The Golden Bachelor, Episode 1 - Nobody wants your fresh eggs, April

 It's been about 3 years since I've watched a single second of the Bachelor franchise. The magic was gone for me. I felt like I was making the same jokes every year, and the faces of the cast would change, but the storyline would be largely the same - Someone was there for Instagram clicks or some other reason other than love and everyone could see it except for the Bachelor/ette. Then right before hometowns, there'd be some bombshell - an ex-lover, or someone who had been dismissed earlier would return, or something. 

Largely these things didn't bother me. They were still mildly amusing, if a little tired. But the sob stories went from something that happened in the past (death of a family member, divorce, etc.) to trying to tackle thorny subjects that society was dealing with. Suddenly everything was about racism, sexual assault, etc. These are important topics, and I get the reasoning of the show leaning into these topics. If we don't talk about them, we ignore them, and nothing changes for the better. I can empathize with that, but also I am a goddamn adult who doesn't need Chris Harrison or some 27-year-old yoga instructor on TV telling me how I should feel about the #metoo movement. It just got too heavy for me.

Anyway, when I heard they were going to do an older version of the show, I was intrigued....at least enough to give this a shot again. Maybe the fact that the cast would be as old or older than I am would make me feel less like scolding the people on my TV screen..."goddamnit Brittany, you don't need to shove your tongue down his throat to get him to talk to you!"

So let's get this started! Here comes Gary. Gary has a hearing aid. We're leaning into this age thing right out of the gate. The white hair and wrinkles aren't enough to let me know he's old apparently. Gary was married for 43 years! It is just now that I realize how old this dude is. I'm a terrible gauge of how old people are. I would've thought late 50s to early 60s, but nope, he's 71. 

Gary's wife died right after they bought their dream house, or as he says "her dream house." This sucks. I feel bad for Gary. Life in your 40s and 50s is all about your kids for most people. I see my wife for roughly an hour a day on average it seems like during the weeks right now. When you get to your mid-60s and are retired, that's when you get to make up for all the time you sacrificed raising a family and working to be able to raise that family. To have that taken away....that sucks Gary deserves love.

I just have my doubts he's going to find it on this show, but whatever. Do you Gary!

As the first limo shows up to greet Gare-bear, I'm hopeful that we get a more mature version of this show, but I'm extremely fearful we're just going to get an older version of the same stuff. Lots of sexual innuendos, drunken lunacy, and high-school bitchiness. 

Edith is dressed like an Oscar award, but she looks good. Edith knocked it out of the park. Great first impression. Big fan of Edith.

Ellen is next. Ellen immediately shouts out her best friend Roberta. Gary is definitely getting a package deal if he picks Ellen. Then again Roberta has cancer....so maybe not! (Roberta, I'm sorry. You're probably awesome.) I don't think I could handle Ellen. Seems like a lot.

I"m impressed at Sandra's ability to wear heels at 75. She's moving slow. She does some deep breathing and swearing. Sandra is more my speed. So far, I'm a fan of the casting on this show......

And then we meet Leslie....Leslie claims Prince wrote a song about her. She says "Ironically I was married twice for seven years." Nothing I've seen so far says that it's ironic, Leslie. Your husbands probably got tired of you saying "Alexa, play 'Sexy Dancer' by Prince" every time you guys had an argument. Leslie totally did this, I'm convinced of it. Leslie is our first older version of a generic Bachelor contestant, and I hate her already.

We get a big montage of women, ranging in age from 60 to 75....but there's a lot of 60 year olds. Seems like that was the lowest age they allowed on the show. 

And then Theresa shows up. Theresa turns 70 today, and wants to show Gary her birthday suit. I hope Theresa doesn't have grandkids. Nope...she has a grandson. Send her home Gary.

April is insane. She says her eggs are still fresh. Gary does not want more kids, April! 

Chippy is 84!!!! She's Jimmy Kimmel's aunt apparently. She seems amazing. I hope she sticks around just to narrate what happens.

Gary says "a smile is one thing, but a smile that goes up to the eyes...." I think he meant this to be a compliment, but I immediately thought he was talking about plastic surgery.  Gary and I aren't on the same page at all.

Is Gary toasting the women with a glass of orange juice? Fantastic.

April gives him a calendar where every month is April. If I didn't already hate April, I'd think this was funny. She's crazy. Ellen brings up Roberta. We're 2 for 2 on Ellen mentioning Roberta. I'm telling you, this is more about Roberta than Gary for her. We're now at 4 Roberta references.

Gary and Marina talking about the slang their kids/grandkids use and laughing hysterically about it is awesome. Major points for Marina. Minus points for Faith and her motorcycle and guitar and who knows what other props she has. Faith seems to do a lot of fun stuff, but to me that probably means she's not fun when there isn't stuff to do. Put it this way - if you have an unlimited summer pass to the water park, it's great for like a week, and then you're just tired and you want to lie down. Faith is like a water park. I don't think I could handle a lifetime of Faith....but she'd be fun to hang out with from time to time. Gary is too excited about having water park passes right now. Pace yourself, Gary.

Leslie again wants to dance. Now everyone joins in on the dancing. Gary reminds me of the dog from Up! He just seems simple and happy to have people around to hang out with. Gary's a good dude, I'm just not sure there's much there with him. 

Gary gives the human water park the first impression rose. She's in this for the long haul. I'm still not sold. 

The rose ceremony was boring as hell. I love that the old people version of this show is only an hour long and everyone goes to bed at a decent hour. Nobody of consequence was sent home, nobody that was sent home went pyscho, nobody drank too much......maybe it is a little more mature.

Nope. In the "coming up this season" montage, we get Gary crying to Jesse Palmer that "the worst I've ever felt in my life is when my wife passed away, and this is a goddamn close second." WHAT POSSIBLY ON THIS SHOW COULD BE CLOSE TO YOUR WIFE DYING?" Then again...that's a pretty good life he's lived if the only bad things he can think of is his wife dying and whatever this is.

Bachelorette 2020 Week 5 - Upgrade!

 So I know I didn't blog last week, but you know what? Sort of a lot happened last week and it took me about six different tv watching sessions to get through the episode. Anyways, to recap - Clare decided Dale was the one, the guys were rightfully bitter that they quarantined for however long and then most of them never even really got to date her and the season was over. The only guy that really has any sort of a right to be upset here though is Jason, who actually got a one on one and was pretty honest and open with her and actually had a chance to develop a "relationship." 

Anyways, they bring in Tayshia and.....

Actually I'm gonna stop here and bring up the fact that quarantine rules seem pretty lax on this show. A few weeks ago we had Margaret Cho and Deanna Pappas just show up, and now they've got a whole new Bachelorette already COVID screened and quarantined and ready to go? How is that possible? I need to know more about this.

Ok so they bring in Tayshian and it seems like 95% of the guys are like "Clare Who?" within about 30 seconds. 

Good for them, but also it speaks to the nonsense of saying things like "I put my life on hold for her! I sacrificed so much for a chance with Clare!" Poppycock! You wanted to be on TV. Personality-wise, I'm not sure you could have two more different people than Clare and Tayshia, but we'll see how this goes.

Chris lets a few of the guys peacock for her...and I must say that I had no idea a few of these guys (was there an Ivan?) were still on the show. Then he blows the thing up by saying he's bringing some new guys on the show in a limo! 

Turtleneck Bro says "we got a whole ass limo out there!" I've never thought about half ass limos before, but that could be interesting. Spencer is the first guy out of the limo, and he seems like a ok guy...cracks a joke about who let Clare get away or something. The old guys are not finding the humor in more guys showing up. Also.....they had a whole stable of dudes ready to go? How long was the break between Clare leaving and Tayshia showing up? They made it seem like it was a day or two....but did these guys get two weeks with nothing to do at this resort waiting for Tayshia and these dudes to quarantine?

Also, remember back in 2019 when you heard someone had to quarantine and you thought they were radioactive or were in a plastic bubble or super secure facility?

Ivan (there is an Ivan!) says "this is the most excited I've been since I've been here" so.....not really there for Clare were you bud? 

Zac C. seems like he has no sense of humor. He reminds me of a guy that you'd crack an innocent joke about and he'd just stare at you and say "what are you trying to say? Why would you say that?" and make everything awkward. 

Tayshia has a rough moment when talking to Boy Band Kenny. He says that he's "books bands" and she says "oh so you're into the whole band and music thing?" That'd be like if she was talking to Tiger Woods who said he was playing in the Masters next week and she says "oh, so you're into golf?"

This show seems way too normal with Tayshia. Emotions aren't over the top, nobody is freaking out, it's like real life for now. I'm gonna need some drama before too long to keep my interest level up.

Then we get the upcoming scenes and we get this image:

Say no more! I'm all in.

And then we go back into Clare and Dale. 

