Are y'all ready for the season to explode? I have no clue what that means, but apparently it involves a "mystery" woman and Kelsey having some sort of mental/physical breakdown.
We're off to Santa Fe, which Chris tells us is the perfect place to fall in love. The girls are not geography majors...Megan says that she's excited to spend time at the "beach resort" and wear sombreros, because she's never been out of the country. Carley and Whitney apparently had some advance warning that this season would be heading to Santa Fe, because they packed their woven Native American garb.
Apparently the Indian dress worked, because Carley gets the one on one date. The date card says "Carley, let's come together....."
I'll let you make the joke, because it's just too easy.
Carley and Chris head to an abandoned house....which I learned in Breaking Bad is probably a bad thing to enter in New Mexico. Not to fear, there's a witch doctor lady named Tziporah meditating by an infinity pool in the backyard. Tziporah! I love the juxtaposition of this lady who apparently studies ancient mystic love arts, yet lives in a hypermodern house with an infinity pool and an electric outdoor grill. But hey, she's wearing feather earrings, so she must be authentic right? I'll bet her real name is Tina. What a quack.
Unfortunately the rain drives them indoors. Tina burns some sage and tells them to fell their nervous energy, then has them sit back to back and moan. This segues into Tina telling them that sexuality and spirituality are not mutually exlusive. and then tells Carley to blindfold Chris and then goes full on into directing them in low-budget scene from Fifty Shades of Grey. "Touch him like you haven't ever touched a body before." Tina's really getting into this, and now she wants do a "disrobing" which symbolizes them removing their walls and the tension between them. Tina is super creepy, and I honestly feel terrible for Chris and Carley.
When it comes time to take the pants off, Carley and Chris call a time-out, and Tina says "Why don't we keep the pants on and talk?" BRILLIANT FIRST DATE ADVICE! Unfreakingbelievably, Chris and Carley seem to think that somehow having a horny senior citizen direct them in a Showtime After Dark movie has made them come closer together. I'm dumbfounded - Tina then has Carley sit on his lap and breathe all over his face. Hope he's immunized, because I bet those cruise ships she sings on are just little measles colonies.
Back at the ranch, Kelsey is telling people about her husband dying - she's like "he just collapsed and died. It's called congestive heart failure, and that's life!" The girls are creeped out about how nonchalant Kelsey's being about the whole thing, and frankly so am I. I am more animated and upset when telling people about the time I waited in line for thirty minutes at Baskin Robbins on "Free Scoop Day" and then bumped into somebody in the parking lot and my free scoop fell on the asphalt. That happened 13 years ago, and I'm still bitter. Her husband died less than two years ago. But hey, that's life!
Of course, Kelsey doesn't wrangle the one-on-one date, and in her mind this is due to the fact that these fake whores she's living with are throwing themselves at her beloved Chris who she hasn't spent more than a few hours with in the past five weeks. Methinks we're about to see a reprise of pouty Kelsey from the camping trip last week. Can I get another outdoor date please?
Back from the break, and we get to see the thrilling conclusion of their date, where Carley talks about how awful the date was, but Chris' uncomfortableness and squeezing of her hand carried her through the date. The both agree that softcore porn was more of a date seven experience, which.....man I'm a prude. Carley then tells Chris that her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her, which is strange. Even stranger is why she would stay with him. The no touching thing usually doesn't come until like year 15 of the marriage, right? Carley goes on to say that closeness and intimacy is what she fears the most, because it could be taken away from her. Yes, because going back to a cruise ship with a bunch of octogenarians sounds like a much better idea.
Chris goes on to say that he's insecure because Iowa sucks. Seriously, he blames all his shortcomings and faults in this process on the fact that he's afraid someone is going to get to Iowa and be so disgusted that they will dump him. HOW BAD IS IOWA? They apparently have reached some common ground on how uncomfortable they were stripping for Tina and how they both hate themselves deep down or something. Carley gets the rose.
Group date time! The them of this date is "rapidly falling in love" so yeah, it's an outdoor date! Woo hoo for pouty Kelsey! Megan apparently thinks that the Rio Grande is the River Hades or something, full of alligators and dead bodies. Then the "river guide" pops up to tell them every single worst case scenario, as if they're sending them some class 5 rapids or something. Jade fell into the water, which apparently is a problem because she goes into hypothermia at "normal temperatures." Fortunately Chris is ready to rub her feet, which annoys Kelsey to no end. She needs to yell about how nobody's going to rub her feet because she's fine. First off, I'm sure if you asked for a foot rub, you'd get it. Second, you're clearly not fine, because your eyes are getting wider by the second and the words that are coming out of your mouth are starting to make you sound like a murderer. Also, apparently McKenzie likes to get her butt rubbed. Because of course she does.
Time for the after rafter party, and Whitney brilliantly says "time is the most important thing in this process, because if you don't get time, you can't start a relationship." Thanks Whitney. But wait....mystery girl is here. It's Jordan the drunk twerker from week 2 that was obsessed with Jillian's butt. In fairness, ABC seemed obsessed with her butt too. Jordan says "I'm not going to bother you, I just wanted to talk to you." That would be bothering him, Jordan. He's got prior engagements, lady. Chris says that the Jordan he saw a few weeks ago is not the same girl he sees before him here. Incredibly, Chris makes the completely illogical decision to walk her into the group of ladies arm-in-arm. Essentially Jordan just took a ride on the Reading and passed go to collect her $200. Now we're to the point where all the girls get to say "apparently Chris isn't sure about any of us, so he's rethinking everything."
