Bachelor 2018, Week 2: Bumper Car Trauma

They should never air this show on the same night as the national championship. It just sucks.

Arie is riding a motorcycle as the girls talk about how much of a hunk he is. Harrison hypes the girl up and they girls giggle uncontrollably as he whips the date card out of his back pocket.

Do the Damn Thing Becca gets the first one on one! I'm 0-1 on my fantasy picks (I had Annaliese.) Arie and Becca ride off into the California foothills on his motorcycle. Back at the house, Chelsea says she loves the adrenaline of putting herself behind something that might be a little more powerful than her. I immediately picture her at a gun range getting all geeked as she fires round after round into a dummy as she pictures whatever person had the misfortune of getting on her bad side that day. Chelsea scares the shit out of me.

Not to be outdone though, Krystal goes full Debbie Downer, saying that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and that she's seen "a lot of people who were killed or lost body parts." That wouldn't stop her from going on the motorcycle, mind you....but she would have to pull Arie aside to let him know about these hundreds of dismembered motorcyclists that she's come across. "It's probably a good thing he didn't pick you then" one girl quips, and I instantly like her more even though I can't remember her name (I think it's Sienne, like the minivan only cooler).

Becca's date consists of a trip to try on dresses with celebrity designer Rachel Zoe, who I had to google because I'd never heard of her. I saw a tweet earlier today where she thanked Arie for having her on the show, but I assumed she was like a Lifetime Channel reality show host or something. Turns out she's got more followers than there are residents in the state of Oregon, and she is kind of a big deal. Becca says that Minnesotans don't have days like this very often, and I don't know how to break it to her that celebrity designers don't personally select your dress for your first date with a minor celebrity in Oregon or Texas or New York all that often either.

Arie then gives her a pair of Louboutins and Neil Lane sends some random guy with a case full of jewelry to complete the ensemble. Every man in the world is like "I once had a pair of Jordans that came in a case like that." As a guy who would rather wear a hoodie and Chuck Taylors, I never understand the allure of putting a $3,000 pair of shoes on. Walking on a couple mortgage payments seems like a bad idea.

Even better, ABC sends her back to the mansion to show off all the swag that Arie didn't buy her (ABC picked up the tab). The girls are way more jealous of the fact that she got dresses and shoes than that she spent time with Arie. At dinner, Becca says she spent "seven years on and off" in a relationship. Arie asks what made it a seven year relationship, and it's because he was dating her when her dad died of brain cancer. I don't know what the percentage of people in their 20's whose fathers have passed away, but according to The Bachelor, roughly 50% of the country is fatherless or orphaned before they can rent a car.

Krystal gets the next one on one, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Becca got a motorcycle ride, Krystal gets a private jet. Arie's taking her to Scottsdale. Krystal is loving getting the tour of Arie's first job at Pizza Hut, his first kiss under some trees on side of a random street (really, Arie?) and Arie spent a lot of time in the principal's office. Such a bad boy. Arie has a bunch of photos of him as a child and old videos of him at his house, which is super weird because nobody my age I know has these photos in their house...those stay at the parents until they die, right? Given that this is The Bachelor, it's safe to assume Arie's parents died traumatically, but that's not the case...they're off to meet the 'rents. Arie says that this is the first time he's brought a girl home since Emily. I don't now if he meant the first time he's brought a girl and a film crew, but c'mon man.

Arie's parents have been married for 36 years. Krystal immediately says "I'm sure it hasn't all been rainbows, right?" GTFO, Krystal. This is a super beef of mine, that it's just assumed that everyone who is married has big fights and comes close to breaking up and that you have to "survive" a marriage. It's just not the case. Krystal drops the ominous "I'm not close to my family, and I know that's important to Arie." The girl with the heart of gold that gives random paper bags to homeless people doesn't have room in her life for her family? I can't wait to hear this story.

Good thing it's time for the emotional dinner! Krystal's parents divorced when she was really young. She calls it "non traditional." Her dad wasn't part of her life, and her mom was there but "emotionally unavailable." She had to buy herself a blanket at nine years old. Her brother is homeless and got beat up. His hair got singed somehow. She wanted to help him, but he just wanted a bus ticket to Venice. This being The Bachelor, I immediately thought Italy and that it was a strange place to send your homeless brother. Futhermore, if my brother was living on the streets and wanted a bus ticket to go live on the streets again, I'd tell him to stop being dumb and come live with me.

Krystal gets a rose and a concert from Connor Duermit who despite having 2,500 Twitter followers to Rachel Zoe's 3.8 million is every bit as famous as her in my eyes because I'd never heard of either of them before tonight. She's on cloud 9 and is convinced that her relationship is stronger than anyone elses.

Krystal is worried that jealousy will creep in if she tells the girls about their date, so she opts for being coy and evasive about what happened on the date, which of course makes the girls think that she's hiding something amazing and makes them super jealous.

Here's a tip: Girls just don't like other girls, especially other girls that have something that they want. I just had a conversation with my daughter tonight about how her best friend at school told her she wanted to play with someone new today, but then she played with McKenna who isn't new at all and somehow this was McKenna's fault for stealing her BFF. THEY ARE SIX YEARS OLD. There's a lot of talk about how girls are taught to not support one another by the media and society (I guess this means men) but damned if I can figure out how my daughter figured this out watching My Little Pony and Mosha and the Bear. I think it's just ingrained in them the way it's ingrained in boys that peeing outside is more fun than peeing inside.

Group date time....time to drive cars for a demolition derby. Somehow the sight of a 36 year old man driving a beat up 4-door sedan with flames painted on the side drives these women crazy. In Albany that would land you a post on Albany Happenings with someone telling other women that they need to watch out for the sketch dude with the flames on his car cuz he's probably a tweaker. The girls are mostly having fun decorating their cars and driving around slamming into trash cans to prepare. Bibiana screams "I don't even have a license!" as she plows through a trash can. She then says she wants to do this when she gets back to Miami, which should make every pedestrian nervous.

