into her than she is into him.  Perhaps that's just because she's a normal person and not a psychotic virgin skank or a teen mom or a cruise ship singer that hasn't seen a man her age since the SS Desperation shoved off six months ago, but I'm not getting the vibe that she's head over heels for this guy - not that I blame her.  She seems fairly grounded despite being a model.  She launched her own cosmetics line, which at least shows she's got a good head on her shoulders.

Group date #2 involves six girls in wedding dresses and a "let's get dirty" date card.  Jillian is like that girl in first grade that always wears a football jersey and pouts when her mom makes her wear a skirt for Easter service.  Chris thinks that the girls think that they're going to be doing something romantic, clearly forgetting the "let's get dirty" date card that he (allegedly) wrote for them.  Nope...they're going to something called Muckfest MS - which is a sort of Tough Mudder race for charity.  Whitney, who I was giving the benefit of the doubt as being one of the few smart girls on the show (along with Katilyn and Jade) thinks that "muck" is a combination of mud and smuck, despite not knowing what "smuck" is.  

Remember when Carly bested Jillian in the farm Olympics?  Apparently, that was the equivalent of Western Oregon beating Oregon State, because Carly tapped out super early on this challenge.  She does win quote of the episode when she says "she quit at the big balls, because then she was just offended."  Maybe she's the third smart girl?  Jillian predictably dominates and thinks she's won, but it's really Becca who wins the date, as Chris spends most of the time on the course walking with her. 

And now a quick list that I think sums up this episode:

Things that will win you a rose:

• Having a sense of humor
• Eye contact
• Confidence
• Letting Chris talk about himself
• Not being a skank

Thinks the girls THINK will win you a rose:

• Taking your top off
• Being a virgin
• Laughing hysterically at everything he says
• Drinking milk straight from the goat
• Running really fast
• Talking about yourself constantly and explaining why you're so awesome

Jillian somehow avoided the booty censorship bar on her date, but then spends the entire date talking about herself.  Chris says he's thinking about unicorns (why?) and then Jillian asks him if he'd rather have sex with a homeless woman or abstain from sex for five years (hilariously mixed in with her saying "so far it's going really well."  Chris then grabs the rose and tells her she's beautiful, and then of course tells her he's not giving her the rose.  She of course is devastated and all that confidence that she had while asking him how bad he wants to have sex with the crazy bird lady from Home Alone 2 is gone and she's crying and talking about how nervous she's been all night.  Adios, Jillian.  I'll miss your rectangular black ass more than you know.

No Chris, you can't have sex with me.  You kissed Ashley Kardashian....I will not be some virgin whore's sloppy seconds.

Back at the house for the cocktail party, and now that Jillian's gone the girls know that Chris is serious about finding his wife.  Time to ratchet up the crazy.  Megan's first to board the crazy train, talking about how she wants Chris to know that she's here for him only and then forgetting what she's talking about, and then pulling a blindfold out of her cleavage and feeding him fruit and saying that he can only use three of his five senses despite only hindering his sight.  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?  I have absolutely no clue how she thought that would let him learn anything about her other than that she watched some movie where people had sex on a kitchen floor in front of an open refrigerator.  

Challenger #2 for the crazy belt is Ashley Kardashian who still needs to clarify that she is in fact a virgin.  Incredibly, it seems she's taking the advice of a girl who was impregnated as a teenager that Chris will find her more attractive because of this.  Incredibly, it looks like she may be right, as Chris tells her he is really impressed by her virginity and that he totally respects it.  However, at no point has Ashley ever implied that this was her CHOICE.  She's played more of the "sex just is something that hasn't happened for me because I'm a big dork that has some sort of comedic mishap every time sexy time is about to happen."  Despite her telling him, and him saying he respects it, she then flips out because he didn't make out with her instantly.  I wonder why not?  Maybe because you just told him he was getting the wrong impression of you and you wanted him to know that you're not a sex crazed hook-up girl?  

As her downward spiral of Chris being virginity aware, McKenzie takes it upon herself drag her in front of the rest of the girls like it's some sort of narcotics anonymous meeting and say "this is my friend Ashley, and she's a virgin.  She's dealing with it as best she can, and she just really needs your support."  

Enter Becca, who is the EXACT OPPOSITE of Ashley.  She's the Harvey Dent to Ashley's Two-Face.  Becca lets the rest of the group know that she too is a virgin, and in a calm and rational manner, says "it's a choice I made, and it hasn't come up at all, so I haven't told him."  Becca is now my favorite.  It's the reason in college I didn't walk into parties and tell everyone "hey I don't drink, so DON'T OFFER ME A DRINK!"  Becca wins the week.

Britt loses her damn mind (first impression rose syndrome) and pulls Chris aside to chastise him for giving roses girls who take their tops off and telling him that "a lot of girls" thought about going home after the camping date (so, Kelsey) and that she needs to know why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn.  Unsurprisingly, Chris is not thrilled with being called a manwhore who is picking his wife based on how drunk/slutty the girl is.  So he does what anyone would do:

HE CHASTIZES THE GIRLS AND TELLS THEM TO LEAVE IF THEY DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE'S PICKING A WIFE.  

