Props to Alabama for putting Notre Dame down. For you sports fans, I'd recommend reading this story about the rumor that Knute Rockne was killed by the mob. I'd never heard that rumor, but found the article pretty interesting.
But we all know that's not why you're here, right? Nope, you're here to hear what I have to stay about Mr. Sean Lowe - a guy who thought it was a good move to pretend he lived at home with his parents and left half eaten cookies all over his room - and his quest to find a girl. Let's get to it!
We're not even through the intro, and I'm already bored with Sean. There's no emotion in anything he says. I have more enthusiasm in my voice when talking about the burger I just ate at First Burger than he does when telling a girl he likes her. Thank goodness the girls are here to crazy this thing up. Chris Harrison is up to his usual hyperbolic ways, saying that "no one deserves a second shot a love more than Sean." What, because Emily didn't pick him? You're right, he just barely missed out on being the third ex-fiance of Emily Maynard. What a bummer.
We get to see the recap of Sean's time with Emily. It's a good time to remember Emily dumped him wearing a skirt that made her look like a mermaid and what looks like a $4 Hanes for Her gray tank top. Back at his parents super awesome Dallas house (remember they built his niece an air conditioned play house?) we get to see Sean chilling with his niece and nephew, and he looks like he's good with kids. The four women in America who watch the show that aren't googly eyed over Sean have now converted. Abs conquer all.
I love that ABC sent Sean to the beach with a fake wedding in the background and optimistic music as Sean talks about how excited he is to find the love of his life. Then....Arie shows up? And he's trying to teach Sean how to kiss a girl? I'm confused. Remember those abs? Sean's kissed a girl before Arie. Maybe not as many as you, Mr. Race Car Driving son of a Rich Race Car Driver, but Sean's done alright I'm sure.
Sean's cutting up some fruit (because he eats healthy ALL THE TIME America!) when Arie shows up. Sean then talks about how Arie and him have been through "so much together." They both got to go on a world tour and have a brief but passionate relationship with a super hottie. Gee, must've been tough guys. Arie uses his bad boy influence to convince Sean to forget the berries and crack a few beers. Then we have the most contrived, awkward conversation ever between two men in recorded TV history. Two self confident, attractive men, pretending to break up with each other and discussing how much tongue to use is just weird. Up next is my favorite part of any season...the completely contrived, ABC influenced introductions!
First, Chris Harrison has to just blow everything out of proportion, talking about how "no one will ever forget" his break up with Emily, and "hopefully he'll become a father" as if his chance of procreating hinges on him marrying one of these 25 ladies. Let's meet 'em!
Desiree is a slight dorky, klutzy bridal planner. I like her, but she seems like the kind of person who might have self esteem issues. She'll cry later tonight.
Tierra(?) is a hot mess. Her fake reaction to finding out that Sean was the bachelor was awful. She has a little dog. I do not like her, not one little bit.
Robyn is a big nerd who does handstands in her room and uses post it notes to learn Spanish. She'll go home early.
There's a hair stylist. She has two kids. I'll need to see more.
There's a girl named Sarah who seems pretty normal. Not sure how she got on the show.....oh wait she's only got one arm.
Another hair stylist with a cat and a 50 shades of grey fetish! She'll go home tonight. Sean does not seem like the guy who will humor her.
random girl, random girl, model who immediately has every guy watching the show drooling, and then girl with adoption issues. I'm a little concerned about her well being on this show. The other girls are going to eat her alive. She also has a little dog.
Bring on the limos!
Sean and Chris exchange pleasantries - Chris tells Sean that 25 girls were here specifically because he was the bachelor, confirming that Tierra was full of shit when she squealed during that interview. They're not even trying to pretend anymore on this show.
First girl out is named AshLee. She does a fairly normal introduction. She's lucky she wasn't wearing a nametag, because that capital L would probably get her a return trip in that limo.
Next girl out kisses him, and third girl just happens to have a tissue to wipe it off with.
Some girl uses the term "Holy Toledo" and then calls him "Mr. McSteamy." Eesh.
Handshake girl was cute, but that handshake was awful.
Cruise Ship girl needs to take more cruises to cloudy locations. Her skin looks like she's takes naps in a RonCo food dehydrator.
50 Shades hops out....and she's going home. Guaranteed. The tie thing did not impress him.
There's a girl from Seattle that reminds me of Neela from ER. She calls him a "hunk." No chance.
Robyn the nerd goes for the handstand and......apparently she thought she was on another ABC show....Wipeout. Nerds may rule the world, but they do not rule the driveway.
Paige! From Bachelor Pad! I loved her....I'm hoping she does well here. She plays it pretty cool on the intro, and probably makes a good move by being up front with her Bachelor past immediately. No reason to hide it.
Next comes Tierra, whose opening line is "I just wanted to show that I have a heart on my finger, and it's open." I thought this was some weird metaphor, but nope, she has an actual tattoo of an open heart on her finger. Sean then tells her to hold on. If he gives her a goddamn rose, Sean will never be able to redeem himself in my eyes. She's an absolute moron. But Sean's giving her a rose. He tells Chris he's "clicking with her." HE HASN'T SAID A WORD!!! He also says he's "hoping that giving her a rose doesn't create any tension." So apparently he's a bigger moron than she is.
The girls are pissed. 50 Shades looks like she's going to use that tie for murder rather than fornication. Back to the girls outside.
Amanda has huge teeth. Not in a bad way, but holy smokes her teeth are big and white. They're the Santa Claus beard of teeth. Desiree goes with the pennies to make a wish in the well intro, and I like it. I hope she doesn't melt down, because she's one of my favorites so far, along with Paige and the Model.
Lesley breaks out the football, and it reminds me of this clip that I saw this morning. Turns out she doesn't want to actually play, just look as his butt. Probably smart, her girly throwing motion could've turned him off immediately.
Model is from Wisconsin! Another reason to like her. Her confidence will take her far in this show. After her is another model, who says "hi Ken, I'm Barbie." I don't like this one. Her voice sounds like something from a 976 hotline. I don't like her.
Some Italian girl thinks it's a good joke to threaten bodily harm is he breaks her heart. Get it, she's Italian, her family does mob hits....Not a strong impression.
Bridal girl gets out and says "you may kiss the bride." She's giggling the whole time, clearly embarrassed that she let ABC talk her into this. I wonder if she knows that by agreeing to put on the dress she ended any chance she had of winning. Perhaps she was in it for fame over love. In which case, mission accomplished lady!
Mystery girl has arrived! But first a commercial for the Miss America pageant. Wasn't the Miss Universe pageant last week? No time off on the girly girl circuit, I guess.
Kacie B is our mystery girl. You may remember her from Ben's season....everyone loved her, but her super overprotective and religious family torpedoed her shot at love. Commence the girls freaking out in 3,2,1.....
As I feared, Desiree is already panicking. She doesn't think it's fair because Kacie had her shot at Ben, and why should she get a second shot. So apparently if you've fallen in love before and had it not work out, then you're not allowed to try again with any other men. I'm not looking forward to watching her self destruct, but it's going to happen. Reminds me of Jamie and her awkward lap dance with Ben and subsequent meltdown on Bachelor Pad.
Kacie gets the first one on one time. She's probably thankful that she won't be mentioned as Kacie B for the duration of the show. She says that she didn't expect to be here. Really? You called the show and asked to come on. Where did you think you were going to be? She has a big leg up in that she's already hung out with Sean and they have a familiarity.
Desiree gets her time next, and it goes well enough that Sean hands out a rose. He's like the Johnny Appleseed of roses!!! Kacie rightfully wonders why she didn't get a rose. My guess is that Sean knows there's no chance he's going to forget her name or over extend himself on roses before getting one to her. Desiree is just one of 25 new faces, and not even the only one in a red dress. Better to get her a rose now before you accidentally give one to another girl.
