Tonight, on the Bachelor

We're trying something new tonight....my first live posting of a Bachelor episode.  We'll see how it goes.

• We're reminded that Brad had a "bad reputation."  You know, because he didn't marry either one of two girls he wasn't in love with.  What a dick.
• Oh yeah, Chantal slapped him.  Apparently this is the stuff relationships are built on, because she's still here.  I know if I had my pick of 30 women, the one I'd want to keep is the one who physically assaults me.  No question that I'd want to get to know her better "SO badly."
• Blah, blah, blah, Emily's perfect, blah, blah, blah, she's the most tragic story in the history of television.......
• Brad trusts his family's opinion.  I wish I'd watched his first season, so I could know if his family told him to walk away.  I bet they didn't.  At least not on camera. 
• Brad's hugging his brother and crying.  I have no clue why.  Has it been years since he's seen them?  He does say that he's missed them "badly."  NOW it makes sense.  Brad's brother does not seem to be anywhere near as emotional, and maybe a little creeped out.
• I love how ABC is setting this up as if he's 100% going to propose, he just doesn't know which one yet.  If it's a coin flip, you shouldn't marry either one, Chief.
• Chantal is as "bouncy" as ever......
• Prima?  Prima is creepy, and it's not just her name. 
• Chantal's leaving the part out about how after the rain storm, she paraded around his room in nothing but his shirt.  She's not fooling anyone though.....her chest is turning a bright red.  You might even say that it's "scarlett"....
• The conversation with the brothers makes me think we're actually seeing a wedding tonight........
• Chantal who hangs with boys is way cooler than Chantal who hangs with other girls. 
• Mama asks how she fell in love so quick.  I'd refer her to this article, which details how scary situations can trick the heart into thinking it's in love rather than in mortal danger. 
• Chantal is not going to react well if Emily is the choice.  She's hanging by a thread I think. 
• If I had a nickel for every braclet Mama Womack is wearing, I'd be living in a much bigger house.
• The daughter situation comes up with Emily, and all of sudden everyone's uncomfortable.  The family is going to lean towards Chantal........
• ..........cue the "dead fiancee" story.  We can't cover this in "Ricki's father died in a plane crash."  No, we have to go for the violin music and the "he was my life, the plane never made it....."  She's back in! The grieving widow card is like holding four two's in a game of deuces wild.  You can't lose. 
• Brad's brothers are playing devil's advocate with the "step daddy" situation.  Brad says that Emily is "truly the most genuinely sweet lady."  This is the bachelor equivalent of "shake it three times and you're playing with it."
• I really love Brad's insistence of calling people "Buddy" when he's about to say something profound.  Such a juxtaposition.......
• Brad's mom is breaking down because Brad is apparently Emily's "angel."  Grieving Widow in a landslide.
• Have there ever been two women that were so different in the final two?  Chantal:  Outgoing, party girl, emotionally unstable divorcee.  Emily:  Sweet, reserved widow-mommy.  It's Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston!  History tells us that Chantal will win this one.
• The women in Brad's life are extremely pro-Aniston Emily.  Shocking.
• I love that Brad's mom says that he "can't keep her hands off Emily."  Can't wait til she sees the show, when he couldn't keep his tongue off Michelle.
• For the record, Chantal would've got my first impression rose.  I'm really not surprised she's still around.
• This seems to be Emily's race to lose.  the "coming up" segment makes it look like she does her best to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
• Speaking of Jaws......Chantal gets to swim with sharks.  Cue the "fear and love cause the same physical reaction in people"
• Chantal is convinced that if you can swim with sharks, you can handle someone becoming a drunk and blowing your life savings on hookers and blackjack in vegas.  She also seems to think that it's Brad keeping her safe from the sharks and not the STEEL CAGE.
• I think the zipper on Chatal's wetsuit is broken.  It seems to keep slipping down....
• Now Brad has a sexy, romantic date with a woman he has no intention of marrying.  God bless you ABC for creating these moral dilemmas.
• Chantal gives Brad a message in a bottle.  I thought she was going to write something along the lines of "should you choose to forego your separate rooms" but no, it's a map of all the places they went together and a love note.  Actually a nice touch.  I like the way Chantal is playing this.  Then she claps at her own note and says "I made myself cry."  D'oh!
• Time to hit pause on the DVR as Jonah is bored with his movie in the other room and play with every toy in his drawer until we're forced to acknowledge that he's in the room.  The "watch your movie or you're going straight to bed" threat worked.....for now......