Really?  The nice guy just basically said "There's the door if you don't like watching me make out with other women."  I'm starting to see a few cracks in the Prince Farming mythology.  I see a guy who likes things done his way and doesn't handle criticism well at all.  Hope you don't read my blog, Bro!  

He then starts handing roses by saying "things are working for me."  Basically, "don't question how many times I make you parade around in a bikini and make out with other women in front of you, this  process is THE BEST way to find a wife.

The usual suspects get a rose, but also some girl named Samantha who I swear to God I didn't know was on the show.  Ashley Kardashian gets the rose - probably because he's hoping she snaps out of her virgin alter ego and goes back to letting him rub her magic belly button and getting a wish wrapped in a tongue.  

Hitting the bricks are Mesa Verde, Juelia the widow, and some other girl I don't really recognize (The Bachelor website tells me her name is Nikki).  Juelia gets the "you're so special because your husband committed suicide" talk and that he's doing her a favor by sending her home to her daughter.  He's really lucky he got meet her and then drops the line every single person loves to hear:  "someone will find you someday."  

Tune in next week when Kelsey apparently plans some sort of deceptive maneuver to win Chris' heart that involves dressing like a 1950's secretary, only to have her plan thwarted by Ashley Kardashian who thwarts said plan by wearing a dress that would barely fit a fourth grader.  Kelsey then apparently sees her plan unraveling before her eyes, so she beats the shit out of herself in the bathroom to the point that she needs medical attention in attempt to get  a rose using the "you can't give the girl in the hospital the boot" loophole last used by Tierra (she of the inner sparkle) on Sean's season.

To quote Bart Scott:

Bachelor Week 2: What Won't These Girls Do?

Welcome back!  ABC's wasting no time getting into it tonight, so I won't either.  Picking up right where we left off  at the House of Regret, Kimberly is going to give it the old college try.  The girls are all pissed, and wait it's morning already?  Holy crap they keep those girls going all night!  No wonder they're so drunk and disorderly by the rose ceremony.  Chris calls in Harrison to discuss, saying "one of the girls, didn't get a chance to talk her....and she wants to get another shot."  He calls her "one of the girls" because he still has no damn clue what her name is.

Chris, incredibly, keeps Kimberly around even walking hand-in-hand with her into the room to meet the other girls.  That's the way to amp up the crazy meter, bro!  Of course, the girls roll their eyes, act pissed off, and then hug her and welcome her back with open arms.  Kimberly basically dribbled out the clock, thinking she had a one point lead when she was actually losing, then successfully lobbied the referee to put a few more seconds on the clock.  Rather than be mad at the ref for allowing this farce to continue, the girls instead praise him for "keeping them on their toes" and "not playing by the rules."  The lengths these girls will go to to keep the image of the 'perfect' bachelor in their minds is staggering.

I have no sense of time on this show, because apparently the sun is coming up, giving the impression that they had a day off, but Harrison is asking Chris is he remembers anything from last night.  Harrison preps the ladies as Chris grooms his facial hair in a pair of tight shorts and hops into his outdoor shower, which......who has one of those?  Harrison makes sure to remind the ladies where Chris lives, all but drawing them a map to his front door.  Good times.  Group date is out, and of course Kimberly is on the date.  The girls aren't happy about it.  Megan is jealous, apparently not realizing that this means she's still eligible for the first one-on-one date.

The date card said "show me your country," so naturally they head to downtown LA and have a rooftop pool party.  Nothing about that screams country to me, but conveniently the girls have all worn their bikinis for country time.   Kimberly gets some one on one time, and Chris dorkily pretends that he's never met her and walks around the corner and introduces himself.  Kimberly of course loves it.

Ok what the hell are Jillian and Megan doing?  Despite it being obvious Jillian is wearing a bikini bottom, ABC feels the need to blur out her ass.  They've decided to sneak over to Chris' house and look around.  Fun fact:  Chris leaves his house unlocked and also parks his motorcycle inside.  Megan, apparently still drunk from the night before, straps on Chris' helmet and goes Gus Frerotte on every hard surface in the house.

Coincidentally, I feel like doing that too.  You can sum up Chris' remaining ladies in four words:  So hot, so dumb.  

Chris meanwhile is parading the ladies down a busy street in LA in their bikinis.  Ever the gentleman, he allows himself to put a shirt back on.  He leads them to a fleet of tractors and NOW the girls get why the date card said "show me your country."  I don't really understand when or why the date cards became so important that every girl has to break it down like the goddamned DaVinci Code, but it's like nobody can breathe easy until they understand why the date card says "country" on it.  Chris thinks the girls are looking "smoking hot" on the tractors, as if the tractors somehow made them sexier.  Don't let Chris near Kenny Chesney y'all.