Annaliese is not having fun though. She's having flashbacks to a traumatic bumper car experience she had as a child. If you came here looking for me to make fun of her, you're going home dissappointed, because THE SAME SHIT HAPPENED TO ME. It was at Oaks Park in about 1985 or 1986. Somehow I got hit and my funny bone went numb. Scared the hell out of me and I started crying. The crying kid on the bumper car track is like chum in the water around a bunch of great white sharks. Kids two or three times my age were taking full runs at me from across the arena and lighting my ass up. My mom risked her life running out amongst these bloodthirsty savages to rescue her first born.

Annaliese, you are not alone. I too am a survivor of bumper car trauma.

Chris Harrison then ruins my somber vibe by saying "Annaliese just took a big one in the back" and I can't take it seriously anymore. Thanks for that sophomoric slap to the face, Chris.

 

Chelsea gets the first one on one time at the after party, and uses it to tell Arie that she's a single mom. It's a big deal for her, and Arie lets her know he's taking it seriously by making out with her. Close your eyes, Sammy...it's time for Mama to get down to business.

While the other girls go and talk to Arie, Bibiana spends her time watching and making snide comments about not getting time. This then gets to the point where she just quits on the night, saying "it's too late, do you really think I want to talk to him like this?" Classic "I'd rather quit than fail" response. Bekah the braless nanny gets a really involved kiss, but Sienne gets the rose because she went to Yale. Seriously, I think that's why she got a rose. Arie thinks she's smart. Let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Stay in school, bust your ass and get a degree from an Ivy League school, and you too could impress a guy with a high school diploma who drives cars and used to work at Pizza Hut. Sky's the limit, ladies.

At the cocktail party, Arie presents Brittany with a certificate for being "Most Hardcore," He then greets Braless Bekah by saying "where do you want to go?" The guy was seriously so excited to get her alone, I thought he was going to take her to like his private villa thing down the hill, or maybe just bail on the rest of the ceremony and take her to a hotel, but no...they go to the front porch, where they act like a couple of teenagers talking about how they didn't think the other liked them and then kissing and touching each other in places that are appropriate but hint that you'd like to inappropriately touch them.

Krystal then wants to say hi after not seeing him for a few days, and Bibiana is still glued to the couch and getting pissed. In fairness, she's not the only one that is pissed that a girl with a rose wants to talk to Arie. You'd think that after 22 seasons of the same shit happening these girls would not be shocked, but here we are. Bibiana is burning all the goodwill she had with me flipping out about this.

Finally, Bibiana gets her time! It's a pretty mundane conversation, but then Krystal interrupts Bibiana and SHIT. IS. ON. Bibiana clearly thinks every girl in the room has her back, but as nobody pipes up to support her, she keeps giving nervous glances like "c'mon girls, you're with me, right? RIGHT?" and getting no support whatsoever. I think maybe she's realizing that she's out on this limb by herself, but then she stands up and yells "mic drop!" and walks out. You can't fake mic drop yourself, can you? Anyways, she's convinced that the only reason she could possibly go home is Krystal's meddling, and vows to come find her after the show. Bibiana is crazy.

Roses go to Becca, Krystal, Sienne, Maquel, Jaclyn, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Lauren B., Annaliese, Kendall, Hardcore champion Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana! I'm happy that she's sticking around for more crazy moments, but we could've had one REALLY crazy moment if she'd gone home. In this case, I'll take quantity over quality.

Gone are Lauren G., Valerie, and Jenny, who doesn't even say good bye to Arie as she ghosts him on the way out the door. Arie of course follows her and says "give me a hug at least" as he hugs her as she stands straight as a statue. There was not comforting her there, Arie. Arie tells her her's not feeling it and that he's gotta make tough choices. Jenny says that this thing isn't for her, and that she made some friends and Arie says "hope you find what you're looking for" and hugs her  emotionless body again. Jenny says this is the first time she's ever been dumped, which seems doubtful since she's single and on a reality show trying to hook a husband. Good luck though.

We close with a clip of Kendall introducing Arie to one of the animals in her taxidermy collection. It's a seal named Mugatu. "He's kinda janky because he's vintage." I expected to be weirded out by her taxidermy collection, but this is actually super interesting to me and I wonder if she's named all her animals and if she's created personality traits for all of them.

So yeah, if I'm Arie, I'm giving her a one on one date next week.

Bachelor 2018, Episode 1: I Literally Hate this Season

Let's get the cliches out of the way early: Love is like a race. This is the most important race of Arie's life.

Who is Arie you ask? The second most famous person named Arie Luyendyk. Arie Sr. is a two time Indy 500 winner. Arie Jr. sucks at kissing and reality shows. I'll bet his dad is always like "you know, I didn't need ABC to hook me up to date 25 women at a time son. Step your game up."

We get a recap of Arie's first go round on this show, which is a good reminder that Emily Maynard was the absolute WORST at breaking up with people. It was basically sit them down and then start crying and don't say anything. Then the guy would be like "welp I'm out" and then she'd say "don't go, why you gotta be like that?" EVERY TIME. It was just as painful five years later.

Oh by the way, it's been five years since Arie was on the show. If you've been on this show in the last five years and got passed over for the Kissing Bandit, you have nobody to blame but yourself. A half decade of dudes weren't good enough to get picked over this jamoke.  Even after getting dumped by Emily, he flew to her house and left his journal on her doorstep. In any other situation, an ex-boyfriend leaving his (probably heavily edited) love journal on the doorstep of your house where your young child lives is probably grounds for a restraining order.

Arie has apparently moved on from his brief stalker phase, and is now in real estate...which means he borrowed some money from his dad and bought some houses....news flash, it's going well for Arie.

After some very generic advice from Sean and Catherine (basically be yourself, be respectful, don't forget you're 36 and way too old be acting like a horny college kid), we get to meet some ladies!

Chelsea is 29 and from Portland, Maine. She's a single mom. As she makes a healthy meal for her young son, she wants a man who is going to teach her toddler to be a good dad. The next shot is of her at a bar drinking hooch with her girlfriends. Looking for a guy to be the parent so she can reclaim the years she lost being a single mom. Got it.

