The show starts off on a somber note, acknowledging the death of Eric, who of course was an amazing person who never did anything wrong in his life that everyone loved unconditionally, as it is with all people who die too young. I'll bet Donald Sterling would've gotten a flowery send-off if he'd kicked the bucket in his twenties too.
Let's recap Andi's job. She's a federal prosecutor who loves her job...loves putting the bad guys away. She's on the streets taking pictures of graffiti and she loves it! So naturally, she's quitting to be a three month celebrity. This seems like the most awful idea ever. Somehow, her parents seem excited about this. Their daughter just quit her job to go on what can only be described as a three month long spring break for young professionals. "Next time I come home, I'll be bringing two guys!" she says, as her dad dies a little bit inside.
Andi seems a little TOO excited to be the bachelorette in my opinion. She's just a little too pleased with herself in these little vignettes. When we come back from break - the dudes! Oh, and also a stalker. Oh ABC, we're resorting to crazy made-up storylines to drum up drama ten minutes into the season? Woo hoo!
I love how Andi feels like "this is crazy." She's already gone through all this! She knows what happens on this show. Literally how could you be overwhelmed? She's worried about how the guys are going to respond to her....despite all the guys come into the show knowing who the girl is. Fortunately, her sister is here to advise her to kiss as many dudes as possible or something. Andi's sister is "so proud" of her to be on this show. It's not like there's a whole lot of qualifications to being the bachelorette other than being attractive and outgoing.
Let's meet the guys: Wait, no introductory videos of the guys? How am I supposed to make a knee jerk over judgmental reaction on these bros? The cliché train is in full effect as Andi reiterates how "amazing" and "crazy" it is to be here and how "her husband could be in one of those limos." All we need is a "right reasons" reference and she's hit for the cycle!
The guys pull up and one describes her smile as "devastating." I suppose this is a compliment, but devastating would also describe Hurricane Katrina or Elin Nordegren picking up Tiger's cell phone that night in November 2009 (that was five years ago already?) Marcus says "you look amazing. I have a lot to give and offer." That's it buddy? Good luck. Chris, the farmer from Iowa is next. I've never seen a farmer with hair like that. JJ's rocking the bowtie and is excited to be starting this "love quest." NEXT. Marquel is rocking a pretty loud pink checkerboard shirt, but he doesn't seem as confident as his attire applies. Up next is some dude who brought a lock and wants to pretend they are in Paris. Cody shows up in a tight white t-shirt and decides to impress her by pushing the limo, pretending it broke down. He's a complete meathead who, not surprisingly, is a personal trainer by trade. NEXT. Rudie is up next, and as an attorney, goes with some arts and crafts project that looks like a 4th grader made it. I'm sure it's one of those things that sounded great in his head (she's an attorney, I'm an attorney.......this will be GREAT!) but it didn't seem to make its mark. Next up is a long haired doctor with a big smile and horrible jokes. Further proof that most doctors have horrible people skills. Patrick hops out with a soccer ball and reminds us that Juan Pablo was an asshole. It seems that he may be getting the Voldemort treatment (he shall not be named!) Amal's icebreaker is "my name's like "anal" with an M." Another bow-tied dude shows up with a lamp he stole from the hotel. Quirky, and probably effective if you're trying to sleep with a girl tonight (he's fun and spontaneous!) but it's probably not going to land you a spouse.
Craig blows out some champagne and says he's a hugger. That guy's going home early. Smooth Ron from Israel shows up, and immediately tells Andi what's what. "I'm going to get a drink and we'll talk later." It wasn't a suggestion, it was a demand. Smooth Ron is very smooth. Not as smooth is Bradley, who kicks over a plant or something on his way into the mansion. Nick the pro golfer shows up in a golf cart. Coach Brian is up next but his game plan is a little weak - act like you don't know how to tie a tie and say how happy you are that she was the bachelorette. Mike the Bartender looks a little too much like Doctor Bad Jokes....never thought that the bartender and doctor would cancel each other out. Next up is the dead guy, and holy crap he's charming. He starts talking about travelling the world and gives her some Peruvian dolls given to him by a girl in the Andes (get it!) mountains. Sweet Jesus, how do you follow that? He's an EXPLORER!! Well, if you're Josh, you say "hey I'm a pro baseball player and I just moved to Atlanta, so we're like already neighbors." Strong play....move to her hometown before the show starts. Why don't more people do this? You know who you're going to be vying for, why not move to their location and eliminate the whole "where are we going to live if we end up together" conflict? Strong play, Josh.