The slowest "race" ever ensues as the tractors are either rigged to not be able to shift or the girls are incapable of learning how to shift them.  Chris says it's like like watching old people walk down the street with walkers.  The less crazy Ashley wins, and we flash back to the house where the non-daters are hearing about Juelia's sob story.  Her husband committed suicide right after their daughter was born.  Oh, and their daughter's name is Ireland, or judging by her mom's name, it's probably Iereland.  

This group date seems to be going horribly as Chris does a terrible job of carrying the conversation and tells the girls how hard it is to date six girls at one time, completely ignoring the fact that it's probably harder to be one of the six girls dating him.  So he says he needs to finish the night off with just one girl, and he picks Mackenzie.  Unbelievably, the remaining girls APPLAUD Chris for being such a gentleman and letting them know how hard it is for him.  When I die, if I'm lucky enough to make it into Heaven (which watching this show probably doesn't help), I hope everyone there gets the chance to be the Bachelor or Bachelorette for a while.  Just treat people like crap, remind them how hard it is for you to have so many girls blinded by your looks and completely fabricated and puffed up status as an ideal spouse that you could date a different one every day FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH, and then have them thank you for treating them like crap.  It's incredible.

Tara somehow seems to think that the fact that she only had a 16% chance of getting the one-on-one time on this date and didn't get it somehow means she's a failure.  Luckily, her friends Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Johnnie Walker are probably waiting for her back at the ranch.

Mackenzie, leads off their dating time by noticing his ears were once pierced, and then talked about how she's "super observant."  This is a girl who didn't know what alfalfa was.  She then compliments Chris on his big nose and asks if he believes in aliens.  The reason she's so nervous is because she hasn't told him she has a vegetable kid and she hasn't had a date in a year because of it.  Why is this so nerve wracking?  Is she ashamed that she has a kid that she claims is the light of her life?  Chris, not having any clue how to react to this news, says "wow, you're raising him all on your own? That must be so tough!"  She then follows it up by saying "yeah, and I worked all the way up until I had him!" as if every working woman doesn't do the same thing, because, you know, they want to take as much of their maternity leave AFTER the kid is there.  Then again, this woman decided it'd be a good idea to leave her one year old for up to three months to chase a 1/30 chance of catching a husband.  Actually, it's probably more likely she left her son to try to cash in on on her TV celebrity.   Also, she's a dental assistant, not a construction worker.  Let's not act like she was lifting cinder blocks or something at work.

Mackenzie reveals to the girls that Chris kissed her multiple times, and they're all shocked.  I love how they NEVER expect that other girls will kiss their man, and then get pissed when they ASK if he kissed her and she TELLS them.  The nerve of some people.

I'll give Megan this - she didn't spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the date card meant.  She didn't even know what the date card was.  She thought it was a love note, allegedly.  So we're supposed to believe that she didn't know anything about the show before applying to be on it?  She did zero research after being selected to be on it?  C'mon son.  The date card said something about "love being a natural wonder" so obviously they're going to some sort of national park or monument or something.  Hilariously, the first thing they see is the Hoover Dam, which is the exact opposite of a natural wonder.

Megan says something about how how crazy it is that she's on the show, given that it's happened so fast...a peculiar statement, which leads to Megan telling him how her dad died a month or so before the show started.  Chris, never says "I'm so sorry for your loss" or anything else, just "I'm lucky you still came!"  Way to win her over buddy.  He offers her the rose, she accepts, and smooching continues.  Megan seems to be instantly falling into the "first solo date" trap, where she thinks she's the only one he's got eyes for.  Will be interesting to see how she handles the other girls going on dates now.

Group date time, and the card says "til death do us part"  Somehow, none of the ladies think this has anything to do with a wedding, which was my original thought.  The girls are taken in their limo to an abandoned building, and all of a sudden they're freaking out.  Britt says this is her worst nightmare.  I know my worst nightmares involve being in a limousine on a dating show and being a part of an obviously fake horror movie scene.  Nonetheless, the  actors in zombie makeup scare the bejeesus out of all of them, as they all jump into each others lap to get away from the window as one of them snarls at them.  Good plan Chris.  Every girl wants to date a guy that scares the shit out of them.  Of course it's entirely probable that later on in the show, one or more of these girls will talk about how Chris' calm, strong presence was the only reason they were able to survive the haunted house.

Kelsey, who seems to be the sentimental favorite of every woman in my office, gives us a run down of how terrified they were when the door opened, but *surprise* it's Chris!  She then laughs like the Wicked Witch of the East and says "oops!'  The more crazy Ashley re-assumes her crazy persona, threatening to shoot everyone there.  As the zombies start coming out, and they just light them up with paintballs.  How much do you get paid to put on zombie makeup and let people shoot paintballs at your head?  Crazy Ashley continues her reign as she says she feels like she's a Mesa Verde, which has nothing to do with abandoned buildings or industrial warehouses or zombies or anything else.