They're so insane. Clare's crying about how much anxiety she had "pacing around the pool." She just wants a guy to walk around the pool...not just when she's in a ball gown, but when she's in yoga pants too! Ummm...she knows guys like yoga pants right? I just did an image search for yoga pants, and I decided against posting a gif because it felt....not appropriate. I mean, if you took a poll of 100 guys and asked them if they preferred a girl in a Disney Princess ball gown or a pair of yoga pants, the vote is at least 50/50 right? Just another example of Clare living in a fantasy world. She's talking about Dale being "vulnerable" on Instagram, and how she wants to have babies, and who knows what else. I'm not saying this is going to blow up spectacularly....but it could blow up spectacularly.

Group date time! We get like a shot of Tayshia coming out of the pool for the 1000th time. She then admonishes the guys for wearing shirts and tells them to 'take it off so I can see what we're working with.' All of a sudden, none of the guys seem to have a problem with playing strip pool basketball. Same group of guys, same situation where a Bachelorette asks them to wear hardly any clothing and compete for her affection, two weeks apart, and now it's not even a plot point. Tayshia decided that despite the guys are all speedo'ed up, she'll put on regular clothes again. What a mess.

Jason's still in his feelings for Clare which seems - genuine? I have a hard time believing anything is genuine on this show, but he seems like a real dude. Unlike Turtleneck Brendan, who says that getting the first one on one date gives him "validation." I don't believe that guy at all.

Zac and Tayshia have a real ridiculous conversation where they ask each other why they're single, which is an absurd question. Zac says he's single because he just hasn't found it yet....which, obviously. Tayshia on the other hand says that "there's no men where I live, just boys chasing things." Is Peter Pan her neighbor? 

Riley and Spencer keep up their feud that started in the pool. Riley says "back home we'd call you Lunchmeat because you talk a lot of shit." Lunchmeat talks shit? I'm not really sure Riley explained that name all that well. 

Tayshia tells Spencer she loves that he fought for her - you know because he got elbowed in the pool. Eazy gets the group date rose though, which honestly is a good call by her. He seems like a quality first date dude....it's gonna be fun, there's not gonna be any awkward silences.....don't know how well that translates to a full relationship though. Not saying it can't, but can he sustain that energy over years and years?

Jason mans up, admits his feelings for Clare, and honorably bows out of the competition. Good on you, Jason. Quality move right there. Jason seems like a real good dude.

Brendan's date is absurd. Horseback riding around the pool? Brendan also says "I was here for Clare, but you're actually more my style anyways." This show is so full of shit sometimes man. Hilarious. 

Chris Harrison hustling around the resort hocking beverages and snacks is pretty hilarious actually. He really needed to hop out of the pool with a snorkel offering bud lights or something. Tayshia so far has kissed Zac and Brendan.....who honestly seem like the two most BORING dudes there. I need to re-evaluate how I feel about Tayshia. She gives Eazy the rose on the group date, but she's kissing the boring ass dudes? What is happening?

Brendan and Tayshia bond over their failed marriages, he gets a rose, and they genuinely seem happy together, there are literal fireworks, and the episode is over. Hoping for more figurative fireworks next week!

Bachelorette 2020 Week 3: Hypocrites, All of You!

Normally, I write as I watch the show, but this week I decided to watch the entire show, then blog about it. This may mean fewer direct quotes from the episode, and maybe I forget a few key things, but it sure does save me some time. Let's see how this goes:

Time for the Yosef-Clare showdown! Remember when Riley got all up in arms about Yosef speaking for the group, because he's a grown ass man and can speak for himself? Well meet hypocrite one of the night, as Yosef, Harvard Bennett, and Riley have a conversation about how Yosef should speak up to Clare about the lack of respect she showed on the strip dodgeball date. Not going to handle this one yourself, Riley?

This is actually a pretty time-honored tactic on Bachelor shows - bunch of guys egg one guy on to address a problem they all have, knowing if it goes sideways he's gonna be the one getting the boot.

Well guess what? It goes sideways. Like Paul Giamatti, Thomas Hayden Church level sideways. Yosef starts out well, although I still think it's a bit disingenuous of him to say he was offended by her calling the guys out for not showing her more love on the first group date now, when he "tried to speak for the group" to apologize for their behavior in the moment. Anyways, he's pretty respectful, but then he drops the "oldest bachelorette in history," which....yikes. I don't think he was meaning it to sound as bad as it did, but at that point you could tell Clare was done listening to him, so he just went Yosemite Sam and emptied both barrels into her

So Yosef is here mansplaining classless behavior to Clare, Clare is in full "I'm a strong, independent woman, you can't tell me I'm wrong!" mode, and it just devolves from there. Yosef fires off a few "I would never strip on TV...what would my daughter think? Well, you had no problem showing off your "fresh out the shower" look for the camera's night one, Yosef! Also, is following a woman around yelling at her about how old and classless she is, attacking things you know she's self conscious about setting a good example for your daughter man? 

Anyways, this drama leads to our first "COCKTAIL PARTY IS CANCELLED!" moment of the season. Boo hoo. A bunch of guys you don't care about are let go.

All this, and we haven't had a date yet! Well, we still don't, as Clare decides to cancel a "fun day date" activity to have a smaller cocktail party with the guys. But psyche! it's not a cocktail party either! It's a "let me whisk Dale off to my bedroom and dry hump for an hour!" date. The guys - rightfully so - are a little annoyed. Eazy trots off to find them, and wanders in to a makeout session....awkward. A bunch of other one on one chats happen until Dale "accidentally" walks in on Clare with a dude. Clare immediately dismisses the poor sap, and makes out with Dale some more. More guys are upset.

One on One date with Zach J. Zach J is like a human dog. Seems nice, also probably gets confused every time he hears a phone ring on television, even though it's not his ringtone. He was baffled when Clare told him she liked getting pedicures to unwind....like he didn't know what a pedicure was, or that the idea of relaxing was so foreign to him his brain just shut down or something. Anyways, the rest of the date isn't important until Clare goes in for a kiss, but the slams on the brakes about two inches from Zach's lips. Zach, understandably, is confused. Clare takes his confusion as a sign of repulsion at the thought of kissing her, so she swears at him and walks away, refusing to talk about it with him. Zach tries to show her he's prepared to kiss her, and tries to pull her in for the kiss, but the moment is gone. Clare retreats to her room, cries while cuddling her dogs, Zach wanders around in a beach towel bewildered, then gets stood up at dinner until Clare sends Chris Harrison to dismiss him. 

My analysis of this: Clare is so in the tank for Dale that she's now inventing reasons to get rid of other guys. She decided to hesitate on the kiss to make Zach come the last 5% of the way to her. Zach wasn't expecting it and froze, and she now turned this into "he doesn't want to kiss me, I have to get rid of him." But then Clare-Bear takes it like 75 steps to far, imagining that he pulled away (he definitely didn't), then interpreting his trying to show her he wasn't against kissing her as him "aggressively grabbing her." Major Clare hypocrisy for touting her strength and "finding her voice" and all that all season, then sending out her pseudo-dad Chris Harrison to dump poor Zach. Rough break Zach, I hope you get to go to Pandemic Paradise, wherever they have that. Oh and Clare.....

On to the final group date of the night.....a roast! Clare encourages the guys to dish it out, because she loves a guy who can make her laugh and knows how to have fun. Margaret Cho is here (also DeAnna Pappas made an appearance), because apparently everyone's been quarantining for weeks to be trotted out for five minutes, and, so ABC can get Dale on this date, the rest of the guys will be in the audience to hear the roasting.

Most of the guys are a little jealous of Dale, so they go HAM on Dale. Particularly Bennett, whose jokes range from pretty funny to "not really a joke, just a mean comment." Anyways, Clare no longer thinks jokes are funny, and at one point calls Dale "my fiancé" to a producer. After the date, Clare continually cuts off guys talking about themselves or her to focus on their Dale jokes or comments, then hilariously tells all the guys she "didn't get what she needed from them" and refuses to give out the group date rose. Again, she refuses to give the guys room to grow their relationships with her, then admonishes them for not growing their relationship. 

I'll admit, I was pretty much expecting Clare to melt down and be a trainwreck as The Bachelorette, but I thought I'd enjoy it more than this. She just kinda sucks and has created her own reality about what is going on here, where her and Dale are  victims of some conspiracy to keep them apart. Thankfully it looks like Tayshia is going to emerge from some sort of underwater COVID free bunker in a bikini to get us back on track soon. Yippee!

COVID BaDalerette Week Two

Let's start this special Dale-centric episode of the Bachelorette with some famous Dales:

We start with a Romeo and Juliet montage of guys saying grandiose but generic love things, because really they don't know her....I mean some of these guys were in high school when she was on the show last time. But basically, it's blah, blah, blah, blah, let's get to Dale. He says some mumbojumbo about her spirit and her energy like she's a fucking poltergeist, but of course it's music to her ears. "I've never had guys talk to me like this before!" says the woman who has never been on a national TV show in a fake tower while guys on a stage are forced to say things to her. Oh Clare....so hot, and yet so dumb. She looks and acts like a woman half her age.

