It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

That's right....Bachelor is back!!!  Farmer Chris is back to bore us all to death and subject us to a bazillion bad farm puns, such as "I'd let him plow my field" and "I can't wait to roll in the hay with him!" Now that we're only a month away from the premiere, ABC has generously let us have a peek at the ladies online, with glamor shots taken at a local JC Penney, made up job titles such as "cadaver tissue saleswoman," "WWE Diva in training," and "sport fishing enthusiast," and - my favorite - completely absurd question and answer sessions!  Our ages range from 21 to 33.

A new wrinkle in the bios this year is the addition of fill in the blanks!  "If I never had to _____, I would be very happy/sad."  This could be fun....

....or it could be super boring.  Our first girl up is Alissa, who is 24 and from Hamilton, NJ. She would be happy to never upset anyone again, and sad if she never got to play with puppies.  Unfortunately for her, she's a flight attendant, so there's a 100% chance she's going to piss someone off on the next flight by calmly explaining that their guitar case is not a carry-on and cannot be stored under the seat in front of them.  Rough gig.  Her bio has a couple typos, which I'm blaming on her (perhaps unfairly) and her biggest achievement to date is getting a yoga certification.  It's tough asking someone in their early twenties what their biggest accomplishment is.  I think my biggest accomplishment at 24 was that I had somehow managed to not flunk out of college yet.  Anyways I don't give her much chance of winning.

Skipping ahead a little bit, we meet Bo, a plus-size model from California.  She's immediately disqualified for contradicting herself by saying she has no fears and is open to new experiences, then saying she'd be happy if she never had to skydive.  Also, answering the "three people you'd like to have at dinner" with Beyonce, Rihanna, and....Mother Theresa.  Again with the typos - pretty sure it's Teresa.  I'm absolutely blown away with the lack of effort people put into their spelling these days.  Say you went to a restaurant and ordered a burger with no pickles.  Now, if that burger shows up and has pickles on it, you're kinda pissed about it, right?  Now imagine you went to the waiter and said "this isn't right, it has pickles on it," and he shrugged and said "whatever, it's still a burger right?"  THIS IS HOW SOCIETY TREATS SPELLING THESE DAYS.  Makes me furious.

I'm now completely paranoid that there will be a typo in this blog.

Jesus, there's thirty of these girls?  Let's stop breaking them down and just hand out some way too early, super-judgmental awards to the contestants.

Most Superfluous Use of the Letter E in a name: Juelia or Reegan (tie)

Girl Who Will be Hated by Other Girls Because She's Super Pretty:  Tracy

I could see her walking in and all the other girls tittering "what's so special about her?" because nobody wants to admit that she's better looking than them.  She's like a 2014 version of Kelly Kapowski.  Also, is that a lanyard around her neck?  It looks like a lanyard with one of those special keys to turn on lights in the gyms at elementary schools.

Girl Who Will be Hated Because She's "Not There for the Right Reasons:" Brittany
She's a WWE Diva in Training and is wearing the most sexually suggestive top of any of the contestants in her glamor photo.  She'll be this season's Tierra/Courtney/Clare for sure.  Good luck.

Girls Who Will Be Hated For No Apparent Reason:  The Rest of Them
That's why we watch!

Girl Who Probably Never Took a Women's Studies Course:  Jordan
Thinks the best way to impress a guy is to "do a sexy dance for him."  Given the chance to be anyone for day, she'd chose this woman:

Most Confused Girl:  Megan
Can't live without her phone, hates when guys text while talking to her.  Wants to be a lion because "they are leaders."  Pretty sure only one lion is the leader, Toots.  Thinks getting drunk and puking in her purse makes her "adventurous."  I hope she stays around longer than she probably should on this show.

Don't Even Bother Getting Out of the Limo:  Kara
She's a high school soccer coach at 25!  She's gotta be fun, right?  She's from Kentucky, so she'll have an adorable accent.  I'm predicting she'll be totally sweet, but completely out of her element and overwhelmed.  I mean, look at the shirt she's wearing:

What is with those sleeves?  Maybe she'll get lucky and Megan will assume she's a leader and help her along.

"On Paper" Favorite to Win:  Kimberly
She's pretty, a yoga instructor who graduated from college with honors, loves to get dressed up, and never wants to worry about money.  Sounds like a perfect match for a rich farmer.  Also says one of her favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption, which is way too obvious, but everyone has seen it so it's a good conversation starter in a pinch.

Girl Who Gets My First Impression Rose:  Nicole
She's the only redhead, she has the most exaggerated head tilt of any of the glamor shots, and her favorite animal is a wolf because "they're magical and bad-ass creatures." One of the only people who gave intelligent, somewhat thoughtful, and funny answers to questions.  My endorsement of course means she'll be gone within the first three weeks.

Girl Who Will Get Farmer Chris' First Impression Rose:  Tandra
Tall (like two inches taller than the plus size model tall) blonde with the whitest teeth I've ever seen and a "real" job (executive assistant).  I think she'll stand out.  I've heard some guys are into that sort of thing.....

Well there you have it.  I think there's potential here, but then again I purposefully didn't watch the promo video for the season because I didn't want to be disappointed right away.