Back at the house, Jordan is drunk as a skunk - she's twerking, and talking about Jillian's ass - which is apparently so sexy that it must be censored even in jeans.  Nikki Minaj can get her Anaconda video on TV, but Jillian's butt in some Wranglers is OFF LIMITS.  Not everyone thinks it's sexy though - Jordan thinks she needs to trim the hairs in her butt-crack, which.....why has she seen Jillian's ass crack?  What is going on in that house?  How often does the Bacardi truck back its way down the driveway to deliver more rum?

Back at the zombie warehouse, Kaitlyn gets some one on one time, but also hilariously mimes Crazy Ashley eating a rose.  Kaitlyn does a really overdone Canadian accent - which of course Chris says is "super sexy" - and gets a kiss. Next up is Crazy Ashley who wants to play hide n' seek, still thinks she's at Mesa Verde, somehow thinks she's in a dome, and then asks if he's afraid of spiders or snakes or jumping.  I will give Chris this - he completely takes everything she says in stride, without letting it get him flustered.  I'm flustered, however.  Did ABC put a mentally ill person on national TV so we could make fun of her?  Are they pretending to put a crazy person on TV so we can make fun of her? Despite her obvious mental deficiencies, Chris says "I still need time to figure her out" as if he's some sort of psychiatrist who could win a Nobel Prize if he unlocks her mind.

The Britt-Chris show picks up where it left off last week, with dorky "free kiss" notes and lots of making out and discussions of how perfect they are together.  Predictably, he gives the rose to the girl he describes as a 'firecracker' and now Britt's gripping, as if she honestly believes that a rose was guaranteed to her every week.  This should end well.

I gotta say, having a two hour episode where I can fast forward through commercials following last week's three hour marathon show makes me feel like this is a breeze to get through.  We're already to the cocktail party?  Whitney leads off the party with her nasally voice that reminds me of Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers by giving him a bottle of whiskey to remind him of Iowa.

Ashley is nervous that she's a virgin, but apparently this isn't a big deal to her, but it is to Mackenzie, who wishes she was still a virgin because "all guys love taking a girl' virginity" according to her.  In typical 24 year old virgin fashion, she makes him rub her magic lamp belly button ring so he can have three wishes and then proceeds to eat his face.  She also makes some sort of comment about how she needs to let him know that she's goign to be a "good time for the rest of his life."

Britt is not handling this well at all.  Clearly she had already taken a trip to the DMV to get her name officially changed to Britt Soules.  Jordan goes in for a drunken conversation, but can't close the deal, even telling Chris that "she was coming in for the kill" but then backs off.  Only on The Bachelor will the virgin give you three wishes on her belly button ring and the drunk twerking girl not make out with you.  This show is amazing.  It's like a choose your own adventure book with typos.  When you decide to get pick up the hitchhiker, you end up getting home safely, and when you pass him by you still end up waking up in a hotel bathtub packed in ice with a note telling you that your kidney has been taken and 911 has already been called to your location.

Chris is ready to send some girls home.  Logic would say Crazy Ashley, Jillian (due to her inactivity), and maybe Kimberly who just got a pity week are sure bets to go home.  Britt gets the first rose, which throws me for a loop, because if anyone was a candidate for a Stage 4 freakout as she has to wait for the last rose, she was it.

Also safe are a lot of other girls we haven't seen much of (Sam?  Tandra? Amber? Carly?)  Jillian thinks he calls her, but instead takes Juelia.  Jillian tries to backtrack, but slips on the carpet and lets out a crazy cackle laugh to rival the one Kelsey gave us earlier.  Not to be outdone, Chris gives his own high pitched giggle, and this season is definitely the most annoying laughter season of The Bachelor EVER!

In the end, Tara the drunk sport fisher does in fact go home alone again, Kimberley was a pity choice, Jordan will always wonder if she should've gone in for the kill, the stewardess will have to find someone else to be smoking hot on her flight.  During the farewells, Chris whispers "you're so pretty" to her as he lets her go.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?  Tara's really not handling this well.  She says this will "haunt her for the rest of her life."  Something tells me that by the end of this season, she'll be thanking her lucky stars she didn't end up with this giggly douche.

Bachelor Season 19? How is that possible?

Before we get started, I need to invite you all to join a Bachelor Bracket - that's right...let's see who knows the most about a completely staged reality show.  So click the link and join in the fun!  Alright, lets get to it.

This three hour premiere even has a red carpet.  Look, there's Sean and that girl whose name I can't remember!  There's some dude taking selfies with lonely women!  Chris Harrison tells us this season has a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a good girl with an x-rated past, and two widows.  So two completely overblown stories, and two ladies capitalizing on deceased loved ones.

Now we go to Chris on a motorcycle.  Dudes in leather jackets on motorcycles are supposed to look badass, but Chris is wearing a helmet that makes him look like this:

Also, let's just get one thing straight right now:  The Prince Farming thing is complete crap.  Farmers are dirty, dirty people.  They deal with pig crap and dust and grease and all sorts of nasty stuff.  Think of common sayings associated with farmers:  farmer tans, farmer blows, etc.  Not sexy.  And oh god, they got Cody Code out of Michelle Money's clutches to train Chris by carrying hay bales and calf raises on the side of a barn.  Apparently there are no 24 hour fitnesses or crossfit gyms in Iowa.  Also, a quick google search confirms that Michelle Money has cut Cody loose and is now a host on some morning talk show in Utah.  Shocking.