The girls are blowing up over the extra roses. "But we've never seen this happen before on the show!" Remember this statement, because these same girls are going to freak out when he goes on dates with other girls and or they're on a group date, and at least one of them will say "I had no idea it would be this hard!" You should have, because EVERY SEASON SOMEONE SAYS THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW HARD IT WOULD BE. Girls are freaking out about the roses...Model 2 says "obviously I don't have a rose - I'm empty handed" but it sure sounded to me like she said "empty headed."
The bride is trashed. She's trying to keep it together, but it's never a good idea to talk about your morals while completely drunk and attempting to kiss a guy while wearing a wedding dress. Also, did Sean say somewhere in there that "just because he gives a rose to a girl, it doesn't mean anything?" Why did he give out the roses then? Just to mess with these poor girls heads? Lots of mixed signals from this dude.
50 Shades decides to have a dance party to the music in her head. Anastasia Steele would never drop it like it's hot - she's way out of character. She apparently called her mom when Sean got dumped by Emily and said she'd marry him. Now her mom calls him her son in law. No clue why 50 shades starts dancing when she says this, but OK. Being drunk sure does look like fun sometimes. I mean, there's 26 people trying to keep it together under the pressure of the situation, and she's dancing like Elisabeth Shue in her bedroom. Maybe she's trying for the "this girl's so crazy we need to keep her around for ratings" rose. If so, she's definitely in the lead for that one.
Taryn, who is from Oregon, is trying to play the "I'm too much of a lady to interrupt another girl for attention." Basically saying "the guys come to me." Well, there's only one guy here. She declares herself a "hot mess." At least she's self aware.
One armed girl is getting emotional and saying that guys see that she only has one arm and assume that there's going to be more emotional work. Having one arm is a challenge that I can't imagine facing, but if you don't want people to think you're emotional, you can't act emotional. Sean then gives her a rose, and suddenly he loves her and she's good enough for love and on and on and on. A pessimist would say that he only gave her a rose BECAUSE she has one arm and is probably sensitive about that, so he threw her a bone - really, really awful pun intended. I'm probably going to hell for that line, but there it is. Look, if you don't want people to treat you differently based on some characteristic you have, stop drawing attention to it.
Chris Harrison continues on his quest to overstate everything - saying Sean is "the most sincere" bachelor ever and "is here for one thing and one thing only." The man could sell ice to Eskimos. Time for the rose ceremony. Kacie gets her rose, as I predicted. Also as I predicted, 50 shades and model 2 go home. Taryn the non interrupter gets a rose and puts herself in strong competition with Desiree for most insecure. Desi didn't cry (that honor went to Taryn). Paige again gets the boot way earlier than she deserved. Sean's an idiot. Cruise ship girl is already over Sean, she's worried about what the next guy she dates is going to think about her singing a song for Sean and then not getting a rose. Model 2 says "the disappointment is there, but the devastation - I try not to let it sink in, but it does. It hurts!" Wow.
A pretty entertaining first two hours! 50 Shades exit video was awesome. Shame she lost the crazy girl rose to the Bride, because she was at least 50% crazier. At least.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Friday, December 7, 2012
You Hide the Freaking Elf
Spoiler: If you believe in Santa and the magic of elves, you may want to stop reading.
A few years ago, our family was introduced to a new Christmas tradition - the Elf on a Shelf. I think we were pretty late to the party, but for those of you who don't know about this elf, he's basically a little poseable elf doll that comes with a book for children that tells the tale of how this elf watches to see who's good and who's bad and reports every night back to the North Pole, before returning to the house. The idea is that the kids get up every morning to see where the elf is in the house and know that he's watching them. For most people, the elf looks like this:
Personally, I think that guy looks super creepy. Like, one morning you might wake up and he'll have a carving knife and be sitting on your pillow creepy. Plus, he's expensive. Like $30 expensive. But it sounded like a good idea, so my wonderfully practical wife Rachel started looking around and found the much cuter, economical knock-off version, Christopher Pop-in-Kins:
So this starts off great....December 1st, you stash him on a shelf in the kids room. Kid wakes up, sees the elf and is ecstatic that Christmas is almost here. December 2nd, your son vaults out of bed at 6:30 and flips on the light to see Mr. Pop-in-Kins on top of the fridge. Oh, that cheeky elf. By the end of the first week, we've exhausted damn near every high vantage point in our house, and it seems like Jonah's getting up earlier and earlier every day, excited to see where Christopher is. By next week, Rachel and I will be spending a half an hour every night after the kids go to sleep arguing over where to put this guy. Fortunately, Rachel's love of Pinterest has yielded some great ideas, but I think we can all agree that it's much more fun and satisfying to come up with things on your own. Of course, this can blow up in your face too.
For instance, we sort of came into a free Christmas tree the other day. Long story short, there was a miscommunication at Rachel's job and a patient brought her a tree. So, I have the brilliant idea to not tell the kids, keep the tree in the car and break it out at night after they go to sleep. Only we don't get the kids to bed until 10:30 that night and who really wants to set up a tree at 10:30 at night? So we just decided we'd bring it in the next morning. So then Jonah asks where the tree came from, and I get the bright idea to say that Christopher must've brought it and left it in the garage. Everything's well and good until I'm on the phone with my mom later that night talking about the free tree we got from one of Rachel's patients and Jonah gets a confused look and says "nuh uh dad, Christopher brought it!" Busted.
I now see that Christopher has a sister elf that you can purchase as well, Christina Marie. Good God, hiding two elves a night? No thank you.
A few years ago, our family was introduced to a new Christmas tradition - the Elf on a Shelf. I think we were pretty late to the party, but for those of you who don't know about this elf, he's basically a little poseable elf doll that comes with a book for children that tells the tale of how this elf watches to see who's good and who's bad and reports every night back to the North Pole, before returning to the house. The idea is that the kids get up every morning to see where the elf is in the house and know that he's watching them. For most people, the elf looks like this:
 |
And yes, that was the first google image that popped up for "elf on a shelf." |
 |
| Much better, right? |
For instance, we sort of came into a free Christmas tree the other day. Long story short, there was a miscommunication at Rachel's job and a patient brought her a tree. So, I have the brilliant idea to not tell the kids, keep the tree in the car and break it out at night after they go to sleep. Only we don't get the kids to bed until 10:30 that night and who really wants to set up a tree at 10:30 at night? So we just decided we'd bring it in the next morning. So then Jonah asks where the tree came from, and I get the bright idea to say that Christopher must've brought it and left it in the garage. Everything's well and good until I'm on the phone with my mom later that night talking about the free tree we got from one of Rachel's patients and Jonah gets a confused look and says "nuh uh dad, Christopher brought it!" Busted.
I now see that Christopher has a sister elf that you can purchase as well, Christina Marie. Good God, hiding two elves a night? No thank you.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Queen of the Princesses
Last weekend I had the pleasure of attending Disney on Ice: Dare to Dream with my family up in Portland. One of Jonah's friends had an extra ticket, and invited him along. Rachel and I didn't really have anything else planned, so we decided to take Jocie along and get tickets ourselves. Gave us some time to meet Jonah's friends parents, and also allow the kids some extra time to hang out in the back of the car, which they LOVED. This trip was basically the reason we invested in a seven passenger Dodge Journey. We were able to get everyone in comfortably. Jonah and Jaden are pretty much the same person in different bodies. It's crazy how similar their interests and personalities are. They even have the same cowlick smushing up their hair in the front. I think that was probably the quickest trip ever to Portland for Jonah, as they laughed and played with their Transformers in the back the entire car ride.