Caroline is 26 and has sold $5M in real estate in under a year, which apparently means she's really good at her job. Zillow says the Ft. Lauderdale market sucks, so maybe she is good at her job. Or maybe she sold one $5M house to like a rich friend of her parents as a favor. Who knows. She awkwardly strokes the head the baby of a couple of clients. If my realtor touched my infant, I'd think about getting a new realtor, but that's just me. Again, maybe they’re friends, and she pressured them into buying a house so she could seem successful. I am super skeptical of everyone on a reality show.

Maquel has a weird name and is from Utah. She's also 13 years younger than Arie...so good luck. She'll stick around for a while because she's pretty attractive, but if I'm stereotyping a young cute blond from a small city in Utah, I'm guessing she's led a fairly sheltered life.

Up next is a skydiving nurse from South Carolina named Nysha who loves getting gunshot victims because "the more blood the better." She looks like she weighs about 87 pounds. I don't see her and Arie being compatible.

Remember Raven from Bachelor in Paradise? Well, apparently they couldn't get her to come back on, so they got her best friend Tia from small-town Arkansas to come on and play the small town southern belle on the show. She likes to shoot guns and farm and stuff.

Kendall from Los Angeles likes dead animals (she collects taxidermy) and plays the ukulele. She also wears tight pants and crop tops. Avoid at all costs, Arie.

Up next is Bekah, who is basically a cross between Mary Poppins, Tinkerbell, and your next door neighbor from back home. She's a nanny who is also a badass rock climber. America is already in love with this lady. She'll end up getting dumped on a 2 on 1 most likely and will get a very lengthy segment on After the Final Rose where she will get a bigger ovation than whomever Arie picks.

Up next is Marikh who likes to spar with pink gloves in public places. She also "owns" an Indian restaurant with her mom. Her mom is sweating over a hot stove while Marikh just hangs out in a cute dress and distracts her mom from the meal she's preparing. I don't like Marikh.

Krystal is an online fitness coach. She sets up a camera and goes through a workout by herself on a beach. Being an online fitness coach looks super lonely and kinda sad. Even sadder though, her brother is homeless and doesn't want her help, so she gives healthy snacks to other homeless people. Krystal's life seems exhausting and sad. I hope things work out for her, but it probably won't be on this show.

Limo time! One of the girls tells the others that "one of us could LITERALLY be engaged to Arie." The word literally is literally overused. My son has adopted the word literally into his daily vocabulary, and so now every time I hear someone use it in a place that it doesn't really need to be used, I think "that's something a fourth grade boy would say."

The limos show up, and there's lots of screaming and "he's such a stud" comments.

Super realtor Caroline does a decent ice breaker with the "we're both realtors and maybe at the end of this we'll both be off the market" joke. It goes over well.

Chelsea the single mom comes out and goes super serious and says "there's a lot to get to know," but doesn't really elaborate. It was sorta ominous.

Kendall the taxidermy lover is next and is so nervous she can't even be weird. That was not a good intro.

New to the show Sienne is next. Her favorite animal is an elephant, so she gives him elephant cufflinks and tells him elephants represent loyalty and are a symbol of good luck. Plus they never forget! I love stuff like this. Say Arie just doesn't really like her, or isn't super into the animal symbolism. Is he now obligated to wear some weird themed cufflinks that mean nothing to him? If he doesn't come find her later, or forgets her name, is she going to be like "God Damnit! Elephants never forget! How come he couldn't remember me?" I've already turned Sienne into "Weird Elephant Lady" in my mind. I hope every episode has a clip of her telling Arie or the other girls some random facts about elephants.

Next is Raven Tia. She proclaims that she's from Weiner, Arkansas and then presents him with a toy weiner. I couldn't tell if it was a hot dog or a penis, but she says "please tell me you don't already have a little weiner...." so definitely a penis. Tia is going to kill me all season.

Bibiana is up next. She's got an accent and goes with a lame "you have my heart racing," gag. She is a bundle of nervous energy as she gushes to the camera about how her babies will have blue eyes like Arie and yada yada yada. I like her. She's my favorite so far.

Bri from Portland, Oregon is up next. She tosses him a softball because she used to play softball and is also a sports reporter. She covers the Ducks from Comcast Sports Northwest, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to like her or not.

Things start moving pretty quick from there. One girl slaps a "nice butt" bumper sticker on his ass and says "you don't put a bumper sticker on a ferrari, but why not an Arie?"

Krystal the super emotional fitness coach makes him close his eyes and place his hands on his heart and give thanks for the moment. Krystal is exhausting.

Chelsea the single mom says that "the hair is down and the boobs are out." She laments that every girl is gorgeous and that she "wants to feel insecure, but there's not threat." Chelsea is 100% insecure of her mom bod. Chill out, Chelsea. She's not gonna last long.

America's sweetheart Bekah isn't content owning the hearts of 85% of America, so she shows up in a 1965 Mustang convertible and captures the other 15%. Bekah is killing it. This show could be wrapped up by the second hour tonight.

Jenna shows up and says that she's "actually pretty happy with hour her life is going." Good sign, I guess. She then does a lot of hand motions and gestures to explain that she is missing a big strong man in her life. Jenna commands your attention. The other girls are going to hate her.

Jessica is a TV host and apparently acts like it even when she's not on local television at 6 am. Super perky, gives Arie a rock and acts like it's the coolest rock ever. Jessica is super high energy.

Becca makes Arie get down on one knee and ask her if she's ready to "do the damn thing." Well I missed that question in the fantasy league this week. Damnit Becca. I can't be mad at her though, she's pretty fun. I like her.

There's still a whole limo to go? Goodness. The first of the Laurens (there's always a handful of Laurens) shows up and is fun. Then another Lauren shows up and looks like she's about 40 years old. She kinda looks like Diane Sawyer. A third Lauren who is also blonde shows up. Fortunately the fourth Lauren is black and will not be mixed up with Diane Sawyer Lauren or the two young blonde Laurens.

Ashley gives him a checkered flag and there's some "finish line" jokes. Arie dryly remarks to himself that the race car jokes crack him up. I love that a majority of America thinks that making the most obvious joke or commenting about the most well known thing about a person is the way to win them over. It'd be like someone trying to impress me by commenting on my lovely white head of hair. I get it, I'm young to have the same hair color as Santa. You will not be guaranteed a second date by comparing me to Santa.

