Bachelorette: Men Tell All

Welcome to the show with the most misleading name in television!  It should be called "The Men, Empowered by a Live TV Audience full of Needy Women, Try to Impress America by Bagging on The Guy(s) America Loved to Hate as Much as Possible."  So get ready for a lot of dissing Ryan and Kalon.  "Telling All" implies we'll learn something we previously didn't know, which absolutely won't happen.  Instead, we'll rehash the same issues over and over.  We'll talk about Kalon calling Ricki baggage for about half an hour, and every time Kalon goes to open his mouth, some other guy will shout him down and tell him why he's an idiot.  At least that's my prediction.  Also, we'll hear from Emily who will try to make us all believe that this was the worst two weeks of her life as she tried to decide which guy to marry.  Yeah, I hate having an all expenses paid trip to Curacao with my family and two people who are madly in love with me.  Bummer, dude. Another thing I hope to see tonight:  Ricki.  Remember her?  Remember how she was going to be "so important" to this decsion?  She's been an afterthought.  She was in Charlotte, but the closest anyone got to meeting her was Ryan sitting in the car at her soccer practice.  She also went to one of the Caribbean Islands (I forget which) but spent a majority of the time with the nanny and then was shipped back to the states while mommy kept going on dates.  Since then, she's popped up once when Emily had a layover in North Carolina on her way to Los Angeles.  Look, I have no problem with Emily going this alone - the girl is seven and really doesn't need to be auditioning people to be her daddy for God's sake - but don't feed us this crap about how you're treating this season differently because she's a mom, because the only thing that's been different is the change of venue.  Well, they didn't do the fantasy suite thing, but I suppose that it's possible they just showed the guys leaving, then shut the cameras off and let the guys go back and get freaky with Emily. 

Ok, onto the show.  Guess what?  Looks like a lot of bashing Kalon and Ryan!  But first, here's an interview with Emily!

Chris asks how hard it is to be a single mom and be the Bachelorette.  Emily says it's "hard in real life and it's hard as the Bachelorette."  However, Emily seems to think that Ricki still got her "mommy time."  Again, this was true for about two weeks.  We'll just pretend those last seven didn't happen.  Now we delve into a season recap, and it starts with...wait for it.....Ryan and Kalon!  Ryan saying "I'll still love you, I just won't love on you as much" seems more like a tongue in cheek joke than an actual stupid comment.  At least that's my opinion. We get to relive Doug's most awkward moment ever - Thanks for that - and then it's onto the first commercial.  So far, I'm wondering why I even watch this show.  It's awful.  Slightly entertaining is Emily cussing a blue streak when she spills a drink on her dress, then saying "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Yep...maybe the real Emily is hood rat and backwoods.

We get a quick recap of my favorite guy of the season, Travis, and my least favorite thing about him, his stupid egg.  Travis was funny.  Also funny, Arie's brothers peeping on Emily from the bushes.  Emily says she had no idea they were there, but she's got one leg up on America - we didn't even know they existed.

Now we get a quick preview of the new season of Bachelor Pad.  Highlights:

• Blakely crying on the floor holding a glass of wine in one hand and a rose in the other.  I think this sums up the Bachelor universe in one image.  Awesome
• Really, there's no other highlights.  Nothing will top that.  
• Tony's on the show, but other than holding some cups on a challenge, he didn't really factor into the promo.  
• I also liked Rachel saying that the newcomers didn't earn the right to be here because they didn't get dumped on national tv.  As if having a relationship fizzle out after two actual dates some how qualifies you for a chance at $250,000.  You know who else got dumped after a few dates?  The entire dating public in the world.  You're not special.  Stop it.

Switching gears, we're half an hour in and we're finally bringing out the guys to "tell all."  The way Travis is talking about the egg almost makes it sound like it wasn't his idea.  Thinking about this, it makes sense...ABC just picks a few guys that have to use some props in their intros.  I don't know why this didn't dawn on me sooner!  Maybe it wasn't Tony's idea to bring out the glass slipper...maybe when they got in the limo, ABC said "and......Tony!  You get to give this slipper to Emily.  Good luck!"

In some of the recaps we're reminded of what a dad Doug was.  I think he missed his son so much he adopted the other 24 guys in the house.  Man, Doug was great TV. 

I'm finding this is way more difficult to blog about becasue the guys are talking sixty miles an hour and interrupting each other.  I can't keep up.  Chris is still grumpy that the other guys thought he was immature.  Charlie, who had trouble with public speaking on the show, suddenly is able to high-five, cuss and call Kalon "dude" all while talking about how he was "himself the whole time."  Another highlight is Kalon talking about how great of friends he is with Chris and Tony, while Tony and Chris kind of look at their feet and try not to laugh.  Harrison picks up on it and calls them out, leading to a riotous fit of laughter.  At this point I was planning on posting a picture Tony had put on his facebook page of him, Chris and Kalon with the caption "Boys for Life!" but it appears he took it down.  I can only assume that someone at ABC saw it and was told him that they were still trying to advance the "Kalon is a dick that nobody likes" scenario and he needed to disappear that photo.  Phenomenal.

We get our half an hour of baggage talk, but the most bizarre part of this whole segment is Doug's response to the question "is it ok to call kids baggage?"  His response is "No, it's not ok.  I mean, kids can't help but be there, they're just hanging out saying "hey, someone take care of me."  What the hell?  Doug, defender of the meek and mild, is saying "well of course kids are baggage, but it's not their fault, so you can't really say it out loud...duh!"  This whole production is a sham, and anyone watching at home that starts falling in love with a person on this show should check themselves.  You may as well fall in love with Edward Cullen or Jack Sparrow, because the "personalities" on these reality shows are no more real than they are.

I do love how easily the other guys irritate Chris.  Ryan just keeps talking over Chris and he keeps getting madder and madder.  Chris rolls his eyes at every perceived slight and it is awesome.  Ryan is just owning this show.  He's talking about writing in his diary and making T-shirts that say "I'll love you but won't love on you."  The Bachelorette is officially the professional wrestling of primetime television. 

Why we're putting Chris in the hot seat is beyond me.  This guy has said more throughout the entire season than anyone else.  I don't need to hear any more from this guy.  I love that Chris is trying to get us to sympathize that he brought a girl home to meet his family and then she dumped him.  Except that ABC made the decision on when she met your family, and she was dating three other guys at the time.  How do you not prepare yourself for that?  Chris then just starts rambling about death and losing friends and how he means everything he says.  Just stop talking, for the love of God. 

Sean's up next and Chris sets it up as a relationship that was on the fast track to marriage before the train derailed.  His exact words were "then it all went wrong."  Did it?  Because what I saw was her sadly letting him go because she cared about two other guys more.  Not that he did something "wrong."  Also, we get to rehash their "breakup" from last week, and I'm pissed off at myself for not commenting on Emily's outfit.  She looks like a mermaid!  Or as Rachel puts it "who pairs a Hanes grey tank top with a shimmery skirt?"  Sean then starts his conversation with Chris by saying word for word the exact same thing he just told us in the reject limo.  I also found it incredibly interesting that he continues to profess his love for Emily, yet never refers to her as Emily.  She's always "that girl" or "her."  Oh, and the loudest cheer of the night was when they showed a clip of Sean taking his shirt off.  These women are so predictable.

Now it's time to bring out Emily, and she gets into a fantastic back and forth with Kalon, where she calls out his recent Twitter feeds.  He offers up some well wishes and she responds with "you'll make a great politician, because that was a huge load of crap."  I'll counter that Emily herself would also make a good politicitian, if you'll remember the outtake from two hours ago (God, this show is too long) where she starts cussing and says "I'm supposed to be a lady."  Of course the crowd of women is firmly in her corner, with a lot of emphatic clapping, nodding and "you go girl!" looks of approval. 

All that's left is a ten minute preview of next weeks episode.  I wish they'd just done a full ten minutes of Arie and Emily kissing with Prince playing in the background on a loop.  Sadly, it's not to be.  How much footage do you think they have of Emily and Arie kissing?  Like two hours worth?  How much kissing did they actually do?  Could they have filled an entire episode with them making out?  Should that be available as an extra on ABC.com? 

Bachelorette Week 9: Better Late Than Never

I had decided to take a week off from blogging, but after hearing from a couple people that they'd recommended this blog to friends and requests from coworkers for the link, I decided I'd throw one up here.  On a related note, I do want to thank everyone who has read this blog and or shared it with friends.  I enjoy writing it, so it's always nice to hear that other people enjoy reading it as well.  I'm not sure there is anything more depressing than a blog that nobody reads.  It's like the 21st century version of "if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" If a blog is posted on the Internet and nobody clicks on it, was it ever really posted?  Anyways, again I say thanks. 

On to Emily, who humblebrags her way through the opening:  "How crazy is it that three amazing guys want to date me?"  We start with the now standard opening of Emily handicapping the remaining contestants chances.  Sean's first, and we get to see him talking about Ricki being his daughter no matter if she calls him Sean or anything else.  I still am uncomfortable with the idea of guys talking about parenting a kid that they've never met.

Next up is Jef, and I like that Emily says that her and Jef have the same sense of humor "deep down," and that Jef is so comfortable with himself and lets everyone see his goofy side.  I guess this means Emily is self conscious about the fact that she's a huge dork too.  We get to see Jef chuck his skateboard into the bushes again, and I cringed, remembering how much I hated that guy at the beginning of the season.

Then we get a montage of Emily and Arie making out and get to hear how strongly she is attracted to him.  She likes Arie because he would "worship her forever."  I think I know what she meant, but it sort of came off as if she wants someone who's going to run around dropping rose petals on the ground in front of her and doing all the chores and stuff while she eats grapes on a lounge chair.  But who am I kidding....with all the auto racing money in Arie's family plus the money Emily probably gets from Ricki's grandparents, neither of them will ever do any chores.