After stopping for some food at Pizza Schmizza, we made our way to the Rose Garden. A quick recap of events I've been to at the Rose Garden - Trailblazers games, a rodeo, a concert featuring Pink and Shaggy (it was a Z100 radio concert) and I think an Eminem concert (it could have been at the Memorial Coliseum, I forget). The patrons at Disney on Ice are so completely different from anything I've ever experienced there, I was a little thrown off. But our seats were surprisingly good for the $25/each we paid, aside from the lady seated in the row behind us who felt it would be a good idea to bring a giant stroller into the arena with her and drape the thing over my seat. It took her a few minutes to move the thing and find a way to awkwardly jam it under the seats in her row. Kids at arenas are kind of like luggage on a plane....if you need wheels to move them, it's not a carry-on and therefore shouldn't be allowed. Why would you bring a stroller when you know there's no way to store it without inconveniencing everyone around you? C'mon now.
The show started, and it was pretty much like I remembered from when I was a kid. The shows are basically abridged versions of the movies. The Dare to Dream show was geared a little more towards young girls, but not to the point where boys couldn't enjoy it. They did 3 "acts:" Princess and the Frog, Cinderella, and Tangled. I don't think I realized that the shows were all lip synced, but I guess it makes sense. Jocie was a huge fan of the horse "Maximus" from the Tangled show, which was two dudes in a horse costume - on ice skates. How impressive is that? Every time that horse came out on the ice, she'd clench her fists and look at Rachel and I with this look that basically said "OMG THERE HE IS AGAIN!" She'll probably make that same face again at the Rose Garden for a boy band concert in 12 years. For now, I'm ecstatic that it's a horse on skates that does it for her.
The real shocker to me, however came at the end of the show. Once Rapunzel realizes she's the lost princess and reclaims her throne, she of course throws a ball and invites all the other princesses from the Disney world to come. As each princess came out onto the ice with her "prince," they were given a polite round of applause from the crowd. Now, I was expecting Rapunzel to get the largest cheer, given that she is the most recent princess and also the headliner of the show. But one princess violated the rule that you never show up the host of the party. Cinderella? Snow White? Belle? Nope. They were all completely clowned by the applause handed out for the Little Mermaid. I kid you not, Ariel got the loudest cheer of the night, and all she did was skate out and wave. That was it. She was on the ice for maybe three minutes total, but you'd think that these girls came specifically to see her. I actually heard a girl of maybe seven or eight behind me squeal "THERE SHE IS! ARIELLLLLLLLLLLLL!" as she skated out onto the ice.
Anyone out there have a favorite Disney character? I'm going with Tigger - he's all about having fun, makes up words, and embraces his uniqueness.
After stopping for some food at Pizza Schmizza, we made our way to the Rose Garden. A quick recap of events I've been to at the Rose Garden - Trailblazers games, a rodeo, a concert featuring Pink and Shaggy (it was a Z100 radio concert) and I think an Eminem concert (it could have been at the Memorial Coliseum, I forget). The patrons at Disney on Ice are so completely different from anything I've ever experienced there, I was a little thrown off. But our seats were surprisingly good for the $25/each we paid, aside from the lady seated in the row behind us who felt it would be a good idea to bring a giant stroller into the arena with her and drape the thing over my seat. It took her a few minutes to move the thing and find a way to awkwardly jam it under the seats in her row. Kids at arenas are kind of like luggage on a plane....if you need wheels to move them, it's not a carry-on and therefore shouldn't be allowed. Why would you bring a stroller when you know there's no way to store it without inconveniencing everyone around you? C'mon now.
The show started, and it was pretty much like I remembered from when I was a kid. The shows are basically abridged versions of the movies. The Dare to Dream show was geared a little more towards young girls, but not to the point where boys couldn't enjoy it. They did 3 "acts:" Princess and the Frog, Cinderella, and Tangled. I don't think I realized that the shows were all lip synced, but I guess it makes sense. Jocie was a huge fan of the horse "Maximus" from the Tangled show, which was two dudes in a horse costume - on ice skates. How impressive is that? Every time that horse came out on the ice, she'd clench her fists and look at Rachel and I with this look that basically said "OMG THERE HE IS AGAIN!" She'll probably make that same face again at the Rose Garden for a boy band concert in 12 years. For now, I'm ecstatic that it's a horse on skates that does it for her.
The real shocker to me, however came at the end of the show. Once Rapunzel realizes she's the lost princess and reclaims her throne, she of course throws a ball and invites all the other princesses from the Disney world to come. As each princess came out onto the ice with her "prince," they were given a polite round of applause from the crowd. Now, I was expecting Rapunzel to get the largest cheer, given that she is the most recent princess and also the headliner of the show. But one princess violated the rule that you never show up the host of the party. Cinderella? Snow White? Belle? Nope. They were all completely clowned by the applause handed out for the Little Mermaid. I kid you not, Ariel got the loudest cheer of the night, and all she did was skate out and wave. That was it. She was on the ice for maybe three minutes total, but you'd think that these girls came specifically to see her. I actually heard a girl of maybe seven or eight behind me squeal "THERE SHE IS! ARIELLLLLLLLLLLLL!" as she skated out onto the ice.
If I were ranking the popularity of princesses based on applause it'd go like this:
- Ariel
- (left blank, because the gap was that large)
- Jasmine
- Rapunzel
- Cinderella
- Tiana
- Belle
- Sleeping Beauty
- Snow White
- Mulan (I'll admit, I had to ask Rachel who she was, because I had no clue. I've never actually seen the movie. Apparently no one else had either, because Mulan got the courtesy "I have no clue why you're important, but you're on the ice with Ariel, so I'll clap halfheartedly for you" applause)
- The movie came out in 1989 - 23 years ago. This made her popular with a majority of the moms in the crowd, who probably passed on their love of Ariel to their daughters
- The red hair makes her stand out from every other princess, making her easily identifiable.
- The music from her movie is pretty freaking good. Under the Sea and Kiss the Girl are two of the most recognizable and "sing-alongable" songs from Disney movies ever.
Anyone out there have a favorite Disney character? I'm going with Tigger - he's all about having fun, makes up words, and embraces his uniqueness.
Friday, October 26, 2012
This one time, in a Band Van.....
Yesterday was our annual President's Dinner in Portland. This is kind of a big deal, so we blow it out. I was enlisted to help shuttle some of the "talent" up to the event. I was assigned to bring a couple members of the band up, who were going to be performing at the dinner. When I say "performing" I mean that they were going to play to alert guests of the call to dinner. Their entire "set" was no more than 2 minutes long. One of my coworkers was also driving a van. Except she wasn't driving musicians. She was driving fashion models. I get band members, she gets models. You can see where I rank in the order of things.
Anyways, I was anticipating some fairly interesting conversations on this trip, and I wasn't disappointed. Their conversation started off discussing the band (something about the inability of some members to play "off-beats" and how it was a good thing that Ricky changed instruments because "his teeth weren't shaped correctly" for whatever instrument he was previously on), before moving on to discussing drinking games. It never ceases to amaze me how many people like to brag about what they drank and the amount of it they consumed. "We went round for round with shots for AN HOUR." This is a pretty universal conversation amongst people in their 20s: "we drank X amount of Y BEFORE/DURING/AFTER Z!" The irony of that statement is that it never elicits the reaction the person expects. Have you ever seen someone respond to that question with any other than a courtesy eyebrow raise or a half smile and a forced grunt? You've never heard anyone say "OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AREN'T STILL DRUNK!!!!!" You know why? Because everyone you're discussing this with has done the same exact thing before. You're not impressing anyone with your drinking story, yet they continue to get told every Monday.