Spray Tan Amber says "she's seen a lot of dicks." Ali makes him smell her armpits. Some girl wearing a mask (because Arie was the kissing bandit, duh) shows up obviously not really 100% on board with being dubbed the mask girl. Does she wear it all night, or reveal her face during their one on one time?

Maquel shows up in an Indy Car, but she's not even driving it! She's like a passenger in the back seat like a damn kid. Maquel is going to be a frequent target of my snarky comments I think.

Bekah finally gives America a reason to maybe question their love for her a little bit as she rolls her eyes and says "I'm not concerned with these other girls at all" as she seductively swirls her whiskey and takes a healthy swig. Actually who am I kidding, this makes her even more awesome.

TV host Jessica makes the second "literally" comment, saying she "literally couldn't stop staring" at Arie. Jessica does not get a rose from me.

Finally the introductions are over as all 29 women are in the house. 29! Why do we have so many? It just means that we don't get to know most of them. I think the show would be better with 20 women max, but nobody asks me....at least not yet.

Single mom Chelsea steals the first one on one time. She refers to herself as mysterious. Who describes themselves as mysterious? She's interrupted by Maquel, and Chelsea is "not surprised" because "of course the girl that shows up in a race car would interrupt me." She refers to Maquel as the girl who makes all the noise," and LITERALLY (see what I did there?) no other girl has any clue who she's talking about.


Indian Marikh says that she was super nervous, but once she saw Arie she was "instantly calm." I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Some girl whose name I think is Brittany "low key" has a surprise for him. I don't think that's how you use that term correctly. Anyways, her low key surprise is a couple of battery powered cars for kids that they race around the driveway. This leads to her getting a kiss and quickly saying "you ARE a good kisser." She then gushes that "he LITERALLY has the softest fucking lips ever." Shoot me now. At least she didn't say that she was going to keep it 100.

Mama Chelsea is pissed. Someone other than her got the first kiss. Maybe if you had used your time to kiss him rather than trying to pretend you're some sort of mysterious secret agent with classified information, you'd have gotten further along.

Taxidermy Kendall apparently smuggled a ukulele in her dress....where did that come from?

Black Rachel makes him close his eyes and jams some food in his mouth and says "guess what fruit that is." It's a pineapple, one of the most easily recognizable flavors in the world. She then tells him pineapple is her safe word. What. The. Hell.

Jenna the hand gesture girl is still moving around all over the place. She either drank 45 Red Bulls in an effort to stay up all night at this cocktail party or is on drugs. She's super entertaining though, and keeps giving Arie that "you keep me around and I'll get naked" look, so not surprisingly Arie is kinda into her.

Mask girl is named Annalise, and she's having a normal conversation with Arie once he takes off the mask. She doesn't come off as the kind of person who would've preferred to wear a mask, She's in my top 5 right now for sure.

Do the Damn Thing Becca brought index cards with questions from her mom to ask Arie. Different, but I can dig it. Becca's a top 5er too.

Seems like there's an inordinate amount of real estate professionals on the show. I'm wondering if this is intentional because ABC is already planning a Flip or Flop style show with Arie and his new Bride to be buying and selling houses together....hmmmm.

The first impression rose comes out, and it becomes a massive rush to talk to Arie. Krystal congratulates him on being the Bachelor and says "that's so exciting!" Arie quickly says "we don't have a lot of time, I'd like to know more about you." First thing out of her mouth is not about her job or her pets or her family or where she's from or her fears or her most embarrassing moment....nope. She says "I'm a Libra."

Way to maximize your time, Krystal.

Chelsea, who was so pissed she got interrupted by Maquel, is now interrupting people. How quickly the shoe shifts to the other foot. Chelsea is basically telling Arie what he needs to do and that she's always going to be there for him....then sticks her tongue in his mouth. God damn I hope her son never sees this....that was ridiculous. To double down on her ridiculousness, she then strolls back into the room and says "you guys, I just met Arie for the second time! He's still cool and down to Earth," as if it's been years since she was with him and not two hours. Not exactly #momsohard right now, Chelsea.

TV host Jessica lost her dad a few years ago, but don't worry, he met Arie, so he approves. No explanation of how her dad met Arie, or why they cheered for him during Emily's season, or why she and her dad were bffs and bonded over the Bachelor. You gotta follow up on some of this stuff, Arie.

America's Sweetheart Bekah asks Arie to list three things that make him excited to be alive, and the first thing he says is EXCITEMENT. I can't even comprehend that level of dumb.

After that, he says pizza.

Bekah says mountains and the smell of pine trees,  the feeling where you like someone but you don't know if they like you.....Bekah's playing chess and Arie's playing checkers.

First impression rose comes out and it goes to.......single mom Chelsea? Arie this was not a good choice.

Chelsea says she is not a competitive person, but when she sees something she wants, she goes for it.

Sad Fitness Coach Krystal thinks that if she hadn't let Chelsea interrupt her, it'd be her getting the rose instead. Her life is LITERALLY one tragedy after another. Good thing she stays so positive.

Roses go to Single Mom Chelsea (first impression), Do the Damn Thing Becca, Indian Marikh, Taxidermy Kendall, Black Lauren, Tragic Fitness Coach Krystal, America's Sweetheart Bekah, one of the young blonde Laurens, an Elephant Never Forgets Sienne, $5M real estate Caroline, Brittany the literal lip kisser, My favorite Bibiana, Masked woman Annalise, Red Bull Jenna,  Punk Disney Princess Valerie, Jaclyn (?), Jenny (?), other young blonde Lauren, Ashley (?), Not Raven Tia, and Utah Maquel.

Gone are Spray Tan Amber, Pit Sniffer Ali, TV host Jessica, Oregon Bri, Diane Sawyer Lauren, and a host of other girls who never made an impression on the show at all.

In the race for the most tragic exit on the first night, it's a tie between TV host Jessica crying that now that Arie has rejected her, her long dead dad will never meet her husband, and Spray Tan Amber thinking she screwed up and let down her family because her mom told her it was "her turn."