She then tells us that "everything she's been through" has forced her to "look at love more realistically."  She says this AS SHE'S DRAWING "EMILY + ?" ON THE BEACH IN CURACAO.  I'm not sure what's "realistic" about making out with three guys in three days on a Caribbean island KNOWING that all three guys want to propose to you, but whatever.

For some more realism, Sean shows up and they hop in a helicopter and head to a private island for some chatting about Sean's past.  Emily seems determined to get Sean to say "I love you."  She seems to hint that Sean could get the boot if he doesn't say the big L.  Emily continues to press him to say it, and Sean keeps saying how much he "wants to tell her how he really feels."  Well be a man and say it then, dude.  Shocking to me that this guy can talk about how prepared he is to be a father to a seven year old he's never met, yet can't tell the woman he loves that he loves her.  My favorite part is where he starts telling her how crazy he is about her, and then when an obvious moment comes to say "I love you" he instead goes with "I forgot what I was going to say."  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  Perhaps he sensed in himself that he wasn't going to be able to spit out the words without having a few glasses of wine at dinner, because he immediately changes the subject and suggests they go snorkeling.  We get no shots of them snorkeling, but plenty of them making out in the ocean. 

On to dinner, where Emily wears a classy summery dress and Sean rocks a v-neck white t-shirt and some beach shorts.  She seems to wonder if he really loves him since he hasn't said it yet.  If you're not sure if he loves you, why are you pressing him so much to say it?  Couldn't this backfire on her?  Couldn't he be like "to be honest, I'm not there yet?"  Or if she's so certain he is in love with her, why is it so important he says it?   Very confusing.  Even more confusing is Sean writing a letter....to Ricki.  A couple of quick thoughts on this note:

• Sean's handwriting is very girlish.  It looks like it was written by a seventeen year old girl practicing writing her name with the varsity quarterback's last name.  All that was missing was the hearts drawn over the i's. 
• His letter was very clearly not written to Ricki.  He used words like "overwhelms" and  talks about "honoring your mother."  These are not concepts that make sense to a seven year old.
• He says "I'm not trying to replace your father, but you will forever be my daughter."  Ricki never met her father, and she's seven.  A seven year old is not going to look at a guy coming in as trying to make her forget about her father.  She's going to take one look at him, ask if he wants to play dollies and that's it.  It's just creepy. 

Emily, of course, loves it....mostly because she realizes that it was written for her benefit.  This still reeks of Sean trying to impress Emily by talking about how much he's going to care for her daughter, but again, until he meets her, they're kind of empty promises.  Sean then makes a comment about how never in a million years did he think he'd come on this show and have these feelings.  You know, those feelings he still can't bring himself to say out loud.  If you thought you had no shot of falling in love on the show, why'd you go on then buddy?  Sounds like somebody wasn't on the show "for the right reasons!"

Emily then gives him the fantasy suite card, and Sean enthusiastically says he's up for it.  Emily says that the fibers in her body say yes, but the fibers in her head say no.  They end up going to the fantasy suite, but then sit on the couch and talk for a while, where Sean's feelings come bursting out of him like an erupting volcano.  Emily then sends him home with a sweet kiss.  Apparently this was done to set an example for her daughter that you shouldn't sleep with multiple guys in a week.  I'm not sure that the example is going to be effective when she keeps talking about how much she wants to.  Sean says he understands, but really wishes he had gotten the chance to stay all night with her to "talk" some more.  Sure buddy...we all saw how excited you were to accept that fantasy suite invitation.

Emily and Jef get to go on a boat around Curacao.  Jef keeps up his 14 year old personality, saying "look where we are....the middle of the ocean!"  No kidding Jef.  This kind of reminds me of a friend of mine who used to employ a tactic I called "third grade reporter" with girls.  He'd ask them all these fluffy, silly questions that the girls would giggle at, but they clearly loved the attention.  It was way more effective than I could have ever imagined. Seems to be working for Jef too. 

Also working for Jef is his sincerity when talking about their future.  In a stark contrast to Sean, who said something about looking forward to his future with Emily (before Emily quickly reminded him that Ricki would be there too), Jef is quick to point out that Ricki comes first and that he hopes that he can be the "second most important person in Emily's life."  Jef might be kinda dorky and try too hard to express his individuality, but he very clearly is not stupid, something I can't honestly say about Sean or Arie.  I also appreciate Jef's straightforward approach.  He just pounds Emily with probing questions, not waiting for her to dictate the conversation.  He wants to know where she would like to live (and again she kicks Brad Womack right in his nuts by saying she'd be happy to move where ever as long as Jef is there), why she's still single when she's so amazing and seems to attract other amazing guys, (which is a brilliant way of phrasing what is essentially the question "So, you're still single, what's wrong with you?") and if he'd be a good fit with her daughter.  When you view her relationship with Sean and her relationship with Jef, it's pretty clear that Jef and Emily are more compatible.  They're way past beating around the bush of what their feelings are and writing notes - Jef did that way back in London, loser!

Fantasy suite invitation is out...and Jef, like Emily with Sean earlier, talks about how much he'd like to, but recognizes that their families will be watching and "it's not just us" making this decision. I'm still not sure that you're sending the right message when you talk about it in terms of "if this weren't on tv and nobody would know except for us, I'd totally roll around with you in the fantasy suite."  You're not exactly looking like a pillar of morality in these moments guys.  Jef follows it up by saying "I want to spend every night with you in our own fantasy suite (smooth) and "I want  to watch 1,000 sunsets with you" (not as smooth, since this basically comes out to 3 years of watching sunsets....what happens then Jef?)

Emily remarks that she's a little bummed that Jef turned her down on the fantasy suite because she wanted to turn him down?  I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds like she's upset that Jef came to the decision she was going to come to anyways on his own.  Reminds me of those cartoons where the criminal mastermind is trying to come up with a plan and the doofus henchman suggests something that the mastermind scoffs at, then suggests they do the exact same thing.  Is Emily a criminal mastermind, perhaps?

Arie's up next, and he's wearing almost the same outfit Sean wore on his dinner date - plain white T and blue beach shorts.  Makes more sense on a boat though.  I'd like to say that I learned a lot about Arie and Emily's relationship on this date, but it's essentially a five minute montage of them kissing with a little bit of dolphin footage mixed in.  Emily is a little apprehensive around the dolphins, but marvels that Arie "isn't afraid of anything!" So not being afraid of a non-aggressive, probably trained, sea mammal makes you a manly man?  Just call me Paul Bunyan then!  Also, for reference....the first thing that comes up when you google "dolphin attack" is a wiki answer claiming there's only one confirmed human death at the hands (flippers?) of a dolphin, and this video is the second.  Clearly these are animals you should watch out for. 

more kissing, more kissing, more talking about kissing, more kissing, more talking about kissing.......

Apparently they've been making out so much that they've forgotten to ask a few vital questions like "what is it exactly that you do besides race cars?"  Clearly these two are ready for marriage. Arie says that he wakes up at 9, goes to the shop for a while, then goes out to dinner with friends and comes home on a typical day.  I shudder to think about him walking into a house as an instant father.  I can't even remember the last time I woke up after 8 am, and it's been even longer since I had dinner with friends after work.  Arie's anxious to show Emily how good he is with kids and how ready he is to be a father.  His "strategy" for being a dad is to "be her buddy" first.  I guess this is in contrast to walking in the door and barking at her to clean up her room and yell "don't make me come up there young lady!"  Emily seems to think that this answer shows how much thought he's put into being a father and says "I didn't give him enough credit."  This seems to be the equivalent of Arie making her a grilled cheese sandwich and her saying "I had no idea he was such a good cook!" 

Arie then says that he knows how tough this must be on Emily and that he "could never be in her shoes."  I'm suddenly hoping she picks Sean or Jef and Arie jumps at the chance to be our next bachelor.  Sorry Lamar Hurd, you'll have to wait.  I love watching people contradict themselves on national television.

The rose ceremony is up next, and Emily is a mess.  She's totally in love with these guys and it's so hard for her to make a choice.  She mentions that she she's falling in love with each of them....in different ways.  I'm thinking this means that she loves two of them as friends, but she's got to keep up appearances.  Emily says thinking about tonight makes her sad, because she's had "so much fun" on this journey.  Not because she's going to have to dump somebody she loves, but because her 10 week party is coming to an end.  The guys all made videos for her, and I was hoping that someone would say "I love you, but I know you've got other relationships going on and I want you to know that I'm going to be ok with whatever you decide.  Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."  These guys have all watched the show before and know how nerve wracking the final few rose ceremonies are on the bachelor/ette.  Of course nobody does this.  I guess you're opening yourself up to be sent home because you've sort of given her an easy way out, but then again if she's going to send you home because you tried to lighten the burden on her, clearly she had no intention of marrying you in the first place.  Emily looks like she's about to puke by the time the videos are done rolling.  She also feels bad that she's going to have to break a guys heart tonight.  You know why one of these guys hearts is going be broken tonight?  Because you told Sean he's "the perfect guy," you told Jef that you he was the guy "you pictured in your house with your daughter," and you've swapped so much saliva with Arie that you're now 1/4 Dutch. 

And the broken hearted dude du jour is....Sean!  Emily's sort of psycho friend from Charlotte that made Sean take his shirt off back in week three is pissed.  Sean seems kind of shocked.  Emily walks him to a bench, then unbelievably asks him what he's thinking.  Really?  You're going to make him do the talking right now?  You should be the one trying to console him, but instead you're crying and he's having to rub your back and tell you it's going to be ok?  Poor form, Ems. 

