- Jimmy Kimmel really wanted to have sex with those girls!
- Kaitlyn's been so funny and off the wall this season, I didn't realize she had a fantastic body until week 3. That might be a first on the Bachelor. Also - who still wears crop tops? Are those still a thing for women?
- Apparently America is still not ready for Jillian's jelly. Her body really is too bootylicious for us. (And let's be honest: any chance to listen to Destiny's Child is worth it, right?)
- Chris may be a good guy, but he's a terrible liar. The whole time they were at that wedding they "crashed," I kept expecting him to just start crying and yell "I can't take it anymore! We're not supposed to be here!" At least his future wife won't have to worry about him lying to her about hooking up with the runner-up. She'll know right away.
- With Ashley not going psychotic during the daytime farm challenge date, I think it's safe to say her bizarre behavior is related to her drinking alcohol (or a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs). Some people get happy, some get angry....Ashley worships onions and thinks she's in:
- Let the above video be Exhibit A as to why all dates should start at 11:00pm at the earliest
Alright, let's get this week going!
Harrison starts things off by telling the ladies that Chris' sisters will be picking who gets the one-on-one date. I'm not sure why, but the girls seem super excited about this. I suppose that whomever they pick will feel like she's already been accepted into the family and therefore have Alpha status over the rest of the pack. However, I think it's more likely that the sisters say "well, I suppose we have to pick one, and this girl is the one we least want to kill right now."
Date time, and the card says "let's do what feels natural." Now everyone's playing "The Imitation Game" trying to decode what Chris means, as if he writes these things himself. I find it so amusing that these girls seem to actually think that if they wear makeup on the date, that may be the deciding factor in him keeping them around, as if anyone's has ever been kicked off for misinterpreting a date card. However, Mesa Verde is still around, so who knows what this dude's criteria are for a spouse.
The girls take off in a couple classic cars with Chris. Ashley Kardashian says that "driving is one of the sexiest things a guy can do." Nice to know that I'm at my peak sexy on my way to work every morning. Chris is excited to see how the girls react to being in nature. Really, this looks like the pool party they had last week only with a larger pool and less clothing, as Kardashian takes her top off and Kaitlyn removes her bottoms. Honesty, Intelligence, Humor, and Public Nudity are the pillars of any healthy marriage, duh!
Back at the house, the sisters have shown up. Jillian and her blacked out booty are sleeping out in the sun while the girls get to know the sisters. This censorship bar is starting to get on my nerves. Whitney gets the first time with the sisters, and I love that they have notes. At least someone is taking this farce seriously. Britt is up next, and she's intimidated that there's three of them. Is she complaining that it's unfair that he has three sisters? That's kind of one of those variables you can't control, sweetie. I also love that when the girls are asked about living in Iowa, none of them say much about it, more "well if you love someone, you'll go anywhere" as if Iowa is the last exit on the highway to Hell.
Back on the group date, Chris tells the girls he's having a great time at the lake with the girls in their swimming suits. Kelsey on the other hand is not having a great time. In her defense, when's the last time a group of people over the age of 10 played Red Rover? That is STUPID. Tough luck for you, Toots - you're CAMPING! Yet again, Chris gets to put on more clothing while the girls are forced to pitch tents in bikini's - something no normal person does. In a the least shocking turn of events ever, Ashley Kardashian and McKenzie the Teen Mom who believes in aliens have trouble putting up a tent. Other things those two probably have trouble doing: Using the popcorn button on a microwave, opening doors that include a lock AND a deadbolt, sinks that have separate knobs for the hot and cold water, and telling time on a clock that isn't digital.
Key moment from the sister interviews: Cruise ship Carly starts crying when they ask how she is "in relationships." Bottom line, she's never had a guy treat her nicely and she doesn't have the love that her grandparents had. I think it's probably a bad idea to tell the people deciding your dating fate that you're a terrible judge of character and date guys that treat you terribly. Then again, she's trapped on a cruise ship, so her options are probably pretty damn limited.
Jade snags the coveted sister's pick solo-date, which is a royal ball from 8 to midnight. "It's like Cinderella!" Britt coos, as if she's just solved the evil troll's riddle and now gets to cross the bridge. However, I'm willing to bet this is EXACTLY what it's like - because there's a new Disney Cinderella movie coming out soon. We all think of Disney as this wonderful company that makes movies for kids and runs a theme park, but we forget they also OWN OUR SOULS. You don't think unless the mouse tells you what to think first. We're all slaves to Mickey:
As the camping date wears on, the alcohol starts to take it's inevitable toll on Ashley, transforming her from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Mesa Verde. She's singing crazy songs that nobody's ever heard and expecting people to join in, and Kelsey the pouty widow is trying to turn on the charm with Chris, laughing like there's no tomorrow. Actually, if she keeps laughing like that, there probably is no tomorrow for her. Can you imagine hearing that laugh every day for the rest of your life? I've never been a fan of writing a person off because of one negative trait - I wouldn't stop dating someone just because they were messy or just because they liked pickles or because they sang the wrong words to a song everyone knows the words to - but that laugh would just grind on me like a stone on a knife, until I eventually used that knife to end someone's life. Maybe my own, maybe hers....but that laugh would be an accessory to murder.