As Arie said to close the show out.....let the journey begin!

Bachelorette Finale: Always Never the Same

One of the things I love about this show is that it is always the same every time. People say the same lines ("You made me feel something I've never felt before, I'm the best version of myself when I'm with you," "This is the perfect place to fall in love"), They try and make you think that the presumptive favorite might lose. Hell, after she broke up with Peter, Chris Harrison even said "well you might think you know how this story ends, but do you?" Turns out that yes, yes we did.

These things are also what I hate about this show.

Due to train travel, soccer practices, and the Angels having a big series with the Mariners this week, It took me a full week to get through these three hours. I'm going to skip over her dumping Eric, because it was boring, Eric didn't seem all that upset about it, and really everyone knew it was coming.

Peter - oh Pete. Pete said it was frustrating for him, and it was frustrating for me to watch. Pete doesn't want to propose until he's 100% sure he's ready to get married. Seems like a very good stance to take. Rachel wants to get engaged now and figure shit out later. A less defensible point she's trying to make, in my opinion. Keep in mind that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that she was going to pick Brian since she bought him that watch. So she's demanding that this guy commit to proposing to her when she was almost certainly going to reject that proposal. GTFO with that crap, Rachel. Even still, he finally relents and says "fine, I'll do it. I care about you, this is obviously important to you, so I'll do it." Her response: "I don't want you to do this for me.....I want you to do this for you." I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THIS FOR ME. Right after she essentially said "if you loved me, you'd do this." C'mon Rach.

So they break up, and thanks to this new format of interviewing the people during the live finale and not having an After the Final Rose Hour (which I'm sure had to do with people turning off the show after the proposal and skipping the entire final hour in past seasons), we get to see them get back on stage together and talk it out immediately. Pete apologizes for saying "good luck with your mediocre life without me," which was awesome and he should not apologize for that.

Rachel then ladysplains to Peter that "this show wasn't for him" and that "she loves that he goes at his own pace," which is baxically the opposite of what she said during the show. If he ends up being the Bachelor next year, this show loses the last shred of credibility.

So Brian won, he said a bunch of tired, cliches and then hopes she loves him. Rachel makes him sweat, talking about how conflicted her heart has been this week, and then saying that "Brian's love has challenged her so much because it's been so easy." Yes, those relationships that are easy are the hardest. Brian agrees, they make out, and everyone's happy.

Brian - dear, sweet, sensitive, romantic, Brian - is then trotted out in front of the live studio audience, and he tries to be super romantic and re-propose. The audience doesn't even give him a pity "awwwwww." I've never seen a gesture fall that flat since I tried to sing a Backstreet Boys song to Rachel at our wedding reception.

Anyways, Bachelor in Paradise starts tomorrow! Let's get offended!

Bachelorette Season 13, Week ????: Are we Done Yet?

I think it's hometown week. I'm not really sure, since we're stuck with four unfunny, fairly boring dudes. I know I didn't blog last week, but let me recap:

• She went on a date with Brian. They made out. There is zero tension in their relationship, but because you can't propose halfway through the season, they needed to invent a reason they might not be good together. The brightest minds at ABC got together and came up with "Brian's last girlfriend and him got along really well from the get-go too, so maybe that's a sign they shouldn't be together." Yes, damn those relationships where two people get along well.
• She went on a date with Dean. Dean really doesn't want Rachel to meet his family. She will get to meet his family, because ratings.
• She went on a date with Peter. Peter is still emotional that he couldn't make it work with his ex girlfriend. Pete may have played the sensitivity card one too many times.
• She took the other three dudes on a date. One was named Adam, the other I already forgot, and Eric gets the pass. Eric is from Baltimore, so anything he says about his hometown or his upbringing is believable to me. There is an 80% chance the police are involved in his hometown date. Baltimore is terrifying.

Ok, on to hometowns!

Eric's up first. They meet, they hug, and Eric says "this is the nice part of the city. This is not how it was for me growing up." As they drive to their next location, Eric says "oh they're selling drugs right there." Most time's I'd say ABC just threw that anecdote in there, but #baltimore. They go shoot hoops, and some guy named Ralph shows up and says like six words and then takes off. OK then. Ralph does not seem very significant to this process.

Eric then recants how many people around him were criminals growing up. Rachel would rather talk (again) about how she is the first girl he's bringing home. Wherever they are walking to is not the "bad part" of Baltimore. My wife had a friend from high school that lived in a row house in Baltimore. She slept with a hammer under her bed. Rats the size of bulldogs roamed the streets at night. There was no need for street lamps because of the light from police helicopters searching for suspects. Eric's family is not from the Baltimore I saw on my visit.

Eric's aunt wants to talk about what it's like being the first black bachelorette. Rachel brings up the fact that she's being judged by black people, and she's being judged by everyone else. It's an interesting point I hadn't thought about. It's gotta be tough to feel like you could potentially be letting down a whole race of people if you make a mistake....or that society is just waiting for you to make a mistake so they can say "I knew it wasn't going to work." I have no idea how accurate that is, but it doesn't change the fact that she believes that.  Eric's mom says that she didn't show him the love he probably wanted because she'd seen a lot of good men not reach for their goals because they always reached for their mama. I think I know what he's talking about. When I was in eighth grade I missed the bus on a very rainy morning. I called her, expecting her to tell me to just get back in bed and she'd call the school and tell them I'd be there tomorrow. Instead I got my butt chewed and told in no uncertain terms that I needed to get on my bike and get my ass to school. I pedaled the four miles to school, showed up an hour late, soaked to the bone, and then spent the next hour in the nurses office drying out. So my childhood in suburban West Linn was a lot like Eric's in downtown Baltimore.

Brian's date is a tour of Miami. They eat South American food, dance to some Caribbean music, and make out some more. Brian says his dad is cool and his mom is crazy. Well that's what I heard at least. If we're judging who Rachel loves by the size of the flowers she brings the families, Brian wins in a landslide. Mama Brian tells Brian he's passing up on "so many women" and that "she may love you, Brian...but the mother is the mother. Blood is blood." In the end, Brian's mom drops the mean mom routine and concedes that Rachel seems pretty cool. Brian's a shoo-in now.