Scenes from the finale seem to show Emily making the decision to not marry anyone, but I'm 99.9999% sure this is clever editing by ABC to make us all think that.  Also, I'm a little surprised that there's not a single teaser shot of Ricki.  Does she not even come?  Is she seriously going to accept a marriage proposal without the guy even meeting her daughter?  Yikes.  My opinion is that she should choose Jef, but my guess is that she picks Arie because he's the "safe" pick.  He's a race car driver, he comes from money, and that's what she knows.  Plus, she's probably pictured herself doing the dirty with him so many times she'll have to pick Arie just to see if it measures up (no pun intended) to the fantasy she's built up in her mind. 

Next week is "the reunion show you don't want to miss."  ABC should throw us a curve sometime and say "you know what?  Skip this Men Tell All show, it's not that great." 

Bachelorette - Eddie Money Edition

The title's a reference to this song, in case you're not hip (or a fan of cheesy jokes).  Hometown dates y'all!

But first....

It's time for some mommy/daughter bonding. featuring Emily wearing some oversized jacket with what Rachel thinks looks like a skull on the back.  I personally think it looks more like a Hopi Indian cave drawing of a spider, but whatever.

Because we've got two hours of show to fill tonight, we get a nice montage of the four remaining suckers suitors complete with Emily narration.  Here's a quick recap:

Emily loves that Chris tells her what he thinks, BUT....

Jef would make the best dad and she sees something special in him, BUT.....

She has so much fun with Arie and there was an instant connection, BUT......

Sean is gorgeous.

Emily then says she really thinks she could be in love with one of these guys by the end.  Telling that she says ONE of them and not ANY of them.  She's already made her choice, I'm sure.  Let's see if we can figure out who it is!

First up is Chris in Chicago.  Emily and Chris do a horrible job faking a suprise meeting in front of a church that Chris says is the closest thing to a castle in Chicago.  Emily says she can see herself falling in love with Chris.  I think they edited out the part where she said "if he's a billionaire and I'm REALLY drunk."  Chris also tells us that on a scale of one to 10, he's "really Polish."  Emily says she's excited for Chris to take her to "all the cool" places in Chicago.  So of course he takes her to a generic restaurant to drink a beer.  Risky move.  He's trying to show her what a regular day is like with him, she wants to "see the cool places."  Methinks these two aren't on the same page at all.  They have a conversation that sounds like two coworkers trying to work on a presentation more than two people thinking about getting married.  Chris then preps Emily for his family.  His dad is "really Polish."  Get it?  Chris is Polish.  He says that his dad will like Emily because "she's a lot like his sisters."  Let's see, what do I think about that?  How do I put this.......

RED FREAKING FLAG

I just don't get the idea that you'd like to marry someone like your mom or sisters (or anyone else you're related to.)  It kind of sets up your significant other to always come in second place in your mind....to this point, Chris says he "doesn't know what he'd do if his family didn't like Emily."  Like if his sisters didn't like her, he'd dump her?  This shouldn't even be an issue.  If you think your family might not like the person you're dating, that's probably a good sign you shouldn't introduce them and maybe stop dating them.

Chris' dad IS Polish.  Wow.  He looks kind of like a nightclub owner.  A short, Polish nightclub owner.  He gets first crack at Emily.  Emily turns it on him and asks him if Chris is ready to be a dad.  John's answer isn't exactly a ringing endorsement:  "It's a huge responsibility and I think Chris will do his best.  It's not about the stuff you have, it's about the love, and Chris has that.  If you're not looking for that, then Chris might not be the guy for you."  Interesting.  Mama tells Chris he needs to "kick ass" if he wants to be with her.  Well, Chris tried to kick ass in the Highland Games and Doug owned him.  Kicking ass is not his forte.  Chris' sister basically says "dump him if you don't think he's the one."  Again, not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Papa Polish then tells Chris that Emily is falling in love with him, but I think something was lost in translation, because I don't remember her saying that.  The night ends with a good ol' Polka.  Emily didn't expect to see the side of Chris that says he's in love with her.  I'm not sure what that means, because that's pretty much the only side I've seen of him. 

Moving on to Utah and Jef....Jef lives a couple hundred acre ranch!  Not too shabby Jef.  Jef's so excited to see Emily, his hair has an erection.  It's really high today.  Emily hops out of the Suburban and into Jef's Batmobile of an ATV.  Jef is really in his element out on the ranch.  He's shooting guns and posing and telling Emily "you're on my turf now...if you don't do well today, I'm done with all this."  Way to tip the scales on her Jef.  Emily then gets a turn with the shotgun, and holy hell these two are like Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre in Tremors.  Remind me not to try to sneak onto Emily's southern plantation or Jef's Mormon ranch.  Between the two of them, I think they own more land than Rhode Island. 

Jef's parents are doing charity work in South Carolina (because that's apparently more important than meeting your son's future wife for the first time).  I'm pretty sure Jef doesn't win because of this.  Like, if he was going to be the winner, I'm pretty sure ABC would've worked around their trip to South Carolina.  Either that or they're incredibly private people, in which case I'll respect their wishes and not bash them for missing a major event in their son's life. 

The sisters have group time with Emily, and again Emily says that she's open to moving wherever to give Ricki a good life.  Brad Womack is calling his therapist right now.  Jef's sisters ask if she's in love with Jef, and she chokes so bad I thought I someone was going to have to give her the Heimlich.  She finally expels a forced "yes" from her mouth, but then throws in a qualifier of "I'm not one to throw that word around lightly." 

Jef then reads her a note, which is nice I guess, but I'm partial to people who don't read from scripts, even if it's a little more rambling and rough around the edges.  It just doesn't seem like you should need a pad of paper to tell someone what you think about them.  Emily, however, disagrees because she says "that's the sweetest thing she's ever heard."  Somewhere Ryan is stroking his manicured facial hair and saying "what the hell Emily?  My letter was way longer and more awesome!" 

Off to Arizona, and they're at the racetrack.  Emily says she's "totally excited" to be at the racetrack.  Last time we saw Emily at a racetrack, she was a complete wreck because it brought back so many memories of her fiance...you know, the one that was in the plane that never made it to its destination.  This time, there's not even a mention of him.  I hope Brad Womack has his therapist on speed dial.  Arie says that he's worried about Emily meeting his European parents because she's "so American."  When Emily presses him as to why that is, Arie starts talking about how awesome he is.  So what's the problem here?  Oh right...the mom.  Arie says she'll be the "least open minded" and they'll have to "work as a team to win her over."  This sounds like hit has the potential to blow up, but ABC has tricked me before.  My prediction is that everything looks like it's going off the rails until the mom gives her stamp of approval and everyone talks about how relieved the are.

In the ultimate awkwardness, Mama starts talking in Dutch, and this leads Arie to respond in Dutch and Emily to look horrified.  Arie's dad throws a lit match on this gasoline spill by saying "we're talking about you" to Emily.  Arie says that he knows how awkward this is, but continues to speak in Dutch nonetheless.  Well done.  He finally translates for Emily, saying mom just wanted to know how it was going and he told her it was going great.  Why that needed to be said in Dutch is beyond me.  The only point is to make it seem like Mama isn't sold on Emily yet.  I'm not falling for it this time ABC!  Arie's mom tells Emily that Arie is still traveling a lot and that it's a rough life, but that she "loves this life."  Her life seems to consist of plastic surgery, fancy clothes, and lots of wine.  What's not to love?  I got the better of ABC today, as mom gives her stamp of approval and Arie tells us how relieved he is and thankful to have his parent's blessing. 

Finally on to Sean's family down in Dallas.  Sean's got his dogs at a park and a v-neck shirt that makes him look a little like Popeye the Sailor to me.  They pick some flowers, throw frisbees to the dogs, and drink some wine on a blanket.  Sean finally says something of substance, talking about how he dated a girl for three years but had to end it because he knew deep down it wasn't going to be forever.  He feels a little remorse about this and has made a promise to himself that he won't go down that path again.   Good for him.  Time to meet the family!  Sean has a great family, including a niece named Kensington who has her own cottage in the backyard WITH AIR CONDITIONING!  Yipes.  Oh but it gets better....SEAN LIVES AT HOME STILL!!!!  He takes her up to his room and it's an absolute mess.  At this point I'm calling bullshit - there's no way anyone would invite 18 million people on television into their home with half eaten cookies laying around in the room of someone who supposedly has been away for a few months.  C'mon.  Emily puts on her best fake smile and says "it's cool, I like to clean."  Oh honey, you're better than that.  What happened to that West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat?  She would not have volunteered to be the maid for a dude who lives at home.  Oof. 

Sean's dad seems like a pretty thoughtful and nice dude.  He gets best parent award of the night, hands down.  Mom's cool too, she seems like the stereotypical Texas mom.  Have I mentioned before how much I like Texas?  If it wasn't 8 billion degrees all summer, I might consider moving there someday.  Sean can't bear to see the Tahoe drive off, so he takes off running down the street at a slow jog.  No way you could catch a car at that pace, buddy!  Of course, he does, and Emily says "what are you doing?"  Didn't he pull this stunt in Prague, tracking her down to make out with her?  Switch it up big fella! 

Why is the rose ceremony in L.A.?  Can we officially put the "we're doing the show to make it as easy as possible on Ricki" thing?  What a joke.  Chris Harrison and Emily recap the episode, where Emily says she likes all the guys so much and blah blah blah.  Emily then claims that she has no idea she has what she's going to do at the rose ceremony.  Stop it!  We all know you're sending Chris home.  Thanks for letting him down easy.  Harrison twists the knife a little more by saying "good luck, remember families are involved now!"  Not two minutes later than Emily says "I don't know what I'm going to do," she says "I'm ready to get it down to the three guys that I have super strong feelings for."  Ok then.....