Next, the guys have to give her gifts. I'm trying to figure out why guys brought some of this stuff with them (the baseball from the last game they played in, chess pieces). I mean, yes they are important and significant, but would you bring the baseball from the last game you played on vacation? Hell no you wouldn't, that thing is priceless! 

But really, let's talk about Dale. He brought a bottle of dog cologne. NO. Dogs are not people. Dogs don't use deodorant or need perfume. They smell like dogs, and that's ok, because they are dogs. If I have one pet peeve, it's treating animals like humans. I love my dog, but I do not treat him like a human child. I call that guy a fucker three times a day and have no qualms about sequestering him in the bathroom with a baby gate if he gets hyper. He sleeps in a crate and eats dog food. 

Next we do blindfolded hugs. It makes sense for Clare to be blindfolded, but why are the guys? I mean...they know who they're hugging....no mystery there. Clare says she knows who a guy is because of how he smells. Some other dude that looks like a poor man's Colin Jost (I'm done with names at this point because I already don't care if they're not named Dale) perks up and says he's big on smell too. "My stepmother drilled into me at age 12 that boys are supposed to smell good and it isn't that hard to do." 

Well, if that ain't the creepiest thing ever said on this show. We tell Jonah to wear deodorant so he doesn't smell like a hobo, but we're drilling into him "don't smell bad," which I think is far different than encouraging your 12 year old to wear Joop or whatever the kids are wearing these days.

On to the actual date part of the night. Harvard guy makes sure to let her know he's a Harvard guy. Clare can't let go of the fact that the guys got a little awkward when she showed up. I mean, it is kind of strange when there's one girl in a group of 10 guys and all the guys are trying to hook up with her. So you know what? She's gonna cut Harvard guy off while he's talking to go lecture the guys for not showing her how awesome she was. "At the end of the day, I'm a woman," Clare says, as if that means anything. What's the alternative...at the end of the day, I'm a banana?"

Dale of course steps up and says his piece about how she's never gonna feel that way again as if he can promise that...but let's be honest....if she's gonna flip out over an awkward silence in a group, you're gonna have a real hard time not making her feel offended when you say "hang on let me finish this email," or "Hon can you move a little to the left? I can't see the TV." 

Then Riley and Yosef get into it because Yosef said "let me speak for the group," and Riley is a grown ass man that speaks for himself. Riley is being overly sensitive here, but Yosef is too insecure to just apologize and move on. Instead, he continues to explain why it's ok for him to speak for the group, even though he knows it bothers Riley. Testosterone man....it's a hell of a drug.

Clare then gives one of the guys her life's story, but she tells it like some sort of preacher telling the story of Jesus to his parishioners....eyes closed, head tilted towards the sky, every word is a thunderbolt from her soul. Nobody loves themselves some Clare more than Clare.

Some more guys let her preach her truth, with lots of "you go girl!" words of encouragement to her. Riley gets the date rose for dancing to an imaginary Boyz II men song with her and asking her what she wants in a husband. Honestly surprised that Dale didn't get it. The Dale Show is a bit derailed.

Yosef says that he thought Clare came off as hot headed and immature (true) and that she's not living up to who he thought she was. THIS IS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS DUDE.....do some research next time. This is like saying "I was really surprised at how mean Trump was...he's not living up to who I thought he was."

Jason gets the first one-on-one date, but before that, Clare gives him some homework: write a letter to your former self. Jason is not real keen on this idea, but he's gonna soldier through. Clare says that she's really funny and the first to crack jokes to make others feel comfortable....which is the exact opposite of how she responded to the awkward silence on her group date. Clare is bonkers. Attractive, but bonkers. She's the kind of girl that guys try to convince themselves that they can get past or tone down her emotional ups and downs, but then end up too far down the road to get out and just completely frustrated with the relationship.

They then write down their faults, which seems like the worst first date idea in history. "Hey, why don't you tell me everything bad about yourself before I know a single good thing." That's a big hole to dig yourself out of Jason. Clare then cries, reading a letter she wrote about things she already knows that happened twenty years ago. I guess I'm extremely thankful that there's nothing in my past that traumatic, because this seems so foreign to me. Jason reads his letter and then talks about himself like he's Bruce Banner and if you get him angry or make him feel too much, the Hulk is gonna show up and destroy everything. Once again, The Bachelor proves that if you allude to having demons but not really say anything other than "I've had a rough life emotionally" you are almost guaranteed a rose. Can't wait to hear Harvard Rob or whatever his name is say "I've had a step up on everyone since the day I was born, and my life has been awesome." No way you get a rose after saying that, even if it is true.

Then they burn the Juan Pablo dress, which  to me is kind of weird, because I thought it would symbolize to her the day she found her voice and to never let a man dictate her feelings to her again, but whatever. Way to turn a positive into a negative.

Group date time! Time to play dodgeball. You know those college football videos where they show the team their new jerseys and everyone goes nuts? This was like that, only way dorkier. The guys come in to some $4 tank tops and shorts that look like they were purchased at the Champion outlet store and the guys are clapping and acting excited to have these dorky jerseys.

Lucky for them, they won't have them on long, because Clare turns this into strip dodgeball. What is even happening? Blue team really couldn't wait to get those jerseys off as they get swept and have to get naked down to their matching blue jockstraps. A few guys go full monty, but at least one refuses to show his twig n' berries. Good on you bud, and shame on ABC for creating an environment where people feel pressured to show off their junk before they're ready to. Also, I don't find this entertaining to watch at all, and I'd feel super creepy if a dude made the ladies play strip dodgeball as well. What does Clare learn from this? That the guys she already knew were super fit are actually super fit? Is she gonna claim she's here to find love, but only if the guy is packing a security guard's flashlight in his pants? So bizarre.

Bearded rule breaker Blake is not happy being naked and alone, so he clothes himself up and returns to the fray. The guys are like shocked that he'd show such blatant disrespect for the rules. All the winners are pissed and decide to posse up to shame him out of his time with Clare. They basically want him to leave because they "won fair and square" and Clare basically tells them "get out of here, I got this." She then basically shoos Blake away. Apparently breaking the rules to talk to her is cool when nobody is telling her it's messed up. Now it's not as great to break the rules if Clare is gonna get criticism for rewarding it.

Brandon the real estate dude tries to get somewhere with Clare by saying she's beautiful, but she's like "tell me more about myself" and he's like "nah fam, that's all I know." and she's like "you didn't even watch my season?" and he's like "dude I told you were beautiful, I know you feel what I feel too!" And she's like "bro, you don't know what I think" and she kicks his ass out. Take note guys, if you can't tell how strong and smart and funny and outspoken she is, you're going the hell home. Then, she tells every guy there that she sent him home because she's been in superficial relationships before and that's not what she's here for, which means we're in store for a lot of over the top, grandiose statements about the content of Clare's character and the depth of her soul.....buckle up everyone!

Yosef now goes into how much he dislikes Clare, which....I guess that's his right. He doesn't HAVE to like Clare, and if he doesn't see her as someone he wants in his daughter's life, well then he's gotta go. This should be interesting.....

Clare then opens the cocktail party by talking about how much fun she had the watching the blue team get naked, but it was "all in good fun." About those superficial relationships she was mentioning.....

Keeping with the contradictory vibes, Clare then pulls rule breaker Blake away to tell him privately that she DOES like his rule breaking. Again, it's cool to break the rules, but not when Clare might be criticized for condoning it. Then she makes sure everyone knows she condones it by giving Blake a rose. So weird. 

Let's close with some Dale time. Clare tells Dale she has a gift for him.....and it's a blindfold. Is this some sort of heightened senses thing? I don't get putting a blindfold him when he knows you're going to kiss him. I also don't get why, if that makes kissing so much better and it's a gift that she seemed excited to give him, that he took it off so quickly. WTF is going on with this lady.

I guess the Yosef/Clare showdown will have to wait for another day. To be continued.......

COVID BACHELORETTE BLOG

 If there's a sign that maybe, just MAYBE, things are going to return to normal soon, it's that the mutha f'in Bachelorette is back on my screen. I can't overstate how excited I am to have Clare back on my TV. There may not be an "I" in Clare, but there fucking should be because she is constant drama and it's all about her 24/7. 

Now might be a good time to say that Clare is definitely in the top 3 all-time person/raccoon buddy relationships, joining Pocohontas and Buddy the Elf.

Clare is from Sacramento, which is probably the first city to ever be mentioned on the Bachelor franchise that nobody will ever say is "the perfect place to fall in love." Think of all the places in California you'd like to visit, and I'll bet Sacramento is way down the list. 