OK, I got off topic a little there. Let me get back to the real reason for this blog. One of the guys mentioned the orchestral piece "Boléro." Another guy says "did you know that Boléro was #3 song on Spotify's list of "songs to make whoopee" to? Seriously. The guy said "make whoopee." For the full list, click here and scroll down. Turns out that this list was done by surveying people in the UK, so take that for what it's worth. They discussed some of the other songs on the list, before one of the guys shushes everyone else by saying "Guys, you know what really should be #1 on that list?" At this point I'm fully engrossed in this conversation. I had no clue where this guy was going with this, and my mind was racing to try and figure out what song he was going to go with before he announces his self-proclaimed "best whoopee song." I was expecting something like Beethoven's Ninth or possibly Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" - a song played by the band at OSU sporting events for the better part of two decades. Nope. Homeboy goes with this:
Anyways, I was anticipating some fairly interesting conversations on this trip, and I wasn't disappointed. Their conversation started off discussing the band (something about the inability of some members to play "off-beats" and how it was a good thing that Ricky changed instruments because "his teeth weren't shaped correctly" for whatever instrument he was previously on), before moving on to discussing drinking games. It never ceases to amaze me how many people like to brag about what they drank and the amount of it they consumed. "We went round for round with shots for AN HOUR." This is a pretty universal conversation amongst people in their 20s: "we drank X amount of Y BEFORE/DURING/AFTER Z!" The irony of that statement is that it never elicits the reaction the person expects. Have you ever seen someone respond to that question with any other than a courtesy eyebrow raise or a half smile and a forced grunt? You've never heard anyone say "OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU AREN'T STILL DRUNK!!!!!" You know why? Because everyone you're discussing this with has done the same exact thing before. You're not impressing anyone with your drinking story, yet they continue to get told every Monday.
OK, I got off topic a little there. Let me get back to the real reason for this blog. One of the guys mentioned the orchestral piece "Boléro." Another guy says "did you know that Boléro was #3 song on Spotify's list of "songs to make whoopee" to? Seriously. The guy said "make whoopee." For the full list, click here and scroll down. Turns out that this list was done by surveying people in the UK, so take that for what it's worth. They discussed some of the other songs on the list, before one of the guys shushes everyone else by saying "Guys, you know what really should be #1 on that list?" At this point I'm fully engrossed in this conversation. I had no clue where this guy was going with this, and my mind was racing to try and figure out what song he was going to go with before he announces his self-proclaimed "best whoopee song." I was expecting something like Beethoven's Ninth or possibly Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" - a song played by the band at OSU sporting events for the better part of two decades. Nope. Homeboy goes with this:
That's right....R Freaking Kelly. Dorky white band kid in glasses goes with R. Kelly. And not even probably more "whoopee appropriate" R. songs like this or this or even this. Now, we could probably start getting into semantics: making whoopee is different from making love which is different from knockin' boots, and so on and so forth. But this just floored me. The Ignition Remix was on R. Kelly's "Chocolate Factory" Album, which was released in 2003. This kid was probably somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13 when that song came out. Now I get it...lots of songs on that Spotify list are older songs - Songs by Marvin Gaye for example. But Marvin Gaye is still played on the radio. He's kind of a legend, and you can make the case that his songs are timeless. There's plenty of opportunity to hear his music. Honestly, when is the last time you heard the Ignition Remix? My mind is still blown by this choice. I was discussing this in the office today when one of our students came in. She says "what song are you talking about?" So I pull it up on the youtubes and by the second note, she goes "Oh yeah, Ignition!" and nods like she totally understands why this song would be #1 on someone's "naughty time" playlist.
So this opens up a number of questions: What would be #1 on your "whoopee list?" Would you ever have a whoopee list, or is this something for people far, far younger than a majority of the people reading this blog? If you have a whoopee list on your iPod, does this make you skeezy? Like, say you were on a first date and your date asked to see your iPod. If this happens, there's a 95% chance that whatever is on your iPod is going to determine if you get a second date or not. For the record, I'd go with probably one of these three songs off the top of my head, just for fun (and yes, I'm laughing at my own choices, so feel free to mock me):
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
50 Shades of Grey - A Guy's Perspective
So yes, I've read the first two books of the "50 Shades" series. Much like my experience with the Twilight Books, I needed to see what the fuss was all about. There were people reading these books at work discreetly under their desks. Anything that engrosses people that much has to be worth reading, right?
Wrong. So, so wrong. These books are awful. I just don't get it. If you haven't read the books, bu50 Shades, books, bt are thinking about it, you might not want to read the next paragraph, because I'm going to sum up the entire first two books:
Grey likes rough sex. Ana does not. Argument. Compromise reached. Condom packet being opened. Kinky sex. Emotional bonding. Self doubt by Grey. Reassurance by Ana. Self doubt by Ana. Reassurance by Grey. Argument. Compromised reached. "EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD, WOMAN!" Angry Sex. Self doubt......
You get the idea. It's the same thing over and over and over and over and over. I don't get why anyone would read these books for anything other than amusement. The books seriously sound like they were written by this girl, and if you haven't seen that youtube clip, I strongly urge you to watch it and try not to cringe. It's so awkward. These books sound like they were written by an adolescent, trying to come up with the most creative way to say "he had an erection." In fact, there's so much "sexy time" in these books that midway through the first the writer either exhausted her sexual slang vocabulary, or just gave up trying. Every sexual encounter in the books involves the following:
My other big problem with the series is that my favorite character in the books is Taylor, who says maybe five words a book. Who is he? How did he end up employed by Grey? What happened to his marriage? I picture him to be a young Liam Neeson in "Taken." It's obvious that the author wants you to think that there's something there between Taylor and Ana, but it's also quite obvious that nothing will happen between the two of them because it would completely destroy every one's life. I mean, this girl apparently went anorexic after dating Grey for two weeks because he smacked her around with a belt (at her request), and we're supposed to believe that there's a chance she'd cheat on him with his most trusted employee?
In short, these books are entertaining in an awful sort of way...sort of like "Dude Where's My Car" or any of those parody movies like "Scary Movie" or "Hot Shots Part Deux." Just don't take them too seriously. Remember, you're talking about a book where some of the most cutting edge research in the world is being done at a branch campus of Washington State University which has a student newspaper called the "VanCougar." Yeesh.
Wrong. So, so wrong. These books are awful. I just don't get it. If you haven't read the books, bu50 Shades, books, bt are thinking about it, you might not want to read the next paragraph, because I'm going to sum up the entire first two books:
Grey likes rough sex. Ana does not. Argument. Compromise reached. Condom packet being opened. Kinky sex. Emotional bonding. Self doubt by Grey. Reassurance by Ana. Self doubt by Ana. Reassurance by Grey. Argument. Compromised reached. "EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD, WOMAN!" Angry Sex. Self doubt......
You get the idea. It's the same thing over and over and over and over and over. I don't get why anyone would read these books for anything other than amusement. The books seriously sound like they were written by this girl, and if you haven't seen that youtube clip, I strongly urge you to watch it and try not to cringe. It's so awkward. These books sound like they were written by an adolescent, trying to come up with the most creative way to say "he had an erection." In fact, there's so much "sexy time" in these books that midway through the first the writer either exhausted her sexual slang vocabulary, or just gave up trying. Every sexual encounter in the books involves the following:
- dark, hooded eyes - If you know what hooded eyes are, you're a better person than me, because I picture someone having some sort of seizure, and it's not sexy.
- "everything south" of Ana's waistline "clenching in anticipation." - Sorry to be a little crass, but that is the feeling I get when I have uncontrollable diarrhea. It's also not sexy.
- If there's dialogue, Grey either hisses or growls....two very unsexy vocal characteristics. He usually swears as he climaxes too, which is something I think that only happens in porn movies or drunken college encounters. In any event, it's not sexy.
- When they decide to have deviant sex, I just don't get it. Maybe the restraining of the hands I can get, but things like spreader bars, plugs, canes, whips, clamps and whatever else they're into have absolutely no allure to me. I usually just skimmed these sections to figure out what their next argument was going to be about.