Harrison then fluffs the guys up....but it doesn't seem to work as well as it does on the ladies.  The only guy who's showing any sort of nerves is Chris.  Emily says there wasn't "an obvious choice to send home" this week.  Except of course for the one guy she didn't have super strong feelings for.  Arie and Jef are safe and Sean will be too, as soon as Harrison reminds everyone of his impressive math skills.  "Emily has three roses.  She gives one to Arie and one to Jef.  How many roses does she have left?"  Sean's safe and Chris and his electric blue tie are left to ask for an explaination.  He's convinced that he did something wrong, and then tries to debunk her reasons.  Not the best way to get her to change her mind, buddy.  Chris apparently feels like he's the only person who can make him look like a fool on TV, and to prove it, he starts ranting in the limo.  "I'm ten times the man of any of those dudes in there," he says.  Real men don't call other guys "dudes" in fits of rage, buddy.  You're barely more of a man than my four year old son, "Dude."

Bachelorette: Czech ya later!

Welcome to Prague!  Emily says she doesn't know what to expect this week.  Let me help you out Em:  Lots and lots of man tears!  Chris reminds everyone for the sixth consecutive week that this week is "crucial."  Hometowns come up for the four survivors next week, so you really need to maximize your time with Emily guys.  Jef, master of the obvious, tells us that "Emily meeting his family would be a "big deal." 

Arie gets the first one on one.  He seems surprised, saying "I did not expect that."  Jef redeems his previously dumb comment by sarcastically saying "neither did I."  Good for him.  Point for Jef.  I find it amazing that I'm saying this, but Jef may actually be my favorite guy left.  Arie's an idiot, and we'll get to see more of his dumbassery tonight apparently.  Doug..is awful.  Chris is not ready for a relationship.  John calls himself "Wolf" and carries death cards in his wallet.  I don't think I gave the death cards enough play last week.  Is this like carrying pictures of your children in your wallet, only it's your dead grandparents?  Wouldn't a picture be enough.  The fact that it's called a "death card" makes me think that it's got stats on it like it's a Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie card or something.  Grandpa Wolf:  Height 6'2 Weight 202.  Occupation: Cobbler.  Years active:  1934-2010.  Do you trade these with other people?  Would you give up both your grandparents for your friends uncle who died in Iraq on his third tour?  Are people that died in odd ways more valuable?  I need to know more about death cards.  And Sean, well, I really have nothing against Sean other than that he seems to be winning this competition based on his looks alone, given that the only time he's really said anything significant is when he gave that regrettable public speech in England about how he was going to love better than anyone has ever loved before.  So yeah, Jef's in the top two or three.  Yikes.  Slim pickings for the West Virginia Backwoods Hood Rat. 

Emily knows what Arie did last summer, and guess what?  It was a producer!  Scandal!  Producer Cassie decides to come forward to Emily in what can only be described as an attempt to get herself some air time.  I like how they try to make it out that the HAD to tell Emily after it became clear that she had feelings for Arie.  Except it would've probably been a better idea to tell her right away...I agree with Emily on this one.  It's not a big deal, except now that everyone's been hiding it, it has turned into a "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!!" thing. 

Emily and Arie sit down at a cafe.  Emily essentially orders Arie a rope to hang himself with, and Arie gleefully ties the noose himself by saying over and over again how trustworthy he is and that honesty is always the best policy and how sometimes the truth hurts but it's always better to get it out there.  Emily seems to be in no hurry to confront him about Cassiegate, instead opting to see how deep of a hole she can get him to dig himself into.  Arie's hair seems to be getting more and more intentionally messy as the weeks go on.  It's as if with each week he feels more and more convinced he will win this thing and as such can be a little more daring every week with his hairstyle. 

Back from commercial, Chris Harrison lets us all down by telling us that the confrontation about this little "love triangle" happened off camera.  Translation:  It happened on camera, but was so brief and devoid of drama that there was no reason to show it.  Not surprisingly, they tried to make a mountain out of a molehill to get people hooked into watching, as Arie basically says "it was such a small thing, there was no reason to bring it up" and Emily says "you're so right!  Let's make out again!  Remember when I got fake mad at you at ABC's request for not telling me Kalon was a dick?  So sorry I had to do that again, but because I've already made up my mind that you're going to win this thing, I have to make things up to keep the season going." 

Back at home, a guy asks "what do you think they're doing?"  Doug takes the Captain Obvious crown from Jef by replying "almost certainly they're having dinner somewhere cool."  Doug's so astute.  The Wolf claims the second solo date.  Chris wants to go Incredible Hulk because he didn't get a date, but doesn't because he knows the other guys would rat him out for being angry. 

Back at dinner somewhere cool, Arie drops the "L" word and Emily eats it up.  She essentially calls off the rest of the competition by declaring "if things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier."  Well, if conveniently hiding a relationship with a producer on the top shelf of his consciousness isn't enough to derail the A-train, I think we have our winner.  Emily has a surprise for Arie:  fireworks.  You know what would really be a surprise?  No fireworks.  She sent a dude home on a one on one date and there were fireworks!  Fireworks are not a surprise on this show anymore.  You might as well call Chris Harrison saying "fellas, this is the last rose of the night" a surprise.

Emily and John are going on a boat, and Emily basically says "John's going home unless he reveals he's a multi-billionaire that knows one hundred ways to make me call him Big Poppa."  This seems more like a blind date than a couple that's one week away from meeting the parents.  Prague may be an amazing city, but the group dates so far have consisted of lunch at a run of the mill outdoor cafe and graffiti.  Ho hum.  The Wolf and Emily then find a place where you attach a padlock to a fence to symbolize your love.  Prague needs better ways to publicly express your love.  A graffiti wall and locks?  Not surprisingly, ABC gives Emily and John a lock that doesn't work.  Obvious symbolism for a relationship that's going nowhere.  Back at the hotel Chris, aka, Bruce Banner, is still trying not to Hulk out, although instead of a green rage monster I'm starting to think that he's going to turn into a blue crying ninny.  Emilyyyyyy....you never gave me as much time as the other guys!!! Do you like them more than meeeeeeee???"  I'm fully expecting him to say at some point "Be totally honest with me - and I promise I won't get mad - Do you think Arie is cuter than me?

John and Emily sit down for the serious portion of their date, and John makes the mistake of thinking that being open means telling Emily that you were cheated on in a past relationship.  At least it's a mistake to me, but Emily  seems to love it.  I've never really got the whole "you have to tell me why you are the way you are" portion of this show.  What does it matter?

I remember way back, I dated a girl who wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I felt like maybe I could figure out why she was the way she was and then get her to "come out of her shell" so to speak.  Well, eventually she told me about her past and then the situation mushroomed into way more than I was expecting and our relationship deteriorated rather quickly after that.  Point being, if someone's not exactly what you're looking for, don't waste time trying to figure out why they're not and start looking for someone who is.  It's much easier.  Especially when you're already dating five other people. 

Group date time, and in another obvious moment, the guy who is freaking out the most about going on the group date, finds out he's going on the group date.  Sean, decides to run around a city in a foreign country he's never been to at night to find Emily and spend a few moments with her.  Incredibly, ABC tries to give us the impression that they let Emily wander the darkened alleys of Prague all by herself.  As Sean bounds up the dark alley behind her, I got a very "Jack the Ripper" vibe from the whole scene. 

Group date time!  Chris is moody, Doug is just bursting with emotions, and Sean is content to live off the dark alley tryst they had the night before and let the other two guys play themselves out of Emily's future.  Doug thinks that touring a castle in the Czech Republic is every eleven and a half year old's dream.  I think that's probably true as long as the castle has an iPod with Angry Birds or maybe some knights fighting to the death.  They have an incredibly awkward conversation where Doug apologizes for accidentally brushing Emily's leg.  Is he serious right now?  Emily finally has had enough and tries to break up with Doug.  He starts to see that he's losing her, so he of course moves in for his first kiss at the most inappropriate time.  Emily, somewhat sarcastically, says "thanks for that," and Doug says "Yep."  You come with a quick peck on the lips and "yep?"  Wow man.  On the way home, Doug says that it's hard being "a single dad" and finding the right person.  I really hate this guy now.  The fact that you have a son has absolutely nothing to do with you going home right now, there's no need to even say that you're a single dad at this point.  The only reason you say that is to imply that somehow your son back home that she's never met has hindered your chance with her, which is absolute bullshit and a cop out.  Is the point he's trying to make that he'd probably have gotten a rose and found a girl if he didn't have a kid?  How freaking selfish can you be?  You can't talk about how awesome your kid is and how much he makes your world better when things are going well and then cry and talk about how he's holding you back when things start to go off the rails.  What a cop out, and what a cowardly thing to do.

The two remaining guys get keys to try to "unlock" private time with Emily.  ABC continues to poke the whiny bear that is Chris by giving him the key that doesn't work.  Sean and Emily have the most boring one on one time ever, in which she says "I woke up smiling, thanks for last night" and Sean says "My family will love you" and then they kiss and we're done.  Sean offers nothing more than pecs and eyes and lips, but given the competition, that places him in the 95th percentile.

Chris is bound and determined to burn himself to the ground by calling Emily out for not giving him a one on one.  In the lamest excuse ever, Emily says "hey a two on one date is the next best thing, right?"  Chris, after griping about it incessantly all episode, says "well I'm not going to dwell on it."  Clearly.  Emily then goes on to say that she only gets one rose and that rose only symbolizes "that she's ready to meet that person's family."  Guess who gets the rose?  Chris the whiny rage monster is bitter.  Emily makes no effort to say "you know, this doesn't mean you're going home, buck up."  I don't know exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "pack your bags you mopey loser."

My God, I just realized there's still forty minutes left in this show.  I'm tempted to skip this date with Jef.  They go to a puppet shoppe.  Emily says "it's crazy, but I can see myself with Jef" which really doesn't bode well for his winning the competition.  They then go to a library, where they have this exchange:

Jef:   Whoa, this is crazy!
Emily:  Cool, huh?
Jef:   This is ridiculous!
Emily:  I know right?

