Really, I don't need to write anything else. I'm going to, but I don't need to.
Ben talks up Jamaica as the best place to fall in love, but at this point, you can totally tell that he's just saying it because he has to. The show is starting to show the weight of its twenty seasons just a bit, and this is one of the biggest ways. I think the show could spice things up just a little bit by dropping a few of the cliches....lose the "perfect place to fall in love," "love is like (insert activity here)" analogies, and maybe tone back the "girl has been holding something back and hasn't opened up or let her guard down" nonsense.
Caila gets the first date, and it's basically the Little Mermaid experience: a secluded boat ride, no talking at all, with a Jamaican dude along for the ride getting frustrated that nothing is happening. Tell me you didn't expect that raft guide to turn around and say "kiss de gurl!"
Up next is Lauren. He says his biggest problem is that she's too beautiful, and he doesn't feel like he's good enough for her. The release some turtles into the wild. They take in a reggae band. Ben tells Lauren she's too good for him. She tells him I love you. He says "I love you, too. I've known I love you for weeks." She cries. This is groundbreaking stuff for The Bachelor. Never before has ILY been said before the final rose. They go to the fantasy suite. Stuff happens. How do we know stuff happens? Because ABC makes a point to show us a close up shot of Lauren's dress crumpled up on the floor next to the bed as they make out over breakfast. Can you imagine being Lauren's parents, or little brothers? You've probably got friends over watching with you, because your daughter/sister is a bonafide TV star for the past ten weeks, and you get to see her dress in a wad by the side of the bed? I wouldn't be surprised if everyone got up and started dancing like there was some insane dunk at some inner city playground.
JoJo's up last, and before the date, Ben makes sure to tell us that, if he's not sure he's in love with JoJo by the end of the date, he's got to send her home. Ya think? They take a helicopter to a waterfall. JoJo wears a bikini that almost makes me want to say "I love you" to her myself. So, yeah, I'm not surprised when Ben reciprocates her profession of love. JoJo's brain breaks for a second:
Best. What? Ever. #TheBachelor https://t.co/MBLgZ9zzIM— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) March 1, 2016
They head to the fantasy suite. Stuff (probably) happens.
At this point we can recap Ben's thought processes here. We know he didn't think he was in love with Caila leading up to the date, despite saying that he had the "deepest relationship" with her. We also know that he's been in love with Lauren "for weeks." Again, his words. Leaving JoJo out of it, he slept with Caila knowing that he was already in love with Lauren. And that's only if the dates actually happened in the order they aired. If he actually went on the date with Lauren or JoJo before the date with Caila....that's some cold blooded stuff.
Now let's throw JoJo in. He knows he's in love with Lauren. He knows she's in love with him. He knows he's not in love with Caila. He apparently thinks he might be in love with JoJo, and he's willing to jeopardize what he has with Lauren for a chance to find love with JoJo? What kind of gambling is this? When you've got a sure thing, you need to push away from the table, bro. It's absolutely mind boggling to me that he'd push his luck with JoJo when it's pretty clear he's been head over heels for Lauren since at least that night in Mexico where he wandered all over town with her while the other girls sat by the pool watching Jubilee self destruct. This guy is an idiot. I mean, I get that JoJo is beautiful and looks pretty amazing in a bikini, but is it really worth it?
Back to the show, Ben realizes he has to tell Caila. AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, Caila comes bounding up behind him like some sort of extra in a Caribbean production of Bambi and surprises him, to tell him she loves him (again) and squeeze a couple extra minutes with him out of this show before the rose ceremony. He dumps her and says "he's told two women he loved them, but he wasn't quite there with her." She's upset, and wants to know if he knew this before he took her on a date and let her tell him she loved him and let him do naughty stuff to her in the fantasy suite. He plays stupid and says he wasn't decided on anything until this week, but that's bullshit because he told Lauren he's known for weeks. So he's lying to someone....probably himself mostly. See ya on the Bachelorette in a few months, Caila.
Rose ceremony time, and Lauren and JoJo size each other up. This is the best rose ceremony I think I've ever seen. Both women are entirely confident that they've already won this thing. Ben tells us that he "doesn't want to hurt either woman." Again, he's lying, because he has every opportunity to tell these girls that he's in love with them both and to bear with him while he makes the decision, but he conveniently leaves that out. JoJo makes a toast "to love and meeting Ben's family" as she stares down Lauren like she's some sort of speed bump she's about to run over. Lauren for the first time looks like "maybe Ben isn't telling me everything here."
This is going to end so badly, you guys. I can't wait!
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