Ooooh, a Juan Pablo flashback! Man, I forgot how ruthless Juan Pablo was. "Hooo, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" he says as she reads him the riot act. To give you an idea of how long it's been since Clare was on The Bachelor, during that flashback I could just look at Clare's outfit and hairstyle and the whole setting of that scene and think "Wow, that's got a real mid-2010s vibe to it."

Does anyone dress like this anymore?

Actually nobody dresses like anything anymore. #thankscovid. I'm about to wear out my favorite pair of sweatpants, which is saying something....because sweatpants last forever. I mean, maybe the elastic wears out, but that's like 15 years down the road. Now we get the COVID recap from Clare.....which seems so outdated. We all went through the fear about hugging our moms and all that MONTHS ago. Bonus points for the dramatic "COVID may mean I never get to meet my husband." 

Now we get a contrived and very insincere "what if I have COVID?" pacing scene. I mean, we all know that this wouldn't be on TV if she tested positive before the season even started, so why put it in there months later? Surprise...no COVID!

 

Let's meet the men!

Demar is a spin cycle instructor, which.....is a profession that screams he's probably got a Soundcloud album he's trying to get noticed.

Before we really get any info on these guys, we see a quick montage of them checking into the hotel and starting the quarantine process while awaiting test results. They do all the hokey stuff like jumping on the bed and fake meditating, which I guess is funny if you've never seen the great Harland Williams movie Rocketman. Now that's how you make isolation funny. Low marks for the Harvard guy, who is definitely going to play the privileged white dude to the max. Then again, I think we're supposed to hate him, so he's doing his job.

I realize that a majority of my readership is probably women, so I may get a few eye rolls when I say this, but Clare is gorgeous. I mean, she's one of the prettiest people ever on this show. Sadly, she's also super emotional and crazy. I mean, she talks about how excited she is to meet a "smoking hot" man, and when Chris asks her how she's changed from the woman who got out of the limo on Juan Pablo's season, and she immediately says "you mean that girl who got out of the limo?" Clare honey, you were 33 years old. She then starts crying talking about her dad, which is basically what she was doing six years ago on the show, so maybe we're still that same girl who got out of the limo after all.

Clare says she can pick her husband out the second she meets him, which makes you wonder how she's 39 and single with a strong, documented history of picking completely awful men who treat her poorly. Maybe this is a new development from her, though the teasers leading into every commercial sure make me feel like she's blowing smoke up our butts with this talk of her newfound husband radar.

As they wait for the limos, Chris gives her a pep talk and says "hey, you showed up....you always do" and Clare I just about lost it. Chris is America's dad at this point right? I don't know who it was before, but it's definitely Chris Harrison now.

First out of the limo is Ben the Army Ranger. He's very soldier like - no emotion - and has them do a breathing exercise. I'm trying to think of any scenario where I'd meet someone for the first time and ask them to do a deep breath with me where they wouldn't be like "GTFO dude, you're creeping me out." Maybe if I was their therapist or something. Anyways, Clare is so horny she finds it refreshing.

Attorney Riley says she's guilty of looking beautiful. Seems like that kind of thing works for him. Works on Clare. Didn't work on me.

Zac forgot his K or his H. He's an addiction specialist. He seems forgettable.

Tall man in short pants wearing velvet shoes. His name's Jordan. Doesn't matter. His pants are borderline capris. Pass.

Jason is a football player, and I'd make a joke about him taking one too many shots to the head if that was still socially acceptable. He riffed on Clare faking a pregnancy on Juan Pablos season during her intro, which I'd completely forgotten about but makes total sense with her personality.

Ivan works his mom and a foreign language into his opener. Strong play.

Kenny the boy band manager looks like the kind of guy that acts like he's in the boy band himself. I'll bet Kenny was in a boy band in his younger days, only his band never made it out of the county fair circuit, and he always thought it was because he had a shitty manager, and not because of his own mediocre talent. Now, a decade later, he's probably got some spoiled punk kid who thinks he's Justin Bieber breathing down his neck and  he's like "these kids today just don't get it." 

Brendan the roofer looks way out of his element. 

Canadian Mike brought slippers.

Jeremy the Banker says he wants to make her laugh as much as possible, but everything about him is putting me to sleep.

And now for a new segment in the blog we'll call "If Andy was a Producer on The Bachelorette," where I tell you a scene I would've filmed.

You know how when your kid gets a gift card to Target and immediately demands you take them there even though they have no idea what they want and just start pulling the first toy they see off the shelf and trying to talk themselves into how much they love this toy and you have to beg them to put it down and keep looking, and then they see another toy that sucks even more, but since they've seen it more recently than the toy they just put down they HAVE to have it, and you do this like 14 times before you settle on a toy that they don't really want but you at least can live with it in your house? I feel like that's Clare with every guy that gets out of the limo. Anyways, here's the scene:

Clare: THIS is the guy
Chris Harrison: Ho-ho-hold on there, Clare-bear (remember, he's her dad). We've still got 15 guys to go.
Clare: I don't know, Chris, that guy was a BOY BAND MANAGER who screen printed my dogs onto the bodies of colonial times people. How can I not marry him?
Chris Harrison: Kevin seemed very nice....but you haven't met this guy yet. He's a commercial roofer.
Clare: Nope.....I want the boy band manager (she can't admit she wants the guy her dad likes).
*A fitness instructor gets out of the limo in Tyler Cameron tight pants*
Clare: Nevermind, you're right. THIS is the guy.

And scene.

Now we get to the stereotypical contestant section. West Virginia guy goes full West Virginian (all he was missing was a plug of tobaccy in his cheek), and then Harvard guy goes full Harvard. Short beard guy plays the best friend angle, we get an awkward guy of some ethnicity, we get a millennial named AJ that spouts some random fact about eye color that he probably got off a TikTok video, an Asian doctor, a Floridian named Robby for the 47th season in a row, and a flashy former athlete in a salmon suit who goes by "Eazy," and then straight jacket guy, suit of armor guy, parachute guy, and guy in a bubble. 

Hilariously, the guy who seems to think that there's a lot of guys there for the wrong reasons is former athlete who calls himself "Eazy." 

Up next is Dale, the handsome tall drink of water who is 8 years Clare's junior and another former football player. Clare's definitely found someone worthy of spending her Target gift card on. 

Clare's life is apparently a Netflix Original movie. She begins speaking about meeting Dale in hyperbolic terms and how everything got fuzzy in the background behind him while he's talking. She all but declares the competition done, and Dale the winner. Dale getting out of a limo is like Vince Carter in a dunk contest

Clare then addresses all the guys and almost breaks down talking about how she was so hopeful that today was the last day she'd have to wake up alone and how hard it is to have to be strong all the time. I'm not sure why she has to be strong, and why she doesn't have to be strong if she's in a relationship? That's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on yourself there Clare. 

Clare's dog Honey then makes an appearance, and I'm a sucker for dogs. Honey seems cool, and it'd almost be worth putting up with Clare's emotional roller coaster just to hang out with Honey.

Clare then admits she's never seen My Cousin Vinnie, which is kind of unbelievable for a person of her age. She also makes the bizarre statement that these guys are all here and sacrificed "so much" to make sure she finds love. Ummm.....they gave up a few months of quarantine for some time at a resort in Palm Springs? 

Uh oh....Yosef and West Virginia have a history. Apparently Yosef's been sliding into Tyler's female friend's DMs. Yosef tries to get ahead of the situation by pulling Clare aside, but Clare does maybe the first thing on this show that I agree with her about: She just calls them both together and cuts to the quick - Tyler says he saw a video that was "a masked message" whatever that means, and then Yosef says he has "more respect for himself" than to send a girl a message on IG or something. In any event, neither of those guys are going to win now. Nice job guys. Seems like it'd be easy to figure this out...you know, if Chris Harrison just broke out his phone.

Clare is so happy that Short Bearded guy "broke the rules" to ask her how she was doing during quarantine. Clare is so impressed that he was the only guy to do that. Um...maybe because it's AGAINST THE RULES? Anyways, Clare found a guy that was willing to risk his shot at pseudo-fame on the show to let her know that he cared about her as a person. I'm happy for her, and happy that she acknowledged that, because those are the right reasons. 

Then  of course she gives the first impression rose to Dale and makes out with him. Fuckin A Clare. Fuckin. A.

Rose Ceremony time! Guys are complaining about Tyler and Yosef and their five minute argument on a night that probably lasted 10 hours ruined their chances of spending time with Clare. I'm sure that was the problem and not all the time she spent making out with Dale.

Beardy gets the first rose...good for him! Do we call that the second impression rose? Salmon Suit Eazy, some guy named Ben, Riley the Lawyer, one of the Zac(k)(h)'s, one of the Tylers, Doctor Asian, dummy football player Jason, Demar the spin cycle instructor, Chasen with the big teeth, capri pants Jordan, Blake without the beard or chest hair, Boy Band Kenny, Brendan the roofer, a couple of guys dressed like lounge singers, Harvard douche, the other Zac(k)(h), straight jacket guy (c'mon Clare!), another random guy ro two, and now we're down to the last rose....and it goes to Yosef the Dad/Instagram Creep (allegedly). 