I hate you two.

They then enact a puppet show in the library, and it's so incredibly lame that it's actually kind of sweet.  Emily may act like a sweet, Southern Belle or tell everyone that she can take her earrings off and go Hood Rat on someone's ass, but she seems most at ease when she's nerding out with Jef and his knee high blue socks.   Jef winning this thing would be more shocking to me than the fact that Tyler Perry has made a fortune dressing like a grandmother named Madea.  Because really, why do people like those movies?

Jef feels like he's made it to that place where people are "so excited to see that other person, and so excited to see what's to come."  You know what people call that place Jef?  They call it "the end of the second date."  That's like the first thing that happens in a relationship!  It's all downhill from there buddy.  (That's a joke, Rachel.)  Emily finds out that Jef stopped dating a girl because his parents didn't like her.  Emily is freaked out.  Remember, Jef isn't that old.  He's like 24.  This very well could've happend in high school, when you're supposed to listen to your parents.  

Lying on the floor of the library/puppet theater, Jef decides to get serious and tackle living together and having kids.  Props to Jef, because nobody else is having these conversations with her.  Arie and Sean are still in the steamy romance phase, Wolf and Whiny Rage Monster are just trying to keep their head above water, and Jef is starting to actually develop a RELATIONSHIP.  Jef then says "I want to marry the f*ck out of you."  Sadly, I find myself starting to like this guy.  Jef better wear rainbow socks and a speedo to the rose ceremony tonight to remind me that he's a moron. 

Jef says that the two guys that should be scared of going home are Chris and Wolf.  I guess Doug was able to give the Obvious crown back to Jef before he left.  Emily calls Chris Harrison in for a chat and tells him her mind's made up and there will be no rose ceremony tonight.  This whole episode has been geared towards driving Chris over the edge, and boy is it working.  That guy is a ticking time bomb.  Of course, even though Emily has made her mind up, they let the guys sit around for a while so Chris can freak himself out as much as possible. He's now at the point where he feels he needs to do anything possible to show her how much she should keep him, even if that very thing is what will make her more convinced his ass needs to go.  This should be good.

Three roses.  Jef and Arie get the first two, and guess what?  We're down to Wolf and Chris.  Who will she choose?  Harrison shockingly tells us that this is the final rose of the night.  Before Emily can make her decision, Chris goes into his last ditch effort.  Arie is shocked that Chris would interrupt a rose ceremony, as if the sacred tradition of Bachelor/ette rose ceremonies is not something to be trifled with.  You don't F*CK with TRADITION, Chris!"  Chris, tries his hardest to tell Emily how much he loves her and how much he wants to be with her, and in true Bachelor/ette fashion she gives him the rose because everything we've seen all episode has led us to belive he was going home, and I fell for it.  I'm an idiot.  I pride myself on my knowledge of this show, and I just got led down the primrose path by Chris Harrison and his merry band of puppetteers. 

Adios to the Wolf, who really had no chance.  His name is Wolf and his occupation is "Data Destruction Specialist."  The guy named the Wolf specializes in making information disappear.  Sounds like a mafia hitman or something.  He says he shared things with her that he doesn't normally share with people....except you know the 10 million people who watch every week. 

So Chris, Arie, Jef, and Sean are the final four.  Does anyone realistically see Chris making it beyond next week?  I don't see it.

Also, the Glass House looks awful.

Men Riding Donkeys

This week they announced the cast for Bachelor Pad 3, and lo and behold, my boy Tony Pieper will be back for another round of showing America how much he loves and misses his son.  I guess an optimist would say that he tried to find love with Emily on the Bachelorette but it didn't work out, so he's going to give it one more shot to find a wife who would also be a good mother for his son.  A pessimist would say that he overplayed the "I miss my son" card with Emily and she sent him home because of it, so now he's back to try and earn some more TV time with some girls with less reliable moral compasses on the Bachelor Pad.  As I'm typing this, I'm actually wondering if maybe ABC asked Tony to really emphasize how much he missed his son to try to make some drama out of nothing on the season, and when it backfired, they apologized by offering him a spot on the Pad.  Lord knows that you don't go to the Bachelor Pad looking for a mother for your kid.  It's all drunken hookups, backstabbing, and games where you throw eggs at people you think are less attractive.  Then again, Lindzi from Ben's season is doing it, and I thought she came through the Bachelor franchises rigmarole with more of her dignity intact than just about anyone ever has.  I said this before Tony went on the 'ette and I'll say it again:  I hope he gets whatever it is he's hoping to get out of his time on reality TV.

On to Croatia!  Emily tells us that Croatia is "really like being in another world" and that it's "like going back in time."  These things really confuse me, because how many other worlds has Emily been to?  In what movies do you go to another planet and it looks like Eastern Europe?  Also, judging from the hotel room the guys are staying in, Croatia is not that far back in time.  Like maybe 2009. Has electricity and everything!  Also, Ricki has gone back to Carolina with the nanny, making the decision to move the show to Carolina in the first place that much more bizarre, although it'd be kind of cool if they started taking the show on the road and setting up in the hometowns of the bachelor/bachelorette.  Just don't pretend to make it about the kid, because this process is clearly not about Ricki.

First date goes to Travis.  They walk through old town, and Travis pretends to like the pistachio ice cream Emily gets.  Then they try to balance on some stone that apparently will make you lucky in love if you can balance on it topless.  Emily says they're not leaving until one of them succeeds, but makes no attempt to take her own shirt off.  Neither does Travis, although he does try to balance.  Emily pouts to the cameras that she didn't get to see what was under that shirt.  Apparently abs are high on Emily's list of requirements in a suitor.  Lil' Ricki ain't getting no daddy with a flabby tummy y'all!  After some awkward dancing in front of a street musician who looks like he wants nothing more than for the obnoxious Americans to leave, Travis declares the date to be a 10 on a "scale of 8."  Who uses an 8 point scale?  Rachel says people in Mississippi do because they don't usually deal with numbers as high as ten.  She beat me to that joke.  I do like Travis though, as he seems to be one of the genuine good guys on this show who isn't really that concerned with his image.  The dinner goes smoothly, but there's no passion, and Emily gives him the boot.  Nice guys do finish last in North Carolina apparently.  Emily says that in a lot of ways this was "so perfect, but in the biggest way it wasn't."  I'm still trying to figure out how there's less passion with Travis than their is with Jef the middle school lover, but whatever.  Travis cries on his way out, then throws his umbrella away in the rain in mock anger.  I'm wondering how many times they shot that before he was able to do it without smiling or laughing and saying "I'm sorry, you guys really want me to throw an umbrella against a wall?"  Nobody throws an umbrella.  There's no satisfaction in it, especially when it's opened.  You can't get any velocity on it as the wind resistance immediately slows it down and makes you look like a sissy.  It's like throwing an uncrumpled sheet of paper.  When you throw something out of anger, you're trying to inflict damage on either the item you threw, or the item you're throwing at.  An opened umbrella won't accomplish any of that.  Feel bad for Travis.

Onto the group date.  They're watching Brave, which is about a Scottish princess who has to marry one of three guys, but she's a badass who wants to choose her own fate.  Emily loves the movie, the guys pretend to love the movie, and now it's time to have the guys compete in their own version of the Highland Games.  Of course, they'll be wearing kilts, and it's time for the Americans to bash everything about other cultures!  We're wearing skirts!  This is worse than wearing the dress in the Shakespeare festival!  What a Scottish movie and Croatia have to do with each other I have no clue, but Disney was going to get their movie plugged come hell or high water!  Also, they're riding donkeys because that's the traditional mount of Croatian warriors.  This makes me wonder how many times Croatia has been conquered over the centuries, because I'll bet it's a lot.  An army of donkeys?  I hope the march into battle to this song C'mon Croatia, you're better than that.  Chris loses the first round by shooting a bow and arrow in the most effeminate way ever.  Pretty awesome.  Next event is caber toss, and Chris volunteers in an attempt to redeem himself, but fails at that too.  Shawn throws the log and it breaks, and apparently this is due to his huge muscles and no the log falling on the ground at an awkward angle.  Emily thinks he looked freaking hot and his hotness broke the log or something.  Whatever.  Next up is something that is essentially one on one tug of war with a stick instead of a rope.  Again Chris is up first, and he picks Doug for his opponent, an again he's soundly defeated.  All his losing makes an impression on Emily though, and she gives him the Bravery Cup, a ficticious award given to the person who fails the most spectacularly. 

The cocktail party goes pretty routinely.   Sean says he's having "strong feelings" that he hasn't had in a long time.  Arie continues his mission to say whatever he thinks Emily wants or needs to hear regardless of if he means it or not.  This time he's apologizing for London, where he didn't stick up for her enough.  She brushes it off, saying she held him to a higher standard than the other guys, which I suppose you should do if a guy keeps telling you how special you are and how much he cares about you and all he wants are your kisses and blah blah blah.  Actions speak louder than words Arie, remember that.  The only action Arie seems to know is tongue action, because they're at it again on a dark street.

Jef, bless his heart, is so totally stoked that he's finaly kissed a girl that he can't wait to do it again. I swear this guy is 14 years old.  Emily wants to know what took him so stinking long to make a move.  Jef says it's because he was scared of her.  I think what he really means is that he was scared of rejection, but whatever.  Emily asks him if that's really the reason, or if he was playing some sort of "hard to get" game with her.  Jef tells her he thinks she's "freaking awesome." This is not a man capable of playing mind games with a girl.  I'm still confused as to how she feels more passion with this dinkus than Travis, but whatever. 

Chris uses his one on one time to say the most confusing sentence ever.  "If I ever love you, I'll love you forever.  I want you to know that I'm in this forever."  What the heck does that mean?  Does he love her and just can't tell her yet?  Is he telling her that he doesn't feel the passion yet, but he sees the potential?  I have no clue.  Emily apparently understands enough to give him the rose, much to the chagrin of Arie, who pouts that every time he thinks he's getting a rose, he doesn't.  Guess you'll have to settle for those kisses instead, Mr. Racecar Driver.