Pete's up next, and he's in Madison! I love Madison. In the summer, it's one of the coolest cities around. Pete claims he goes to the farmer's market every Saturday. By himself? Is that a thing one does? Pete's friends show up at the restaurant, and there's a discussion that involves the line "8 of 10 of Pete's best friends are black" 80% of Pete's friends are black, and he lives in a city where 7% of the population is black. This seems.....unlikely.

Pete's family seems cool, but Pete's family also puts out the "he's not ready for marriage vibe." This seems like a sly way for Pete to get out of having to propose without looking like a dick. Also, there's always one guy/girl that can't pull the trigger on the "L word" on hometowns. This has to be a part of the production meetings, right?

Time for Dean's hometown - Aspen...where the beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Dean's dad is apparently a yogi who has given himself an unpronounceable name that mean's beautiful soul. Rachel can't understand why they haven't talked in two years, and basically tells Dean he needs to tell his dad he loves him.....what's more likely: Dean telling his dad he loves him, or telling Rachel he loves her?

Side note: I missed the first commercial promo for Bachelor in Paradise because a Victoria's Secret commercial for t-shirt bras came on before and in my highly uneducated self needed to figure out if this was a bra you wore as a t-shirt or that you wore under a t-shirt (it's the latter, much to my relief. I was having nightmares of Jocelyn asking for t-shirt bras in a few years and my head exploding.)

Holy shit Dean's dad. Let's all hang on the floor while dad bangs on a gong. Then there is a feather ceremony for Dean's deceased mother. Dean and his dad have some one-on-one time that revolves around Dean's dad praising him for talking through his nail chakras or something. Dean is having so much trouble not punching his dad in the face right now. I'm a huge fan of watching uncomfortable situations, and this is like the Super Bowl of those....although if I'm Dean's dad, I'm a little pissed that we've gotta do this on national tv 11 years after the fact. Dean's dad then gets pissy about being told he wasn't the best dad. Dean's dad then says that what you think of the other person is actually what you think of yourself.....and follows it up by saying his own dad took off and that he "never knew the son of a bitch." AMAZING. In the end, Dean tells both his dad and Rachel that he loves them, but with his dad it was almost sarcastically said. I'll call it a push. Still, he stands as much chance of Rachel saying yes to his proposal as his dad does.

Rose Ceremony time...this is a big one, because the loser gets no nookie in the fantasy suite. Brian gets the first rose, because I think Rachel will lose her shit if she doesn't get that man in a bedroom soon. Eric and Pete take the next two roses, and Dean gets the annual "you're awesome but your family is kooky-dooks" goodbye hug.

See y'all next week for fantasy suites and more contrived conflicts!

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (Part 2)

We've reached the part of the show where I start to question why I still watch this show. We've already met our cast of characters, and for the most part, they are who we thought they were. There's nobody at this point in the show that is going to emerge as a new villain, and it'd be a big surprise at this point to find out one of them has a child or girlfriend or some other shocking revelation. So we've reached the point where she basically goes on dates and then acts like she has a really tough decision to make on every single guy. Shoot, once this Kenny/Lee thing plays out, we won't even have any beef amongst the fellas any more.

Kenny goes on the best censored rant in history as he calls out Lee for his behavior. His daughter must be so proud. Rachel sends Lee home, and Lee immediately tells Rachel that Kenny cussed him out, calling her "sweetheart." Kenny, unable to accept the fact that he's still in the running, leaves Rachel in the chopper to again tell Lee he's a snake and that he needs to be a better person. Such an insane miscalculation on his part. Sort of like Donald Trump winning the election then continuing to push his insane theory that he actually won the popular vote too, Kenny is unable to accept a win without claiming total domination.

Oh it's happening, sweetheart

Incredible restraint by Rachel to not leave Kenny in the Norwegian wilds with Lee.  I would've loved that move. Kenny lecturing Lee, Lee laughing his ass off as the helicopter's blades start turning, Kenny all of a sudden realizing what's going on, standing there dumbfounded as the helicopter lifts off, hovers for a second over them as Rachel drops the rose out the door and flies away. Tell me I couldn't write this show.

A little self congratulation is necessary every now and then

In the end, Kenny gets the rose after explaining himself again to Rachel. She buys it, but I'm pretty sure we still have yet to see anyone survive a two-on-one date and go on to win the rose. I may be wrong on that, but I don't think I am. Kenny then calls his daughter and she's pretty adorable and I hope he makes it to hometowns so we can see more of their interactions. Best part of the show by far.

Rose ceremony time, and Josiah keeps talking about how confident he is, and how good he feels. Kiss. Of. Death. Rachel sends him and Anthony home. I didn't even know who Anthony was. Josiah goes off on most of the Caucasian people left on the show as "poor choices" for Rachel to keep around over him, though in his defense Alex is kinda weird and Adam did bring a creepy doll. Those are legitimate things to be confused by.

Off to Denmark. Eric snags the one on one date - touring Copenhagen. Eric's on a bridge. Rachel shows up on a boat. Eric yells "hey girl! We here!" Rachel should just keep that boat moving, but unfortunately she decides to dock. Eric tries to get in the boat, Rachel gets out. Then they both get in. Just stay in the boat, Rach.

They find a public hot-tub park. Have you ever been to public park in a big city? Do you ever feel safe there? Well, now add hot tubs and alcohol. Seems totally safe. Not surprisingly, a strapping Danish bloke hops up and yells "welcome to Denmark while exposing his Danish Stick Loaf.

When someone invites you to a Danish hot tub park

At dinner, Rachel and Eric talk, and Eric says "with everything I've been through...." which leads Rachel to ask him what all he's been through. What he's been through, evidently, is not getting enough hugs from his mama. Eric always has run from love, because he didn't get it from his mom and it was so unfamiliar to him. Not with Rachel though! Now he's finally realized that love is not something to run from! Rachel says "I am bringing something out of him that he never had before." Brilliant, Eric. Talk about your past struggles, say you're ready to move on, and presto you've got a girl putty in your hands. it all seems great until Rachel says "I don't know what's going to happen....." which probably means Eric is going home as soon as his rose immunity expires.