My other big problem with the series is that my favorite character in the books is Taylor, who says maybe five words a book. Who is he? How did he end up employed by Grey? What happened to his marriage? I picture him to be a young Liam Neeson in "Taken." It's obvious that the author wants you to think that there's something there between Taylor and Ana, but it's also quite obvious that nothing will happen between the two of them because it would completely destroy every one's life. I mean, this girl apparently went anorexic after dating Grey for two weeks because he smacked her around with a belt (at her request), and we're supposed to believe that there's a chance she'd cheat on him with his most trusted employee?
In short, these books are entertaining in an awful sort of way...sort of like "Dude Where's My Car" or any of those parody movies like "Scary Movie" or "Hot Shots Part Deux." Just don't take them too seriously. Remember, you're talking about a book where some of the most cutting edge research in the world is being done at a branch campus of Washington State University which has a student newspaper called the "VanCougar." Yeesh.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
My Apologies to Rebecca Soni
I love everything about the Olympics. Mostly I love that (most) of these people aren't bazillionaires with endorsement deals up the wazoo that are competing out of their love of the sport or their country or the competition. And sure, some of them probably are competing with the hope of getting an endorsement deal worth bazillions, but the point is they aren't there yet. They're teenagers, college students, and tax accountants who happen to be really good at trap shooting. I love the emotion on a swimmers face when they touch the wall and spin around to see what place they are in. Even better, I love the look on the face of someone who knows they've won, but spun around anyways to find out if they set a world record. It's just awesome. I like finding out that a gold medalist from a country with a population smaller than Gresham sets off a celebration in his homeland that shuts down the whole island.
As a result of this love for the Olympics, I try to watch as much as possible. I've been keeping tabs on the handball tournament (I've been particularly impressed with Norway's womens team, who came back from six goals down today to beat Brazil, the top seeded team). I've learned what an Amanar vault is, and I watched quite a bit of the equestrian event one morning, simultaneously hoping for and against a horse to trip and toss its rider (it happened once, and it was the most terrifying and exciting thing I saw all day).
All this watching has left me quite sleep deprived, thanks to NBC's insistence on running the "good" events until Midnight every night. The worst part about their Olympic coverage is the idea that anyone watching the Olympics needs to be entertained with Mary Carillo gallivanting around London pretending to be James Bond playing "Go Fish" at a casino. Would you really rather watch that or a random 400M hurdles heat? Awful.
After one of these particularly long nights of Olympic coverage, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I started thinking about how great it would be to talk to an Olympian, to find out firsthand what their experience was like. Now I don't know any Olympians off the top of my head, so I was thinking how I could meet one. The answer, of course, is the Internet. I mean, if I can meet my wife online, why can't I meet an Olympian? So where to Olympians hang out online?
Twitter.
So I'm thinking "I should tweet an Olympian." Unfortunately, most twinteractions (get it? Twitter and interactions combined) with quasi celebrities consist of "OMG YOU R SO AWSUM - CAN I GET A RT FOR MY DYING DOG?" to which the celeb will respond "sure!" and that's it. Even if I got an actual question to an Olympian, they'd have to read it and think it was worthy of more than just hitting the retweet button, or replying with a one word response before moving on to the next tweet." Not the best plan to accomplish my goal. My next thought was "how do I make Twitter work for me?" It occurred to me that I saw somewhere that Michael Phelps plays a lot of Words with Friends - a game I really like playing. How cool would it be to play an Olympian in a knock off version of Scrabble on their iPhone? So I made this my mission: To play an Olympian in Words with Friends.
As I mentioned above, the best way to get a celebrity to retweet you is first compliment them, then ask for a RT because of some reason. Usually this reason revolves around someone having cancer or a cause, such as "can I get a RT for rape victims?" No celebrity wants to look like the person who doesn't care about rape victims, right? Also, I'll typically notice that people begging for RT's will shamelessly send umpteen requests for retweets to umpteen celebrities in a row. I didn't want to look that desperate. I really only a little desperate, and not using something awful like disease or crime victims to achieve my goal. So I used my birthday. Also, I wasn't going to blanket every Olympian with a tweet asking to play WWF. My first attempt at this, I tweeted at Kevin Love, Aly Raisman, and someone else, and I felt like a jersey chaser. So I needed to pick an intended target. Here was my criteria:
As a result of this love for the Olympics, I try to watch as much as possible. I've been keeping tabs on the handball tournament (I've been particularly impressed with Norway's womens team, who came back from six goals down today to beat Brazil, the top seeded team). I've learned what an Amanar vault is, and I watched quite a bit of the equestrian event one morning, simultaneously hoping for and against a horse to trip and toss its rider (it happened once, and it was the most terrifying and exciting thing I saw all day).
All this watching has left me quite sleep deprived, thanks to NBC's insistence on running the "good" events until Midnight every night. The worst part about their Olympic coverage is the idea that anyone watching the Olympics needs to be entertained with Mary Carillo gallivanting around London pretending to be James Bond playing "Go Fish" at a casino. Would you really rather watch that or a random 400M hurdles heat? Awful.
After one of these particularly long nights of Olympic coverage, as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I started thinking about how great it would be to talk to an Olympian, to find out firsthand what their experience was like. Now I don't know any Olympians off the top of my head, so I was thinking how I could meet one. The answer, of course, is the Internet. I mean, if I can meet my wife online, why can't I meet an Olympian? So where to Olympians hang out online?
Twitter.
So I'm thinking "I should tweet an Olympian." Unfortunately, most twinteractions (get it? Twitter and interactions combined) with quasi celebrities consist of "OMG YOU R SO AWSUM - CAN I GET A RT FOR MY DYING DOG?" to which the celeb will respond "sure!" and that's it. Even if I got an actual question to an Olympian, they'd have to read it and think it was worthy of more than just hitting the retweet button, or replying with a one word response before moving on to the next tweet." Not the best plan to accomplish my goal. My next thought was "how do I make Twitter work for me?" It occurred to me that I saw somewhere that Michael Phelps plays a lot of Words with Friends - a game I really like playing. How cool would it be to play an Olympian in a knock off version of Scrabble on their iPhone? So I made this my mission: To play an Olympian in Words with Friends.
As I mentioned above, the best way to get a celebrity to retweet you is first compliment them, then ask for a RT because of some reason. Usually this reason revolves around someone having cancer or a cause, such as "can I get a RT for rape victims?" No celebrity wants to look like the person who doesn't care about rape victims, right? Also, I'll typically notice that people begging for RT's will shamelessly send umpteen requests for retweets to umpteen celebrities in a row. I didn't want to look that desperate. I really only a little desperate, and not using something awful like disease or crime victims to achieve my goal. So I used my birthday. Also, I wasn't going to blanket every Olympian with a tweet asking to play WWF. My first attempt at this, I tweeted at Kevin Love, Aly Raisman, and someone else, and I felt like a jersey chaser. So I needed to pick an intended target. Here was my criteria:
- Had to be an American. While it would be cool to play an Olympian from Italy, the language barrier would make the game play difficult.
- Had to be active on Twitter
- Had to have at least some level of fame. Not because I don't think our trampolinist wouldn't be fun to play, or was less deserving, but since I was only going to tweet at one Olympian, I wanted it to be someone who, on the off chance they decided not to play me but would retweet my request would have a better chance of it being seen by other Olympians.
- Had to be an adult. While it would be somewhat cool to say "I played a game online against the reigning gold medalist in women's all around gymnastics," I'd also have to say "I'm interacting with a 16 year old girl online." Chris Hansen can tell you how that usually turns out.
- Had to have a short Twitter handle. The longer the handle, the less characters you have to get your point across.