Ryan's one on one date is up next, and he starts off the date by talking about how he's such an optimist and he's always seeing the positive in everything and how Emily's the pearl in this world and all the other guys are about to throw up.  Rachel says that Emily seems exhausted before they ever get off the couch .  Ryan's talking about how he's a safe driver and  "never gets in accidents."  This is true of everyone until, of course, they get in their first accident.  He's really hamming it up, and Emily seems to love it.  She says that they have great chemistry.  Translation is that she thinks he's attractive.  They go oystering, and then some old Croatian yells at them and shows them a yellowed picture of himself from fifty years ago.  Who he was and why he felt compelled to convey his autobiography to these two is beyond me.  Ryan repeats the trophy wife comment, and Emily bristles.  Ryan then explains that a trophy is something that exemplifies the best things in life and that she is the best things in life.  This satisfies Emily enough that she doesn't smack him.

Then it's onto dinner, where Ryan throws more smooth lines that Emily tries to act offended at but smiles so big you know she loves every minute of it.  Ryan, he of the eight page note that sunk Tony in week two, pulls out yet another note with twelve qualities he wants in his wife on it:  Loyalty, Logic, Encouraging, Faithful, Nurturing, Confident, and Magnetic, Loves to Laugh, assertive, unselfish, sexy personality, and someone who catches his eye, and he says "you see I put that one last, but I also put it in bold."  As he's trying to say "it's not that important to me and YET IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME.  What an enigma Ryan is!!  Emily says that "she feels the need to be perfect around him all the time," to which Ryan responds "that is a great point and very smart of you to bring up." He then drops it and apparently that's the end of the conversation.  Does he not value her opinion enough to offer a counterpoint?  He then switches the subject to the rose, and Emily tells him she sees a lot in him, but doesn't think that they are looking for the same thing in a relationship and therefore can't give him the rose.  Ryan, master manipulator that he is, latches onto the indecision in Emily's voice and body language and attacks her as making a rash decision in not giving him more time.  Ryan is showing no intention of leaving the table, and Emily is showing no urgency in excusing him, almost as if she (or ABC) WANTS HIM TO TALK HER OUT OF LETTING HIM GO.  What? Contrived drama on a reality show?  For shame!  Ryan, ever the wordsmith, says "sometimes you make the right decisions and sometimes you make the wrong decisions....time will tell."  He's trying to be serious, but it reminded me of Rosie Perez in White Men Can't Jump when she says sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you tie, you really win or lose."  Emily channels her innner Disney Princess and takes control of the situation and tells him again that he's not getting the rose.  Ryan then says something incredibly logical and thoughtful in that he "hates hearing her say that she doesn't think she makes him happy, because he does enjoy their time together."  A very good statement, but then he follows it up by saying "you have to trust yourself, but you're making the wrong decision."  Welcome back, arrogant Ryan!  We get a shot of the guys high fiving over Ryan's departure, and then back to Ryan, who, as he's getting into the reject taxi, says "when you look at me, you're looking at a winner."  Something tells me he'll get over this pretty quickly. 

Side note:  That's at least the third person that's been sent home on a one on one date.  The guys may hate the group dates, but it seems that she's using the one on one dates as a last chance for guys she's thinking about sending home.  You're pretty safe if you're on the group date. 

Arie apparently bribes the production team into getting extra one on one time and sneaks over to Emily's room to cuddle in bed and kick Ryan while he's down.  Much like with Kalon, Arie feels fine talking about what a dick Ryan is after he's gone, but this time Emily seems to appreciate it this time around.  How this situation is  any different I don't know, but I'd say we already know who this season's winner is. 

Emily breaks with Bachelor tradition by saying "I think if I was sending someone home tonight, it'd be John."  This probably means that John is going to redeem himself in a big way at this cocktail party, and guess what?  He does!  He carries his grandparents funeral cards in his wallet, and in the world's largest coincidence ever, his grandpa died 9 years ago today!  All of this is very touching to Emily, who knows what it's like to have someone close to her die (just like everyone else in the world too).  Now she's conflicted.  He loved his grandparents!  He's probably good husband material!

Doug, who I see even less passion in than Travis or Jef, gets all uncomfortable and awkward when Emily tells him to touch her.  She says that she loves that people call him "Humble Doug," which of course he humbly answers "It's just a name."  He then humbly says that he's less sure of his place and may have in fact taken a step back tonight.  What a humble guy.  He then cries when thinking about his son and America OD's on humble pie. 

Emily says that Ryan told her he couldn't believe she was giving up on the chance that something could be there, and that's really stuck with her.  So much so that she doesn't want to give up on that chance with the other guys!  In a cruel twist of fate, confident Ryan's confident words end up bolstering the chances of the other guys.  Emily continues with her strange mixed messages by saying "I'm not 100% sure of what I'm doing, but I'm sending some people home anyways, sorry guys!"  Chris, who would've been executed in old time Scotland for being the worst Highlander ever, is safe, and the other roses go to Arie, Shawn and Jef.  Emily then gets all conflicted and walks out of the room without a word.  She goes and talks to Chris, who tells her she makes the rules.  She then hands him the rose and walks back into the room and, in the most nervous way ever says "I can't hand out the final rose."  But wait!  Here comes Chris with an extra rose!  They're both safe!  Emily was just faking the nervous tension!  What a performance...you don't think she was purposefully playing with their emotions do you?  What a great way to find a husband.

Time for scenes from next week, and apparently Arie used to hook up with a producer.  I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not.  Probably helps you get on the shows if you know someone who works on them.  Also, we get our nice little parting scene of the guys trying to ride the donkeys.  Rachel says she'd rather watch two hours of them trying to ride a donkey than a regular episode of the bachelorette.  Sadly, I agree with her, although you can't really blog about a two hour donkey ride, can you?

Snitches get Roses

High five to Jonah and Jocelyn for falling asleep at 7:45, so we can watch the Bachelorette in real time.  Maybe I can get to bed before 11 on a Monday night for once!  Before we get into this week's episode, let's take a minute to remember what I said about Jef last week:  "I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality."  Well guess what folks!

Props to Morgan Nelson for alerting me that I am a genius!

I don't want to brag, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.  Speaking of Jef, he's worried that Emily is going to have that "click" with Sean on their one on one date.  You know, because he absolutely doesn't.  Jef is hoping to have some alone time with Emily, presumably so he can awkwardly stare and her and talk to her like he's still the nervous 14 year old in the photograph above.  To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett, he's "growing older, not up" I guess.

How original!  Sean and Emily are taking a double decker bus around the city.  Emily is acting as a tour guide, but it's blatantly obvious that she's being fed the information.  We've seen this before on seasons, where Ben told us about what year the Mayans built their temples and stuff, but Emily is quoting straight from Wikipedia right now.  It's like Sean's a third grader on a field trip.  I'm pretty sure that neither of them were entirely sure what anything was. 

Back at the ranch, Kalon, Arie and Jef are talking about dating Emily and Jef makes the comment that he's the "group date master."  This is true, because I'm sure he's a fun guy to be around, but not alone with.  Kalon, ever the observant d-bag, says "well, you know, every date with Emily will be a group date, because Ricki will be coming along too."  It's not entirely a false statement, but of course the other guys (and ABC) are looking for any chance to twist some words around.  It comes off as "Kalon's bitter and resents Ricki" which may or may not be the case.  What's not up for debate is that ABC edited in that awkward laugh Kalon did after saying it from a different part of the conversation to make him look callous.  This is how you make someone a villain in the reality TV world. 

Back on the date, Emily gets Sean to get up on a box and wax poetic about love in a public park.  It goes every bit as horribly as you'd expect a spontaneous speech in front of strangers in a public park to go.  He arrogantly says that love, to him, "is a feeling most people can't comprehend."  Right....all those billions of people in the history of the world that have gotten married were just posers to the love that Sean's looking for.  He wants to give himself over completely to Emily, which is one of those things a vampire would say in a young adult novel.  It really has no meaning in the real world. 

Emily is apparently fighting a cold, because she sounds like she smoked a whole pack of Lucky Strikes before heading to dinner with Sean at the Tower of London.  Emily tries to psyche him out by telling him that King Henry VIII used to behead people in this building, which is about the worst romantic date conversation ever.  PEOPLE DIED IN THIS ROOM, SO YOU BETTER NOT TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN!!  You know, because she's been engaged twice and has a child herself, so that would be just awful of Sean to have that in his past.  Sean, ever the cool guy, says "what you see is what you get," and then goes over the top by saying this is the "best day he's ever had, hands down."  If this is his best day ever, his life hasn't been that exciting.  Hanging out in London with a chick with a cold and eating in a death chamber sounds pretty memorable, but not exactly like a "best day ever."  The hyperbole continues with Emily saying she had the "best time ever," and Sean saying that they have the "best view ever."  Well these two are either lying to each other, or they're in that fun dating stage where your mind convinces you that things are way, way better than they are.  I remember being totally infatuated with a girl who walked dogs at the humane society once a week.  At the time, I thought this was the most selfless, amazing, and altruistic act ever.  In reality, it's something one does because it looks great on a resume, but I was totally smitten, so I of course gushed over this for a good month.