West Virginia might've wanted to keep his Instagram bomb in his buckskin trousers for a little while longer because he's gone, along with some tattooed guy named Page and a few other inconsequentials.

Wow...I'd kind of forgotten how long it takes to blog one of these episodes! Still, it felt good to get back to something that was part of pre-quarantine times. Looking forward to what drama Clare creates for herself next week!

The Pandemic Might Have Saved My Life

Ok, that might be a little bit of exaggeration....but let me explain.

I struggled with when I should write this, or even if I should write this. Thousands of people have died, millions have lost jobs, felt isolated and cut off from the people and things they love....and here I am thinking this might be the best thing that could've happened to me. I acknowledge that my privilege has made this incredibly easy on me, and it's not something I take for granted, I promise you.

Those feelings of depression and isolation are not absent in this house, mind you. Our kids are handling it as well as can be expected, but they've had to sacrifice so much more than I have to keep the community safe.

The list of things my kids have sacrificed:

• Jonah missed his state basketball tournament
• Jocelyn missed her dance recital
• Jonah missed his first middle school track season
• Jocelyn missed out on several field trips at school she was looking forward to
• Outdoor school was cancelled for Jonah
• They both missed their spring soccer seasons
• They've had summer camps cancelled
• Sleepovers have not happened. It wasn't until recently that we have softened our stance and let them see friends for outdoor playdates. 

The list of things I have sacrificed:

• Commuting to work
• A summer vacation (we had designs early on of going to Spain, but that probably wasn't going to happen even before COVID hit, so in all likelihood I just gave up a train trip to Wisconsin to see my in-laws, who are wonderful people, mind you. But honestly, how many of you out there see "train trip to Wisconsin to see the in-laws" and think "Andy, you lucky son of a bitch?")
• Watching my kids do all of the above stuff (minus the sleepovers....kind of glad those have been put on hiatus). 

That's it. The biggest thing I've sacrificed is watching my kids do things. I feel a little guilty about how little this has affected me, when so many are dealing with so much more. 

"But Andy," you're probably saying right now, "how does any of this tie into the ridiculous title of this blog post?" Good question.

So far I've lost 30 pounds since the shutdown began, and it's embarrassing how easy it's been. I don't say this to minimize the struggles of weight loss, because for normal people, it's hard to lose 30 pounds.....really hard. For me, it's because of one simple reason.

I work from home now.

It took a global pandemic for me to make necessary changes in my life. How pathetic is that? 

Since high school, I've just steadily gained weight. Somewhere, there's a picture of 15 year old me with glasses on and a hat that's slightly too big for my head. It looks like I just finished my 4,000th round of chemotherapy. My skin is so pale, I look like a member of the Cullen family of Forks, Washington on a cloudy day. Then I turned 16 and got a car. Now I could drive places to get food. 

When I was 17, McDonalds had a little promotion called Monopoly. Wikipedia tells me they started the promo in the 1980s, but it was HUGE in 1996. I'd go every chance I got, and of course I'd get the supersized double quarter pound meal to maximize my chances of winning. All I won was more food. Fortunately for me, when you're 17 it doesn't really matter what you eat. I remember eating a DQP meal one day at lunch, driving back to school, realizing we were running a timed mile in PE, and going out and running a 6 minute mile less than an hour later. 

When I went to college, I suddenly had multiple fast food restaurants within walking distance of my dorm, and a student ID card loaded with money. I was a forestry major when I started, and that first semester, I had a day or two a week where we were out in the woods all afternoon, usually in the rain, looking at trees. Being the dork that I was, the only rain gear I had was bright yellow and made me look like I belonged on a box of Gorton's fish sticks. I hated it. We'd get back from the arboretum around 5, I'd be starving, and I'd have to walk a mile across campus from Peavy Hall to Wilson Hall (again in the rain) to get to my dorm. Halfway between Peavy and Wilson is the Memorial Union, and I would stop there, wait in line in my fish stick outfit, and get a Double Whopper meal at Burger King. Even on days I didn't go out in the woods, I was still making that walk past the MU and still stopping at BK. I think I ran out of money on my ID card with almost a month to go in the semester, so I lived on cereal and ramen for a month. After that, I didn't do a better job of budgeting my money, I just asked my parents to load more onto my account. 

This was the beginning of a 20 plus year love affair with fast food. Fast forward to 2019, and I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings once a week for lunch with a co-worker. On the days I'm not doing that, I'm walking or driving the half mile to the shopping center where there's a Burger King, Subway, and a Safeway with a killer deal on fried chicken and jojos for lunch most other days. I just can't stop eating crap.

Exercise, of course, became the enemy. Anything more than a walk hurt my body and I'd get winded rather quickly. I had trouble sleeping sometimes because I just didn't feel good. I've known I needed to make changes, and I've tried several times over the years, but none of it ever stuck or worked very long....the notable exception being the year I was roped into running Hood to Coast with my family and I was so scared of not being able to complete my legs that I forced myself to run pretty much every day for six months to prepare. I lost some weight and did just fine in the race, but as soon as it was over I felt like I never wanted to run ever again.

Then the pandemic hit. All of a sudden, my access to fast food was severed. I simply didn't leave the house and ate what we had here. Within three weeks, I had lost 12 pounds without doing really anything. Then I started jogging in the evenings. I'd always go about three miles, but usually walking the last two. Before long, I was making it the full three miles without stopping. While the weight loss hasn't been as drastic, it's been steady, and this morning, I weighed myself and I was down a full 30 pounds, from 258 to 228. I need to drop just a few more pounds to get my BMI out of the "obese" category, and let me tell you something....having that Wii Fit Board not say in it's chipper voice "that's obese!" every time I weigh myself is going to be the greatest thing ever.

I feel better. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have boundless energy, and my skin is now perfect and my hair has gone from white to sandy brown or that I'm able to run marathons and bench press my car. It's not like that at all. But I sleep better. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling until 2 or 3 in the morning doesn't happen much these last few months. I've had more dreams in the past four months than probably in the previous ten years that I can remember - last night I was playing soccer with Alex Morgan in her twin sister Alice Morgan, who doesn't exist (I googled it. She has two sisters, Jeni and Jeri. They aren't twins.) There have been times over the past several years where I've had this dull pain in my left shoulder and chest area that I wondered if it was from sleeping on my side or if I was having a heart attack. I don't have that anymore, or at least it hasn't happened since February which seems like a longer than normal stretch between "episodes."

My phone tracks my steps and my miles traveled a day. I'm pretty sure the mileage is overstated, but the steps seem fairly accurate. My step count this year has gone from 7,209 per day in January to 14,330 in June. A lot of that is because I have time. I can go for a walk or a jog in the morning before work without waking up at 5:00 am because there's no commute anymore. If I don't shower until noon, nobody cares. I can walk after work because there's no sports to get my kids to.

But all the exercise in the world wasn't going to make up for the way I was eating. I used my credit card at Burger King AND McDonalds on March 13th. I don't remember what I got or why, but the fact that hitting up two fast food restaurants in a day wasn't significant enough for me to remember should tell you all you need to know. 

So do I want this pandemic to end? Absolutely. This isn't about me. I want things to go back to as normal as possible. I want my kids to go to school in September. Our office has stated that people can continue to work from home until October 1st, but I'm planning on asking if I can make this permanent, and pointing to my health improvements as a reason why I should be allowed to continue to do so. I'm fortunate enough to work for an organization that I think will at least consider it, given my productivity level hasn't decreased.

But think about this: It took a worldwide pandemic that took the lives of hundreds of thousands of people for me to get serious about my eating habits. 

Bachelorette 2019 Week One: Release the Beast

Remember when you were a kid, and that first day of summer vacation started? The excitement, the feeling that anything was possible, that you were definitely going to have the BEST. TIME. EVER.

Then reality hits and it's just hot as balls and you're mostly spending your time by yourself on the couch playing the same video games you played after school the week before and the only thing you know how to cook is boiling hot dogs in water so every lunch is exactly the same and about the time you hit the first of August, you find yourself thinking "damn, I kinda want summer to be over so I can go back to school."

That's me with this franchise. Every season, I'm thinking it's going to be amazing, then it ends up being largely the same as every other season, and about halfway through I'm looking forward to something else.

But hey, this year, we've got Hannah Beast! She's different right? I have my doubts that she's good for TV different, but we'll see.

The episode starts with a preview montage of the season. Some dude says "Hannah is about as real as it gets. She's not an actress, she's not a movie star...she's just a real girl looking for love." A real girl....that was MISS FREAKING ALABAMA USA. As unreal as it gets. I only know one other Miss Alabama USA, and guess what...she's not a real girl looking for love either. She's married to a former Heisman Trophy runner up and was the target of Brent Musberger's affection during the 2013 College Football National Championship Game.