Two quick observations:

1. For Bachelor alums, the season premieres and Men/Women Tell All/After the Final Rose shows are like their Super Bowls.  I can honestly say I haven't thought about Marcus and Lacy or Cody and Michelle since Bachelor in Paradise ended.  And I'm going to stop thinking about them as soon as this show is over. But tonight, 19 million people or whatever are saying "oh yeah, those guys!" and they can somehow parlay that into a way to make enough money to not really do anything the rest of the year.  Amazing.
2. Watching TV shows on demand is not something I do often (or ever really).  I'm just now learning that I can't fast forward through commercials.  This is going to be a long night.

Marcus and Lacy are out to talk about planning their wedding, and I don't think it's a good sign when Harrison asks if they're still madly in love and Lacy nervously nods and Marcus says "we're keeping on keeping on."  Yikes.  Lacey then makes a really poorly delivered "80/40" joke, and...we're done with them.

Now we get into the girls.  First up is Britt, a cute waitress from Hollywood, CA who apparently doesn't have sex with her boyfriends but offers free hugs to people on the Hollywood Strip.  Sounds like a good way to end up in a serial killer's basement, but good for you Britt.

Next we get a cross-fitting news producer from DC named Jillian who looks like she may be a former cheerleader or gymnast.  She seems super intimidating.

Amanda is a ballet instructor from Illinois with Rapunzel-sized eyes.  She lives at home with her mom because she doesn't like to cook or clean.  I don't like to do those things either, sweetheart, but I still got my own place and dirtied the hell out of it.  Why don't you just admit that being a ballet instructor pays terribly?

Whitney is a fertility nurse with a nasally voice and the best hair on someone wearing scrubs this side of Dr. Meredith Grey.  She's also go a tiny dog that she wants Chris to be the daddy of.  She's off my list.

Mackenzie is a 21 year old with a kid named after a vegetable.  Little Kale is super cute, and mommy says she has way more fun hanging out with a toddler than people her own age apparently.  a mature thing for a mom to say.  Why does she like Chris?  Because she "thinks he's hot..." Ok, maybe not so mature.

Next we get a flight attendant whose name I missed and I'm not going back because I'm already going to be up way too late tonight, but she made a comical "no smoking on this flight, unless you're smoking hot" joke.  I laughed.  Points for her for owning an absolutely terrible joke.  The follow-up skit about handing a rose to a creepy looking fake passenger did not go over nearly as well.

Kelsey is our first widow.  I don't really get why she never mentions his name or we don't see a picture of them together though.  Unless of course his family is horrified at the idea of their dead son's widow paddle boarding in a bikini on a reality dating show while talking about how much she loved her deceased husband.  That might have something to do with it.

Back on the red carpet, we've got a countdown to the first limo, and there's 30 minutes until that happens.  Jesus, how have I only been typing for half an hour?  Andi and Josh are here, talking about how people stop them all the time and tell them how supportive they are of their relationship.  These two clearly enjoy their pseudo-fame.  Speaking of pseudo-fame, I'm cracking up seeing some of the former cast members who aren't in relationships cultivated on TV just kind of milling around in the background with a drink in hand, waiting for someone of the opposite sex to recognize them.

Now we get to recap how terrible Juan Pablo was/is.  Bottom line, the guy took a stand and wasn't going to let America dictate when and how he told his girlfriend that he loved her for the first time.  Nikki says "we tried, we real life tried.  Not just TV tried," which I have no idea how that means.  This conversation is like five minutes too long, as Nikki finds a million ways to say "we're two different people."  ABC seems to think that people really turned in to hate on Juan Pablo, which.....really?  I really could do without this bullcrap filler television.  Can we get to the limos already?

Answer:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA No way!  We OWN you, Lasselle.  First watch these commercials (I gotta say that while I hate Diet Coke, the "what if life tasted as good as Diet Coke?" commercial is pretty good) and let Harrison fire us up with "are we ready to start these Bachelor viewing parties?" As if most of us suckers haven't been sitting here watching crap for the last hour.  Screw you, Harrison.

Soules is (finally) back in his Great Gazoo helmet telling us how much he hates wearing super expensive clothes and having people take his picture, all while smiling and making "this is harder than harvest!" jokes.  Harvest might challenge "journey" and "love is like" comments on this show.  Official "harvest" mentions: 3.

Rapunzel says that his smile is a "panty dropper."  This woman lives with her mother, don't forget.  First limo pulls up, and we immediately go to a commercial.  How many people watch this show, and how much money does ABC rake in on this?  It's got to be an astronomical amount.  What other reality shows do you know are talked about weekly on a sports talk show (Petros and Money) or broken down on a "sports" website (Grantland)?  I feel like the show's actually getting MORE popular, which is pretty nuts for a show that's been on this long.