Group date is Shakespeare time.  Emily's voice continues to deteriorate, but Doug the Overly Happy Dad says that Emily is being a "Super Awesome Trooper," which is funny, because I think that's what my son wants to be for Halloween.  Kalon gets to play Romeo and of course says "I'm not surprised, I was born to play this role."  Arie is proving that race car driving and acting are mutually exclusive talents, and Travis is owning it and doing what everyone should be doing, having a good time.  Kalon is making the fateful mistake that the person who performs the best on the group date activity will impress the bachelorette.  Being a serious actor will not make you good husband material.  Remember when Ben had all the girls play baseball in Puerto Rico?  Blakely dominated, but went home like the next week.  Nobody cares that you can make a backhanded stab of a groundball in the hole at short.  Right on cue, Emily says that Kalon needs to chill out because he's "not on Broadway."  EXACTLY.  Not to be outdone, Arie is taking it too far in the other direction and getting all mopey that he has to play a woman.  It's a play, you're acting, nobody gives a crap.  Time to start the play....John says that Emily is the "most beautiful Juliet he's ever seen," which probably means he thinks she's prettier than Claire Danes or that one girl in his sophomore English class that played Juliet in the school play.  Doug, who I'm now convinced lives his life by the motto "an empty glass is still full of air" hops on the hyperbole bandwagon and says he's going to play the "best woman anyone's ever seen."  Emily says that she "loves seeing all the guys interact with each other."  I'm not sure what this means...is she hoping to go on group dates even after selects a "winner?"  Kalon goes for super intense Romeo, and Emily is not having it.  She rather bluntly says that he was given the most romantic lead and it was the least romantic scene.  This is extremely unfair to Kalon, as I'm sure that if Sean or Arie had gone for intense Romeo, she would've eaten it up talking about the passion behind his words or some crap like that.  This, coupled with his flippant remark about Ricki earlier probably has earned him a helicopter ride home. 

Glass Always Full Doug says "you gotta have fun because she's worth it.  I signed on to do this, so I'm going to give it my all."  This includes speaking like he just inhaled helium and got kicked in the balls and passionately kissing John the Wolf's cheek.  I hate Doug.  Arie, for all his bitching and moaning, goes out there and has fun and holy shit does Emily love it.  Ryan's built up this kiss in his mind forever, and then goes out like a punk with a dainty kiss...or does he?  In a brilliant bit of improvisation, Ryan puts off dying just long enough to go back in for a second kiss.  Emily likes it, and all the guys look like someone just got the last cotton candy at the county fair after they waited in line for thirty minutes.  Emily calls him a good kisser and calls him the "perfect Romeo."  You know, if Romeo were a self-centered former football player.  Also, props to the guys for pretending the kiss "didn't count" because it was part of a play.  Looked pretty real to Emily and Ryan. 

Time for the wrap party.  Doug's thanking his lucky stars that he got to experience something new...in this case dressing like an old woman in a play.  Cross that one off your bucket list, Dougy Doug!  Arie and Ryan at times seem more interested in beating each other rather than winning Emily's hand.  Ryan gives us another glimpse into the Gospel of Ryan by telling us that "when a girl says that you're trouble but smiles while saying it, she probably wants to get in trouble."  Preach on, Father Ryan!  He then pulls out a necklace for her, which of course is her favorite color, which of course Ryan claims he knew.  When did he get that?  Did he pack it along with him before the trip started?  Did he run down to the local shop...er...shoppe during someone else's scene in the Shakespeare Festival?  Or did an ABC producer slip it into his hand right before his alone time and say "why don't you give her this...it's her favorite color!"  I go with option C.  Emily, somewhat cryptically, says "this is a huge surprise - for so many reasons!"  Ryan, too busy high fiving himself on the inside, doesn't swallow the verbal lure that Emily just dangled in front of him. 

OK, now onto the real drama of the night...someone besmirches the name of "Lil' Ricki."  Of course, Kalon's "baggage" comment isn't on film, despite the fact that ABC has cameras on these guys all the time.  What I'm getting out of this is that Kalon sees the writing on the wall that he's going home and like a spoiled kid that slowly realizes he's not going to get the new toy he wants, lashes out at the easiest target around.  Of course, Doug turns this into an attack on all children, especially his and threatens to "throw Kalon on the ground."  Well, that'll certainly make him think about what he's done, Doug.  Kalon, to his credit, doesn't try to shy away from what he says, but does say that he wished he'd said "responsibility" instead of "baggage."  Not good enough for the nine other guys, who are all out the slay the dragon that has sullied the name of their fair princess Emily.  Doug, never missing a chance to prove his moral compass always points North, elects himself to be the bearer of bad news.  Emily is so mad she is planning on turning into the Female Redneck Incredible Hulk, or in her words "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods on his ass."  I have no clue what this means, although the impression I get of West Virginia is that there aren't many "hoods" for the rats to come out of.  Nonetheless, Emily is bound and determined to rip his limbs off and beat him with them.  Doug, somehow has made himself Emcee of this show.  I actually like him less than Kalon.  Kalon, to his credit, tries to own it and explain, but Emily is so angry that she won't even let him speak.  Ironic, in that she seemed to despise that quality in Kalon himself.  After taking a walk to turn herself back into Bruce Banner, chastises the guys for not telling her sooner.  Arie says "I'm so glad you sent him home, because it was eating me up not to tell you that Kalon was a dick."  So then why didn't you tell her?  Also, by not handing out a rose and basically making the guys feel like they let her down, just ensured that they're going to snitch on each other for EVERYTHING the rest of the season.  Awesome.

Back at the hotel, we learn that Ricki thinks a dragon lives at Buckingham Palace, and that Emily calls her Goose.  OK then.....

One f Jef gets his date at what might be the most perfect time for him.  Of all the guys, he's probably the one that worships Emily the most and is most likely to tell her exactly what she wants/needs to hear without her feeling like he's putting the moves on her.  Time for a spot of tea...as Jef gets absolutely upbraided by Jeanne, the domineering tea expert who is going to make sure that they never ever screw up tea time again.  Little does Jeanne know that this West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods Girl just wants her PB&J with the crust on, bitch!  Jef, true to form, tells Emily exactly what she wants hear, that he called Kalon out when he said the baggage thing.  Also, Emily apparently needed to hear that Jef thinks that Ricki is an expensive handbag that he wants to keep forever....cause that's not creepy at all.  Jef says he wants to get "above it all" so of course they take a glorified Ferris wheel over London to eat dessert.  Emily, not willing to let a bad thing go, spends most of their dessert talking about Kalon and Jef just constantly builds her up, telling her that "it's so cool" that she cusses at mean men.  Emily keeps talking about how she "almost" beat the crap out of Kalon, but found a little bit of restraint.  She sounds like that annoying little guy that only acts tough when his three friends who play football are around.  Emily goes hypothetical on Jef, asking what would happen if she moved to Salt Lake with Ricki.  Jef, says that'd be awesome because he could have dance parties with Ricki while Emily goes out.  In what world does any of that happen? 

Meanwhile, back in Austin, Texas, Brad Womack throws an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at his flat screen and cries himself to sleep.  Seriously, did she just propose moving to SLC to live with Jef, after basically saying that moving to Texas was a deal breaker with Brad, a guy she agreed (in principle) to marry?  He wears knee high blue socks!  And, honey, Texas is a lot more like North Carolina than Utah is (says Andy, the guy who's never been to North Carolina.)  Jef, who is still waiting for the PERFECT time to kiss Emily, misses about seventeen almost perfect moments before finally biting the bullet and basically begs her to kiss him.  It would've been sweet....if these two were not old enough to vote. 

Back at the hotel, Emily turns the cocktail party into the Spanish Inquisition and accuses everyone of letting her down, when Kalon's the only one that really insulted her.  Arie tries like hell to get out of the hole Emily has put him in, but the only tool he has is a shovel of a brain.  He says some b.s. crap about how he didn't want to ruin his time with her talking about the other guys and that she "clearly had the situation handled."  Hilariously, the two guys that are doling out advice on what should've happened are the two guys that have roses.  Another point that seems to be lost on Emily is "when were these guys supposed to tell her?"  Were they supposed to torpedo their group date by telling her before they went?  Or the night before when they are sequestered and forbidden by ABC from talking to her?  It seems like it came out at the appropriate time...when the date was over, everyone had had time to talk to her without this cloud hanging over everything, and of course when everyone was sufficiently plied with liquor to muster the courage to discuss such an awkward situation. 

At the rose ceremony, Doug gets the first rose, further driving home the "rat out the other guys and you'll be rewarded" theme of the second half of this episode.  Other roses are handed out, until Arie and Alejandro are the only two left.  Arie might see this as a wake up call that he almost went home, but he should look at this as a positive.  Apparently Emily had Arie so built up that it really crushed her that he didn't beat up Kalon so she decided to make him squirm a little bit. Basically he's still a front runner, but he hasn't won the race yet.  Arie apparently got the message, because the upcoming scenes show him mustering up the courage to go talk to Emily about Ryan's antics. 

God bless this crappy, crappy show.

So I Took a One Year Hiatus...

OK, maybe it was only a week, but it gave me a chance to look up one of my favorite Sir Mix-a-Lot songs "The Boss is Back".  If you're upset about the lost week of Bachelorette blogging (and I got at least one text message to that effect), please contact Grant and Bryony Lasselle, as their wedding weekend left me far too exhausted to watch and blog at the same time on Memorial Day.

Now, onto the week.  We've got a two on one date, or as I like to call them "a chance for two guys to talk crap about each other behind each other's backs as much as possible."  Guess what?  It's time to pack everyone's bags, because we're leaving Charlotte!  Ol' Chris Harrison hasn't even got the words out of his mouth before the fame-hungry men breathlessly ask "where we goin?"  You'd think they were sick of Charlotte or something.  Good thing if they get married, they'll be living somewhere else, right?  Oh wait......