Ashley uses her one on one time to ramble about the moon and tell him how much she loves him and peck him on the lips and tell him to "let that resonate in your mind." Fantastic. She's the best.
Close runner up is Ashley Kardashian who calls this the "craziest night of her life" and then tells Chris that it's "so hard for her to like a guy" but that Chris makes her feel like she has a unibrow and that somehow means she has to inhale his lips and then pause and say "Like seriously, you don't even know." Shockingly, she doesn't get the rose she so desires (it goes to Kaitlyn) and Ashley seems to think that this means that Chris thinks she's a slut.
So to prove how unslutty she is, she crawls into his tent at night to tell him she's a nerd and "inexperienced in every way" as she continues to stare into his eyes and, of course, suck face with him as she tells us all that she's "not a hook-up girl."
Side note: I can't wait for the episode where two girls sneak out of their rooms/tents/whatever to "surprise" the Bachelor as he's sleeping at the same exact time. I picture them meeting at the door and playing dumb with each other like they don't know why the other one is there, then calling each other sluts for trying to sneak some extra booty time with the Bachelor. After God knows how many seasons of watching this show, I feel like I'm entitled to produce/direct at least one episode, right?
Now with everyone back at the house, Ashley Kardashian finds out that she's not getting to be the princess, and she is PISSED. How dare they not pick her for this date? Meanwhile, props to ABC for doing all the interviews with Jade while she has absolutely no makeup and looks as plain and ordinary as possible so that the "transformation" once it's over will make her look incredible. Also, SURPRISE! Here's the clips from the new Cinderella movie that inspired the look she's wearing tonight! SHOCKER.
Time for the date, and Chris is nervously practicing his ballroom dancing. Jade shows up and says "Chris is there smiling at me, and I had....like....permasmile all the way down the stairs! Permanent smiles only last for a flight of stairs. Apparently I need to update my personal definition of permanence. Chris and Jade bond over their own respective failed engagements and shared midwesternness. Chris then says the words every girl wants to hear on a date - "My sisters knocked it out of the park. Like FOR REALS." This is totally like a fairy tale! Everyone remembers that scene where Prince Charming leans over and says "damn Cinda-relly, you are totes amazing!" Then we get to watch them dance while watching movie Cinderella dancing and an orchestra plays. Alas, midnight is fast approaching, and our princess has to run away. Will she leave a shoe on the steps? Nope...there's a pre-placed shoe for her to run past. Also, call me crazy, but it seems like he's way more into her than she is into him. Perhaps that's just because she's a normal person and not a psychotic virgin skank or a teen mom or a cruise ship singer that hasn't seen a man her age since the SS Desperation shoved off six months ago, but I'm not getting the vibe that she's head over heels for this guy - not that I blame her. She seems fairly grounded despite being a model. She launched her own cosmetics line, which at least shows she's got a good head on her shoulders.
Group date #2 involves six girls in wedding dresses and a "let's get dirty" date card. Jillian is like that girl in first grade that always wears a football jersey and pouts when her mom makes her wear a skirt for Easter service. Chris thinks that the girls think that they're going to be doing something romantic, clearly forgetting the "let's get dirty" date card that he (allegedly) wrote for them. Nope...they're going to something called Muckfest MS - which is a sort of Tough Mudder race for charity. Whitney, who I was giving the benefit of the doubt as being one of the few smart girls on the show (along with Katilyn and Jade) thinks that "muck" is a combination of mud and smuck, despite not knowing what "smuck" is.
Remember when Carly bested Jillian in the farm Olympics? Apparently, that was the equivalent of Western Oregon beating Oregon State, because Carly tapped out super early on this challenge. She does win quote of the episode when she says "she quit at the big balls, because then she was just offended." Maybe she's the third smart girl? Jillian predictably dominates and thinks she's won, but it's really Becca who wins the date, as Chris spends most of the time on the course walking with her.