Britt's out of the limo first, and she gives him the longest hug in introduction history.  She looks a little desperate and crazy.  She gives him one of her patented "free hug" fliers.  Whitney tells Chris that she wouldn't be here if it wasn't him.  Kelsey the first widow says she was nervous getting out of the limo and then she saw Chris and suddenly she's no longer nervous.  Megan the Makeup Artist gets out of the limo and Chris says "Hello. Blondie!"  Then he follows up that by saying "you're beautiful.  Blue eyes, oh my God!"  Somebody get this guy a new pair of boxers.  Come on man.  As he's done with every girl so far, he's makes some sort of "these girls are so hot!' comment under his breath as she walks away.  Reagan the human tissue seller brings a human heart as her ice breaker - just kidding, it's totally fake!  Tara the sport fisherman enthusiast shows up in jean shorts and boots because "this is me." which seems like a pretty good strategy actually.  She then immediately changes into a cocktail dress (after ordering a cocktail) and sneaks back into the limo to reintroduce herself as a girl who can be taken out of the country, but the country can't be taken out of her.  Somehow her "I've gotta be me" act seems like it's going to turn into a "I'm going to do a bunch of wacky stuff that will probably get me sent home tonight, but then I can just say that Chris couldn't handle the real me and I wasn't going to pretend to be this perfect trophy wife for anyone!"

The bad ice-breakers continue as some girl stays in the limo and whips out a note asking Chris to close his eyes and turn around.  It's Rapunzel the crazy, although she's dressed like Jasmine in her belly shirt.  She goes for the "secret admirer" tactic as she saunters inside without ever letting him see her.  I wonder if she remembers that the secret admirer bit didn't work for Chris, and that's the reason he's the Bachelor now.  Maybe that's her angle all along...she wants to be the next Bachelorette!  She's not here for the right reasons!!!  Some girl puts a penny in his shoe, and then we get Kaitlyn  who says she'd let him "plow the f*ck" out of her field any day.  Chris is completely befuddled.  She then wipes some glitter of his face and yells "WHO IS SHE?" in his face, which would have been hilarious if she hadn't gone way over the top with the field joke.  I like her though.  She'll be good entertainment.

Chris awkwardly makes a "are you sure you all are at the right house?" joke as if someone else was waiting for multiple limousines full of well dressed women. Kaitlyn then trumps his joke with her own dirty joke about a walrus and a "tight seal" which, holy crap this chick is crazy.

Britt gets the first one-on-one time and talks about her hugs can be his safe haven and any time he's having any sort of a feeling whatsoever, her tiny arms are there to give him a dainty hug.  Some other girl tries to impress Chris by saying she was "literally in Peru literally hiking Macchu Pichu when she literally looked down an picked up a stone that is literally shaped like a heart."  Literally I hate your braggy story.  You remind me of Eric on Andi's season, and we all know what happened to him.  (If you don't, he told amazing stories of his travels around the world, and then he died on one of those travels.  Don't brag about your travels.)

There's 15 women there, and they're all predictably worried about where everyone else is rather than taking advantage of the diminished competition.  Then Harrison shows up with his first impression rose and now it's "real" for the girls.  But first, let's go back to the studio, where ABC has flown in six farmer's wives from Chris' hometown to talk about what a great guy he is.  Am I the only person who thinks that all six of these ladies look related?  Just how small is his hometown?


Chris shows incredible idiocy when he can't figure that the secret admirer is the only woman there that he hasn't seen already.  Then we get a lot of talk about how big Amanda's eyes are and lots of close up shots of her eyes as she says stuff like "eye contact is important," and "I feel like I'm staring at him."  Let's hope that on her first one on one date he takes her to a museum or something and we get to see her looking through a magnifying glass, or maybe they go to see that Big Eyes movie in a cross promotion.

Finally we get back to the limos to meet the remaining ladies.  Or not...first we get more shots of Lacy and Marcus not looking in love and a chat with Clare, whose cheekbones seem to have migrated north.  Is this some makeup trick, or did she have some work done?  In any event, she looks way overdone.

Nicole, one of my preliminary favorites hops out wearing a fake pig nose and i'm like "oh my god I might've picked a real loser."  However, she's followed up by the WWE diva-in-training in what looks like a "sexy bride" Halloween costume with a #soulesmate sign and a girl in a pink prom dress with a karaoke machine, so I think she's probably safe.  Hang in there Nicole!

Tracy, a 4th grade teacher, reads a note from one of her students that says "pick my teacher so that she doesn't end up sad an alone with 9 cats."  She wins the walk-ups in my opinion.  There's a lot of confident girls interrupting conversations and girls who aren't confident enough to interrupt, moaning about how they're not getting any time.  Bring on the irrational panicking!