So no...Miss Alabama USA is not "a real girl." It's like calling Damian Lillard "just a guy who plays basketball." From there we get Hannah asserting that these guys "know nothing about her," which backs up my claim that these douchenozzles think she is "just a real girl looking for love."

Then we get the recap of Hannah's journey from doofus who couldn't make a toast to Bachelorette. We get her talking to a group of six year old ballerinas telling them to always be a part of something that makes them happy.....because there's lots of six year olds out there that need that message. Think it would've hit harder with a group of 14 year olds in 4H or band or something, but whatever. She gives the self-deprecating "I'm a lot to handle, so it's gonna take a real man to handle me" speech as she cavorts on the beach in a bikini. Let's get to the guys, because that's the real interesting part of this show.

Nope..first we get Demi and Katie...also known as America's first two choices for Bachelorette. They have a real minor cameo, and we start with Tyler the dancing contractor. He likes riding on boats with his dog.

Next up is Peter the pilot. He is spontaneous and wants to get lunch in New Orleans.

Mike the Air Force Portfolio Manager is next. His great grandma is awesome. She reminds me of Mama Odie from The Princess and the Frog.

Joe the Box King is like the most Chicago man ever. He's basically Abe Froman in a different profession.

Matt Donald, the scarf wearing able eared farmer from a deaf family seems like a lot to handle.

Connor the baby faced car saleseman is like a Moderately Rich Asian.

Meathead Luke lets us know that he smashed a lot of women in college, but it didn't fulfill him. Thankfully he met God in the shower. This guy needs his own show. I'm fascinated by him.

ABC smartly shuts down the vignettes then, because you can't top that guy.

Here come the limos! Golf Pro Garrett is from Alabama as well, and wants to be her "Hole in One." Meh.

Air Force Mike gives her five words that start with C and then asks if she "got all that." Mama Odie would not be happy.

Jed from Nashville says his family told him to shine inside and outside, but he looks like he just crapped inside his pants he's so nervous. Jed's got some work to do.

Tyler the Dancing Contractor tells Hannah he had to fly all the way from Florida just to meet her and that he's "Got something in store" for her inside. I hate Tyler.

Dylan looks like an extra in a James Bond movie, but lacks all of 007's charisma.

Tall Connor from Texas jumps a fence, because we've gotta do that all the time now.

Devin is a talent manager. His ice breaker is to joke that he's a virgin. Devin sucks.

Jon Paul Jones is basically a poor man's MacGyver (the new one, not the good one), but with terrible interpersonal skills.

Nevermind, Math Teacher Brian has terrible interpersonal skills. Laughs uncontrollably.

Nevermind, Software Sales Scott has the WORST interpersonal skills. He might pass out if he stops talking.

Matteo fakes like he's nervous, but he seems like he knows what he's doing.

Daron walks the wrong way.

Creepy Eyed Tyler is uncomfortable to look at.

Tyler the former pro basketball player says this tops playing hoops internationally. Smooth.

Matt is a car bid spotter. He works in the same town as Moderately Rich Asian Connor. I hope they know each other.

A forklift brings a giant box. Hannah says "What's this? It's a big package....heyyyyyyyy!" She's adorable, I don't care what you think. Unfortunately inside the box is Joe, who apparently can only speak in box/package/container jokes. Joe sucks.

Joey brings a bottle of wine in a baby carrier. I don't get it.

Moderately Rich Asian Connor speaks French.

Ryan is on rollerblades and says "Roll Tide." Hunter the pro surfer wants help with his tie so they can "tie the knot." Unemployed Grant makes a sausage party joke filled with condiment puns. one dude brings a pizza. Shower Angel Luke was apparently on the After the Final Rose episode, but I've already forgotten him. I don't remember any of the guys from After the Final Rose...oh wait...the rapping guy. Hip Hop Cam has been in the lab y'all....he drops a Nick Saban reference in tonight's freestyle.

Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and sings a dorky version of "Old MacDonald." Props to the guys already in the house peeking around the corner getting all excited for the new guys ice breakers.

A couple of pilots show up - Peter and Chasen. That should be fun, as they both lost their perceived trump card.....side note...100 years from now, will Trump be a word that nobody can use anymore because of its negative connotations? Like how people can't say "call a spade a spade" anymore?

Back at the house, Hannah is praying to God to give her words to make her feel worthy and smart. Not a good start. She gives a decent speech about how she's not perfect and she's not expecting them to be...she just wants real.

Luke comes on strong and talks constantly. The next guy...I think Air Force Mike...lets her do most of the talking. I like his strategy better. Moderately Rich Asian plays minute to win it games at a dorky "Bachelorette Party" he puts together for her. I'm not sure that screams husband material, but maybe it's what Hannah likes. Another guy says he thinks Hannah just wants honesty...maybe because she said exactly that ten minutes ago.

Oh good, Katie and Demi are back in a surveillance van! This could be a great feature of the show...just have past cast members in a van drinking champagne and making snarky comments...or maybe just let me do it. That's like my dream job. Demi says someone reached out to her on social media to let her know that one of the guys had a girlfriend.....because that makes total sense to alert Demi to this potential problem.

Socially awkward Scott is apparently our dude with a secret girlfriend. I wonder what the benefit is to Scott to be the sacrificial lamb to get chewed out and dogged on national television to show the other guys that this is serious and she's not here to play games. Scott is basically a prop. How is this appearance beneficial to Scott in any way? Scott actually says "Was I dating girl up until Monday? Yes. Was she someone that I wanted to marry long term? No." So short term marriage then?

Scott tries to argue that she was just dating Colton, so it's basically the same thing....and he's gone. She walks him through the room with all the other men and basically commands him to follow her like a puppy. This was a little over the top, honestly. I think we could've done something a little more subtle to get the point across that Hannah needed guys to be open an honest with her.

Then we get a montage of guys assuring Hannah that they're so excited to be there for her. I'll guess a few of them will be proven to not be by the end of this. Shower Angel Luke gets the first impression rose, and I have no idea what to think anymore. Clearly Hannah and I are not compatible.

Other guys are sweating their incompatibility. But of course....they blame SCOTT.  Like when in college your buddy says he was "just about to seal the deal" with some girl, but then the cops showed up, or some other act of God intervened.


 Air Force Mike, Tall Connor, Matthew the Car Bid Spotter, Moderately Rich Asian Connor, Singin' Jed, Dustin (who looks like a chubby bearded Russell Wilson), Joey,  Devin the non-virgin, Pilot Pete, Dorky 007 Dylan, Matteo, Pizza Server Jonathan, one of the Tylers, the other Tyler with the creepy eyes, Daron, other Luke, Golf Pro Garrett, Unemployed Grant, Kevin, and Poor Man's MacGyver join Rappin' Cam in the winners circle.

Not sure I have a favorite, but I'm glad Shower Angel Luke is sticking around. He's got the most potential for absurd moments going forward!

Bachelor 29, Week....WHO CARES HE JUMPED THE FENCE!

Colton's in Portugal! He's here to get down to business, as he shows up with his duffel bag and heads straight to his hotel room. Totally reminded me of that love kit that Kenny "Special K" Fisher toted around with him in Can't Hardly Wait.

Tayshia is up first. She's gonna get first crack at taking his V-card. They start with a helicopter ride to have a picnic on a rock overlooking the ocean. The nerves on this date are off the charts. They basically have small talk ("Thank you for bringing me on this date!" "It's easy when you're just being yourself." "I thought your hometown went really well.")

And then they have some weird sex talk about how his jeans are too tight and how she knows how to loosen them up and oh my god this is going to be excruciating.  Are we gonna go through two hours of ridiculous sexual innuendo?

Dinner conversation focuses on Tayshia's boobs. Colton can't stop staring as she makes sure to let us all know her boobie tape isn't doing it's job. Colton kisses her and then tells her "thank you" for some random reason. Then her boob pops out and she says "that was a nip slip" and Colton says "I saw that one!"

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

Can you imagine having to spend all dinner talking about how important having sex is and making constant references to your virginity? What an awkward meal. Tayshia then lets everyone know that her husband cheated on her after 18 months of marriage. She says that her husband was "the first person she had sex with" but definitely did not say he was "the only" person. Colton then tells her that "if it's us" he will never cheat on her.

I can't get over this.......he's definitely going to have sex with two other women this week right? So basically "I'll never cheat on you, but just hold on a sec while I sex up these two blonde chicks. Then I'm all yours."

This is SO uncomfortable to watch. He pops some champagne emphatically, which was definitely not a metaphor for anything. Then he leads her through the suite, pausing to admire the bathtub ringed by candles and full of bubbles that they didn't set up themselves. I wonder what the producers were thinking as they drew that bath....."I'm totally in Portugal running a bath to set the mood for this dude to lose his virginity. My job is the best!"