• Chantal has put it all on the table.  She will absolutely be a broken woman if Brad picks Emily.  This is what I'm rooting for. 
• For the record, Brad's family picked Emily, and he really values their opinion. 
• Hey!  A helicopter ride!  What a novel idea.
• Travel agent Brad explains to us that the Cape of Good Hope is a "must-see."  Because he did not get this idea from ABC at all.
• For the record, the word "SO" is worth two points in Scrabble.  It's worth even less coming out of Brad's mouth. 
• Emily now tries to talk Brad out of becoming a step father.  I've never been a fan of the "here's everything that could go wrong," strategy of finding out if a guy is going to stick around. "Hey, you might never get to watch another football game!  Are you ready for that?"  As a parent, I can say for a fact that you still get to watch football. 
• Brad bares his soul and says he's ready to be a father to "Lil' Ricki"  Emily responds to this touching sentiment by essentially saying "I don't think you know what being a father is."  Emily's decided to strike a match at the Chevron station just to see what'll happen. 
• Brad and Chantal are ready to get married.  Emily is absolutely not ready to get married.
• Brad's getting hot.  That would be the explosion of the aforementioned Chevron gas pumps.  One bottle of water will not put this fire out Bradley.
• Chantal preps for the "big day" by putting on a bikini and coming out of the water in slow motion while looking contemplative.
• Brad apparently prepped for the big day by walking all over South Africa, pausing and looking out to sea, then continuing his journey.
• I love the ring guy.  I know that when I went to the Shane Company, I explained everything to the dude behind the counter.  We're facebook friends, and I know if Rachel and I ever hit a rough patch, I can call him up to discuss life.  Give me a break.  
• Chantal and Emily relive their teens by writing in their diaries.  "Dear Diary, OMG Brad is SOOOO dreamy.  I am totally freaking out right now.  I hope he doesn't take that bitch Emily to the prom."
• Apparently Brad's "second guessing" just took a crisp shirt and $2000 suit to fix.  He's ready to go.
• It's not a coincidence that Angelina Chantal is wearing black and Emily is wearing white.  Women all over the country are going to flip out when he picks Chantal.  Facebook is about to explode.
• Rachel REALLY wants to get on facebook, but her Wisconsin friends saw this stuff 3 hours ago.  Rough deal for us west coasters.
• Jonah's movie is over.  His even apparently is not.  He's out here doing look n' find books with us during the commercials.
• Chantal's out of the car first!  I was wrong.  I really thought she was choice.  Time for the fireworks to start.  Jonah's wondering why there's a bird on Chantal's shoulder.  For the record, if she'd worn all those bracelets when she met Mama Womack, she'd have been money.
• Brad's building her up, only to destroy her.  Boom goes the dynamite. 
• Not a fan of the showering of compliments when you're breaking up with someone.  Only leaves them wondering why, if they're so amazing, they're going home.  Then again, it's probably better than saying "I choose not you," so maybe there is no easy way to break up with someone.  I once went for the "note in the locker" move in high school.  That is definetly not the way to go.
• Chantal is doing a fantastic job of holding it together, but she's about to get into the limo.....and there's a very real possibility she's going to get a nose bleed from the crying.
• ......cue the "If it was so special, and we were so good together, then why am I going home?  I feel so stupid." monologue. 
• Apparently this limo is willing to drive all the way to Egypt in order to get Chantal to bare her soul.
• Ok, cats are not tools for proposal.  I'm sorry Fancy Feast, but that was a fail of a commercial.  In fact, I "propose" (get it?) that we make the cat the official break up animal.  No more speeches, awkward conversations, no nothing.  Just hand her a cat and walk away.  Brad could've saved Chantal a whole lot of crying if he'd just opened the sun roof on the limo, yelled "fire in the hole!" and kitty-bombed her. 
• Ok I'll say it.  Foreign coastlines are prettier than American ones. 
• Emily's wanted to get married "forever."  Keep in mind she's 24.  Thank God Brad picked her.  She was THIS CLOSE to becoming a spinster.
• "Ricki, Mama's home!  Pack your bags, we're moving to Texas to live with that guy who bought you a kite and played Candy Land with you that one time."
• Brad says he's the happiest guy since the first time he met her.  I'd be willing to let it go if I knew he hadn't been planning on saying that line since who knows when. 
• Will they make it?  Who knows.  Odds aren't on their side, but hey Roberto and Ali have made it almost 9 months, right? 

I don't have it in me do keep doing this for "After the Final Rose."  This frankly was exhausting.