Rachel, to Eric next week

 Group date time - Rachel makes the boys row a boat across a fjord. On the opposite side, there are two guys "fighting" with swords. Fighting is a pretty liberal term.

Today we fight like Vikings!

Viking games basically involve knocking someone out of a circle by various methods. In one version you have to hold onto a stick. In another, you can't use your hands. In one you have to take a flag outside of a circle, and in yet another, you have to hold one of your legs behind your back. In the end, Kenny and Adam go at each other with swords and shields. Kenny wins (duh) but they both end up bleeding, which is an appropriate metaphor for the show: nobody leaves without a scar.

The rest of the group date involves making out with pretty much everyone (except for Matt, whom Rachel asks "how's Kenny?) This is really not a good sign, Matthew.

Not looking good, bro

Kenny then has the "my daughter needs to know if I'm gonna marry you, so tell me now if I'm going to marry you" conversation. As it always happens, Rachel says right now she can't commit to that, so she has to let him go home to his child. I'm not a big fan of using the kid as a reason to blame this relationship for not moving forward excuse. If Rachel didn't want to become an instant mom, she shouldn't allow dudes with kids on the show. I would think she has that sort of veto power. Or is it the sort of thing where ABC tells her "yeah, you don't have to pick him, but we gotta put a single dad on the show because America loves single dads. You can just tell him he needs to go home to be with his kid week 5 though." Being a kid of a cast member on a Bachelor Nation show has to be tough. You gotta go to school and hear people say "yo, saw your dad got dumped last night because his tv girlfriend didn't want to meet you." That can't be fun.

Why would you go on this show, Dad? WHY?!?!?

Will gets a date, and it basically involves a trip to Sweden and  ABSOLUTELY NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND. Will smiles a few times, Rachel doesn't. Will tries to charm her, Rachel actually rolls her eyes a little at one point, and he's going home. At least you got to go to Sweden, right dude?

So, if you're keeping track: On this episode we've now said goodbye to five dudes. Let's make it a six pack, shall we? Time for a rose ceremony at the end of an episode.....a rarity these days. Rachel then says that being in Denmark reminded her of the Shakespeare quote from Hamlet "to thine own self be true." Do we really think that Rachel pulled this information from her memory banks? I'm guessing she saw it in the gift shop at the castle when they walked by. She has to excuse herself because this decision is so hard on her, then dumps Alex. Wasn't really that tough, was it? She didn't really have any chemistry with Alex that I saw.

Mercifully, this two day saga has come to an end, and we can get back to only wasting two hours of our lives a week again in July. See y'all then!

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 5: Norway to go but up (part one)

This episode was very boring, let's just get that out of the way. It's hard to write about boring material, so I'm going to supplement this with a buttload of gifs. Enjoy!

Kenny doesn't seem to understand how aggression works. Him whispering "you're a little bitch" and "I'm going to end you," is pretty damn aggressive. I mean, which is more scary: someone very angry yelling crazy stuff, or a person who is very calm and in control whispering threats of your impending death?

Worse than that was Lee saying "I don't like confrontation." This is akin to the Pillsbury Doughboy saying he doesn't like being poked in the belly.

Does he look like he dislikes this?

Jack Stone was then sent home on a one-on-one. The only thing I could see that Rachel and Jack had in common is that they'd both probably be better off dating another man on the cast.

I wasn't sure about that joke either.

Tickle Monster went home, and we're off to Norway.

Brian gets a date, they rappel of a ski jump, Rachel decides he's so perfect he must be lying about something and there has to be some sort of a catch. Turns out the "catch" is that Brian was "too skinny" in high school and the girls didn't pay him any attention. Boo freakin hoo Brian, it must suck to be an attractive skinny man. You get no sympathy points for having acne either, because what teenager doesn't deal with bad skin? He then tells her he loves her, and she gives him props for being so vulnerable and putting himself "all the way out there."

Heard that before........

There's a group date coming that involves playing team handball in spandex that we're going to have to sit through before we get to the main event of Kenny vs. Lee in a two on one date. Lee says "I don't think I've ever seen a two on one date where both guys have come home before.

Have you ever even watched this show, bro?

 I'm pretty excited for this team handball group date, as handball is my favorite sport American's have no clue how to play at the Summer Olympics. It's basically on par with curling for me. I mean...look at this:

That's pretty cool, right? Unfortunately, the guys don't play like that. They play more like this

Ok maybe not, but it's awkward and funny like them playing

Will tries to make the most of his time with Rachel, saying that he needs to let her know who he really is. He says something about knowing Nick hurt her, and around the same time, he got hurt by someone he loved "very much." That person picked someone else, and he says "for a while" he didn't think he would ever put himself out there again. So what was that "for a while?" It couldn't have been more than a month tops. Since everything moves at light speed on this show, I'll allow it.

And what the hell is going on with Josiah? He goes into a story about his dad telling his mom on their second date that the Lord put it in his heart that they were going to marry, and now he would be remiss if he didn't tell Rachel that she was the woman of his dreams. He says this as he strokes her shoulder. Rachel doesn't buy it for a second and says that he never asks questions about her or anything that he didn't read on the internet about her. Josiah, without missing a beat, says "that is an excellent point, you're very perceptive and I love that about you."

Did Josiah even hear what she said?

Josiah continues his string of confusing statements, criticizing Lee for being from the South, when he himself is from Florida. Off they go into the Norwegian wilderness.....or as Lee calls it "the land of the vikings." Lee's objective is to kill Kenny with kindness, Kenny's is to "focus on Rachel." Here's thinking they both fail.

Kenny starts his alone time talking about how he's looking for a woman his daughter can look up to and emulate...this is good! Then he goes on to say "the only thing I'm going to say about this is that Lee is a snake and I called him a snake and I yelled at him." Did Kenny accomplish his objective?

 

Lee decides to go on the offensive, telling Kenny called him a bitch, said he would sh*t in his boots, and forcibly yanked him out of a van. Nothing about Rachel, no kindness at all towards Kenny....this is clearly going well. Objective accomplished?