The morning after there's a lot of hand holding and furtive glances, but I kind of get the idea that no sex was had. Confirmed. No sex. Colton couldn't handle it. Not that I blame him....that's a hell of a lot of pressure for Colton to deal with. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE set their DVR to see if you had sex for the first time. What a mindfuck that is.

Cassie gets her turn. They drive a convertible around Portugal. They eat at an outdoor cafe. They buy matching pjs at a store. They walk down a cobblestone street and make out in front of a street band. They make out in an alleyway that looks like it definitely needs a high speed car chase.

Instead they just make out against the wall of a building. We come back from commercial break, and now they're on top of a building making out. Time for another picnic!

On this picnic they discuss that Cassie's dad did not give Colton his blessing to marry her. She's a little miffed....like she had no idea that this happened. Colton, after all season talking about how important getting a father's blessing was to him, tells Cassie that it has no bearing on his feelings about her or their relationship. Cassie is shook. She doesn't know how to handle this situation. I don't remember perfectly, but did Cassie's dad outright say no? Or did he just say "take some time before you do this," which is essentially what Tayshia's dad said when he told them that you "can't microwave a relationship."

What seems clear to me is that there will be no sex in this fantasy suite either. Cassie's going to be thinking about her disapproving father the entire time, and that won't be a good situation for anyone.

Cassie's dad is in Portugal! Now there's definitely no sex being had. He's here to explain his lack of a blessing. He asks her point blank if she's in love with him, and Cassie's answer is "I think so. Yes. I don't know." Aaaaaaaaaaand Cassie's got her exit strategy. Props to Cassie's dad for playing the "no daughter of mine is going to make an irrational decision about the rest of her life" role to let his daughter save face from having to look like a monster who's been leading Colton on.

Dad's final advice is "just be brutally honest with him." Fantastic. Colton will totally understand that.

Colton's plan 100% is to have sex with Cassie. Oh dear. Cassie drops the "my dad was here today" bomb, and Colton's penis goes full turtle mode. You can see the "I'm not losing my virginity tonight" realization hit him like a Randy Johnson fastball. He can't get out of the way, he's just gotta wear it. Colton asks if she's planning on leaving, and she says yes. Then she says "Like I wonder if I would've been sure by now....I don't know." That's not even remotely a coherent thought. Then, she just up and walks out.

I feel for you Colton, I really do. You had a plan, you tried to stick to that plan despite everyone warning you that your plan had a major flaw in that the girl didn't love you, and then it blew up in your face. Colton tries to salvage the relationship by saying "I'm OK with being patient. I don't want to lose you." Cassie's now gotta just lower the "I'm never going to love you" boom on him as gently as possible. I don't think she's going to be able to do it gently.

Colton is now basically telling her it's been her since Thailand and that he doesn't really care about the other women. He's pretty much begging her to love him back, and she's just like "I'm so conflicted, this is gonna be over in two weeks!" Colton says "I want it to be you, engagement or not," and Cassie responds "How can you say that with two other girls here?" and the look Colton gives her is freaking priceless. It's basically "Goddamnit ABC, this is your fucking fault. I would've dumped them all a month ago." Of course, Cassie should understand this as well, that he's gotta go through the motions to make the show last ten episodes.

They then embrace, as Cassie stares STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA. Best moment ever on this show. It was a look that was equal parts "I feel terrible about what I'm doing to this guy" and "did you get the shot?"


Cassie says "I can't do this" and Colton says "I don't care if you leave, I'm not going to stop fighting for you," followed almost immediately by "So that's it," and getting up and walking away.

What Colton really meant was "I'll never stop fighting for you...so long as we're both sitting on this couch."

And....he's gone. Fence jump achieved. Ace tracker Chris Harrison is called in to bring him back. He hears a dog barking and says "well a dog is barking over there" followed by six dudes just running aimlessly around in the dark yelling "Colton!" over and over like the family dog just got loose. Just....incredible. Nobody wants the women tell all tomorrow night. Push that shit to next week and give me more Chris Harrison and some producers with flashlights in Portugal.

Bachelor 2019, Hometowns: Asking Permission

Hometowns are typically my least favorite episode, because it's always just the same 25 minute date four times in a row. They do some activity that is usually not exciting (my town has horse drawn carriages! Here's my high school! I used to get in so much trouble in this park!) and then the families get their moment of fame.

I'll be honest, I barely paid attention. I know Cassie's dad went with the "Nothing you do or say will impress me" bit, and Hannah had the old dad, and Tayshia's dad was the "lemme be real with you" dad, and Caelynn had the dad who isn't really her dad and knows what it means to earn Caelynn's love dad. And that's really what this episode was all about. Asking dads for permission to marry their daughters.

I was kind of taken aback by Bachelor Twitter being so up in arms about this. There seemed to be three general beefs with the asking the father bit:

She's an Independent Woman, She Can Make Her Own Decision!

Example Tweet:

STOP ASKING MALE PARENTAL FIGURES FOR *PERMISSION* TO MARRY A WOMAN. (Yes, this is the hill I will die on.) #TheBachelor

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) February 26, 2019

Here's the thing - 150 years ago, you probably needed a father's permission to marry his daughter. It was how things worked back then. But like most things with time, this has changed, hasn't it? Now, it's more of a "I'm declaring my love for your daughter, I hope you're on board with that." I would venture to guess that most guys talk about marriage with their girlfriends before going to her dad about it. And I would venture to guess that even if the dad said "I'm not so cool with this," most guys are going to ask anyways, because it is the woman's decision, not her father's. But you know, Twitter got big mad about this anyways.

Why Didn't You Ask The Moms, You SEXIST PIG?

Example Tweet:

What 👏🏻 about 👏🏻 mom's 👏🏻 approval 👏🏻 though? #TheBachelor

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) February 26, 2019

You know why you don't ask for mom's approval? Mom will give you her opinion without you even asking. No mom in the history of moms has not made it abundantly clear if she's cool with you marrying her child from the get go. Colton probably knew the answer from all the moms by the way they passed the potatoes at dinner.

Also, Colton says he did ask:

SPOILER ALERT: I did #TheBachelor https://t.co/HI4cYXJsQh

— Colton Underwood (@colton) February 26, 2019

How Can He Ask Permission From These Men When He Knows He's Not Proposing to Three of Their Daughters?

Example Tweet

Honestly, I think it’s shitty that they ask every dad for permission. It’s one thing to lead on the girl, but to make her whole family get THAT invested is kind of messed up. #TheBachelor

— Bach Tweets (@BachBatch) February 26, 2019

You guys have seen this show before, right? I think this happens every season. The Bachelor says something like "I'd like to know I have your blessing," and the dad pauses for an awkwardly long time, then says "Son," pauses again for an awkwardly long time, then says something like "IF she's the one at the end, and IF you two keep progressing in your relationship, and IF she accepts your proposal, then you have my blessing."

And I think that's the important takeaway here....it's a TV show. This is not real life. You don't meet four girls' families in a week. you don't get to the point of wanting to marry four girls at once, you don't take twelve girls to Phuket or Istanbul or Venice or wherever they go. It's all entertainment. I guarantee if ABC had good footage of Colton asking a mom for mpermission, they'd have shown it. If the mom freaks out and says no....that'd be in there. But a majority of this country grew up in a patriarchal society, so we're comfortable with the construct of a guy asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. (Side note: I cringed every time Colton said "man to man...." during the episode. Like, stop trying to put yourself on the level of the girl's dad. You're not there yet, and even if you were, you pretend like you aren't. I could see forward thinking women all across the country pouring themselves another glass of wine every time those words came out of his mouth.)

Anyways, Caelynn went home, and Tayshia's probably next and we're going to be left with the two young blonde girls without any baggage or any sort of personality really.....just like Arie picked Lauren last year. Are all the winners really young and blonde, or is that just the perception? When I think of The Bachelor, I think of a dude proposing to Emily Maynard every time.

Bachelor 2019, Week Six: WHO DO YOU BELIEVE

We're still in Vietnam and Colton's giving us another Blair Witch style vlog.......We can't get this guy a kickstand for his phone? Colton reminds us that as the competition continues and the remaining ladies dwindle, the decisions he make get bigger and mean more. Thanks for explaining to us how competitions work.

"Hey Steph Curry, as you move on to the Western Conference Finals, how do you feel?"
"Well I mean, these games don't mean as much as the games back in the first round or in the regular season you know. It's pretty relaxed."

Vietnam ends our overseas adventure, as we head back to Denver....which means a visit with Ben Higgins. Ben let's Colton know that nothing he's done yet will prepare him for the hometowns and what's coming up. These are problems that will make you jump a fence.