Looks like the Crazy Title is taken by the Brooklyn Hair Stylist who starts going nuts about onions and then wants to pick one off a tree saying "if it's a pomegranate then God bless it."  She then pulls it off the tree and says "I feel powerful" but starts laughing before they can edit it out, perhaps giving us a peek behind the curtain of ABC showing us that she won't be around for longer than tonight and told her that she had an opportunity to get a little more screen time if she acted nuts.  Tara on the other hand, just looks drunk.  Some people on this show have acted drunk before, but Tara looks exactly like every drunk girl I remember encountering in high school and college.  She is legitimately drunk.  This could get better in the last 45 minutes!

Britt gets the first impression rose, after being the first person out of a limo and the first girl profiled on the show.  She then gets the first kiss and holy crap they're about to talk about how they finish each others sandwiches and how their mental synchronization can have but one explanation.  Kristoff needs to show up immediately to remind these two what happens when you get engaged to someone you just met THAT NIGHT.  Hopefully he doesn't leave her to die and try to kill her sister.

Back at the studio, Michelle Money somehow snuck in and throws out "Britt doesn't shower!" comment.  Meanwhile, the Iowa ladies just say "that's our Chris" which could either mean "he's always falling in love way too quick," or "dude is a complete player."  For our sake, I hope it's the latter, because that will make for much better television.

Good news, we're at the rose ceremony!  Bad news, there's still half a freaking hour of this thing left. my laptop is about to die, and I'm in serious need of a Pepsi, but it's almost midnight and drinking a Pepsi now seems like a terrible idea.

Crude Jokes Kaitlyn gets the first rose, followed by Last Out of the Limo Jade, Samantha the Unremarkable, Ashley the potential twin of Samantha, Tandra the Tall, Anonymous Nikki, Kelsey the Widow, Megan the Beautiful Blue Eyed Blondie, Elisa the Flight Attendant, Token Minority girl, Juelia of the extra E, Becca the sparkly, (Tara the drunk is really starting to lose it), Trina (yet another anonymous blonde), and then Chris has to leave, presumably because he's concerned about Tara.  I'm concerned about the girls standing around Tara, because one of them is about to get puked on.  Chris discusses with Harrison, and they have a meeting of the minds over what the proper protocol is with issuing roses to the drunkest person there.  Historically, super drunk people have not been moved along.  Chris makes the good point however that it has been a long night and he gets how the situation could lead to over serving yourself.  Also collecting roses are Jillian, Jordan, Mackenzie, Whitney, Carley the Cruise Ship Singer, and.....Ashley the onion/pomegranate aficionado.  Once again, my initial favorite goes home night one.  Chris gives Nicole the "you're amazing" line on her way out.  Ouch.  Big Eyes is also gone, and she starts crying, which could potentially end the drought in Southern California.  At least she has a loveable chameleon waiting back home in her tower for her.  In my initial blog about the ladies a few weeks ago, I speculated that "on paper" Kimberly the yoga instructor was a potential favorite.  She's out.  I did get right my "don't even get out of the limo pick" with Kara however.  Kimberly, however, is not going down without a fight.  In a Bachelor first, Kimberly returns from rejection to beg for her reality TV life.  Why not, right?  What's she got to lose?  In true ABC fashion, we'll have to wait until next week to see if she is able to change Chris' mind.  You'd think Chris, the genuine farmer guy that we've all been led to believe he is, will politely tell her how incredible she is, and then stick to his guns in fairness to the women he picked.  Very rarely has someone pulled off the unexpected return to the show with any success. Kacey B tried it with Ben without any success, and who can forget Chris Bukowski's pathetic pandering at the gates during Andi's season?

And mercifully, this three hour tour has come to an end, although I'm not entirely sure it ended any better than the three hour tour of the SS Minnow.  Hopefully that's the last extended Bachelor of the season, but my guess is "probably not."

Breaking Down Disneyland

I've now been to Disneyland twice in my life.  The first time was in 1988, so I've been itching to get back for a while.  We were fortunate enough to be able to take our kids for Christmas this year, and meet Rachel's parents and her sister's family there.  I don't really remember how much fun I had when I was eight, but I'd be hard pressed to say I had more fun than I did this year.  It truly is the happiest place on Earth.  Here's a few of my observations, for anyone thinking of taking a trip there:

• If you can spend four days in the parks, do it - Disneyland and California Adventure are huge, you really need a couple days in each to see everything at a leisurely pace.  I think you can cover just about everything in three, but that fourth day was nice to knock out some of the "non-ride" attractions, like the Enchanted Tiki Room (although I'd say you could skip this one) and the Disney Jr. Live show (which you could also skip unless you have kids under five).
• TAKE BREAKS  - Can't stress this one enough.  Again, if you're on a budget and have just a day or two, this isn't going to work.  But if you've got the time, get into the park early, take a couple hour break in the afternoon, then go back for the evening/night.  Lines are shorter first thing in the morning, and a lot of the lines for rides for younger kids start to taper off as you get into the evening hours and kids who didn't take a break start to melt down.  I'd recommend taking your break back at your hotel room rather than finding a place to eat in the park, just to avoid the constant stimulation that comes with being in the parks.  You'll also save a small fortune by eating meals outside the park.  Also, taking a full day break in the middle was really beneficial for us.  We went two days, took an off day to shop at Downtown Disney and swim at the hotel, and it was great for the kids to be able to sleep in and not be walking all day.  By the end of the second day, we had to carry both kids out of the park they were so tired.
• Park Hoppers are nice, but not necessary - We paid extra for the park hopper pass, but ended up only using it on that last day to knock out the last few things.  Plus, you really can waste quite a bit of time walking back and forth from park to park.
• The Bug's Life 3D movie is NOT FOR YOUNG KIDS - This show really confused me.  The whole Bug's Life area is really geared towards younger patrons, but the show is decidedly for an older crowd.  I don't want to ruin the surprises for anyone, because it really is an entertaining show, but Jonah was practically in my lap the entire show and screamed more than once.  This is a kid who rode Indiana Jones four times and had no problems handling the bigger roller coasters there.  
• Unless you're staying at a Disneyland Hotel, Magic Mornings only apply at Disneyland - This is written on your ticket, but we missed it anyways.  We got up early to go to California Adventure, but ended up just standing in line to get in for an hour.  We ended up using our Magic Morning the next day at Disneyland, which allowed us to get on a few of the rides that have longer lines (Finding Nemo and Space Mountain) that we weren't able to really do any other day.  
• Unless you're sitting in the front, you won't get that wet on Splash Mountain - This isn't really an issue in warmer months, but the temperature was in the low 50's the whole time we were there.  The cooler temps scared most everyone off of riding it - I never saw a line of more than five minutes to ride it the whole time we were there - and that allowed Jonah and I to ride the ride multiple times without waiting.  
• You will get wet on Grizzly River Run, though - I'd heard this going in, and it's the truth.  We saved this ride for the final ride of the day, and we shed our sweatshirts before riding so we'd have something dry to put on when the ride was over.  
• Even if someone in your party has no intention of riding a certain ride, get them a Fastpass - You can only get one Fastpass per ticket, but one person could use every Fastpass.  Jocelyn wasn't tall enough to ride any of the Fastpass rides, but we used her ticket to get Jonah an extra Fastpass ride, then split our party in half and Jonah would ride twice.  
• Bring a cheap stroller for younger kids - The crowds are too big to bring your doublewide Cadillac Escalade sized stroller.  You'll end up angering everyone around you, and you'll get frustrated yourself with how long it takes you get anywhere.  We picked up an umbrella stroller for Jocie for $20 at Babies R' Us before going down, and it was a lifesaver.  Stroller rentals are $15/day at the park, so we ended up saving $40 by buying one ourselves.  

The Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boutique is expensive, but worth it for young girls - We ended up splurging for the top of the line package, which gets you VIP access to meet some of the princesses without waiting in the insanely long line.  You also get a photo shoot with your little princess in her dress, which Jocelyn absolutely loved.  In addition, every park employee will refer to your daughter as "your majesty" the rest of the day, which was quite awesome.  They do good work too:

For something special for little boys, get them in the Jedi Training Academy - Jonah loved this, and it was free!  The only catch is that kids are selected randomly from the crowd, so you could end up with a really bummed out kid if they don't get picked.  We were fortunate to have Jonah selected during the first training session we attended, though Rachel had to literally pick Jonah up and shake him to get him noticed over the other kids.  But every kid selected gets a chance to cross lightsabers with either Darth Vader or Darth Maul, and Jonah hasn't stopped talking about it since:

• Christmas is an awesome time to visit the park - Between the music playing and the extra decorations, it really is special.  A few of the rides (Jungle Cruise, Haunted Mansion, Small World) change their formats to incorporate holiday themes which makes them different from during other times of the year.  

• No matter what time you show up to the bus stop, your bus has just left - We ended up walking the 6/10ths of a mile back to our hotel just about as often as we took the bus, and it was about the same amount of time.  It just adds to your time on your feet though, which can be problematic if you have small children, grandparents, or are just out of shape.  
• Driving takes a while, but if your kids travel well, it'll save you money - It's a 14 hour drive from Albany if you're lucky to miss LA traffic like we were on the way home (and you can time your trip to make this more likely), but our kids were awesome.  I'm sure the fact that Santa brought them both iPad Mini's for Christmas helped, but they were totally content to listen to music and watch movies most of the way.  We had to fill up five times on the trip, and the average cost of a fill-up was about $50, so we spent less on gas than we probably would have for one plane ticket.  
• You'd be hard pressed to find a better place to spend a vacation - It's one of the few places where everyone, no matter your age or interests, will have a good time.  Jonah loved the rides, Jocie loved the princesses, I was fascinated by the attention to detail and level of professionalism shown by the staff, Rachel loved the atmosphere, and of course as parents we loved the looks of excitement and wonder on our kids faces, something you probably won't get if you take them to the Grand Canyon or Washington D.C. or even Hawaii.  I can't guarantee it won't be 27 years before I visit again.