Bottom line, it's much harder to converse with an Olympian than I first thought it would be. Then again, I was thinking this in the middle of the night after watching four straight hours of fantastic Olympic coverage (aside from the painful Mary Carillo puff pieces that make me want to never watch the Olympics again). Also, Rebecca Soni, I'm sorry for bothering you, and I promise I'm not a creepy stalker. I just wanted to play a little knock-off Scrabble with an Olympian and ask them a few questions, like
- What's the best non competition moment you had?
- What kind of interactions (if any) did you have with athletes from other countries in other sports?
- If you're planning on competing in the 2016 games, when will you start training in earnest for that, or when did you start training for London?
- What percentage of an average day did you devote to making it to London? Did you feel guilty if you went to see a movie or read a book instead of working on your technique in front of a mirror?
- How jealous are you of Michael Phelps?
- Do you think/know some of your competitors are doping?
- Did your parents have to take out a second mortgage or go bankrupt to get you here? (Just kidding on that one....it's absolutely abhorrent to me that the media is reporting on the financial situations of athletes parents.)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Bachelorette: Finale/After the Final Tears errrr..Rose
Welcome to the live finale of the Bachelorette! What a long, strange trip this has been. First Chris tells us to do all we can to prevent mass murders at movie theaters. Will do Chris. It seems almost like that was thrown in just to prove to America this this is actually filmed live. Even weirder, Chris then thanks everyone for applauding when he says this. Alright then.
On to the main event....and Emily says she's still hesitant about introducing Ricki to the guys. Really? Why? You like them both, you claim you're in love with both of them, and one of them is going to (allegedly) be your fiance. The other is never going to see Ricki again. I'm not sure if she's hesitant because she's worried Ricki will like the other one or what? I don't get it.
Family time, and I think Emily's mom is probably overdue for a pack of Camel Lites based on her voice. I gotta admit, I missed most of the conversation because Jonah wants help with his video game, and Jocelyn is trying to unplug the computer. Emily's brother looks like he's ready to crack some skulls and play the "bad cop." Unfortunately, he can't back that up, and says that he loves Jef's sincerity. Highlight of this conversation is Jef going in for the hip half handshake, half high five combo and Emily's uber conservative, buttoned up brother looking like he had no clue what was happening, but awkwardly trying to go with it.
This family is too easy! Dad offers even less resistance, giving Jef his blessing after about 3.5 seconds. Jef definitely has the "I'm completely sincere and no danger whatsoever to your loved one" look about him. Arie's in trouble based on image perceptions.
I think I'm going to get seriously annoyed with the live studio shots after every commercial break. There's only so much screaming female audience I can take. Wait...we're already going to Arie's turn with the family? Interesting that they're going to show these dates concurrently instead of seeing Jef's "journey" to its completion and then showing Arie's.
Arie gets off to a rough start...first he has to follow Jef, who killed it with the family. Then, he tries to make a self depricating joke about fishing that gets nothing but crickets in response. Oof. Arie tries to recover by giving Emily's family a little box of dried roses. Personally, I think it's creepy. Emily's mom thinks it's great, of course. Rachel just comments that Arie's mom and Emily's mom are the same person in her mind. Great point. I could see them drinking screwdrivers in a luxury box at the racetrack during one of Arie's races.
Mom is torn, because she thought Jef was the cat's pajamas, but now so is Arie! What the heck? Maybe the brother will be tougher. Again, Bro starts out all tough, asking if Arie's in it to win it or actually in love. Arie's response is "the brother's approval is very important, which is exactly what someone who was just playing the game would say. Of course, the brother buys it, and everyone loves Arie too! What's a girl to do? The family loves both of them.
Emily says the best scenario would be her family picking one guy over the other. Unless, of course, they picked the guy she didn't really want. Emily's dad finally gets her to lay her cards on the table. He says "you can't love more than one guy. Emily says "I never said I did!" Her dad says "so you do love one more than the other!" Emily says "I never said that either!" Oh cut the bullshit ABC. She made her choice weeks ago, and we're just all being strung along. Emily's mom says "don't get engaged...you gotta be in this 100%." Emily, after weeks and weeks of telling us that she's got these amazing guys that she loves so much and blah blah blah, now is having doubts about saying yes to either one of the guys. Fake drama galore!
We're back, and Jef's having a big heart to heart with Emily on the beach. He's saying his usual insightful things, but this rogue strand of hair on his head is point accusingly at Emily the whole time as if to say "Damn you for stringing me on this long! I know you're picking Arie you temptress!" He also seems to be questioning Emily's decision to hold Ricki out of the picture this long.....to which Emily says "it's a big decision, ya know?" You're right, it is Emily. Jef says "what would you think if you fell in love with someone whose daughter you'd never met? Emily responds "I'd think it's weird, ya know?" No shit, Emily, that's exactly what he's been saying the entire time. Emily then says "surprise! you're amazing and because you're so amazing, you should meet Ricki, right now!" As they walk down the beach to rendezvous with Lil' Ricki, Emily says "if this meeting doesn't go well, that would absolutely be the end of our relationship, no questions asked." So, she just put the fate of her relationship on a two hour meeting with a seven year old. Hope Ricki took a nap today, Jef! If someone forgot to take the crust off of her PB&J, Jef could be screwed.
Before actually meeting her in the pool, they first spy on her through a window....totally normal. The meeting, of course, goes well. This could be because Jef and Ricki are about the same age in their minds. Jef has the ability to say things that would sound patronizing when said by other guys, but with him it sounds genuine. Him wearing the ridiculously big pink snorkel mask just seems like something he'd do even if he wasn't playing with a seven year old. It's a pretty normal day with a seven year old, except for Emily making Ricki thank Jef for the puppet that Ricki didn't know existed, and still hasn't received. That made me chuckle. At the end of the night, Emily said "I told you it'd go great...no pressure at all!" Yeah, except for that whole "I'm kicking your ass to the curb if she doesn't like you." My own son on occasion has told me that he hates me when he's tired and cranky. So.....yeah, that possibility existed. We'll see what happens with Arie.
First, we have a night cap with Jef. Highlight of this conversation is Jef saying "I can tell you're a great mom," but not looking at Emily when he says it. If this were the Mentalist or some other brainy cop show, we'd hear someone tell us that's a sign of someone not being truthful. High comedy. Jef then gives Emily the ceremonial "I'm in the final two, so here's a sentimental gift that is incredibly corny." He gives her a book about Curacao, but he drew stick figures in there doing stuff that they didn't even do on the island. Of course, Emily says it's perfect and that she'll keep it forever - unless of course she picks Arie. Can you imagine Arie coming home after a tough day at the office - err....race track - and seeing a book about Curacao and wanting to relive his good times with Emily and seeing these stick figures in there and saying "oh that's cute that Ricki drew some pictures in there!" only to find out is was the other guy Emily was with in Curacao. Awesome!
Time to fill time on this long show. Let's have Chris interview random women in the audience! First, he interviews a woman named Paisley. She was named after a pattern! Paisley sounds like she's a little jealous that Emily has Jef's heart. The next lady says she can "relate to Emily" and that having someone love you and your kid is more attractive than a hot pair of jeans. Yeesh. Apparently jeans lady and the next yellow shirted woman both had boring names, because Chris doesn't give them the chance to introduce themselves. Yellowshirt says she wants Emily to pick Arie so the rest of America can have Jef. I don't know if Jef is one of those guys from Utah that is pro-polygamy, but I'm guessing he could find more than a few women across America willing to sister-wife it up with him if this doesn't work out.
Emily calls Chris over to tell him that she's chosen Jef. Holy crap, did not see that one coming. Part of me wants to commend Emily for making a decision ahead of the predetermined show timeline, but part of me thinks Emily doesn't want to give Arie a final chance because she knows Jef's the safe choice and there's no risk. Interesting. I really thought she'd pick Arie. He seems more her speed (no racing pun intended.) Guess that Curacao coffee table book is going to get to live a long, happy life.