This still hasn't happened, btw

Ben Higgins seems like a fine individual, but he is like the opposite of what I want to see on my TV. Being a good listener does not make for entertainment in my book. He gives solid, common sense advice (be honest about how you're feeling, level with the girls) and sends Colton on his merry way.

Colton and his dog are waiting for the ladies, and he immediately dismisses six of them to take a walk in the park with Tayshia. They walk all over downtown with his ancient labrador....seriously that dog looks exhausted and not at all like a city dog. They wander into an ice cream shop, and then buy salmon for dinner....and then stop for a drink? Don't you need to get that salmon into a fridge rather quickly?

Colton recaps the fact that all the ladies that left last week told him to watch his back, and that he knows they weren't talking about Tayshia. How he knows this is beyond me, because he didn't ask Sydney or Demi or Katie who they were talking about.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie discuss how nasty is was of the girls to "drop bombs" on Colton before they left, but "at least they didn't name names," which is a weird thing to say unless you think that they were talking about you. Of course they follow this up by saying that nobody left s all the close with them, so even if they do say something they can be like "you can't speak about me, you don't know me!"

Tayshia, meanwhile, has no qualms saying that it's Cassie and Caelynn. They're talking about being the next bachelorette and that they aren't going to be ready to get engaged and talking about where they're going to go and what people they're going to meet after the show.

First off......how many conversations have you ever had about the people you're going to meet in the future? This just seems like a real weird conversation to have. Colton's genuinely freaking out, and says "I had no questions for Cassie and Caelynn....and now I do." Really? No questions? So you were prepared to propose to either of them? By process of elimination by the way, we can determine that Colton thinks one of the Hannahs, Heather or Kirpa is the problem....or at least that's what he's telling us.

Tayshia is prepping Colton for her family, and basically is saying that her dad is not cool with her dating on television and he's gonna be predisposed to hate Colton, in part because of how hurt she was by the end of her last relationship. Colton fires back that he's not proposing if he doesn't have the father's blessing. "Call me old fashioned" he says. My opinion on asking the father's blessing is that you're not so much asking for permission anymore as you are giving the dad a heads up. Sort of a respect thing. I'm trying to think if my wife's parents had said no if I would've just broken up with her. I'm 99% sure I would've proposed to her anyways, though maybe not in front of her parents like I did. That probably would've been awkward.

Also, it's curious to me that Tayshia kept saying "my last relationship" while talking to Colton, but used the phrase "my divorce" at the end after he gives her the rose. Is she downplaying it, trying not to draw attention to the divorce thing? Like he'll forget she was married if she just calls it a relationship? A quick google search revealed to me that she actually dated some dude between her divorce and the start of the show....so was her dad more upset about the couple months boyfriend than the divorce, or is she conveniently forgetting to mention that guy to Colton? Also, this is why I typically try to avoid reading anything online about the show because I want to experience the show in a bubble. It's way more fun to me to see the show as ABC is trying to present it and take everyone at their word. It's hard to make fun of people when you know they're playing a role or just repeating something a producer whispered in their ear.

Colton and Caelynn go snowboarding, and she super sucks. Nonetheless, Colton tells her she's a natural and that he was very proud of her effort. Thanks coach!

He then drops the bomb on Caelynn that Tayshia is talking about her being there for the wrong reasons. Caelynn please her case, telling Colton that only she knows if she's ready for marriage, and guess what, she totally is! Immediately Caelynn turns into a mob boss, talking about F that girl for putting my name in her mouth and how she better get a rose so she can call "that stupid bitch out." Wow. Also, this just reminded me that three weeks ago Caelynn shared a super personal, emotional and moving story about being a sexual assault survivor....and literally nobody remembers that anymore. Now she's the girl with the potty mouth that is ready to punch a ho for spreading lies. She also makes sure to tell us that she's the only one falling in love with Colton. Awesome little drop there. Nobody loves him like I do.

After some tears from both of them in interviews, they have dinner and Caelynn has changed her tune. No more attempting to plot how to kill Tayshia, now it's all "I'm so in love with you and I want babies and I pray to God that it's us at the end of this." Colton is convinced, and they kiss and a rose is conveyed. So now he feels that Tayshia lied to him? Is he going to discuss this with her? I bet not.

Hannah B. gets the final one on one of the week, so that means Hannah G, Kirpa, and Heather are group dating it, which makes sense because they all got one on ones in Asia, but of course they flip out and think it means he's not into them, even though he just made out with them all over Vietnam.

Caelynn and Cassie have a very staged, very unbelievable conversation about how they can't believe Tayshia would say things like that about Caelynn. Caelynn of course confronts Tayshia, who is totally down to discuss this.

Tayshia then tells Caelynn that she has no real proof of her doing anything wrong, just that she talked to all the other girls, and they came to the same conclusion that the other girls must be talking about Cassie and Caelynn.

So a group of girls got together to discuss who they think is a fake ass skank and came up with.....THE ONLY TWO GIRLS THAT WEREN'T IN THE CONVERSATION! SHOCKING! Also, Tayshia definitely made it sound like she had heard these conversations that Cassie and Caelynn allegedly had, right? So why didn't that come up when she was talking directly to Caelynn? Her whole argument was that her and the other girls assume Cassie and her are fake because it's clearly not themselves! Tayshia is dead to me. Get her out of here.

At least the next date is Hannah B., who is way too crazy to be fake. Colton takes Hannah to meet his family. I don't know that is a great sign for Hannah B....I don't remember someone getting the family date mid-season actually being the winner at the end.

Colton's dad basically tells him not to trust any of the ladies over his own gut. Colton's dad seems like a good dude. Colton's dad asks him to tell him about Hannah, and Colton says she's incredible and amazing and she told him she loves him.....but he's not there yet. He then says he's 100% sure of Tayshia and Caelynn, even though he knows one of them is lying to him.

This is why Colton is an idiot.

Really seems like he's about to dump Hannah B. because he's just not that into her. Way to take her to meet your parents then, bro. If you're his parents, aren't you like "WTF did we just do that for? Great to see you and all, but you brought us a lame duck?"

Colton asks Hannah what makes her so sure about her feelings for him. She says she doesn't date to date, she dates for marriage, which is important at her ripe old age of 24. Apparently it's still 1754 in Alabama. Hannah continues to tell him how sure she is, while he doesn't smile once. She's toast. Colton basically says he's not ready for Hannah, so she's done because he can't shake her father's hand if he has any doubts about their relationship.

Hannah handles this like a champ. She basically doesn't beg him for anything, says "I've given you what I've got, not sure what else you want." Colton then says "I'm sure there's someone out there for you, to which Hannah basically responds "not shit dude." Hannah might be my favorite exit ever here.

Colton then acknowledges that he's a complete moron for sending a girl home that he knows is there for the right reasons. Good for him, but still, c'mon bro.

Back at the house, the girls all look shocked that Hannah went home, but you know they understand that means they don't have to win the group date rose to stay around....so good for them.

The group date is a train ride. I love the train, so Colton is definitely winning my heart on this one. Colton cautions the girls that they need to be sure about their relationship. Heather basically jumps up and says "well that's it for me! See ya bud!" Colton is also cool with this decision, so they share Heather's first last kiss and she hops on the train leaving the other girls and Colton stranded in the middle of nowhere until the next train shows up.

Kirpa and Hannah G. talk about how Cassie's gotta know the other girls are talking about her motivations and she shouldn't be surprised they hate her. Good times. Cassie pleads her case, and Colton seems to buy it. He asks Kirpa who is doing things right and wrong, and Kirpa says that Cassie and Caelynn "acted defensive" when Colton told them about Katie's warning. Colton then is basically like "durrrrr...idk.....what do I do?"

Kirpa and Cassie then start yelling at each other about what Katie said while Colton waits patiently six feet away off camera...I'm assuming at least. There's nowhere else for him to go right? He had to hear that whole thing. He's only sending one girl home here, and it would seem Hannah G. is safe as he just made out with her harder than any other girl last week in Vietnam, so it's either Cassie or Kirpa in my mind. He backed Caelynn, will he back Cassie too, or is he going to try to split the difference and say "well maybe one girl was being shady, I'll put my money on it being Cassie and Cassie only."

Colton gives Hannah G. the rose and sends her back to the other girls to tell them what happened. Hannah G. then says that Cassie and Kirpa had an altercation where they each stated their opinions. VERRRY descriptive Hannah!.

All of a sudden, Caelynn just waltzes into the group date. I love that the group date happens while the girls that are safe are just down the hall. Phenomenal. Caelynn basically says "don't send my friend home, she's awesome and the other girl is a lying liar." That's good enough for Colton, as he sends Kirpa home.

Incredible that he kept Tayshia around despite clearly not believing her that Caelynn and Cassie are fame whores. He sent literally everyone else that had a problem with the two of them home this week. What super sucks is that these girls aren't really going to see each other again save for rose ceremonies the rest of the season.