THE BACHELORETTE
Is it possible to have two "guy has a girlfriend back home" episodes in the same season? Having never watched The Bachelorette before, I thought it was highly unlikely that the producers dropped the ball on two contestants. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they knew that Ali had this irrational fear of guys not being honest with her, so they let these two guys on knowing that it'd wreck her emotionally and they'd be there with cameras rolling. Ali is kind of like Cameron Diaz for me in that she's an "on paper" girl. If you wrote out her characteristics and features on a piece of paper, she'd look like an ideal girlfriend. Attractive, energetic, intelligent, motivated, etc. All good qualities, with only minor negative ones (the insecurity thing). Yet, for whatever reason, I can't stand her. I think it's the "world revolves around me" vibe she gives off, which isn't entirely her fault. After all, ABC did make a show about her dating 25 guys and then proceeded to fly her all over the world. I can see how that'd go to your head.
Which brings me to Frank and his decision to leave the show to be with his (ex) girlfriend back home. I expected this episode to be the crown jewel in Frank's mission to be the biggest douche ever. He's spent the entire series saying one thing and acting in an entirely opposite manner. I was attributing this to some clever editing by the ABC folks, but maybe it's because he actually wasn't that interested in ending up with Ali from the get-go. Don't get me wrong, Frank still is a douche, but I actually ended up siding more with him after the episode.
Ali had a right to be pissed at Frank for not being up front with her about his feelings for the ex, but he was absolutely right in saying that he would've been roseless at a ceremony immediately following that nugget of info. It's perfectly reasonable to be interested in two girls at the same time...even more than interested. So it makes sense that he wouldn't want to jeopardize his relationship with either girl until he knew what he wanted to do. Makes perfect sense to me. Ali's made a big deal about "risking everything for love" this season. Well the word risk by its very definition means that it's not a sure thing. You might get hurt. Frank chose another girl and she got hurt.
At this point, Ali goes into this long monologue about how, at a minimum, she expected these guys to be 100% committed to her. Where does she get off saying this when she spends what looks like 8 straight hours making out with Roberto in a heart shaped lagoon one day, then swim-humps Chris clear across an oyster filled beach the next? To say nothing of the fact that she made the comment that she was "so sure" that Frank was going to meet her family, which means that either Chris or Roberto was going to be eliminated. So don't get on your high horse Ms. Fedotowsky, and act like you're the first person to get lied to on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. You've been lying to the guys all season. You can't tell me that she doesn't have an idea of who she's going to eliminate before going on dates each week. You never see her say "I gotta tell you Chris, you're running a solid third right now. You really gotta show me something this week, or you're going home." No, instead she invites multiple guys to fantasy suites for "alone time."
Maybe Frank just leveraged his time on the Bachelorette to force his ex to realize her feelings for him and commit. If so, it might be the most extravagant ploy in the history of dating. In any event, I came away feeling worse for Frank having to tell a girl on camera that he loved someone else and then sit there while she cries, knowing anything that comes out of his mouth is going to make him sound even worse, forcing him to sit there like a statue while she rails about how he's the biggest jerk she's ever met. Apparently she forgot about the Canadian wrestler who was involved with two women up north and was only on the show to promote his non-existent career. Clearly Frank was a bigger jerk than him.
THE CLIENT LIST
In defense of my manhood, the previews for this movie showed a scantily clad Jennifer Love Hewitt talking with a bad southern accent. This is like one of my adolescent fantasies come to life. In prosecution of my manhood, it was on Lifetime, a channel that bills itself as "television for women." We'll call it a draw. In any event, I was beyond excited for this one. You can never make too many "I was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons" movies.
The movie followed your typical storyline: Family is broke, mom takes a job as a masseuse only to find out she's actually taken a job as a whore, quits, can't pay for gas on the way home, begs for the prostitute position back, becomes the most successful hooker in Texas, nobody questions how a masseuse can make so much money, becomes so tired from having sex umpteen times a day that she has to turn to cocaine to help her daughter with her bake sale, relationships fray, cops eventually crack down and her life turns to shambles. Seen it a thousand times.
What happened after the inevitable fall from grace was so ridiculous that it instantly became my favorite Lifetime movie of all time, narrowly edging out the movie about the pregnancy pact at the high school and the one where the lesser known Duff sister is a nanny for a family that is murdered and her brother is framed for it. The moral of this movie seemed to be that it's ok to become a cocaine addicte hooker so long as you have a photographic memory and are willing to rat out your clientele for a reduced jail sentence. It also helps to have a best friend who is a lawyer. Oh, and you'll be able to quit cocaine cold turkey. And all the wives of men you slept with will forgive you, as long as you show them some "tricks of the trade" to reignite their relationships with their hooker-using husbands. Sure, your husband will leave you and take the kids, but if you share a birthday with your youngest daughter, he will forgive you at her birthday party because, hey, it's your birthday too, and it's easy to forgive someone on their birthday.
And now, Andy's random thoughts on marriage, brought to you by The Client List.
- Clear major life decisions with your spouse. You wouldn't buy a new car without checking with your husband first, so don't become a hooker without clearing it with him either.
- Joint checking accounts. Get 'em. That way your husband can't go see a hooker.
- Don't ignore warning signs. If your wife's a masseuse that works in until midnight, she might be a hooker. If your wife starts losing weight, has violent mood swings, and develops dark circles around her eyes, she might be a hooker addicted to cocaine. Don't ignore these things just because she bought you a motorcycle and paid off your mortgage as the world's most expensive masseuse.
- If the word "prostitution" comes up in your marriage, you need to get a divorce. Unless you've gone through rule one. If everyone's on board with the prostitution, then it's ok. But if your husband is secretly visiting a prostitute, that's not his way of saying your relationship needs help. If your wife is an actual prostitute who hid it from you for two years, there is no circumstance where you could ever trust her again. Get out.
- Do not consult a prostitute for relationship advice. Very, very bad idea all the way around.
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