Lots of hoots and whistles from the guys as she walks in. Now she knows what it's like to be a stripper at a private party. Congrats, Andi. Andi says she feels it - that the love of her life is in the room. She follows that up with "I'm not sure who it is though." Yikes. Josh keeps the cliché train rolling, saying "my mom loves you." Marquel has a passion for cookies, and I'm loving how excited he is about this. You go Marquel!!
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| Come to Papa!!! |
Outside we get the reveal of our stalker - and is that Chris, the most un-athletic yet in-shape guy of all time? Guess we'll have to wait - because Opera Guy is showing off his pipes. Meanwhile Andrew and Patrick discover that they'd rather give each other roses than Andi. Seriously, did they move closer to each other on the couch when lustily discussing Formula 1 race car drivers? Chris Harrison confirms that Chris B. is in fact our stalker. Harrison tries to play it off like Chris B. was so taken by Andi that he has to meet her. Harrison says "how did you even know we were filming today?" Chris B. says "I didn't, that's why I've been out here for seven days!" So he's been driving up to the mansion every day for a week dressed up with flowers? I don't buy it at all. I also don't buy that he's so in love with Andi that he has to meet her. This is all about getting his name buzzing on Twitter again. It's really sad that some of these contestants become so consumed by the show that they literally cannot separate themselves from the character they are on TV. He can no longer be Chris. He HAS to be Chris the guy who was on Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad. Poor guy.
Hip Farmer says he grows "corn and soybeans and feeds animals and stuff." Andi pretends to be interested in farming, but the extent of her enthusiasm is that she "likes outdoor space." Wonder how she likes sitting in a John Deere 5950 when the AC goes out and the radio only gets one country station? Because that's FARMING.
Frist impression rose actually goes to Nick, who apparently has some sort of connection with Andi. Nick seems as dumbfounded as I am about this. Now it's time to get real and send home some guys who really never had a chance. JJ the "pantsapreneur" is worried, but I wouldn't be if I was him. He's a pantsapreneur! We don't know what in the hell that is, so I have to assume that at some point during the show they will explain why they gave him that occupation. He'll be safe. Other guys I hope are safe are Smooth Ron and Cookie Monster. The two Formula One bros can go....I'm sure they'll have a great first date at the race track.
Andi choses to keep Nick (duh), JJ (told you!), Dead Guy Eric (sympathetic front runner), Cookie Monster (C is for Marquel!), Champagne poppin' Craig (why?), Tasos (speaks a foreign language), Josh the Atlanta baseball player, Coach Brian, Opera Singing Brad, Marcus (also speaks a foreign language), Andrew the Race Car Bro, Smooth Ron (oh yeah), Carl (?), Hip Farmer Chris, Dylan another mystery man, Brett the Lamp Stealer, Patrick the Race Car Bro (Andrew will be so happy!), Cody the Meathead Car Pusher, and Nick the golf dude. Gone are the bartender and doctor (they did cancel each other out!), the surfer bro, Anal Amal, our dorky attorney (who doesn't get that if she wanted an attorney, she could've just stayed at her job in Atlanta), and Josh B. who is mad that he's talking to the camera instead of up there with all the other guys. Josh B. is SUPER BITTER. Wow. That was one unhappy camper. Also feel bad for Dr. Long Hair, who exited with the super depressing line "Well, I'm not going home to much...." Poor guy.
Coming up on this season: Lots of macho posturing and #ManTears! It's never quite the fairytale these ladies think it's going to be, is it?
Think that if Eric didn't open his mouth about Andi being an actress and having a poker face he just might still be alive today. I think he would have been one of the last four standing, as Andi was smitten by him, and he was the one to walk off the show. I think when he was waiting for his cab, the cameras were on him and he was posing like he was a model for the camera (calling the kettle black). I feel bad that he died, and he died after leaving the show. I think it was unfair of ABC and Chris Harrison to put Andi on the spot and on a guilt trip about Eric's death. After all the show is all about Andi the bachelorette. Although I think it was a bad idea for Andi to quit her job to find love, I don't think she is being an actress, and I respect her for not putting up with any garbage from men, remember Juan Pablo?
ReplyDeleteWhat a jerk. I think it was very disrespectful when Eric pulled Andi aside to tell her she was acting and having a poker face. If any creepy person said that to me male or female whether they were a friend or an acquaintance I would drop them too. I hope Andi is engaged and happy and shouldn't be forced to feel bad about Eric's death. He was a contestant on a show and was eliminated, and he died doing what he loved. RIP Eric.