At this point, my relationship with DirecTV is starting to resemble an Eminem song. My love for DirecTV burned so hot initially, that despite the obvious flaws in DirecTV's character, I'm unwilling to end the relationship, and would rather murder it than set it free. It's unhealthy. Today might have been the last straw. I might just tie my DirecTV to the bed and set the house on fire.
I woke up this morning, and like I've been doing most days this summer, fired up the Wii to watch an episode of Lost on Netflix. When the episode was over, I went to shut everything off, but noticed that when I turned the TV off, the DirecTV receiver didn't shut off as it normally does when you hit the "all off" button on the remote. After trying a couple times to shut it off, I assumed that the box had frozen (as it does from time to time) and went to unplug it. Before doing so, I manually tried to shut the receiver off. The button on the box worked, so now I know something is screwy with my remote. I knew it wasn't the batteries, because it was still working for the TV. I tried switching it to the DVD mode, but it wouldn't control that either. That's when I noticed that the screen said "This button only works in DirecTV mode. Your remote is in TV mode." So basically the little toggle thingy that switches what device the remote uses is broken and will only control the TV regardless of what position it's actually in. So I call DirecTV. Here's a rough transcript of the conversation. DirecTV's comments are in Blue, Mine are in Black, and what I was thinking but didn't actually say is in Red.
Automated Voice (AV): Thank you for calling DirecTV. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no
Me: Yes.
AV: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble understanding you. Let's try again. Are you currently a subscriber? Say yes or no.
Me: YES.
AV: I'm still not getting this. Let's try using your phone. Press one if you are a current subscriber (I push one). Great! I have your phone number as 541-926-8257. If this is the number associated with the account, please press one. (I do again). Great! Now please tell me why you are calling.
Me: My remote no longer works.
AV: You are having problems with your remote. Usually remote problems can be solved by following a few simple steps. Would you like to try?
Me (wondering why it could understand my remote statement but not "YES"): Sure
AV: Have you changed the batteries in your remote recently?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to try now?
Me: No
AV: Ok, Does the remote work in DVD mode?
Me: No
AV: Would you like to reprogram your remote?
Me: No
AV: Please hold
(At this point I'm transferred to an actual person, whom we will call AP)
AP: Thanks for calling DirecTV, may I have the phone number associated with this account?
Me (wondering why she needs this, when the computer already had it): 541-926-8257
AP: Andy Lasselle?
Me: Yes, that's me.
AP: Thank you for being a long time customer, Mr. Lasselle, what can I do for you?
Me: The little switch on the remote that changes what device is controlled is broken, so I need a new remote.
AP: Ok, and what makes you think that?
Are you serious? I took the time out of my day to call you because I'm having a problem, and you're doubting my reason for calling?
Me: Well, it will still control the TV, but nothing else, regardless of where the toggle switch is located.
AP: Ok sir, well have you tried manually pressing the guide button on the receiver?
Me: No, but I tried the power button on the receiver, and that responded
AP: But you didn't try the guide button?
No, because the power button works, so obviously the box is still working. Why would I try every button on the thing?
Me: Nope. I will try it now though. Yep, it works.
AP: Ok, and what happens if you try to change the channel
Me: I get a message saying that this button only works in DirecTV mode and my remote is currently in TV mode.
AP: But you're saying that the remote is in DirecTV mode?
Me: Yes
AP: So the toggle switch is all the way to the left?
Really? I've been a subscriber for two and half years, you really don't think I know what position DirecTV mode is by this point? Really?
Me: Yes.
AP: Ok, it sounds like your remote is broken. So glad we had this entire conversation to end up exactly where we were five minutes ago when you answered the phone and asked what my problem is. I can order you a replacement remote. That will be $15.
Me: Wait, I have to pay for this?
AP: Yes sir, it will be reflected on your next bill
Me: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to pay this. I've had to replace two boxes from you guys, now I have to replace a remote, and you want me to pay for it? I'm thinking I'm going to just switch my service provider instead.
AP: Well sir, I looks here like you don't have the protection plan on your account
Me: That's because I don't have a protection plan. Why in the hell would I pay $5/month for protection against a $15 remote? Do they break more than once every 3 months? A replacement box is $50, do those break more than once every 10 months? If either of those statements are true, then I never should've signed on with you guys in the first place, you freaking swindlers!
AP: Well sir, then you will have to purchase the remote.
Me: Well, I'm not going to do that at this time. I'm going to discuss with my wife if we want to change providers, and will be in touch with you.
AP: Alright sir, is there anything else I can do for you today?
I was honestly surprised that they didn't just send me a free remote at this point. If they're really willing to risk losing our $80/month over a $15 remote, I'm inclined to let them, even if it means paying Comcast slightly more a month for the same service.
Me: Nope. I think you've done enough today
AP: Alright Mr. Lasselle, you have a good day, and thank you for choosing DirecTV
I wish you could see the double middle fingers I'm giving the phone right now lady.
At this point, I should say again that I'm not really upset with the lady that answered the phone. It's not her fault that the remote broke. It's not her fault that she has to ask for $15. It's not her fault that I'm going to have to call back, say I want to cancel my service, then listen to them ask why, tell them because I don't want to pay $15 for a freaking remote, then have them make some bargain to keep me stay which will most likely work, and then everything is fine until something else breaks. I really want to figure out a way to start my own telecommunications company that charges per channel, and people can hand pick every single channel they want, and say screw the rest. I'm not even interested in making money....as long as I broke even, I'd be happy that other people were happy. I hate the fact that in this country, every business touts their customer service to your face while slipping a hand into your pocket to steal a few dimes. It's crap, and I detest it. If my wife treated me the way television service providers do, I'd have probably left a long time ago. And I'm not giving her $80 a month to stick around. It's absurd. Why do I put up with this bull crap?
Problem is that I love TV. It's right behind family, friends, Costco hot dogs and Pepsi on my list of things that I love. It might be above Costco hot dogs, although it's close. Plus, I know that I'm choosing the lesser of two evils if I switch back to Comcast. Actually, I might be choosing the greater of two evils if I go that way. I'm so screwed. I'm not saying I condone Eminem's lyrics, but I understand how he's feeling now.
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