And now a quick list that I think sums up this episode:
Things that will win you a rose:
- Having a sense of humor
- Eye contact
- Confidence
- Letting Chris talk about himself
- Not being a skank
Thinks the girls THINK will win you a rose:
- Taking your top off
- Being a virgin
- Laughing hysterically at everything he says
- Drinking milk straight from the goat
- Running really fast
- Talking about yourself constantly and explaining why you're so awesome
Jillian somehow avoided the booty censorship bar on her date, but then spends the entire date talking about herself. Chris says he's thinking about unicorns (why?) and then Jillian asks him if he'd rather have sex with a homeless woman or abstain from sex for five years (hilariously mixed in with her saying "so far it's going really well." Chris then grabs the rose and tells her she's beautiful, and then of course tells her he's not giving her the rose. She of course is devastated and all that confidence that she had while asking him how bad he wants to have sex with the crazy bird lady from Home Alone 2 is gone and she's crying and talking about how nervous she's been all night. Adios, Jillian. I'll miss your rectangular black ass more than you know.
 |
| No Chris, you can't have sex with me. You kissed Ashley Kardashian....I will not be some virgin whore's sloppy seconds. |
Back at the house for the cocktail party, and now that Jillian's gone the girls know that Chris is serious about finding his wife. Time to ratchet up the crazy. Megan's first to board the crazy train, talking about how she wants Chris to know that she's here for him only and then forgetting what she's talking about, and then pulling a blindfold out of her cleavage and feeding him fruit and saying that he can only use three of his five senses despite only hindering his sight. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I have absolutely no clue how she thought that would let him learn anything about her other than that she watched some movie where people had sex on a kitchen floor in front of an open refrigerator.
Challenger #2 for the crazy belt is Ashley Kardashian who still needs to clarify that she is in fact a virgin. Incredibly, it seems she's taking the advice of a girl who was impregnated as a teenager that Chris will find her more attractive because of this. Incredibly, it looks like she may be right, as Chris tells her he is really impressed by her virginity and that he totally respects it. However, at no point has Ashley ever implied that this was her CHOICE. She's played more of the "sex just is something that hasn't happened for me because I'm a big dork that has some sort of comedic mishap every time sexy time is about to happen." Despite her telling him, and him saying he respects it, she then flips out because he didn't make out with her instantly. I wonder why not? Maybe because you just told him he was getting the wrong impression of you and you wanted him to know that you're not a sex crazed hook-up girl?
As her downward spiral of Chris being virginity aware, McKenzie takes it upon herself drag her in front of the rest of the girls like it's some sort of narcotics anonymous meeting and say "this is my friend Ashley, and she's a virgin. She's dealing with it as best she can, and she just really needs your support."
Enter Becca, who is the EXACT OPPOSITE of Ashley. She's the Harvey Dent to Ashley's Two-Face. Becca lets the rest of the group know that she too is a virgin, and in a calm and rational manner, says "it's a choice I made, and it hasn't come up at all, so I haven't told him." Becca is now my favorite. It's the reason in college I didn't walk into parties and tell everyone "hey I don't drink, so DON'T OFFER ME A DRINK!" Becca wins the week.
Britt loses her damn mind (first impression rose syndrome) and pulls Chris aside to chastise him for giving roses girls who take their tops off and telling him that "a lot of girls" thought about going home after the camping date (so, Kelsey) and that she needs to know why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn. Unsurprisingly, Chris is not thrilled with being called a manwhore who is picking his wife based on how drunk/slutty the girl is. So he does what anyone would do:
HE CHASTIZES THE GIRLS AND TELLS THEM TO LEAVE IF THEY DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE'S PICKING A WIFE.
Really? The nice guy just basically said "There's the door if you don't like watching me make out with other women." I'm starting to see a few cracks in the Prince Farming mythology. I see a guy who likes things done his way and doesn't handle criticism well at all. Hope you don't read my blog, Bro!
He then starts handing roses by saying "things are working for me." Basically, "don't question how many times I make you parade around in a bikini and make out with other women in front of you, this process is THE BEST way to find a wife.
The usual suspects get a rose, but also some girl named Samantha who I swear to God I didn't know was on the show. Ashley Kardashian gets the rose - probably because he's hoping she snaps out of her virgin alter ego and goes back to letting him rub her magic belly button and getting a wish wrapped in a tongue.
Hitting the bricks are Mesa Verde, Juelia the widow, and some other girl I don't really recognize (The Bachelor website tells me her name is Nikki). Juelia gets the "you're so special because your husband committed suicide" talk and that he's doing her a favor by sending her home to her daughter. He's really lucky he got meet her and then drops the line every single person loves to hear: "someone will find you someday."
Tune in next week when Kelsey apparently plans some sort of deceptive maneuver to win Chris' heart that involves dressing like a 1950's secretary, only to have her plan thwarted by Ashley Kardashian who thwarts said plan by wearing a dress that would barely fit a fourth grader. Kelsey then apparently sees her plan unraveling before her eyes, so she beats the shit out of herself in the bathroom to the point that she needs medical attention in attempt to get a rose using the "you can't give the girl in the hospital the boot" loophole last used by Tierra (she of the inner sparkle) on Sean's season.
To quote Bart Scott:
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