Ashley I is either wearing a very short dress or a very long shirt and no pants. While she explains why Jordan is not the right girl for her, the rest of the girls get to grill Jordan. Whitney tells her "I'm really happy to see you...." as she looks anywhere but at Jordan. The rest of the girls let Chris know how disappointed they are in his decision, which is blatantly a "stir the pot" option. I'll be very, very surprised if Jordan is still around next week. Ashley decides that it's time to be a mean girl and yell at Jordan. Ashley's trying to rally the girls to sharpen their pitchforks, but nobody's really joining her lynch mob, which of course makes her angrier. My guess is Kelsey is secretly picturing Jordan's head on the end of her pitchfork, but she does a better job of hiding her true murderous intentions.
Britt is the only remaining girl, so it's obvious she's getting the last date card, but of course it's a 'sky's the limit' date, and Britt immediately breaks into tears because she's so scared of heights. This means a lot of crying and talking about how terrified she is before she either jumps and praises Chris for giving her the strength to overcome her fears or that Chris tells her it's ok to back out and she praises him for not pressuring her into doing something that made her uncomfortable.
Chris has come back to his senses and is sending Jordan home. I'm pretty convinced that Jordan is only back here because she was the only girl that had been kicked off that was within comfortable driving distance of Santa Fe. Seriously, how'd she even know they were in Santa Fe? Who's the leak?
Becca has a lot of respect for Chris because he sent home the girl he'd already sent home. Never mind the part where he dragged a retread back into the fray and paraded her around in front of them like a dog at the Westminster Kennel Club...he is a REAL MAN. The real man goes on to talk about how he's excited about his potential with Whitney in front of everyone else and gives her the rose. Chris then says "well this was fun" and then leaves. Does this ever happen? Where Chris drops off the rose and then skedaddles to let the girls fight it out?
Ashley I continues her rage against every girl that's not McKenzie, calling Whitney fake. This from the virgin who acts slutty while wearing hair extensions and aspiring to look like either Jasmine or Cinderella or Kim Kardashian...basically anyone except herself. She better thank her lucky genie lap belly ring that she's still around, because I bet her time is coming to an end.
Chris breaks into the girls room to wake Britt up for their date, which I'm pretty sure is going to be a hot air balloon ride. Chris is amazed that Britt looks the same at 4:30 am as she does when she's all dolled up for a rose ceremony, which, you know, is because she wears makeup to bed. Doesn't that get all over her pillow? Then they get ready with all the quiet gracefulness that your college roommate and his girlfriend had when they stumbled home from the bar drunk to make out while loudly shushing each other and saying "you'll wake him up!" in their outdoor voices.
Turns out it is a hot air ballon ride and, wouldn't you know it, Britt feels so safe in Chris' arms. How the girl with a fear of heights so intense that she cries when a card has the word "air" on it is ok standing in a floating wicker basket is beyond me. Back at the hotel, Britt and Chris are chilling in his room, while the girls sit around a talk smack about Britt. Ashley randomly throws out that she doesn't want to have kids and that she loves being single. Why is it that the cameras never catch these "shocking" confessions? Carley is having trouble being the last girl to have a one on one date and then getting shushed, while Britt and Chris have a fully clothed roll in the sheets.
Time for the rose ceremony, and Kelsey is really frustrated. How is this girl a guidance counselor? I hope to god she loses her job because of this show. She's determined to tell Chris about her past. Kelsey makes sure to tell Chris that the other girls don't know she's there. Kelsey's dead husband was apparently named Sanderson Poe, which I want to make fun of, but he's dead, so Sanderson Poe gets a pass. I will make fun of him...nevermore. Kelsey on the other hand, then tells the cameras that her story is amazing. Tragic, but amazing. She loves being a widow. Clearly the best time to share a first kiss is right after you tell people how happy you are that your husband died. Sanderson, buddy, you don't deserve this. Also, the chances that she's a murderer just went up. A husband that died under unusual circumstances? A grieving widow that isn't so much grieving as she is basking in the glow of appearing to be a grieving widow? Hmmm....
The girls are all freaking out....except for Whitney, Britt and Carley of course. Well, they're at least pretending to be tense. Kelsey, on the other hand, is joking around and smiling ear to ear. She played the dead husband card, and she doesn't think anything can trump that. Brilliantly, Chris leads off his time with the girls by spilling Kelsey's beans and letting the other girls know that he talked to her, then he freaks and leaves the girls to grill Kelsey. Harrison, who has been stealing money from ABC this season, appears for his twelve seconds of airtime by saying "you alright Chris? What happened in there?"
The girls get to talk to Kelsey who lays out the improbable scenario that she was going to tell the girls at the cocktail party that she spent time with Chris. We're supposed to believe that she was going to clink her champagne flute and announce that she snuck off to Chris' room? She then says that "every day is a gift" and that she's "sad that she has to say goodbye to people." But oh no, not because she's going home, because she's confident she's staying. As if she knows who's going home and who isn't. She's all of a sudden morphed into that annoying person that feels that because of her life experiences she's somehow superior to everyone else. I didn't see that coming.
Chris is still wandering around outside the hotel lobby looking at constellations or something. He sends Harrison in to lower the boom that nobody's getting any one-on-one time because Chris has his mind made up. ABC is playing these girls like fiddles. They start talking about how important one-on-one time is, and ABC yanks it. Now the girls somehow seem to think that Chris is looking for someone with a sad story to marry. Silly girls. He's not here looking for someone to make him cry. He's looking for someone with a great rack who thinks he's the greatest person in the world.
Suddenly, Kelsey on the ground by the drinking fountains having a panic attack. Fortunately, there's a paramedic with a full medical kit on hand who just happens to be getting a drink of water AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. Come the hell on, ABC. Between Megan pretending not to know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico, and Kelsey going from super confident to sobbing so hard that she needs medical attention in five minutes, you're really putting the "fake" in reality TV. Even I can't suspend my reality that far.
To be continued.....
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