Now we get a horrible, horrible vignette of Arie on a date by himself making a love potion with a native woman as he talks about how great the rest of his life with Emily is going to be. What a stomach punch for this dude. Cue the sad music and Emily looking like she's going to throw up. Yet, despite the fact that she teared up when Chris said her name, she seems to be pretty composed as she kisses Arie hello and lets him talk about his love potion. Only once she sits him down on the bench does she lose it. Arie's gotta know he's in trouble now. How horrible is it that Arie's the last person to know he's getting dumped? Moreover, Emily never really explains that Jef's won her heart. She just keeps telling Arie how amazing he is and how she thought it was going to be him and her and her family loved him and on and on. Never once does she mention Jef. Finally, she says "I had more confindence in Jef, ya know?" Awful. She just basically told Arie she didn't trust him, and he rightfully gets up and walks off. High five to Arie for handling that train wreck as well as possible. He didn't yell, but he made it clear he wasn't happy. He did just enough comforting Emily to make sure she didn't turn into a blubbering pile of goo....at least until after he was in the car. Arie says "it's unreal that it's over" then makes a face that looks like someone who thinks that they should cry right now, but just can't. Arie seems way too composed and rational for someone who just got killed on TV like he did. Even more awful is the cut immediately to the studio audience full of women with forlorn looks on their faces like they're at a funeral.
Coming back from break, let's see what Ashley and JP think about this, because this is the most boring couple in the history of this show. I love the fact that former cast members are now experts on love here. Then they bring out Ashley S. - you know, the girl who cried so hard when Brad dumped her that I thought she'd get a bloody nose. My God - what happened to her? I'm thinking that if she'd had that body when she was on the show, Brad would've kept her around a little longer. She's had some serious work done lately.
Before we come back, I'm wondering when Emily's going to tell Jef that she sent Arie home. My guess is not until after he's proposed. Make the guy sweat it out as long as possible.
We get to see Emily takl about how much love she has in her heart and how great she feels now. We also get to see Ricki and Emily walk around and draw a heart in the sand that says "Mommy and Ricki." I really wish it would've said "Mommy and Jef." Too bad.
Jef now gets to meet Neil Lane and spill his guts to the ring guy. Because I know I had a deep heart to heart with the lady at the Shane Company before I bought Rachel's engagement ring. I love the staged shots of Jef and Emily staring thoughtfully out windows and staring at rings and trying on dresses as they talk about how in love they are. Just so great. Emily's still talking about how she's scared she's going to make the wrong decision. Little late now, isn't it? She apparently is still unsure if she'll say yes when Jef proposes. Does it hinge on his proposal? Like, if he gives an amazing speech and she loves the ring, is she suddenly going to say "you know what? YES!" or say he trips coming up the stairs...does that mean she's going to say no, but we can still date long distance for a while? I'm suddenly envisioning Emily saying she won't accept his proposal yet, that she wants to keep dating him, but she's going back to North Carolina for a while and they'll date long distance or something. Jef being Jef, will probably say "well why don't I come to NC for a while? I'll live in a hotel and we'll just date like normal people." Then Jef falls in love with NC and they end up staying there and she never has to move to Utah and then starts selling books on how to manipulate your man. Brilliant.
Emily says "I'm not going to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times before she gets married." HAS THERE EVER BEEN THAT GIRL? Emily has got to be in a pretty select few people who have been engaged twice and not made it to the altar. Moreover, she has to be the only person ever to have her first fiance die in an airplane crash and have her second fiance be the product of a failed reality show romance. If she really wants to go for 15, she's got 12 more seasons of the Bachelorette to go....or one really amazing season of Bachelor Pad....zing!
It's proposal time, and Jef predictably knocks it out of the park. The guy is good. Hopefully third time is the charm for Emily, because she's engaged AGAIN! I love that they have the live studio audience's applause playing in the background. We then get a great montage of their relationship sent to an awesome '80's power ballad. My favorite part is the lyric "I'll be a knight in shining armor" as Jef flings an arrow at a target with his hair flapping in the wind while wearing a kilt. Awesome. Jef - a knight for the 21st Century and beyond.
After the final rose.....I don't really have it in me to keep this blog going, because I'm getting tired and two hours if more than enough for me tonight. Special thanks goes out to my wife, who basically co-wrote this blog tonight. If you laughed at anything in this blog, it was probably something she said that I transcribed. I just didn't have it going tonight. Thanks to you all who read this too. It just wouldn't be worth doing this every week if I logged in on Tuesday and saw I had three page hits and they were all me checking to see if anyone had read it yet.
On to the main event....and Emily says she's still hesitant about introducing Ricki to the guys. Really? Why? You like them both, you claim you're in love with both of them, and one of them is going to (allegedly) be your fiance. The other is never going to see Ricki again. I'm not sure if she's hesitant because she's worried Ricki will like the other one or what? I don't get it.
Family time, and I think Emily's mom is probably overdue for a pack of Camel Lites based on her voice. I gotta admit, I missed most of the conversation because Jonah wants help with his video game, and Jocelyn is trying to unplug the computer. Emily's brother looks like he's ready to crack some skulls and play the "bad cop." Unfortunately, he can't back that up, and says that he loves Jef's sincerity. Highlight of this conversation is Jef going in for the hip half handshake, half high five combo and Emily's uber conservative, buttoned up brother looking like he had no clue what was happening, but awkwardly trying to go with it.
This family is too easy! Dad offers even less resistance, giving Jef his blessing after about 3.5 seconds. Jef definitely has the "I'm completely sincere and no danger whatsoever to your loved one" look about him. Arie's in trouble based on image perceptions.
I think I'm going to get seriously annoyed with the live studio shots after every commercial break. There's only so much screaming female audience I can take. Wait...we're already going to Arie's turn with the family? Interesting that they're going to show these dates concurrently instead of seeing Jef's "journey" to its completion and then showing Arie's.
Arie gets off to a rough start...first he has to follow Jef, who killed it with the family. Then, he tries to make a self depricating joke about fishing that gets nothing but crickets in response. Oof. Arie tries to recover by giving Emily's family a little box of dried roses. Personally, I think it's creepy. Emily's mom thinks it's great, of course. Rachel just comments that Arie's mom and Emily's mom are the same person in her mind. Great point. I could see them drinking screwdrivers in a luxury box at the racetrack during one of Arie's races.
Mom is torn, because she thought Jef was the cat's pajamas, but now so is Arie! What the heck? Maybe the brother will be tougher. Again, Bro starts out all tough, asking if Arie's in it to win it or actually in love. Arie's response is "the brother's approval is very important, which is exactly what someone who was just playing the game would say. Of course, the brother buys it, and everyone loves Arie too! What's a girl to do? The family loves both of them.
Emily says the best scenario would be her family picking one guy over the other. Unless, of course, they picked the guy she didn't really want. Emily's dad finally gets her to lay her cards on the table. He says "you can't love more than one guy. Emily says "I never said I did!" Her dad says "so you do love one more than the other!" Emily says "I never said that either!" Oh cut the bullshit ABC. She made her choice weeks ago, and we're just all being strung along. Emily's mom says "don't get engaged...you gotta be in this 100%." Emily, after weeks and weeks of telling us that she's got these amazing guys that she loves so much and blah blah blah, now is having doubts about saying yes to either one of the guys. Fake drama galore!