Off to the Bahamas!  Doug gets the first date, then explains to the guys that "he put his whole life on hold" as if the other guys hadn't.  The other guys are giving him a little bit of a bad time....especially Arie.  Doug has been playing the good parent the entire time, so naturally he goes into a string of profanities that would make the house guests of Jersey Shore blush.  The other guys pick up on the fact that he's a bit on edge, so they do what any group of guys would do in that situation:  They start busting his balls.  Doug does nothing to help himself out, by trying to be serious when everyone else is having a good time.  I used to try the "guys I'm being serious" tactic when I was younger, and my brother and friends turned it into a game they called "Andy Ego Day" in which they put an arbitrary point system in place based on the reaction I gave.  I'm not sure what a "c'mon bro" would've scored, but Arie got quite a few of those from ol' Dougy.

On the date, Doug morphs back into "aw shucks" dad and tells Emily he became who he is today by "being a dad."  He then proceeds to say that he started his own charity, which I'll admit is fairly impressive.  He then borrows a line from the title of a popular documentary and says "Superman wasn't showing up."  I can't decide if this is a corny way of working the fact that he watches documentaries into his conversation, or if it's just a douche move and he was trying to pass it off as his own line.  Either way I wasn't impressed.  Emily then says she'd like to send Doug's son a postcard.  Doug gets all excited, and says "what kid wouldn't want a postcard from his dad?"  You know who wouldn't like a postcard from their dad?  A kid who's with their parent so there's no need to send a postcard!  Also, I don't know a kid who wants a postcard from his dad and the girl he's in the Bahamas with that they've never met.  Doug left that part out. 

Emily tries to grill Doug on his faults at dinner, and Doug goes Captain America and says his biggest fault is that he's too good of a dad and that he didn't wash his ex-girlfriend's car enough.  Emily claims that she knows that Doug isn't so happy all the time, and there has to be more to him than being "Austin's dad."  I thought this was a very astute observation of Emily's, but when she asks again, Doug goes "well, what are your faults?"  I'm not claiming to be a love doctor or anything, but even I know that it's a bad idea to ask a women to list the things she doesn't like about herself without offering up anything of substance about yourself. 

Doug then explains that he's not going to kiss Emily because his grandpappy told him that a girl will let him know when she wants to be kissed.  He then goes third person and says "Emily will let Doug know when she wants a kiss from Doug."  Again, I'm no expert, but if you've got limited time with a girl, there's umpteen other guys vying for her affection, then you might as well give kissing a shot.  I mean, if you want to marry this girl, you probably need to know if you have sexual chemistry, right?  This is another beef of mine with this show...the guys seem to acknowledge the fact that this courtship is on an accelerated time frame, yet handle it in the wrong ways.  This leads to some awkward staring at each other and the ultimate sign of a mediocre date when dinner ends with a "well, should we go?"  Oof.  Doug's stock tanked more than Facebook's in our house tonight.

Group date time.  I always love the group dates where the girl sits off to the side while the guys compete in some asinine "challenge" to get to drink too many cocktails in Emily's presence and say a bunch of stuff they'll regret when they see it on TV once it airs. In this case, the "date" is the dudes splitting into two teams and having a boat race.  Yellow team wins.  The red team is crushed.  Charlie is so upset at the fact that he lost a boat race that he starts crying and says he's "so embarrassed."  Apparently Massive Head Wound Charlie doesn't need the cocktails to say things he'll regret. 

At the cocktail party, Ryan toasts to his "trophy wife" Emily.  The cocktails are flowing freely tonight, boys and girls!  Arie does the smart thing and takes Emily off away from everyone else for some alone time.  Then he does what Doug should've done and kisses her.  Emily tells him to "be patient," which makes me think he'll be around for a while.  Well, that and the fact that he's the only guy who doesn't piss me off right now. 

Next up for sloppy seconds with Emily and her community blanket is Jef, who says things like "you're totally cool, and like the I just get so pumped up to be around you, because, like, you're really super fun, and gosh, you're awesome."  I have no clue what Emily sees in him.  Of course, Jef doesn't capitalize on this and goes for the Doug option of wrapping up a date by saying "well, should we get going?"  Oof.

Next up is uber-bro Ryan, who has set a record for going from Andy's favorite, to Andy's mortal enemy in about two and a half episodes.  He actually opens up his conversation by saying "there's a lot of depth to this...to me."  Yeesh.  Emily then gets in her required "Extreme Southern Accent Rant" and Ryan, who, exudes confidence 24/7, then gets all shaky and basically says "how could you kiss Arie in front of me?  I thought you were into me?"  I get the feeling Ryan's looks have muted the words coming out of his mouth with the ladies for many, many years.  I hate this guy.

You know who Emily doesn't hate?  Jef.  I'm done trying to figure out Emily.  She gave Jef, the lost puppy that just wants his belly rubbed and to be told that he's a good boy, the rose.  If she's looking looking for a man to take a little control in her house and take all the parenting duties off her shoulders as she claims she is, then she's barking up the wrong tree with Jef.

Now we get our required reminder that Emily is a mom as we see Ricki and her lounging by the pool.  I'm still confused as to why it's ok for Ricki to fly all over the country with her mommy, but she couldn't fly out to LA for the first few weeks of the show.  But whatever.

Back at the house, the guys are trying to figure out if John or Nate are coming back.  The consensus seems to be that John the Wolf is coming back because he's older.  Young guy Chris takes offense to this, probably because he saw the disappointment on Emily's face when he told her he was 25 last week.  I'm guessing that Doug's "I'm the mature, responsible dad" schtick is starting to wear thin on the guys.  I mean, I only see him two hours a week and the guy is killing me.  They are with him 24/7!

Anyone else wonder who Ricki is hanging out with while Emily is on these dates?  Did Grandmama Maynard come along, and they're just not telling us about it, or is Emily leaving her with like an ABC production assistant?  Rachel says it's Grandmama.  I'll give Emily the benefit of the doubt and say that Grandma's on Ricki duty, but I wouldn't be shocked if they stuck some intern from Syracuse on babysitting duty for nothing more than a few credits.  Then again, if you're an intern and you're flown to the Bahamas, wouldn't you watch a kid for a few hours and not complain? 

On the date, Nate turns into a huge mess.  First he butchers the pronunciation of "quinoa" at dinner and then talks about how amazing his family is.  More amazing than his family though, are his friends.  They're apparently so amazing that he starts crying just talking about them.  John wins this date by default just by not crying.  Emily then sends Nate home to his amazing friends who will hug him and tell him that Emily just didn't get to know the "real Nate."  They'll also probably compliment him on his pink v-neck shirt/beige jacket combo as well.  Back to your little cocoon of trust, Nate.

Back on Mommy duty, Emily grills Ricki on her homework.  Emily is excelling, and it's all thanks to the foreign tutor!  Looks like Rachel and I were both wrong....it wasn't grandma, it wasn't a PA, it was the hired nanny/tutor!  Atta way Emily!

Alejandro the mushroom farmer gets first crack at Emily before the rose ceremony and promises to let her into the passion in his life if she keeps him around.  Emily fills him with a bunch of empty platitudes that leave him probably thinking he's getting a rose, but more likely he's heading home.  Jef, meanwhile, continues to piss me off by wearing shorts and knee-high blue socks.  He just can't wear pants and shoes like a normal person...no, he has to prove how unique and quirky he is by rocking knee high blue socks at a cocktail party.  He just wants people to acknowledge his quirkiness.  Go throw your skateboard into the bushes off my tv, Jef.  I'm willing to bet that he at one time had two "f's" in his name, but dropped the second "f" to express his individuality.  Ugh.

Ryan continues his campaign to prove how awesome he is by talking about how God blessed him as "romantic, athletic, and charming."  Arie tries to interrupt Ryan's one-on-one time, but gets there a little too late (or was held up by ABC) as their conversation is pretty much wrapped up by the time he gets in there.  He tries to needle Ryan by sarcastically asking if he minds if he butts in, but Ryan shrugs it off and starts monologuing about how the other guys know he's a threat and feel the need to try and knock him off his pedestal. 

Shawn uses his good looks and questions about her daughter to establish he's not on the chopping block tonight and get a little tounge action.  That's pretty much all I have to say about Shawn tonight.

Doug, again playing the mature, responsible dad card, tells Ryan that he "doesn't need to kiss Emily" to know where he stands with her, but knows other guys are doing that.  It's funny that these two guys are using two completely different strategies to both prove that they're superior to the other guys. 

Chris calls Doug out.  This is like a scene out of a Rocky V where Tommy Gunn feels the need to challenge Rocky because he thinks Rocky is standing in his way of greatness despite the fact that he's done nothing but help poor Tommy.  And much like Tommy Gunn, Chris can't see through his own hubris until he's gotten his ass handed to him by Doug, who barely had to say anything to win that battle.  Chris basically punched himself out on that one.  It was super entertaining to watch though, so thanks for that Chris. 

Time for a deliberation....Chris questions her relationship with Jef, and she keeps saying that she hopes there's romance there.  However, when Chris brings up Arie, she starts blushing and smiling ear to ear.  Can we just end the contest now?  I like that Emily says that she knows that Ryan's playing her.  You'd think that this would mean that Ryan's going home, but I'm guessing that she keeps him around for TV's sake before cutting him loose later on.  My guess for tonight's elimination is Alejandro.  Rachel's is Long Haired Michael.  Her choice is better than mine.  In fairness, I completely forgot about Long Hair, so it's like he's already off the show anyways. 

Apparently two bachelors are going home tonight!  Rachel and I could both be right, but Massive Head Wound Charlie would be another good elimination.  Alejandro gets the rose, so he will get to talk about how passionate he is about mushrooms next week.  Charlie looks like he's having trouble processing this information.  Michael gets teary eyed and says he's never been in love, but that's it.  Charlie is disappointed that he doesn't get to continue on this "beautiful journey."  I have a feeling that the beautiful journey has more to do with the Bahamas and less to do with his relationship with Emily. 

Well that was a pretty entertaining episode....my faith in the Bachelorette has been renewed!  Tune in next week when good mom Emily tells someone to "get the f*ck out!"