The episode ends with Kenny laughing like one of the hyenas in Lion King and saying that Lee is going to get "washed under in a tide of realness that is Kenny." 

This is a good place to say "to be continued" because I'm going to need a while to unpack that sentence....see you tomorrow!

Bachelorette Season 13, Week 4: Race to the Bottom

The good thing about a week off from the Bachelorette is that I get a week off from getting worked up about a bunch of guys I shouldn't care about.  The bad thing is that I forget about the cliffhanger drama and just assume it's all over and done with.

But no, here we are talking about Lee and Eric.....still. Lee is an idiot. Lee has to explain that his grandfather getting cancer was sad. Nobody has to explain cancer is sad. Lee uses a knife that his grandfather carried with him to carve the word "enchanting" in a piece of wood that looks pretty much like the handwriting Andy used when putting his name on Buzz and Woody's feet. Lee sucks. Eric is pretentious and annoying, but Lee truly sucks.

Bryan and Rachel have a conversation that includes all the hottest buzzwords: vulnerable, future, drama, charming, 100% real....we've got #bachelorettebingo! There's no 50/50 pot at this bingo game, so they settle for aggressive kissing.

Lee continues to patronize every guy in the house. Kenny's pissed off because Lee interrupted him. Lee decides that the best way to deal with an angry person is to laugh at them, which sounds like a great way to get punched. Rachel is having a hard time talking to Bryce, whom I will henceforth refer to as Poor Man's Wolverine.

One of my favorite things about this season has been the fact that nobody has mentioned race, despite this being the most racially diverse cast ever. It hadn't been mentioned, that is...until now. Rachel somehow thinks that the guys arguing means that people are going to blame her race for the drama. I honestly don't get this line of thinking. There has been much bigger drama on this show between an all white cast. I'm guessing she thinks that people will not just see it as "drama," but as "black person drama." She said that she's getting pressure from all sides....about what? Who is pressuring her? I don't think I've seen one negative thing about her online yet. People (and by people, I mean fans of the show) generally love her and see her as one of the "best" bachelorettes in the show's history. She's straight forward, she commands the room, and she's not just sitting around waiting for the guys to fight over her. Just frustrating to me.

Now we've got a rose ceremony that nobody really cares about. They already 86'ed the kooky dude, so you know the only other villain they have (Lee) is safe. Anyone who they've invested any time in showing on TV is also safe. In the end, it's Diggy and Poor Man's Wolverine who leave. I don't get sending Diggy home, he seemed like a pretty chill dude.

Rachel then toasts the remaining guys, saying that she hopes they can move forward with no drama and negativity. This coming from someone who kept Lee around. The Bachelor franchise is just a giant manifestation of that girl in high school who would get drunk and make out with her best friend's boyfriend at a party and then cry about how she's "so sick of drama" when people get mad at her for it.

Time for the show to leave LA (but not the drama) behind, and head to South Carolina. Dean, a life-sized, animatronic Ken doll, gets the first date. They park a jeep in a field and drink champagne on the hood before a blimp appears on the horizon. You'll never believe this, but Dean is afraid of heights. Conveniently for ABC producers, a blimp crashed and burst into flames at the US Open which you gotta admit is some pretty convenient timing for them. Miraculously, Dean is able to overcome his fear of heights to pilot the blimp and make Rachel feel like she was the one to give him the courage to ride in a goddamn blimp. The blimp cockpit is basically a glass bubble that made me nervous watching it on TV from my couch, so I have a hard time believing anyone with a true phobia of heights would be calm at all in an actual blimp.

Of course, the blimp does a fly-by of the resort the guys are staying at, and of course they're all out on the balcony as it comes into view. The side of the blimp says "Dean and Rachel are in here," and this pisses Eric off to no end. "I can tell they're having a good time," he moans, as he plots a way to get that blimp on the ground.

Anyone seen Eric?

After the blimp lands (safely), Dean and Rachel talk about their upbringings.  Rachel's parents are still married, which leads Dean to say "that's really rare these days." A great conversation to have with a woman you want to marry (in theory, at least). He then divulges the sad story of his mom dying of breast cancer 11 years ago, and that apparently this is the first time he's talked about it. IN ELEVEN YEARS. If you go eleven years holding your feelings about your mom's death inside...there is no way you're a functioning member of society. You need therapy, Dean!

Group date time! They take a yacht. "Feel free to take your shirts off," Rachel croons, as she makes no attempt to shed any clothing herself. (#doublestandard) The date includes "competitions like limbo, pushups, and a rap battle. This concludes with a spelling bee. I'm already annoyed. Spelling is not something that's hard...if you do things like, oh, I don't know, READ. You read a book, it's got words, you see the words, and pretty soon, they look familiar, and damnit, then you know how to spell them.

I have to give credit though, they didn't give the guys simple words. I was anticipating guys going out on words like "utility" or "phony," not "boutonniere." Seriously, how many people have ever seen the word boutonniere written before? You hear the word two or three times in high school, and that's about it. Tough break for the guy who got that word. Josiah ends up winning, spelling the word "polyamorous."

Now, let's talk about Iggy. Last time we saw Iggy, he was talking about Eric to Rachel. I gave him props for following up that conversation by sitting Eric down and letting him know about that conversation. Iggy now has an issue with Josiah, for being kind of arrogant about winning the spelling bee. I think this had more to do with Josiah being a cocky drunk than anything else. Iggy started to get annoyed because Josiah was drunk and he wasn't. Iggy, dog, I've been there. But don't go trying to make it out to be something it's not. Now he's trying to act all high and mighty again, telling Josiah that he told Rachel he's causing tension in the house. This leads to Josiah, being the cocky drunk he is, blabbing to America about Iggy "shooting steroids in his nuts." Weird comeback, Josiah, but we'll allow it. So much for leaving the drama in Los Angeles.

Now back to our other beef: Lee vs. Kenny. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny was acting aggressive. Rachel asks Kenny if he was aggressive. Kenny says yes, but not to the level Lee made it appear. Rachel doesn't seem to buy Kenny's response, so now he feels he needs to pull Lee aside and get aggressive with him again. 

Nope.

To be continued.....