We're back, and Jef's having a big heart to heart with Emily on the beach. He's saying his usual insightful things, but this rogue strand of hair on his head is point accusingly at Emily the whole time as if to say "Damn you for stringing me on this long! I know you're picking Arie you temptress!" He also seems to be questioning Emily's decision to hold Ricki out of the picture this long.....to which Emily says "it's a big decision, ya know?" You're right, it is Emily. Jef says "what would you think if you fell in love with someone whose daughter you'd never met? Emily responds "I'd think it's weird, ya know?" No shit, Emily, that's exactly what he's been saying the entire time. Emily then says "surprise! you're amazing and because you're so amazing, you should meet Ricki, right now!" As they walk down the beach to rendezvous with Lil' Ricki, Emily says "if this meeting doesn't go well, that would absolutely be the end of our relationship, no questions asked." So, she just put the fate of her relationship on a two hour meeting with a seven year old. Hope Ricki took a nap today, Jef! If someone forgot to take the crust off of her PB&J, Jef could be screwed.
Before actually meeting her in the pool, they first spy on her through a window....totally normal. The meeting, of course, goes well. This could be because Jef and Ricki are about the same age in their minds. Jef has the ability to say things that would sound patronizing when said by other guys, but with him it sounds genuine. Him wearing the ridiculously big pink snorkel mask just seems like something he'd do even if he wasn't playing with a seven year old. It's a pretty normal day with a seven year old, except for Emily making Ricki thank Jef for the puppet that Ricki didn't know existed, and still hasn't received. That made me chuckle. At the end of the night, Emily said "I told you it'd go great...no pressure at all!" Yeah, except for that whole "I'm kicking your ass to the curb if she doesn't like you." My own son on occasion has told me that he hates me when he's tired and cranky. So.....yeah, that possibility existed. We'll see what happens with Arie.
First, we have a night cap with Jef. Highlight of this conversation is Jef saying "I can tell you're a great mom," but not looking at Emily when he says it. If this were the Mentalist or some other brainy cop show, we'd hear someone tell us that's a sign of someone not being truthful. High comedy. Jef then gives Emily the ceremonial "I'm in the final two, so here's a sentimental gift that is incredibly corny." He gives her a book about Curacao, but he drew stick figures in there doing stuff that they didn't even do on the island. Of course, Emily says it's perfect and that she'll keep it forever - unless of course she picks Arie. Can you imagine Arie coming home after a tough day at the office - err....race track - and seeing a book about Curacao and wanting to relive his good times with Emily and seeing these stick figures in there and saying "oh that's cute that Ricki drew some pictures in there!" only to find out is was the other guy Emily was with in Curacao. Awesome!
Time to fill time on this long show. Let's have Chris interview random women in the audience! First, he interviews a woman named Paisley. She was named after a pattern! Paisley sounds like she's a little jealous that Emily has Jef's heart. The next lady says she can "relate to Emily" and that having someone love you and your kid is more attractive than a hot pair of jeans. Yeesh. Apparently jeans lady and the next yellow shirted woman both had boring names, because Chris doesn't give them the chance to introduce themselves. Yellowshirt says she wants Emily to pick Arie so the rest of America can have Jef. I don't know if Jef is one of those guys from Utah that is pro-polygamy, but I'm guessing he could find more than a few women across America willing to sister-wife it up with him if this doesn't work out.
Emily calls Chris over to tell him that she's chosen Jef. Holy crap, did not see that one coming. Part of me wants to commend Emily for making a decision ahead of the predetermined show timeline, but part of me thinks Emily doesn't want to give Arie a final chance because she knows Jef's the safe choice and there's no risk. Interesting. I really thought she'd pick Arie. He seems more her speed (no racing pun intended.) Guess that Curacao coffee table book is going to get to live a long, happy life.
Now we get a horrible, horrible vignette of Arie on a date by himself making a love potion with a native woman as he talks about how great the rest of his life with Emily is going to be. What a stomach punch for this dude. Cue the sad music and Emily looking like she's going to throw up. Yet, despite the fact that she teared up when Chris said her name, she seems to be pretty composed as she kisses Arie hello and lets him talk about his love potion. Only once she sits him down on the bench does she lose it. Arie's gotta know he's in trouble now. How horrible is it that Arie's the last person to know he's getting dumped? Moreover, Emily never really explains that Jef's won her heart. She just keeps telling Arie how amazing he is and how she thought it was going to be him and her and her family loved him and on and on. Never once does she mention Jef. Finally, she says "I had more confindence in Jef, ya know?" Awful. She just basically told Arie she didn't trust him, and he rightfully gets up and walks off. High five to Arie for handling that train wreck as well as possible. He didn't yell, but he made it clear he wasn't happy. He did just enough comforting Emily to make sure she didn't turn into a blubbering pile of goo....at least until after he was in the car. Arie says "it's unreal that it's over" then makes a face that looks like someone who thinks that they should cry right now, but just can't. Arie seems way too composed and rational for someone who just got killed on TV like he did. Even more awful is the cut immediately to the studio audience full of women with forlorn looks on their faces like they're at a funeral.
Coming back from break, let's see what Ashley and JP think about this, because this is the most boring couple in the history of this show. I love the fact that former cast members are now experts on love here. Then they bring out Ashley S. - you know, the girl who cried so hard when Brad dumped her that I thought she'd get a bloody nose. My God - what happened to her? I'm thinking that if she'd had that body when she was on the show, Brad would've kept her around a little longer. She's had some serious work done lately.
Before we come back, I'm wondering when Emily's going to tell Jef that she sent Arie home. My guess is not until after he's proposed. Make the guy sweat it out as long as possible.
We get to see Emily takl about how much love she has in her heart and how great she feels now. We also get to see Ricki and Emily walk around and draw a heart in the sand that says "Mommy and Ricki." I really wish it would've said "Mommy and Jef." Too bad.
Jef now gets to meet Neil Lane and spill his guts to the ring guy. Because I know I had a deep heart to heart with the lady at the Shane Company before I bought Rachel's engagement ring. I love the staged shots of Jef and Emily staring thoughtfully out windows and staring at rings and trying on dresses as they talk about how in love they are. Just so great. Emily's still talking about how she's scared she's going to make the wrong decision. Little late now, isn't it? She apparently is still unsure if she'll say yes when Jef proposes. Does it hinge on his proposal? Like, if he gives an amazing speech and she loves the ring, is she suddenly going to say "you know what? YES!" or say he trips coming up the stairs...does that mean she's going to say no, but we can still date long distance for a while? I'm suddenly envisioning Emily saying she won't accept his proposal yet, that she wants to keep dating him, but she's going back to North Carolina for a while and they'll date long distance or something. Jef being Jef, will probably say "well why don't I come to NC for a while? I'll live in a hotel and we'll just date like normal people." Then Jef falls in love with NC and they end up staying there and she never has to move to Utah and then starts selling books on how to manipulate your man. Brilliant.
Emily says "I'm not going to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times before she gets married." HAS THERE EVER BEEN THAT GIRL? Emily has got to be in a pretty select few people who have been engaged twice and not made it to the altar. Moreover, she has to be the only person ever to have her first fiance die in an airplane crash and have her second fiance be the product of a failed reality show romance. If she really wants to go for 15, she's got 12 more seasons of the Bachelorette to go....or one really amazing season of Bachelor Pad....zing!
It's proposal time, and Jef predictably knocks it out of the park. The guy is good. Hopefully third time is the charm for Emily, because she's engaged AGAIN! I love that they have the live studio audience's applause playing in the background. We then get a great montage of their relationship sent to an awesome '80's power ballad. My favorite part is the lyric "I'll be a knight in shining armor" as Jef flings an arrow at a target with his hair flapping in the wind while wearing a kilt. Awesome. Jef - a knight for the 21st Century and beyond.
After the final rose.....I don't really have it in me to keep this blog going, because I'm getting tired and two hours if more than enough for me tonight. Special thanks goes out to my wife, who basically co-wrote this blog tonight. If you laughed at anything in this blog, it was probably something she said that I transcribed. I just didn't have it going tonight. Thanks to you all who read this too. It just wouldn't be worth doing this every week if I logged in on Tuesday and saw I had three page hits and they were all me checking to see if anyone had read it yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)